Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R

As a bachur, Rav Yerucham Levovitz learned in the Talmud Torah of Kelm. Prestigious kollel avreichim learned there, as well, though they lived the life of bachurim. They would leave their homes, travel to Kelm, learn there for a month at a time, and only see their wives and children for a short time at the end of every month.

Weakness or Greatness?

A fire once broke out in one of the houses next to the Talmud Torah, and many nearby houses burned down, though the bet midrash remained intact. As the fire raged on, edging ever closer to the yeshivah, an outstanding kollel avreich thought to himself, “I hope the yeshivah burns down. Then I’ll be able to go home to my wife and children.”

When we hear this, our first reaction may be, Oh my goodness, this man is a horror! But when sharing the story (Daat Torah, Bamidbar p. 82-83), Rav Yerucham has a different take. In his opinion, this is a sign of greatness. The avreich knew himself and realized that deep down inside he had a desire to return home to see his wife and kids. If he were to just show up at home in the middle of the zman (semester), his wife might say, “Why are you coming home now? You’re supposed to be learning in yeshivah. You don’t belong here.” But if he could say, “The yeshivah burned down. I had to come home,” he would have an acceptable excuse, and he would not have to be embarrassed to come back to his family.

Understanding Oneself

A person must be able to recognize his shortcomings, asserts Rav Yerucham. This is why the Torah is always looking for and finding fault in our Avot, and the Dor HaMidbar. Sefer Bamidbar is replete with stories of Klal Yisrael’s complaints and grumbles, their agitation and insurrection. This is the Torah’s way of showing what is really going on inside of a human being. The pasuk says: Though man is glorious, if he does not understand himself, he is like the silenced animals (Tehillim 49:21). Rav Yerucham tells us that a person who does not really know what is going on inside himself is not considered a human being at all.

The Pele Yoetz (on the topic of pachad, fear) shares a story that took place in the time of the Rambam. An adam gadol did not want to say Viduy on Yom Kippur, claiming that he had not

committed many of the sins enumerated in the text. Why should he lie before Gd? Don’t we say that the stamp of Gd is truth?

The Rambam countered, “If you truly understood the level of avodat Hashem demanded of each individual, you would realize that a day does not go by in which you do not commit every transgression listed in the Viduy, and then some.”

How can that be? Every single day, a great person transgressed in so many areas?

Look at the Fine Points

Take a look at David HaMelech. The Navi informs us that David HaMelech sinned with a married woman, when, in truth, she was divorced (II Shmuel, Ch. 11-12). So what does that mean? We are not to merely view the full picture of an action, but the fine points, as well. True, David did not sin with a married woman, but he erred in the subtle points of his action. Though the adam gadol in the days of the Rambam had not actually committed all the sins in the Viduy, he may have transgressed in the small nuances, which, if one is perfectly honest, are associated with more serious iniquity. We are all encouraged to look carefully through our deeds, including the fine points, and learn to know ourselves.

Rav Yisrael Salantar admitted that he would not want to be left in a room with uncounted money. Other baalei mussar went a step further. “If you left me in a room with uncounted money, I would take it.” Does that really mean they would take it? No, it means that they felt that they had some kind of taste for that sin inside of themselves – because they were always checking on themselves.

Victor Cohen

On September 29, 2024, Hacham David Yosef, the ninth son of Hacham Ovadia Yosef, zt”l, was elected to be the Sephardic Chief Rabbi for the next ten years. On December 11, Hacham David was officially inaugurated in an intimate morning ceremony at the Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai Synagogue in Jerusalem’s Old City, with a much larger celebration following at Jerusalem’s Great Synagogue in the afternoon.. Hacham David followed his older brother, Hacham Yitzhak Yosef, the sixth son of Hacham Ovadia, in the position. Their father held the position of Sephardic Chief Rabbi himself from 1973 to 1983.

Hacham David comes in as Chief Rabbi while Israel is still in crisis, with hostile forces threatening Israel on multiple fronts and hostages still held by Hamas. The Chief Rabbi will shoulder heavy responsibilities during this time. He will not only guide our people halachically. He will also serve as the spiritual leader of Israel, the Rishon LeZion. With Hashem’s help, Hacham David will fulfill both roles with wisdom, strength, and compassion. He served as the Chief Rabbi of Har Nof in Jerusalem, ran Yechave Daat, and was involved with the Shas Party, the political party that his father helped to found.

