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Sailing Relationships with R’ Ali

QUESTION:

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I would like to say my marriage has been good, but the truth is that it’s been anything but good. My husband is a great guy but he is extremely overbearing. He checks my phone calls and emails and interrogates me about my conversations. I have told him multiple times to stop, but he says we’re married and we are supposed to share everything. My question is, are we supposed to share everything?

R’ Ali’s Response:

There are many facets to this question. It is important to note that this situation is common and applies to both women and men.. I will address the topic first and then get back to your question. I must clarify first that if both husband and wife look through each other’s phone freely and there’s a mutual understanding that this is okay, then, for the most part it is fine. I am addressing this specific scenario where one of the two is not pleased with this behavior.

The famous Rabbi Shimon Gruen’s recipe for a strong healthy marriage is called the “mine, yours, and ours” concept. When it comes to decision making in a marriage, things can innocently get confusing and even frustrating. Before marriage, we made our own decisions as to where we go, what we eat, where we live, etc. Once we get married, many of our decisions will affect our spouse indirectly. If they do not like our clothes, for example, then they will be uncomfortable with our choice. If one wants to live in New York and one wants to live in New Jersey, only one party will get what they want. These decisions can be tricky and can be the source of much frustration. So, whose decision is it? People will come into a marriage with different ideas and philosophies of “who calls the shots,” based on upbringing or ideas they have heard.

First, there is the “mine” area. That is the area that directly affects you. Those are the decisions that usually make up who you are as an individual – what clothes you wear, what foods you eat, who your friends are, etc. These decisions belong to you alone. Your spouse should not be dictating how you operate. Of course, each spouse’s decisions and behaviors should be in the realm of what is considered acceptable and normal. To wear a clown suit all day is abnormal and your spouse has a right to tell you that this is unacceptable. It does get tricky, so as a rule of

thumb I tell people in order to determine what is normal is usually something that is a matter of preference. To be clear, this “mine” concept is a healthy way of living, to be your natural self so long as you are not harming anyone else.

The next part is the “yours,” which is the exact opposite of the “mine.” This is allowing your spouse to make decisions that pertain directly to themselves.

The third part is the “ours.” This is a shared area that pertains directly to both parties – where to live, where to send the kids to school, having children, etc.

In this area, both husband and wife have a say and should equally be involved in these decisions. This entire concept may sound mechanical and even confusing, but it is at the core of much marital friction.

There is another element to the “mine” and “yours” and that is privacy. Many people have a hard time with this, but each spouse is entitled to a certain amount of privacy. Not every conversation with everyone must or even should be shared. This does not mean we should hide things from our spouse. It means that everyone has a right to a certain amount of privacy. This does get tricky and is advisable to consult a professional with any questions.

Getting back to your questions, cell phones belong to their owners. There are many private conversations with family members or friends that are not meant for anyone else’s ears or eyes. A wife will hear from her sister that she is pregnant and should not tell anyone. A husband who sees this conversation without permission is breaching her privacy. In short, everyone should respect their spouse’s request not to look through their phone. If you have any questions, just ask! Communication is healthier than snooping around. If you have a specific situation that needs resolving, consult with your rabbi or a professional.

Tips for Traveling with Small Children

Frieda Schweky

This month, I thought it would be helpful if I asked around for tips on traveling with children. Normally when I introduce a topic, I include the names of the community members who have contributed their ideas or thoughts. However, this time I got a bunch of small tips from a lot of people. So, I didn’t list everyone by name, but instead I organized all the suggestions into helpful categories. Enjoy!

You’re about to spend a ton of hard-earned cash on a trip for your family. Here are some tips to hopefully help things go smoothly.

Ziplock Bags and/or Packing Cubes

When it comes to traveling with a number of children for a longer trip, planning ahead of time and using a simple tool like zip-top bags can make all the difference. For each child, prepare appropriate-sized Ziplock bags with each outfit for each day, and label with a marker what the outfits are intended for to save time once you get to your destination.

For example, prepare a Ziplock bag labeled “Sarah: Monday, Daytime.” In your Ziplock have everything your child might need to wear that day, like a beach dress and bathing suit. Also make an additional bag for nighttime activities. I labeled mine Sarah: Monday, Night.

Pack all toiletries in zip-top bags to avoid spilling mishaps. If Ziplock bags aren’t your thing, you can get packing cubes, either plain ones or even ones that come marked with the days of the week! This is a great option because they are reusable. To be super-efficient, get each family member their own color packing cube so it’s simple to tell the difference!

Bring Cheap Toys

When traveling with young children, it is extremely important to pack quiet toys that will keep them busy on a long flight. Head to a dollar store and pick up a few things you think might hold their attention.

You may be thinking, “I already have great toys.” That’s exactly the point. Leave your great toys at home. The things that you bring with you on your trip should be things you’d be comfortable with losing. Also, since the toys are new to the child they will most likely keep them busy longer.

You have enough to worry about with your kids. You don’t need to be babysitting toys.

Some ideas for travel toys are drawing tablets, the kind that cost $5 on Amazon, or about $8 for a two-pack. Their sole purpose is to doodle and erase. They’re zero mess. Just make sure to get one that has a tether so the pen can’t get lost! Playdough with a couple of molds can keep a kiddo busy for a while. Also, don’t forget to pack headphones!

Bring Medication

Tylenol or Motrin is important to bring with you on a flight/trip with young children. You never know whose ears will be sensitive to air pressure changes. FeverAll contains Acetaminophen, the same kind of pain reliever and fever reducer as in Tylenol, but it comes in suppository form. So this could be another option for babies who refuse liquid medicine, especially when you’re not looking for a fight on a plane. They are safe for babies and toddlers. Suppositories really come in handy as they are dry and small, ideal for carry-on purposes, and they work faster than liquid. These are also key to avoiding a red sticky mess. FeverAll is sold over-the-counter and can be found in most pharmacies next to the children’s pain relievers. In general, FeverAll is a great option for young children who are disgusted by the taste of medicine.

What to Pack in Your Carry-On

When traveling with a child under the age of one, it’s safest to pack changes of clothing in your carry-on. You should pack a couple of outfits for your child and one for yourself in case an accident happens on you as well.

Pack double the amount of diapers in your carry-on that you think you need for the flight. You never know if your flight will be delayed or how long it will take to check in and your carry-on may be your only baggage for a while. When it comes to baby wipes, pack one package in your carry-on and one in your checked baggage. Any additional wipes you need should be purchased at your destination. Wipes can add extra weight your luggage may not be able to afford.

Even if all of your children have aged out of diapers, pack a few wet wipes in a Ziplock bag to bring on a flight to clean hands and faces.

Snacks, Spill-Proof Cups, and FOOD Are a Must

A variety of healthy snacks should be packed in your carry-on for your children. Try to start off with savory options like pretzels, chips, fruits, and veggies. Only break out the sweets in case of behavioral emergencies or towards the end of the flight. No one wants a hyperactive child on a crowded flight. However, it’s good to know that lollipops can help with popping ears with cabin pressure changes, so you may want to pack a few. If your kids are old enough, gum can help with popping ears, too.

