Victor Cohen

Our traditions in large part define our community. Many of us are named after our grandparents, giving us a link to past generations. When our community first arrived in the United States, we focused on staying close to each other and to keeping our beloved traditions alive. We treasured our pizmonimand our different customs. Our community was well-known for how connected we were to our past and how we worked together to keep from assimilating.

Over the past century, we have largely avoided being consumed by the culture around us, popular culture has still seeped through, in ways large and small. We follow sports, listen to popular music, and participate in popular American activities. This is not all bad. However, unfortunately, being distracted by the culture outside of our own has meant that over time, our own songs and customs have started to become forgotten. Few people in our community now wake up for Bakashot, like those attend the Ades Synagogue in Jerusalem.

Certainly, our traditions have been completely abandoned. In large part, the younger generation is bringing them back, studying the songs of our ancestors and reviving them. Someone leading the charge is the prominent community hazzan, Ikey Levy. He has been a hazzan for over ten years and has been the hazzan for the Eatontown Synagogue for the last four years. Let’s listen to some of Ikey’s insights into the world of our heritage with traditional music and how it is making a comeback today.

Building a Connection to Our Heritage Through Hazzanut

Ikey has always had a great voice, but he did not always sing. Here’s how he got his start. Ikey’s father liked singing the song Habibi at the Shabbat table with Ikey’s older brother Aaron, who was eleven when Ikey was five. One Friday night, Aaron, who also has a great voice, was not around. So, Ikey’s father called him over to sing, and was astonished by what he could do.

Ikey’s father taught him the basic pizmonim and took him to various sebets on Shabbat so that he could hear how others sang. “He’d take me to two sebets a day sometimes just to hear them,” Ikey reminisced.

Then Ikey’s training really went to another level. “When I studied in Israel,” he said, “I went to study by Moshe Habusha with a group of five other boys. Habusha is one of the top hazzanim in the world.” Ikey studied there for nine months, and Habusha gave Ikey a strong foundation in hazzanut, from which he could expand.

Inhazzanut,there are certain musical scales called ma’amat. They start and end on certain notes, and when training to become a hazzan, you learn how to sing many of them.

One can incorporate his own creativity when it comes to when and how the ma’amat are used within a passage. “Sometimes when you listen to the music or have instructions from another hazzan, you have instructions on how to infuse one maqam with more personality,” Ikey said.

He explained that the key for an aspiring hazzan is to listen to Middle Eastern music, which will help you expand your options. In a way, it is similar to learning to play chess. You can study by learning all of the different openings, or studying different patterns, but there is something special that comes with watching a true master perform. The same goes for hazzanut, and the more a hazzan listens, the more he can become inspired in his own songs to try out different methods. It is a highly creative, fulfilling pursuit with lifelong learning.

Educating the Community

Ikey taught pizmonim in YDE for five years, then taught keriah and pizmonim in Hillel Yeshiva for two years. Currently he tutors privately, and also tries to help encourage knowledge of our community’s traditions. To that end, he began a community minhagim WhatsApp chat, which is not dedicated only to hazzanut. In the chat he informs members about traditions from Aleppo, Damascus, Lebanon, Jerusalem, and Egypt. “Things get mixed up,” Ikey said, adding that “we just want to know where each custom originates from.”

Certain customs we follow today were not always done universally. “In Halab, they did not stand for Alenu Leshabeah.” Everywhere else in the Middle East, they stood.

“Aleppo used to be unique in that way.” Ikey said he knows one elder who, following this custom, still sits during Alenu! “I’m not saying that we all start changing what we do, but to me it is fascinating to see where certain customs originate from. In Syria, some didn’t have the custom to bow at all for Barechu, others did a small bow based on the Ben Ish Hai’s opinion, but in Egypt they stood up and bowed.”

The Weakening of Our Customs

There was a certain beauty to the old customs, accompanied by a level of devotion and a sense of community that is not easy to capture in words. Ikey described how he used to go to Bakashot when he lived in Brooklyn. “In my time in Brooklyn, I’d wake up Shabbat mornings 6am for Bakashot by Rabbi Mansour’s old Knis. Between 6:30 and 7:45, every Shabbat morning, Menachem Mustaki, Mordechai Salem, and Haim Eliyahu, were all there.” When Moshe Habusha, Ikey’s teacher from Israel, came in, the whole room filled up.

