The human tongue prefers salty, sweet, and fatty flavors to the more subtle tastes of whole grains, vegetables, and other healthy foods. Fatty, deep-fried foods, such as hot dogs and French fries, are simply much tastier than bland foods, so we develop a liking for them easily. Also, the body craves salt, because it needs it to survive (salt helps tissues stay hydrated, and serves other vital functions). And sweets, fatty meats, and other high-calorie foods pack a lot of energy, so our bodies crave them, too.  

Another reason why we like fatty foods is because they cause the brain to release oxytocin, a powerful hormone that has a calming and relaxing influence, into the bloodstream. That’s actually why they are called “comfort foods.”

Food manufacturers that make breakfast cereals, potato chips, candy bars, and other junk food are well aware of our cravings, and they tailor the tastes of their foods to trigger our addiction to sweets, salts, and fats. They also present and display their products in brightly colored packaging, which attracts buyers’ attention – and especially that of children.

Buyer, Beware!

Many food manufacturers include color additives in their foods, as bright, vibrant colors look more appealing to consumers. Additionally, additives make foods taste better and last longer on the shelves.

However, research has shown that many of these additives are unhealthy. Although some additives have been shown to be safe, many have not been tested. An increasing number of studies suggests that some food additives can interfere with a child’s hormones, growth, and development, and are responsible in part for a rise in child obesity and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

Feed Me More!

Fats from junk food trigger the brain to want more food. This effect can last for several days!

Designer Packaging

Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zt”l, was famous for constantly finding examples of the kindness of Hashem. One example he often gave was how Hashem created fruits in such attractive colors.

A key to survival in the olden times was the ability to recognize foods that contained usable energy or nutrition. Many such foods appear in bright colors, such as apples, oranges, bananas, carrots, grapes, and berries. Back then, color was a reliable indicator of a healthy food, and indeed, it still is today. That is why, when apples, bananas, or berries spoil, they lose their bright colors.

Food manufacturers picked up on this fact and, as mentioned before, they use brightly colored packaging as a marketing tool to attract customers. Incredibly, they are exploiting the well-based notion that colorful foods are healthy foods!

Fact or Fiction??

Sugar makes kids hyper.

Believe it or not, this is false! In every study that’s been done, no link has been found between sugar consumption and behavior. So where does this myth come from? Sugar intake increases at birthday parties and other happy occasions, but it is the excitement associated with the event that causes the wild behavior, not the sugar. 

How Does My Tongue Taste Food?

The tongue is a muscular organ that helps you speak, chew, swallow, and taste. It is also the main sensory organ of the sense of taste.

The upper surface of the tongue is coated with hundreds of tiny lumps and bumps, called papillae (puh-PILL-ee). There are up to 10,000 taste buds on top of these papillae. Although you can look in the mirror and see the papillae on your tongue, taste buds can only be seen under a microscope. More than four-fifths of the taste buds lie on the tongue’s upper surface, sides, and tips. The rest are scattered on the inner lips, inside the cheeks, on the roof of the mouth, and in the throat.

Taste buds are made up of taste receptor cells, which contain tiny hairs called microvilli. When something touches the hairs, the taste receptor cells are able to detect the chemicals in the food that give it a certain taste. They then send a message to the brain that tells it whether the taste is sweet, salty, bitter, sour, or a savory taste called umami (examples of umami foods are broths and meat). Everything you eat is a mixture of these five tastes.

You use your sense of smell to taste food, too. Your brain receives messages about the food from your tongue and your nose — and usually your eyes, as well!

Senior Citizen Discount?

The number of taste buds decreases as one ages. Also, each remaining taste bud begins to shrink, and sensitivity to the five tastes often declines after age sixty. In addition, aging causes the mouth to produce less saliva, which causes a condition known as dry mouth. This also can affect one’s sense of taste.

Just Joking

Q: What do tongues call their friends with whom they go out to eat?

A: Taste Buds!

Tongue Twister

The tongue is the most flexible muscular organ in the body! It also contains eight muscles. Four of them aren’t attached to bones. These muscles let you change the shape of your tongue. The other four muscles are attached to bones; they allow you to change your tongue’s position.

Ellen Geller Kamaras            

“My proudest accomplishments? Raising children with good values according to who they each are individually.   Creating a home where ideas become real and everyone’s voice matters.   Professionally, crafting environments where kids can build and think creatively. Teaching STEM, robotics, engineering, and 3D printing while giving students a space to invent, problem-solve, and see themselves as capable creators.” –  Betti Missry                                                          

Please meet Betti Missry, a respected community member and teacher. She teaches robotics at Hillel Yeshiva from fourth grade through high school, and also teaches at Bet Yaakov of the Jersey Shore. There she mentors their science teachers and teaching lab staff and she teaches engineering and robotics to elementary and middle school students. Betti tutors all high school science subjects and gives private lessons in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) and 3D printing. Betti operates a Summer STEM Academy program for kids after camp and is a private nutrition consultant. Additionally, she has taught crocheting to a great many young students. 

