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PROPEL Profile in Courage: Lauren Dayan

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February 2021

Lauren Dayan likes to say, “I’m just like all mothers.” But it’s hard to believe! A graduate of Hillel Yeshiva, Lauren married shortly after her 18th birthday. A “normal life” followed. After three sons, Lauren was ecstatic to discover that she was expecting a girl. But when Renee was born, life took a turn. Lauren held Renee for a few minutes, then she was whisked away to the NICU. Renee’s journey with challenges still continues today. After shuttling from hospital to hospital, Renee ended up in Boston Children’s Hospital where she remained for almost a year. Lauren would spend all week with Renee and then fly home for weekends to be with the rest of her family. Lauren says that she could not have gotten through everything without their love and support. When Renee came home, Lauren recalls, “I could accept our ‘new normal’ or say, ‘Why me?’ Everyone has challenges – and this was ours.” Community volunteers stepped up to help. Lauren says, “My sons (now 20, 22, and 24) are amazing. They have helped shape my life. Their compassion, love, and support for their sister and Mommy helped me to continue to be the mother that I am.”

When Renee was preschool age, Lauren contacted Magen David, but warned them, “She isn’t like a normal kid.” Rabbi Hilsenrath responded, “What’s normal?!” and Renee was accepted. With Terri Mizrahi’s leadership, Renee came to school with a nurse and received the special services she required. With Renee at school, Lauren determined to return to school herself. She wanted to help others and decided to pursue a career in occupational therapy. She earned her associate degree at Kingsborough Community College, then transferred to Brooklyn College.

At age 11, Renee transferred to the Shefa School, a Jewish community day school that specializes in special education. At Shefa, Renee quickly became part of the school family. One day, the psychologist called and said, “Renee’s not acting right.” But by the time Renee got home, she seemed her usual self. That weekend, as she was studying for finals, Lauren noticed Renee began slurring her words and complained of numbness in her arm. Having just taken a course in stroke and aphasia, Lauren says, “I knew something was going on. A round of hospital visits and misdiagnoses began. The family pediatrician said that Renee was having transient strokes, where she would “space out” and, by the time they got to the hospital, be back to herself. Renee’s parents were told that these episodes were just psychological and behavioral issues. Not convinced, the Dayans returned to Boston Children’s Hospital, to discover that Renee was having strokes and needed brain surgery, which would be scheduled in a few months. In the meantime, Renee continued to go to school, with Lauren at her side.

Lauren reminisces, “We plan and Gd laughs.” Renee had a massive stroke, which led to yet another year in the hospital. Before Renee’s homecoming, the house was modified to meet her needs. Nurses, therapists, family members, and volunteers were engaged to help. With Lauren coordinating the entire picture, life became normal. Renee was bussed to school at Blythedale Children’s Hospital in Westchester County, and Lauren returned to college. Then Renee caught the flu and almost died. Lauren got permission to learn remotely – before COVID! This continued when the pandemic struck, and all colleges transitioned to distance learning. Lauren achieved her degree with the high honor of summa cum laude.

At this point, Lauren’s future focus changed. Inspired by Renee’s doctors, therapists, and caregivers, Lauren explored how she could help other parents who experience sudden trauma. Her experiences taught her that she could be a source of compassion and support. Lauren started a group at Blythedale for parents “who I met in the hallway whose lives were turned upside down.” Lauren felt they needed to hear from others that even though things would be different, they would be okay. “Perfect,” she says, “is boring.” COVID complicated matters. For three months, Renee could not leave the hospital, and family could not visit. Now, Renee goes home for Shabbat through Sunday to be with her family.

Lauren set her sights on the Social Work program at Columbia University. She reached out to PROPEL for help with the application process. Working with the PropelED team, Lauren was accepted for the next cohort. She will begin her graduate studies in September 2021. Lauren’s immediate goal is to get Renee home with the care that she needs. Lauren knows that it will be a challenge to be a wife, mother, caregiver, and graduate student. But, she says, “I feel that Hashem helped me through all these hurdles – this is just another one.”

How Our Beliefs Affect Our Children

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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TAMMY SASSOON, M.S.ED

Although there is so much more to parenting than how to get kids to cooperate, it is usually the first question people ask when they call to schedule a consultation.

Discipline is just one piece of the parenting puzzle, but it is a very important piece, and every home needs it in order to function in a healthy way.

Let us work with the key principle that children act according to what their parents believe about them. You can have a mother who is blind, deaf, and mute, but whatever she is feeling about her child will be sensed by him or her through the mother’s vibes.

TAKE THE FOLLOWING EXAMPLE:

Two mothers each have eight-year-old boys with tons of energy. Mother A gets excellent cooperation while her son remains very energetic in a healthy way. After all, biology and temperament are natural, right? Mother B’s life is a nightmare. She cannot get her son to follow a single instruction in the house. After all, biology and temperament are natural, right?

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

Mother A believes that every single child is capable of being respectful, regardless of energy level, so she is experiencing that respect with her son. Mother B, who worries that maybe her child is not capable of being respectful, will see that he is not respectful of her. Mother A feels relaxed knowing that every child has a unique place in the world, and she simply looks for effective parenting strategies to help her son utilize his tremendous amount of energy in a positive way. She reads books and consults with experts from time to time. Mother B is so worried about her son that he feels her worry vibes, and then starts to believe that he is a source of worry to his family. This stress causes him to act in ways that his mother believes are appropriate for him.

When our children misbehave (both children and adults do make mistakes sometimes), we need to remain calm, even amidst the pain we may feel, so that they get the message that mistakes don’t define people. We want our children to always remember that they are a piece of Hashem, and their misbehaviors are nothing more than a poor choice.

Each moment is a new fresh moment, so never interact with your child today in a way that shows you are stuck on the mistake they made yesterday.

I can personally attest that I have never met a client whose children were incapable of accepting authority and limits. There is a wealth of information on exactly how to set the limits, but that’s for another article. Before you even learn any strategies, make sure that your mindset is in check with healthy thinking: Every child is capable of being respectful. No exceptions. Set limits with love and confidence, and watch where it takes your family.