Something cool you can find on Amazon or at Target is mini-tackle boxes you can use for snacks. This was a social media trend that exploded because of its simple brilliance. It’s a flat container with multiple compartments so you can pack a good variety of snacks that will also help kids stay busy and satisfied on long flights. Best part: hand it over to your kids once and you’re done! They won’t have to bother you for snacks every few minutes.

Additionally, for children four and under, an empty spill-proof cup should be packed. When the flight attendant hands out beverages, you can pour whatever juice of choice into a spill proof cup and not have to think about it or assist the child further.

Also, I’m sure everyone knows this by now but just in case – BRING FOOD. Lots of real food. Travel days are stressful enough. Don’t add finding kosher food on the go to the list of things to stress about. Sandwiches, extra pita, butter noodles, mini pizzas, deli, cut veggies, hard boiled eggs, and all the portable food you can think of. More is more – you never know if a flight will be delayed. Be prepared!

Pack Blankets

Another must-pack item for your carry-on is a small blanket for each child – something comfortable enough to help the child sleep. A sleeping child is the most ideal when on a flight. Don’t forget pacifiers for babies who need them! Even taking the extra step of ordering child-size eye masks (the comfortable kind that have an indentation where the eyes go) can really save you from the unpredictable lights turning on. Pack one for yourself as well, why not! If the kids are busy enough with all this good stuff you’re packing they may let you snooze!

Additionally, a small stuffed animal can be brought to act as a pillow. Again, nothing sentimental that you wouldn’t want lost or ruined.

iPad or Portable DVD Player

For long flights or for children whose attention aren’t held by toys, bringing some portable electronic entertainment is a must. Make sure to charge devices in advance, pack chargers in your carry-on, and again, pack headphones! Bring headphones with wires so you can plug them into the monitor on the plane if it has one. They usually do! But in case they don’t, you’ll have the DVD player or tablet!

Additionally, you may not have Wi-Fi on the flight, so prepare in advance. Download age-appropriate games and some streaming apps like Netflix that have off-line options. Make sure to have that set up ahead of time for quick and easy on-board streaming.

Make a Spreadsheet

When packing for a whole family for a trip, especially if there are a number of children and especially when you have different events to pack for, it’s so important to stay organized. Google Sheets is completely free, and you can make yourself a detailed spreadsheet. Include the different days and events, what each adult or child needs, by name, and check it off first once you buy the

items in one column and check it off again in a different column once it’s packed. Example: Sunday, beach party, Sarah, bathing suit, dress, fancy sandals, bow.

Guys, this was so fun and actually helpful (to me) so I really hope it’s helpful for you too! A personal tip from me to you is to be sure to make LISTS – the portable kind. Write on your phone whenever you think of a small detail that you think you may forget. Don’t leave it to chance. Write it down and check that list when you’re packing! Don’t check it off until it is packed! Examples of things you could easily forget to pack: Siddur, puddle jumpers, brushes, your favorite hair conditioner… This list is going to be different for everyone! I wish you best of luck in your travels – safe, fun, and successful!

Frieda Schweky

Frieda is an event and portrait photographer. Check Frieda out on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto For photography inquiries or article topic suggestions email her friedaschweky@gmail.com.

Building Dreams Together

Building Through Loss: Finding Purpose in Pain Jack Gindi

Each morning, as the sun rises over the Rockies, I see nature’s reminder: after darkness comes light. This truth is more profound than ever. My family and I face life’s most challenging journey – coping with the loss of my beloved son, Shaun.

Like many who suffer a significant loss, we haunt ourselves with the question: How do we move on when our world has stopped? I have learned the answer is often found in unexpected moments. They are usually found in conversations, communities, and helping others through similar challenges.

The path through grief is not linear. Some days feel impossible, while others offer glimpses of purpose. It becomes clear that deep pain changes us. It nudges us forward to uncover meaning. It lights our direction toward change. In that journey, we begin to piece together a path that is bigger than ourselves.

This morning, I meditated. I reflected on Shaun’s dreams and our work with struggling teens and families. I realized something profound: moving forward does not mean moving on. It means carrying our loved ones’ vision with us.

After years in real estate development, I learned that every structure needs a solid foundation. But building through loss teaches us something different. Sometimes, our most robust foundations are on the most broken ground. When we channel our grief into purpose, remarkable transformations become possible.

I learned this lesson first in 2008 when I lost my real estate portfolio. Every building I had constructed, every deal I had made – gone. Starting over in my fifties seemed impossible. Yet, that experience taught me that true building is not about properties. It is about building lives.

The rebuilding taught me lessons. They helped me develop tools to guide other families facing similar setbacks. My son, Shaun, embodied this spirit of transformation. He struggled with anxiety and depression. Still, he wanted to help other young people find their way. His words guide me: “I want to transform kids’ lives… I want people to experience an accomplishment in a way that they might have thought was beyond them.” He dreamed of showing kids that their struggles do not define them. I’m struck by the irony that I’m only learning of his dream now in his diary.

I am in my office as I write this. The morning light beams through my window. It reminds me that while some dreams end too soon, others are beginning. I invite you to feel your way through your pain and find your new chapter. We can all discover new meanings because of our losses, not despite them.

Remember: We often discover our most meaningful purpose in our darkest moments. The key is to remain open to the possibilities. It may not feel like it in the moment, but your greatest pain can often become your greatest gift to others.

Consider this: What could you build if setbacks were new beginnings, not endings? What meaning could you create from life’s most challenging moments?

Let’s build dreams together, one story at a time.

Update on Proposed Coney Island Casino

Ellen Gellar Kamaras

The ongoing debate around the $3 billion Coney Island casino project, The Coney, recently deepened on both sides. Opponents continue to claim that the casino will only benefit the developers and investors, and will bring many harmful consequences to residents, our children and families, local businesses, and visitors. The Coney’s advocates persistently argue that it will offer necessary economic prospects of new jobs and revitalization, to a neighborhood that has grappled with seasonal ebbs and flows.

There are two important updates.

Demapping Plan

A September 2024 article by Charles Denson, the Executive Director of the nonprofit Coney Island History Project, highlighted that the developers, in their June 27 presentation to the NYC Planning Commission, included a dangerous land-grab demapping plan of epic proportions.

The consortium asked NYC to close and “demap” the three main streets in the amusement zone that connects Surf Avenue to the oceanfront and to transform these critical city streets into “landscaped pedestrian walkways” for the casino and the adjoining hotel’s benefit. These three streets are Stillwell Avenue, West 12th Street, and West 15th.

This plan would jeopardize the safety of the millions who visit Coney Island in the summer to enjoy the free access it offers to the Boardwalk, beach, and ocean, and would destroy the existing businesses encircling the casino complex.

Denson cited the following negative consequences if the city signs off on this plan.

These three streets are currently used as designated fire lanes by ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks. If the plan is approved, emergency access to the Boardwalk,

beach, and amusement park will be a quarter of a mile away. Firefighters will need to pull hoses for long distances to fight a fire and medical staff would push stretchers from gridlocked Surf Avenue to help people on the Boardwalk, beach, or rides. First responders must have these streets as access points to save lives. Cutting vehicular access will lead to increased response time, and the loss of lives.

