Mozelle Forman

My husband asked me what I had planned for the day.  This was my answer: “I am preparing the documents for my mom’s tax return, then taking her to the grocery store.  After, I will be cooking with my daughter for Pesach and then babysitting for her two-year-old while she takes the other children to the dentist.  Then, I will drive home, meet with two clients, prepare dinner, and write an article for Community Magazine.”  The world around me labels me as part of the “sandwich generation.”  Me, I call myself “exhausted.”

I am not alone.  According to statistics, 54 percent of adults in the United States are considered the “caught in the middle” generation, caring for their children while also caring for their parents – whether financially, physically, or emotionally.  My peers, who are also caring for grandchildren, are considered the “club sandwich” generation as we have multi-levels of responsibility.

Juggling and Emotional Overload

We are truly a blessed community where the term “sandwich generation” is a way of life.  Walk into any house during any of our haggim, or many houses in Deal in the summer, to find three or four generations cohabiting. This is how we all live, with no need for fancy names or titles.  We are mothers and daughters, sisters and friends, always.  We nurture and take care of our family.  And we’re stressed out. This does not negate our gratitude that our loved ones are close by and that we get to share our time with them.  Caring for our family is a fact of our life that we cherish and need support to navigate.  So much so, that I was asked to run a support group for my sandwich cohorts as caring for our elderly parents adds an extra layer of gratefulness and stress. 

When asked about the roles we play, we can tick off the many chores we perform, as I did for my husband.  What we often can’t articulate is the invisible labor that goes into caregiving – the emotional load we carry that often goes unnoticed and is undervalued, even by ourselves. 

Carrying the emotional load of a family refers to the unseen effort of remembering and thinking through solutions before anyone else even realizes there’s a problem. For instance, the simple act of having to remember to pay Mom’s bills and schedule her doctor’s appointment and to buy balloons for your granddaughter’s Humash play, takes emotional energy.  Keeping track of which pantry items are running low, what needs replenishing and mentally planning for the next grocery trip requires us to be fully in the moment and the future simultaneously like when we plan our sedermenu while listening to the megillah.

Even if we’re not directly handling every task, the cognitive load means we’re still the one overseeing, recalling, and anticipating needs. Think of it as maintaining a mental to-do list of ongoing projects and deadlines in your mind – all day, every day.  This type of mental labor, this constant state of “being on top of things,”demands significant mental space because you feel that you’re never truly “off duty.”  Having to care for your parents in addition to your own family adds more to your mental load, which can lead to chronic stress.

Antidotes

The antidote to this emotional overload is to delegate some of the tasks on your mental to-do list.  Even family members who live far away can pitch in financially, call to schedule doctor appointments, and regularly check in on a parent by phone. Keep the lines of communication open with your family with regular family meetings.  Discuss concerns anyone is having about your parents and have everyone commit to tasks that are needed.  Expect that it may not be done exactly as you would have done it and move on. 

Another antidote to emotional overload is expressed in this motto:  Loving others requires knowing how to say “yes.” Loving yourself requires knowing when to say “no.”

We have perfected the first half of this life lesson.  We are conditioned to say yes, to offer a helping hand, and to volunteer for myriad causes.  In order to succeed at “loving ourselves,” we need to develop the skills and the language necessary to sometimes say “no” comfortably and without guilt.  Many of us have a negative visceral reaction when we would like to say no.  So, exploring the myths surrounding the word “no” is beneficial.

ValidReasons to Say, “No”

No, it is not mean to say “no.”It’s a struggle to say no if you feel guilty or obligated. This might happen when a request comes from a loved one you don’t want to disappoint. Even if someone important to you is the one asking a favor, it doesn’t mean your time and energy aren’t valuable. Saying, “I’m afraid I’m not available today” is perfectly acceptable – whether it’s your daughter asking you to babysit or your mom asking you to take her to the salon. 

No, it is not selfish to take some time for oneself and delegate responsibilities to someone else.Taking care of yourself, while taking care of everyone else, can feel overwhelming. The best thing you can do for yourself and those you care for is to take care of your own needs. Because this can feel impossible at times, put on the calendar what you’re doing for yourself, and then plan work and caregiving around that.  That means giving yourself permission to block out time for whatever gives you joy – whether it’s going to the gym, meeting with a friend, or going to a book group. If you don’t make your health and well-being a priority and something happens to you, who will take care of everyone else? 

“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain or justify your decision unless you feel comfortable doing so.  It’s polite to give a brief explanation of why you are saying “no.”  This can help soften your answer and help the person understand why you decline.  You can politely say, “Unfortunately, I have too much to do today.  I can help another time.” This shows both your commitment to your own schedule and your willingness to help.