“It was very electric in the building,” Ikey reminisced. “It warms my heart when we do those things, because people forget what our community did in the old days in the Lower East Side and in Bensonhurst where they’d sing Bakashot in people’s houses.

“Unfortunately the greater part of Bakashot, most of our community has forgotten,” Ikey said. But pointed out how parts of Bakashot live on in other forms, such as songs, for example: Ki Eshmera Shabbat and Yom Zeh Shiru Lae-l were originally from Bakashot. Today, the Bakashot still are heard early Shabbat mornings at Rabbi Mansour’s new Knis.

Ikey recalled howsebets used to run, “lead by the hazzan, the crowd would sing pizmonim well into the afternoon with the Hacham speaking words of Torah either before or in between. Today, however, there’s more emphasis on speeches from friends and family members along with other genres of songs being sung with much less of our pizmonim in focus. Again, I’m just pointing out the change.”

The New Revival of Our Customs

In an interesting twist, though, this decline is beginning to reverse itself where it was least expected. It is the younger generation that has begun to revive the old music. While some of the melodies are a little archaic, there are many that are still being sung today. “There are nineteen-year-olds singing in Arabic today,” Ikey said. While much of the decline was due to the overwhelming popular culture, we are starting to see a certain yearning for what came before. “If you look at Shaare Zion today,” Ikey said,“the younger crowd is reviving the old ways within the community. That is happening.Our job is to keep it going for as long as possible.”

Ikey pointed to a positive development. “The hazzan David Shiro is putting out albums of new songs, taking our old songs and putting new packaging to them. If people hear it, they might be inspired to hear more.”

Hopefully, the revival of our community’s old ways continues to grow from here. We have the unique ability to look both back to our history and forward to our future at the same time. Informed and enriched by the traditions, songs, and ways of our past, we can strive towards the future, holding close to what makes us special.

Hazzan Ikey Levy performs professionally at weddings and special occasions.  Please contact him at 347-715-0350. He can also be found on Instagram @hazzan_ikey and on YouTube at youtube.com/@IkeyLevy.

Machla Abramovitz

Sometimes, fairy tales do come true.  Such was the case with the Shore Area Mikveh, which was in drastic need of repair and was revived and transformed into a magnificent palace imbued with serenity and kedusha, as befitting the unique mitzvah it embodies. 

The women taking advantage of this newly renovated space, in turn, step into a wonderland of luxury and comfort and, during their short stay, feel themselves equally transformed into royalty.

From Dream to Reality

It was a project that, once begun, incurred the blessings of shamayim, hastening its speedy completion under extremely challenging conditions and with the skillful hands of a highly talented and dedicated team of professionals:  a creative community fundraiser, a uniquely-gifted designer, highly experienced builders who all accomplished the impossible, all united in their goal of elevating this mitzvah onto a higher plane and completing the project on schedule.

It was also a credit to its Rabbinic council – Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, Rabbi Shlomo Diamond, Rabbi Moshe Malka, Rabbi Saul J. Kassin, and Rabbi Edmond Nahum, who provided spiritual guidance and, when given the option between a much nicer but more costly décor, looked the other way and approved the more expensive choice in keeping with the commandment of beautifying a mitzvah.

The Heart of the Community

However, it was largely due to the efforts of Eddie Mizrahi, who stepped up in every possible way to make this project financially viable.  As president, Eddie took on the responsibility of fundraising and established a new mikveh committee with Maurice Zekaria as vice president and Edgar Cohen as treasurer.

“We have the most generous and special community on the face of the earth,” says Maurice Zekaria.  “Without their financial support, we could not have gotten the project off the ground, whether it was the donor money or those that helped with short-term loans.   What other community could do that?”

Today, when one enters the newly renovated stucco edifice, one encounters a waiting room wallpapered with large haiku flowers and branches, blush colored, as well as a cascade of plaster flowers.  Arches connect additional spaces that bear additional memorials, including a breathtaking matriarch wall, the inspiration of Eddie Mizrahi, and dedicated by Jack A. Kassin.