· Disability parking and wheelchair accessibility to the Boardwalk and beach would be limited in violation of the ADA Accessibility Standards.

· Deliveries to local businesses and amusement parks will be blocked.

· Utility and repair vehicles will not be able to service businesses south of Surf Avenue.

· 160 public parking spaces would be cut and would turn West 12th Street into a short driveway leading to the casino’s private 1,500-car parking garage. Cars entering and exiting the casino garage will cause a bottleneck at the already overcrowded intersection of Surf Avenue and West 12th Street.

· Public School 90 is on West 12th Street, a block north of the proposed casino. When casino traffic gridlock backs up on West 12th Street, it will cause delays for parents dropping off or picking up their kids from school by car.

Denson summarizes his arguments against the demapping plan with a history lesson: “Stillwell Avenue, West 12th Street, and West 15th are vital to the life of the amusement zone and must be kept open. These streets were cut through to the ocean in the 1920s when the beach was still private property. The City built these thoroughfares to provide access for the public to enjoy a free beach and Boardwalk.”

October 2024 Town Hall Meeting

At a packed October town hall meeting led by local activist Ronald Stewart, a diverse group of adversaries of the Coney expressed their fears over the effect of gambling on the community and claimed that a casino would hurt rather than help Coney Island. They voiced concerns about the crime, escalated traffic, and addiction that go along with

casinos. According to Mr. Stewart, this will take value from the people who gamble their money away.” Local business owners maintained that the Coney would harm their livelihoods and drive away customers who travel to Coney Island for its distinctive vibe and entertainment.

Sarah Jenkins, longtime resident and community activist said, “We do not want Coney Island to become a haven for gambling and vice. This is a place where families come to enjoy the beach, the rides, and the unique culture that makes Coney Island so special. A casino has no place here.”

Supporters of the Coney also made their voices heard. Joseph Packer believes that the Coney could keep entertainment spending within Brooklyn. He and his family frequently travel to NJ since Coney Island does not have the facilities that Atlantic City has. Other advocates claim that the Coney will attract visitors and thereby benefit local businesses, raise property values, and create tax revenue for public services.

Coney Island is one of three downstate gambling casino sites in the NYC area for which developers and gaming companies are bidding for licenses. The Gaming Facility Location Board review process, community comment period, study of the impact on the neighborhood, and determination of who is awarded the license, remain scheduled for some time in 2025.

Governor Kathy Hochul was recently criticized after anonymous reports appeared that she would support legislation benefiting Mets owner Steve Cohen for a casino near Queens’ Citi Field.

Although the Brooklyn Chamber of Commerce is in favor of the Coney, Community Board (CB) 13 and most of its underlying four district neighborhood residents, remain opposed to Joseph Sitt’s application for the Coney Project.

While not geographically included in CB 13, the Sephardic Community Federation is firmly opposed to the application for a Coney Island Casino.

SCF has worked tirelessly to preserve the community’s values, protect against addiction risks and economic disruption, and ensure a prosperous and vibrant future for all residents of Southern Brooklyn. SBC took a leading position in encouraging other community organizations to join their fight against the Coney by creating the No Coney Casino Petition and website: https://p2a.co/slDezlj.

What You Can Do

Complete the form on https://p2a.co/slDezlj to help protect our neighborhood by saying “no coney island casino.” Send an email to your officials with one click.

to your input

Contact the officials below to find out who is representing them at the Community Advisory Committee meetings. Communicate your questions and concerns to:

NY State Senator Jessica Scarcella-Spanton, 718-727-9406.

Assemblyman Michael Novakhov (District 45), 718-743-4078.

Local City Council member Justin Brannan (District 47), 718-307-7151.

Brooklyn Borough President Antonio Reynoso, 718-802–3700.

Mayor Eric Adams, 311.

Governor Kathy Hochul, 518-474-8390.

Once Upon A Thyme

Cookies and Cream Hot Cocoa Bombs

Adina Yaakov

This treat has maintained its popularity for good reason. It breaks open in the most captivating way, releasing its contents and instantly creating an extraordinary cup of hot cocoa. Cocoa bombs are a great activity for cold winter nights and make great hostess gifts as well. You will need two half sphere silicone mold trays with six cavities each for this recipe. If you don’t want to purchase molds, you can use paper cupcake liners and add enough melted chocolate to cover the hot chocolate and marshmallows completely.

2 ounces high-quality semi-sweet chocolate bars or chips

14 ounces high quality white chocolate bar or chips

6 tablespoons white hot chocolate mix

1 cup mini marshmallows

12 mini sandwich cookies

6 cups whole or 2% milk

If you can’t find white hot chocolate mix, make your own:

2 cups skim milk powder

½ cup Sugar

½ cup Vanilla sugar

1. Fill 2 pots half-way with water and set over medium-high heat. Place 2 heat-proof glass bowls that fit securely on top of each pot without touching the water. Chop each bar and melt separately in the double boilers. Remove the bowl from the double boiler when melted.

2. Coat the molds with the white chocolate. Drop 1 tablespoon tempered chocolate into each well of the half sphere silicone mold trays. Use a brush to spread the chocolate up the sides and over the edges of the molds by just a bit. Place in the freezer to harden quickly, about 5 minutes.

3. Fill half the spheres with white hot cocoa mix and marshmallows.

4. Wearing gloves, gently release the remaining 6 unfilled shells from their molds, but keep them resting in the well. Use a pastry brush to coat the top of the sphere with chocolate and attach to the marshmallow-filled shell.

5. Let sit at room temperature to harden and set, at least 15 minutes.

6. Drizzle with dark chocolate and add sandwich cookies. Drizzle with white chocolate. Use gloves when decorating or moving the cocoa bombs to prevent fingerprints.

To Serve the Chocolate Bombs:

1. Heat 1 cup milk for each hot chocolate bomb gently on the stovetop or in the microwave for about 2 minutes until very hot, almost to a boil.

2. Pour the hot milk into a large mug and gently add the bomb for the most dramatic explosion.

An Achieved Life – Remembering Zak Mishaan, A”H

Mozelle Forman

In life, we like to be prepared. We like to know what’s coming next and what we can look forward to. This psychological disposition is primarily driven by a desire for control and a belief that by anticipating events we can reduce our anxiety. Also, it is a natural human tendency to think about potential outcomes. Doing so allows us to plan and make informed decisions based on predicted future scenarios. Essentially, knowing what the future will bring can provide a sense of security and allows us to make a plan of action in an uncertain world. When the unexpected happens, we become agitated and anxious. We can be momentarily thrown off our game while we contemplate our actions based on the changed circumstances. And when an unexpected, untimely death occurs, the shock, anxiety, and grief throw us into a tailspin.