A Mix of Feelings and Emotions

As we care for our aging loved ones, we experience numerous emotions.  There is often anxiety about the future, how to best care for parents, and the potential financial strain of providing care. And regardless of how much we do, we may feel guilty about not being able to do more for our parents and simultaneously guilty about the impact our busy-ness is having on our husbands and children.  Let the guilt go!  It doesn’t serve anyone.

Frustration and anger can arise from the challenges of caregiving, the feeling of being unable to fulfill parental expectations, or even from the parent’s own reluctance to accept help. So many of my friends have complained that their parent does not take their advice or suggestions. 

Parents Pushing Back

One friend shared, “When I proposed to my mom that she attend a program at DSN, she wasn’t interested – she said there were too many old people there!”  Another friend expressed frustration that her mother would never go to the doctor.  “She has these aches and pains but refuses to be seen and if we finally convince her to go, she doesn’t follow the doctor’s directions or take the medication he prescribed.” 

It’s hard dealing with a parent who suddenly reminds us of a recalcitrant child who won’t abide by the rules.  Here is where finesse is required; Mom or Dad have to be brought to the decision with respect and patience.  Give them time to get used to an idea, especially one that further limits their independence, like when it is time for them to stop driving.  They are silently grieving all the losses they are encountering as they age – the loss of friends or spouses, the diminishment of their sight, hearing, and mobility and their necessary, sometimes uncomfortable, reliance on their children.  They may understandably be irritable, sad, or depressed; they don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

Watching parents decline in health and become dependent can be a source of deep sadness for us as well. We are grieving the loss of our vibrant parents whom we have depended on.  One client shared: “Gone are my larger-than-life figures, the couple who have been married for 61 years and built their own business from the ground up. Now I have two elderly loved ones who need me to take care of them.”

Help Parents to Feel in Control

We see them diminish in health, the ability to care of themselves, and to engage in their previous lifestyle and social interactions.  And yet, they are our parents so we must help them preserve whatever independence they currently enjoy and not make decisions for them without their input.  It’s important that we help our parents to feel they are still in control of their lives.

For more insights and support come to the workshop sponsored by  Shaare Tefilah (The Eatontown Synagogue) in Eatontown, NJ,  on May 8^th at 11am.

Victor Cohen

Our traditions in large part define our community. Many of us are named after our grandparents, giving us a link to past generations. When our community first arrived in the United States, we focused on staying close to each other and to keeping our beloved traditions alive. We treasured our pizmonimand our different customs. Our community was well-known for how connected we were to our past and how we worked together to keep from assimilating.

Over the past century, we have largely avoided being consumed by the culture around us, popular culture has still seeped through, in ways large and small. We follow sports, listen to popular music, and participate in popular American activities. This is not all bad. However, unfortunately, being distracted by the culture outside of our own has meant that over time, our own songs and customs have started to become forgotten. Few people in our community now wake up for Bakashot, like those attend the Ades Synagogue in Jerusalem.

Certainly, our traditions have been completely abandoned. In large part, the younger generation is bringing them back, studying the songs of our ancestors and reviving them. Someone leading the charge is the prominent community hazzan, Ikey Levy. He has been a hazzan for over ten years and has been the hazzan for the Eatontown Synagogue for the last four years. Let’s listen to some of Ikey’s insights into the world of our heritage with traditional music and how it is making a comeback today.

Building a Connection to Our Heritage Through Hazzanut

Ikey has always had a great voice, but he did not always sing. Here’s how he got his start. Ikey’s father liked singing the song Habibi at the Shabbat table with Ikey’s older brother Aaron, who was eleven when Ikey was five. One Friday night, Aaron, who also has a great voice, was not around. So, Ikey’s father called him over to sing, and was astonished by what he could do.

Ikey’s father taught him the basic pizmonim and took him to various sebets on Shabbat so that he could hear how others sang. “He’d take me to two sebets a day sometimes just to hear them,” Ikey reminisced.

Then Ikey’s training really went to another level. “When I studied in Israel,” he said, “I went to study by Moshe Habusha with a group of five other boys. Habusha is one of the top hazzanim in the world.” Ikey studied there for nine months, and Habusha gave Ikey a strong foundation in hazzanut, from which he could expand.

Inhazzanut,there are certain musical scales called ma’amat. They start and end on certain notes, and when training to become a hazzan, you learn how to sing many of them.

One can incorporate his own creativity when it comes to when and how the ma’amat are used within a passage. “Sometimes when you listen to the music or have instructions from another hazzan, you have instructions on how to infuse one maqam with more personality,” Ikey said.

He explained that the key for an aspiring hazzan is to listen to Middle Eastern music, which will help you expand your options. In a way, it is similar to learning to play chess. You can study by learning all of the different openings, or studying different patterns, but there is something special that comes with watching a true master perform. The same goes for hazzanut, and the more a hazzan listens, the more he can become inspired in his own songs to try out different methods. It is a highly creative, fulfilling pursuit with lifelong learning.

