Who did you call during the pandemic when you needed to talk to someone or to get out for some fresh air? 

I wonder if any of those friends were older or younger than you. 

The pandemic opened our eyes to the value of our friendships and challenged us to reassess the friendships that might be in need of nurturing. Some of the more casual friends may have already dropped off our radar and those friends who were there for us during our extended state of emergency are most likely to be the keepers. 

Birthday cards abound with messages that age is a matter of the mind – if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Or, age is just a number. 

There is truth to these corny sayings!  I enjoy my relationships with co-workers and shul friends who are young enough to be my children and with older women and men who could be my parents. 

Isn’t that part of what makes the world go round? 

The Many Faces of Friendship 

There is no one-size-fits-all formula when it comes to friends. Friends can play the part of confidantes, companions, as well as mentors and mentees.  Friendships may strengthen or weaken depending on one’s stage of life or due to geography. 

It’s no surprise that in our guide to daily living, Pirkei Avot, Ethics of our Fathers, we are urged to “Make for yourself a mentor, acquire for yourself a friend, and judge every person as meritorious (Mishnah 1:6 of Pirkei Avot).” 

If we are not locked down, we might connect with people of all ages every day, at work, at medical appointments, at the supermarket, and at a host of other places for various occasions.  Our labor force is made up of several generations and provides us with opportunities to develop relationships with individuals of varying age groups. Intergenerational friendships, those between individuals of different ages, can evolve into the most rewarding and deepest relationships.   

According to a 2020 AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) survey, “nearly four in ten adults (37 percent) have a close friend who is at least 15 years older or younger than they are.  Almost half (45 percent) of close intergenerational friendships have lasted at least ten years and one in five has lasted for more than two decades. These friendships are equally common among men and women, though boomers and Gen Xers more often have friends of a different generation than millennials.” 

So, what are some of the benefits of intergenerational friendships? 

Inspiring Role Models 

Research indicates that younger people often find that older friends add a new dimension to their lives.  They can serve as mentors and provide helpful guidance or life lessons and can even be like your own private life coach.  Those who have lived a long life have experienced major milestones and have learned to cope with life’s adversities. They can be a calming influence and can offer wise counsel on how to cope and how to appreciate the good things in life and the good times.  Younger adults who responded to the 2020 AARP Survey said that they were inspired by older friends and viewed them as role models. 

Surveying some of the millennials in my orbit, several noted that their older friends are more mature, are often less judgmental, and are less petty than friends of the same age. Some find great comfort in seeking council from someone who has significant life experience. Their advice is always honest, and informed by their experiences.  One younger friend commented about older friends, “They teach me to see things from other people’s point of view, and we tend to cooperate rather than compete.” 

I recall my daughter’s friends chatting me up at her sleepover parties or asking me for tips about relationships and careers.  Sometimes it can be easier or it feels safer to talk to a parent figure, someone else’s mom or dad, rather than one’s own parent. 

From the younger person’s viewpoint, intergenerational friendships can be nurturing and instructive, can help one to grow personally, and can enable the younger friend to gain new perspectives.   

Older /Younger Friends Simply Enjoy the Connection 

Those who have close intergenerational friendships have found that it is not always about the older person being a “patient teacher or wellspring of advice for the younger one.”  At times, it is simply about two people connecting, being like-minded, and having similar interests or passions such as loving to bake, paint, or run. 

My adult daughter treasures her relationship with her cousin Sally who is 50 years older.  She first met Sally at her bat mitzvah and adopted her as a surrogate grandmother. They share common interests, such as visiting museums, and enjoy each other’s company greatly. 

Who Is Wise? 

Here is another gem from Pirkei Avot. Who is wise? One who learns from everyone. And we see that older people have much to learn from the younger set, too. An older person, such as yours truly, can see things in a new light or can consider a fresh view when engaging with a young friend, colleague, or adult child.  My adult children often help me tackle sticky relationship situations and remind me to put myself in someone else’s shoes.  And, of course, my kids have pushed me to learn how to navigate boundaries.  Debbie Pincus, a licensed mental health counselor and author, defines a boundary as “the line you draw around yourself to define where you end and where your child begins.”  Parents tend to cross boundaries in their desire to fix things for their children.  

Adult children or younger friends can provide lessons on technology and may also shed more light on politics and current events.  My son Jacob, a journalist, helped me edit my articles and gave me terrific tips when I started writing for Community.  I continue to receive wonderful advice on self-care and creating joy from my daughter Sarah. 