The community at large, and the Mishaan family in particular, experienced this phenomenon when Zak, a”h, was suddenly taken from this world on Hol Hamoed Sukkot, just the day before his beloved holidays of Hoshana Raba and Simhat Torah. The disbelief, the question of “how could this be?” was a haunting echo for his family, as they struggled to make sense of something that made no sense. Visitors to the family endeavored to offer consolation, even while knowing that words were hollow and the grief was deep. Yet, as Rabbi Eli Mansour stated at the arayat, “You don’t have to have answers when you have friends. The greatest consolation for the mourners is to be there for them, and cry with them, and hold their hand.”

Community Rabbis’ Words of Consolation

Rabbi Meir Yedid described the sense of disorientation Zak’s family and friends endured with his sudden passing. “We ask ourselves, eichah, how could it be?” as we do in Megilat Eichah, pondering the loss of the Beit Hamikdash. “How could it be that Zak is gone?” In an effort to offer consolation and understanding to his family and friends, Rabbi David Ozeri shared the story of Hanoch who died at the young age of 365 years old, when his contemporaries were living between 800 and 900 years. “The Torah tells us, ‘Hanoch walked with Elokim, and then he was no longer there, because Elokim had taken him.’ No explanation, no preparation. One day he was just gone. In the same way, Zak was taken from us.” We cannot comprehend the why’s of Hashem’s world and Rabbi Mansour confirms that “Gd is supposed to be beyond our comprehension. If I understand every move that my Gd makes then I have demoted Him to human intellect.”

Rabbi Azencot likens Zak’s short but powerful life to the life of our matriarch Sarah. When the Torah recounts her life, it is written, “The life of Sarah was 100 years and 20 years and 7 years; the years of Sarah’s life.” Rashi famously tells us that the repetition of “the years of Sarah’s life” indicates that, while they were not many in number, they were equally good. Rabbi Azencot explained that, like Sarah, all of Zak’s years were good. “He lived his life with a sense of urgency, running to catch every mitzvah. His life was full of achievement with concern for everyone and kavod for the Torah with majesty and dignity. He is a role model to all of us of how to live an achieved life.” Focusing on the achievements of his life can bring an acceptance that he fulfilled his mission in this world assuaging our need to ask why? Rabbi Mansour shared the advice he personally heard Rabbi Amar give to a grieving mother: “You have enough pain in your loss. Don’t pain yourself more in trying to figure it out.”

A True Friend

The short and meaningful life that Zak lived, was the epitome of verse 1:6 in Pirkei Avot, “Make for yourself a Rabbi, acquire for yourself a friend, and judge every person to the side of merit.” Zak’s friends and family overwhelmingly cited his love and respect for the Rabbis and described his yearning for and connection to them. He sought out their counsel, supported their causes, and was proud to know the rabbis and be known by them. Rabbis David Ozeri, Meyer Yedid, and David Sutton considered Zak to be a friend and they shared a close relationship with him. They applauded his successes and were awed by his commitment and devotion to tefillah and hesed. Rabbi Ozeri cites Zak’s delight at being able to donate generously, proactively writing a ma’aser check before he had even earned the money and celebrating with a l’haim, not to his earnings, but to his zechut for giving the money to charity.

Zak acquired many friends in his lifetime – you might say he sought out friendship from many and those he sought felt better for having known him. Ikey Mandalawy, a more recent friend, expressed the sheer comedy of his friendship with Zak given their 20-year age difference and lack of commonality. What was most impressive to Ikey was Zak’s conscientious adherence to the third element of our Mishna – judge your fellow favorably. Zak had on the spur of a moment joined Ikey and a group of men on a short trip to Israel. Ikey recounts a conversation he had with Zak on that trip. “Zak came to me and said, ‘When I first met you, I sized you up and made up my mind the kind of guy you are. But that’s not who you are. You are different than I thought you would be and I apologize for thinking that.’ I was surprised. I would have never known what he thought of me if he hadn’t said anything. But even thinking wrong about me upset him and he had to acknowledge it.” Zak’s inner conscience and his desire to achieve maximum growth motivated him to acknowledge his mistake and to deliver an apology even when not necessary.

A Man of Intense Dedication

Zak’s dedication to Torah, tefilla, hesed, and emet, and his profound respect for the Rabbis comes as no surprise to those who knew him well. Zak’s fierce dedication and loyalty, his enthusiastic energy, were all part of his DNA. He adored his parents, was passionately devoted to his wife and children, and held his friends dear. Every tefilla, said with deep fervor and intent was in the zechut of his children. Rabbi Ozeri witnessed his deep concentration during tefilla and believes that Zak “built a real relationship with Hashem through his prayers.” His children attest to the fact that he was their greatest fan and greatest support. He poured his love into them with his

heart and with his time. His mother, Sally Mishaan, described Zak’s singular ability to “make each person feel uniquely valued…and made them feel that you truly understood their struggle.”

We are told that anything we experience or witness in our life has significance from which we can learn and grow. What is the legacy that we inherit from Zak’s passing at the prime of his life? We can learn much by listening to the thoughts and emotions his children expressed at his arayat. Sally, described as her father’s princess, expressed her gratitude for all the shared times she had with her father and his excitement and encouragement of all her endeavors. Jackie began with words of thanks, as did both of his brothers. “My Dad used to say you can never say thank you enough, so I thank the community and give hakarat hatov to Hashem for creating this amazing community.” Jackie believes that clinging to Torah was the most valuable choice Zak ever made for his family and advises, “never take your parents for granted.” Zak’s son Sam witnessed his father invest in making a mark on people. “Dad,” he said at the arayat, “you believed in me, gave me strength, uplifted me, and built my inner confidence.” Richie summed up his father’s legacy of persistently working on himself and passing Torah values to his family. “It is our time to live as he lived – seize each moment of every day, fear Hashem in all of our doings, love unconditionally, and be relentless for our families.”

Zak’s World View

Rabbi Meyer Yedid observed that Zak lived his life with an intuitive understanding that the world we live in is not permanent. “When one recognizes that the world is temporary it gives you power, it gives you strength, it makes you value life, and the opportunities that life gives us…we start to love people, start to ask what are we responsible for, and we become givers.” Zak looked for the opportunities that would bring him closer to Hashem, he focused on the love he felt for his family and friends. He understood his responsibilities to his community and his avodah and sought out any occasion to become a giver. The length of our life does not determine the impact that we can make on the world. Zak is proof of this. The prerequisite for living a full and fulfilled life is the desire to show up and make a difference. And Zak made a difference in the lives of so many. In a loving tribute to his brother, Saul Mishaan expressed what he believed Zak would have liked to say to his friends and family. “Life is short; use your time wisely. Keep your friends close, draw strength from one another, enjoy your family, and always be grateful.”

These are words of wisdom that can help us to live our fullest, most connected life. May Hashem send comfort to his family, friends, and the entire community. And in the merit of trying to emulate Zak’s approach to life, may his neshama have an aliyah. Amen.

The Poisoned Ivy League

Why Harvard Alum Shabbos Kestenbaum is Suing Harvard for Anti-Semitism

An Exclusive Interview with Shabbos Kestenbaum

DAVE GORDON

Shabbos Kestenbaum has emerged as a prominent Jewish student activist, gaining significant attention for his efforts to combat anti-Semitism on college campuses, particularly at Harvard University.

