Tzipporah Gindi

The Hebrew month of Adar is here and joy is in the air. As the festive holiday of Purim approaches, preparation is in order. It’s time to prepare mishloahmanot baskets for friends and family, set aside money for matanotl’evyonim, get some costumes for the big and little ones alike, and make a menu for the beautiful Purim seudah. And when Purim finally comes around, be sure to remember what a holy and exceptional day it truly is, so we can grab this once-a-year amazing opportunity for prayer and inspiration.  

MISHLOAH MANOT 

In the weeks preceding Purim, Jews across the globe become occupied with preparing mishloahmanot baskets, bags or boxes in order to fulfill the mitzvah of giving “gifts” to at least one other person on Purim day.

Before you begin preparing your mishloah manot, make a list of all family members, friends, neighbors, and colleagues that you would like to give to on Purim. Then go to the nearest dollar store and buy enough baskets, bags, or boxes, and at least two foods to include. And don’t forget to make colorful labels with your family name so your recipients know the mishloah manot is from you and your bunch.

The purpose of giving mishloahmanot is to fulfill the mitzvah and to strengthen the warm bonds of camaraderie among Jews. So there is no need to spend an inordinate amount of time or money on your mishloahmanot. If you are the creative type, or your kids really enjoy coming up with themes and putting together bags, then shop and stuff to your heart’s delight. But before you overdo it, remember that two items and a nice presentation for at least one person is all that is required.  

GIFTS TO THE POOR 

While we are running around giving mishloahmanot to our neighbors and relatives, it is imperative not to forget those who are in need. So if you are approached by a poor person on Purim, give as much as you can, with a warm smile and an outstretched hand. Involve your children in this special mitzvah of giving money to the poor on Purim day. 

HIDDEN BEHIND THE MASK 

We dress up on Purim to symbolize the fact that Hashem, in His infinite kindness, orchestrated the salvation of the Jewish people under the guise of nature, as events that appeared coincidental were, in fact, specifically arranged and caused by our Father in Heaven.  

Children love to wear costumes. You can go to any party store or Purim store to choose from an adorable and colorful selection of policeman, firefighter, clown, or bumblebee gear. To really bring the Purim story to life, dress your children up as people mentioned in the Megillah, from Queen Esther to Mordechai. Adults can wear colorful hats, scarves or a fun necklace to get in the spirit. 

SEUDAT PURIM

It is advisable to prepare the menu and begin cooking for the Purim seudah (feast) in advance, so you can enjoy Purim day and take advantage of all the special opportunities it has to offer. 

The Purim feast is unlike any other in the Jewish year. In addition to delicious food and wine, the meal is characterized by its fun and happy atmosphere – horns tooting, silly antics, and grown men singing and dancing together for hours on end.

The seudah is one of the most central aspects of Purim day, during which we celebrate the deliverance of the Jewish nation from the hands of the evil Haman. So this year, spend some time planning this pivotal event with a concoction of key ingredients that will make it an experience to remember.

DINING ROOM DÉCOR

Transform your dining room from the everyday table surrounded by chairs into a themed wonderland that will enhance the Purim festivities. You can dress the table in complementary colors. Blue and gold work when aiming for a majestic feel, while black and white are perfect for a fresh, modern look.

The usual floral centerpieces are a beautiful and comfortable focal point. For a refreshing and Purim-like change, opt for candy filled glass vases (jelly beans or taffies work well!). Be sure to set the table well in advance, so you are free to enjoy Purim day, and fulfill your mishloah manot and Megillah obligations.

If you really want to get into the spirit and tap into your creative facilities, you can match your children’s costumes to the seudah theme. If you turn your dining room into a royal palace, your children might be thrilled to dress up as Queen Esther or Mordechai.

WELCOME ALL!

An open-door policy is the norm on Purim. Dancing yeshiva boys, friends bearing mishloah manot, and grandparents coming to see how adorable the kids look are likely to be behind that ringing doorbell over the course of the day. With each guest who walks through your front door, the natural Syrian-mom inclination to offer a seat and food to eat may grow ever stronger. Since you don’t know when or how many people will stop in, it is a good idea to have a few extra chairs and a spare assortment of kibbeh handy for the throngs of celebrants that might be flocking to your home.

