What Daddy Does
Richie: “Hey Tommy, what does your daddy do for a living?”
Tommy: “My daddy’s an accountant and he works from home.”
Richie: “That’s cool.”
Tommy: “What does your daddy do?”
Richie: “My daddy’s a Congressman in Washington.”
Richie: “No, just the regular kind.”
Expecting a Diagnosis
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. A senior doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on her clipboard.
“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Bergman is 61 years old, has four married children, and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was expecting?!”
The younger doctor continued writing and, without even looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
A Winner’s Prize
One day, the shul president snuck out of morning services so he could shoot a round of golf with the whole course to himself. An angel, looking down from Heaven, seethed.
“Gd, this man is abusing his position. We must not let him get away with this.”
The president took his first shot. Amazingly, the ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one.
The angel was puzzled. “I thought he was going to be punished?!”
“Think about it,” Gd said to the angel, “who’s he going to tell?”
Jack V. Grazi
Half a Head
A man in the Florida supermarket wanted to buy half a head of lettuce, but the young produce assistant explained that the store sells only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and so the produce assistant went to the back of the supermarket to check with the manager.
“Sorry to bother you sir,” he said to the manager, “but some dim wit wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The Prize Donkey
Harry moved to Arkansas and bought a fine donkey from a farmer for $100, which he hoped to use to earn a living. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when he finally arrived at Harry’s place he had bad news. “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but your donkey died last night.”
“Well, then, just give me back my $100,” Harry replied.
“I can’t do that,” the farmer said, “as I already spent the money.”
“I see,” Harry responded as he thought for a moment. “Then just bring me the dead donkey.”
“What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” the farmer asked.
“I’m going to sell it.”
“You can’t sell a dead donkey!” the farmer mocked.
“Sure I can!” Harry insisted. “I just won’t mention that it’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met Harry and asked, “So, what happened with the dead donkey?”
“Oh, I raffled him off,” Harry proudly reported. “I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898.”
“Didn’t anyone complain?” the farmer asked.
“Just the guy who won,” Harry said, “so I just gave him back his two dollars.”
Jack V. Grazi
A Real Present
The minute I walked into the beauty salon the manicurist noticed the new earrings my husband had given me. “Those must be real diamonds,” she said.
“Yes,” I replied. “How could you tell?”
“Because,’” she explained, “no one buys fake diamonds that small.”
A boat carrying gray paint collided with another boat carrying red paint. Both crews are missing and are believed to be marooned.
The Will to Hear
An elderly gentleman with severe hearing loss went to the doctor who fit him with hearing aids that allowed him to hear at 100 percent for the first time in many years.
When the elderly man returned to the doctor for a checkup one month later, the doctor concluded, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet,” he responded. “I just sit around and listen to the conversations.”
“When do you plan to tell your family?” the doctor inquired.
“Oh they’ll find out soon enough… I’ve changed my will three times!”
My Career Search
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it… so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it… mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory… but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life… but I just didn’t have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it… I couldn’t cut the mustard.
I studied a long time to become a doctor… but I didn’t have any patience.
I finally got a job as a historian… until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks… but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I retired.
Letter to Heaven
A little boy desperately wanted $100 to buy a toy. He prayed for many weeks, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to write Gd a letter expressing his request.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to “Gd, USA,” they figured they should send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, which he knew the boy would consider a large sum. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill, and he immediately sat down and wrote the following thank you note to Gd:
Dear Gd: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those crooks deducted $95 in taxes!