Kestenbaum ‘s activism took center stage when he became the lead plaintiff in a lawsuit against Harvard University, alleging “pervasive” and systemic anti-Semitism.

Filed in January 2024, the lawsuit claims violations of Title VI of the Civil Rights Act and breach of contract.

According to the plaintiffs, the university has become a “bastion of rampant anti-Jewish hatred and harassment,” where Jewish students have faced intimidation, harassment, and even physical threats. The lawsuit highlights incidents such as pro-Hamas rallies on campus and administrative failures to discipline those responsible for anti-Semitic actions. Kestenbaum himself has recounted facing death threats after speaking out against anti-Semitic acts, including the defacement of posters depicting Israeli hostages.

He found himself on a campus hosting pro-Hamas demonstrations. Some professors reportedly referred to Hamas as “resistance fighters.” Requests for an Israeli flag display were denied by an administration that had previously flown flags for other causes like Ukraine. Kestenbaum also described incidents of

harassment so severe that he had to hire private security and reported instances where Jewish students were singled out or excluded due to their identities.

The case gained significant traction, and on August 6, 2024, U.S. District Judge Richard Stearns ruled that the lawsuit would proceed to trial, rejecting the school’s move to dismiss the case. Stearns criticized the university’s response to anti-Semitism as “indecisive, vacillating, and at times internally contradictory.” He noted that the plaintiffs had plausibly established that Harvard’s actions – or lack thereof – failed to meet Title VI’s requirements.

This first-of-its-kind legal action has positioned Kestenbaum, along with five other plaintiffs, at the forefront of the fight against anti-Semitism in higher education. He graduated from Harvard in June 2024.

The Plaintiffs’ Demands

The lawsuit seeks both monetary damages and systemic changes at Harvard. Plaintiffs demand disciplinary measures against those responsible for anti-Semitic acts, mandatory training on anti-Semitism akin to Title IX training for other forms of discrimination, and divestment from donations tied to anti-Semitic agendas. Kestenbaum has also called for a zero-tolerance policy for anti-Semitism at Harvard.

Harvard has defended its actions, stating that it is committed to combating anti-Semitism and fostering civil dialogue. However, critics argue that its responses have been insufficient. The university’s preliminary recommendations from an anti-Semitism task force earlier this year were met with disappointment from Jewish leaders, who deemed them insufficient.

The lawsuit tests how far universities must go to protect minority students while balancing free speech rights. For Kestenbaum and his co-plaintiffs, the fight is not just legal – it is about ensuring Jewish students can feel safe and respected in academic spaces.

Kestenbaum’s educational background reflects a strong connection to his Jewish heritage and community. He attended Yeshivat Noam in Teaneck, NJ, and later SAR High School in Riverdale, NY, after his family relocated.

At Harvard University, Kestenbaum enrolled in the Master’s in Theological Studies program at Harvard Divinity School. He founded and served as President of the Harvard Divinity School’s Jewish Student Association, and was active in Harvard Hillel and Chabad.

Kestenbaum Takes to the National Stage

Kestenbaum’s advocacy efforts have extended to the national stage. He testified before the Congressional House Education and Workforce Committee about anti-Semitism on campus. He has also spoken at various high-profile events, including the Republican National Convention on July 17, 2024, where he addressed the issue of antisemitism at Harvard. Despite speaking at the RNC, Kestenbaum has described himself as a Democrat who has consistently voted for the party, emphasizing his willingness to speak at both Republican and Democratic events to raise awareness about anti-Semitism.

Kestenbaum’s influence extends beyond political spheres. He has given presentations at non-political venues, including Bnai Yeshurun in Teaneck on July 29, 2024, and Shurat HaDin’s conference in New York in late October. He has been featured in numerous media outlets discussing his experiences and

activism. Recently, he won the Myron Zimmerman Award for Outstanding Student Activism from ZOA.

Community Magazine was granted an exclusive interview with Shabbos Kestenbaum, to discuss his impactful work, and his vision for a future.

CM: What are you doing now that you have graduated from Harvard?

I do lots of speaking engagements. I travel across the country, and we’re trying to build a coalition of young people who are passionate about Jewish identity, whose values are Jewish values. It’s just natural to me in the sense that I was raised to be a proud American and to be a proud Jew. It’s just kind of part of who I am. I am encouraging as many people as possible to do the exact same thing.

CM: If you weren’t doing what you do now, what would you be doing?

Yeah, if this craziness hadn’t happened, I always liked the idea of education. Maybe I would have pursued something in public policy. But primarily, I was really passionate about teaching. I actually taught before, both informal and informal education. But fortune had other plans. I have worked at Salanter Akiba Riverdale Academy in Riverdale, then I was a city director in Westchester’s National Council of Synagogue Youth.

I really enjoyed it. I primarily worked with Jewish teenagers, especially those from unaffiliated or limited backgrounds, trying to expose them to the beauty and the meaning Judaism. So again, I sort of was always doing this. I was always just passionate about it.

CM: What message would you send to major Jewish organizations?

The American Jewish community is blessed to have a plethora of Jewish nonprofits, of Jewish leaders. To me, though, one of the greatest problems that we young American Jews are experiencing is that there does not seem to be a lot of synthesis between those groups.

I’ll give you one quick example that happened this past January. A major CEO of a major Jewish nonprofit, I will not say who, came to Harvard and told us they had an ambitious plan. They’re going to create a national database where all Jewish students should report their incidents to that database, and they’re going to use that database to advocate for policy in Congress. Two weeks later, a CEO of a different major Jewish nonprofit came to Harvard and told us Jewish students, they’re going to create a national database, and all Jewish students should report things to them. And of course, they’ll use the data to advocate for policy.

So, we’re all on the same team. We all advocate more or less for the same things. But it doesn’t seem like the Jewish nonprofits are talking to each other as much as they should be, and the people who get hurt the most by that are, of course, Jewish students – because we bear the brunt of reckless leadership of an anti-Semitic, or indifferent, administration or university, and we really need our leaders to step up, and sometimes they don’t.

CM: What message would you give to Jewish students?

If I can do it, they can do it, too. Because the things that I do, I don’t think are particularly revolutionary or thought provoking. I think they’re pretty obvious. But not enough young people were saying it. Not enough young people at the time were calling out the universities, were calling out their classmates and professors.

Many of us thought the same things, but few were willing to say it out loud. Thankfully, the tide has slowly turned, and more and more North American Jewish students are taking on the mantle of leadership. They’re filing lawsuits. They’re testifying in front of Congress and parliament. They are, on their own initiative, meeting with lawmakers on both sides of the aisle. So, I’ve always been passionate about those things, and I’m incredibly grateful that I have been given a platform to continue to speak about those things.

CM: I understand that you’ve litigated Harvard. Could you expand on that, and where’s it at now?

