By Rabbi Hayim Asher Arking and Rabbi Ezra Ghodsi 

Note: The following halachot apply only to Shivah Asar B’Tammuz and similar fast days, NOT to Tisha B’Av or Yom Kippur. 

Why do we fast on Shivah Asar B’Tammuz? 

On the 17th of Tammuz five things occurred that we commemorate and mourn with our fasting: 

• The first Luhot were broken. 

• Before the destruction of the first Bet Hamikdash, the Jews were forced to cease sacrificing the korban tamid (the daily morning and afternoon sacrifice). 

• During the time of the second Bet Hamikdash, the wall surrounding Yerushalayim was breached by the armies that would ultimately go on to destroy the Bet Hamikdash. 

• Apustomos, a Greek minister, burnt the Torah. 

• An idol was placed in the Hechal of the Bet Hamikdash. (According to some this was also done by Apustomus. Others say this was done by King Menashe during the times of the first Bet Hamikdash).  

Fasting encourages us to reflect on the sins that brought about these calamities, thus inspiring us to do teshuva. It is also proper to give tzedakah on a ta’anit. Some say that one should give money equivalent to the cost of the amount of food that he would have eaten. 

Who is required to fast? 

Men and women who are above the age of bar/bat mitzvah are required to fast. Women who are pregnant or nursing, or a woman who has given birth within the past 30 days (even if she is not nursing), are exempt from fasting.  

May I break my fast if I have a headache? 

One who is experiencing a headache should continue to fast. If one feels too weak to fast, a rabbi should be consulted to decide on a case-by-case basis.  

May I take Tylenol or Advil? 

One may swallow the pill without water, provided that it does not have a flavored coating. If it is too difficult to swallow without water, it is permitted to use a tiny bit of water to aid in swallowing the pill. 

I accidentally made a beracha, should I eat a little so the beracha is not in vain? 

According to many poskim (Hida, Hacham Ovadia, and others), because reciting a beracha in vain is a uniquely severe prohibition, one should eat a tiny amount, so that the beracha will not be in vain. Afterward, one should continue their fast, and Anienu would still be recited in the Amidah. Others are of the opinion (Kaf Ha’Hayim, Ohr L’Tzion) that one should not even eat a small amount, and should instead recite – “ברוך שם כבוד מלכותו לעולם ועד.” 

How do I know the food I am cooking is seasoned properly? 

One is allowed to taste a small amount, (up to a revi’it – approx. 75ml), provided that it is spit out, and none of it is swallowed. When tasting the food, a beracha is not recited. Even on a non-fast day, if one is tasting food solely to see if it is seasoned properly, a beracha is not recited. 

May I brush my teeth or use mouthwash? 

One who is accustomed to brushing or using mouthwash every morning is permitted to do so, provided that a revi’it (~75ml) of water is not put into the mouth at one time. One should keep their head facing down to ensure that no water is swallowed.  

May I chew gum? 

Chewing gum on a fast day is not permitted. Although the gum itself is not swallowed, the flavoring and sweetness are. 

May one use a Listerine strip on a fast day? 

It would depend on how it is being used. Some view it as an item that does not taste good and is used solely to get rid of bad breath. It would therefore be permitted if left to dissolve completely in the mouth. Others view the strips as a good-tasting item that is prohibited on a fast day, as it would be no different from mint chewing gum.  

May one who is not fasting get an Aliyah? 

One who is not fasting may not get an Aliyah on a fast day. If the fast is on a Monday or Thursday, he may only get an Aliyah in the morning. 

Why do we wear tallit and tefillin at Minha? 

One of the reasons why our community adopted the custom to place tefillin at Minha, is in order to recite two extra berachot. David HaMelech instituted that one should recite one hundred berachot every day. On a regular weekday, one will reach the required amount by praying all the tefillot and reciting berachot before and after eating. However, on a ta’anit, where one only eats at night and not during the day, we put on tallit and tefillin to gain the extra berachot. 

