Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R 

We all claim to be ready to die for the sake of Hashem. But are we ready to live for His sake?

Accepting the Yoke of Heaven

In Alei Shur, Vol. II, p. 362, Rav Wolbe discusses how we recite Kriat Shema twice every day and we are mekabel ol Malchut Shamayim,accepting upon ourselves the yoke of Hashem’s Kingship. In so doing, we crown Hashem King over all our limbs and commit to control our eyes, our ears, our mouths, our hands, our feet, our thoughts, and our feelings.

At that time when we accept ol Malchut Shamayim, someone who knows himself well may sense a voice inside that says, “I want to speak lashon hara.” And it’s quite possible that most, if not all, of our senses want to rebel. Not only do we not want to control our mouths, but we don’t want to control our appetites, our eyes, our bad middot. We don’t want to control any number of things that we should be controlling. And that’s when we are being honest. Someone who’s not attuned to his inner thoughts can easily fool himself. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Theory) posits that trying to push away these thoughts only invigorates them.

The Fiery Furnace

The rabbis say we are supposed to imagine a burning furnace, ready to devour us if we don’t refrain from worshiping avodah zarah,just like Avraham Avinu was thrown into a fiery furnace for refusing to do so (and was saved by Divine intervention). When reciting Shema, we are to think that we are ready to jump into that furnace and give up our life rather than worship idols. We are ready to die for the cause! That’s “u’v’chol nafshecha,” serving Hashem with all our soul.

As a young man learning in Yeshivas Mir, Shlomo Wolbe would say Kriat Shema like a good boy, including having in mind that he was willing to die al kiddush Hashem. Then an hour into his first learning seder, instead of learning, he noticed he was discussing nonsense. Four hours is a long time to learn without any chatting! But he said to himself, “Hold on, I’m willing to jump into a fiery furnace, but I’m not willing to learn for four hours straight? Something’s a little off here. Something is a little hypocritical. Something is insincere.”

And the answer is, his kabbalat ol Malchut Shamayim was not complete.

Putting Hashem in Control

Rav Yisrael Salanter says, when saying Shema, we can accept Hashem’s Kingdom over the seven heavens and the four corners of the earth — and leave ourselves out! So yes, of course, be prepared to die al kiddush Hashem, but kabbalat ol Malchut Shamayim means putting that yoke on all of those inner forces inside of us, on all of those voices that want to be in control, and putting Hashem in control.

A man was becoming a member of the Communist Party, and his comrades asked him a number of questions.

“If you have two houses, what will you do with them?”

He answered proudly, “One for myself, one for Mother Russia.” One check.

“If you have two airplanes, what will you do?”

“One for myself, one for Mother Russia.” Another check.

“If you have two coats, what will you do?”

“One for myself, one for Mother Russia.” Beautiful.

Then they asked, “If you have two chickens, what will you do?”

He didn’t answer.

Again, they asked, “What if you have two chickens?”

No answer.

Finally, they demanded, “Why aren’t you answering?”

And he said, “Well, I HAVE two chickens…” Which means, of course, we’ll give up that theoretical house, plane, and coat. Which is all wonderful. But that’s in theory. Once we’re talking about practical, as they say, tachlis,then the picture changes. “Yeah, I’ll jump into the fiery furnace. But not telling a little white lie? That’s a whole different story.”

TAKEAWAY

What do we do when we find that darker side inside of us? We have to admit, “Yes, I have those forces inside of myself. I can’t suppress them; they might come out. I have to work them through.” And then, follow through

Dave Gordon

This past February, six living hostages and the bodies of four Israeli hostages were exchanged for more than 1,100 Palestinian prisoners. One of them is presumed to be Palestinian Khalil Jabarin, who was seventeen in September 2018 when he stabbed and killed a 45-year-old American oleh from New York, Ari Fuld.

Ari’s brother Hillel, 46, said, “Truth is, I think we [our family] all had in the back of our heads that this was a possibility, but I don’t think any of us wanted to face that, so, it’s definitely a punch to the gut.”