DRINK RESPONSIBLY

One or two bottles of wine are a necessary part of the Purim feast. Decide between sweet, dry, or bubbly, based on what will best complement your meal. Just a note of caution: wine will be on the table as it is appropriate to drink on Purim (within limits), but be careful to drink responsibly and keep all liquor away from youngsters. And, of course, never, never let any of your guests drive home if he or she has drunk alcohol. Even – or especially – on Purim, safety must be our highest priority to ensure that the day is exactly what it is supposed to be – happy, joyous, and festive.

POWER OF A PURIM PRAYER 

Purim is one of the holiest days of the year, and thus the opportunity for prayer on Purim is incredibly powerful. Purim gets extremely hectic, so it takes concentrated effort to make some private time for an audience with Hashem. Set aside as much time as you can for sincere, heartfelt prayer. Also, Ta’anit Ester is a powerful day for prayer. There is so much to beseech Hashem for. Pray for health, peace, safety, and the coming of Mashiah in a peaceful and joyous way.  

May the Jewish nation be worthy of beholding miracles in our times, just as we witnessed during the times of Mordechai and Ester, amen. 

After visiting her doctor, Nancy phoned her rabbi with her lab results still clutched in her hand. “Rabbi, the doctor says I have high blood sugar, a high cholesterol level, high blood pressure, and that I need to completely change how I eat and start walking more. But my husband keeps telling me, ‘Don’t worry so much! Hakol b’yedei Shamayim – everything is in Hashem’s hands.’ Rabbi, is my husband right? Should I just have faith and not worry about all these changes?”

In Your Hands

The Gemara (Ketubot 30a) teaches: “Everything is in the hands of Heaven except tzinnim u’fachim – cold and heat.” Rashi clarifies: illnesses caused by negligence are not decreed from Heaven but stem from human carelessness. The Ritva expands this to all preventable harms – be it reckless behavior or an unhealthy lifestyle. Hashem entrusted us with life. To protect it is to honor the Giver of that life.

Health Is Not Optional

Judaism does not view health as a personal lifestyle preference or a secondary concern. Judaism sees caring for one’s health as a Torah obligation, because one’s state of health directly impacts one’s ability to live and perform mitzvot and hesed. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 17b) lists the ten amenities a Torah scholar must have, including not only a beit knesset but also a physician. The Rambam codifies this into halacha (Hilchot De’ot 4). Yad Ramah adds that a person is obligated to pursue healing so that he may serve Hashem. He cites the verse, “Only guard yourself and guard your soul greatly” (Devarim 4:9), as a direct commandment to safeguard health.

The Rambam explains: “Maintaining a healthy and whole body is among the ways of serving Hashem… for one cannot understand or know anything of the Creator when sick or in pain” (Hilchot De’ot 4:1).

The Sefer Hachinuch codifies this as a mitzvah: Since keeping the body in a healthy, strong condition is a part of the service of Hashem… a person must distance himself from anything destructive and conduct himself in ways that preserve his body (Mitzvah 546).

Health, then, is not a luxury. It is a prerequisite for mitzvah performance. It is part of avodat Hashem.

Metabolic Syndrome

Today, one of the greatest health challenges facing society is metabolic syndrome – a dangerous cluster of conditions including high blood pressure, elevated blood sugar, excess abdominal fat, and abnormal cholesterol levels. This syndrome dramatically increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes.

And yet, the medical consensus is clear: these risks are largely preventable through changes in diet, physical activity, and weight management. Walking every day, reducing sugar and sodium intake, sleeping adequately – these simple habits have life-saving potential.

From a Torah perspective, this is not merely advice – it is an obligation. If Hashem has given us the means to prevent harm, and we ignore them, we have failed in our duty to guard the soul He has placed within us.

Even for those who are busy and don’t have time for major changes, small, consistent improvements – like walking whenever possible or skipping junk food – can make a significant difference.

The Ruling of Hacham Ovadia Yosef

Hacham Ovadia Yosef, zt”l, addresses Nancy’s question in Yabia Omer (Vol. 4, Choshen Mishpat §6): “If a sick person sits idly and does not engage in medical care, he will ultimately die from that illness – even if, at the time he became ill, no such decree of death had been issued upon him. These matters are obvious, and none will deny them except one who lacks understanding.” He teaches that refraining from medical treatment is not an act of faith – it is an act of recklessness. According to halacha, seeking appropriate medical care is not merely permitted, it is an obligation. One who ignores natural means of healing, expecting miraculous salvation alone, may bring upon himself harm that was never decreed from Heaven.