Hacham David’s inauguration was a beautiful, monumental event for all of Israel and for Sephardic community around the world. Hacham David’s family has been one of the most influential families in Sephardic Jewry for the past few decades, and it is amazing to see Hacham Ovadia live on through his children.

Hacham David’s inauguration was attended by notable figures including President Isaac Herzog, former Chief Rabbi Shlomo Amar, the Shas Party’s Council of Torah Sages, and other religious leaders and members of the Rabbinate. Rabbis from our community attended as well, including Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, Rabbi David Ozeri, Rabbi Edmond Nahum, and Rabbi Shaul J. Kassin.

They started the day by praying in Yechave Daat. “It was very prestigious and emotional,” Rabbi Kassin recalled. He had learned at Hacham David’s Yechave Daat in his youth, and personally received help and advice from Hacham David.

From Generation to Generation

“What I was thinking about most was how much nachat it would bring his father,” Rabbi Kassin said, referring to Hacham Ovadia, “especially that two of his children continued the family legacy.” His father’s presence was felt throughout the day. In a touching moment that bridged generations of Jewish leadership, Hacham David was draped in the ceremonial robe once worn by his father. Hacham David’s own official garments closely resemble Hacham Ovadia’s, symbolically holding his father close as he ascends to his former position.

Rabbi Kassin noted that Hacham Ovadia’s tireless work to building something special for Israel continues to bear fruit, years down the line, in the form of his children taking up his legacy and continuing it.

The Yosef family has made halacha accessible through their writings and books. They “revolutionized” the study of halacha, according to Rabbi Kassin. Hacham David specifically took part in this through his Halacha Berurah, an encyclopedic masterpiece that breaks down the entirety of Jewish Law with a high level of precision.

The Chief Rabbi has a great opportunity to elevate the spirituality of the entirety of Israel. Rabbi Kassin explained that they need someone “who cares for them,” someone who will take the proper time to really work on elevating their spirituality. Especially now, when Israel is still fighting, this is a significant undertaking. Upon his election, Hacham David said that with Hashem’s help, he would work “night and day to unify Israel during this difficult time.”

Rabbi Kassin noted that there is much that a Chief Rabbi has to deal with. The position requires many years of observing or experiencing the ins and outs of the role. It is a heavy position, with many responsibilities. Hacham David, Rabbi Kassin said, “has seen that throughout his life.” He was both raised by a Chief Rabbi, and saw his brother rise to that same position, Hacham David is surrounded by greatness and is poised to continue the family legacy.

Frieda Schweky

This month, I thought it would be helpful if I asked around for tips on traveling with children. Normally when I introduce a topic, I include the names of the community members who have contributed their ideas or thoughts. However, this time I got a bunch of small tips from a lot of people. So, I didn’t list everyone by name, but instead I organized all the suggestions into helpful categories. Enjoy!

You’re about to spend a ton of hard-earned cash on a trip for your family. Here are some tips to hopefully help things go smoothly.

Ziplock Bags and/or Packing Cubes

When it comes to traveling with a number of children for a longer trip, planning ahead of time and using a simple tool like zip-top bags can make all the difference. For each child, prepare appropriate-sized Ziplock bags with each outfit for each day, and label with a marker what the outfits are intended for to save time once you get to your destination.

For example, prepare a Ziplock bag labeled “Sarah: Monday, Daytime.” In your Ziplock have everything your child might need to wear that day, like a beach dress and bathing suit. Also make an additional bag for nighttime activities. I labeled mine Sarah: Monday, Night.

Pack all toiletries in zip-top bags to avoid spilling mishaps. If Ziplock bags aren’t your thing, you can get packing cubes, either plain ones or even ones that come marked with the days of the week! This is a great option because they are reusable. To be super-efficient, get each family member their own color packing cube so it’s simple to tell the difference!

Bring Cheap Toys

When traveling with young children, it is extremely important to pack quiet toys that will keep them busy on a long flight. Head to a dollar store and pick up a few things you think might hold their attention.