Educating the Community

Ikey taught pizmonim in YDE for five years, then taught keriah and pizmonim in Hillel Yeshiva for two years. Currently he tutors privately, and also tries to help encourage knowledge of our community’s traditions. To that end, he began a community minhagim WhatsApp chat, which is not dedicated only to hazzanut. In the chat he informs members about traditions from Aleppo, Damascus, Lebanon, Jerusalem, and Egypt. “Things get mixed up,” Ikey said, adding that “we just want to know where each custom originates from.”

Certain customs we follow today were not always done universally. “In Halab, they did not stand for Alenu Leshabeah.” Everywhere else in the Middle East, they stood.

“Aleppo used to be unique in that way.” Ikey said he knows one elder who, following this custom, still sits during Alenu! “I’m not saying that we all start changing what we do, but to me it is fascinating to see where certain customs originate from. In Syria, some didn’t have the custom to bow at all for Barechu, others did a small bow based on the Ben Ish Hai’s opinion, but in Egypt they stood up and bowed.”

The Weakening of Our Customs

There was a certain beauty to the old customs, accompanied by a level of devotion and a sense of community that is not easy to capture in words. Ikey described how he used to go to Bakashot when he lived in Brooklyn. “In my time in Brooklyn, I’d wake up Shabbat mornings 6am for Bakashot by Rabbi Mansour’s old Knis. Between 6:30 and 7:45, every Shabbat morning, Menachem Mustaki, Mordechai Salem, and Haim Eliyahu, were all there.” When Moshe Habusha, Ikey’s teacher from Israel, came in, the whole room filled up.

“It was very electric in the building,” Ikey reminisced. “It warms my heart when we do those things, because people forget what our community did in the old days in the Lower East Side and in Bensonhurst where they’d sing Bakashot in people’s houses.

“Unfortunately the greater part of Bakashot, most of our community has forgotten,” Ikey said. But pointed out how parts of Bakashot live on in other forms, such as songs, for example: Ki Eshmera Shabbat and Yom Zeh Shiru Lae-l were originally from Bakashot. Today, the Bakashot still are heard early Shabbat mornings at Rabbi Mansour’s new Knis.

Ikey recalled howsebets used to run, “lead by the hazzan, the crowd would sing pizmonim well into the afternoon with the Hacham speaking words of Torah either before or in between. Today, however, there’s more emphasis on speeches from friends and family members along with other genres of songs being sung with much less of our pizmonim in focus. Again, I’m just pointing out the change.”

The New Revival of Our Customs

In an interesting twist, though, this decline is beginning to reverse itself where it was least expected. It is the younger generation that has begun to revive the old music. While some of the melodies are a little archaic, there are many that are still being sung today. “There are nineteen-year-olds singing in Arabic today,” Ikey said. While much of the decline was due to the overwhelming popular culture, we are starting to see a certain yearning for what came before. “If you look at Shaare Zion today,” Ikey said,“the younger crowd is reviving the old ways within the community. That is happening.Our job is to keep it going for as long as possible.”

Ikey pointed to a positive development. “The hazzan David Shiro is putting out albums of new songs, taking our old songs and putting new packaging to them. If people hear it, they might be inspired to hear more.”

Hopefully, the revival of our community’s old ways continues to grow from here. We have the unique ability to look both back to our history and forward to our future at the same time. Informed and enriched by the traditions, songs, and ways of our past, we can strive towards the future, holding close to what makes us special.

Hazzan Ikey Levy performs professionally at weddings and special occasions.  Please contact him at 347-715-0350. He can also be found on Instagram @hazzan_ikey and on YouTube at youtube.com/@IkeyLevy.

This Month’s Topic: A Planting Guide for Your Gardens

Michele Shrem 

Spring is here, and the promise of vibrant color fills the air. For gardeners in New York and New Jersey, spring is a time of renewed energy, a chance to transform bare earth into a tapestry of blossoms. But with the region’s unique climate, knowing what to plant and when is key to a successful spring garden. This article will give you a view of what some of our very own community members can show you. Please review these essential steps as a guide with everything from soil preparation to flower selection, ensuring your garden comes to life.

Understanding the Climate: New York and New Jersey fall within USDA hardiness zones six and seven, meaning we experience distinct seasons. Spring arrives gradually, with fluctuating temperatures and the potential for late frosts. This variability requires careful planning.  

Timing Is Everything: Early spring (March-April) is ideal for planting cool-season flowers that tolerate light frosts. Late spring (May-June) welcomes warm-season blooms that thrive in rising temperatures.