Betti exudes positive and vibrant energy.  Her warmth, vitality, drive, resourcefulness, and kindness are hallmarks of her character.               

Let’s follow Betti’s journey from childhood to the woman she is today and discover the experiences that shaped her.                            

Roots                                                

Betti, born to Laurie and Leon Beda, is their second child. She has two brothers and a sister. Her parents are both Sephardic and are American born.       

Betti attended Yeshivah of Flatbush from kindergarten through 12th grade. She was an outgoing child and had a fun group of friends.  “I always loved people and socializing.”  In high school Betti chatted during classes and received detention for being late and for missing classes. To pay for her detention fines at $20 each, she resourcefully found a job on Sundays.         

Betti enjoyed  extracurricular activities. She sang in the school choir and participated in plays.                                     

After high school, Betti enrolled in Brooklyn College.  Her parents had said no to the gap year in Israel.  But Betti was intent on pursuing her dream of learning in Israel and tackled every obstacle.  She contacted her high school Israel advisor and secured the one spot available at Machon Gold Seminary for January.  How would she pay?  Betti was told the tuition would be billed later. Next, she needed airfare.  Her solution was to register for Birthright.  Finally, she found a cell phone with deferred billing.       

Betti packed her bags. She had to confess to her parents that she was staying in Israel until June, beyond the Birthright trip. After three hours of arguing, her father agreed to let her go. He said to Betti’s mother, “She’s so determined and worked hard to make it happen. She deserves to go.” Betti learned that if you work hard, you can achieve anything.   This growth mindset continues to inspire Betti throughout her life and career.                                 

Returning from six months in Israel, Betti buckled down in college and began to thrive academically.  “I couldn’t get enough of the lectures and wrote down every single word that the professors said. My favorite class was Medical Nutrition Therapy.”        

Betti received a B.S. in Health and Nutrition from Brooklyn College and interned at various New York Presbyterian hospitals for one year. Graduating at the top of her class, Betti was offered a full-time management position. She declined due to the 12-hour shifts, Sunday stints, and the long commute. Betti holds Registered Dietitian (RD) and Certified Dietician Nutritionist (CDN) credentials. 

A Pivot to Teaching                                    

Betti’s teaching career began when she was a camp counselor. When she crocheted during downtime, her campers would surround her, wanting to learn. Betti started with a class of six students and within a year she was teaching 100 kids weekly. She received phone calls from parents whose daughters were bullied or excluded in school. Betti secretly and creatively helped these girls create friendships and boosted their self-confidence.                      .    

Betti prepared handouts on healthy eating for her students and distributed different fruits and vegetables, exposing the students to healthy foods.                   

Her official teaching career was launched when her college professor, Penina Karp, asked her to take over an eleventh-grade nutrition class at Shulamith High School.  Her initial response was, “I don’t know how to teach!” but Mrs. Karp convinced her she could.

Betti’s teaching philosophy centers on making learning fun and engaging while building student confidence.

After four years at Shulamith, Betti moved to Magen David Yeshiva High School.  She taught Nutritional Science, Biology, Health Science, and STEM.   Her friend and assistant principal, Audrey Abade, talked Betti into teaching STEM, affirming that she had the personality and science background for it. 

Betti didn’t know what STEM stood for!  She brought the textbook and supplies home and practiced for hours to prepare for a lesson, becoming an expert. “If a 14-year-old kid could learn this in high school, I can.”  Betti learned about lights, LEDs, circuits, motors, sensors, and various electronic components through self-study and hands-on experimentation.

 “Working at MDY changed my life. We were one big happy family. Their professional development really shaped me and left me wanting more.”

CIJE, the Center for Initiatives in Jewish Education, plays an integral role in Betti’s professional goals.  Its mission is to unlock the potential within every U.S. Jewish student.  It brings hands-on STEM learning to more than 200 Jewish day schools and yeshivot.    

Betti also worked at YDE Girls High School and taught human anatomy, nutrition, elective courses, and applied engineering and principles.

 A Match Is Made                                                   

Three different people tried to arrange a match between Betti and Alex E. Missry.  Such hashgahat pratit!  Alex’s grandfather, Eli Dweck, had been a matchmaker and one of the shadchanits who proposed the match had been set up with her husband by Eli. She wanted to repay the mitzvah.