Conclusion

From a Torah perspective, Nancy’s situation falls directly under the principle of tzinnim u’fachim – preventable dangers. Her health outcomes are consequences of choices within her control. This is not merely good advice – it is fulfilling the mitzvah of v’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoteichem, “and you shall guard your lives exceedingly” (Devarim 4:15). The Rambam codifies this as practical law: one must avoid anything that damages the body and cultivate practices that promote health (Hilchot De’ot 4:1). Hakol b’yedei Shamayim? Yes – but some things, Hashem places in our hands.

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer, and author on Medical Halacha. He heads the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is ‘Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, email [email protected].

Pnina Souid

The Mitzvah Man relayed a story recently that is just one example of the special siyata d’Shmaya he and his hundreds of volunteers experience on a regular basis.

The Mitzvah Man picked up the hotline one day to find a nearly hysterical woman named Annie at the other end of the line. She was crying so hard it was difficult to understand her.

He patiently helped her to calm down and reassured her that, with Hashem’s help, he would be able to help her.

A Wedding in Danger

After a few long moments Annie told her story. Her daughter’s wedding date was only two weeks away. Annie and her husband have done everything they could to save up for a modest affair, but they were hit very hard financially by the pandemic. The caterer is demanding $5,000 right away or he will cancel. He will not accept late payment. Annie was terrified that this dreamed-of wedding may be cancelled.

“First, don’t worry,” the Mitzvah Man said. “Hashem protects the hatan and kallah. The wedding will not be cancelled. How much you need to reach $5,000?”

Annie burst into tears again. “We had so many other expenses. We don’t even have anything left to pay the caterer $5,000.I think he means it when he says he will cancel the wedding.” ”

The Mitzvah told Annie not to worry. Although $5,000 was not a small sum, he would do his best. He went on to ask what else they needed.

Annie hesitated. She hated to ask for more, but they were in desperate need of a disc jockey. They were not asking for a band or even one musician. But the kalla had dreamed of a lively wedding since she was a little girl, and even a DJ was beyond their means.

The Mitzvah Man assured Annie that he and his team would do their best, so her daughter could have the lively wedding she was hoping for and deserved.

As the Mitzvah Man hung up the phone he put in a prayer, and asked Hashem to help him to get Annie to get everything she needed. He has learned from years of hesed work that one always needs Divine Providence, and the more emunah and bitachon he has, the more Hashem provides.

Side by Side Miracles

The day after Annie called, one of the Mitzvah Man’s business clients called. “I just made a fantastic real estate deal. The ma’aser from the deal is $5,000. I want to give it to help make a wedding for a needy bride.”

The Mitzvah Man was stunned. He told Jerry about Annie’s call. She needed exactly $5,000 for the caterer.

Jerry, repeated that this money must go only to help make a wedding for a needy bride.

“Jerry,” the Mitzvah Man said, “I just got the call yesterday. You will be doing a phenomenal mitzvah. You are not just giving tzedaka. You are fulfilling the mitzvah of being m’samayach hatan v’ kallah! This brings you tremendous merit. And, honestly, I am in awe of Hashem, because He responded to the tears of the kallah’s mother and pulled all the strings.”

Jerry gave the Mitzvah Man the address of his office in Brighton Beach, Brooklyn and told him to come the next day for the check.

After speaking with Jerry, the Mitzvah Man called Annie to tell her that the $5,000 was on its way. She was speechless. Then, she thanked the Mitzvah Man profusely. She was embarrassed to ask for more, but in a quiet voice she enquired about the DJ. He told her that was not yet arranged, but he had not forgotten.

The next day the Mitzvah Man went to Jerry’s office, which was located on the second floor. After collecting the check from Jerry, the Mitzvah Man noticed an entertainment center on the first floor. He didn’t pay much attention to it, and left the building. On his way to the car he heard someone calling him. “Are you Mike Cohen from Mitzvah Man?” the fellow asked. The Mitzvah Man responded affirmatively.

The man told him that he recognized him and wanted to offer his DJ services free of charge for any needy bride’s wedding.