An Undoing of Justice

For Hillel Fuld and  Micah Lakin Avni (Micah Hebraicized his last name), who lost his father, Richard Lakin, to a Hamas attack, there is a personal cost to negotiating with terrorists, particularly through prisoner exchange deals – one that reopens wounds, and creates a feeling that justice has been undermined.

They are caught weighing the moral scales between the desire to minimize the suffering of hostages, yet at the price of releasing individuals who may commit further atrocities, thereby undermining long-term security and rewarding terrorism.

Ari Fuld’s killer, Jabarin, came up from behind him on the sidewalk of Harim Mall at the Gush Etzion Junction, just south of Jerusalem, He stabbed Ari in the neck. Ari summoned the energy to chase down his killer, jump over a wall, and shoot him. Jabarin was stopped from attacking Hila Peretz, who only minutes before had served him a falafel from her stand.

“This kid lacked nothing in life,” Hillel Fuld said of Jabarin. “He was not oppressed; he was not occupied. He was living a free life.”

Jabarin, while serving a life sentence in prison, was paid by the Palestinian Authority’s pay-to-slay program, according to Fuld.

At least 59 hostages are still believed held by Hamas. Approximately 200 of those abducted on Oct. 7th have been returned, some alive, others not.

Ari Fuld’s Take on Things

“If Ari were here today, he would be unequivocally against this deal. He spoke about it multiple times, this kind of concept,” said Fuld. “I don’t think our personal tragedy or pain caused by the fact that he’s getting out changes our opinion on the deal, which is that the deal is absolutely terrible and beautiful simultaneously, right?”

Ari had completed his army service. but still volunteered in the IDF. He became leader of his platoon, while also advocating for Israel on social media and at speaking engagements. “Ari was more than an IDF soldier. He was also a staunch, vocal advocate for Israel,” Hillel said, “He spent his days going from base to base, bringing soldiers ice cream and food, just to put a smile on their face.”

On November 7, 2018, the Israel Police posthumously awarded Ari Fuld the Medal of Distinction.

Is Israel Winning the War?

“I think objectively speaking, what Israel has accomplished in this war is unparalleled and unprecedented,” Fuld said, which includes the elimination of the bulk of Hamas and Hezbollah, the Iranian military apparatus, and Syrian defenses.

“And so I don’t think there’s anyone who could say that Israel is not winning this war. The objectives have been very well defined, to remove Hamas from Gaza and from power, and to get our hostages back, neither of which have been accomplished. You can’t say that the war is over and we won the war. We’re in the middle of the war, and it’s a ceasefire,” Hillel said. But he is confident those goals will be reached.

“Ancient Egypt, Ancient Rome, Ancient Greece, [the] Babylonians – we don’t have any of these empires. They’re all gone. And Israel, the people of Israel, remain, and not only do we remain, but we are strong and we are resilient. And so that will be the case with this war. I don’t know how often we actually stop and think about the events that led to our holidays. At Purim, the leader of the world agreed to annihilate the Jews. Do we often stop and think that that was near genocide of the Jewish people? And the same thing for Hanukah and for Passover. So today that will be the case again. We will dance again.”

Prisoner Deals Evoke Mixed Emotions

Despite personal anguish over prisoner releases, both Fuld and Avni acknowledge the mixed emotions of needing to release hostages, at an impossibly high cost.

“I don’t think there’s a single person in Israel who wouldn’t do anything on a personal level to get hostages back. But on the other hand, strategically, it makes no sense to my mind to be letting prisoners out. It shows weakness,” Avni said.

Avni’s fatherwas killed by Hamas member Bilal Abu Ganem, part of the duo who killed three Israeli civilians and injured 15, in a bus attack in Oct. 2015. Abu Ganem was due to be freed in a recent prisoner exchange.

Richard Lakin’s Story

Born in the U.S., Lakin marched with Martin Luther King, and was an activist that helped desegregate schools in Connecticut. He was the principal at Hopewell Elementary School from 1969 until he moved with his family to Israel in 1984. He built an English-as-a-second-language school, teaching Jewish, Christian, and Arab children.

“It was a matter of principle for him. He thought that was the way to bring people together,” said his son.