When Alex and Betti finally met they immediately clicked.  “We are very much alike and have that ‘doers’ personality.,” Betti stated. The couple has children aged three to thirteen. They encourage non-tech activities and cultivate independence in their children from a young age     .

Betti proudly shared that Alex is a giver. He works in the wholesale sector and is the President of Ilan High School. Alex took over for his father, Eddie Missry, a”h, in fundraising for both Ilan High School and for a widows and orphans hesed fund.  Alex also started a youth program in the Lawrence Avenue Shul.

The family moved to Deal from Brooklyn during the pandemic, looking for more space and a backyard.  They were still in lockdown when Alex returned to his office.  Betti was zooming with her children for their classes and for her MDY and YDE students.     

“I was on Zoom, cooking all the time, nursing a newborn, and we were grieving my father-in-law’s passing after Pesach. To keep my kids stimulated, I arranged fun and educational activities. They included an art room with supplies, a garden and seeds for planting, and art and gymnastics online classes.  The kids played sports outside, too.”

Betti’s Essence and Influencers

Betti describes herself as fun, high energy, loyal, creative, growth-oriented, and resilient. She also generates warmth, caring, and vivacity.  Her commitment to her family and her students is unsurpassed.                                                              

Grandma Norma and Grandma Betty were strong educational role models. Norma Shrem returned to college in her late 50s and earned a master’s degree in social work. Grandma Betty (for whom Betti was named), was born in England and deeply valued education. She had a lifelong love of learning, She remained curious and eager to expand her knowledge even in her later years.  

Betti gets her high energy and fun-loving nature from her mother.  Betti has wonderful memories of family trips and strives to provide the same types of experiences and happy memories for her children. 

Betti’s cousin and best friend, Mariel Hidary, a”h, inspired her to teach crocheting.  Before she died, Mariel was studying dance therapy with the goal of improving girls’ self-esteem and confidence through dance.  “I hope I am carrying on her mission through a different method.”   

Rewards and Challenges

Betti loves seeing kids light up about learning.  Engaging children came naturally to her, and she treats her students like her own kids.  “Watching my students’ growth in self-esteem from September to June and [from] year to year is incredible. I thrive on building children and shaping confidence and curiosity.”

Robotics competitions are intense, yet Betti’s students remain calm and composed, even amid tournament-day chaos.  Betti credits the classroom culture she has built, where mistakes are looked at as learning opportunities and challenges are met with determination. Students gain confidence and learn to treat setbacks as problems to solve. When difficulties arise, they don’t panic, they get to work.

Betti’s oldest son, Ezra, won first place in a nationwide robotics competition, competing against 140 robots. Betti’s teams have consistently won first place for several consecutive years, demonstrating the effectiveness of her teaching methods and program development.

Her challenges? Time is number one.  Organization is central to Betti’s ability to manage her busy life. She creates detailed color-coded schedules for each child and coordinates carpools for all activities. For her personal and work commitments, Betti maintains a separate handwritten planner.

What’s Next

Betti has two book ideas for hands-on guides for nutrition and STEM.                                         

Connect with Betti at [email protected].  Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. She can be contacted at [email protected].

Rabbi Hayim Asher Arking & Rabbi Ezra Ghodsi

The gradual entry into the most reflective day in our history starts with the Fast of the 17^th of Tammuz and continues for the following three weeks. During this time period, we slowly add to our mourning and refrain from more and more pleasures until we reach Tisha B’Av itself.

On the eve of Tisha B’Av we intensify our seriousness as we enter into the actual day of mourning. The Se’udat Hamafseket is the point where we segue into the Fast as we are still eating, however sitting on the floor and creating the mood of Tisha B’Av.

What do we eat for the Se’udah Hamafseket?

The Se’udat Hamafseket is the last meal prior to the fast. It should consist of the bare minimum, essentially just bread and water. The custom is to also eat something round, either an egg or lentils, as these are things eaten by mourners since they represent the circle/cycle of life. It is important not to eat a big meal too late in the day so that one will be at least a little hungry for the Se’udat Hamafseket, and it can actually be considered a meal.

Are rice and lentils considered one or two foods?

It is forbidden to eat more than one cooked food at the Se’udat Hamafseket, so as to demonstrate our mourning by restricting what we eat. Even one type of food that is prepared in two different ways is not allowed (e.g. a hard-boiled egg and a soft-boiled egg). However, if the two foods are normally cooked together in one pot and eaten together as one dish (such as rice and lentils), then it can be served at the Se’udat Hamafseket as it is considered one food.

How do we sit at the Se’udah Hamafseket?

The custom is to sit on the floor. Everyone should sit separate from each other with a solemn attitude, mourning the Bet Hamikdash. If three adult men are present, they should sit in separate corners of the room, to avoid the requirement to do zimun.