The Matriarch Wall was built in memory of Mrs. Mazal Kassin, the wife of Chief Rabbi Jacob Kassin, zt”l, who built the community by setting its religious standards.  Fifteen preparation rooms, including a magnificent bridal suite and four pools, branch out from the reception and waiting areas.  All rooms are painted a soft cream and creamy white; they flow harmoniously into one another, their newness glistening, producing an aura of luxury and serenity.  During the summer, when the town of Deal is overflowing with summer residents, this community mikveh accommodates over eighty women nightly, a number that has been steadily growing.

Mikveh manager Elyse Kairey still cannot believe her eyes.  Having served the mikveh for 25 years, she never thought she would see the day when the community mikveh she loved and dedicated her life to so generously would physically reflect the splendor of the mitzvah it embodies.

Under the spiritual guidance and care of Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, this mikveh accommodates a broad spectrum of women from all walks of life.  Elyse and her team of beautiful, hard-working, committed women work diligently to make every attendee feel as comfortable as possible.  As the community’s mother mikveh, it accommodates special times, many out-of-towners and kallah teachers from different states who, she says, “are looking for a serene, easy-going place for their brides, a place that will provide them with the TLC they need and a time to pray.”

The Need for Renewal

Only three years ago, the mikveh’s future didn’t seem as promising.   Humidity and inadequate air circulation had left their marks since its previous renovation 16 years ago:  tiles fell off the walls, telephones stopped working, and water compressors that control the water filtration system broke down often, at considerable expense to the mikveh.   It was hard to keep up with the mikveh’s rapid deterioration.

Elyse recalls the day when yet another compressor broke, and Rabbi Choueka gave the go-ahead to move forward with a significant renovation. 

Divine Inspiration

It was in 2022, during a conversation with Debra Shiloach, that Elyse mentioned the need for a renovation and Debra, as a talented interior designer, volunteered to undertake the project.  Debra was no novice when it came to designing mikvaot.  She has worked on a small mikveh in Ocean City, Maryland, dedicated in memory of her mother-in-law, Molly Shiloach.  She has also worked under the guidance of interior designer, Abie Jerome, who designed the renowned Carroll Street Mikvah in Crown Heights, which was a major inspiration for her.  “That mikveh took what a mikveh could be to another level; it enabled women to have a different kind of experience,” Debra recalls.

Inspired and anxious to start, she began researching her sources.  She hit upon a haiku-patterned wallpaper that deeply moved her and proved to be the inspiration for the entire décor.

Rising to the Challenge

Unfortunately, it would not be until two years later, when Maurice Zekaria offered to take over the reins of the project, that matters came to a head.  Maurice, who has left his mark on many significant buildings and structures in Deal was also eager to get started. For him, it was yet another opportunity to give back to the community. 

This project, though, proved incredibly challenging in many ways.  “It was clear that we would have to gut the entire interior, which meant that the mikveh would be closed to the public for nearly six months – from January 2024 till the end of June 2024 – when the mikveh was desperately needed to accommodate the influx of summer residents in Deal.  “We had no choice,” explained Maurice Zekaria.

The possibility of keeping some parts open while closing off others was impossible – doing so, they said, would not resolve the air circulation problems that were primarily responsible for the rapid corrosion of the mikveh. 

Another challenge was that, unlike new construction, there were no building plans to follow.  “We had no time to make plans.  The builders, therefore, determined the plans on the job while the subcontractors were working.  This job was my toughest project yet.  Fortunately, we had an amazing team all around.”

“The biggest challenge, though, was that we had to do this quickly, yet we didn’t have a dollar in the bank to meet the budget.  We had to fundraise and borrow money from a handful of us.  We also had to do whatever we could to pay the contractors and subcontractors swiftly before even having a fundraising event.  So, we often met on-site with donors.  No doubt, Hashem was watching over us,” he says.

Despite these formidable challenges, they rolled up their sleeves and got started. 

Maurice brought in contractor, Richie Benedict, whose company Ray Builders, located in Lakewood, was responsible for building many prestigious buildings in the area. “Timing restraints didn’t allow us to do this job normally, so we often had dozens of contractors working in very tight corners simultaneously,” said Maurice.

“All of the tradesmen were religious Jewish businessmen,” Debra recalls, who worked closely with Maurice and Ray Builders.  “Every person was yirat shamayim.  They forged onward, united in their goal of opening this building for the women coming for the summer.  It was beautiful to see everyone working so cohesively.”