Lakin was on the way home from a doctor’s appointment in Jerusalem, when there was a wave of Palestinian stabbings. Rather than risk being exposed to an attack on the walk home, he decided to take the bus. Two Hamas terrorists boarded, shooting Lakin and two other civilians, and injuring another 15 people.  

During the terror stabbing spree, police killed one of the attackers on the spot. The second, Abu Ganem, was brought to Hadassah Hospital, together with Lakin. Although the terrorist survived, Lakin, 76, did not.

Indoctrination to Terror

Two days after the attack, Hamas released a re-enactment video, said Avni. “They had actors get on a bus and ‘shoot’ another actor who was playing my father, and one playing a terrorist. They put it out to educate young children how to do terror attacks like that. And it got tens of millions of views,” said Avni.

 “An entire generation of kids grew up watching these movies all day long. Now they’re indoctrinated. It’s a culture of terror and death from kindergarten, summer camps, elementary schools, in high schools, in universities, anywhere children spend time.”

Abu Ganem, a resident of East Jerusalem who held an Israeli residency card, was tried in the District Court in Jerusalem, and sentenced to three life sentences. “He admitted to it, and there was no question that he and the other were both members of Hamas. He expressed zero remorse for what he had done,” said Avni.

A History of Prisoner Exchanges

Avni recalls the first time he expressed how adamantly he was against lopsided hostage deals.

Right after his family moved to Israel, a major prisoner exchange deal took place in May 1985, called the Jibril Agreement. “I remember telling my mother at the time – I was just about to enlist in the army – that if I ever get taken prisoner, don’t exchange any terrorists for me. It’s clear that they’re just going to come back and murder more people.”

The Jibril deal took place between the Israeli government and the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine – General Command. Israel released 1,150 prisoners. In return, Israel received three prisoners captured during the First Lebanon War: Yosef Grof, Nissim Salem, and Hezi Shai.

The deal included the release of several high-profile prisoners including Ahmed Yassin, a Gazan Muslim Brotherhood leader who later became the spiritual leader of Hamas and Ziyad al-Nakhalah, who was serving a life sentence and later became the leader of Palestinian Islamic Jihad.

It set a precedent for future exchanges, including the Gilad Shalit prisoner exchange in 2011, where 1,027 Palestinian and Israeli Arab prisoners were released in exchange for one IDF soldier.

Yahya Sinwar, the mastermind behind the October 7, 2023 Hamas massacre, was released as part of the Shalit exchange. Avni saw this as epitomizing a long line of wrongful thinking amongst Israelis and the country’s elites.

Terrorists Do Not Play by Western rules

Avni said that in the past four decades, he watched Israeli leadership “become enamored with being accepted in the West, in a similar way that I watched lots of my Jewish friends in America trying to play both sides.Hamas are “like the Nazis, pure evil and sometimes it’s hard for the Western mind to grasp this.”

“But there is no reasoning with these people,” Avni said, referring to terrorists. “There is no negotiation. Their end goal is to destroy us, to destroy Israel, and for most of them, to take over the West, as well. So that’s ideological. You have to destroy them before they destroy you.” In the time he ran a finance business with thousands of clients across the Arab world, he noticed that their culture respected strength, and “abused weakness,” and he believes the time has come for Israel and her allies to be “strong handed with terrorists.”

Inspiring conversations with the women shaping our community, one story at a time.

“Fitness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a child I loved walking everywhere, and by high school I got my first gym membership. The gym became my safe space – a place where I could feel strong, confident, and clear my mind.”  – Yael Dayon

Ellen Geller Kamaras

Please meet Yael Frasko Dayon, a passionate mother, wife, and fitness trainer who keeps many of our community women in Long Branch, NJ, healthy and strong.

Yael’s parents, Liat and Yosef Frasko, are of Syrian descent. Yael is the second of seven children and is close with her siblings. She attended Yeshiva Ateret Torahfor elementary through high school.

A social and friendly child, Yael loved being active and in motion and won sports competitions during high school. She admits that she found it challenging to sit at a desk for long hours.

