Ellen Geller Kamaras 

“Our students are our biggest fans. Sara Schenirer appeals to an expansive range of students: Ashkenaz, Sephardic, Chabad, Modern Orthodox, and even Jewish public-school students. Every student finds a place.”  ~ Faigy Barth, Development Director ~  

“You can’t imagine how “held” I feel in Sara Schenirer! Everyone wants the best for me! ~ Rachel, a Psychology undergraduate student ~ 

In 1981, a Brooklyn-based high school and seminary formed its first college partnership, allowing students to earn a degree in a Jewish environment without compromising their education or Jewish values.      

“We enrolled our first class in 1981,” shares Dean Elazar Meisels, “and have been registering and educating students in record numbers since then. Currently we have more than 1,500 undergraduate and 400 graduate students earning more than twenty different degrees. We were once considered a niche program for the religious community in Boro Park, but that’s changed. We now serve students from across the Jewish spectrum and our fastest growing demographic is the Sephardic community. They are an excellent match for our institution because they value quality education and appreciate the cultural sensitivity that underpins each of our programs.” 

Humble Beginnings      

In 1967, the Sara Schenirer High School and Teacher’s Seminary opened its doors in Boro Park, NY. Sara Schenirer was a typical religious girls’ high school and seminary, but it distinguished itself with its warmth and support. Teachers were religious, devoted, and invested in providing quality education. 

Rabbi Yehuda Michoel Meisels, the Dean, had a vision. Having watched so many Jewish teachers struggling to meet the needs of students with disabilities, he partnered with the College of Staten Island and offered degrees in education and special education. Upon the advice of his rabbis, with whom he consulted at each step along the way, he chose only professors who were experts in their fields as well as observant Jews.                                                                                                                                                                                                       

“Rabbi Michoel was determined to prove that one could earn a well-respected college degree, yet still remain a committed Jew,” shares Batsheva Shonek, Director of Sara Schenirer’s program. 

Program Expansion                                    

Rabbi Michoel retired in 2008, and in 2009, his son, Rabbi Elazar Meisels, assumed the role of Dean. Rabbi Elazar is a dynamic educator and leader who also has a global following on TorahAnytime, featuring his many weekly shiurim. Rabbi Elazar credits his father for having the vision to create such an institution. Although the school has grown in leaps and bounds since he assumed the reins, he maintains that they’ve faithfully kept to their original goals. “Sure, we’ve added many more degree options, additional locations, and we’re fully online too, but we still treat every student with the care and dignity that you won’t find anywhere else,” he explains. 

Sara Schenirer’s Partners 

Sara Schenirer is not a college or university and does not grant degrees. Instead, they partner with respected local colleges to offer degree programs. They feature partnerships with Wurzweiler School of Social Work, Manhattanville College, Yeshivah University, and many more.  

All undergraduate degrees are conferred through The College of Mount St. Vincent (#11 out of 54 in ranking as Regional North in the 2022-2023 Best Colleges) and Saint Peter’s University (#58 out of 181 Regional Universities North), affording Sara Schenirer the prestige associated with these respected institutions.   

According to Dean Meisels, this last point is very important. 

“Our students have gone on to Cardozo Law School, Columbia, Hofstra, Rutgers, and many other well-known universities for graduate school. Having such respected college partners makes this a reality.” 

While each degree is awarded by the college partner, not by Sara Schenirer, the student’s experience is shaped by Sara Schenirer. Fellow classmates and instructors are observant Jews and are thrilled to be in a religious environment where they can earn a stellar secular education. The class schedule follows the Jewish calendar and all hagim are off, including the days leading up to the hagim. 

Sara Schenirer Today 

I met with Faigy Barth, the vibrant Outreach Director, and with two young women from our own community who graduated from Sara Schenirer. 

Hearing about the robust support the graduates received from start to finish was especially impactful. It begins with help registering and choosing a career track and continues throughout the entire program and beyond. As a life and career coach, I am in awe of the fact that each student receives such valuable and consistent accountability support and coaching. This is especially unusual in higher education, where students can remain nameless for their four years of college.      

Faigy herself attended Sara Schenirer for her master’s in education and special education and has experienced the very benefits that she speaks so passionately about.           

