Mozelle Forman

Our community is blessed, for the most part, with affluence that tends to place a heavy emphasis on material possessions.  Looking around and seeing the opulent lifestyle of our friends and neighbors can entice one to make poor decisions about their own financial life.  “Keeping up with the Joneses,” can become a dangerous position to take when a couple begins to live beyond their means in order to fit in.  This choice – the way they earn, the way they spend – becomes the responsibility of both husband and wife

Ari Perl, LCSW, a couples therapist, facilitates a group for men at SBH, entitled, “The Pressures of Providing,” addressing this phenomenon and “providing a space of mutual support from like-minded guys.”  What has emerged in this group are the deepest feelings that men have about providing for their family, things they may never have felt comfortable sharing with their wives. 

“The men in our group have expressed the wish that others understood the gravity of the burden of managing and budgeting bills and debt- and the constant nature of it. They are choking, caught between a rock and a hard place, between tuition, housing, and other basic living expenses on one side and an income that hardly covers it on the other. They wish they didn’t get hit with sudden large bills even for some ‘noble causes,’ and if they are, they wish their wives would understand what impact that has on them. They wish they didn’t need to conflict with their wives over these issues, let alone be ‘hit’ by sudden large purchases that they only know [about] because they see the bill or the package come in the mail. They need understanding, compassion, respect, and for all of these to be expressed through ongoing close contact over these issues.”

Man As the Provider

To understand why men carry the burden of parnassa alone, we simply have to look back to when Hashem decreed it should be, b’zeat apecha tochal lachem – with the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread.  For a man, there is an intrinsic connection between supporting his family and his sense of self-worth.  His need to provide well for his family is not dictated by his “ego,” it is his Gd-given mandate to work hard and support his family. 

The mandate, though particular to man, was not meant to be his struggle alone.  When Hashem created Chava, it was not only to alleviate something negative, Adam’s being alone, it was to provide him with something positive, an “ezer kenegdo” – a curious synthesis of “helpmate against him” – as his partner in the challenges of daily living.  Our sages explain that in a relationship, there are times when one is most helpful by being supportive and alongside one’s spouse, and there are times when the help that is needed requires going against the desires and position of one’s spouse. The goal is to know when each action is appropriate. Regardless of the action, it is clear that woman was given a mandate from Hashem to act and to influence.

Collaboration and Communication

In order for this helping relationship to thrive, collaboration and communication are essential.  If a man is not disclosing an honest assessment of the family’s financial state, he deprives himself of this help.  When a husband does not disclose to his wife that this year’s business was not as profitable and therefore, adjustments to their spending need to be made, he leaves himself abandoned and alone in meeting the financial needs of the family.  When a wife is not made aware of the true nature of the family’s income, she may feel resentful when she is told that she needs to cut back on spending.  She decides that things can’t be that bad and continues to spend as always.  It can be quite tempting and calming for a wife to have the attitude that her husband is in charge and “let him handle it.”  Receiving a “salary” for the week and remaining unaware of all the other bills waiting to be paid may give a wife a sense of serenity and security.  But if you ask the wife who became aware of the family’s dire financial situation when she watched her car being repossessed in her driveway or if you ask the wife who discovered that her home is now in foreclosure because the mortgage hasn’t been paid in years, they will tell you that they would have liked to have known.

Any financial planner would offer a straightforward, simple plan to alleviating stress about money – “We don’t spend more than we earn.” And while this should solve most financial issues, most couples can’t adopt this philosophy when underlying psychological implications of power and security are not addressed. 

Values-Based Financial Choices

Rabbi Manis Friedman, world-renowned author, teacher, and speaker on creating a successful marriage, emphasizes the significance of open communication and shared decision-making regarding finances within a marriage, encouraging couples to discuss financial goals and responsibilities openly. He often cautions against placing too much emphasis on material wealth as the primary factor in marital happiness, suggesting that true fulfillment comes from deeper connections and shared values.  He advocates for incorporating ethical and spiritual considerations when making financial choices, aligning personal values with financial actions. 

Ari Perl witnesses this first-hand in the couples he counsels.  “When a couple sets personal family values and make decisions about their standard of living together it’s very powerful, inspiring, and rewarding.  It’s an opportunity to renew their vows around what’s really meaningful and valuable- like family, faith, health, personal accomplishments, and being happy with your portion.”