The Mitzvah Man stopped in his tracks. What a beautiful exhibit of Divine Intervention – “two for one!” Annie was overwhelmed with gratitude, to the Mitzvah Man, the donors, and especially to Hashem.

Jewish institutions are like New York City roadways – they require regular, ongoing maintenance.

As you’ve probably guessed, the word “maintenance” in the previous sentence is an elegant way of saying “money…”

Fundraising is an integral part of any shul, school, or hesed organization. It is the oxygen of Jewish communal life, the only way our institutions can run effectively – or run at all, for that matter.

This month, we read about the first fundraiser in Jewish history – the call for donations for the construction of the Mishkan. As Beneh Yisrael encamped at Mount Sinai, they were commanded to construct a mobile sanctuary that would serve as the site of offering korbanot (sacrifices), and as the site of Gd’s residence, until the permanent Mikdash would be built in Jerusalem. The Mishkan was an exquisite structure, and required a great deal of funding – acacia wood, gold, silver, copper, and even precious stones to be embroidered on the special garments of the kohen gadol. So Gd instructed Moshe to make an appeal, asking the people to donate.

The people responded generously – so much so, in fact, that Moshe announced that they should stop bringing materials. We may reliably assume that this is the only time in Jewish history that prospective donors were told to stop giving…

Let us carefully examine the way Gd formulated this first fundraiser, in order to learn about the Torah’s approach to giving – which is not only a cornerstone of Jewish communal life, but also a cornerstone of Jewish values and spirituality.

The Birds on the Roof

Gd instructed Moshe to command the people “veyikhu li terumah” – which literally means, “that they should take for Me a donation.” Significantly, the act of donating is referred to in the Torah with the term veyikhu – “taking.” Because from a Torah perspective, giving charity is actually “taking.” When we give, we benefit far more than we sacrifice.

Any material assets we own are not necessarily secure. Money can be lost, stolen, misused, misappropriated, or confiscated. There are many unfortunate but true stories of people who went to bed wealthy and woke up poor. Natural disasters, Heaven forbid, can destroy buildings and everything in them. None of our material blessings are assured to remain intact and in our possession for another day. But the goodness we perform with our material blessings can never be taken away from us. It is the most secure and profitable investment possible. Every penny we spend to help the needy, to help our fellow Jews here or around the world, to support Torah and Torah observance – is put away into our eternal account. With every donation we make, we lose a little money but gain eternal blessings and rewards.

The Ben Ish Hai (Rav Yosef Haim of Baghdad, 1833-1909) once taught this concept by way of an amusing analogy, posing the following question: If ten birds are sitting on a roof, and someone shoots two of them, how many birds are left on the roof?

The instinctive answer, of course, is that eight birds are left. But this is wrong.

The right answer is that two birds are left on the roof – the two dead birds, because the other eight fly away as soon as the first shot is fired…

The same is true of money. The assets that one “kills,” that he gives away to charity, are, ironically, the only assets that remain with him forever. All the rest is prone to “fly away,” to be lost as a result of unforeseen circumstances and events beyond his control. Only the money that we give is the money that stays with us for all time.

Charity as a Two-Way Street

This month we also read Parashat Mishpatim, which speaks of the precious mitzvah of lending to people in need. The Torah states, “Im kesef talveh et ami, et he’ani imach – If you lend money to my nation, to the poor who is with you…” (Shemot 22:24). The verse proceeds to forbid applying pressure to a debtor if it is known that he cannot yet repay the loan, and charging interest. Of particular relevance to us in this context, however, is the phrase “et he’ani imach.” While this phrase is commonly translated as, “the poor who is with you,” some suggested reading the word “imach” (“with you”) as referring to the money which one lends to his struggling fellow, despite the risk of it never being returned. The Torah says about this money, “imach” – it is “with you,” forever.

From a pure business perspective, lending to a person who is unemployed and already in debt, drowning in bills he can’t pay, is a terrible idea. But from the Torah’s perspective, not only is this not a bad idea – it is the best investment a person could make. Its dividends are incalculable, and are distributed for all eternity, in this world and the next.

