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Purim Q&A with Rabbis Hayim & Moshe Arking

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February 2021

Purim Q&A with Rabbis Hayim & Moshe Arking

READING THE MEGILLAH

The reading of the Megillah is a way to perform the mitsvah of pirsum hanes
– publicizing the Purim miracle. Women, as well as men, are obligated to
hear the reading of the Megillah, as women were also under the threat of annihilation. Furthermore, a woman – namely Queen Esther – played a significant role in the miracle. Children should also hear the Megillah (as long as they behave appropriately!).

Can I eat before hearing the Megillah?

One should not eat until he or she hears the Megillah, both for the night and morning readings. If one is very thirsty or hungry, he may eat or drink a small amount.

Do I need my own Megillah?

Although having a kosher Megillah is commendable, it is not necessary to fulfill the mitsvah. Due to the sanctity of the scroll, one who touches the parchment of a Megillah without a kerchief is required to wash his hands first. If one has already washed his hands before prayers, his hands are considered ritually clean and he need not wash again.

Even if one does not have a Megillah scroll, he should still follow along with the hazan by using his own printed Megillah, a Tanach, or any other text. This will enhance his focus and enable him to catch up on some missed words if need be. He should, however, be careful not to read along out loud with the hazan.

If I was late to the Megillah reading can I listen from where they are up to and hear what I missed afterward?

The Megillah has to be read in order. However, if one is only a minute or so late, he may catch up by reading from his own Megillah or a Tanach, provided that at least half of the Megillah was heard from the hazan, or he himself is reading from a kosher Megillah. The berachot should be recited before he starts to read.

What if I tuned out for a few seconds?

One must hear every word of the Megillah. If you know where the reader is up to because you have been following along, then you are good, even if your mind wandered a bit. However, if you missed a few words, you can make them up by quickly reading them yourself from any text.

MISHLOACH MANOT

Mishloach manot – sending gifts – is one of the exciting mitsvot of the day, which was instituted to increase camaraderie. The decree of Haman to wipe out the Jews was sold to Ahashverosh on the premise that the Jews were not united. We, therefore, renew and reinvigorate friendships by sending each other gifts of love.

Who must give?

Men and women, and boys and girls over thirteen years of age, are obligated to give mishloach manot. Younger children should also give as hinuch – training in mitsvot. A married couple should each fulfill their mitsvah individually, a man giving to men, and a woman to women. One can, and some say preferably, give mishloach manot through an agent.

When should I give?

The obligation to give mishloach manot can only be fulfilled during the daytime. If you ordered a package before Purim to be delivered to a friend (even through Amazon), the obligation will be fulfilled only if it arrives on Purim day.

What should I give?

Preferably one should give something respectable that befits the stature and honor of both the person giving and the recipient. One should give at least one of their mishloach manot in a way that meets this requirement.

To fulfill one’s obligation, one must give two different food items that are ready-to-eat. Drinks are also counted as an item; however, a plain water bottle or seltzer is not counted. Teabags or a bag of ground coffee are not ready-to-eat foods. However, a hot or iced coffee, tea or other flavored beverage does fulfill the requirement of a ready-to-eat item for mishloach manot.

How many should I give?

One fulfills his obligation by giving to one person. The more one gives the better, as you are creating more friendships. If one has a choice between giving more money to the poor or to give more mishloach manot, it is better to give more money to the poor. There is no greater happiness than making the hearts of poor people, widows, and orphans happy! (Rambam)

MATANOT LA’EVYONIM – GIFTS TO THE NEEDY

How much do I give?

The mitsvah is to give to at least two poor people. Some say one can give each poor person a perutah, a small amount. Others say one should give enough to buy a meal, which could range between five and twenty dollars. In practice, one should give the preferred amount for at least the first two poor people. To any additional poor people, one may give as he wishes – the more the better.

To whom should I give the money?

One fulfills his obligation of matanot la’evyonim by giving poor people that struggle financially with basic needs. This can be done easily by giving the appropriate amount to trusted people or organizations collecting on behalf of the poor.

Can I send the money before Purim?

Yes, so as long as the money is received by the poor person on the actual day of Purim.

DAY OF SALVATION

How Should I Spend My Free Time on Purim?

Purim is an exceptional day for giving tsedakah, increasing friendships, praying, and Torah study. On Purim the law is that “whoever extends his hand for charity, we should give and provide.”

That is to say, throughout the year we should check the credentials of one asking for charity; whereas on Purim, a day of giving, we should give to all poor people who stretch out their hand.

This is true in regard to prayers as well – whoever stretches out his hand to Hashem, He will provide. There are many remarkable stories of salvation for those who prayed sincerely on Purim.

Let us use this special day to give and to pray, and may all our prayers be answered speedily. Amen.

PURIM Embracing our Latent Self

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Purim is a time when what is normally hidden away gets revealed, and we put aside our external facades for a bit. What is the underlying lesson of this holiday, and why do we celebrate it every year?

Jews don’t have holidays.

That is to say, we don’t simply commemorate historical events with days of vacation and parties. Jewish history is filled with events both tragic and wonderful, and with very few exceptions, they are hardly even remembered today. Though our calendar is replete with days that are anchored in events from ancient times, none of those are simply commemorative. On Pesah, for instance, we are not merely memorializing the Egyptian exodus, rather we are reaffirming our unique identity as Hashem’s Firstborn. On Shavuot we rededicate ourselves to the study and upholding of the Torah. And so it is with every one of our Holy Days.

An Unusual Holiday

This pattern seems to break when it comes to Purim. We read the Megillah, where we find a long story of hashgaha (Divine intervention) and nes nistar (hidden miracles). A terrible danger was averted in a miraculous fashion, and the nation was saved. Truly a reason to celebrate. But why every year? There were other times when the entire nation was in existential danger. Though the very heavens opened, and the angels’ song wiped away our enemies, we don’t commemorate the destruction of Sanheriv’s armies, for example. What was unique about the miracle of Purim that deserved a permanent entry into the Jewish calendar?