Every marriage begins with a financial transaction called kiddushin. In kiddushin, the man gives the woman, in the presence of two witnesses, money or some other object, such as a ring, valued at no less than a perutah, signifying their union. While the woman is a passive participant in this initial financial transaction, it is unadvisable for her to remain a silent partner.  When both spouses are aware of and are concerned about the financial stability of their family, they have the best chance of success.  Most couples spend their entire married lives disagreeing about financial matters.  Disagreement does not mean they have a bad relationship. It simply means they haven’t found the right way to discuss a difficult topic.  Experts in the field give the following advice:

Expert Advice

Talk to each other – Discuss your hopes and dreams, while prioritizing goals.  Discuss how you can work together to achieve them, recognizing that some dreams are not realistic for your family. 

Discuss money regularly –In order that issues don’t build up and solve the differences and challenges between you rather than debating who is right.  Accept that some problems are unsolvable and focus on constructive ways to discuss them. 

Try to understand your partner’s perspective –As in everything else having to do with marriage, we must take into account that we are each individual with different money styles. For example, one partner may prioritize saving for retirement, while the other may prioritize spending on leisure activities. Take the time to learn to listen to each other. When you are open to compromise with your partner about money, you can work together to find the best solution for both of you. Lastly, if conflict or lack of transparency still prevail, seek the help of a rabbi, counselor, or financial planner to insure the financial health and well-being of your family.

Look for the Warning Signs

While financial assessment meetings should take place regularly, there are a few red flags regarding finances that require immediate attention:

• If a spouse refuses to talk about money or gets defensive when asked about finances, it’s a red flag that they might be hiding important information that could affect the other spouse’s financial well-being. This could include hidden debt or an excessive spending habit, compulsive gambling, or unethical business practices.

• When a spouse overspends continually on a credit card, it can quickly snowball into a debt crisis for the couple.  Opening more new credit cards and maxing out multiple credit cards will not only create the debt crisis but will damage your credit, making you ineligible to apply for loans in the future.

• When a spouse is unwilling to create a budget or stick to a budget created together, financial crisis can occur and trust can be damaged.

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas

Pikuach Nefesh for a Woman in Labor

Sandra was extremely nervous as her due date fell on Shabbat. “Rabbi, what do I do? How do I get to the hospital on Shabbat? Sammy must come with me – is that okay?”

In the last column, I explained that according to Sephardic poskim,pikuach nefesh (saving a life) should ideally be carried out by Jews rather than non-Jews. Whereas the Ashkenazi minhag is to use a non-Jew or to use a shinui (a modification of the usual practice) whenever possible, if this will not cause any delay or any endangerment to the patient.

ShulchanAruch‘s Ruling on a Yoledet

However, all agree that with a yoledet (a woman in labor), a shinui should be employed whenever possible. As ruled in the Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 330:1): “A woman in labor is considered like a choleh she-yesh bo sakana (a sick person whose life is in danger), and Shabbat should be desecrated for all her needs. One may summon an expert midwife from afar to deliver her baby for her, or even light a candle for her, even if she is blind. Nevertheless, whatever can be performed with a shinui should be done by using a shinui.”

Magid Mishnah’s Explanation

Hacham Ovadia, zt”l,  (Hazon Ovadya, Shabbat Vol.3 p. 333) explains that this is based on the ruling of the Magid Mishnah (Hilchot Shabbat 2:11): From the Rambam’s language, it appears that a choleh she-yesh bo sakana does not require a shinui – only a yoledet does. The Rambam writes, “The rule is that Shabbat regarding a choleh she-yesh bo sakana is like a weekday in all matters.” The reason for this distinction between a yoledet and a choleh she-yesh bo sakana is because the labor pains of a yoledet are part of a natural process, and not even one in a thousand women dies in childbirth. Therefore, the Sages were stringent in requiring a shinui whenever possible for a yoledet, but they were not as stringent for a choleh.

When Is a Shinui Necessary?

Hacham Ovadia (Halachot Olam, Vol. 4, p. 140) explains that a shinui is only necessary when it will not cause any delay or endanger the woman or baby. If there is a risk, a shinui should not be employed. Therefore, when not urgent, it is preferable to go to the hospital with a non-Jewish driver. If this is not possible, a Jewish driver is permitted. Similarly, any preparations that can be made before Shabbat should be done before Shabbat (Hazon Ovadya, Shabbat, Vol. 3, p. 320). However, there is no need to arrange to sleep near the hospital before Shabbat (Halichot Olam, Vol. 4, p. 141).