One on One with Mozeelle Forman

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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ELLEN GELLER KAMARAS

Mozelle Forman, née Kassin, is a creative, passionate, and giving person and is a woman of many talents. She is a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, a writer, and an artist. On a personal level, she is a loving daughter, sister, mother, and savta. Mozelle is so proud of her children and is over the moon about her grandchildren!

Before our interview, I watched a video of Mozelle’s on marriage counseling. I was moved by the empathy in her voice and the joy I heard as she described a couple’s journey “to heal and grow.” When we talked, I noticed the authentic and heartfelt desire and passion to help her clients navigate their relationships effectively.

FAMILY HISTORY

Mozelle, daughter of Carol Calderone and Meyer J. Kassin, zt”l, is the oldest of five children. Meyer was the first of his siblings to be born in the U.S. and Carol was born in Alexandria, Egypt, raised in Israel where she served in the army, and later moved to the United States. Meyer’s father, Rabbi Jacob Kassin, zt”l, was the chief rabbi of the Sephardic community for 60 years. Meyer’s brother, Rabbi Shaul Kassin, zt”l, devoted his energies to the spiritual growth of the community until his passing in 2018. Meyer’s brother-in-law Hacham Baruch ben Haim, zt”l, was married to Meyer’s sister Charlotte, and dedicated his life to educating and guiding the community for over 50 years.

From the beginning of our interview, it was clear how much Mozelle’s family’s legacy of love of Torah, Israel, and community shaped her into the woman she is today. Since she was a little girl, Mozelle was aware of the huge contributions made by her rabbinical grandfather and uncles. Her father, Meyer, zt”l, earned rabbinical smicha and then went on to join his brothers in business. Meyer dedicated significant time and great effort as a community leader. He served as President in several shuls, both in Brooklyn and Deal (including Shaare Zion, Deal Synagogue, and Ohel Yaakob).

Carol, a loving and devoted stay-at-home mom, was also a very significant role model for Mozelle. Mozelle observed her mother’s empathic manner and her uncanny intuitiveness to read people and to know how to advise them. Mozelle processed the positive messages she received, recognizing that “this is what we do in life, we help people however best we can, that we lead by serving the community we love and respect.”

EDUCATION

Mozelle attended Magen David Yeshivah elementary school, where she graduated as Valedictorian, and Yeshivah of Flatbush High School. She takes pride in being a “lifelong learner.”

Mozelle studied at Brooklyn College after high school and married Emile Mimran while she was in college. She majored in English, and gave birth to their first child, Carolyn, while she was earning her bachelor’s degree. Mozelle opted to be a stay-at- home mom when her children were young. She also managed to carve out time to volunteer at Sephardic Bikur Holim and Sephardic Community Center. Serving the community was a given for her. To Mozelle, family was also her legacy and meant everything to her. “Family and community are intertwined for me.” Adam was born two years after Carolyn and Reina, the youngest, followed three years later.

When Reina was six and in school full-time, Mozelle resumed her studies, and given her family legacy, she chose social work as “the best way to serve our community.” She enrolled in Wurzweiler School of Social Work and earned a master’s degree in Social Work in two years. Fortunately, Mozelle was on the same schedule as her children. “It was a wonderful experience, they were so excited. They would say, ‘Mommy, go do your homework! Did you study for your test? Mommy, can we make you lunch?’ Because I was busy with school, my children became more independent and stepped up to the plate in age-appropriate ways.”

CAREER PATH BEGINNINGS IN SOCIAL WORK

After receiving her MSW, Mozelle’s first job as a licensed clinical social worker was at the SCC in Brooklyn, where she was placed as a student intern during grad school. Mozelle became the Director of Social Services. She was later employed at Ilan High School for 12 years and wore many hats there including Director of Student Services.

Mozelle loved working with students. She was strongly influenced by Dr. Haim Ginott (1922-1973), who was a highly respected teacher, child psychologist, psychotherapist, and parent educator. He taught parents how to use a language of compassion and understanding and he believed that both parents and teachers should lead and inspire by example. “Treat a child as though he already is the person he’s capable of becoming,” he wrote in his best-selling book Between Parent and Child.

PRIVATE PRACTICE AS A RELATIONSHIP THERAPIST

While she was at Ilan High School, Mozelle started to build her private practice and pursued her training as a relationship therapist. The Imago Relationship Theory really spoke to Mozelle. Imago, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, is a form of relationship and couples therapy that focuses on transforming conflict into healing and on growth through relational connection. “We are all trying to heal and grow. We do that in relationships, and in marriage you are going to find someone who is going to challenge you to be better than you are. The challenges can be painful but are also a sign of growth.” Mozelle was mentored in Imago by Hedy Schleifer, an internationally known master relationship builder.

Mozelle refers to individual and couples therapy as “relationship counseling.” “I believe if we lived in a bubble, by ourselves, we would have no issues; it’s only in relationships that we get triggered, and that’s when we are tested in how well we are doing and how well we can interact. I ask a client: ‘What is it that you are doing or not doing that is impacting your relationship?’

“Individually, we each bring something to a third entity, the marriage, which becomes the client. I encourage couples to learn to communicate what they need rather than blaming each other for what is wrong. Observing ‘what happens to our marriage when I do A and you do B, and what can we do to make that different?’ is the ultimate focus of my work with couples.”

Mozelle has become a sought-after speaker for many of our community’s institutions. She has developed parenting and marital workshops for SBH, communication workshops for Hillel Yeshiva, and teacher training workshops for many schools.

MOZELLE’S CREATIVE SIDE

In addition to relationship therapy, Mozelle’s passions include writing and art.

Mozelle always enjoyed expressing herself through words and loved writing as a graduate student. When her children were little, Mozelle was asked to create a poem to be used in a Mother’s Day card that was sold to raise funds for Magen David Yeshivah and she published a weekly newsletter at Ilan High School. Mozelle is a contributing writer for Community Magazine and for several years she authored a monthly column called “Healthy Homelife.” Her goal was to raise awareness and provide tools for building healthy marriages and relationships. Mozelle was honored to write an article for Community Magazine about the 13th Siyum HaShas, a global celebration of the daily DafYomiTalmudstudyprogram. Ayearago,Mozellegaveupwritingthe “Healthy Homelife” column to pursue her current passion of painting with pastels.