We filed in mid-January, essentially alleging gross violation of Title VI or the Civil Rights Act. We believe Harvard has totally been flagrant with the violation of their obligations under federal law. Harvard filed a motion to dismiss with prejudice, though they didn’t acknowledge the anti-Semitic environment. They did not apologize. They did not come to the negotiating table. Instead, they asked a judge to not only toss out our lawsuit, but to make it so that no other Jewish student in the future would be able to hold the university accountable. So, we filed an amended complaint in late May, I believe, to reflect the increasing acts of anti-Semitism, and Harvard did the exact same thing. They filed a second motion to dismiss with prejudice, and we are incredibly thankful that in August, the judge, Judge Richard Stearns of the Federal District Court of Massachusetts, tossed out Harvard’s double motions to dismiss, and we’re going to trial.

This is one of the first cases in American history that pertains to the Civil Rights violations of Jews on a college campus, that will actually have gone to trial. So, we will begin a period of depositions, a period of discovery. And Harvard should be nervous, because the facts on our side and they will finally, finally, finally be held accountable for their pervasive and systemic anti-Semitism that they formalized, they accepted and that celebrated. And might I say, aided, abetted, and was an accomplice to.

I will continue to hold them accountable, both in the court of law in the court of public opinion. And I encourage donors, I encourage alumni, I encourage the American Jewish community to follow this story closely.

CM: You were invited to speak at the Republican National Convention. When you got the call, what was that call like?

I remember the call really well, because I was actually driving to the Hamptons. I was driving on the highway, and this woman called me. Her name was Brittany, and said, “We’ve been following your story, and we’re so sorry what you’re experiencing, and we would love it if you would be willing to speak at the Republican National Convention.”

I was so caught off guard by that. I wasn’t able to process. That’s like, a pretty big deal.

I was very clear that I would speak on almost any platform, if it meant that the narratives of Jewish students on college campuses would be heard and would be elevated.

I was also clear publicly, that if the Democrats and the Democratic National Convention wanted me to speak, I would be more than happy to. I’d be happy to connect them with any Jewish student. And they refused to take me up on that offer.

The Republican National Convention, to their credit, allowed me to speak. They allowed me to share my story. I did not endorse Trump at that speech. I was very clear to shy away from the political endorsement. But I give credit to the Republicans and credit to the Republican National Convention. They amplified the voices of Jewish students.

I was doing a walkthrough of my speech with the RNC staff. They sort of told me the logistics and the technical details. It was only after the two-hour walkthrough as I’m about to leave, I turn around and actually said, “You know, I do have one question. Can you promise me that when I give this speech tonight in front of 30,000 people in the arena, and look at President Trump in front of millions of Americans watching at home, can you promise me that the camera shows my kippah?”

This would be the biggest audience I would ever receive that could actually see that in the 21st century, young American Jews not only can and should, but must, must, must be wearing their Jewish pride as loudly, publicly and confidently as ever before.

That moment in my life I will not soon forget. It was incredibly special to be able to represent some of the Jewish students who’ve entrusted me with their stories, and to showcase how I am proudly Jewish. I’m proudly American, and those two are not contradictory.

CM: If you had any advice for President-elect Donald Trump, what would it be?

Deliver on the promises, whether it’s the anti-Semitism awareness act, whether it is cutting funding from anti-Semitic universities that have violated the civil rights of students, whether it is taxing the endowments or deporting non-American students who violate the law. He should make good on the promises he has made, and I will help the administration, in any capacity, in any position, to work with the Jewish American community, to work with Jewish students, and to make sure that our community is protected, and has advocates.

CM: What is your advice to Jewish students?

Don’t stop fighting. This is an inflection point in our country’s history, and in particular in the story of American Jewry. It has never been more important to wear your Jewish pride loudly, publicly.

You have nothing to apologize for. Advance the cause of American democracy, of Western civilization, of the Jewish state and of Jewish values. Because this fight, the fight of ideology, is critical for the survival not just of the Jewish people, but of the United States.

Students are on the front lines of this battle. It’s a battle that’s being waged 24/7. It’s a battle that we didn’t ask to be part of. It’s a problem we did not create, but it’s young Jewish students who are going to fix the problem.

CM: What do you mean by “fix the problem”?

The problem is that of rampant anti-Semitism, political indoctrination, and anti-Americanism on our campuses. We are the ones who are going to showcase not just to our college campuses, but to the rest of the country, that America is good, that Jewish values are worth fighting for, that American Jews are part of the tapestry of what makes this country so great, and we are not going to shy away from our identity and from our ideology.

CM: What would you like the Jewish community to do, to help you and to help college students?

You must amplify the voices of Jewish students.

Invite them to your dinners and conferences. Have them in the boardrooms and in the meetings. Bring them to Capitol Hill because they have something that you will never have, and that is direct personal experience. They know how to fix this more than anyone in the Jewish community. Respect their voices.

Listen to the students.

Words of Rabbi Eli J. Mansour – The Signature Qualities of the Jewish People

Something about baby Moshe made it clear that he was Jewish.

Moshe’s mother had placed him in a basket in the river, and the basket was soon discovered by none other than the Egyptian princess, Pharaoh’s daughter. She opened the basket, saw a baby crying, and immediately determined, “Miyaldeh ha’Ivrim zeh – This one is from the children of the Hebrews!” (Shemot 2:6). Apparently, Moshe had some feature that was unique to Beneh Yisrael, such that the princess was immediately able to conclude that he was one of “the children of the Hebrews.”

Rashi writes that she saw Moshe’s berit milah, and this was enough for Pharaoh’s daughter to determine that he was a Jew.

There are, however, other approaches that have been taken – and which highlight certain qualities which characterize – and must always characterize – the Jewish Nation.

The Silent Cry

One such explanation I was privileged to hear from the former Ashkenazic Chief Rabbi of the State of Israel, Rav Yisrael Meir Lau, shelit”a.

Rav Lau noted a number of other difficulties in this verse. For one thing, Moshe is referred here in two different ways. The Torah tells that “vatir’ehu et hayeled” – the princess saw “the child,” but then writes, “hinei na’ar bocheh” – “behold, a young lad was crying.” The words “yeled” (child) and “na’ar” (young lad) are not at all synonymous. A yeled is a small child, whereas a na’ar is an older child, a young adult. How could the Torah describe three-month-old Moshe as a “crying na’ar”?

Rashi, based on the Gemara (Sotah 12b), explains that Moshe’s voice resembled that of an older child, an adolescent. Although he was still an infant, he had the voice of a na’ar.

At first glance, this seems very strange. Why would Moshe, at three months old, have the voice of a teenage boy? Indeed, another view in the Gemara dismisses this opinion, refusing to accept that the greatest prophet and leader of all time was blemished in this fashion.

To explain this concept, Rav Lau draws upon his own experience as a young boy in a situation not all that different from Moshe’s.