Turnabout is Fair Play

Perhaps the most unique aspect of the miracle of Purim was the large number of reversals that occurred. Esther the tzadeket being taken by force to live with a non-Jew was a personal tragedy that turned into a national salvation. Haman in his ego building oversized gallows was partly to blame for his getting strung up on those same gallows. The appointment of Mordechai the Torah Sage to adjudicate Persian disputes at the king’s gate turned into an opportunity for him to uncover the assassination plot. And there were many others, culminating in the greatest of them all – Haman’s mobilization of the anti-Semitic army gave rise to their own annihilation. The story of the Megillah is woven throughout with the theme.

Let us examine this a bit more. The Gemara (Megillah 12a) gives two reasons that we deserved Haman’s decree of annihilation. The first was in the days of Nebuchadnezzar. The king erected a gigantic statue of himself and declared that all his subjects must do him homage by coming and bowing to his image. The vast majority of Jews in that time decided to follow the king’s decree rather than provoking his anger. They felt it was better to just blend in. By doing so, we provoked the anger of Hashem instead.

The second event that brought down Heavenly judgment was that recorded at the start of the Megillah. King Ahashverosh threw a lavish 180-day party, inviting all of Shushan to attend and participate. The Jews of the city, again not wanting to be left out, came and enjoyed – against the express warnings of Mordechai. Hashem saw us feasting while the king (erroneously) celebrated the end to Jewish hopes and decreed that we be wiped out.

The common thread between these two events is that we chose to go along with the gentiles, to blend in and be good citizens. We just wanted to get along with our new neighbors and show the government that we won’t be any trouble. And that’s exactly what nearly brought calamity.

The Purpose of Galut

Hashem tells us through the words of the prophet (Yehezkel 20:32-33), “This that you imagine, that you will (now that the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed) become like one of the other nations, will not be. Rather I will rule over you with power and with fury.” After we were exiled from our land, many among us believed that it meant the end of the Jewish Nation as the unique ambassadors of Hashem in this world. We felt that it was time to fade into the background and become a nation like all the others. So, we bowed to the idol. We attended the party. We became just one more nation. Hashem, however, would have none of that.

The Midrash (Esther Rabbah 6:7) states, “Hashem said to the Jews: you wept that you were orphans with no father (Eicha 5:3), therefore the one whom I will choose to deliver you (Esther) will have no parents.” The choice of an orphan to be the one to bring deliverance was specifically meant as a rebuke to our statement that “we have no Father.” Even when cast out of our land, our Temple in ruins, we always have our Father in Heaven. The purpose of Galut was not to cast us away, but to teach us this lesson precisely.

Our identity as Hashem’s personal representatives is not tied to any place or time. We don’t need to be in Hashem’s house in order to spread awareness of His existence. We can be at the opposite end of the world, deep in the Persian Empire, and still live lives of holiness. When we tried to blend in, Hashem sent us the decree of Haman, which singled out every Jew and targeted him for destruction. Hashem was ruling over us with power and fury, as promised.

Message Received

Rabbi Shelomo Alkabetz explains in Manot Halevi (Esther 8:17) that the rejoicing of the Jews when hearing word of their deliverance was tied to their mourning that occurred earlier in the story. Earlier (4:3) it states that “There was great mourning for the Jews,” and at the end it says “happiness and rejoicing for the Jews.” The evil decree was targeted at Jews. As such, we could have “renounced our citizenship” completely and given up our Jewish identity. It might have saved us from annihilation. Instead, we mourned as Jews. We took to heart the message that Hashem sent us and doubled down on our Jewish identity. That being the case, we merited the salvation, and to rejoice again in our Jewishness.

By counterintuitively highlighting our Jewishness rather than hiding it, we achieved complete teshuva for the previous errors of trying to blend in. We got the message that our job is far from over, and we rededicated ourselves to keeping the Torah even without the Temple. That was how we merited the miracle of v’nahafoch hu – the roles reversed and the persecuted were able to rule over their oppressors (Esther 9:1).

The Lasting Impact

Now we see the unique lasting power of Purim. We are not merely celebrating a miraculous deliverance. It’s not just commemorating a national victory. Purim was a turning point in our history – just like the events marked by all the other holidays. This was when we fully realized the unique mission of the Jewish Nation. Even dispersed among the nations of the world, we don’t lose our national identity or national mission. It is our job to hold our heads high and proudly show our Jewishness. We don’t pay homage to the frivolities of the other nations, and we don’t join in their empty celebrations. We follow a different Leader, and it’s our job to light the way for the rest.

My we all be zoche to carry out our mission with clarity and with pride, and to live a life as true emissaries of Hashem. In that merit, we will be able to return to our land and to our home.

Happy Purim!

The Sanctity of the Synagogue Project – Keeping Our Shuls Holy

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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The Sanctity of the Synagogue Project – Keeping Our Shuls Holy

Many refer to the current pandemic as a true plague, a magefah. COVID-19 dramatically transformed our lives in so many respects. We wear masks to work and when we shop, and our children must be masked when they are in school and outdoors. We can’t visit with elderly parents or grandparents, or socialize with friends and family at the Shabbat table or on holidays.

We practice social distancing, many have been furloughed from their jobs, and small businesses have suffered. Most importantly, we buried and mourned too many family members, friends, and colleagues.

For months, we couldn’t pray to Hashem with a minyan in shul. It was painful to see our rabbis praying in their own homes without a minyan. Most shuls were shut down in mid-March 2020 for the sake of pikuah nefesh – protecting lives. When we were permitted to return to shuls this past summer, we were able to do so in limited numbers, wearing masks and keeping socially distant.

This heartrending time period, when we were forced to pray in our own houses, provided an opportunity for many to reflect on why shuls had to close.