I will always remember when I was asked to take on a new financial reporting role at Bristol-Myers Squibb, around 20 years ago. My position was being moved to Princeton, NJ and I was offered another job that involved learning a whole range of information technology skills. Thanks to four or five younger colleagues, I learned how to upload, filter, and slice and dice computer files.  Their support allowed me to remain with that company and partner with my husband to provide for our family.  Can you believe that as an accounting major in the 1970s, I was not required to take even one computer class?  Although I was 15 years older than most of my colleagues, I was a welcome and valued member of the team. 

I can proudly say that thanks to those work friends, I am still tech savvy, and that keeps me feeling young and in touch with what is happening in the world. 

I would be remiss if I did not mention my dear friend Yolanda, who I shared a cubicle wall with.  Fifteen years younger and of a different religion, she and I connected spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally.  When she left Bristol-Myers, I followed her shortly thereafter to a consulting firm. Yolanda became a friend and mentor, and sometimes the younger sister I never had. 

Working and socializing with younger people can keep an older person on her toes, feeling sharp, and with it!   

One of my close friends, Reba, is 76, and has many friends of all ages.  Several are in their mid-twenties, and she cherishes her time with them.  “They make me feel young, energetic, happy, useful, inclusive, and loved. I thank Hashem that they are a part of my life.”  Her young friends value her practical advice, and she admires their maturity, independence, and worldly awareness.  She enjoys when they look to her for guidance, and she feels respected and appreciated.  Listening to Reba, I realize that intergenerational friendships are about reciprocity, respect, and having fun too! 

Intergenerational Friendships and Volunteering 

Volunteering is a fabulous way for the younger and older generations to really experience the magic of intergenerational friendships and to do hesed. 

Sing on Hanukah or hand out mishloah manot at a nursing home.  Or dance and enjoy activities with seniors at Sephardic Bikur Holim.   

The 50-plus age group represents a tremendous resource when they volunteer.  One example is the UJA Engage Jewish Service Corps that enables Jewish women and men in their 50s, 60s, and beyond to address the needs of the NYC Jewish community. Volunteers use their passions, areas of expertise, and skill sets to tackle issues such as hunger, poverty, joblessness, the special-needs population, and the isolated elderly.  

I leave you with Rabbi Akiva’s sage advice about friendship: “Don’t walk ahead of me, I may not follow; don’t walk behind me, I may not lead; just walk beside me and be my friend and together we will walk in the way of Hashem.” 

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching.   Ellen works part-time as an entitlement specialist at Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com). 

Belief In and Properly Awaiting the Redemption

Rabbi Eliyhau Haim Aboud 

In this final segment of the Mashiah Revealed series, we will address what is likely the most critical aspect of this subject, namely, the belief in the coming of Mashiah and the anticipation of his speedy arrival.  

Our sages teach that each and every one of us, as members of the Jewish nation, is obligated to acknowledge and internalize this fundamental belief regarding the future of the world, and its transformation during the Messianic Era. 

The Thirteen Principles of Jewish Faith 

One of the thirteen principles of Jewish faith (as enumerated by the Rambam), which constitute the fundamentals of Torah Judaism, is the belief in the coming of Mashiah, as mentioned in the Torah and described at length by the prophets. Some commentariesi classify the belief in the coming of Mashiah and the final redemption under the Biblical command to believe in Hashem. The Rambam writesii that one who does not accept all thirteen principles (including the belief in Mashiah), whether as a result of conscious rejection or due simply to the lack of proper study and thought, has the status of an apikores (heretic), who is not considered a part of the Jewish Nation and will have no share in the world to come! Although of course such an individual is halachically Jewish, he is not an active part of the Jewish Nation and is excluded from the benefits applying to the nation as a whole. 

Awaiting Mashiah’s Arrival

While many of us are familiar with the fact that believing in Mashiah’s arrival constitutes one of the thirteen principles of faith, few of us are aware of the full extent of this belief. When the Rambam lists the arrival of Mashiah as one of the thirteen principles of faith, he presents this tenet as a dual principle: we must believe that Mashiah will come, and we must anticipate his arrival. The Rambam even concludes his comments by saying, “One who does not believe in Mashiah or does not wish for his immediate arrival is rejecting the teachings of the Torah and Moshe Rabbenu.”iii In fact, the Talmud teachesiv that awaiting and anticipating Mashiah’s arrival are so vital that one of the first questions posed by the Heavenly Tribunal to each departed soul is, “Did you anticipate the final redemption?” 