Community Support

Eddie Mizrahi, renowned for his community work and creativity, ran full steam ahead to raise the funds. He started off working with graphic designer Stacey Gindi to produce a professional, gorgeous brochure citing the mikveh’s history and including rabbinical endorsements.

Park Avenue Synagogue’s Rabbi Shmuel Choueka reminded the community, “how important a mikveh is to a community, surpassing many, if not most, other institutions. I urge all those who can participate in this magnificent mitzvah opportunity to do so, and may you all be blessed with success from your own families.” 

Rabbi Joey Haber emphasized, “There are a few things that every Jewish community needs to survive.  With them, you have a community; without them, you have no continuity.  One of those things is a mikveh.  The mikveh, like a shul, and a yeshivah, allows our traditions to endure. We live in a time where our homes are prettier, our cars are nicer, and our vacations are more beautiful.  How can our mikvaot not meet that same standard?”

Rabbi Shlomo Diamond also encouraged donors to give generously.  “All who help in this holy project are doing a tremendous mitzvah and will not only help support the renovation of the mikveh but bring untold beracha to themselves and their family and realize the blessings of the Torah,” he explained.

Eddie Mizrahi undertook organizing a gorgeous gala event to benefit the mikveh. He dedicated endless hours and worked diligently to ensure the success of the event. Working closely with party planner Norma Cohen, Stacey Gindi, Debra Shiloach, Ellen Sutton, and other volunteers, Eddie held a memorable event at Ely and Rena Cohen’s home last Memorial Day weekend.  Community rabbis spoke about the significance of completing this project.  They also honored the mikveh’s founders Ike Hidary, Sonny Laniado, and Manny Haber, while Rabbi Diamond presented them each with an award.

Eddie, along with Joe Mansour, produced a beautiful, inspiring video for the event. 

“With Hashem’s help, we raised the necessary funds,” Eddie says.

Meanwhile, Elyse and her group of mikveh ladies held down the fort.  They accommodated their regular women and others by teaming up with a small local mikveh.  “We spread the word that we would be closed for a few months; we took phone calls and sent the women to small local mikvaot.  We juggled.  We coordinated.  We didn’t put down the phone for six months.”

The Miracle of Completion

Elyse believes that the reopening of the mikveh at the end of June was nothing short of a miracle.  “The dedication of Eddie Mizrahi, Maurice Zekaria, Debra Shiloach, Richie, Baruch, and Eli Benedict, went way beyond,” she says.

It’s an endeavor, she believes, that is greatly appreciated by the community at large, especially the women using the mikveh, who express their appreciation on comment cards, thanking them with words written from the heart.

Looking Forward

Eddie Mizrahi, though, is not yet finished!  He is determined to raise another million, half of which will go towards finishing off the building and the other half towards the budget.  But it’s not the money that motivates him.  He’s put his heart and soul into this holy endeavor. His next project is to produce an all-women’s video (women speaking to women) to promote women going to the mikveh.

“This mikveh is like a spa.  It’s beautiful.  Since its opening, women who had never connected to their religion started coming.  I believe we created a nice buzz.  We made going to the mikveh cool,” he says.

The next event will be a Breakfast & Celebration in honor of community matriarch, Cookie Chera. It will be held in May at the beautiful home of Lisa and Lee Cohen, who, along with the Setton family, have generously sponsored the name of the campus. There are many sponsorships opportunities available ranging from the Bridal Mikveh Pool to the dressing rooms and mezuzot. For more information, please contact Eddie Mizrahi at (347) 260-0745.  “We built nothing short of a palace and wish to publicize this accomplishment to all women.”

Don’t Fool Yourself!

Suppression is a psychological mechanism that refers to the deliberate effort to consciously avoid or inhibit thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. It is a form of self-control that allows individuals to regulate their thoughts and emotions, so they can align with their goals, values, and social norms. From a psychological perspective, suppression is often seen as a coping strategy that can help individuals maintain mental balance, especially in the face of stressful or challenging circumstances.

The Impact of Psychological Suppression

Suppression has been the subject of much research and has been found to be an effective, but also a limited, form of self-control. While suppression makes it easier to navigate challenging situations, it can also have negative consequences, as it requires a significant amount of mental effort and can result in feelings of psychological distress, especially when used over an extended period. Research has shown that repeated suppression can result in emotional exhaustion, and that the energy required for suppression is taken from other cognitive resources, resulting in decreased performance on tasks that require attention and memory.