Mozelle began to paint with pastels as a hobby and discovered that she loved it! She joined a pastel society and submitted her paintings to competitions. Mozelle won the top award at the Waltuch Gallery in Tenafly. The prize was to have her own solo show where she sold several of her paintings. “It was so thrilling that this hobby parlayed into something wonderful, a new career.” (Check out Mozelle’s paintings on her website, http:// mozelleformanfineart.com/)

THE COVID-19 PIVOT

Mozelle continued to exhibit her paintings at other galleries and then COVID-19 hit. Although her planned shows were cancelled, she still paints almost daily in her dedicated studio and she shares her work on Instagram. “Painting has kept me sane during the pandemic and I find it very gratifying and soothing to create and share my works.”

In response to the uptick in anxiety that the pandemic has generated, Mozelle developed a four-part workshop at SBH to address community members’ anxieties. She has also provided grief counseling and other support services to her clients and to the community.

To relax, Mozelle loves to read historical fiction, mysteries, and detective stories and she enjoys yoga and Pilates.

You can connect with Mozelle by email at mozelleforman@ gmail.com or on Instagram @mozelle.forman.

The Case – A Lost Memory

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Sara and Alan were newly married. They enjoyed an extravagant wedding, even during the height of a pandemic. The flowers, music, catering, and photography were from the finest service providers in the industry. Sometime after the wedding, they were informed by Jack, the photographer, that his main office was robbed and the burglars stole all of his valuable equipment, including the pictures and video of their wedding. Sara and Alan were devastated by the news and claimed that Jack was required to return the payment for his services and provide steep monetary compensation for their misfortune. They added that there was ample time between the wedding and the theft during which Jack could have stored their file on a backup online system. Jack responded that since he fully serviced the couple on the night of their wedding, he was entitled to most of the $6,000 he was already paid. As per compensating the couple for the stolen pictures and video, Jack dismissed the offensive claim. Jack explained that he locked his office door as usual only to return the next day to the scene of a full-fledged burglary. He added that the couple were selfishly thinking of their own loss and not of his far more substantial one. He responded that if the office was safe enough for his valuable equipment it was safe enough to store their wedding file.
Is Jack entitled to his wages? Is he required to compensate Sara and Alan for the loss of all their wedding memories? How should

the Bet Din rule and why?

Torah Law

According to the ruling of the Shulhan Aruch, a manufacturer that does not deliver an ordered product is responsible to return the advanced funds to the buyer. The manufacturer is required to return the funds regardless of whether his inability to deliver the product was due to his negligence or due to circumstances beyond his control. Since he is unable to deliver the ordered product, the buyer is entitled to a full refund.

Nevertheless, a manufacturer unable to deliver the product is only liable to return the money that was advanced. He is not responsible for any other loss or damages sustained by the buyer that resulted from the undelivered product.

By rule of the Shulhan Aruch, an employee is liable for damages caused by loss, theft, or negligence of the material entrusted to him by his employer. Not only does he forfeit his wages on account of his negligence, but as mentioned, he is also responsible for the cost of damage sustained to the employer. As opposed to a manufacturer who owns the product until its delivery, an employee or contractor is liable for damage of a product entrusted to him by his employer.

Based on the terms and nature of an agreement, a Bet Din will determine whether a service provider is deemed by law as a manufacturer selling a product, or as an employee. As aforementioned, a seller or manufacturer of a product is not responsible for any other damages other than retuning to the customer any advanced payment.

An employee is usually not required by law to monetarily compensate his employer for the emotional distress he caused. A lost item of only sentimental value is not necessarily collectable even in the case of negligence.

VERDICT Get the Picture?!

Our Bet Din ruled in partial favor of Sara and Alan and required Jack the photographer to reimburse them in full. Since Jack did not supply the couple with either the pictures or the video they ordered, he is required to return the entire sum of $6,000 advanced. The operating agreement between the couple and Jack was not based on an hourly wage, but rather on the delivery of pictures, albums, and an edited video. Hence, in the absence of delivery of the products ordered, Jack is required to return the money without withholding wages as an employee.

Nevertheless, Sara and Alan’s claim for compensation for the anguish of the stolen pictures was rejected. Jack, like any other manufacturer, is not required by law to pay for damages caused by his inability to deliver a product. Just as a retailer is not entitled to compensation for lost profits from a wholesaler unable to deliver, Jack is not required to reimburse the couple for the loss of their wedding pictures.

Furthermore, even if we view Jack as a contracted employee, his failure to save the files of the wedding in an online system is apparent negligence. He is therefore not entitled to his wages. Although a contractor is responsible for damages to a product resulting from his negligence, one can argue that the loss of wedding pictures is strictly sentimental and has little intrinsic monetary value.

However, as mentioned, our Bet Din viewed Jack as an independent seller since the operating agreement indicates that he was not a contracted employee. As a seller of a product, he is clearly not liable to compensate them for their anguish.

You be the judge!

THROUGH THE ROOF

David, a professional roofer, hired workers to assist him with the repair of a roof in the local neighborhood. The workers, who were close friends of David, abandoned the job midway through the work, causing substantial damage. As a result of the damage, David was required to remove the partial roof already worked on, in order to start again with a different set of workers. In Bet Din, David demanded that the workers pay him for his loss on account of their deliberate decision to abandon the work site. The workers responded that they were not roofers by trade and that they merely volunteered to help David with his job. They claimed that they only volunteered to help him since he was very shorthanded on account of COVID-19. They added that they were never officially hired to do the job, as no specific wages were ever discussed. They explained that after two hours of work in the freezing outdoors they expressed to David that they realized that were in for more than they had signed up for. David responded that he had every intent to pay them in full for their services. Furthermore, David persisted that once they agreed to assist, they were responsible to complete the job.

IS DAVID ENTITLED TO COLLECT DAMAGES FROM THE DEFENDANTS?

HOW SHOULD THE BET DIN RULE AND WHY?

YOU BE THE JUDGE and send your response to YouJudge@CommunityM.com

Verdicts – and the accompanying rationale – will be reviewed by the Rosh Bet Din. The first three correct submissions received before the deadline will win a $50 gift certificate to a Community Magazine advertiser! Correct entries will receive honorable mention in the next issue when the Rosh Bet Din’s verdict is printed.