What time does the fast end? 

The fast ends at tzet hakochavim (when three medium-sized stars are visible in the night sky). The exact time is subject to varying opinions and customs, and one should follow the custom of their shul and rabbi.

Ezra C. Sultan 

The Magen David Yeshiva Warriors led by Coaches Ezra Sultan and Richie Mizrachi became the first team to win back-to-back titles in the Yeshiva Softball League. 

It was not an easy feat – as they needed to beat the undefeated YDE team. YDE, led by Coaches Sammy Esses and Max Antar, boasted a 7-0 record during the regular season and was the favorite to win this year’s title.  

The MDY Warriors were led by pitching ace Charles Sultan and a stellar defense and offense that consisted of  3rd baseman Hymie J. Gindi, SS Benny R. Mizrachi, SCF Charles Azar, 2B Jack J. Gindi, 1B Michael Esses, LF Daniel Saff, Catcher Mark Antar, CF Albert Ancona, RF Jacob Kassin, DH Solly Gindi, Jack Avital, Izzy Benjamin, Elliot Movazeb, and Benny D. Mizrachi. 

 YDE was led by a group of All Stars that included Abraham Shammah, Raymond Swed, Eddie Saadia, Eddie Dweck, Jack Shrem, Isaac Sardar, Jack Hoffman, David Antar, Raymin Imani, Abie Gindi, Morris Sutton, and Jacob Esses. 

 Entering the final inning, the teams were tied at 1-1. Then, in the 7th inning, the MDY Warriors broke the game and the hearts of all the YDE Fans.  

Jack J. Gindi led off with a walk, followed by a single by his brother Hymie. Daniel Saff followed with a line drive single to give MDY a 2-1 lead.  MDY went on to add two more runs, highlighted by a monster RBI double by Michael Esses. 

YDE did not go down without a fight, as they did manage to load the bases in the bottom of the inning – but only came away with one run.  

Final score: MDY 4  YDE 2. 

Congratulations MDY Warriors! 

Tuvia Cohen 

Children’s games are fun, and should not be discouraged. Games are to children what work is to an adult. Of the wide spectrum of games available to the young, one of the most popular, exciting, and certainly cheapest is called Hide and Seek. In this particular game, which seems to enjoy universal popularity as well as uniformity of rules, one individual stands in the corner, with his eyes closed, and counts until 100 (“1, 2 …  miss a few… 99, 100”).  

Ready or Not! 

While the chosen one is counting, the other members of the group have to hide themselves around the house. Favorite hiding places include broom closets, behind armchairs, underneath beds, and beneath tables. After reaching the agreed number, the seeker shouts out, “100 – coming, ready or not!” and then attempts to locate the temporarily invisible members of his group. Having played the game before, the seeker usually knows where to look, and when he finds the hider, mutual squeals of delight are emitted, and the first person back to base is the winner. 

The great shame is that the people hiding cannot really conceal themselves effectively. If they hid in the broom closet, then no sooner does the excited seeker open the door than they are immediately spotted.  

We would like to suggest an improvement to this game, which will greatly enhance its enjoyment. The suggestion is that all participants should be able to blend into the background of their hiding place entirely. The one hiding in the broom closet should take on the appearance of brooms, the one concealed in the pantry should resemble a jar of peanut butter and a bag of flour, and the one furtively crouching under the bed should be able to simulate a pair of slippers. If the suggestion is adopted, then the game of Hide and Seek will go on for much longer; in fact, it will never end. 

Those endowed with a skeptical nature might protest that the suggestion is impractical. How can anyone change his appearance to resemble brooms, jars or slippers? The very idea is quite preposterous. We disagree! Go to the animal world and there you will see creatures that are able to camouflage themselves to a remarkable degree. If they can do it, why can’t we? Let us have a closer look. 