How high may my chair be?

At the Se’udat Hamafseket, one should sit on the floor (or anything less than a tefah high – 3 to 3.2 inches). An elderly person or a pregnant woman who finds this too difficult may sit on a cushion or stool that is lower than 3 tefahim high (9 to 9.6 inches). In regards to Tisha B’Avitself, it is permitted for everyone to sit on a low cushion or pillow, and many also permit a stool of lower than three tefahim.

When sitting on the floor, one should still stand for a parent, rabbi, or elderly person.

May I drink tea or coffee at the Se’udat Hamafseket?

Tea and coffee are not considered “cooked foods,” and are therefore halachically permitted. However, it is praiseworthy to be stringent and refrain from extra enjoyment at the time that we start mourning the Bet Hamikdash.

May I still eat after Birkat Hamazon before the fast starts?

According to some, it is preferable to have in mind to not accept the fast before reciting Birkat Hamazon. If one did not, he may still eat or drink, even if he planned on accepting the fast. However, if one verbalized his acceptance of the fast, then he may not eat or drink and all the other restrictions of the fast apply at that time.

After slowly increasing our mourning over the past three weeks, we finally reach the pinnacle on Tisha B’Av. On this day, there is: 1) no eating or drinking; 2) no washing; 3) no applying creams or oils to one’s skin; 4) no leather shoes; 5) no marital relations. We also sit on the floor, not on regular chairs, similar to mourners.

When does the fast start?

The fast begins at sunset (approximately 8:19pm in the NY/NJ area). At this point all the laws of Tisha B’Av take effect, including sitting on the floor. One should stop eating a few minutes before sunset and make sure no food particles are left in his mouth.

May I clean the house?

One should not sweep, wash the floors, wash dishes, or engage in any extended clean-up on Tisha B’Av until after midday, hatsot, on Thursday (approximately 1:03pm in the NY/NJ area). Dirty dishes, however, may be placed in the dishwasher and it may be turned on. If leaving dirty dishes in the sink will cause the house to smell or will attract flies, one may wash them even by hand (and it is not necessary to wear gloves).

May I brush my teeth?

Tisha B’Av is more stringent than regular fasts, and it is not permitted to rinse out one’s mouth or brush one’s teeth. If one is very uncomfortable or has bad breath, he can use mouthwash (without rinsing with water afterward), but he should tilt his head downward to avoid swallowing it.

May I take medicine for a headache?

If one has a headache, he may swallow a pill without water, provided that it does not have a flavored coating. Other medications are also permitted; however, vitamins and health items should not be taken. If one is unable to swallow the pill without water, a rabbi should be consulted.

How do I wash my hands?

In the morning, one should wash his fingers up to the third knuckle three times. One who has the custom during the year to wash their hands three times after entering a restroom may do so, but only up to the knuckles.

One who is sick and washing for bread should wash his hands like he does throughout the year – up to the wrist. Similarly, the Kohanim should also wash up to the wrist, but they should only wash each hand one time. When a Levi washes his hands prior to washing the Kohanim’s hands, he may only wash up to the knuckles.

My hands got dirty, may I wash them?

Any washing for cleanliness (such as for unclean hands or even to remove gunk around the eyes in the morning) is permitted. However, only the dirty area may be washed, and not the rest of the hand. If one touches his shoe, only the part of the hand that touched the shoe should be washed. An exception is when someone touches a covered part of their body, requiring washing before reciting a beracha or praying. In this case, the hand should be washed up to the knuckles.

Is it permitted to wash my hands with soap?

Applying creams, oils, etc., is only prohibited if done for pleasure or enjoyment. However, when done for cleanliness, such as if one’s hands are dirty and they need soap to clean them, it is permitted. It is also permitted to use Purell to disinfect, if necessary.

May I use deodorant?

Deodorant (even with a good smell) may be used, as it is for cleanliness and not for pleasure.

What if only part of the shoe is leather?

Shoes with even a leather sole or leather top may not be worn. However, if there is a small strip of leather intended for decorative purposes only, the shoes may be worn. Similarly, a pair of flip-flops that has only a thin strap to hold the foot in place and does not protect the foot is also permitted.

What if I don’t have any non-leather shoes?

If one is worried that he will get hurt or dirty, then he may wear leather footwear outside if he has no other option. For example, if it is pouring rain or muddy, one may wear appropriate shoes or boots outdoors to remain dry and clean. However, they should be removed immediately when entering the house, shul, or car.

May children wear leather shoes?

Being that young children generally have a non-leather option, they should not wear leather shoes.

May I read Tehillim?