You may be thinking, “I already have great toys.” That’s exactly the point. Leave your great toys at home. The things that you bring with you on your trip should be things you’d be comfortable with losing. Also, since the toys are new to the child they will most likely keep them busy longer.

You have enough to worry about with your kids. You don’t need to be babysitting toys.

Some ideas for travel toys are drawing tablets, the kind that cost $5 on Amazon, or about $8 for a two-pack. Their sole purpose is to doodle and erase. They’re zero mess. Just make sure to get one that has a tether so the pen can’t get lost! Playdough with a couple of molds can keep a kiddo busy for a while. Also, don’t forget to pack headphones!

Bring Medication

Tylenol or Motrin is important to bring with you on a flight/trip with young children. You never know whose ears will be sensitive to air pressure changes. FeverAll contains Acetaminophen, the same kind of pain reliever and fever reducer as in Tylenol, but it comes in suppository form. So this could be another option for babies who refuse liquid medicine, especially when you’re not looking for a fight on a plane. They are safe for babies and toddlers. Suppositories really come in handy as they are dry and small, ideal for carry-on purposes, and they work faster than liquid. These are also key to avoiding a red sticky mess. FeverAll is sold over-the-counter and can be found in most pharmacies next to the children’s pain relievers. In general, FeverAll is a great option for young children who are disgusted by the taste of medicine.

What to Pack in Your Carry-On

When traveling with a child under the age of one, it’s safest to pack changes of clothing in your carry-on. You should pack a couple of outfits for your child and one for yourself in case an accident happens on you as well.

Pack double the amount of diapers in your carry-on that you think you need for the flight. You never know if your flight will be delayed or how long it will take to check in and your carry-on may be your only baggage for a while. When it comes to baby wipes, pack one package in your carry-on and one in your checked baggage. Any additional wipes you need should be purchased at your destination. Wipes can add extra weight your luggage may not be able to afford.

Even if all of your children have aged out of diapers, pack a few wet wipes in a Ziplock bag to bring on a flight to clean hands and faces.

Snacks, Spill-Proof Cups, and FOOD Are a Must

A variety of healthy snacks should be packed in your carry-on for your children. Try to start off with savory options like pretzels, chips, fruits, and veggies. Only break out the sweets in case of behavioral emergencies or towards the end of the flight. No one wants a hyperactive child on a crowded flight. However, it’s good to know that lollipops can help with popping ears with cabin pressure changes, so you may want to pack a few. If your kids are old enough, gum can help with popping ears, too.

Something cool you can find on Amazon or at Target is mini-tackle boxes you can use for snacks. This was a social media trend that exploded because of its simple brilliance. It’s a flat container with multiple compartments so you can pack a good variety of snacks that will also help kids stay busy and satisfied on long flights. Best part: hand it over to your kids once and you’re done! They won’t have to bother you for snacks every few minutes.

Additionally, for children four and under, an empty spill-proof cup should be packed. When the flight attendant hands out beverages, you can pour whatever juice of choice into a spill proof cup and not have to think about it or assist the child further.

Also, I’m sure everyone knows this by now but just in case – BRING FOOD. Lots of real food. Travel days are stressful enough. Don’t add finding kosher food on the go to the list of things to stress about. Sandwiches, extra pita, butter noodles, mini pizzas, deli, cut veggies, hard boiled eggs, and all the portable food you can think of. More is more – you never know if a flight will be delayed. Be prepared!

Pack Blankets

Another must-pack item for your carry-on is a small blanket for each child – something comfortable enough to help the child sleep. A sleeping child is the most ideal when on a flight. Don’t forget pacifiers for babies who need them! Even taking the extra step of ordering child-size eye masks (the comfortable kind that have an indentation where the eyes go) can really save you from the unpredictable lights turning on. Pack one for yourself as well, why not! If the kids are busy enough with all this good stuff you’re packing they may let you snooze!