Changing Skin Color 

A toad is a large frog. Should you ever walk along a wooded path and wish to see one, you would probably be unsuccessful. The toad looks like the lump of earth that it sits on, just with extra refinements. On a dry day, its skin is light brown to match the dry leaves and soil. When the rain falls and darkens the ground, the toad’s skin darkens, too.  

There is a member of the spider family called the crab spider. This creature has the capability of changing its color to match the flower it is sitting on. Its perfect camouflage hides it from insects when they settle on the flower to feed. Then the spider moves quickly to catch them for its own dinner.  

Down in the sea lives a flatfish called a dab. As it moves along the seabed, its skin color changes to match the background. If it were placed on a chessboard, the dab would become checkered.  

Of all the color-changing creatures, the chameleon has the biggest color range. To blend in with its surroundings, and thus remain unnoticed, its skin can switch from black to yellow, from blue to red! 

Matter of Survival 

Let us pause for a moment and pose a question. Imagine that you were dissatisfied with the color of your skin. Perhaps you had freckles and wish you hadn’t. Perhaps you had no freckles and wished you had. Do you think that standing in front of a mirror, repeating time and time again, “Skin, grow freckles” or “Freckles, disappear,” would change your appearance?  

However hard we try, we cannot (without external means) alter either the color or texture of our skin or hair. Animals, however, can. How did they learn this obviously difficult task? Is it possible, for example, that originally the toads were colored bright orange? When they discovered that gaudy colors were attracting the attention of predators, they held an emergency meeting of the International Confederation of Toads to discuss their plight. One inspired toad put forward the suggestion that they should all change their skin color to adapt to the environment. The motion was carried unanimously (with loud cheers of “Toad-ah-rabbah”) and henceforth the toads lived happily ever after.  

Do you believe in fairy tales? Let us be clear. Animals’ necessity to camouflage is not a game. It is a matter of survival. If they did not have the capability of successfully concealing themselves (the very best that human predators – soldiers – can do is to stick some twigs in their helmets) they must have been endowed with the necessary machinery and instincts from the beginning of their existence. 

Creatures in Costume 

There is a small insect found in tropical rain forests called the Javanese leaf insect. Even if you chose that location for your Lag B’Omer outing, it is unlikely that you would find it, for it mimics the leaf to perfection. Its skin looks like the skin of a real leaf, green and rubbery, and even the detailed structure of a central rib and veins are faithfully reproduced. It has marks on its body to resemble holes in a dying leaf, and even its legs look like curled-up leaves. Lying still, the insect is virtually undetectable.  

In the same rain forest, the less friendly boa constrictor’s skin does not mimic its surroundings. It is, however, highly effective at blending with the characteristic dappling of sunlight filtering through leaves in exactly the same way as military camouflage is used (or, to be more precise, military camouflage tries to copy the methods used by animals).  

Zebras, which live on the African grasslands where lions are often out looking for a meal, confuse their mortal enemy by their distinctive stripes, which in bright daylight can disguise their shape. In the dim light of dawn or dusk, the stripes seem to blend together and help the zebras blend into the background. What is even more remarkable is that young zebras have their striped coats from birth, so that they can hide in the herd with the mother zebra, where the stripes of all the zebras blend together. 

Masters of Disguise  

If you are looking for real ingenuity in disguise, consider the decorator crab. This crab, which lives in the sea, disguises its presence by covering its body with objects from the seabed. It uses seaweed, bits of sponge and mosses to complete the cover.  

Amazingly, all these objects are attached to the back of the crab by thousands of tiny hooked bristles which cover its entire body. Those bristles did not grow by accident!  

In contrast, the squid, which shares the ocean floor as its habitat, ejects a small cloud of ink, roughly the shape and size of itself, and then slips away while the enemy is distracted by the ink cloud. What equipment does the squid require to produce and eject ink, and who told it what its shape is? Does it have a mirror? 

Animals in Winter Coats 

No one likes to be conspicuous. Would you like to wear a bright red kippah in shul on Yom Kippur where everyone is wearing white? Similarly, animals with dark coats would easily be seen in the snow.  