Born in Poland in 1937, Rav Lau was a young boy when the Nazis broke into his family’s home to take them away. He recalls how his mother tried hiding him to protect him – just as Moshe’s mother successfully hid Moshe from the Egyptian authorities who were bent on carrying out Pharaoh’s cruel edict to kill all newborn boys. Little Yisrael Meir saw the dread and trepidation on his mother’s face, and he himself shared her fears. Still a young child, he naturally felt like crying – but he knew that he could not cry out loud. Any sound he would make would draw the attention of the Nazi troops. Although he was just several years old, the horrific circumstances he endured forced him to have the maturity to cry silently. Normally, only adults have the wisdom and strength to keep their cries to themselves, and

weep in silence, but young Yisrael Meir Lau, on that terrifying day, was, in this sense, an adult, and he cried quietly.

Many years later, Rav Lau realized that this might have been true also of baby Moshe. Although just an infant, Moshe had been trained to cry silently. Ever since birth, he was hidden from those who wanted to kill him, and so he was forced to weep quietly. And for this reason, Rav Lau said, the Torah says that Pharaoh’s daughter saw (vatir’ehu) a weeping child – and not that she heard the baby’s cries. Moshe was a yeled, a young child, but he cried like a na’ar, with the maturity to realize that he must cry silently, and so he was only seen, but not heard.

This is how the princess determined right away that Moshe was an Israelite child. Rav Lau explained that we Jews, having suffered so much persecution and hostility, are accustomed to silent weeping. We have been forced throughout our history to keep our cries quiet, to avoid drawing the attention and the resentment of those who seek to harm us. Silent weeping is a uniquely Jewish quality, and thus Pharaoh’s daughter immediately realized that “miyaldeh ha’Ivrim zeh” – Moshe was a Jew.

But there is a different understanding of this pasuk – one which reflects not only the unfortunate reality of our nation’s silent cries, but also the unique bond which we are to feel toward our fellow Jews.

The Crying Brother

This understanding emerges from a brief but fascinating comment of the Ba’al Haturim (Rabbenu Yaakov Ben Asher, Germany-Spain, d. 1340) in interpreting this verse. The Ba’al Haturim observes that the words “na’ar bocheh” (“a crying lad”), as spelled in this verse, have the same gematria (numerical value) as the words “zeh Aharon Hakohen – This is Aharon the Kohen.” Surprisingly, the Ba’al Haturim asserts that the “crying lad” in this verse is not Moshe, the infant whom Pharaoh’s daughter sees in the basket, but rather his older brother, Aharon, who was standing off to the side. The Torah tells us that Moshe’s sister, Miriam, had gone to the riverbank to see what would happen to her baby brother, but, according to the Ba’al Haturim, Aharon was there, too. And, as Aharon watched his baby brother helplessly floating in a basket on the river, without his parents or anyone to care for him, and exposed to the danger of the ruthless Egyptian authorities, he cried.

According to the Ba’al Haturim, the “yeled” and the “na’ar” in this verse are two different people – Moshe and Aharon. Pharaoh’s daughter saw the child, and then, “behold, there was a lad weeping” – she heard someone else crying for this infant. And it was then that she determined, “Miyaldeh ha’Ivrim zeh” – that this must be a Jewish child.

One of the defining characteristics of our nation is empathy, feeling each other’s pain. We are all brothers and sisters, and we all cry when our fellow Jew is in distress. When we hear of a fellow Jew who has taken seriously ill, we cry and pray. When we hear of a fellow Jew who has fallen into financial straits, we cry and see how we can help. When we hear of fellow Jews in Israel who are killed in war or terror attacks, we cry. We cry and pray for the hostages, for the soldiers waging war, for those who have sustained injuries, and for the grieving families. This is what we do. And so when Pharaoh’s daughter saw a young man crying because of a baby that was floating helplessly in the river, she understood that this was a Jewish child.

“Adam” vs. “Anashim”

Rav Meir Shapiro of Lublin (1887-1933) explained on this basis an otherwise mysterious Talmudic passage which, until his interpretation, was used by antisemites throughout the ages to fuel the flames of hatred and suspicion of Jews. The Gemara in Masechet Yevamot (61a) cites the prophet Yehezkel’s pronouncement to the Jewish Nation (34:31), “Adam atem” – literally, “You are people.” This indicates, the Gemara notes, that “you are called ‘adam,’ but the gentiles are not called ‘adam’.” The Gemara applies this teaching to a halachic concept, to a certain Torah law which depends on the particular status of “adam.” But many a Jew-hater seized upon the Gemara’s remark to provide “evidence” that we are a racist, supremacist people, that we consider all non-Jews as subhuman creatures. It goes without saying that this is a preposterous claim, as Torah law, ethics and tradition teaches us to extend sensitivity and kindness to all people, and to respect the divine image within every human being. But what, then, does the Gemara here mean? In what way are gentiles not considered “adam”?

Rav Shapiro explained the Gemara to mean that gentiles aren’t called “adam,” and are called instead the other word for “person” – “ish.” The difference between the words “adam” and “ish” is that the latter also has a plural form – “anashim.” When we want to speak of two or more people, we say “anashim.” Intriguingly, there is no corresponding plural term for “adam.” This word has only a singular form. The Gemara is teaching us that we, the Jewish People, are always referred to with the singular expression “adam,” even when there are many thousands of us. No matter how many Jews we are talking about, they are always “adam” – a single, indivisible unit. We are all one, like a single body. When one part of the body aches, the entire body suffers – and this is true of Am Yisrael, as well. We all feel each other’s pain, share in each other’s sorrow, and help shoulder each other’s burdens. But other people are called “ish,” or, in the plural, “anashim.” This does not mean that there’s anything wrong with people who aren’t Jewish. It means simply that other nations do not have the same unique cohesiveness and sense of family as Am Yisrael. This is one of our signature qualities, a feature of Jewish life that makes us unique.

Caring Community

I say with great pride that while this is true of the entire Jewish Nation, this is true especially of our beautiful community. One of the things that we excel in is the quality of sharing our fellow’s burden, and coming to his side in his time of need. We are kind, generous, giving, and – most important of all – concerned. We truly care about one another – about our fellow community members, and about our brothers and sisters from outside our community, no matter their background, affiliation, or level of observance. We embody the notion of “adam,” the notion that the entire Jewish Nation comprises a single organic entity that cannot ever be divided.

I hope and pray that in the merit of all the wonderful hesed performed by our community, and of all the heartfelt tefilot recited by our community members for our fellow Jews in need here, in Israel, and throughout the world, Hashem will bless His nation with peace and prosperity, and bring us our long-awaited final redemption, speedily and in our times, amen.

Mabrouk – January 2025

Births – Baby Boy

Martin & Rachel Cohen

Mark & Anta Shalam

Isaac & Esther Moghrabi

Richie & Joyce Ayal

Mark & Nicole Hazan

Miro & Junie Sutton

Sammy & Danielle Dayan

Marc & Cookie Dweck

Births – Baby Girl

Max & Susan Cohen

Adam & Shira Gorcey

Danny & Barbara Choai

Jack & Amanda Betesh

Joseph & Janice Mizrahi

Joey & Fortune Ades

Ralph & Sophia Shamah

Zach & Claudia Mansour

Bar Mitzvahs

Avraham, son of Rabbi Refael and Janet Netanel.