Permitted Actions During Labor

Sammy can accompany Sandra to the hospital (Hazon Ovadya, ibid). In fact, he should accompany her even if she did not specifically request him to come (Yabia Omer, Vol. 9, OC 108, #179). This will provide her with yishuv hada’at (peace of mind). Even if violations of Shabbat are necessary, they may be permitted due to the principle of yesuvei da’ata – reassuring a woman in labor (Shulchan Aruch, O.C. 330). This is based on the Gemara (Shabbat 128)that allows for actions to calm and reassure a yoledet, ensuring that all her needs are addressed. For example, it may be permissible to switch on a light so that the medical staff can properly see what they are doing (this is allowed even if the woman is blind). Similarly, it is permissible to give her an epidural catheter and administer medications through it (Hazon Ovadya, ibid, p. 322).

Conclusion

In conclusion, a woman in labor is considered to be a case of pikuach nefesh, and Shabbat should be desecrated for all her needs. Sammy can certainly accompany Sandra to the hospital. However, whenever possible, any preparations that can be made before Shabbat should be completed in advance. Additionally, if it will not cause any delay or endangerment, actions should be performed with a shinui or by a non-Jew.Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a recognized expert, lecturer, and author on Medical Halacha. He is the head of the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, please email rabbi@torathabayit.com.

Jenna Ashkenazie

Matchmakers play a vital role in our community. Mrs. Odette Rishty has been a matchmaker for 28 years. She saw a notice inviting community members to a meeting dedicated to making matches. Attendees were askedto bring the names of singles that they knew, to introduce them to local matchmakers. Mrs. Rishtyattended, hoping to help friends find their partners. It turned out that she knew some eligible singles who the matchmakers did not know. She wasinvited to come back the next week. A few weeks later, she had made her first match! She joined the matchmaking team, and learned the ins and outs of the shidduch world.  She learned that there is much more to making a match than simply putting two people together.

Mrs. Odette Rishty
Starting out, Mrs. Rishty’s goal was to make matches for those “who needed it but didn’t want to need it.” She wanted the experience to be about good feelings, good customer service, and friendship. Her goal was to look beyond the resume, and to see all sides of the person, not just what was on the surface. Her goal was to push past appearances, and to get to know who each person is, not only what they look like. She believed that was the way to help people find their forever partner. She rejects the term matchmaker, and instead calls herself a community member who wants to help people.

            “We’ve always been taught that this is what Hashem is doing 24/7. I know that this is His realm, and He is letting me be his employee. We get to be a part of what He already decided, but it is clear to me that it is always Him.” A lot of people think that the matchmakers forget the singles who have approached them. But that is not the case. They do care and do not simply forget. Matchmakers ultimately have no control. It is always in Hashem’s hands. It is also up to the singles to put in the effort to meet people, and to put effort into their relationship.

When asked why she continues to work as a matchmaker, Mrs. Rishty states, “I hurt for their struggle, but I love this community. That is why I do what I do. I view them as one of me.” Her most important message: each match is from Hashem, and Hashem only. Every time she thinks of a match, it is all from Hashem.

Mrs. Rishty emphasizes that matchmaking is for everyone, including the more modern and the more religious. She notes that Mekudeshet, and Shaare Zion Connect are two incredible organizations that have supplied matchmakers with databases and support to connect them with rabbis and therapists, to help create the proper way of doing things. These organizations are rabbinically approved, and are constantly networking to improve and facilitate matches more effectively. It is the matchmaker’s job to guide couples through dating the proper way, which is why many matchmakers consult with rabbis and therapists if needed. This is not a job that can be done alone.

Mrs. Julie Gindi

When asked why she believes that singles are turning to matchmakers more than before, Mrs. Julie Gindi responded that there is simply no comfortable place for people to meet. People used to congregate after shul, meet at weddings, or other events. Today it is nearly impossible to meet at weddings and singles don’t just hang around places. With no organic way to meet, many community members have turned to matchmakers for help. Most matchmakers believe that the most important part of meeting a person is to get to know them beyond the resume. Matchmakers work to create a match that goes beyond the superficial stats. “The idea is not [just] to get someone on a date, it is to find someone who is compatible, to be able to build a happy marriage.” Mrs. Gindi believes it is important for people to know that the match has to be right for them, not only for their family or friends. She advises singles not to look for what others will think is good for you. It is also important to remember that “Hashem created each of us with our own unique imperfections. We have to keep that in mind when looking into a suggestion as well as when dating. We are not at ‘Build a Bear,’ we cannot take the image we have in mind and believe that anything slightly different is not right for us. We should see who they are today, and how they will be as a spouse.”