The Rambam further explains that awaiting Mashiah’s arrival also entails wishing for his immediate coming at every moment without any preconditions, specific times or circumstances, as we say in the fifteenth blessing of the Amida prayer, “Ki liyeshu’atcha kivinu kol hayom – for we await for your redemption the entire day.” Our sages tell us that awaiting the ge’ula (redemption) can actually bring the final redemption even closer, and, conversely, apathy towards our national redemption further delays its arrival. One Midrashic passage goes so far as to say that if there would be one generation which would earnestly wish for the redemption, Hashem would immediately redeem us! The Hida z.s.l. (Rabbi Haim Yosef David Azoulay, 1724-1806), writes that this precept, too, can be inferred from a blessing in the Amida prayer, where we recite, “Et semah David avdecha mehera tassmiah…ki liyeshu’atcha kivinu kol hayom – Quickly make the flower of Your servant David sprout forth… because we await Your redemption the entire day.” This means that even if we are as yet unworthy of redemption, nevertheless, the very fact that “we await Your redemption the entire day,” that we eagerly anticipate its arrival, should render us deserving of Mashiah already now.v 

Reasons for the Redemption

There are numerous reasons why each and every Jew should eagerly want Mashiah to come. For one thing, Mashiah will bring a permanent end to our suffering in exile under foreign rule. Secondly, Mashiah will reinstate the kingship of the royal house of David and elevate it to an unprecedented stature of power and grandeur. The kings will lead us, the Jewish Nation, in the fully independent land of Israel. The prophets describe the extent of Mashiah’s power and authority, depicting him as exerting his rule over the entire world.  

However, as important as these reasons are, we must bear in mind the trenchant comments of the Rambam in describing the central reason for eagerly anticipating redemptionvi: 

“The prophets and our hachamim did not wish for the redemption so that the Jewish nation will rule over the entire world, or subjugate the gentile nations, or so that we will be extolled and admired by the entire world, or to be able to eat and drink and make merry, but rather to finally be free to study the Torah and its wisdom without any subjugations and disruptions, so that we will merit the eternal life in the next world.” 

The Ultimate Purpose 

The Ramhal, z.s.l. (Rabbi Moshe Haim Luzzato, 1707-1746), in his classic work Messilat Yesharimvii, adds yet another critically important reason for praying and longing for Mashiah. Amidst his discussion of anticipating the redemption, the Ramhal writes that although the final redemption will free our nation from exile and put an end to all our suffering, our primary intent when praying for Mashiah’s arrival should be for the sake of Hashem’s glory. The Almighty’s honor is with us in exile, as it were, in that He is not clearly recognized as the sole ruler over the world by the gentile nations. At the End of Days, with the redemption of the Jewish people, Hashem’s kingship will be clearly seen and recognized by all the world’s inhabitants. The Ramhal writes that this must be the primary reason for anticipating the Messianic Era, beyond simply the realization of our national freedom. 

The Ramhal’s comments are characteristically profound and require extensive analysis and discussion. For our purposes, however, it suffices to cite the final passage in Pirke Avot which can perhaps shed light on the Ramhal’s comments: “Everything Hashem created in this world, He created solely for His honor.” Hashem created the world so that His name would be honored and extolled, and so we – His Chosen Nation, who are committed to serving Him and realizing the purpose of the world’s creation – should be primarily concerned with His honor when praying for the final redemption. 

This precept also constitutes the central theme of the Kaddish prayer which we recite many times throughout the prayer service. Kaddish begins with the words, “Yitgadal veyitkadash sheme rabbah – May the Great Name (of Hashem) be made great and sanctified,” and continues along this theme until it reaches its crescendo, when the entire congregation declares in unison, “Yehe shemeh raba mevarach le’alam ulalmei almaya –May the great name (of Hashem) be blessed forever and for all eternity.” This powerful tefilla expresses our nation’s heartfelt desire that Hashem’s name be recognized once again by the entire world through the coming of Mashiah in the End of Days. 

How Our Sages Await Mashiah 

The wedding invitation for the grandchildren of the great Hassidic Masters the Chozeh of Lublin z.s.l. and the Baal Hatanya, z.s.l. (the founder of Chabad), read as follows: “The wedding ceremony will be taking place in Eress Yisrael, in the holy city of Jerusalem. However, if by some chance Mashiah has not arrived by then, it will take place in the city of Lublin in Poland.” 