Did we offend Hashem and act disrespectfully?
Were we kept out of shul because of our inappropriate behavior? Do we need to make amends and change our conduct in shul?
A group of concerned community members asked these same questions. They created a pamphlet that would inspire shul goers to be more mindful in shul now that we are privileged and blessed, thank Gd, to be united again in our sanctuaries. They called this initiative the Sanctity of the Synagogue, or the Protective Shield Project (PSP).

Their mission is to raise awareness of how we can behave with the utmost respect and honor to Hashem when we come to shul. Let’s set an example for all communities worldwide. We need as much protection as possible in these trying times!

This beautifully designed, laminated, two-sided card sets forth recommended guidelines for shul conduct.

Mr. Morris S. Ashear and Mr. Harry Adjmi were instrumental in the successful distribution of one thousand cards to the pews of most shuls in the Deal area this past summer.

The pamphlets were reviewed and approved by several esteemed rabbis of the Brooklyn and the Jersey Shore communities.

The next step is to distribute these PSP cards in our community shuls in Brooklyn.

A bet kenesset, or shul, has always been regarded as a Mikdash me’at – a “mini” Bet Hamikdash. The Zohar Hakadosh explains that when the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed, parts of it dispersed throughout the world. Wherever a piece landed, a shul would eventually be built. When the prophet Yehezkel warned of the imminent destruction of the Bet Hamikdash, he mentioned that Hashem would keep “a miniature Temple” in Bavel (11:16). This is interpreted in the Talmud (Megillah 29a) to mean that bateh kenesiyot and bateh midrashot would exist worldwide, and that Jews in the Diaspora would also have a synagogue to pray in.

Examples of Do’s and Don’ts in Shul

1.A shul is a makom kadosh (sacred place), and not a venue for socializing or discussing business. Arguments and lashon hara (gossip and negative speech about other people) must also be avoided.

2.Adults can model positive behavior for our children, our future leaders.

3.Leave the outside world when you enter the shul, enjoy your tefillah and communicate with Hashem.

4. During the week, please close and put away your cell phones in shul.

5. Do not talk during Kaddish, Kohanim, and during the reading of the Sefer Torah, and Haftarah.

6. Be well-groomed and dress respectfully and modestly, even in the summer. You are entering shul to meet the Melech Hakadosh, the King.

We conclude with a berachah from Mr. Morris S. Ashear:

“Let us maximize our prayers, remember not to talk in k’nees, and conduct ourselves with dignity. If we all cooperate and follow these guidelines as a community, we can hope to, please Gd, minimize the prevalent anti-Semitism, provide the highest level of protection, create a Kiddush Hashem, make the world a better place, and bring about the coming of Mashiah.”

Please feel free to order pamphlets for your shul and send any requests or questions to: SanctityoftheShul@gmail.com. Details of the project’s soon-to-be-launched website will be forthcoming.

Ladies Who Hesed

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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When I first heard of a hesed enterprise called “Ladies Who Hesed,” I was a bit confused. One of the cofounders explained that the name is a take-off from “Ladies Who Lunch.” Now I understood – these ladies do hesed.

And how.

Preparing this article granted me the wonderful opportunity to meet two very special women who are busy raising their own young families, and yet find the time to help so many others, too. One of them, Marilyn Levy, also works as an interior designer, and the other, Margo Braha, is also involved in several other hesed organizations. As the interview unfolded, I felt that I was in the presence of greatness. Here is the next generation doing hesed. No fanfare. Just hesed of the highest order.

Ladies Who Hesed was born in the tight-knit community of Deal, NJ, where everyone knows everyone else, and people love to help each other. Our two protagonists began their enterprise by creating “meal trains,” or charts, supplying hot, fresh meals for new mothers. Through word of mouth, or via one of the popular chat groups, Margo and Marilyn arranged schedules to ensure that new mothers would be given meals for their families. Then, Marilyn and Margo were alerted that there was a new member of the community who experienced a loss, among other difficulties, and needed help. The ladies arranged meals for this family, too.

At one point, before one of the holidays, the cooks were busy cooking for their own families, and it seemed there would be a problem providing meals for everyone who needed. Marilyn suggested that the time had come to fundraise and buy readymade meals from reliable restaurants and caterers.

This had the added benefit of helping to support merchants suffering from the loss of business due to the coronavirus crisis. These same merchants, many of them food vendors, showed their gratitude by later sponsoring food shipments to families in need. Among these vendors are Nicole’s Kitchen, Nahum Bakery, Freddie’s Grill, Gluten Free SY, Sarah’s Tent, Ouri’s, SY Cuisine, Bloombar Flower Market, and Boutique Butcher.

Marilyn and Margo found themselves being the spokes in a wheel of hesed activities. They continued further, sharpening their antennae to sense needs which they could help fill without having to first be approached.

Margo was waiting for dismissal at her child’s preschool when she saw someone whose children were all grown. She approached her and asked, in a friendly manner, what she was doing there.

“A family member had surgery and the mom couldn’t come to pick up her daughter,” the woman explained.

Margo immediately set out to help the family.

With lightning speed, Margo and Marilyn’s foray into the world of hesed mushroomed, helping dozens of families in Deal, Brooklyn, and elsewhere. They are overwhelmed by the generosity of their sponsors. They are always on the lookout for hesed opportunities, and with the help of their sponsors they are making a huge difference, one hot meal at a time.

Margo and Marilyn love what they are doing, and they do it with passionate dedication and enthusiasm. They not only talk; they act. They exemplify the rabbinic teaching, “Hama’aseh hu ha’ikar – The main thing is action.”

Marilyn and Margo asked that we convey the following message to the community, thanking everyone for their outpouring of support and encouragement, and asking for continued assistance:

Hesed is our mission. We are so blessed to have the power to reach people
this way. This is, by far, the greatest adventure that we have ever been on. We say “adventure” because we don’t know what this journey will bring, or what we will be able to accomplish. We hope to continue this hesed mission for as long as the community allows us to.