One study that investigated the impact of suppression on emotions, “The Cognitive Control of Emotion” by James J. Gross, published in the Annual Review of Psychology in 1998, analyzed the effects of emotion regulation strategies, including suppression, on emotional experience and physiological responses. The research found that suppressing emotions did not lead to the elimination of the emotional experience, but instead led to an increase in physiological arousal, which subsequently fostered an increase in psychological distress. Furthermore, suppression was associated with decreased cognitive control and increased negative feelings.

Developing Better Strategies

This highlights the importance of understanding the mechanisms behind emotion regulation, and the need to develop more adaptive strategies for managing emotions. This study and others like it have contributed to our understanding of the impact of suppression on emotions and have helped to inform the development of more effective emotion regulation techniques.

Suppression is also to be avoided when it comes to working on our middot and avodat Hashem. We must acknowledge the negative feelings we have and not suppress them. But acknowledging these negative feelings must be sincere.

 Lesson from Rav Wolbe

There’s a difference between what Rav Wolbe calls a “frum Kriat Shema,” which means just closing our eyes and thinking of all of the high and holy things, and saying Kriat Shema in a real and sincere way. Rav Wolbe discusses how easy it is to fool ourselves, to close our eyes and pray aloud with a lot of kavanah. To imagine walking in joy to die al kiddush Hashem, but having no idea what’s going on inside of ourselves.

Our job is to be sincere and serious and realize what’s going on inside of ourselves. Kabbalat ol Malchut Shamayim means that our ears won’t listen to devarim assurim, our mouths won’t speak devarim assurim or eat prohibited foods or do so l’shem taavah, and so on and so forth. In Rav Wolbe’s words, “If you really know yourself, you’re going to realize all these forces are not agreeing to kabbalat ol Malchut Shamayim.”

TAKEAWAY:

Look at yourself honestly and ask yourself: What am I REALLY willing to give up for the sake of Hashem?

Special Election for NY’s 22nd Senate District Set for May 20^th

by Joey C Saban and Sari J Setton

In a historic move, Sam Sutton, one of the Sephardic community’s respected leaders and long-time advocate, has officially launched his campaign for New York State Senate in the 22nd District, seeking to fill the seat vacated by Senator Simcha Felder. The special election will take place on Tuesday, May 20th, and could mark a monumental moment: the first time a member of the Sephardic community would serve in the New York State Senate.

Sutton’s candidacy is more than a political run – it is a powerful statement about representation, community empowerment, and a long-overdue voice for a growing and vibrant constituency. As Sutton put it in his announcement, “Given our community’s growth and needs, we deserve a representative who is deeply rooted in our community and understands its dynamics.”

A Proven Civic and Communal Leader

A lifelong Brooklyn resident, Sam Sutton’s decades of leadership and advocacy stretch across civic, educational, and humanitarian spheres. He served over 30 years on the board of Sephardic Bikur Holim (SBH), including five years as President, helping grow the organization into a multidivisional social service center.

Sam also co-founded and is the President of the Sephardic Community Federation (SCF), the political and public policy arm of the Sephardic Jewish community, and has played a central role in securing government resources and legislative support for key community needs.

His resume also includes supporting his wife Nancy when she founded the New York Cancer Center. He also was a founding board member of the SAFE Foundation. Sam also was privileged to serve as a Trustee at NYU Langone Hospital. 

An Advocate for Education and Jewish Continuity

Education has long been at the heart of Sutton’s public work. Sam was chairman of the education committee at the Sephardic High School and shortly after chaired their fundraising committee as well. A graduate of Yeshiva of Flatbush (67’) and Yeshiva University (71’), he was nominated as a Trustee to CUNY Board of  Trustees by Governor Pataki and served from 2006 to 2012. During his tenure Sam helped hire the Presidents of Brooklyn and City College. He is also the co-founder and current chairman of Teach NYS, an organization committed to securing government support for non-public schools. 

In 1973, Sutton ,along with four other young men, founded the Sephardic Torah Learning Center, which was eventually brought over to Shaare Zion by former President David Cohen.