Purim Q&A with Rabbis Hayim & Moshe Arking

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Purim Q&A with Rabbis Hayim & Moshe Arking

READING THE MEGILLAH

The reading of the Megillah is a way to perform the mitsvah of pirsum hanes
– publicizing the Purim miracle. Women, as well as men, are obligated to
hear the reading of the Megillah, as women were also under the threat of annihilation. Furthermore, a woman – namely Queen Esther – played a significant role in the miracle. Children should also hear the Megillah (as long as they behave appropriately!).

Can I eat before hearing the Megillah?

One should not eat until he or she hears the Megillah, both for the night and morning readings. If one is very thirsty or hungry, he may eat or drink a small amount.

Do I need my own Megillah?

Although having a kosher Megillah is commendable, it is not necessary to fulfill the mitsvah. Due to the sanctity of the scroll, one who touches the parchment of a Megillah without a kerchief is required to wash his hands first. If one has already washed his hands before prayers, his hands are considered ritually clean and he need not wash again.

Even if one does not have a Megillah scroll, he should still follow along with the hazan by using his own printed Megillah, a Tanach, or any other text. This will enhance his focus and enable him to catch up on some missed words if need be. He should, however, be careful not to read along out loud with the hazan.

If I was late to the Megillah reading can I listen from where they are up to and hear what I missed afterward?

The Megillah has to be read in order. However, if one is only a minute or so late, he may catch up by reading from his own Megillah or a Tanach, provided that at least half of the Megillah was heard from the hazan, or he himself is reading from a kosher Megillah. The berachot should be recited before he starts to read.

What if I tuned out for a few seconds?

One must hear every word of the Megillah. If you know where the reader is up to because you have been following along, then you are good, even if your mind wandered a bit. However, if you missed a few words, you can make them up by quickly reading them yourself from any text.

MISHLOACH MANOT

Mishloach manot – sending gifts – is one of the exciting mitsvot of the day, which was instituted to increase camaraderie. The decree of Haman to wipe out the Jews was sold to Ahashverosh on the premise that the Jews were not united. We, therefore, renew and reinvigorate friendships by sending each other gifts of love.

Who must give?

Men and women, and boys and girls over thirteen years of age, are obligated to give mishloach manot. Younger children should also give as hinuch – training in mitsvot. A married couple should each fulfill their mitsvah individually, a man giving to men, and a woman to women. One can, and some say preferably, give mishloach manot through an agent.

When should I give?

The obligation to give mishloach manot can only be fulfilled during the daytime. If you ordered a package before Purim to be delivered to a friend (even through Amazon), the obligation will be fulfilled only if it arrives on Purim day.

What should I give?

Preferably one should give something respectable that befits the stature and honor of both the person giving and the recipient. One should give at least one of their mishloach manot in a way that meets this requirement.

To fulfill one’s obligation, one must give two different food items that are ready-to-eat. Drinks are also counted as an item; however, a plain water bottle or seltzer is not counted. Teabags or a bag of ground coffee are not ready-to-eat foods. However, a hot or iced coffee, tea or other flavored beverage does fulfill the requirement of a ready-to-eat item for mishloach manot.

How many should I give?

One fulfills his obligation by giving to one person. The more one gives the better, as you are creating more friendships. If one has a choice between giving more money to the poor or to give more mishloach manot, it is better to give more money to the poor. There is no greater happiness than making the hearts of poor people, widows, and orphans happy! (Rambam)

MATANOT LA’EVYONIM – GIFTS TO THE NEEDY

How much do I give?

The mitsvah is to give to at least two poor people. Some say one can give each poor person a perutah, a small amount. Others say one should give enough to buy a meal, which could range between five and twenty dollars. In practice, one should give the preferred amount for at least the first two poor people. To any additional poor people, one may give as he wishes – the more the better.

To whom should I give the money?

One fulfills his obligation of matanot la’evyonim by giving poor people that struggle financially with basic needs. This can be done easily by giving the appropriate amount to trusted people or organizations collecting on behalf of the poor.

Can I send the money before Purim?

Yes, so as long as the money is received by the poor person on the actual day of Purim.

DAY OF SALVATION

How Should I Spend My Free Time on Purim?

Purim is an exceptional day for giving tsedakah, increasing friendships, praying, and Torah study. On Purim the law is that “whoever extends his hand for charity, we should give and provide.”

That is to say, throughout the year we should check the credentials of one asking for charity; whereas on Purim, a day of giving, we should give to all poor people who stretch out their hand.

This is true in regard to prayers as well – whoever stretches out his hand to Hashem, He will provide. There are many remarkable stories of salvation for those who prayed sincerely on Purim.

Let us use this special day to give and to pray, and may all our prayers be answered speedily. Amen.

PURIM Embracing our Latent Self

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Purim is a time when what is normally hidden away gets revealed, and we put aside our external facades for a bit. What is the underlying lesson of this holiday, and why do we celebrate it every year?

Jews don’t have holidays.

That is to say, we don’t simply commemorate historical events with days of vacation and parties. Jewish history is filled with events both tragic and wonderful, and with very few exceptions, they are hardly even remembered today. Though our calendar is replete with days that are anchored in events from ancient times, none of those are simply commemorative. On Pesah, for instance, we are not merely memorializing the Egyptian exodus, rather we are reaffirming our unique identity as Hashem’s Firstborn. On Shavuot we rededicate ourselves to the study and upholding of the Torah. And so it is with every one of our Holy Days.

An Unusual Holiday

This pattern seems to break when it comes to Purim. We read the Megillah, where we find a long story of hashgaha (Divine intervention) and nes nistar (hidden miracles). A terrible danger was averted in a miraculous fashion, and the nation was saved. Truly a reason to celebrate. But why every year? There were other times when the entire nation was in existential danger. Though the very heavens opened, and the angels’ song wiped away our enemies, we don’t commemorate the destruction of Sanheriv’s armies, for example. What was unique about the miracle of Purim that deserved a permanent entry into the Jewish calendar?