Faigy emphasizes:  A real relationship is created with each student. We want every student to succeed, and we give them honest feedback about their career choices and academic performance. We understand that they are grappling with life decisions and want to support them so that they make sound choices. There’s a reason that our students pass NYS certification and licensing board exams at such incredibly high rates. The support and academic rigor prepare them so well that they can’t help but succeed!”       

Programs and Campuses 

In keeping with its namesake’s dream, Sara Schenirer’s mission is to offer degrees in fields that are lucrative, yet practical and flexible.  The goal is for women to be given the opportunity to be mothers and professionals with rewarding and satisfying careers. 

To that end, they feature programs in classic areas such as education, accounting, business, and speech therapy, but also in cutting edge fields such as data science, ABA, occupational therapy, MBA, and more. 

Altogether, Sara Schenirer offers ten undergraduate and six graduate programs for women. The Men’s Division currently includes two popular undergraduate programs in business and psychology and five graduate options, including cybersecurity, ABA, MBA, education and special education, and social work. “We’re always adding new programs to fit our students’ needs and to ensure that they have the opportunities they deserve,” added Faigy.  

Unique Features – Acceleration and Convenience  

A unique feature of the program is its accelerated nature. Almost every undergraduate degree can be completed in just three semesters because Sara Schenirer allows students to transfer in college-level credits earned in high school and seminary.  Tuition is extremely affordable with most undergraduate programs coming in below $20,000.  Eligible students can receive the full array of financial aid grants and loans from FAFSA (Pell, TAP, and TAG).  

Faigy explains, “We have a goal-oriented approach where students can focus on the core subjects and their majors. That’s why they can graduate in three semesters at such an affordable price without compromising on their education.” 

The fact that classes are offered wherever students are located makes it especially practical for post-high school and seminary students who often need to relocate during their degree program.  

“We have in-class locations all over the tri-state area and all our programs are entirely online, as well. No student needs to worry about not being able to finish her degree because it can transfer to wherever she is located,” adds Faigy.      

Another attractive perk is that students can work during the day since classes are held in the evenings and on Sundays, outside of working hours. “This allows them to gain valuable real-world experience and gives them a real foot in the door of the working world,” says Faigy. 

What the Graduates Say 

Meet Sarah S., who attended Orot Sara, a Sephardic Bet Yaakov school.  After high school, she studied for a year in Bais Yaakov Intensive Seminary.  Sarah knew that she wanted to become a teacher and had heard of many people who had received their graduate degrees from Sara Schenirer and had a fabulous experience.  She worked very hard while in school but says it was worth it!  Sarah joined the program and especially enjoyed her fieldwork experience at the Pathways Study Center. “I learned a lot from observing the teachers and worked as a paid assistant teacher helping students with learning disabilities on a one-on-one basis.” Sarah plans on attending Sara Schenirer’s master’s degree program in special education and is confident that she’ll be supported in finding a position when she graduates. “I strongly recommend Sara Schenirer. They are there for their students in every way. I came early for my interview, and they told me exactly which Coopersmith tests I needed to take to get college credits. I was able to complete the tests even before starting the program.”      

Rachel, a Psychology undergraduate student, added:           

“You can’t imagine how ‘held’ I feel in Sara Schenirer! Everyone wants the best for me! I struggled in school, and you can imagine what that did to my sense of self. I love the warmth, the dedication, and the positive energy from the staff and professors! There is always an extension to dial and a caring person on the other end!”    
 

Sarah S.G. completed both her undergraduate and graduate degrees through Sara Schenirer with a bachelor’s in psychology, and master’s in special education.  A Brooklyn native who attended Magen David Yeshiva and Ilan High School, she refers to herself as a walking advertisement for Sara Schenirer.  “I found out about their programs at an Ilan College Fair.  Five of my friends joined me. I recommend Sara Schenirer to everyone. The staff supported me throughout and helped me figure out how to get a job!”      

Sara Schenirer’s graduates fare exceptionally well in the job market. “Employers seek out our graduates because they are so well-trained,” Faigy explained. “Many of our education graduates become Board of Education employees, and our ABA graduates are opening and staffing agencies.  When you are well-educated and accustomed to working hard, finding a good job will never be a problem.”  