“My favorite part of the day was always gym class – I was naturally athletic and loved sports.”

Fulfilling Her Vision

After high school, Yael went straight to a hands-on sales job, not wanting to work at  a desk job. After work, she would head to the Sephardic Community Center gym, where she trained friends for fun. “Fitness was something I had always loved, and over time it became more than just a hobby.”

Yael turned her passion into a career.  She started with a few clients, training them for free, just to gain experience. Next  she enrolled in school to become a certified fitness instructor. After earning her certification, she started training clients professionally and later began teaching classes at DSN Community Center, which inspired her to open her own home studio.

Yael is also a certified boxing trainer, certified nutrition coach, and is AED (Automated External Defibrillator)/CPR certified.

During the summer of 2023, Yael worked with Nutrition by Tanya as an EMSCULPT tech and earned the honor of employee of the month. She helped women gain confidence about their bodies and view themselves as strong, powerful, and beautiful.

And Then Came Marriage

Yael met her naseeb, David Dayon, one year her senior, through mutual family members and they clicked right away. David, also of Syrian descent, grew up in the Deal area. He works in ecommerce, advising and managing companies on Amazon. 

Yael moved to New Jersey when she married David ten years ago. Living away from Brooklyn was hard at first, but thanks to Yael’s work and dedication, she has built a fulfilling social life and a supportive community in New Jersey.

The couple has been blessed with four children.

Yael’s Essence

Yael describes herself as friendly, outgoing, hardworking, organized, and continually growing closer to Hashem. She is also warm, positive, and energetic. 

Having children was pivotal for Yael. She desired to feel strong and confident in her own body, and that fueled her passion for helping other women feel the same way.  Yael wanted every mother to feel proud of her body through its changes and to embrace becoming the strongest and best version of herself. Yael also understood that prioritizing fitness plays a crucial role in supporting the mental health of mothers, giving them a necessary outlet for self-care and personal well-being.

“My proudest accomplishments are getting my certifications, and empowering women in my community while balancing my career and family life.”  Having a nutrition certification enables Yael to guide her fitness clients about eating healthily.

Work/Life Balance

Yael’s fitness career allows her perfect work/life balance, giving her the flexibility to work from home, set her own schedule, raise her family, and be involved in the Jewish community.

“Balancing work and home life can be challenging. Mornings are hectic, knowing I have a client coming ten minutes after my kids get on the bus.  Some days, I miss out on personal time or the ability to drive my kids when they want, but the trade-off of being my own boss and setting my timetable is worth it.”

Yael starts her day at 5am with her own workout, followed by prayer, breakfast, and getting her kids ready for school. Her first client arrives at 8:40am, and she usually sees clients until the early afternoon and then she is free for her children. Yael works some evenings,as well. 

Over the years, she has transitioned from cardio to weight training, realizing that the heavier she lifted, the better her results and the stronger she became. She noticed the same pattern with her clients.  The more they focused on strength training, the less pain they experienced daily and the more energetic they felt, as opposed to the exhaustion that often comes with excessive cardio.

Yael is grateful for the huge and beneficial impact her career has had on her family. Her children have grown up seeing their mom prioritize fitness and the value of strength and health. Fitness has become a natural part of their lives. “We don’t focus on being skinny but on being strong and healthy. My family is proud of my career, and I know I’m setting a positive example for my children.”

The pandemic was a major turning point for Yael’s fitness business. With big gyms shutting down, people needed a space to train, and that’s when her home training and classes really took off. It afforded Yael the opportunity to build a strong clientele and expand her reach in ways she hadn’t expected.  As an extra boost to her business Yael started to sell juices and healthy desserts. Her clients are primarily women aged twenty and over.  Sometimes shealso trains high school students.

Community

Yael is deeply involved in the Syrian community and teaches in DSN. One of the most wonderful aspects of her career is training people she sees every day, building friendships, and strengthening the community. “Fitness isn’t just about working out – it’s about creating connections and supporting each other in our health journeys.”

For Fun

Yael enjoys activities that allow her to unwind while taking care of her body. That includes lifting weights, going for a run, or spending time in the sauna.  Self-care time slots for massages or recovery time are also a must for her.