Soil Considerations: Our region’s soils can vary, from sandy to clay-rich. A soil test is recommended to determine pH and nutrient levels. Adding compost or well-rotted manure to the soil improves drainage and fertility.

Preparing Your Garden Beds:A thriving garden begins with healthy soil.

Clearing and Cultivating: Remove weeds, debris, and any remaining winter mulch. Loosen the soil with a garden fork or tiller to a depth of 12 inches. Break up clumps of soil and remove rocks.

Soil Amendments:These are additions that improve the quality of your soil. Incorporate compost or aged manure to enrich the soil. If your soil test indicates a pH imbalance, amend accordingly (lime for acidic soil, sulfur for alkaline). Add slow-release fertilizer to provide essential nutrients.

Flower Selections

PANSIES: from Betty S.

I absolutely love pansies! They’re like little bursts of pure joy in the garden, with their incredible range of colors.It’s like having a whole rainbow at your fingertips. I’ve found they thrive best when they get a good mix of sun and shade, so keep that in mind when you’re planting. And don’t forget to keep their soil nice and moist. What I love most is how versatile they are. I use them to create vibrant borders along my flowerbeds and I also plant them in containers to brighten up my patio and windowsills. They add such a cheerful touch wherever you put them!

PRIMROSES: from: Shirley E.

There’s something so charming about primroses. They’re so delicate and pretty, and that sweet fragrance! It’s like a little breath of spring every time I walk by them. I’ve learned they really prefer a bit of shade, and well-drained soil is a must. I’ve found they’re perfect for those tricky spots in my garden that don’t get a ton of direct sunlight – those shady corners where other flowers just don’t seem to thrive. Primroses brighten those shady corners right up!

DAFFODILS: from Judy M.

These are a classic for a reason. When the bright yellows or vivid whites pop up in spring, it’s like the garden is saying, “Spring is here!” I always make sure to plant the bulbs in the fall, but, they’re very forgiving. They do well in full sun, at least six hours of direct sunlight a day. But, if necessary, they can tolerate partial shade.  They need well-drained soil, not soggy. They are very hearty, which is perfect for me because I don’t always have time for fussing over plants. They practically take care of themselves, and then when spring arrives, they pop up and bring a cheerful burst of color. They’re so easy and reliable.

TULIPS: from Frieda C.

My garden must have tulips, and I look forward to them all year! To me, they define elegance and are so classic. I always make sure to get my bulbs planted in the fall, and then the anticipation builds all winter, waiting for those gorgeous blooms. You can have them in partial shade, but they will do much better in full sunlight, and well-drained soil. And the variety is just incredible! You can find them in practically any color you can imagine, and they come in a wonderful variety of different shapes and sizes. It’s like having a whole floral art gallery in your backyard. I love mixing and matching them to create stunning displays. They bring such a sophisticated touch.

HYDRANGEAS: from Lori S.

For the last few years, I’ve really gotten into hydrangeas, and they are a great addition to a garden. They really give you that lush, full look, and the color is just incredible! You can get those beautiful blues, pinks, even purples, depending on your soil. I’d recommend finding a spot with morning sun and some afternoon shade – they seem to really appreciate that. And don’t forget to keep them well-watered, especially in the summer. Once you see them bloom, you’ll be hooked! They add such a classic, elegant touch to any yard.

ROSES: from Susie E.

Growing roses can be a challenge, but the key is sun and water. They love basking in the sun for at least six hours a day, otherwise they don’t seem to bloom as well. Keep them consistently watered, especially when it’s really hot and dry. You don’t want them to be soaking wet, but the soil should stay nice and moist. Watering them at the base, not overhead, can help prevent pesky diseases. When you get it right, there’s nothing quite like a blooming rose! They add a classic, elegant touch to any garden.

LILIES: from Bella T.

Not only are lilies elegant, but they will fill your home with the scent of spring. Incredible! They especially thrive well if given the proper amount of  water and sunlight. They do best with a good amount of sun – ideally at least six hours. It helps them bloom so beautifully. Keep their soil consistently moist, but not soggy. Putting mulch around them helps keep the soil moist and cool, and it helps keep the weeds down! It’s just breathtaking once they start blooming. The colors, the scent…they just add such a sophisticated touch to any garden!

CROCUSES: from Sara B.

I love to plant crocuses because they are one of the first flowers to bloom in spring. They peek through the cold ground with little bursts of color. After the long winter I keep checking my lawn waiting for them to pop up. They grow low to the ground, but they still make a statement because they are so colorful. I always plant my bulbs in the fall, and they’re pretty easygoing. They need a good amount of sun to really thrive, but they’re not overly fussy. They like moisture, especially when they’re actively growing, but they definitely need well-drained soil, so they don’t get waterlogged. They are a great addition for any garden.