On Tisha B’Av, the regular study of Torah is not permitted, as Torah brings a person joy. However, one should study the Gemarot and Midrashim that discuss the destruction of the Bet Hamikdash. One may also study the laws of Tisha B’Av or the laws of avelut. It is also permitted to study sefarim that encourage a person to reflect on his sins and do teshuva.

Reading Tehillim is also like studying Torah, and should not be done unless one is praying for something specific, such as for a sick person. Therefore, one who is unable to study the parts of Torah permitted on Tisha B’Av and wants to read his set amount of Tehillim should read the Tehillim as prayer for a sick person or for another need.

May I wish someone good morning?

Due to the somber mood of the day, one should not greet their friend with common greetings such as, “hello,” “good morning,” “how are you?” and the like. If one was greeted by somebody who is unaware of this halacha, he should respond in a soft and serious tone.

What type of work is prohibited on Tisha B’Av?

One may not conduct any form of business, or buy/sell anything, including online purchases. (If there is potential for a loss, or if it is a rare opportunity, a rabbi should be consulted). Even before hatsot, it is permitted to buy food that will be needed for after the fast.

May one smell besamim?

One should not smell besamim on Tisha B’Av. In order to recite the required 100 berachot, one should listen to the berachot on keriat HaTorah and have in mind to fulfill his obligation with that.

What else should we do or not do?

One should not engage in fun activities or socialize, as the mood of the day should be one of mourning and solitude, to enable us to reflect on how we can rebuild the Bet Hamikdash. One should even refrain from sitting with a child on his lap for no reason, so he won’t end up playing with them. However, it is permitted to do so for a specific purpose, such as to calm the child.

What may be done after hatsot?

After hatsot (approximately 1:03pm in the NY/NJ area), one may sit on a regular chair. At that point, it is also permitted to start preparing food, cleaning up the house, or washing the dishes. All other restrictions are still in place until the fast is over.

What activities are permitted after the fast is over?

After the fast, it is permitted to shower, shave, or wear freshly laundered clothes. Many have the custom not to eat meat or drink wine until the end of the 10^th of Av. This is because, although the Bet Hamikdash was set on fire on Tisha B’Av, most of the burning occurred on the 10^th. For this reason, the beracha shehehianu should not be recited on this day either.

May we merit to see the building of the Bet Hamikdash speedily in our days! Amen.

Connect with Ohr Halacha

To read the full Tisha B’av FAQs, including the laws of the three weeks and nine days, or to see the footnotes for this article, please visit the website of Ohr Halacha: ohroftheshore.com. For further questions on this topic, or for other halacha questions, you can call/text/WhatsApp the Ohr Halacha Hotline: (732) 359-3080.

In a recent episode of SIMHA’s monthly series, psychotherapist Lilian Rishty of NYC Therapy Group shed light on the unique pressures facing women in our community. While women are often celebrated for their incredible strength, the conversation revealed a heavy truth: this very resilience can sometimes mask deep emotional and mental burnout.

The Guilt of Self-Care

One of the biggest challenges women face is the deep guilt that comes with putting their own needs first. From a young age, women are often conditioned to be natural caretakers and peacemakers. Because of this, many unconsciously equate their self-worth with self-sacrifice, feeling like a “good” mother, wife, daughter, or friend means always giving until the tank is empty.

When women try to set boundaries or take time for themselves, they often feel selfish. But the reality is exactly the opposite: taking care of yourself is a prerequisite for taking care of anyone else. You truly cannot pour from an empty cup.

The Trap of the “Superwoman” Ideal

Our community and society often hold up an impossible standard: the woman who does it all perfectly, all at once. She is expected to be a nurturing caretaker, ambitious, put-together, and perfectly agreeable. This “superwoman” ideal sets women up for a constant cycle of perfectionism and a nagging feeling of failure.

When we push past our natural human limits to meet these standards, it leaves us facing heavy emotional hurdles:

Anxiety and Shame: When needing a break or having normal, human limits feels like a sign of weakness.

Imposter Syndrome: Doubting or minimizing our own accomplishments despite clear success.

The Need for Redefined Worth: Measuring our value purely by our constant output and productivity, rather than by who we are.

Understanding the “Mental Load”

Burnout in women isn’t just about being physically tired. It is frequently driven by the “mental load,” which is the invisible, exhausting mental labor required to manage a household and family. It’s the constant internal checklist: remembering doctor’s appointments, tracking groceries, managing the emotional temperature of the home, and planning three steps ahead.

This state of being constantly “on call” keeps the nervous system on high alert. Even when a woman is physically resting, her brain is often still scanning for what needs to be done next, making it incredibly hard to actually power down.

Why Women Face Higher Risks

Statistically, women are twice as likely as men to struggle with anxiety or depression. This isn’t a personal failing; it’s a layered reality involving biology, social roles, and psychology.