Fortunately for them – “them” being the snowy owl, the polar bear, the snowshoe hare, the stoat, and the lemming, among others – they grow a white coat to help them hide. Some are white or pale-colored all year round, whereas others change the color of their coat to suit the season.  

The ptarmigan is a bird which has a white coat in winter, but in spring starts to grow its speckled brown summer coat. The male keeps his white coat far longer than the female, because hunters will see him before they spot the well-camouflaged female, who is sitting on her eggs! Accident or design? The answer is clear – this cannot be an accident. 

The message cannot be hidden or disguised. Animal camouflage is so clever, so cunning, and so vital to its very existence, that the design involved cannot be concealed. The truth cannot be camouflaged! There must be a master Designer. 

QUESTION:  

Dear Rabbi Ali, 

I am gaining so much clarity from your monthly articles. Thank you. I do have an issue that has been bothering me for quite some time. I’m married for 17 years, and my wife has a comment about almost everything I do – the way that I dress or eat, where I go and who I’m with, etc. She gets upset and criticizes me regarding these things and it’s getting worse. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
 

R’ ALI’S RESPONSE: 

This type of question regarding criticism is a common one  I receive from both men and women. Here, I would like to give some perspective and tips for the reader, as a condensed version of a number of emails I exchanged with the questioner.   

First, let’s talk about the one who criticizes. We should all be aware that criticism is damaging to any relationship and is unacceptable. Acknowledging that you may be too critical or negative is the first step towards minimizing your criticism.  

Frequently I hear, “But I was triggered.” You may have a valid point, but you are not justified in delivering harsh criticism. At the end of the day, we all have free will to decide how we will react to any situation. This doesn’t mean keeping quiet when something’s bothering you. It means you need to find a more appropriate way of expressing yourself than by using criticism. This is similar to what we try to teach children about speaking appropriately. We should aim to learn how to talk things out maturely and calmly. For some people this comes naturally, for others it doesn’t. Don’t feel bad if it’s a challenge for you. With some hard work, you can get it right. 

Now let’s look at  the one being criticized. There are really two issues here, criticism and control. “You’re going to wear that? No way!” is control. “You know you look ridiculous,” is criticism. My general approach to this situation is to state your case kindly but firmly and to stick to the topic.  

Don’t let your spouse’s reaction steer you off course. For example, as a response to the previous critical comments you can say, “I understand that this shirt is not your type, however I’m going to wear it. I like it very much.” When your spouse responds with something like, “I can’t believe you. Why do you have to be different?” Stay on track. “I value your opinion. However, I am buying this shirt.” 

As for criticism, it can come in a different form such as hurtful words or a put down. These should be handled in a different manner. If critical remarks happen only once in a while, and it’s clear that it’s because your spouse is in a bad mood when it happens, the best thing to do would be to ignore it and move on. It is hard, but very doable. However, if the criticism is a constant, you should let your spouse know how you feel. You can say, “It hurts me when you speak like that.” Stating how you feel (an “I” statement) and not shifting the blame onto your spouse is the safest and easiest way to get your message across in a non-threatening way.  

Some people will let their spouse know that they are hurt, however it will come across as an attack. This approach won’t accomplish anything. Remember, the goal is to put a stop to the criticism, not to vent. It’s very hard to debate an emotion. If you are clearly stating how you feel versus what they did wrong, there’s not much to talk about. Even if it seems like your spouse rejects what you have said, most likely the message got across.  

You may need to repeat this message a few more times. However, from my experience it almost always works. Of course, your timing and your tone is important and you will have to figure out the best way to say how you feel and when to say it.  

This tip works for the most part if it is done right. The hard part is resisting the emotional roller coaster. Don’t take the bait of entering into an argument and you’ll be fine. Your spouse will eventually accept your decisions.  Remember it’s a balance of being both kind and firm. The firm without the kind won’t work out too well. If we’re patient and persistent, with Hashem’s help we’re sure to have smooth sailing relationships.