This concept is alluded to also in another section we read this month – the section of Shekalim, which tells of the half-shekel tax (mahatzit hashekel) that each individual was required to give toward the Bet Hamikdash. The announcement to send in the funds would be made at the beginning of the month of Adar, and so, in commemoration, we read this section on the Shabbat preceding the first of Adar.

The Torah commands, “Venatenu” – that each person should “give” this amount to the Temple treasury. It has been noted that this word (spelled vav, nun, tav, nun, vav) is a palindrome – meaning, it can be read both backward and forward (like the English words “racecar” and “radar”). This teaches that giving is a two-way street. The donor gives but also receives – and, in fact, he receives far more than the amount he gives.

Giving to a Person of Prominence

Lest one think that this is just a nice, feel-good idea devised by rabbis as a clever, manipulative fundraising strategy, this concept actually finds halachic expression.

A man and woman become halachically betrothed through the man’s giving the woman an object of value for the purpose of betrothal. As we know, this is commonly done under the huppah when the groom puts a ring on the bride’s finger after declaring, “You are hereby betrothed to me with this ring…” It is through the bride’s receiving an object of value from the groom with the intention of becoming betrothed that the betrothal takes effect. This is what creates the first stage of the marital bond, which is then completed through nisu’in, the precise definition of which lies beyond the scope of our discussion here.

In order for kiddusin (betrothal) to take effect, the groom must give something to the bride; if the bride gives an object to value to the groom, even for the stated purpose of kiddushin, this has no halachic effect. (This is why, as an aside, when the bride wishes to give the groom a ring, I instruct her to do so later, after the huppah ceremony, in order to make it perfectly clear that it is only the groom’s handing her a ring that effectuates the betrothal.) Notably, however, the Gemara makes one fascinating exception to this rule. If the groom is an adam hashuv – a prominent, distinguished individual, then he can betroth the bride by receiving a gift from her. When we present a gift to a prestigious person, and that person accepts it, we receive honor. We derive far more benefit from our gift to a dignitary than he receives from it. Therefore, when a woman presents a gift to a man of distinction for the purpose of betrothal, this constitutes a halachically legitimate and effective act of kiddushin, and the couple is betrothed.

While this halachah is never actually put into practice, given the technical difficulty in defining the term “adam hashuv” and determining the specific credentials to qualify as a “prominent person” in this regard – it should reshape the way we think about charity.

Returning to the parashah, Gd commands, “veyikhu li terumah” – we should bring donations “to Me.” Gd is emphasizing the immense privilege of tzedakah, that we are given the opportunity to present a gift to Him, who is, of course, infinitely greater than the most “prominent” human being. Every time we give money to our fellow who is struggling, every time we make a donation to a religious institution or hesed organization, we are giving a gift to the Almighty Himself – and so we are the ones who are receiving, not the person or institution receiving the funds.

Giving as a Religious Calling

Commenting on these words – “veyikhu li terumah” – Rashi writes that the word “li” implies “lishmi,” that the donations should be made for the sake of Gd.

Much has been written about Rashi’s intent in writing these words, but for our purposes, it suffices to note that he depicts giving as a spiritual act, something we do not just for the recipient, but as part of our devoted service of Gd.

Of course, giving fulfills a mitzvah irrespective of one’s intent. In fact, the Gemara teaches that if a person has a hole in his pocket, and money falls and is discovered by a pauper who uses it to feed his family, the person who lost the money is credited with a mitzvah. Supporting an institution by participating in a Chinese auction is a wonderful mitzvah even if one buys tickets in the hope of winning the prizes. Nevertheless, we should aspire to give “lishmi,” as a religious calling. We should give not with ulterior motives, and not even out of compassion – but rather because we are here in this world to give, not to take; to contribute, not to indulge; to serve others, not to demand things from them.

In short, we should not simply give generously – but we should see this as part of the very purpose for which Hashem brought us here, and make our lives about contributing to the world around us.

As in the case of the Mishkan – the first Jewish institution in history – giving is what creates holiness, and what makes us worthy of the divine presence in our midst. It is not only about compassion, and not about experiencing the gratification of giving – but about living for the sake of serving Hashem and connecting with Him through our selflessness.

QUESTION: 

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I hear so much about communication, and how it’s the key to a successful marriage. I completely understand that and I try to communicate with my husband. The problem is that most of the time he either shuts down or gets defensive. It seems like he is not capable of having a conversation. Does this mean that I have lost that tool of communication and have to accept it?