Hormonal shifts during pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause create real vulnerabilities to mood changes. Conditions like PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and PMADs (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders) are real, treatable medical conditions and are not things to be brushed off as just a normal part of life. Psychologically, women are also more likely to ruminate, turning inward with self-criticism and overanalyzing their perceived flaws.

You Don’t Have to Carry It Alone

If you are feeling anxious, burnt out, or disconnected, please don’t ignore it. You don’t have to carry this invisible weight alone. Reach out for support from friends, family, or religious mentors in the community. Additionally, professional counseling and therapy can provide real tools to shift old thought patterns and reclaim your peace. By talking about these struggles openly, we can build a community where women feel truly supported in prioritizing their health, completely guilt-free.

Reclaiming Your Identity and Voice

To combat these heavy pressures, small shifts in our daily habits can make a massive difference:

• Swap “Sorry” for “Thank You”: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for complaining,” try, “Thank you for listening.” This small change shifts the dynamic from an apology to mutual respect.

• Set Firm Boundaries: When you need to say “no,” skip the urge to over-explain. A simple, kind, “I’m not available” is incredibly empowering.

• Shrink the Frame: When life feels overwhelming, stop looking at the giant picture. Just ask yourself: What do I need to do in the next ten minutes?

• Reconnect with Yourself: It’s easy for your identity to get buried under roles like mother, wife, or worker. Make time for hobbies or moments that feed your personal creativity, curiosity, or joy, purely for fun and not for productivity. Whether it’s a regular exercise routine, weekly Torah class, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee alone, give yourself permission to do things just for you.

Eddie Esses

The inclusion of Senator Sam Sutton’s buffer zone legislation in the New York State budget by Governor Kathy Hochul represents a landmark moment for Jewish New Yorkers, culminating months of sustained advocacy, coordination, and civic engagement. The legislation establishes a 50-foot buffer zone around synagogues, religious schools, and JCCs to help protect congregants students, and JCC participants from protests intended to harass or intimidate, and is being widely described by community leaders as the most consequential piece of legislation for Jewish New Yorkers in recent memory.

Background

The origins of the bill trace back to an immediate and urgent response following the November Park East Synagogue incident. Senator Sutton, Eddie Esses, and Joey Saban immediately convened a meeting in Sam’s office to confront the question of what meaningful protections could be put in place. Out of that initial discussion came the decision to draft and introduce what would become the buffer zone legislation.

From that point forward, the process was defined by seven months of intense behind-the-scenes work. Joey Saban and Senator Sutton engaged in a relentless schedule of meetings with Senate leadership, Assembly counterparts, staff, and stakeholders across government. Through the process there were many setbacks, shifting dynamics, and difficult negotiations. At various points, the legislation appeared stalled or uncertain, only to be revived again through persistent advocacy and renewed negotiations. 

A critical moment came when Governor Hochul chose to personally adopt the legislation as part of her executive budget proposal. The governor not only embraced the bill, but actively fought for its inclusion, elevating it within the broader budget negotiations. Senator Sutton was told directly by Governor Hochul that the issue was a “red line” priority for her, underscoring the level of commitment behind ensuring its passage. 

Civic Participation Leads to Major Impact

This moment highlights the extraordinary role our community’s increased civic participation has had in making major changes. In particular, it highlights the incredible impact of Senator Sutton’s election. This achievement demonstrates what becomes possible when a community organizes, votes, and places trust in one of its own to carry its voice into the halls of power. The passage of the buffer zone legislation is the direct result of that engagement, illustrating how sustained participation translated into tangible policy outcomes.

Key legislative partners deserve significant credit, as they helped navigate the bill through both chambers. Assemblymember Simcha Eichenstein served as Senator Sutton’s negotiating counterpart in the Assembly. He, along with the full Jewish delegation in the Assembly, helped guide the legislation through negotiations, strengthening the bill significantly. Assemblymember Micah Lasher, the original Assembly sponsor of the bill alongside Sutton, played a foundational role in shaping and advancing the legislation from its earliest stages. 

Activism on the ground played a key role as well. The consistent, vocal activism of Abie Hamra was critical. His online petition and sustained advocacy rallied the public in favor of the idea of buffer zones. After the bill was introduced, UJA Federation of NY coalesced support amongst elected officials and interfaith leaders across New York State and coordinated a major online campaign to increase support in both chambers of state government.  Ultimately, the passage of the buffer bill is both a policy victory and a broader civic lesson. It reflects what can be achieved when we as a community move beyond concern and into action by voting, organizing, and engaging directly in the political process. If this level of participation and engagement can yield such significant results, just imagine which even greater achievements are within reach. The message that emerges from this victory is clear: when the community shows up, organizes, and participates fully in civic life, it has the power to shape history and deliver meaningful change for generations to come.