Turnabout is Fair Play

Perhaps the most unique aspect of the miracle of Purim was the large number of reversals that occurred. Esther the tzadeket being taken by force to live with a non-Jew was a personal tragedy that turned into a national salvation. Haman in his ego building oversized gallows was partly to blame for his getting strung up on those same gallows. The appointment of Mordechai the Torah Sage to adjudicate Persian disputes at the king’s gate turned into an opportunity for him to uncover the assassination plot. And there were many others, culminating in the greatest of them all – Haman’s mobilization of the anti-Semitic army gave rise to their own annihilation. The story of the Megillah is woven throughout with the theme.

Let us examine this a bit more. The Gemara (Megillah 12a) gives two reasons that we deserved Haman’s decree of annihilation. The first was in the days of Nebuchadnezzar. The king erected a gigantic statue of himself and declared that all his subjects must do him homage by coming and bowing to his image. The vast majority of Jews in that time decided to follow the king’s decree rather than provoking his anger. They felt it was better to just blend in. By doing so, we provoked the anger of Hashem instead.

The second event that brought down Heavenly judgment was that recorded at the start of the Megillah. King Ahashverosh threw a lavish 180-day party, inviting all of Shushan to attend and participate. The Jews of the city, again not wanting to be left out, came and enjoyed – against the express warnings of Mordechai. Hashem saw us feasting while the king (erroneously) celebrated the end to Jewish hopes and decreed that we be wiped out.

The common thread between these two events is that we chose to go along with the gentiles, to blend in and be good citizens. We just wanted to get along with our new neighbors and show the government that we won’t be any trouble. And that’s exactly what nearly brought calamity.

The Purpose of Galut

Hashem tells us through the words of the prophet (Yehezkel 20:32-33), “This that you imagine, that you will (now that the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed) become like one of the other nations, will not be. Rather I will rule over you with power and with fury.” After we were exiled from our land, many among us believed that it meant the end of the Jewish Nation as the unique ambassadors of Hashem in this world. We felt that it was time to fade into the background and become a nation like all the others. So, we bowed to the idol. We attended the party. We became just one more nation. Hashem, however, would have none of that.

The Midrash (Esther Rabbah 6:7) states, “Hashem said to the Jews: you wept that you were orphans with no father (Eicha 5:3), therefore the one whom I will choose to deliver you (Esther) will have no parents.” The choice of an orphan to be the one to bring deliverance was specifically meant as a rebuke to our statement that “we have no Father.” Even when cast out of our land, our Temple in ruins, we always have our Father in Heaven. The purpose of Galut was not to cast us away, but to teach us this lesson precisely.

Our identity as Hashem’s personal representatives is not tied to any place or time. We don’t need to be in Hashem’s house in order to spread awareness of His existence. We can be at the opposite end of the world, deep in the Persian Empire, and still live lives of holiness. When we tried to blend in, Hashem sent us the decree of Haman, which singled out every Jew and targeted him for destruction. Hashem was ruling over us with power and fury, as promised.

Message Received

Rabbi Shelomo Alkabetz explains in Manot Halevi (Esther 8:17) that the rejoicing of the Jews when hearing word of their deliverance was tied to their mourning that occurred earlier in the story. Earlier (4:3) it states that “There was great mourning for the Jews,” and at the end it says “happiness and rejoicing for the Jews.” The evil decree was targeted at Jews. As such, we could have “renounced our citizenship” completely and given up our Jewish identity. It might have saved us from annihilation. Instead, we mourned as Jews. We took to heart the message that Hashem sent us and doubled down on our Jewish identity. That being the case, we merited the salvation, and to rejoice again in our Jewishness.

By counterintuitively highlighting our Jewishness rather than hiding it, we achieved complete teshuva for the previous errors of trying to blend in. We got the message that our job is far from over, and we rededicated ourselves to keeping the Torah even without the Temple. That was how we merited the miracle of v’nahafoch hu – the roles reversed and the persecuted were able to rule over their oppressors (Esther 9:1).

The Lasting Impact

Now we see the unique lasting power of Purim. We are not merely celebrating a miraculous deliverance. It’s not just commemorating a national victory. Purim was a turning point in our history – just like the events marked by all the other holidays. This was when we fully realized the unique mission of the Jewish Nation. Even dispersed among the nations of the world, we don’t lose our national identity or national mission. It is our job to hold our heads high and proudly show our Jewishness. We don’t pay homage to the frivolities of the other nations, and we don’t join in their empty celebrations. We follow a different Leader, and it’s our job to light the way for the rest.

My we all be zoche to carry out our mission with clarity and with pride, and to live a life as true emissaries of Hashem. In that merit, we will be able to return to our land and to our home.

Happy Purim!

The Sanctity of the Synagogue Project – Keeping Our Shuls Holy

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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The Sanctity of the Synagogue Project – Keeping Our Shuls Holy

Many refer to the current pandemic as a true plague, a magefah. COVID-19 dramatically transformed our lives in so many respects. We wear masks to work and when we shop, and our children must be masked when they are in school and outdoors. We can’t visit with elderly parents or grandparents, or socialize with friends and family at the Shabbat table or on holidays.

We practice social distancing, many have been furloughed from their jobs, and small businesses have suffered. Most importantly, we buried and mourned too many family members, friends, and colleagues.

For months, we couldn’t pray to Hashem with a minyan in shul. It was painful to see our rabbis praying in their own homes without a minyan. Most shuls were shut down in mid-March 2020 for the sake of pikuah nefesh – protecting lives. When we were permitted to return to shuls this past summer, we were able to do so in limited numbers, wearing masks and keeping socially distant.

This heartrending time period, when we were forced to pray in our own houses, provided an opportunity for many to reflect on why shuls had to close.

Did we offend Hashem and act disrespectfully?
Were we kept out of shul because of our inappropriate behavior? Do we need to make amends and change our conduct in shul?
A group of concerned community members asked these same questions. They created a pamphlet that would inspire shul goers to be more mindful in shul now that we are privileged and blessed, thank Gd, to be united again in our sanctuaries. They called this initiative the Sanctity of the Synagogue, or the Protective Shield Project (PSP).

Their mission is to raise awareness of how we can behave with the utmost respect and honor to Hashem when we come to shul. Let’s set an example for all communities worldwide. We need as much protection as possible in these trying times!

This beautifully designed, laminated, two-sided card sets forth recommended guidelines for shul conduct.

Mr. Morris S. Ashear and Mr. Harry Adjmi were instrumental in the successful distribution of one thousand cards to the pews of most shuls in the Deal area this past summer.