Sandy Eller 

It was exactly one year after the onset of COVID that SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness, first opened its doors to address the ongoing need for assistance in the Sephardic community, with a wide range of services and programming.  Having been contacted by local rabbanim, kallah teachers, community leaders, and others about a variety of complex and sensitive issues, Rabbi David Sutton, SIMHA’s founder and director, realized that members of the Sephardic community needed access to high quality professional mental health care.  He understood what life was like for those who were struggling with anxiety, depression, various disorders, addiction, and other issues. And in his mind’s eye, Rabbi Sutton envisioned them as being stranded in the ocean, surrounded by sharks and battered by uncontrollable tides.   

“SIMHA was created to be that island of safety,” explained Rabbi Sutton.  “Someone who speaks to a friend might experience some comfort, but they are still in the ocean, fighting that tide and those sharks.  When they reach out to SIMHA, we become that island for them, providing them with a safe haven, and getting them on the road to recovery.” 

SIMHA provides clients with free comprehensive assessments, the first step in addressing mental health issues. Evaluations are done in person and can take an hour or longer to complete, giving SIMHA’s licensed clinicians an opportunity to identify the root problem instead of just treating its symptoms.  Oftentimes, clients may reach out to SIMHA to discuss a particular issue, when in reality, the actual matter is something completely different.  Such was the case with one man who contacted SIMHA to discuss what he described as a marital problem.  

“After doing the assessment, it turned out that the husband was struggling with a severe anxiety disorder that was negatively affecting their marriage,” said Dr. Eli Mandelbaum, SIMHA’s director of clinical coordination.  “Sending him for shalom bayit classes or to a marriage therapist wouldn’t have helped.” 

SIMHA’s licensed clinicians draw on their training and considerable experience as mental health professionals to develop an accurate understanding of their clients, as well as their unique situations.  In addition to clarifying the actual problem at hand, they provide support and psychoeducation from the start. And clients often find the intake process to be therapeutic, even though SIMHA’s clinicians do not provide actual therapy services.  

Referrals are the next step in the continuum of care. Clinicians search SIMHA’s extensive database of approximately 800 therapists, psychiatrists, and facilities to find the one that is best suited to the client.  While the process is both thorough and time consuming, referrals are typically made within 24 hours of an assessment. Most of those practitioners are located in the New York – New Jersey area and, if need be, are insurance-based.  SIMHA also has access to well-known experts in the field who don’t necessarily work with insurance.   

“Over 50 percent of our clients see clinicians that take insurance, and we try to work within their budget,” noted Rabbi Sutton.  “We do our best to make it work for them, and have met hundreds of clinicians, and gone down to dozens of clinics so that we could locate affordable care.” 

Other factors are also at play in the referral process, according to Dr. Mandelbaum.  Clinicians consider whether a particular therapist and the client are a good match, in addition to considering availability, personal preferences, such as gender, and whether the client wants to do in-person or telehealth sessions.   

“All of this happens collaboratively,” explained Dr. Mandelbaum.  “We connect with the clinician first and get the green light from them, and then we tell the client who we came up with for them.” 

SIMHA’s involvement doesn’t end with sharing a therapist’s contact information with the client.  Clinicians are more than ready to help schedule appointments for their clients, and they also make follow-up phone calls to hear how the initial conversation went.  In cases where clients who had initially agreed to schedule their own appointments decide not to follow through, SIMHA’s clinicians switch into case management mode, pinpointing the reason for the hesitation, and shifting gears, if necessary.  

“If that clinician doesn’t work for them, we’ll find them another one,” said Dr. Mandelbaum.  If they didn’t call for a particular reason, we can discuss those unstated reasons so that the process can continue.” 

SIMHA’s ongoing support also includes reviewing clients’ progress, making sure that they are receiving the care they need to remedy the problem at hand.  The fact that SIMHA’s clinicians stay in touch with their clients means that if something goes wrong, they are there to jump in right away and make the necessary corrections. 