Thank you to every single one of you who has supported us – not only to all the great hard workers in our local restaurants, groceries and butcher shops, and all the cooks in the kitchen, but also to all our friends and family who were behind us this whole time rooting us along. Whether you donated $1 or $100, you all helped us create Ladies Who Hesed, and we would not be able to do any of this without all of you.

If you would like to be a part of our adventure, whether you want to volunteer, sponsor, or donate, or if you have any questions, you can find us on Instagram @LadiesWhoHesed, or you can email us at: Ladieswhohesed@gmail.com.

We know giving tzedeka is important to all. We post Shabbat candle lighting times every week to give everyone the opportunity to Venmo us any amount.

Thank you again for all your support.

Marilyn & Margo Ladies Who Hesed

Will Weddings Ever Be The Same? Personal Accounts From Community Brides

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Will Weddings Ever Be The Same? Personal Accounts From Community Brides

Planning a wedding can be challenging, especially the way our community does it – typically, with just about three months from engagement to wedding.

Brides may have to compromise on their dream dress because a specific order usually takes three months just to come in, and then requires multiple fittings. They might have to borrow a dress or buy one that is available in a store. The couple and both families compile long lists of hundreds of family members, relatives, friends, and acquaintances, making sure not to leave anyone out, and that there are no doubles (there’s always some overlap in this tightknit community). They also have to find the right invitations, hall, florist, caterer, DJ, photographer, hair and makeup artist, and so on – not just for the wedding, but also for the le’haim, engagement party (yes some people have both), swanee, and shower.

All this packed into just three months. The pressure is tremendous, but somehow, it all gets done.

When Plans Go Awry

Now imagine for a moment spending all this time, money and effort, and just days before the wedding, the whole world shuts down. You planned, imagined, and paid for a huge room packed with hundreds of guests, but suddenly, people are scared to be in the same room as their parents.

This has happened to countless brides and grooms all over the world, and it was devastating. The difference between us and the rest of the world is that we don’t postpone weddings. It’s not our custom. So weddings weren’t delayed, but rather reduced from hundreds of people to a handful. In at least one known case, a community bride and groom both had COVID-19 at their wedding, were symptomatic, and had fewer than five people present at their nuptials.

As time passed, and we learned a little more about the virus that shut the world down towards the end of March 2020, strategies to avoid passing and catching the virus started becoming normalized. If you wanted to visit with family, you did so from a distance, outdoors, and if you wanted to be extra cautious, you wore a mask.

With the popularization of social distancing (keeping a distance of at least six feet from anyone apart from your household members) came outdoor weddings. They started out small, and as time went on, things changed. A major factor in this change for our community was the annual move from Brooklyn and Manhattan to the Jersey Shore which typically happens in the summer months. This year, many community members moved into their summer houses as early as March in order to quarantine near nature and in larger houses. Weddings, too, started moving to Jersey Shore homes in the early spring, for a number of reasons. First, gatherings of any kind became a criminal offense in New York. The New Jersey Governor, Phil Murphy, adjusted the maximum number of permitted guests as the pandemic went on, allowing more people as the case numbers gradually decreased – in stark contrast to the New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo, who continually imposed tighter restrictions, notably targeting Jewish neighborhoods. And New Jersey houses offered more outdoor space for larger weddings. You could safely invite more guests because they could properly distance.

Downsized Weddings

Gradually, as time went on, things began to shift. We moved from the phase of downsizing planned weddings, to planning downsized weddings. A couple would get engaged outdoors during the pandemic, and plan to have a wedding in just weeks instead of months so they could have an outdoor backyard wedding in Jersey, instead of a who-knows-what kind of wedding in New York in the fall or winter. This past summer, News Agency NJ.com wrote about this phenomenon, reporting that the borough of Deal saw a massive uptick in issued marriage licenses in 2020 – as opposed to the three or four licenses issued in an average year, a whopping 30 were issued just in the summer of 2020!

Here are a few stories of brides who got married amid the pandemic in 2020.

Marcy J Cohen

I got engaged on May 21st. It would have happened sooner, but my husband is an essential worker, and since he was on the front lines when the pandemic hit, he contracted Covid right at the beginning.

I understand that for many it was hard cutting down on guests, but this was my second wedding, so it actually worked to my advantage. My fiancée and I decided to split the cost of the wedding, since my father had already thrown me my first wedding. And there’s something special about a small, intimate wedding where every person in the room is close to you and genuinely happy and excited about your simha.

The event was supposed to take place at a brand new hall in New Jersey, and we were set to be the first wedding there. If we learned anything from 2020, it was to expect the unexpected. Just ten days before our wedding, the hall backed out. They were worried because of the state’s changing Covid policies, and decided it wasn’t worth the risk. So we had to adjust everything. We decided to make it a backyard wedding. Unfortunately, since it was so last minute, we were unable to get a tent. This added to the stress, as we were constantly checking the weather, and the forecast wasn’t looking good. Each day we checked, and each day it said rain. We just kept planning, praying, and arranging. There is not much else we could have done.

Wedding planning never ends up just right, but due to the pandemic, we had a lot of major and minor inconveniences. We had to hire security guards to check the guests’ temperature, we set up sanitization stations, and we offered masks. File these under “minor inconveniences.” As far as major inconveniences…we missed out on a “party all night” wedding. All that stressful planning and money went into a 2.5-hour event. And, it didn’t just rain; it poured. It was hot and sweaty – and then a torrential thunderstorm hit.

If I could do it over, I’d get a tent, with air conditioning. But that’s about it. Everyone we really wanted to be there was there for us. Our wedding was filled with love and joy. Everyone wanted to be there, and no one left until it was over.

My advice to other brides would be: don’t sweat the small stuff! Only invite people you want – or those you feel you have to, and no matter the weather, it will be so special, so just be excited!