Additionally, a small stuffed animal can be brought to act as a pillow. Again, nothing sentimental that you wouldn’t want lost or ruined.

iPad or Portable DVD Player

For long flights or for children whose attention aren’t held by toys, bringing some portable electronic entertainment is a must. Make sure to charge devices in advance, pack chargers in your carry-on, and again, pack headphones! Bring headphones with wires so you can plug them into the monitor on the plane if it has one. They usually do! But in case they don’t, you’ll have the DVD player or tablet!

Additionally, you may not have Wi-Fi on the flight, so prepare in advance. Download age-appropriate games and some streaming apps like Netflix that have off-line options. Make sure to have that set up ahead of time for quick and easy on-board streaming.

Make a Spreadsheet

When packing for a whole family for a trip, especially if there are a number of children and especially when you have different events to pack for, it’s so important to stay organized. Google Sheets is completely free, and you can make yourself a detailed spreadsheet. Include the different days and events, what each adult or child needs, by name, and check it off first once you buy the

items in one column and check it off again in a different column once it’s packed. Example: Sunday, beach party, Sarah, bathing suit, dress, fancy sandals, bow.

Guys, this was so fun and actually helpful (to me) so I really hope it’s helpful for you too! A personal tip from me to you is to be sure to make LISTS – the portable kind. Write on your phone whenever you think of a small detail that you think you may forget. Don’t leave it to chance. Write it down and check that list when you’re packing! Don’t check it off until it is packed! Examples of things you could easily forget to pack: Siddur, puddle jumpers, brushes, your favorite hair conditioner… This list is going to be different for everyone! I wish you best of luck in your travels – safe, fun, and successful!

Frieda Schweky

Frieda is an event and portrait photographer. Check Frieda out on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto For photography inquiries or article topic suggestions email her friedaschweky@gmail.com.

Sam Sutton

The 2024 DFL season has been nothing short of spectacular. With thrilling matchups, jaw-dropping performances, and unforgettable moments, the league’s journey has now reached its pinnacle: the Super Bowl. And what better matchup could fans have hoped for? The top two seeds, the Smooth Mobile Oil Cowboys and the Egleston Air Eagles, will clash in what promises to be an epic showdown.

Championship Round Recap: Cowboys Steamroll the Dolphins

The Cowboys, captained by Allen Mustacchi, have been the most consistent team all season, and their dominance was on full display in the championship round. Facing a red-hot Dolphins team that had gained momentum in the playoffs, the Cowboys left no room for doubt. Behind a stellar performance by their star QB Eli Siegal, they cruised to a commanding 31-6 victory. Their precision offense and stifling defense left the Dolphins with no answers, and the Cowboys firmly cemented themselves as the favorites heading into the Super Bowl.

Eagles Engineer an All-Time Comeback

While the Cowboys dominated, the Eagles had to fight tooth and nail to punch their ticket to the big game. Captained by Michael Panetz, the Eagles found themselves in an 11-point deficit with just two minutes to play against the well-rounded 49ers. What followed was nothing short of legendary.

Quarterback Shimi Cohen took over, orchestrating the greatest postseason comeback in DFL history. With everything on the line, Cohen connected repeatedly with his star wide receiver, Menachem Dubin, who seemed unstoppable in crunch time. In a stunning turn of events, the Eagles pulled off a miraculous 23-19 victory, leaving fans and the 49ers alike in disbelief. This resilient performance proved that the Eagles are not just contenders but a team with championship grit.

A Clash of Titans

The Cowboys enter the Super Bowl as the undisputed favorites. Led by QB Eli Siegal, the de facto #1 draft pick, this team has been a powerhouse all season. Siegal’s ability to deliver pinpoint passes and make smart decisions under pressure has been the backbone of their success.

But the Cowboys’ strength lies in their depth. JoJo Matut and Mordy Sultan, a rookie wide receiver duo, have been nothing short of electric. Their speed and chemistry have made them a nightmare for opposing defenses.

Veterans like Mesh Novaseller and Yossi Abramson provide reliable options, offering stability and experience to complement the explosive plays. On the line, Captain Allen “Moose” Mustacchi, along with ball hawk Rodin and Jackie Sutton, form a formidable trio, providing both protection for Siegal and disruption on defense.

This balanced, high-powered roster has made the Cowboys the team to beat. With their regular-season victory over the Eagles in hand, they’ll look to replicate that success and secure the championship.