R’ Ali’s Response: 

I mention this often, but it’s worth repeating. It’s wonderful when people reach out for help. Most people will try to wing it or accept something that should not or does not need to be accepted. I commend you for reaching out.

I’d like to elaborate on the topic of communication before I give you some practical advice. You mention that a lot of marriage talk is focused on communication. There are many reasons for this. Number one, talking to your spouse is a way to connect. Whether it is expressing how you feel about them or is about a situation, or apologizing for hurtful words (please take this one seriously), communication is crucial for connecting to your spouse. Second, there are many things that need to be discussed.

Topics might concern your children, schools, parents, in-laws, finances, vacations, tuition – the list goes on and on. These things need to be discussed. In addition to the issues being important, many times the husband and wife have differing opinions. Interestingly, many people feel that they will just do things the way they like and their spouse should just go along. This is a mistake. There is so much to talk about, and dismissing addressing issues with, “I’m not good at communication,” is unhealthy and unproductive. 

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that many people have a hard time communicating. However, I also understand that many people have anger issues. Often anger issues are addressed while lack of communication is not. Obviously, the comparison is a bit extreme. However, both issues can be harmful to a relationship and need to be addressed.

Many people tell me that they do not communicate well, and they would like some advice on how to communicate better. I have a few ideas that work most of the time.

Number one, if you have a more shy, reserved nature, let your spouse know that. Tell them that you realize you are not so great at communicating but you are trying. If there is anything that can make communicating easier for you, let your spouse know. Some people talk better while on a walk, on the phone, or through texting. I know couples who communicate through email!

Whatever it takes to get the ball rolling, try it.

Number two, it is very likely that you do know how to communicate, however, you are very sensitive (or just human). And when your spouse approaches you with emotions, you become fearful of how they will react (due to the many past reactions). Let them know this: “I want to communicate more. But I need to be able to speak freely.”

Lastly, try to set times for important discussions. Many people are very easygoing and abhor serious conversations. If you have time for serious conversations, it can feel like just another chore that you need to do for the relationship and or for the family.

Getting back to your original question, what can you do with a spouse who has a hard time communicating? You can speak to a third party who will be honest with you and try to detect if the problem is rooted in the way you approach your spouse. Maybe you’re too aggressive (unintentionally). There are so many ways to gently approach a topic. Also, as I’ve mentioned, you can set times to speak about important topics. 

And one more thing – many people shut down because conversations go in circles. If this is what’s happening, it makes sense that your spouse has a hard time communicating. My advice would be to think about all of these variables, try to detect if any apply to you, and talk it over with a third party for clarity. 

Miriam Barry

Every child came with instructions? 

Imagine having just given birth, and the nurse brings you your beautiful baby, freshly bathed, sweet smelling and bundled in soft cuddly blanket. Tucked into the corner of the blanket is a small book that says “User Manual.”

Of course this is fiction. 

Each child needs a different manual every year, and sometimes every week!

All stages of childhood are a learning experience for most parents, and as time goes on, we mostly get better at it. School age children can present unique challenges, particularly if they are having difficulty in school. While we can’t offer you a user manual for your child, we can offer you the next best thing and that is the Parent Engagement  Center  – the PEC. The PEC offers parents 2 to 4 months of weekly individual parent coaching to give them the skills and tools to manage  the issues the child may be facing that impact his or her ability to succeed in school.  

This program is free of charge, does not involve any insurance, and is done by phone or Zoom, one-on-one and completely confidential.  

Our counselors are experienced, familiar with our community, and give the parents weekly “homework” to hone the skills they need for successful parenting. Both Moms and Dads are encouraged to participate in the sessions, so that everyone is learning the same tools and at the same pace.  One of the most important facets of this program is that the counselors are well versed in childhood development, which helps parents understand when their child’s behavior is age appropriate and when it isn’t. 

The PEC was created in early 2020 to utilize Title 1 funds – which are earmarked for private schools and Yeshivot.  It was developed in recognition of the concept  that children’s struggles in school could be addressed in the home with direct parent coaching.  At first, only children in schools that had Title 1 were eligible, but the program has expanded to utilize other funding to open it up to all parents of children in our community Yeshivot.  