Pennie Shamah

When the pandemic hit, it didn’t occur to me that it would affect my wedding, because we were planning to get engaged only in the summer, and married in November. But as time went on, and it was clear that this virus wasn’t going away, our plans shifted. We started thinking of getting married in the summer, because we had no idea what hall we’d be able to book by the fall.

We got engaged on a fishing trip in mid-June. At the end of a fishing rod was a fake engagement ring, and at first, I thought he really fished it. Then he got down on one knee and took out a box with the real one. We went back to my father’s house to celebrate, and then decided that’s where the wedding would take place. We chose the date August 30th to give us ample time to plan and prepare the house. Instead of spending thousands on a hall, my father spent the summer painting and renovating his home to make me a beautiful wedding.

The guest list changed a few times, as the rules for outdoor events were repeatedly modified. In the end, we had a considerable amount of people – nothing close to what we may have had pre-Covid, obviously, but certainly a nice amount. I cannot complain. I didn’t care so much about the planning and the details. I told my mom I wanted hot pink flowers, and left the rest up to her.

It turned out beautiful. Everyone I loved was there, and it was truly the best wedding ever. All summer we were watching the weather, and although we got a tent just in case, the weather was perfect. I always wanted a destination wedding, and though we couldn’t travel, we had a wedding outdoors and near a pool, and the pictures looked like we were away.

I never pictured a summer wedding for myself, but this is what it was because of the virus. We also decided to have an early wedding. It was the right decision. We danced all day and had the best time. If I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t.

My advice to future brides is, no matter if it’s a pandemic or not, keep it small! You only need the people you love at a celebration to be happy.

Linda Betesh

My wedding was…last minute. We’d been dating for about three years and by the summertime, I was done waiting. I knew it was time to get married. I tried to get both sides to talk, and by the time I did, it was already mid-August. I was stubborn and persistent because I knew it was time, so as insane as it sounds, we got engaged, with just two weeks to go before our newly-scheduled wedding date – Sept 2.

With the pandemic raging, I knew it was not going to be perfect, but the end result would be the same, so we started planning.

The wedding that I always dreamed of was small – just me, my fiancée, some family and friends, and a beach. This is pretty much what I had envisioned. Reality, though, came into play. We don’t own property on the beach, and so a beach wedding wasn’t practical. Instead, we decided to have the wedding in my parents’ backyard. But the small wedding thing – that was definitely happening. We took pictures on the beach before the wedding, so in some ways I got what I wanted.

There were a few unforeseen advantages to our pandemic wedding. Firstly, it was a lot cheaper. We didn’t have to worry about spending the amount we would have on a typical wedding. People were very giving at this time, offering whatever they can do to pitch in and help. Ike Douek (@dj_iked) – Gd bless him! – DJ’d our wedding, as well as many other weddings throughout this pandemic, for free. Although we didn’t spend extravagantly, it turned out to be a beautiful event.

Of course, there were also many challenges. We were too late to book a tent. In the event that it rained, my neighbor generously offered to let us get married on his porch that had a roof. It was not what I wanted at all, but since we didn’t have a tent, we at least had a “Plan B.” Because of the COVID-19 restrictions, we had to trim down the guestlist considerably. Also, since it was so last minute, and we were juggling so many balls in the air, a few people who should have been there were, unfortunately and unintentionally, not invited.

When it was almost “go-time,” I watched from my parents’ kitchen as the marchers went down. It was drizzling, I was panicky, and my stomach was in knots. When it was my turn to go, I have to say, I’m unsure if it was still raining or not, because that was the last thing on my mind. I know at some point the moisture stopped, and we had beautiful weather.

My advice to future brides would be: just let it go! Everything and anything, just let it roll right off your shoulders. Try not to worry too much and just let things happen. I was getting so worked up about the details that weren’t working, and in the end, I’m just so grateful for what I had.

Will Things be the Same?

Tradition is something this community does not take lightly, but we’ve had no choice but to adjust. The extended family and acquaintances, for the most part, had to be taken off the guestlist of these small events, which averaged about 150-200 guests – a significant reduction from the typical 1000-people invite list. With this came some fringe benefits. For starters, not having the pressure of spending over fifty grand on a wedding was a relief for many families, especially those who were financially hurt by the pandemic. Another benefit we found was the intimacy of these events. When the only people attending a wedding have a special, meaningful, close connection to the couple and their family, the enjoyment is magnified. These are unmistakable benefits that were reported by many, and which beg the question: will things ever go back to the way that they were? If we could spend less money, headache, and effort for the same result (marriage), why wouldn’t we?

Some brides stated that they cried for weeks when they realized that their dream Shaare Zion wedding of many hundreds of people had to be altered. A few expressed the value they ultimately saw in downsizing the guests to the most important people in their lives.

So what will the future of weddings in our community look like? Only time will tell.

But for now, we exuberantly celebrate each and every new wedding in our community, and excitedly look forward to more marriages, more beautiful Jewish homes, and more joy and happiness – no matter how long or short the guestlist is!

The Only Healer

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Hashem created man with a complex and ingenious body. We have miracles taking place inside us every second of the day. One job our eyes do, in conjunction with the brain, is to visually discern features and objects in the world. Hashem gave us eyes in order to enjoy the beautiful world He created. There is no way we can ever thank Him enough for that gift alone.

A woman who had vision problems for many years and then was healed told her children, “I get so much pleasure from just looking at the little soap bubbles in the air while I wash the dishes. What a blessing to be able to see that!”

In Eretz Yisrael, a boy who had been born with a debilitating disease that took his sight, miraculously was healed shortly before his bar mitzvah. His name is Netanel Davush, and he has a beautiful voice. Now he composes songs of praise and sings them to Hashem for His abundant kindness.

When our bodies are functioning properly, we have to be thankful to Hashem. We also must know, however, that if something, Heaven forbid, malfunctions, it is also being done with awesome Divine Providence. Hashem decides what goes wrong, when it should go wrong, and for how long the problem will last. From the smallest ache to a life- threatening disease, nothing ever happens randomly. It is all controlled by Hashem.