“We’ve had countless examples of people falling off the train,” said Rabbi Sutton. “It takes handholding to get them back on.” 

Education is an important and ongoing component of the clinical coordination process, shedding light on topics that can be sensitive and unfamiliar.  At times it might be something as simple as explaining what anxiety or depression are, or validating their feelings.  In other instances, it might include simply understanding the therapy process and how to get the most out of treatment. 

“I’ve had clients tell me that they need a new therapist because they don’t like what their therapist has said about a certain thing,” said Dr. Mandelbaum. “I tell them to talk to their therapist and let them know, just like you would tell a restaurant that they burned your steak. It is important for clients to know that they are the customer, and that being open and forthcoming with their therapist helps the treatment process.” 

In addition to opening over 500 new cases a year, and providing mental health services to community members in Brooklyn, Deal, and Lakewood, SIMHA is also tackling contemporary mental health challenges from the educational side, offering training courses to provide local mentors with life-saving tools to address mental health issues, since few are trained in the field. 

“Much like a Hatzalah member’s job isn’t to do heart surgery, but rather to stabilize patients and get them the help they need, our goal at SIMHA is to give our first responders the tools they need to react, whether they are community rabbis, rebbetzins, kallah teachers, shadchanim, nutritionists, or anyone else who might pick up on the first telltale signs of a mental health challenge,” explained Rabbi Sutton.  “These courses teach how to navigate sensitive situations and guide people to professional help when needed.” 

Dr. Shloimie Zimmerman, Director of SIMHA’s rabbinical training program, developed and led the men’s 24-week program, while Dr. Sarah Miller ran the women’s cohort.  Both programs were designed to provide participants with tools to provide care and guidance with compassion and dignity, and included an emphasis on validation, empathy, and numerous other skills.   

“The role of the rabbi has changed over the years,” observed Rabbi Joseph Dana of the West Deal Synagogue.  “Rabbis don’t just give speeches from the pulpit – they are expected to advise on an array of matters that aren’t taught in kollel.” 

“I used to try and actively solve people’s problems,” added Rabbi David Nakash, who runs the Bnei Aliyah minyan at Shaarei Zion.  “I’ve since learned that listening empathetically and offering guidance is far more effective.” 

The classes were an introduction to SIMHA for some participants, including Rebbetzin Sandra Mansour of the Safra Synagogue, who was gratified to realize the many services being offered to community members who struggle with mental health issues.  Mrs. Renelle Maslaton, Principal of Bet Yaakov Yesodot HaTorah, felt that the art of active listening was one of the key takeaways of the program.   

 “Dr. Miller’s practical teaching style gave us the ability to take ideas that we already knew, as well as lots of new information, and put them into practice,” said Mrs. Maslaton.  “Taking the time to really hear what someone is saying, including being conscious of what goes unspoken, is incredibly important.” 

Those thoughts were echoed by Rebbetzin Aviva Ben Haim of Bnei Shaarei Zion, who gained skills that helped her through an issue with a particular student that had been plaguing her for years. 

“The course was excellent,” said Rebbetzin Ben Haim.  “Dr. Miller was very practical and I think that all of us who took these classes can honestly say that we are grateful to SIMHA for empowering us and giving us the tools we need to better serve our communities.” 

Even as it continues to evolve to meet communal needs on multiple fronts, SIMHA remains steadfastly committed to its founding mission – helping those who are struggling with dignity, skill, and compassion. 

“Baruch Hashem, mental health issues are no longer being swept under the proverbial rug,” noted Rabbi Sutton.  “SIMHA is grateful to be able to play a part in shattering stigmas, so that no one has to suffer in silence.  Help is literally right around the corner.” 

If you or someone you know need guidance, advice or assistance, SIMHA is ready to offer help.  Call or text 718-675-3000 or email office@simhahealth.org.