Parents interested can call Frany at 718 787 1100 ext. 532 to see if they are eligible for this program and to register if they are.  

1. I really didn’t understand why my son was acting the way he was. Once I had a new perspective, it changed the way I reacted.  This in turn, changed his behavior.

2. My daughter was afraid of a lot of things, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I kept trying different things, but none of them worked. My counselor gave me specific tasks and homework to do to help my daughter with her anxiety, which really made a big difference.   
3. I didn’t realize how different my parenting style was from my husband’s. When we both worked with the counselor, we realized that our differences were actually causing the troubling behaviors! Once we got on the same page, things got a lot better.
4. My son did something that really bothered me. I spoke to the counselor about it, and found out that this is pretty normal behavior for a kid his age. Once I stopped freaking out about it, I was able to deal with it calmly and rationally.

Miriam Barry began working for SEARCH in 2001 and became Director in 2006, bringing with her 25 years of teaching experience in community yeshivot. Together with her highly trained staff, Miriam has helped over 5,000 children access services through the New York City Department of Education.

Over the years, she has guided parents through school placement decisions, helped them understand psychological evaluations, and clarified their children’s strengths and challenges. At SEARCH, parents gain a deeper understanding of their child’s learning style and needs, often finding much needed clarity and direction. This empowers families to make informed decisions and better support their children’s success in school.

By Simha Mental Health Series

At SIMHA, our mission has always been to bridge the gap between our community members and the vital mental health support they need. Often, the calls we receive involve the heavy burden of cognitive decline, families struggling to understand why a parent is acting differently, or spouses feeling the weight of a changing relationship. To shed light on this sensitive topic, we recently sat down with Adina Segel, LCSW, the Jewish Community Outreach Social Worker at Caring Kind.

Dementia: More Than Just Memory Loss

One of the most common misconceptions Adina encounters is the confusion between “Dementia” and “Alzheimer’s.”

“Dementia is an umbrella term,” Adina explains. “It’s a syndrome that impacts memory, judgment, and behavior. Alzheimer’s is simply the most common cause of that syndrome.”

During our interview, Adina highlighted that different forms of dementia require different types of understanding:

Vascular Dementia: Often caused by mini-strokes, this form doesn’t always show a straight decline but rather “plateaus” where a person stays stable before another drop.

Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD): This often hits younger individuals (in their 40s or 50s) and presents as drastic personality shifts or language struggles rather than simple forgetfulness.

Taking the Brain Off “Autopilot”

While genetics play a role, Adina is a firm believer in the power of prevention. “We want to take the brain off autopilot,” she says. Her advice is practical and accessible:

Physical and Dietary Health: Adopting a Mediterranean diet and maintaining daily movement are foundational.

Cognitive Novelty: Challenge your brain by doing everyday tasks differently. Brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand, take a new route home, or change your watch to military time.

Social Connection: For our community, staying active in shul or local social groups is not just a mitzvah, it is essential brain health. Social isolation is one of the leading contributors to rapid decline.

The Heart of Caregiving: Validation Over Logic

Perhaps the most moving part of our conversation centered on the “ambiguous loss” caregivers feel, the grief of losing the person you knew while they are still physically present.

Adina teaches a “gold standard” approach for when a loved one becomes paranoid or confused. If a parent insists a caregiver has stolen their wallet, for example, Adina advises against arguing with logic. Instead, use validation and redirection.

“Validate the feeling,” Adina suggests. “Say, ‘It must be so upsetting to lose your wallet. I would be upset, too.’ Then, redirect them. Say, ‘Let’s look for it together,’ and then pivot to a different activity like looking at old photos or having a cup of tea.”

A Resource for Our Community

At SIMHA, we know that mental health is a family affair. Caring Kind provides a 24-hour helpline and support groups tailored specifically for the Orthodox and broader Jewish community.

“We don’t want people to come to us only when they are in crisis,” Adina says. “Whether you are looking for preventative tips or are in the thick of caregiving, there is support available.”

As we continue to navigate these challenges together, remember that knowledge is the first step toward compassion. We are grateful to Adina Segal for her expertise and her dedication to the well-being of our community.

If you or a loved one are seeking mental health support or a referral, contact SIMHA at (718) 675-3000. For specific dementia-related support, reach out to the Caring Kind helpline at (646) 744-2900.