If someone wakes up in the morning with a stiff neck, it is because Hashem decided that he needs a stiff neck now. Whether it is a backache, a knee problem, tooth pain – whatever it is – it was calculated, measured, and given by Hashem with love.

Chazal tell us that before any sickness is given, Hashem decides everything about it: when it will come, when it will leave, and through which medicine it will be cured. This means that the doctor visit is Heaven decreed. The medication we end up taking is Heaven decreed. At times they are effective, and at times they are not. It all depends on Hashem, as the pasuk says (Shemot 15:26), “I am Hashem , your Healer.”

Further, it says (Tehillim 107:20), “[When] Hashem dispatches His word, then we are cured.” We have to do our hishtadlut and go to the doctor only because Hashem seeks to remain concealed in this world. In truth, the doctor actually has no say as to whether the patient will be healed. When Hashem makes a decree that a person should have a certain ailment, the doctor is not able to change that decree. Medication is not able to change that decree. Our prayers and good deeds, however, can change the decree.

The Tziz Eliezer writes that although Hashem decides how long a sickness will last, our prayers can bring the healing earlier than He initially decreed. Whenever a person has any type of illness, it is comforting to know that it came because that is what Hashem wanted. It was calculated and given for a great reason, and we have access to the only One Who can take it away. He loves to hear from us, and wants us to ask Him to remove it.

Let us strengthen our emunah and see through the natural way of the world to realize Who is really in charge, and to understand that sickness and health are totally in the Hands of Hashem. As it says in Devarim (32:39), “I struck down and I will heal.”

May Hashem send all sick people a complete and quick recovery! Amen.

Rewriting Our Story

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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This period of the year is a time when many people struggle to keep their interest in the weekly Torah reading, which speaks a great deal, and in great detail, about the Mishkan, the portable Bet Hamikdash, which our ancestors constructed at Sinai. They carried the Mishkan with them throughout their travels, erecting it at each encampment so sacrifices could be offered there. In the latter section of the Book of Shemot, the Torah goes into the nitty-gritty particulars of the Mishkan, specifying precisely how the structure itself, and all its various appurtenances, were built. While this section might at first seem intimidating – and, dare we say, tedious – it goes without saying that there is endless depth and profundity in each and every detail in the Torah, this section certainly being no exception.

The One Person Who Did Not Donate

Here we will turn our attention to one oft-overlooked detail of the Mishkan’s construction.

This section begins with the opening verses of Parashat Teruma, where Gd commands Moshe to ask the people to donate the materials that were needed for the Mishkan. This proved to be the most successful campaign in the history of fundraising, as the people donated so generously that Moshe had to announce that they should halt further donations.

The Midrash (Vayikra Rabba 1) relates that although the nation responded with remarkable enthusiasm and generosity to the call for donations, there was one prominent member of the nation who did not donate anything – Moshe Rabbenu! Surprisingly, while Moshe was the one who instructed the people to contribute, and oversaw the entire project, he did not donate any materials. The Midrash tells, “Hayetah nafsho shel Moshe agumah alav” – Moshe felt despondent over having not participated in the donation of materials for the Mishkan. Gd consoled Moshe by assuring him, “By your life, your speech is more beloved to Me than everything.”

The question is obvious. Why did Moshe not donate materials? The Sages teach that Moshe was a wealthy man. He certainly had what to contribute. Why didn’t he? And if he had a good reason not to donate materials, then why did he feel despondent and left out?

The Hatam Sofer (Rav Moshe Sofer of Pressburg, 1762-1839) offers what might at first seem to be a simple answer – but which in actuality provides us with a profound, eye-opening insight.

A number of sources teach that Gd commanded the people to construct the Mishkan in order to atone for the sin of the golden calf. Just 40 days after beholding Gd’s revelation at Sinai and jubilantly accepting the Torah, Beneh Yisrael betrayed the Almighty by fashioning a golden image of a calf, and worshipping it. To rectify this grievous sin, the people were now called upon to donate precious materials for a site that would be used to serve Gd.

Accordingly, the reason why Moshe did not participate in the donation of materials for the Mishkan is plainly obvious – he did not require atonement. As the Mishkan was needed to rectify the sin of the golden calf, Moshe did not donate towards this project, as he took no part in the golden calf, and, to the contrary, he reprimanded and punished the people for this grave incident.

However, as the Hatam Sofer acknowledges, this raises another difficult question: why does the Midrash describe Moshe as feeling “left out”? Why did it disturb him that he did not donate to the Mishkan, if the donations were needed only for the purpose of rectifying a sin which he did not commit? Are we upset over not having the “privilege” of paying a ticket because we did not speed or park illegally?

Transforming Sins Into Mitzvot

The Hatam Sofer offers an astonishing answer, noting a number of famous rabbinic teachings regarding the great power and value of repentance.

In Masechet Yoma (86b), the Gemara establishes that proper repentance does more than simply protect a person from

punishment. If a person repents “me’ahavah” – out of love, with a sincere desire to draw closer to Gd, then his sins are converted into sources of merit. Teshuvah does not simply erase guilt – it actually lifts the person higher than he had been previously, as his sins are retroactively transformed into merits.

The Hatam Sofer demonstrates how this works in a very dramatic way. He gives the example of somebody who ate non-kosher food – let’s say, a cheeseburger. He ate the cheeseburger knowing full well what he was doing, with the clear understanding that he was transgressing the Torah. Later, he sincerely regrets his mistake – not simply out of fear of punishment, but because he is overcome by love of Gd and a genuine desire to fulfill Gd’s will. Once this person repents, the Hatam Sofer writes, the cheeseburger he ate is retroactively considered like the meat of the pesach sacrifice which he ate in the Bet Hamikdash in Jerusalem.

This is how powerful sincere teshuvah is. Sitting in a non-kosher restaurant eating a cheeseburger can become like sitting in the courtyard of the Bet Hamikdash in a state of purity partaking of a sacrifice!