Egleston Air Eagles

If any team can challenge the Cowboys, it’s the Eagles. While they may enter as underdogs, their postseason heroics have shown that they thrive under pressure. Quarterback Shimi Cohen has been nothing short of a marvel, leading his team with poise, precision, and an uncanny ability to deliver in clutch moments.

The Eagles have plenty of firepower. Michael Panetz and Menachem Dubin form an elite wide receiver duo that has carried the offense all season. Dubin’s performance in the championship round solidified his status as one of the league’s most dangerous playmakers.

Jake Gluck, a standout on the defensive line, is also a key contributor at tight end, bringing versatility and toughness to the team. Shmuey Lewis and Noam Katsil embody the “do-it-all” mentality, making plays on both sides of the ball and giving the Eagles a well-rounded edge.

Irwin Sutton and Charlie Mizrachi bring the intangibles—leadership, grit, and a winning mentality—that every championship team needs.

The Eagles will lean on their chemistry, resilience, and balanced roster to challenge the Cowboys in what promises to be a tightly contested battle.

The Super Bowl

The DFL Super Bowl is set and the stage couldn’t be bigger. The Cowboys, with their star-studded lineup and near flawless record, will look to cap off their dream season with a championship. Meanwhile, the Eagles, riding the wave of their historic comeback, will aim to prove that their grit and determination can overcome even the toughest opponent.

What’s Next?

Stay tuned for next month’s issue, where we’ll break down every play, highlight the game’s biggest moments, and crown the 2024 DFL champion. Will the Cowboys complete their season of dominance, or will the Eagles defy the odds one last time? One thing is certain: this Super Bowl is one for the ages.

Mozelle Forman

In life, we like to be prepared. We like to know what’s coming next and what we can look forward to. This psychological disposition is primarily driven by a desire for control and a belief that by anticipating events we can reduce our anxiety. Also, it is a natural human tendency to think about potential outcomes. Doing so allows us to plan and make informed decisions based on predicted future scenarios. Essentially, knowing what the future will bring can provide a sense of security and allows us to make a plan of action in an uncertain world. When the unexpected happens, we become agitated and anxious. We can be momentarily thrown off our game while we contemplate our actions based on the changed circumstances. And when an unexpected, untimely death occurs, the shock, anxiety, and grief throw us into a tailspin.

The community at large, and the Mishaan family in particular, experienced this phenomenon when Zak, a”h, was suddenly taken from this world on Hol Hamoed Sukkot, just the day before his beloved holidays of Hoshana Raba and Simhat Torah. The disbelief, the question of “how could this be?” was a haunting echo for his family, as they struggled to make sense of something that made no sense. Visitors to the family endeavored to offer consolation, even while knowing that words were hollow and the grief was deep. Yet, as Rabbi Eli Mansour stated at the arayat, “You don’t have to have answers when you have friends. The greatest consolation for the mourners is to be there for them, and cry with them, and hold their hand.”

Community Rabbis’ Words of Consolation

Rabbi Meir Yedid described the sense of disorientation Zak’s family and friends endured with his sudden passing. “We ask ourselves, eichah, how could it be?” as we do in Megilat Eichah, pondering the loss of the Beit Hamikdash. “How could it be that Zak is gone?” In an effort to offer consolation and understanding to his family and friends, Rabbi David Ozeri shared the story of Hanoch who died at the young age of 365 years old, when his contemporaries were living between 800 and 900 years. “The Torah tells us, ‘Hanoch walked with Elokim, and then he was no longer there, because Elokim had taken him.’ No explanation, no preparation. One day he was just gone. In the same way, Zak was taken from us.” We cannot comprehend the why’s of Hashem’s world and Rabbi Mansour confirms that “Gd is supposed to be beyond our comprehension. If I understand every move that my Gd makes then I have demoted Him to human intellect.”