Sam along with a few other community leaders, including Harry Adjmi, relaunched Ozar Hatorah NY in 2017, helping transfer over 3,200 children in France from public schools into yeshivot -a bold, international effort in Jewish continuity and education.

 A Humanitarian with Global Impact

While his civic accomplishments are impressive, Sam and Nancy are equally admired for their quiet, personal acts of compassion. Sam and Nancy were likely the first Sephardic family to become foster parents, after going through a 3-month training program. They opened their home to 14 foster children, including one with special needs who lived with them for 18 months and became like a sixth child. 

In 2005, in partnership with American Jewish World Service, Sam led a humanitarian mission to Senegal to launch a development project focused on clean water access and sustainable agriculture. Earlier in his life, in 1973, Sutton took part in a mission facilitated by the Nativ Division of the Mossad to the Soviet Union, countering false propaganda against Israel as well as facilitating individual efforts to escape the USSR. 

A Moderate Voice at a Critical Time

If elected, Sutton would bring a much-needed moderate voiceto the State Senate – someone capable of bridging divides and working pragmatically on behalf of all constituents. In a political climate often defined by polarization, Sutton’s balanced, solutions-oriented approach would bring stability, clarity, and credibility to Albany.

Sutton’s top legislative priorities reflect both local concerns and core Jewish values. Among other community priorities, he is committed to:

• Fighting anti-Semitism with zero tolerance, protecting Jewish students and institutions across New York.

• Unwavering support for Israel, ensuring state partnerships and moral backing for the Jewish state.

• Delivering increased funding to critical institutions like SBH, The Sephardic Community Center, SAFE, and the community’s Yeshivahs, ensuring they continue to thrive and serve all generations.

• Funding (not defunding) the Police and fighting against the current Bail Reform

A Community Milestone

For the Sephardic community in particular, Sam Sutton’s campaign represents more than a candidacy – it’s a chance to make history. After decades of growth, contribution, and community-building, the opportunity to elect one of our own to such a high level of state government sends a clear message: our voice matters.

“I believe it’s time for me to contribute directly from within government,” Sutton said. “We’ve come so far as a community – this is our moment to take the next step.” As May 20th approaches, the momentum behind Sutton’s campaign is growing, fueled by grassroots support and the recognition that this is a once-in-a-generation opportunity to secure representation that truly reflects the community’s values, heritage, and future aspirations.

Mozelle Forman

My husband asked me what I had planned for the day.  This was my answer: “I am preparing the documents for my mom’s tax return, then taking her to the grocery store.  After, I will be cooking with my daughter for Pesach and then babysitting for her two-year-old while she takes the other children to the dentist.  Then, I will drive home, meet with two clients, prepare dinner, and write an article for Community Magazine.”  The world around me labels me as part of the “sandwich generation.”  Me, I call myself “exhausted.”

I am not alone.  According to statistics, 54 percent of adults in the United States are considered the “caught in the middle” generation, caring for their children while also caring for their parents – whether financially, physically, or emotionally.  My peers, who are also caring for grandchildren, are considered the “club sandwich” generation as we have multi-levels of responsibility.

Juggling and Emotional Overload

We are truly a blessed community where the term “sandwich generation” is a way of life.  Walk into any house during any of our haggim, or many houses in Deal in the summer, to find three or four generations cohabiting. This is how we all live, with no need for fancy names or titles.  We are mothers and daughters, sisters and friends, always.  We nurture and take care of our family.  And we’re stressed out. This does not negate our gratitude that our loved ones are close by and that we get to share our time with them.  Caring for our family is a fact of our life that we cherish and need support to navigate.  So much so, that I was asked to run a support group for my sandwich cohorts as caring for our elderly parents adds an extra layer of gratefulness and stress. 

When asked about the roles we play, we can tick off the many chores we perform, as I did for my husband.  What we often can’t articulate is the invisible labor that goes into caregiving – the emotional load we carry that often goes unnoticed and is undervalued, even by ourselves. 

Carrying the emotional load of a family refers to the unseen effort of remembering and thinking through solutions before anyone else even realizes there’s a problem. For instance, the simple act of having to remember to pay Mom’s bills and schedule her doctor’s appointment and to buy balloons for your granddaughter’s Humash play, takes emotional energy.  Keeping track of which pantry items are running low, what needs replenishing and mentally planning for the next grocery trip requires us to be fully in the moment and the future simultaneously like when we plan our sedermenu while listening to the megillah.