The Gemara (Berachot 34b) teaches, “The place where penitent sinners stand – the perfectly righteous cannot stand there.” While it goes without saying that we must do everything we can to avoid wrongdoing, nevertheless, after the fact, once we’ve done something wrong, we have the opportunity to become even greater than we would have been otherwise. Our heroic efforts to pick ourselves up, to rise from the depths, to change our behavior, to chart a new course, and to embark on a fresh beginning – this is an incalculably precious source of merit for us. And so our sins are actually transformed into mitzvot.
In a remark that only a towering sage of his stature could write, the Hatam Sofer applies this principle to Moshe Rabbenu and the Mishkan. Recognizing the precious value of teshuvah, Moshe felt dismayed. Quite obviously, he did not regret his having not participated in the sin of the golden calf. However, when he saw the people’s repentance, how they so inspiringly sought to change their past and rebuild their relationship with Gd, he was awed – and even felt a tinge of envy. Their efforts retroactively transformed the worship of the golden calf into the devoted worship of Gd. And so, in a sense, Moshe felt left out. He was excluded from what might have been the greatest public process of teshuvah of all time, and he envied the great merit that such a process brings.

Gd comforted Moshe, as mentioned, telling him, “Your speech is more beloved to Me than everything.” The Hatam Sofer explains that as Moshe was the one who led and inspired the people to repent, their repentance is partially credited to him. He would reap the great rewards of the people’s teshuvah, because of the seminal role he played in that process.

A New Look at the Purim Feast

It is worth reflecting on this concept during this month, the month of Adar, as we prepare for the joyous celebration of Purim.

feast commemorates Ahashverosh’s lavish feast for the people of Shushan, as described at the beginning of Megilat Ester. This feast was a grotesque display of sheer gluttony and decadence, and the Jews of Shushan happily participated. This marked a shameful low point in our people’s history. And yet, we gleefully commemorate it each and every year, with fine foods, wine, singing and merriment.

The reason is because of the end of the Purim story – when the Jews wholeheartedly repented and recommitted themselves to the Torah. This repentance had the effect of transforming their sinful participation in Ahashverosh’s feast into a great mitzvah. And so that feast is, in retrospect, an event worthy of jubilant commemoration.

This discussion sheds new light on the special joy of Adar, as we prepare for Purim.

A conscientious Jew cannot help but feel troubled and unhappy with himself, at least on occasion. We have all made mistakes, some more serious than others. We are all far from perfect, and if we take our religious lives seriously, we will at times feel upset at ourselves, and at times we might even feel despair. Voices in our minds might be saying things like, “Gd isn’t interested in me anymore;” “It’s too late for me, I’ve done too many really bad things;” “I shouldn’t even bother.” The Purim feast teaches us that the precise opposite is true: the mistakes of our past give us great potential for the future. We can, in a very real sense, turn those mistakes into great sources of blessings. We can learn from them, grow from them, and gain from them.

Can there be any greater joy than this, than knowing that all the mistakes we’ve made, everything we’ve ever done wrong in our lives, can turn around and become precious mitzvot?

Knowing this, we can enjoy an especially exciting, joyous, and meaningful Adar. We can experience the unparalleled satisfaction of knowing that we can turn everything around, that our decisions for the future fundamentally transform our past, that we have no reason to worry about what we’ve done, as long as we are now trying to be better.

During this month, let us stop worrying about what we’ve done wrong, and instead recognize the potential we have to use our past mistakes to build for ourselves a beautiful future.

Making Aliyah

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Last month’s cover story “Is the Land of Israel on Your Mind?” was about a very timely topic. Sadly, homeland and nationhood have been so thoroughly blotted from Jewish consciousness for so long that many Jews don’t even realize dispersion in exile is a very undesirable state of affairs from Judaism’s perspective. The second paragraph of Shema makes it clear that ideally we are meant to be in Israel. We also have an explicit prayer for it in the daily Amidah: the in-gathering of the exiles. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that.

And that is a goal in its own right from Judaism’s perspective (even without the Mashiah and the Bet Hamikdash – we have other prayers in the Amidah for those – and those are additional critical goals).

Our sources also clearly indicate that a Jew’s “natural habitat” for spiritual development is immeasurably improved in Israel (even if we’re subjugated there, and how much more so if we’re not).

Ezra brought a fraction of the Jews back to Israel from Babylonia to build the second Bet Hamikdash. Various Talmudic figures bemoan how so many simply ignored the call to return even though they ostensibly did not dispute Ezra’s authority as the prophet and decision maker for the nation. This is an old problem of ours. Gd has been waiting for us to rectify it (among others).

Natan D.

ESCAPE FROM BROOKLYN

While it was interesting to read the article regarding how fellow community members are leaving Brooklyn and moving to Deal (Exodus 5781, Escape from Brooklyn), I strongly believe Brooklyn has so much more to offer. One of the biggest perks of living in Brooklyn is seeing people walking on the street, having six Sephardic shuls within a few block radius, the local shopping on Kings Highway and Ave. P, and most important – being right near your family. Furthermore, Brooklyn boasts the Sephardic Community Center, Ahi Ezer, Shaare Zion, and 200 kosher restaurants within a mile of where you live!

Raquel H.

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Ithinktheprimaryreasonwhy people are fleeing Brooklyn and other cities in New York is due to fear – and I don’t mean the fear of COVID-19. The exodus is occurring because the cities have become UNSAFE by way of negligence from their radical liberal-progressive mayors. Mayors Giuliani and Bloomberg invested many, many years of hard work to make New York one of the safest large cities in the world. Mayor de Blasio has been able to undo that in just his very short time in office. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see what’s happened to the city.

Joey L.