Tips

Yael encourages young people to follow their dreams. “Don’t be afraid to start. Everyone begins somewhere, and success comes from consistency, dedication, and hard work. No one achieves success overnight.”

Although there were many instances where Yael questioned whether her career would work, she pushed forward. Over time, she is proud to have formed a strong clientele and a thriving business.  Her challenges helped her grow.

Connect with Yael on Instagram @yael_dayon or by text 703-853-6340. Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career and dating coaching.  Ellen can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).

Is Yawning Contagious?

Absolutely! It’s one of the body’s most contagious, uncontrollable actions.

In fact, yawning is so contagious that seeing a picture of someone yawning can make you yawn. Not only that, but even reading or writing about yawning can make you yawn! (Are you yawning yet?)

Scientists continue to research the “contagious yawn” phenomenon, but they have yet to discover what exactly causes people to yawn simply because they see another person yawning.

One theory is that yawning may be an unspoken form of communication, and “contagious yawning” is related to empathy (the ability to recognize, understand, and share the feelings of others). People with higher levels of empathy yawn more often when someone else yawns, compared to people with lower levels of empathy or those with emotional disorders.

A recent study discovered that yawns are most contagious among close friends and family members. Apparently, the closer you are to someone genetically or emotionally, the more likely it is that you’ll “catch” his/her yawn. Research has also shown that children under the age of five, as well as older adults, are less likely to yawn in response to somebody else yawning.

What Exactly Is a Yawn?

Everybody yawns on a daily basis, from infants to great-grandparents and everyone in between. But, have you ever wondered what exactly is a yawn?

A yawn is a big intake of air. The mouth and jaw open wide. Through the mouth and nose, there’s a deep inhale, followed by a slow exhale. Sometimes, people close their eyes when they yawn; often they stretch their arms or legs, too. Although we yawn more often when we’re tired or bored, scientists have ruled out sleepiness or lack of oxygen (which would cause sleepiness) as causes for yawning. Then why, exactly, do people and animals yawn?Scientists still do not know for sure, but they do have a few theories.

Animals Yawn Too!

Did you know that dogs, cats, and other animals yawn, too? In fact, nearly all vertebrates, from fish to reptiles to primates, yawn. What’s even more amazing is that research has proven that yawning is contagious among some animals as well. Examples include dogs, chimpanzees, and bonobos. Experiments have shown that dogs will even yawn after a person yawns!

Inventions are the ingenious gadgets and machines that have made our lives a little more fun, interesting, and easier. Real inventions are the things that we did not think were possible yesterday, and yet, it would be difficult to live without today. From the tiny paperclip to the massive jet engine, every month we will explore the history behind our world’s most famous inventions and learn about the innovators that designed them.

This month we explore the history behind an invention that most of us likely just take for granted…

The Post-it Note

Post-it Notes are one of the world’s favorite office supplies. Here’s a little fact about those sticky notes that might surprise you – like many of today’s great inventions, they were invented by accident!

In 1968, 3M researcher Dr. Spencer Silver had the job of developing adhesives for 3M. Although his mission was to create a stronger, more reliable adhesive for the aerospace industry, Silver ended up with something else. He created a weak adhesive that could be removed easily without leaving behind a residue. The glue also kept its stickiness when applied with pressure and was reusable. “At the time, we wanted to develop a bigger, tougher adhesive,” Silver said in a later interview. “This was none of those.”

For a number of years, Silver had a solution on his hand looking for a problem. He presented the adhesives at numerous business meetings and proposed their use for bulletin and message boards, but his proposals were rejected.

In Search of a Bookmark

In 1974, fellow 3M scientist, Art Fry, recalled one of Silver’s presentations when seeking out a way to solve a problem he was having with his bookmarks. Fry would use pieces of scrap paper to mark places in his books. However, it seemed like they always fell out. He dreamt up a bookmark that could stick to the pages, but that could also be easily removed without damaging the paper. That’s when Fry remembered the adhesive invention of his colleague. The adhesive would be perfect, he thought, and Fry then started developing the notes using Silver’s adhesive for 3M.