PETUNIAS: from Linda G.

These flowers are a burst of color, and you can find them in practically any shade you can imagine. They’re easy to care for, too – just make sure they get plenty of sunshine and the soil drains well. They look stunning in hanging baskets or containers, and they can add a beautiful touch to your balcony or patio.

MARIGOLDS: from Vicky L.

These flowers are a game-changer! The sunny colors brighten up the whole garden! As a bonus they naturally keep pests away. You’ll want to plant them where they get a lot of sun, and make sure the soil drains nicely. They are incredibly hardy, which means even if you’re not a seasoned gardener, they’re super easy to grow and they will thrive.

SNAPDRAGONS: from Esther A.

This flower is so elegant, standing tall with beautiful blooms in all sorts of colors. If you want to add a little height to your garden, they are perfect! They’re not too fussy, either. They’ll do great in full sunlight or a bit of shade. Just make sure the soil drains well. And when you cut a few stems and bring them inside, they look absolutely stunning in a vase! You’ll be so glad you planted them.

BEGONIAS: from Carol M.

These flowers are very diverse, and come in many shapes and colors. They thrive in shaded areas and are great for containers. They come in many different forms, from those with showy flowers to those grown for their beautiful leaves. They can be used in any garden or even indoors, and have long-lasting blooms. They thrive in shaded or partially shaded areas, making them perfect for those spots where other flowers struggle, and they prefer well-drained soil and consistent moisture. Some have very large and vibrant flowers. They are great for containers and hanging baskets, and add color to patios and indoor spaces. They can also be used in flower beds and borders to create various landscaping designs.

Planting Techniques

Seed Starting: For some flowers, starting seeds indoors six to eight weeks before the last frost allows for earlier blooms.Use seed-starting mix and provide adequate light and moisture.

Transplanting: When transplanting seedlings or purchased plants, dig a hole slightly larger than the root ball, gently loosen the roots, and place the plant in the hole, ensuring the crown is at soil level. Fill the hole with soil and firm it gently. Water thoroughly.

Bulb Planting: Bulbs such as tulips and daffodils are planted in the fall. Plant them at the correct depth, as directed on the bulb packaging. Provide well-draining soil.

Maintenance and Care

Watering: Water deeply and regularly, especially during dry periods. Avoid overwatering, which can lead to root rot.

Fertilizing: Feed flowering plants with a balanced fertilizer every four to six weeks to encourage blooming.

Deadheading: Remove wilted blooms to promote continuous flowering.

Mulching: Apply a layer of mulch around plants to retain moisture, suppress weeds, and regulate soil temperature.

Creating a Colorful Display

Color Harmony: Consider color combinations that complement each other. Use a color wheel to guide your selections.

Height and Texture: Vary plant heights to create visual interest. Combine plants with different textures for added dimension.

Succession Planting: Plant flowers with staggered bloom times to ensure continuous color throughout the spring.

Container Gardening: Container gardening is a great way to add color to patios, balconies, and small spaces. Use high quality potting soil. Ensure adequate drainage. By following these guidelines, you can create a stunning spring garden that brings joy and beauty to your New York or New Jersey home. Remember to embrace the changing seasons, adapt to the region’s unique climate, and enjoy the rewarding experience of watching your garden come to life.

Gardens to Explore

New York and New Jersey offer a wealth of beautiful gardens that showcase the region’s diverse flora and horticultural artistry. Here are a few standout locations:

New Jersey Botanical Garden (Ringwood): This expansive garden within Ringwood State Park features a variety of themed gardens, including a lilac garden, perennial garden, and Italianate gardens. It’s a fantastic place for a leisurely stroll and to appreciate the changing seasons.

Greenwood Gardens (Short Hills): This historic 28-acre garden offers a serene escape with terraced gardens, woodlands, and charming architectural features. It’s known for its tranquil atmosphere and beautiful landscaping.

Van Vleck House & Gardens (Montclair): These gardens offer a delightful mix of formal and informal plantings, with a focus on native plants and trees. It’s a peaceful oasis in the heart of Montclair.

New York Botanical Garden (Bronx) AND Brooklyn Botanical Garden (Brooklyn): These world-renowned botanical gardens feature diverse plant collections, beautiful landscapes, and stunning conservatories. They are a must-visit for any garden enthusiast.

Wave Hill (Bronx): Overlooking the Hudson River, Wave Hill offers breathtaking views and beautifully manicured gardens. It’s known for its artful plantings and serene atmosphere.

Longwood Gardens (Pennsylvania): While not in NY or NJ, it is close enough to be a day trip for many residents of the area. This garden is truly spectacular, and is worth the trip.

Are Teenage Brains Really Different from Adult Brains?