Even if we’re not directly handling every task, the cognitive load means we’re still the one overseeing, recalling, and anticipating needs. Think of it as maintaining a mental to-do list of ongoing projects and deadlines in your mind – all day, every day.  This type of mental labor, this constant state of “being on top of things,”demands significant mental space because you feel that you’re never truly “off duty.”  Having to care for your parents in addition to your own family adds more to your mental load, which can lead to chronic stress.

Antidotes

The antidote to this emotional overload is to delegate some of the tasks on your mental to-do list.  Even family members who live far away can pitch in financially, call to schedule doctor appointments, and regularly check in on a parent by phone. Keep the lines of communication open with your family with regular family meetings.  Discuss concerns anyone is having about your parents and have everyone commit to tasks that are needed.  Expect that it may not be done exactly as you would have done it and move on. 

Another antidote to emotional overload is expressed in this motto:  Loving others requires knowing how to say “yes.” Loving yourself requires knowing when to say “no.”

We have perfected the first half of this life lesson.  We are conditioned to say yes, to offer a helping hand, and to volunteer for myriad causes.  In order to succeed at “loving ourselves,” we need to develop the skills and the language necessary to sometimes say “no” comfortably and without guilt.  Many of us have a negative visceral reaction when we would like to say no.  So, exploring the myths surrounding the word “no” is beneficial.

ValidReasons to Say, “No”

No, it is not mean to say “no.”It’s a struggle to say no if you feel guilty or obligated. This might happen when a request comes from a loved one you don’t want to disappoint. Even if someone important to you is the one asking a favor, it doesn’t mean your time and energy aren’t valuable. Saying, “I’m afraid I’m not available today” is perfectly acceptable – whether it’s your daughter asking you to babysit or your mom asking you to take her to the salon. 

No, it is not selfish to take some time for oneself and delegate responsibilities to someone else.Taking care of yourself, while taking care of everyone else, can feel overwhelming. The best thing you can do for yourself and those you care for is to take care of your own needs. Because this can feel impossible at times, put on the calendar what you’re doing for yourself, and then plan work and caregiving around that.  That means giving yourself permission to block out time for whatever gives you joy – whether it’s going to the gym, meeting with a friend, or going to a book group. If you don’t make your health and well-being a priority and something happens to you, who will take care of everyone else? 

“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain or justify your decision unless you feel comfortable doing so.  It’s polite to give a brief explanation of why you are saying “no.”  This can help soften your answer and help the person understand why you decline.  You can politely say, “Unfortunately, I have too much to do today.  I can help another time.” This shows both your commitment to your own schedule and your willingness to help.

A Mix of Feelings and Emotions

As we care for our aging loved ones, we experience numerous emotions.  There is often anxiety about the future, how to best care for parents, and the potential financial strain of providing care. And regardless of how much we do, we may feel guilty about not being able to do more for our parents and simultaneously guilty about the impact our busy-ness is having on our husbands and children.  Let the guilt go!  It doesn’t serve anyone.

Frustration and anger can arise from the challenges of caregiving, the feeling of being unable to fulfill parental expectations, or even from the parent’s own reluctance to accept help. So many of my friends have complained that their parent does not take their advice or suggestions. 

Parents Pushing Back

One friend shared, “When I proposed to my mom that she attend a program at DSN, she wasn’t interested – she said there were too many old people there!”  Another friend expressed frustration that her mother would never go to the doctor.  “She has these aches and pains but refuses to be seen and if we finally convince her to go, she doesn’t follow the doctor’s directions or take the medication he prescribed.” 

It’s hard dealing with a parent who suddenly reminds us of a recalcitrant child who won’t abide by the rules.  Here is where finesse is required; Mom or Dad have to be brought to the decision with respect and patience.  Give them time to get used to an idea, especially one that further limits their independence, like when it is time for them to stop driving.  They are silently grieving all the losses they are encountering as they age – the loss of friends or spouses, the diminishment of their sight, hearing, and mobility and their necessary, sometimes uncomfortable, reliance on their children.  They may understandably be irritable, sad, or depressed; they don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

Watching parents decline in health and become dependent can be a source of deep sadness for us as well. We are grieving the loss of our vibrant parents whom we have depended on.  One client shared: “Gone are my larger-than-life figures, the couple who have been married for 61 years and built their own business from the ground up. Now I have two elderly loved ones who need me to take care of them.”