Using Silver’s adhesive, Fry was able to produce reliable and reusable sticky notes, but it became quickly apparent that these sticky papers had much more potential than just bookmarks.

The Color Yellow

Yet, still, one more accident would help shape the future of the Post-it Note. When Fry and his team began developing the product, they could only find yellow scraps of paper to experiment with. The signature Post-it Note yellow of today can be traced back to this “accident.”

After developing the product, 3M released the Post-it Note during a 1977 test run in four cities in the United States. At the time, they were called “Press ’n Peel” notes, and sales were discouraging. Eventually, 3M decided to pull them off the shelves.

The Launch of the Post-it Note

However, in 1979, 3M re-marketed the Press ‘n Peel notes as Post-it Notes. To re-launch the product, 3M gave free samples to offices throughout the Boise, Idaho Metro Area. It was a huge success as more than 90 percent of offices that received a free sample re-ordered them!

And the rest, as they say, is history. 3M released Post-it Notes nationally in 1980, and expanded distribution into Canada and Europe the following year. Since then, Post-it Notes have become a nearly universally-known office supply item, and today, 3M produces and sells more than 50 billion individual notes per year.

QUESTION:

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I’m not sure if this is an issue but it does bother me a lot. I find it hard to connect with my wife due to the fact that she is very quiet and doesn’t speak much. She was always quiet and reserved, but it never really bothered me until recently. Baruch Hashem, we don’t fight but I would  still appreciate some advice on how I can connect with someone who doesn’t speak much.

R’ Ali’s Response:

I would like to start with something that Rabbi Shimon Gruen mentions often. If something bothers you, then it’s not trivial. Which means that we all have certain things that bother us and certain things that we’re okay with. What one considers unbearable, someone else may not even notice. Some people can’t handle a messy house while others could care less. The point is, if it bothers you, then you should address it. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is a problem, but you’re entitled to ask and search for a solution.

It’s also important for people to know that the person that they married is the same person that they are seeing now, months or years later. You mention that your wife was always quiet. Not to be cynical, but she is who you married. People should know who they’re marrying and accept who they are. Don’t expect someone to change who they are, or even worse, to try to change them. Of course, it goes without saying, unacceptable behavior should be corrected or at least acknowledged.

You mention that you don’t fight. That’s not a small thing in the slightest. It’s the literal definition of shalom bayit,a peaceful home. Unfortunately, there are many people who cannot say the same and pray so hard to be able to say those magic words, “We don’t fight.” Of course, we should always be striving for more and that’s wonderful when people want to better their relationship. It’s important to put things into perspective and realize what is actually going on. Many people equate shalom bayit with, “where I’d like my relationship to be.” Which means, if it’s not where I’d like it to be, my shalom bayit  isn’t great. I don’t believe this is true. As I mentioned, shalom bayit means peace in the home. Two people that respect each other, don’t fight, and communicate on a basic level definitely seems peaceful to me.

One more idea before I attempt to answer your question is that you mention this didn’t bother you until recently. I don’t know how long you’re married, but it’s definitely worthwhile to think about why this didn’t bother you when you got married and why “ all of a sudden” this started to bother you. It could be that you have more on your mind and need to talk things out. If that’s the case, you should acknowledge that it’s not your wife’s shy nature and maybe find a friend or family member to speak to more at length. This is just one idea and I could be way off on the reason I am giving you. My point is to give you food for thought and maybe you can identify yourself why all of a sudden this bothers you.

How do you connect with someone when they don’t talk much? Of course, there are people who talk less and are shy by nature, but I have noticed that even shy people can be very talkative. Most people open up and speak a lot when they are in their comfort zone. Some people need to be very relaxed or very comfortable with the person that they are talking to. Others need to be in the right setting. I know many people who open up when they go for a walk or out to eat. There are also many people who have a lot to say but get interrupted often which gives them the cue to just not speak at all.

As I mention often, we should never forget the importance of praying to Hashem and asking Him for assistance, no matter how small we may think our issues are.