Although your brain is full size by the time you are a teenager, your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until your mid-twenties. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for higher brain functions, such as reasoning and good judgment.

Additionally, there is a specific region of the brain, called the amygdala,which is responsible for the person’s immediate reactions, including fear and aggressive behavior, and this region develops early. This explains some of the risky behavior of older teens, as their actions and decisions are guided more by the emotional and reactive amygdala and less by the thoughtful, logical prefrontal cortex.

Other changes in the brain during the teenage years include a big increase in the connections between the brain cells and in the effectiveness of the brain pathways. Also, the teen years is when nerve cells in the brain are developingmyelin, an insulating layer that helps the cells communicate better. All these changes are essential for the development of coordinated thought, action, and behavior.

These brain differences don’t mean that teenagers can’t make good decisions or tell the difference between right and wrong. It also doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions. However, an awareness of these differences can help parents and teachers understand, anticipate, and manage the behavior of teens.

Adult Brain versus Teenage Brain

On the outside, the brain looks similar throughout one’s life. But some parts of the brain develop faster than others, especially in the early years. The parts that seek new thrills and exciting events develop faster than those parts that think through situations and avoid danger. Older teenagers are almost twice as likely to take risks than anyone else. As we grow older, and different parts of our brains develop, we tend to make safer choices rather than take risks.

Fact or Fiction??

Your brain gets smaller as you get older. This is true! As a person ages, hisbrain loses weight and shrinks a bit; however, only a few ounces are lost by age eighty, and most of that is water.

Don’t Fool Yourself!

Suppression is a psychological mechanism that refers to the deliberate effort to consciously avoid or inhibit thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. It is a form of self-control that allows individuals to regulate their thoughts and emotions, so they can align with their goals, values, and social norms. From a psychological perspective, suppression is often seen as a coping strategy that can help individuals maintain mental balance, especially in the face of stressful or challenging circumstances.

The Impact of Psychological Suppression

Suppression has been the subject of much research and has been found to be an effective, but also a limited, form of self-control. While suppression makes it easier to navigate challenging situations, it can also have negative consequences, as it requires a significant amount of mental effort and can result in feelings of psychological distress, especially when used over an extended period. Research has shown that repeated suppression can result in emotional exhaustion, and that the energy required for suppression is taken from other cognitive resources, resulting in decreased performance on tasks that require attention and memory.

One study that investigated the impact of suppression on emotions, “The Cognitive Control of Emotion” by James J. Gross, published in the Annual Review of Psychology in 1998, analyzed the effects of emotion regulation strategies, including suppression, on emotional experience and physiological responses. The research found that suppressing emotions did not lead to the elimination of the emotional experience, but instead led to an increase in physiological arousal, which subsequently fostered an increase in psychological distress. Furthermore, suppression was associated with decreased cognitive control and increased negative feelings.

Developing Better Strategies

This highlights the importance of understanding the mechanisms behind emotion regulation, and the need to develop more adaptive strategies for managing emotions. This study and others like it have contributed to our understanding of the impact of suppression on emotions and have helped to inform the development of more effective emotion regulation techniques.

Suppression is also to be avoided when it comes to working on our middot and avodat Hashem. We must acknowledge the negative feelings we have and not suppress them. But acknowledging these negative feelings must be sincere.

 Lesson from Rav Wolbe

There’s a difference between what Rav Wolbe calls a “frum Kriat Shema,” which means just closing our eyes and thinking of all of the high and holy things, and saying Kriat Shema in a real and sincere way. Rav Wolbe discusses how easy it is to fool ourselves, to close our eyes and pray aloud with a lot of kavanah. To imagine walking in joy to die al kiddush Hashem, but having no idea what’s going on inside of ourselves.

Our job is to be sincere and serious and realize what’s going on inside of ourselves. Kabbalat ol Malchut Shamayim means that our ears won’t listen to devarim assurim, our mouths won’t speak devarim assurim or eat prohibited foods or do so l’shem taavah, and so on and so forth. In Rav Wolbe’s words, “If you really know yourself, you’re going to realize all these forces are not agreeing to kabbalat ol Malchut Shamayim.”

TAKEAWAY:

Look at yourself honestly and ask yourself: What am I REALLY willing to give up for the sake of Hashem?

Machla Abramovitz

Sometimes, fairy tales do come true.  Such was the case with the Shore Area Mikveh, which was in drastic need of repair and was revived and transformed into a magnificent palace imbued with serenity and kedusha, as befitting the unique mitzvah it embodies. 

The women taking advantage of this newly renovated space, in turn, step into a wonderland of luxury and comfort and, during their short stay, feel themselves equally transformed into royalty.