The pamphlets were reviewed and approved by several esteemed rabbis of the Brooklyn and the Jersey Shore communities.

The next step is to distribute these PSP cards in our community shuls in Brooklyn.

A bet kenesset, or shul, has always been regarded as a Mikdash me’at – a “mini” Bet Hamikdash. The Zohar Hakadosh explains that when the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed, parts of it dispersed throughout the world. Wherever a piece landed, a shul would eventually be built. When the prophet Yehezkel warned of the imminent destruction of the Bet Hamikdash, he mentioned that Hashem would keep “a miniature Temple” in Bavel (11:16). This is interpreted in the Talmud (Megillah 29a) to mean that bateh kenesiyot and bateh midrashot would exist worldwide, and that Jews in the Diaspora would also have a synagogue to pray in.

Examples of Do’s and Don’ts in Shul

1.A shul is a makom kadosh (sacred place), and not a venue for socializing or discussing business. Arguments and lashon hara (gossip and negative speech about other people) must also be avoided.

2.Adults can model positive behavior for our children, our future leaders.

3.Leave the outside world when you enter the shul, enjoy your tefillah and communicate with Hashem.

4. During the week, please close and put away your cell phones in shul.

5. Do not talk during Kaddish, Kohanim, and during the reading of the Sefer Torah, and Haftarah.

6. Be well-groomed and dress respectfully and modestly, even in the summer. You are entering shul to meet the Melech Hakadosh, the King.

We conclude with a berachah from Mr. Morris S. Ashear:

“Let us maximize our prayers, remember not to talk in k’nees, and conduct ourselves with dignity. If we all cooperate and follow these guidelines as a community, we can hope to, please Gd, minimize the prevalent anti-Semitism, provide the highest level of protection, create a Kiddush Hashem, make the world a better place, and bring about the coming of Mashiah.”

Please feel free to order pamphlets for your shul and send any requests or questions to: SanctityoftheShul@gmail.com. Details of the project’s soon-to-be-launched website will be forthcoming.

Ladies Who Hesed

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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When I first heard of a hesed enterprise called “Ladies Who Hesed,” I was a bit confused. One of the cofounders explained that the name is a take-off from “Ladies Who Lunch.” Now I understood – these ladies do hesed.

And how.

Preparing this article granted me the wonderful opportunity to meet two very special women who are busy raising their own young families, and yet find the time to help so many others, too. One of them, Marilyn Levy, also works as an interior designer, and the other, Margo Braha, is also involved in several other hesed organizations. As the interview unfolded, I felt that I was in the presence of greatness. Here is the next generation doing hesed. No fanfare. Just hesed of the highest order.

Ladies Who Hesed was born in the tight-knit community of Deal, NJ, where everyone knows everyone else, and people love to help each other. Our two protagonists began their enterprise by creating “meal trains,” or charts, supplying hot, fresh meals for new mothers. Through word of mouth, or via one of the popular chat groups, Margo and Marilyn arranged schedules to ensure that new mothers would be given meals for their families. Then, Marilyn and Margo were alerted that there was a new member of the community who experienced a loss, among other difficulties, and needed help. The ladies arranged meals for this family, too.

At one point, before one of the holidays, the cooks were busy cooking for their own families, and it seemed there would be a problem providing meals for everyone who needed. Marilyn suggested that the time had come to fundraise and buy readymade meals from reliable restaurants and caterers.

This had the added benefit of helping to support merchants suffering from the loss of business due to the coronavirus crisis. These same merchants, many of them food vendors, showed their gratitude by later sponsoring food shipments to families in need. Among these vendors are Nicole’s Kitchen, Nahum Bakery, Freddie’s Grill, Gluten Free SY, Sarah’s Tent, Ouri’s, SY Cuisine, Bloombar Flower Market, and Boutique Butcher.

Marilyn and Margo found themselves being the spokes in a wheel of hesed activities. They continued further, sharpening their antennae to sense needs which they could help fill without having to first be approached.

Margo was waiting for dismissal at her child’s preschool when she saw someone whose children were all grown. She approached her and asked, in a friendly manner, what she was doing there.

“A family member had surgery and the mom couldn’t come to pick up her daughter,” the woman explained.

Margo immediately set out to help the family.

With lightning speed, Margo and Marilyn’s foray into the world of hesed mushroomed, helping dozens of families in Deal, Brooklyn, and elsewhere. They are overwhelmed by the generosity of their sponsors. They are always on the lookout for hesed opportunities, and with the help of their sponsors they are making a huge difference, one hot meal at a time.

Margo and Marilyn love what they are doing, and they do it with passionate dedication and enthusiasm. They not only talk; they act. They exemplify the rabbinic teaching, “Hama’aseh hu ha’ikar – The main thing is action.”

Marilyn and Margo asked that we convey the following message to the community, thanking everyone for their outpouring of support and encouragement, and asking for continued assistance:

Hesed is our mission. We are so blessed to have the power to reach people
this way. This is, by far, the greatest adventure that we have ever been on. We say “adventure” because we don’t know what this journey will bring, or what we will be able to accomplish. We hope to continue this hesed mission for as long as the community allows us to.

Thank you to every single one of you who has supported us – not only to all the great hard workers in our local restaurants, groceries and butcher shops, and all the cooks in the kitchen, but also to all our friends and family who were behind us this whole time rooting us along. Whether you donated $1 or $100, you all helped us create Ladies Who Hesed, and we would not be able to do any of this without all of you.

If you would like to be a part of our adventure, whether you want to volunteer, sponsor, or donate, or if you have any questions, you can find us on Instagram @LadiesWhoHesed, or you can email us at: Ladieswhohesed@gmail.com.

We know giving tzedeka is important to all. We post Shabbat candle lighting times every week to give everyone the opportunity to Venmo us any amount.

Thank you again for all your support.

Marilyn & Margo Ladies Who Hesed

Will Weddings Ever Be The Same? Personal Accounts From Community Brides

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Will Weddings Ever Be The Same? Personal Accounts From Community Brides

Planning a wedding can be challenging, especially the way our community does it – typically, with just about three months from engagement to wedding.