Rabbi Azencot likens Zak’s short but powerful life to the life of our matriarch Sarah. When the Torah recounts her life, it is written, “The life of Sarah was 100 years and 20 years and 7 years; the years of Sarah’s life.” Rashi famously tells us that the repetition of “the years of Sarah’s life” indicates that, while they were not many in number, they were equally good. Rabbi Azencot explained that, like Sarah, all of Zak’s years were good. “He lived his life with a sense of urgency, running to catch every mitzvah. His life was full of achievement with concern for everyone and kavod for the Torah with majesty and dignity. He is a role model to all of us of how to live an achieved life.” Focusing on the achievements of his life can bring an acceptance that he fulfilled his mission in this world assuaging our need to ask why? Rabbi Mansour shared the advice he personally heard Rabbi Amar give to a grieving mother: “You have enough pain in your loss. Don’t pain yourself more in trying to figure it out.”

A True Friend

The short and meaningful life that Zak lived, was the epitome of verse 1:6 in Pirkei Avot, “Make for yourself a Rabbi, acquire for yourself a friend, and judge every person to the side of merit.” Zak’s friends and family overwhelmingly cited his love and respect for the Rabbis and described his yearning for and connection to them. He sought out their counsel, supported their causes, and was proud to know the rabbis and be known by them. Rabbis David Ozeri, Meyer Yedid, and David Sutton considered Zak to be a friend and they shared a close relationship with him. They applauded his successes and were awed by his commitment and devotion to tefillah and hesed. Rabbi Ozeri cites Zak’s delight at being able to donate generously, proactively writing a ma’aser check before he had even earned the money and celebrating with a l’haim, not to his earnings, but to his zechut for giving the money to charity.

Zak acquired many friends in his lifetime – you might say he sought out friendship from many and those he sought felt better for having known him. Ikey Mandalawy, a more recent friend, expressed the sheer comedy of his friendship with Zak given their 20-year age difference and lack of commonality. What was most impressive to Ikey was Zak’s conscientious adherence to the third element of our Mishna – judge your fellow favorably. Zak had on the spur of a moment joined Ikey and a group of men on a short trip to Israel. Ikey recounts a conversation he had with Zak on that trip. “Zak came to me and said, ‘When I first met you, I sized you up and made up my mind the kind of guy you are. But that’s not who you are. You are different than I thought you would be and I apologize for thinking that.’ I was surprised. I would have never known what he thought of me if he hadn’t said anything. But even thinking wrong about me upset him and he had to acknowledge it.” Zak’s inner conscience and his desire to achieve maximum growth motivated him to acknowledge his mistake and to deliver an apology even when not necessary.

A Man of Intense Dedication

Zak’s dedication to Torah, tefilla, hesed, and emet, and his profound respect for the Rabbis comes as no surprise to those who knew him well. Zak’s fierce dedication and loyalty, his enthusiastic energy, were all part of his DNA. He adored his parents, was passionately devoted to his wife and children, and held his friends dear. Every tefilla, said with deep fervor and intent was in the zechut of his children. Rabbi Ozeri witnessed his deep concentration during tefilla and believes that Zak “built a real relationship with Hashem through his prayers.” His children attest to the fact that he was their greatest fan and greatest support. He poured his love into them with his

heart and with his time. His mother, Sally Mishaan, described Zak’s singular ability to “make each person feel uniquely valued…and made them feel that you truly understood their struggle.”

We are told that anything we experience or witness in our life has significance from which we can learn and grow. What is the legacy that we inherit from Zak’s passing at the prime of his life? We can learn much by listening to the thoughts and emotions his children expressed at his arayat. Sally, described as her father’s princess, expressed her gratitude for all the shared times she had with her father and his excitement and encouragement of all her endeavors. Jackie began with words of thanks, as did both of his brothers. “My Dad used to say you can never say thank you enough, so I thank the community and give hakarat hatov to Hashem for creating this amazing community.” Jackie believes that clinging to Torah was the most valuable choice Zak ever made for his family and advises, “never take your parents for granted.” Zak’s son Sam witnessed his father invest in making a mark on people. “Dad,” he said at the arayat, “you believed in me, gave me strength, uplifted me, and built my inner confidence.” Richie summed up his father’s legacy of persistently working on himself and passing Torah values to his family. “It is our time to live as he lived – seize each moment of every day, fear Hashem in all of our doings, love unconditionally, and be relentless for our families.”