YELLING

Thanks for printing the article about the negative impact of yelling at our children (“Yelling Is a Choice”). Mr. Setton’s helpful tips were very informative. I would like to share another tip with your readers. When you get angry, it is probably a good indicator that you need a little break. Go to the bathroom, or step outside for breath of fresh air, or just sit down and have a cupoftea.Teachyourkidsthis strategy, “I find myself getting angry, I think it means I need a break. I need a couple of minutes of quiet right now.”

Meryl N.

DEAR COMMUNITY,

Thank you for the beautiful article that you published in theJune2020issue,”Infectious Joy – Remembering Rabbi Chaim Dahan, a”h”. The family of Rabbi Chaim Dahan, zt’’l, is compiling stories, pictures, and video footage for the 11th month and 1st Yahrtzeit of my husband, coming up February 17th. If anyone has materials to share, please email: rabbichaimdahanmemories@ gmail.com. Thank you and Tizku l’misvot.

Mrs. Rivkah Dahan

Dear Jido – February 2021

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Dear Jido,

My wife came down with COVID and has been having a hard time getting over it. When she first started showing the symptoms, the test results were negative. A couple of days later, I carpooled with a friend to another friend’s house where seven other friends had gathered where we all wore masks (except to eat). Several days later, when my wife still wasn’t improving, I took her to an ER where they did another COVID test that came out positive. I thought I owed it to whomever I was around at the get-together to tell them about my wife. It has been more than 14 days since my wife got sick, and although she is not yet over the virus, I haven’t come down with it.

I thought my friends would be supportive of me and what my wife is going through. However, I learned from one of these “friends” of more than 15 years that they formed a private group chat to discuss how each one has been doing on a daily basis and I was not invited to participate. I feel betrayed by these paranoid friends. At this point, I don’t think I can ever look at any of them the same way. I have been contemplating ending my friendship with all of them. What do you think?

Signed,

Snubbed

Dear Snubbed,

You bring out three very important questions with your question.

First – is it okay to hold a grudge? I think you know the answer to that. It’s no. That’s in fact what you would be doing if you cut off relations with them.

Number two – do I have to give them the benefit of the doubt? I think you know the answer to that one, too. The answer is yes. Could it be nothing more than an oversight on their part? They didn’t think you would mind? They thought perhaps you had your own chat with others who DID get sick? After 120 cumulative years of friendship, it makes sense to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Those are the easy questions. Now comes the hard one. What should you do about it? You’re not going to like it – but this is what you should do.

The next time you see one of them, put your arms out and give him a hug. Tell him, “Joey, I missed you so much, how the heck are you? How are the boys? I haven’t seen you all in such a long time.” Hug him so hard that you put all the broken pieces back together again. Make like nothing happened. And if you do, it will be like nothing happened. They probably never gave this a second thought. It’s up to you to let it pass.

BTW – I would be remiss if I didn’t ask – how’s your wife feeling? Better, I hope.

Jido

Magen David Yeshiva HS Students Find Their Place by Exploring Their Roots

Community Magazine

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January 2021

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Magen David Yeshiva HS Students Find Their Place by Exploring Their Roots

Last month, Magen David Yeshivah HS treated their “9th grade scholar students” to a tour of Magen David Synagogue of 67th street in Bensonhurst. As part of the 9th grade scholars seminar, the students got to explore their place within the larger community. Mr. Eddie Ashkenazi, alumnus of Magen David High School, highlighted the history of our community’s move to Brooklyn and the struggles and successes the community faced. The students spent the afternoon discussing our 100-year history in Brooklyn and the community’s core values, which include learning Torah and giving charity.

Council Members Seek to Stop Flooding

(L-R) Kalman Yeger, Simcha Eichenstein,
Chaim Deutsch, and Simcha Felder.

Council members Chaim Deutsch and Kalman Yeger, Assembly member Simcha Eichenstein, and State Sen. Simcha Felder, all of whom represent Southern Brooklyn districts, sent a letter to the Departments of Environmental Protection and Transportation calling for the immediate fixing of conditions that led to flooding in Borough Park and Flatbush. “The safety hazard this poses to children, seniors, and individuals with disabilities is of great concern. The approaching winter weather will quickly turn rain and snow to dangerous black ice. While the drainage system throughout our districts is undoubtedly in dire need of updating, the most heavily affected areas must be addressed quickly,” the lawmakers wrote.

Dirshu Daf HaYomi B’Halacha Corona-Compliant Siyumim Held Throughout Israel

What does Dirshu do to celebrate the tremendous milestone of completing an entire helek of Mishnah Berurah during an era of Corona restrictions?

They do things the way Dirshu always does things! They work with the circumstances in a way that is sensitive to public health and government regulations while simultaneously going out of their way to convey their admiration for lomdei Torah and give hizuk.

Throughout the ups and downs of the global, terrible pandemic, which brought the world to a standstill, Dirshu learners and test takers continued unabated. Often, learning was done by phone or Zoom and in each locale, tests were taken in various innovative ways and venues. “In fact,” said Dirshu hanhalah member Rabbi Shlomo Rozenstein, “During the pandemic we needed the zechutim of limud haTorah even more and our lomdim didn’t disappoint!”

Rabbi Rozenstein continued, “Under normal circumstances, Dirshu would have made a large gathering were many thousands would have come together to celebrate this milestone. Instead, scores of siyumim were held in Eretz Yisrael in many different cities, most outdoors and all in a socially distanced, compliant way.”

Deutsch Combats Digital Terrorism and Anti-Semitism

Last month, Councilmember Chaim Deutsch helped allocate a combined $115,000 under the City Council’s Digital Inclusion Initiative to fund Simon Wiesenthal Center’s Combat Digital Terrorism and Hate Project. SWC’s program will be brought to New York City public middle and high schools during this academic year, at a time when anti-Semitism, racism, bigotry, and all other forms of online hate are dramatically increasing. “In recent years, we have seen an unfortunate rise in hate speech online translating into physically violent acts. The Simon Wiesenthal Center’s program to combat digital hate is fulfilling a critical need in teaching young people to identify and combat hate online,” said Deutsch.