Brides may have to compromise on their dream dress because a specific order usually takes three months just to come in, and then requires multiple fittings. They might have to borrow a dress or buy one that is available in a store. The couple and both families compile long lists of hundreds of family members, relatives, friends, and acquaintances, making sure not to leave anyone out, and that there are no doubles (there’s always some overlap in this tightknit community). They also have to find the right invitations, hall, florist, caterer, DJ, photographer, hair and makeup artist, and so on – not just for the wedding, but also for the le’haim, engagement party (yes some people have both), swanee, and shower.

All this packed into just three months. The pressure is tremendous, but somehow, it all gets done.

When Plans Go Awry

Now imagine for a moment spending all this time, money and effort, and just days before the wedding, the whole world shuts down. You planned, imagined, and paid for a huge room packed with hundreds of guests, but suddenly, people are scared to be in the same room as their parents.

This has happened to countless brides and grooms all over the world, and it was devastating. The difference between us and the rest of the world is that we don’t postpone weddings. It’s not our custom. So weddings weren’t delayed, but rather reduced from hundreds of people to a handful. In at least one known case, a community bride and groom both had COVID-19 at their wedding, were symptomatic, and had fewer than five people present at their nuptials.

As time passed, and we learned a little more about the virus that shut the world down towards the end of March 2020, strategies to avoid passing and catching the virus started becoming normalized. If you wanted to visit with family, you did so from a distance, outdoors, and if you wanted to be extra cautious, you wore a mask.

With the popularization of social distancing (keeping a distance of at least six feet from anyone apart from your household members) came outdoor weddings. They started out small, and as time went on, things changed. A major factor in this change for our community was the annual move from Brooklyn and Manhattan to the Jersey Shore which typically happens in the summer months. This year, many community members moved into their summer houses as early as March in order to quarantine near nature and in larger houses. Weddings, too, started moving to Jersey Shore homes in the early spring, for a number of reasons. First, gatherings of any kind became a criminal offense in New York. The New Jersey Governor, Phil Murphy, adjusted the maximum number of permitted guests as the pandemic went on, allowing more people as the case numbers gradually decreased – in stark contrast to the New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo, who continually imposed tighter restrictions, notably targeting Jewish neighborhoods. And New Jersey houses offered more outdoor space for larger weddings. You could safely invite more guests because they could properly distance.

Downsized Weddings

Gradually, as time went on, things began to shift. We moved from the phase of downsizing planned weddings, to planning downsized weddings. A couple would get engaged outdoors during the pandemic, and plan to have a wedding in just weeks instead of months so they could have an outdoor backyard wedding in Jersey, instead of a who-knows-what kind of wedding in New York in the fall or winter. This past summer, News Agency NJ.com wrote about this phenomenon, reporting that the borough of Deal saw a massive uptick in issued marriage licenses in 2020 – as opposed to the three or four licenses issued in an average year, a whopping 30 were issued just in the summer of 2020!

Here are a few stories of brides who got married amid the pandemic in 2020.

Marcy J Cohen

I got engaged on May 21st. It would have happened sooner, but my husband is an essential worker, and since he was on the front lines when the pandemic hit, he contracted Covid right at the beginning.

I understand that for many it was hard cutting down on guests, but this was my second wedding, so it actually worked to my advantage. My fiancée and I decided to split the cost of the wedding, since my father had already thrown me my first wedding. And there’s something special about a small, intimate wedding where every person in the room is close to you and genuinely happy and excited about your simha.

The event was supposed to take place at a brand new hall in New Jersey, and we were set to be the first wedding there. If we learned anything from 2020, it was to expect the unexpected. Just ten days before our wedding, the hall backed out. They were worried because of the state’s changing Covid policies, and decided it wasn’t worth the risk. So we had to adjust everything. We decided to make it a backyard wedding. Unfortunately, since it was so last minute, we were unable to get a tent. This added to the stress, as we were constantly checking the weather, and the forecast wasn’t looking good. Each day we checked, and each day it said rain. We just kept planning, praying, and arranging. There is not much else we could have done.

Wedding planning never ends up just right, but due to the pandemic, we had a lot of major and minor inconveniences. We had to hire security guards to check the guests’ temperature, we set up sanitization stations, and we offered masks. File these under “minor inconveniences.” As far as major inconveniences…we missed out on a “party all night” wedding. All that stressful planning and money went into a 2.5-hour event. And, it didn’t just rain; it poured. It was hot and sweaty – and then a torrential thunderstorm hit.

If I could do it over, I’d get a tent, with air conditioning. But that’s about it. Everyone we really wanted to be there was there for us. Our wedding was filled with love and joy. Everyone wanted to be there, and no one left until it was over.

My advice to other brides would be: don’t sweat the small stuff! Only invite people you want – or those you feel you have to, and no matter the weather, it will be so special, so just be excited!

Pennie Shamah

When the pandemic hit, it didn’t occur to me that it would affect my wedding, because we were planning to get engaged only in the summer, and married in November. But as time went on, and it was clear that this virus wasn’t going away, our plans shifted. We started thinking of getting married in the summer, because we had no idea what hall we’d be able to book by the fall.

We got engaged on a fishing trip in mid-June. At the end of a fishing rod was a fake engagement ring, and at first, I thought he really fished it. Then he got down on one knee and took out a box with the real one. We went back to my father’s house to celebrate, and then decided that’s where the wedding would take place. We chose the date August 30th to give us ample time to plan and prepare the house. Instead of spending thousands on a hall, my father spent the summer painting and renovating his home to make me a beautiful wedding.

The guest list changed a few times, as the rules for outdoor events were repeatedly modified. In the end, we had a considerable amount of people – nothing close to what we may have had pre-Covid, obviously, but certainly a nice amount. I cannot complain. I didn’t care so much about the planning and the details. I told my mom I wanted hot pink flowers, and left the rest up to her.

It turned out beautiful. Everyone I loved was there, and it was truly the best wedding ever. All summer we were watching the weather, and although we got a tent just in case, the weather was perfect. I always wanted a destination wedding, and though we couldn’t travel, we had a wedding outdoors and near a pool, and the pictures looked like we were away.

I never pictured a summer wedding for myself, but this is what it was because of the virus. We also decided to have an early wedding. It was the right decision. We danced all day and had the best time. If I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t.