Ellen Geller Kamaras

“Everyone depends on me, I never stop thinking about what needs to be done. It is exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade the time with my family.”

Do these words sound familiar? Then you are probably a member of the sandwich generation.

In the U.S., millions of women and men belong to this group.

According to Mental Health America, the forties is the peak age when Americans are the most likely to be sandwiched. Today nearly one in four U.S. adults are in the “sandwich generation.”

What is in this new demographic?

They are adults who are juggling the tasks of caring for their aging parents (65+) and raising dependent children while trying to maintain their own careers. Caught in the middle, they are sandwiched between the needs of two different generations, each with its distinct demands and challenges. According to the Pew Research Center, fifty-four percent of adults in their forties are currently taking care of a child and a 65+ parent.

Longer Lives Equals Longer Care

The sandwich demographic also includes people in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s.  Yes, you read right!   People in their late fifties, sixties, and early seventies are babysitting for their grandchildren as well as managing the care and finances of an elderly parent.

People are living longer.  According to the Social Security Administration, one out of every four 65-year-olds today will live past age 90.    In addition, our young adult children often need our help post-college.   Top Resume, a prominent professional resume-writing service, conducted a survey of 600 U.S. parents that revealed that nearly 40 percent of recent graduates lack full-time work, leaving families to cover housing, bills, and more. Yes, the sandwich generation takes care of adult children, too!

A new term was coined for someone around age 70, “the club sandwich or triple-decker sandwich generation.”   It’s used for people assisting an elderly parent while also helping adult children and young grandchildren. 

A Balancing Act

Parenting, caregiving, and maintaining one’s own household and career are the three major responsibilities that require simultaneous balancing by the sandwich generation.

This life stage can be quite overwhelming.  Let’s talk about the ways the sandwich generation can navigate and manage the demands and rewards of this dual-caregiving role.   The required tasks are not only practical and involve time management but may also take an emotional and financial toll on the caregiver.

Ensuring our older parents get the best care possible is our responsibility and our privilege as adult children.

Caregivers in the sandwich generation often feel like they are being pulled in many directions.   They report feeling stressed, guilty, pressured by time constraints, and strained financially.  It’s vital to protect your own health.  Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first!   To avoid caregiver burnout, ensure you carve out time for sufficient sleep, exercise, a social life, and your own health care.  

And let’s not forget your own career and job.  You may need to think creatively how to maintain your job and still offer care needed for older parents. This may mean asking for family leave or organizing a shorter workweek.  Review the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) guidelines and speak to your Human Resources representative to determine the benefits your company offers to sandwich generation employees.   Common perks may include flexible work arrangements, caregiver leave, elder care resources, financial and legal support, back-up care, and employee assistance programs.

Practical Strategies and Techniques

First, plan ahead:  Inquire about your parents’ health and long-term insurance coverage. Check their legal documents including wills, health care proxies, and power of attorney (POA). Determine if they have money set aside for retirement.  Consulting with an elder care case manager and attorney will educate you on how to best assist your parents.   If one spouse gets sick suddenly, if there is not a power of attorney in place, the other spouse may not be able to handle the other’s financial and legal affairs.

Helping a 65+ parent can be extra challenging when the parent sees help as a threat to their independence.  Adult children often encounter resistance when they talk to their parents about powers of attorney, health care proxies, and adding beneficiaries to their bank accounts.  Start with a soft touch. The conversation will go better if the adult child frames their intent as protecting their parents’ choices rather than taking over their lives.  Explain that a POA or health care proxy gives them more control if they can’t speak for themselves or they cannot handle something temporarily.   Otherwise, the courts or a total stranger might make decisions on their behalf.

Communicate and coordinate with your siblings and spouses:  Teamwork is a must. Do not go it alone or try to do everything by yourself.   You will burn out quickly.  Based on your schedules and locations, determine who can take care of what, such as taking care of finances and insurance.   Siblings can prevent burning out by taking turns driving elderly parents to medical appointments or hosting them in their homes for the holidays or Shabbatot.

My rabbi’s wife, Shternie, has six siblings. All seven siblings are on a family WhatsApp chat to discuss and share the tasks related to their mother’s care. Shternie checks her daily work and personal calendars every morning, reviewing her appointments and availability to pitch in with the grandchildren.

Caregiving is tougher when some or all of the adult children live far away from their aging parents.

Getting your spouse on board to help with your own dependent children is key.  You may have to hire a sitter, or other family members may be available to pitch in.