Help Parents to Feel in Control

We see them diminish in health, the ability to care of themselves, and to engage in their previous lifestyle and social interactions.  And yet, they are our parents so we must help them preserve whatever independence they currently enjoy and not make decisions for them without their input.  It’s important that we help our parents to feel they are still in control of their lives.

For more insights and support come to the workshop sponsored by  Shaare Tefilah (The Eatontown Synagogue) in Eatontown, NJ,  on May 8^th at 11am.

Medications on Shabbat

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas

“Rabbi, what should I do?” Michelle asked with a concerned look on her face. “I heard it’s forbidden to take medication on Shabbat, but I suffer from terrible migraines and I take blood pressure medication daily. Can I take those medications on Shabbat? And what about Ronnie when he has heartburn?”

Rabbinic Prohibition on Medication

It is generally rabbinically prohibited to take medication or engage in healing on Shabbat unless one is bedridden (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 328:1). This prohibition stems from a decree by the Hachamim, who were concerned that people might grind herbs to make medicine, which would be a violation of an issur d’oraita (Gezerat Shehikat Samemanim, Shabbat 53b).

However, this prohibition only applies to someone with a meichush – a minor ailment that causes mild discomfort but does not incapacitate. Medication may be administered if one is a choleh she’ein bo sakana (an ill person not in danger of death).

When Medication Is Permitted

A choleh she’ein bo sakana is someone who is bedridden or incapacitated, for example, someone suffering from influenza, a serious headache, or stomachache, etc., that prevents them from functioning normally. In such cases, they are permitted to take medication on Shabbat. Hacham Ovadia, zt”l, goes further and rules that in these situations, one should not be stringent and should take the medication to relieve the illness, as there is a mitzvah to experience oneg Shabbat – joy and happiness on Shabbat (Halichot Olam, Vol. 4, p. 163).

The permissibility of taking medication on Shabbat depends on the category or severity of the illness:

Choleh She’yesh Bo Sakana – Life-Threatening Illness: In cases of danger or acute illness, such as a severe allergic reaction, serious heart issues, or diabetes, the use of necessary medication is unequivocally permitted and even required. Additionally, in situations involving chronic conditions, like hypertension, where regular medication is necessary to maintain health, it is permitted to take medication on Shabbat forpikuach nefesh, in order to prevent sakanat haim – a danger to life.

Choleh She’ein Bo Sakana – Non-Life-Threatening Illness: This refers to someone who is incapacitated or bedridden (nafal lemishkav), where the entire body feels weak or painful, such as in cases of influenza, a severe headache, or stomachache. Although not life-threatening, such an individual is permitted to take medication as they cannot function normally. This is true even if someone is a safek choleh she’ein bo sakana. In other words, taking medicine is permitted when one is in doubt and it is difficult to evaluate the category of illness (Hazon Ovadya, Shabbat).

Meichush Be’alma – Minor Ailments: These are minor conditions that cause mild discomfort but do not prevent someone from functioning normally. For example, a person suffering from cold symptoms or heartburn typically falls into this category. These conditions are not severe enough to justify taking medication on Shabbat. On one hand, delaying medication would not cause harm; on the other hand, there is a concern of Gezerat Shehikat Samemanim, as mentioned earlier. Therefore, the prohibition remains in place for minor ailments. However, leniency may be applied if there is a risk of the condition worsening to a category of choleh she’ein bo sakana (ibid).

Conclusion

Although heartburn is unpleasant for Ronnie, it does not usually qualify as a serious illness and is categorized as meichush be’alma unless it is a more serious condition that incapacitates him. Therefore, it is forbidden to treat heartburn on Shabbat, as it falls under the general prohibition of performing refuah (healing) for mild ailments.

However, Sandra’s condition is different. She is classified as a choleh she’ein bo sakana, as she suffers from migraines and is a choleh she’yesh bo sakana for severe hypertension. Even if these conditions are not life-threatening, she should take her medication on Shabbat.

Next month’s column will deal with exceptions when other forms of medications can be taken on Shabbat.

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer and author on Medical Halacha. He heads the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, email rabbi@torathabayit.com.