Engagements

Daniel Tracktenberg to Celia Chrem

Aron Rudy to Esther Sutton

Leo Setton to Rochelle Tawil

Teddy Chattah to Robyn Dweck

Jacob Setton to Danielle Elbaum

Eddie Ashkenazi to Emy Shamah

Weddings

Irving Bijou to Rosie Zeytouneh

Ikey Betesh to Rivka Cohen

Charlie Ades to Jacqueline Salman

Jack Bibi to Eve Shalom

Eddie Keda to Esty Ballas

Marc Abed to Sarah Assis

One on One with Renee Mizrahi

Ellen Geller Kamaras

“Why architecture? I knew I wanted something creative. I took an interior decorating class in 10th grade, but it wasn’t for me. That year, I volunteered to redo the SBH food pantry and designed the plans, a contractor was hired, and I worked and supervised the project. I found out that I wanted to design houses, not decorate them.” – Renee

Please meet Renee Mizrahi, the first architect interviewed for this column.

Renee is a warm, energetic, organized, ambitious, and talented woman, who wears many hats daily. Organization, planning, and flexibility are the keys to her success.

Let’s step back and follow Renee on her journey to becoming a wife, mom, and architect.

Childhood

Renee comes from a close Sephardic family. She is the daughter of Karen and David Cohen and is a graduate of both Magen David Yeshiva Elementary School and High School. Renee has an older sister and brother and a younger brother.

As a young child, Renee was playful, but as she grew up, she leaned more towards the shy side. “I was quiet in school, took my schoolwork seriously (big rule follower here!), and had a great group of friends.” Renee was an honors student in high school. Her next academic step was Pratt Institute, School of Architecture where she earned a five-year accredited degree.

Renee was fortunate to meet her soulmate, Victor Mizrahi, two years her senior, at MDY High School. They were married when Renee was in her third year at Pratt, during the winter break. The couple lives in Brooklyn with their three children, seven, five, and three, who all proudly attend their parents’ alma mater.

Family and Career

To gain experience and knowledge in the architectural field, Renee interned for different architecture or engineering firms during the summers and time off. She looked to determine what kind of firm would be the right fit for her. Renee loved the corporate atmosphere.

However, once she graduated college and thought about starting a family, she understood that she needed a sustainable and long-term position outside the corporate world. Renee desired a role that would afford her the flexibility of being an observant Jew and raising a family.

After graduating Pratt with a Bachelor of Architecture, Renee set the goal to study for her architectural exams, put in the required hours, and become a licensed architect.

To become a licensed architect, one must graduate an accredited architecture school, work under a licensed architect for three years, and pass six exams.

Renee’s first position post-graduation was in an architecture and design firm. Soon after, she became the project manager for the firm’s community-based projects, for example, one-family homes, schools, and shuls. She managed the one-family homes throughout Brooklyn and NJ. Renee stayed at that firm for seven years.

“Being a working mom, I have learned that sometimes the path may be longer and/or different than you anticipated.”

When Covid hit, Renee had a newborn daughter and a toddler son to care for while maintaining her full-time job.

Every minute of her “free time” was occupied with being with her children and catching up on work. Renee had to put a pause on studying for her last three licensing exams. She had started her exams after she had her first child and passed three exams by the time she had her second child.

After giving birth to her third child, Renee took some time off from work to focus on being a mother, and to finish up her exams. “I passed my last exam when my youngest daughter turned one, and shortly after, I started my own architecture and design firm. I began working on projects and continued to work on one-family homes.”

Passions and Accomplishments

Renee has a passion for working with families and designing their dream homes. She enjoys meeting with clients and fine tuning the designs to create spaces specific to each family, in a way they can enjoy and love their home. “When I see the client is happy, it makes it all worth it.”

“I learned that every family is different, has different needs, and being able to efficiently and effectively design spaces for those families is something I will always enjoy. It inspires me that every project brings new challenges, and I am always learning and growing.”

Renee explained that every project has its unique challenges, and some days completely focus on problem solving. “Whether it is a design challenge, a restriction with zoning or the building department, or conflicts that arise throughout construction (or all the above!), it can be stressful. The job is not only about design. Yes, it is a big part, and the creative part, but it is also about communicating with the clients, and with the contractors throughout the entire process so your designs and your ‘design intent’ is carried through. I am always amazed how much more I can grow, how much more I can learn, and how many amazing people I meet during every project.”

Personally, Renee says her proudest moments will always be her family, raising her children, and being there for them. Being a mother is her most honored and joyful achievement.

Professionally, reaching her goal of becoming a registered (licensed) architect and starting her own firm is her most rewarding accomplishment.

Mentors

Renee’s boss at her last architectural firm was a wonderful and uplifting teacher and mentor for seven years. He understood and supported her goals of becoming a licensed architect and starting her own firm.

Both her parents and her husband had a tremendous influence on Renee. As a high school student, when she told her parents she wanted to pursue architecture, they encouraged her, helped her, and even pressed Renee to push through and keep going her when college got tough.

Renee’s husband was her cheerleader and nurturer. Victor came to her college studio while she was building models, brought her dinner, sat with her, and was there for her. He was also on board with Renee opening her own firm. “Whenever it would get hard, I had an incredible support system that was always there for me.”

Renee’s Essence

Renee’s friends describe her as organized, efficient, hardworking, ambitious, and reliable. I would add warm, positive, energetic, flexible, and resilient. She has developed and honed both her technical and people skills in dealing with her one-family home clientele, the contractors, interior decorators, and the building department personnel.

Renee has an immense passion and positive energy for both her family and for her architectural projects. She maintains a high level of professionalism and dedication to client service.

Work-Life Balance

How does she sustain that positivity and vigor with her family and work?

“My work-life balance has shifted throughout the years. With every one of my children, I had a different ‘balance.’ Having my own firm makes it more challenging but I wouldn’t change it for anything.”

Renee spends one full day a week in NJ, doing on-site visits and meeting with clients, contractors, and other key players. Her three children are all in school now.

When she returns home in the late afternoon, Renee spends quality time with her children. “From 4 to 7pm, I take limited phone calls and spend that time playing with my kids, making and giving them dinner, doing homework, and preparing for bedtime. Once my kids are settled, I will catch up on the emails, texts, and whatever work needs to be coordinated. I do my best every day to be there for my children and husband, being a mother and a wife, while at the same time being there for my clients. My clients know I will respond when I can, and I will always get back to them.”

Renee’s children know that Mommy is an architect and they understand that she works longer when she is in NJ. She has visited their classrooms and done architecture projects that the students have enjoyed.

Her son says he wants to be a builder so he can build the houses Mommy designs.

To unwind, Renee enjoys Pilates and her family time, especially on weekends.

She has been involved with Propel Network and has spoken at their events. Renee views Propel as an amazing resource for women in the community.

Parting Advice

“No matter what field you go into, choose something you are passionate about. Be willing to learn new things and grow. Life happens and may delay certain plans, but it doesn’t mean that you give up. It will happen when it happens.”

Connect with Renee at renee@rmarchitecturegroup.com and follow her on Instagram @rm.architectureanddesign.

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).