From Dream to Reality

It was a project that, once begun, incurred the blessings of shamayim, hastening its speedy completion under extremely challenging conditions and with the skillful hands of a highly talented and dedicated team of professionals:  a creative community fundraiser, a uniquely-gifted designer, highly experienced builders who all accomplished the impossible, all united in their goal of elevating this mitzvah onto a higher plane and completing the project on schedule.

It was also a credit to its Rabbinic council – Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, Rabbi Shlomo Diamond, Rabbi Moshe Malka, Rabbi Saul J. Kassin, and Rabbi Edmond Nahum, who provided spiritual guidance and, when given the option between a much nicer but more costly décor, looked the other way and approved the more expensive choice in keeping with the commandment of beautifying a mitzvah.

The Heart of the Community

However, it was largely due to the efforts of Eddie Mizrahi, who stepped up in every possible way to make this project financially viable.  As president, Eddie took on the responsibility of fundraising and established a new mikveh committee with Maurice Zekaria as vice president and Edgar Cohen as treasurer.

“We have the most generous and special community on the face of the earth,” says Maurice Zekaria.  “Without their financial support, we could not have gotten the project off the ground, whether it was the donor money or those that helped with short-term loans.   What other community could do that?”

Today, when one enters the newly renovated stucco edifice, one encounters a waiting room wallpapered with large haiku flowers and branches, blush colored, as well as a cascade of plaster flowers.  Arches connect additional spaces that bear additional memorials, including a breathtaking matriarch wall, the inspiration of Eddie Mizrahi, and dedicated by Jack A. Kassin.

The Matriarch Wall was built in memory of Mrs. Mazal Kassin, the wife of Chief Rabbi Jacob Kassin, zt”l, who built the community by setting its religious standards.  Fifteen preparation rooms, including a magnificent bridal suite and four pools, branch out from the reception and waiting areas.  All rooms are painted a soft cream and creamy white; they flow harmoniously into one another, their newness glistening, producing an aura of luxury and serenity.  During the summer, when the town of Deal is overflowing with summer residents, this community mikveh accommodates over eighty women nightly, a number that has been steadily growing.

Mikveh manager Elyse Kairey still cannot believe her eyes.  Having served the mikveh for 25 years, she never thought she would see the day when the community mikveh she loved and dedicated her life to so generously would physically reflect the splendor of the mitzvah it embodies.

Under the spiritual guidance and care of Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, this mikveh accommodates a broad spectrum of women from all walks of life.  Elyse and her team of beautiful, hard-working, committed women work diligently to make every attendee feel as comfortable as possible.  As the community’s mother mikveh, it accommodates special times, many out-of-towners and kallah teachers from different states who, she says, “are looking for a serene, easy-going place for their brides, a place that will provide them with the TLC they need and a time to pray.”

The Need for Renewal

Only three years ago, the mikveh’s future didn’t seem as promising.   Humidity and inadequate air circulation had left their marks since its previous renovation 16 years ago:  tiles fell off the walls, telephones stopped working, and water compressors that control the water filtration system broke down often, at considerable expense to the mikveh.   It was hard to keep up with the mikveh’s rapid deterioration.

Elyse recalls the day when yet another compressor broke, and Rabbi Choueka gave the go-ahead to move forward with a significant renovation. 

Divine Inspiration

It was in 2022, during a conversation with Debra Shiloach, that Elyse mentioned the need for a renovation and Debra, as a talented interior designer, volunteered to undertake the project.  Debra was no novice when it came to designing mikvaot.  She has worked on a small mikveh in Ocean City, Maryland, dedicated in memory of her mother-in-law, Molly Shiloach.  She has also worked under the guidance of interior designer, Abie Jerome, who designed the renowned Carroll Street Mikvah in Crown Heights, which was a major inspiration for her.  “That mikveh took what a mikveh could be to another level; it enabled women to have a different kind of experience,” Debra recalls.

Inspired and anxious to start, she began researching her sources.  She hit upon a haiku-patterned wallpaper that deeply moved her and proved to be the inspiration for the entire décor.

Rising to the Challenge

Unfortunately, it would not be until two years later, when Maurice Zekaria offered to take over the reins of the project, that matters came to a head.  Maurice, who has left his mark on many significant buildings and structures in Deal was also eager to get started. For him, it was yet another opportunity to give back to the community. 

This project, though, proved incredibly challenging in many ways.  “It was clear that we would have to gut the entire interior, which meant that the mikveh would be closed to the public for nearly six months – from January 2024 till the end of June 2024 – when the mikveh was desperately needed to accommodate the influx of summer residents in Deal.  “We had no choice,” explained Maurice Zekaria.

The possibility of keeping some parts open while closing off others was impossible – doing so, they said, would not resolve the air circulation problems that were primarily responsible for the rapid corrosion of the mikveh. 