It is not uncommon for family scenarios to get complicated, and for the spouse who was “the healthy one” to become the one who needs extra care. Often it is critical for husbands or wives to step up to the plate to take care of duties their spouse has been responsible for, and their children need to step in, as well. In order for the sandwich generation members to be free to help, sometimes outsourcing some basic tasks may be in order – such as using babysitters or teens who can pick up kids from school while their parents are involved with aging or ill parents.

Use Outside and Community Resources:  You can’t do everything yourself.  There are adult day programs, senior centers, and transportation services available to assist you.   You may have to hire a home health aide or your parents’ insurance coverage may cover it.   Sephardic Bikur Holim (SBH) and the Sephardic Community Center (SCC) offer excellent services for our senior population. 

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, she was enrolled in an adult day care program in a nursing home. She was picked up and returned home by van and was in a nurturing and stimulating environment from 9am to 4pm.   She lived with her daughter Debbie, who was her primary caregiver.  Debbie joined an SCC support group for caregivers and benefited greatly from it.

Time management: Consider using e a shared digital calendar and sync up family apps likeTimeTree to track appointments, school events, and care shifts. 

Establish boundaries and priorities:  Practice self-care and acknowledge that you cannot meet everyone’s needs personally.  Please ask for help from family or friends or get paid or community services.

Involve your children appropriately and reap the rewards:   Explain your role as caregiver of your children’s grandparent and encourage your kids to participate in age-appropriate ways.  Your young children can entertain an aging grandparent by playing a game with them or can occupy them by playing a musical instrument. Or they can brighten their day by just drawing a picture for them.

My childhood friend Bonnie took care of both her parents.  “I always had the mitzvah of kibud av v’eim at the forefront. My adult children and grandchildren understood that Grandma and Grandpa came first. From a chinuch angle, it was priceless and they learned about the obligation and mitzvah of taking care of parents. My parents modeled it for me.”

Another close girlfriend shared that she is sandwiched among three generations, which presents both challenges and blessings.  She is retired and can spend significant time maintaining strong connections with her 99-year-old mother, her children, and her grandchildren.

Her mother is totally dependent on a wonderful caregiver who is indispensable.  My friend visits her mother daily except on Shabbat and has special bonding times with her grandchildren, doing art or gardening.  She and her husband also touch base with each adult child weekly without being intrusive.

From personal experience, I can say that the value of giving back to our parents and grandparents cannot be measured.

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. She can be contacted at [email protected] (www.lifecoachellen.com). 

QUESTION:  

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I hope I don’t sound like a mean person, but there is something that bothers me, which turns into a fight very often. I work very hard to support my family. When I come home, the house is messy and most of the time food is not ready. I ask my wife to have things somewhat ready. This almost always turns into a fight. Is there a way to get my message across?

R’ Ali’s Response:  

I’d like to highlight one point before I begin to put things into perspective. You mention that you don’t want to sound mean. Many people are hesitant to reach out because they feel petty or embarrassed by their behavior. We need to understand that we are all human and have our own personal struggles. These struggles are nothing to be ashamed of and certainly are not a reason to hold back from reaching out. Although it’s rarely too late to reach out, many times people only reach out very late in the game, making things harder to repair.

You wrote that this issue turns into a fight when you mention something. I’m aware that “communication is the key” (or maybe not),  but there are times when communication can damage a relationship. If you see something is not working, stop doing it. Until you figure out a better way to approach the situation, do not approach the situation.

It would be ideal to actually discuss this point with your wife. “It seems as though we do not see eye to eye on this point. Let’s not discuss it until we figure out what to do.” Your question was, “Is there any way to get my message across?” I think you got your message across. Your wife is well aware of your feelings on this matter. Clearly, there’s something that’s missing here.

A great man once said, “Everyone knows everything.” Meaning, people think that their spouse doesn’t know what they want or how badly they want it. They think that all they need is someone to explain it to them and they will comply. This is a big mistake, for the most part. The question that people have when I tell them this idea is, why won’t they just do it!? 

There are many reasons why they can’t do something that would make you happy. It could be that it’s very hard for them to do certain things. Those things may be easy for you, but hard for them.

Another reason could be that they want to push back due to the way you are approaching the topic. It may be in an aggressive way, which causes them to be resistant. There’s another reason that is common and that is gender differences. Men will look at cooking and cleaning as very simple and something that takes minimal preparation. This could be due to some men comparing their labor to that of their wives. (This applies to how women think about men, as well.)

Speaking to a third party can help you sort out the reason why your wife is resistant. Thereby you can approach the situation in a better, more productive manner. In general, I like to tell people that if you want things done differently, do it yourself. If you don’t like to come home to a messy house, get cleaning help, ask the kids to chip in, or you yourself can chip in. Of course, this is just a general rule and should be applied carefully.