My advice to future brides is, no matter if it’s a pandemic or not, keep it small! You only need the people you love at a celebration to be happy.

Linda Betesh

My wedding was…last minute. We’d been dating for about three years and by the summertime, I was done waiting. I knew it was time to get married. I tried to get both sides to talk, and by the time I did, it was already mid-August. I was stubborn and persistent because I knew it was time, so as insane as it sounds, we got engaged, with just two weeks to go before our newly-scheduled wedding date – Sept 2.

With the pandemic raging, I knew it was not going to be perfect, but the end result would be the same, so we started planning.

The wedding that I always dreamed of was small – just me, my fiancée, some family and friends, and a beach. This is pretty much what I had envisioned. Reality, though, came into play. We don’t own property on the beach, and so a beach wedding wasn’t practical. Instead, we decided to have the wedding in my parents’ backyard. But the small wedding thing – that was definitely happening. We took pictures on the beach before the wedding, so in some ways I got what I wanted.

There were a few unforeseen advantages to our pandemic wedding. Firstly, it was a lot cheaper. We didn’t have to worry about spending the amount we would have on a typical wedding. People were very giving at this time, offering whatever they can do to pitch in and help. Ike Douek (@dj_iked) – Gd bless him! – DJ’d our wedding, as well as many other weddings throughout this pandemic, for free. Although we didn’t spend extravagantly, it turned out to be a beautiful event.

Of course, there were also many challenges. We were too late to book a tent. In the event that it rained, my neighbor generously offered to let us get married on his porch that had a roof. It was not what I wanted at all, but since we didn’t have a tent, we at least had a “Plan B.” Because of the COVID-19 restrictions, we had to trim down the guestlist considerably. Also, since it was so last minute, and we were juggling so many balls in the air, a few people who should have been there were, unfortunately and unintentionally, not invited.

When it was almost “go-time,” I watched from my parents’ kitchen as the marchers went down. It was drizzling, I was panicky, and my stomach was in knots. When it was my turn to go, I have to say, I’m unsure if it was still raining or not, because that was the last thing on my mind. I know at some point the moisture stopped, and we had beautiful weather.

My advice to future brides would be: just let it go! Everything and anything, just let it roll right off your shoulders. Try not to worry too much and just let things happen. I was getting so worked up about the details that weren’t working, and in the end, I’m just so grateful for what I had.

Will Things be the Same?

Tradition is something this community does not take lightly, but we’ve had no choice but to adjust. The extended family and acquaintances, for the most part, had to be taken off the guestlist of these small events, which averaged about 150-200 guests – a significant reduction from the typical 1000-people invite list. With this came some fringe benefits. For starters, not having the pressure of spending over fifty grand on a wedding was a relief for many families, especially those who were financially hurt by the pandemic. Another benefit we found was the intimacy of these events. When the only people attending a wedding have a special, meaningful, close connection to the couple and their family, the enjoyment is magnified. These are unmistakable benefits that were reported by many, and which beg the question: will things ever go back to the way that they were? If we could spend less money, headache, and effort for the same result (marriage), why wouldn’t we?

Some brides stated that they cried for weeks when they realized that their dream Shaare Zion wedding of many hundreds of people had to be altered. A few expressed the value they ultimately saw in downsizing the guests to the most important people in their lives.

So what will the future of weddings in our community look like? Only time will tell.

But for now, we exuberantly celebrate each and every new wedding in our community, and excitedly look forward to more marriages, more beautiful Jewish homes, and more joy and happiness – no matter how long or short the guestlist is!

The Only Healer

Community Magazine

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February 2021

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Hashem created man with a complex and ingenious body. We have miracles taking place inside us every second of the day. One job our eyes do, in conjunction with the brain, is to visually discern features and objects in the world. Hashem gave us eyes in order to enjoy the beautiful world He created. There is no way we can ever thank Him enough for that gift alone.

A woman who had vision problems for many years and then was healed told her children, “I get so much pleasure from just looking at the little soap bubbles in the air while I wash the dishes. What a blessing to be able to see that!”

In Eretz Yisrael, a boy who had been born with a debilitating disease that took his sight, miraculously was healed shortly before his bar mitzvah. His name is Netanel Davush, and he has a beautiful voice. Now he composes songs of praise and sings them to Hashem for His abundant kindness.

When our bodies are functioning properly, we have to be thankful to Hashem. We also must know, however, that if something, Heaven forbid, malfunctions, it is also being done with awesome Divine Providence. Hashem decides what goes wrong, when it should go wrong, and for how long the problem will last. From the smallest ache to a life- threatening disease, nothing ever happens randomly. It is all controlled by Hashem.

If someone wakes up in the morning with a stiff neck, it is because Hashem decided that he needs a stiff neck now. Whether it is a backache, a knee problem, tooth pain – whatever it is – it was calculated, measured, and given by Hashem with love.

Chazal tell us that before any sickness is given, Hashem decides everything about it: when it will come, when it will leave, and through which medicine it will be cured. This means that the doctor visit is Heaven decreed. The medication we end up taking is Heaven decreed. At times they are effective, and at times they are not. It all depends on Hashem, as the pasuk says (Shemot 15:26), “I am Hashem , your Healer.”

Further, it says (Tehillim 107:20), “[When] Hashem dispatches His word, then we are cured.” We have to do our hishtadlut and go to the doctor only because Hashem seeks to remain concealed in this world. In truth, the doctor actually has no say as to whether the patient will be healed. When Hashem makes a decree that a person should have a certain ailment, the doctor is not able to change that decree. Medication is not able to change that decree. Our prayers and good deeds, however, can change the decree.

The Tziz Eliezer writes that although Hashem decides how long a sickness will last, our prayers can bring the healing earlier than He initially decreed. Whenever a person has any type of illness, it is comforting to know that it came because that is what Hashem wanted. It was calculated and given for a great reason, and we have access to the only One Who can take it away. He loves to hear from us, and wants us to ask Him to remove it.

Let us strengthen our emunah and see through the natural way of the world to realize Who is really in charge, and to understand that sickness and health are totally in the Hands of Hashem. As it says in Devarim (32:39), “I struck down and I will heal.”

May Hashem send all sick people a complete and quick recovery! Amen.