Another challenge was that, unlike new construction, there were no building plans to follow.  “We had no time to make plans.  The builders, therefore, determined the plans on the job while the subcontractors were working.  This job was my toughest project yet.  Fortunately, we had an amazing team all around.”

“The biggest challenge, though, was that we had to do this quickly, yet we didn’t have a dollar in the bank to meet the budget.  We had to fundraise and borrow money from a handful of us.  We also had to do whatever we could to pay the contractors and subcontractors swiftly before even having a fundraising event.  So, we often met on-site with donors.  No doubt, Hashem was watching over us,” he says.

Despite these formidable challenges, they rolled up their sleeves and got started. 

Maurice brought in contractor, Richie Benedict, whose company Ray Builders, located in Lakewood, was responsible for building many prestigious buildings in the area. “Timing restraints didn’t allow us to do this job normally, so we often had dozens of contractors working in very tight corners simultaneously,” said Maurice.

“All of the tradesmen were religious Jewish businessmen,” Debra recalls, who worked closely with Maurice and Ray Builders.  “Every person was yirat shamayim.  They forged onward, united in their goal of opening this building for the women coming for the summer.  It was beautiful to see everyone working so cohesively.”

Community Support

Eddie Mizrahi, renowned for his community work and creativity, ran full steam ahead to raise the funds. He started off working with graphic designer Stacey Gindi to produce a professional, gorgeous brochure citing the mikveh’s history and including rabbinical endorsements.

Park Avenue Synagogue’s Rabbi Shmuel Choueka reminded the community, “how important a mikveh is to a community, surpassing many, if not most, other institutions. I urge all those who can participate in this magnificent mitzvah opportunity to do so, and may you all be blessed with success from your own families.” 

Rabbi Joey Haber emphasized, “There are a few things that every Jewish community needs to survive.  With them, you have a community; without them, you have no continuity.  One of those things is a mikveh.  The mikveh, like a shul, and a yeshivah, allows our traditions to endure. We live in a time where our homes are prettier, our cars are nicer, and our vacations are more beautiful.  How can our mikvaot not meet that same standard?”

Rabbi Shlomo Diamond also encouraged donors to give generously.  “All who help in this holy project are doing a tremendous mitzvah and will not only help support the renovation of the mikveh but bring untold beracha to themselves and their family and realize the blessings of the Torah,” he explained.

Eddie Mizrahi undertook organizing a gorgeous gala event to benefit the mikveh. He dedicated endless hours and worked diligently to ensure the success of the event. Working closely with party planner Norma Cohen, Stacey Gindi, Debra Shiloach, Ellen Sutton, and other volunteers, Eddie held a memorable event at Ely and Rena Cohen’s home last Memorial Day weekend.  Community rabbis spoke about the significance of completing this project.  They also honored the mikveh’s founders Ike Hidary, Sonny Laniado, and Manny Haber, while Rabbi Diamond presented them each with an award.

Eddie, along with Joe Mansour, produced a beautiful, inspiring video for the event. 

“With Hashem’s help, we raised the necessary funds,” Eddie says.

Meanwhile, Elyse and her group of mikveh ladies held down the fort.  They accommodated their regular women and others by teaming up with a small local mikveh.  “We spread the word that we would be closed for a few months; we took phone calls and sent the women to small local mikvaot.  We juggled.  We coordinated.  We didn’t put down the phone for six months.”

The Miracle of Completion

Elyse believes that the reopening of the mikveh at the end of June was nothing short of a miracle.  “The dedication of Eddie Mizrahi, Maurice Zekaria, Debra Shiloach, Richie, Baruch, and Eli Benedict, went way beyond,” she says.

It’s an endeavor, she believes, that is greatly appreciated by the community at large, especially the women using the mikveh, who express their appreciation on comment cards, thanking them with words written from the heart.

Looking Forward

Eddie Mizrahi, though, is not yet finished!  He is determined to raise another million, half of which will go towards finishing off the building and the other half towards the budget.  But it’s not the money that motivates him.  He’s put his heart and soul into this holy endeavor. His next project is to produce an all-women’s video (women speaking to women) to promote women going to the mikveh.

“This mikveh is like a spa.  It’s beautiful.  Since its opening, women who had never connected to their religion started coming.  I believe we created a nice buzz.  We made going to the mikveh cool,” he says.

The next event will be a Breakfast & Celebration in honor of community matriarch, Cookie Chera. It will be held in May at the beautiful home of Lisa and Lee Cohen, who, along with the Setton family, have generously sponsored the name of the campus. There are many sponsorships opportunities available ranging from the Bridal Mikveh Pool to the dressing rooms and mezuzot. For more information, please contact Eddie Mizrahi at (347) 260-0745.  “We built nothing short of a palace and wish to publicize this accomplishment to all women.”