Someone who seeks the help of a matchmaker needs to feel comfortable with them. If a single searching for their soulmate feels they cannot be honest with the matchmaker, the matchmaker will not be able to find them a match. All matchmakers agree that one needs to have patience. The match will come about at the right time, in the manner it should happen. “I treat every single as if they are my own child. I feel their pain and frustration. And if I’m zoche to be Hashem’s shaliach, I feel their joy as well.”

Mrs. Frieda Betesh

Mrs. Frieda Betesh emphasizes that matchmakers invest in insuring that singles who come to them can trust them, and be honest and open. Frieda has been a matchmaker for 15 years and is one of the founding members of SZ Connect matchmakers’ organization, along with Kelly Sabbagh.

Frieda is involved with all aspects of matchmaking, from overseeing brainstorming meetings between matchmakers, to administrating the SZ Connect database, to finding unique solutions to complex situations with her fellow matchmakers. That’s where Frieda’s experience adds a fresh perspective. Frieda also works on her own matchmaking.

Frieda works with primarily older singles, and hopes to help them find their zivug. The process can be frustrating and difficult, but she is there for everyone who comes to her for help.

When asked about the benefits of using a matchmaker, Frieda states, “When you use a matchmaker there is more of a vetting process, more substance. Even the more modern people who might meet someone on their own ask a matchmaker about that person. It makes them more comfortable. Even if I didn’t set them up, I can coach them through it.” However, if there is one thing she could stress to anyone who is in the process of dating , it would be to“be open minded and flexible- miracles happen. All suggestions for a shidduch come from Hashem. there is a reason for everything.” The matchmakers are just the messengers, and all credit goes to Hashem.

Shirley Mansour

Shirley Mansour has been a matchmaker for 43 years. She got her start by setting up her brother and sister-in-law, then other family members and friends. She became known as “Shirley the matchmaker” and embraced her role after a conversation she had with Hacham Baruch, who told her that she was helping to do Gd’s work. Shirley is motivated to continue her matchmaking. “I hated seeing people alone. I’ve always loved the feeling of matching people,” she said. Shirley was one of the 12 matchmakers in Shaare Zion who worked together to make matches, and she helped to create Sephardic Link. Her goal is to establish trust with the people who come to her, to help them find the person who is right for them. “I feel blessed that I was able to do this for so many years, and I wish to continue to do that.”

Shirley works to gets to know each person beyond the picture. It is important for her that the people who she tries to set up are willing to look beyond the picture as well. “Look at the heart. Beauty can fade, the heart cannot.” She advises everyone, “There has to be a click. The heart is always there. Look at the character, that is not going to change. Hashem will clarify things for them. Keep going until you are sure. Give yourself the gift of being sure. You will know if it’s right or not. Go with your heart. Let Hashem guide your way. Always have bitachon and emunah.” Matchmakers all agree that every match comes from Hashem. Matchmakers are simply the messenger, so listen to the message.

Pnina Souid

Responding to Kaddish: An Appeal for Greater Awareness

Dear Fellow Community Members,

I am writing to address an important matter regarding the recitation of Kaddish in our synagogue and our collective response to it.

As we all know, Kaddish holds profound significance in our tradition as a prayer that proclaims the sanctity of Gd’s name. And we also know that some of the Kaddish prayers in the synagogue are recited by mourners during their year of mourning, and on the yahrtzeit, the anniversary of their loved one’s passing.

Our sages teach us about the tremendous spiritual power of responding “amen” to Kaddish, particularly the response of “Amen yehehShemeh Rabah.”The Gemara in Masechet Shabbat (119b) cites Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi’s teaching that answering “Amen yeheh Shemeh Rabah” with full concentration has the power to nullify harsh decrees.

I have observed with concern that some members of our congregation are not consistently responding “amen” at the appropriate points during Kaddish. While we may view this as simply squandering an opportunity to fulfill a mitzvah, I would like to draw attention to a deeper dimension of this matter.

When a mourner is recitingKaddish, he may be experiencing fresh grief or struggling with the pain of the loss, even if he is marking his loved one’s tenth yahrtzeit. Our attentive silence during their recitation and our unified response of “amen”at the appropriate moments express not only our reverence toward Hashem, but also our support and respect for the mourner in our midst.

I therefore respectfully urge our community to maintain attentive silence and respond “amen” with proper kavanah(concentration) during the recitation of Kaddish. Let us ensure that we honor both our obligation to Hashem and our responsibility to comfort and support our fellow congregants in their time of need.

Sincerely, Michael Cohen