Zak’s World View

Rabbi Meyer Yedid observed that Zak lived his life with an intuitive understanding that the world we live in is not permanent. “When one recognizes that the world is temporary it gives you power, it gives you strength, it makes you value life, and the opportunities that life gives us…we start to love people, start to ask what are we responsible for, and we become givers.” Zak looked for the opportunities that would bring him closer to Hashem, he focused on the love he felt for his family and friends. He understood his responsibilities to his community and his avodah and sought out any occasion to become a giver. The length of our life does not determine the impact that we can make on the world. Zak is proof of this. The prerequisite for living a full and fulfilled life is the desire to show up and make a difference. And Zak made a difference in the lives of so many. In a loving tribute to his brother, Saul Mishaan expressed what he believed Zak would have liked to say to his friends and family. “Life is short; use your time wisely. Keep your friends close, draw strength from one another, enjoy your family, and always be grateful.”

These are words of wisdom that can help us to live our fullest, most connected life. May Hashem send comfort to his family, friends, and the entire community. And in the merit of trying to emulate Zak’s approach to life, may his neshama have an aliyah. Amen.

QUESTION:

Dear Rabbi Ali,

I would like to say my marriage has been good, but the truth is that it’s been anything but good. My husband is a great guy but he is extremely overbearing. He checks my phone calls and emails and interrogates me about my conversations. I have told him multiple times to stop, but he says we’re married and we are supposed to share everything. My question is, are we supposed to share everything?

R’ Ali’s Response:

There are many facets to this question. It is important to note that this situation is common and applies to both women and men.. I will address the topic first and then get back to your question. I must clarify first that if both husband and wife look through each other’s phone freely and there’s a mutual understanding that this is okay, then, for the most part it is fine. I am addressing this specific scenario where one of the two is not pleased with this behavior.

The famous Rabbi Shimon Gruen’s recipe for a strong healthy marriage is called the “mine, yours, and ours” concept. When it comes to decision making in a marriage, things can innocently get confusing and even frustrating. Before marriage, we made our own decisions as to where we go, what we eat, where we live, etc. Once we get married, many of our decisions will affect our spouse indirectly. If they do not like our clothes, for example, then they will be uncomfortable with our choice. If one wants to live in New York and one wants to live in New Jersey, only one party will get what they want. These decisions can be tricky and can be the source of much frustration. So, whose decision is it? People will come into a marriage with different ideas and philosophies of “who calls the shots,” based on upbringing or ideas they have heard.

First, there is the “mine” area. That is the area that directly affects you. Those are the decisions that usually make up who you are as an individual – what clothes you wear, what foods you eat, who your friends are, etc. These decisions belong to you alone. Your spouse should not be dictating how you operate. Of course, each spouse’s decisions and behaviors should be in the realm of what is considered acceptable and normal. To wear a clown suit all day is abnormal and your spouse has a right to tell you that this is unacceptable. It does get tricky, so as a rule of

thumb I tell people in order to determine what is normal is usually something that is a matter of preference. To be clear, this “mine” concept is a healthy way of living, to be your natural self so long as you are not harming anyone else.

The next part is the “yours,” which is the exact opposite of the “mine.” This is allowing your spouse to make decisions that pertain directly to themselves.

The third part is the “ours.” This is a shared area that pertains directly to both parties – where to live, where to send the kids to school, having children, etc.

In this area, both husband and wife have a say and should equally be involved in these decisions. This entire concept may sound mechanical and even confusing, but it is at the core of much marital friction.

There is another element to the “mine” and “yours” and that is privacy. Many people have a hard time with this, but each spouse is entitled to a certain amount of privacy. Not every conversation with everyone must or even should be shared. This does not mean we should hide things from our spouse. It means that everyone has a right to a certain amount of privacy. This does get tricky and is advisable to consult a professional with any questions.

Getting back to your questions, cell phones belong to their owners. There are many private conversations with family members or friends that are not meant for anyone else’s ears or eyes. A wife will hear from her sister that she is pregnant and should not tell anyone. A husband who sees this conversation without permission is breaching her privacy. In short, everyone should respect their spouse’s request not to look through their phone. If you have any questions, just ask! Communication is healthier than snooping around. If you have a specific situation that needs resolving, consult with your rabbi or a professional.