The Haffes Haim, z.s.l. (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, 1839-1933), was legendary for his earnest and sincere longing for Mashiah’s arrival. Members of his household related that he had prepared a special suit and packed a suitcase so he would be ready to immediately join Mashiah in Eress Yisrael upon his arrival. From time to time he would don the suit and actually sit and wait for Mashiah to come! 

When the magnificent, solid gold Aron Hakodesh (holy ark) was being prepared for the famed Ponovitch Yeshiva in Israel, the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Yosef Kahaneman, z.s.l., prepared two chairs on either side of the ark, as places for Mashiah and Eliyahu Hanavi to sit upon their arrival. The chairs have remained there until today in the main study hall of the yeshiva in Bnei Brak.  

Someone was once driving the renowned posek Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, z.s.l., when he unexpectedly gave forth a deep sigh of anguish. When asked what had happened, Rabbi Feinstein explained that those were the final moments of the month of Nissan, which, the Talmud teaches, is the month slated for Mashiah’s arrival. The rabbi lamented the fact that yet another Nissan had passed without us being privileged to greet Mashiah.viii 

Hashem Awaits the Redemption 

The Midrash teachesix that Hashem Himself anxiously awaits the time for the final redemption, even more than a father awaits the return of his lost son or a woman awaits the return of her missing husband. Each and every night, the Talmud says, Hashem painfully laments the situation of His children in exile, and cries, “Woe unto the children on account of whose sins I had to destroy My house, burn My sanctuary, and exile them among the nations.”  

Rabbi Haim Palagi, z.s.l. (1788-1869), after citing this Midrashic passage, added the following remarkable commentsx: 

“Believe me when I speak, that whenever I read this passage my eyes fill with tears, as I think of how Hashem our king and master of the world is waiting so anxiously to redeem His children and bring upon them all the good of the world, and yet we still just go about our daily life preoccupied with our mundane affairs and don’t even think about bringing the redemption closer.”  

It is our sincere hope that this series has helped clear some of the confusion with regard to this topic, and has generated greater awareness of its importance to the Jewish nation. This is especially important in our present times, the generation before Mashiah. May we all be zocheh to live and see the realization of our nation’s wishes for the coming of Mashiah speedily and in our days.

Who Are You Going to Call Thirty Minutes Before Shabbat?

One wintery Friday afternoon, the Mitzvah Man received a call from a frantic woman, just half an hour before the start of Shabbat.  

The caller, Carol, explained that her elderly mother’s Shabbat food delivery did not arrive, and, of course, all the kosher stores were already closed. Since Carol’s mother lives in the Chelsea area of lower Manhattan and Carol lives in Brooklyn, there was no way Carol could possibly make it to her mother’s before Shabbat. “My mother lives all alone, and she relies on us!” Carol said, with panic in her voice. “I don’t even know what to do or who I can turn to! Is there any way you can please help us?” 

The Mitzvah Man switched back on his computer, and spoke in a calm voice. “Carol,” he said, “don’t worry. I will put out a call to our volunteers and will get back to you as soon as I have a solution.” He asked Carol if her mother has any food restrictions, and for her name, address, and phone number. As Carol gave him the information, he input it into his computer, with the notation “Emergency situation!”  

He noted that Carol’s mother lives alone, and in addition to being without food, she would welcome visitors. 

Within seconds the first volunteer responded. “I live in Manhattan in the 90s and will send an Uber with Shabbat food.” Next, a volunteer from Midtown, about a 30-minute walk from Chelsea, wrote, “I will go in an Uber to bring the food and will walk back home.” 

Another volunteer posted, “My family and I live in the 70s. It will be our pleasure to walk over to Carol’s mother to make sure she is alright and stay with her the remainder of Shabbat.” 

Only minutes before Shabbat, the Mitzvah Man called Carol. “Your mother is set up with meals for tonight and Shabbat day. One of our volunteers will walk over to your mother’s with his family Shabbat afternoon to check up on her, and will visit with her for the remainder of Shabbat.” 

Carol was nearly speechless. “Thank Gd! You really saved me, and my mother! Thank you so, so much. I was so worried that my mother would be without food for Shabbat. And now she’ll have food and visitors. I cannot thank you and your volunteers enough for doing such amazing hesed!”