To learn more about Sara Schenirer and whether any of their programs are right for you, their online open houses are a great source of valuable information.  “At our Open House, we inform rather than sell.  We support each person through their decision,” Faigy explained. “If we don’t think Sara Schenirer is the best option for someone, we’ll let them know that.  Many of our programs have strict admissions requirements and we discuss them openly and honestly.” 

To find out more and register for an upcoming Open House, please reach out to Sara Schenirer’s friendly admissions counselors through their website, www.sarasch.com, by telephone, 718-633-8557 ext. 37, or through email, information@sarasch.com. 

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Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching.  Ellen is active in her community and is currently the Vice-President of Congregation Bnai Avraham in Brooklyn Heights.  She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com(www.lifecoachellen.com).  

Menuchat hanefesh is not just about peace of mind. The term choli hanefesh refers to someone whose soul is sick, a term for mental illness. Menuchat hanefesh is the ultimate mental wellness. So. let us discuss the concept of tolerating as it refers to mental illness, and how this trait of savlanus (savlanut), tolerance, will help us in this area, as well. 

How Anxiety Works 

One of the most common mental challenges of our time is anxiety. If we call someone near and dear to us on their cell phone three times and they don’t answer, we grow concerned and begin to worry. What happened? Were they kidnapped? Were they in a car accident? Every possible frightening scenario flits through our mind. 

That’s anxiety. 

In truth, Gd gave us anxiety for a good reason, so that we should be concerned in dangerous situations. Otherwise, we’d just run into the street, befriend bears and bees, or walk down dark alleyways in crime-ridden neighborhoods. So we need anxiety to help keep us safe. The problem is when it becomes blown out of proportion, when an innocent pussycat looks like a ferocious tiger.  

Nowadays, many people are afflicted with anxiety disorders.  How did this come to be? 

An anxiety disorder stems from the struggle to tolerate uncertainty. The uncertainty is there, but can we tolerate it? That niggling feeling has wormed its way into our heart. Can we just hold it? If we can, then we are able to overcome the natural anxiety before it turns into a disorder. If not… 

Two Approaches to Alleviate Anxiety 

Two of the many approaches to working with anxiety in therapy are CBT and ACT.  In CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, we initiate change in either cognition, behavior, or emotion by attempting to change one or more of these three elements. Another form of therapy, which is gaining in popularity among mental health professionals, is ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy. 

The most obvious difference, in one sentence, is that CBT aims to help identify and change negative or destructive thoughts, whereas ACT maintains that pain and discomfort are a fact of life, and one would benefit more by accepting the feelings of uncertainty. In fact, Dr. Steven Hayes, the developer of ACT, posits that fighting the anxiety will often serve to reinforce it, as we are giving it an excessive amount of attention and thereby keeping these fearful thoughts in our minds rather than allowing them to fade away, out of our consciousness. 

One method to accomplish this is to add the clause I’m having a thought that… to a thought that causes anxiety.  For example, if one finds that he is thinking along the lines of: I will never be successful, and then amends it to: I’m having a thought that I will never be successful, the anxiety itself can be decreased. We are not attempting to change the thought (I will be successful), but we are merely identifying what is taking place in real time. And what is truly taking place is not that we won’t be successful (as we don’t know the future), it’s that we are having a thought that we won’t be. 

With the average human brain processing about 70,000 thoughts per day, we don’t need to address most of these thoughts; it’s just that anxiety tricks our brains into thinking we must do so – particularly the thoughts that are negative or frightening.  If we have thoughts akin to: There is an army of elephants invading Brooklyn, we are (hopefully) unlikely to board our windows and doors, as we know it is just a silly thought. We accept the thought as is: a thought. 

Hence, tolerance and acceptance are at the core of alleviating anxiety. 

 TAKEAWAY 

If negative thoughts are seeping into your brain and bringing anxiety in their wake, tolerate and accept them as thoughts, while telling yourself, “The chances of these thoughts coming true are as unlikely as a herd of elephants raiding my neighborhood.” 

The world is full of therapy skeptics. 

What can a therapist tell me about myself that I don’t already know? What’s the point? Why should I spend years on a couch talking about my childhood? How did some schooling give therapists all the answers? I’m not crazy, therapy isn’t for me. 

Those are excellent questions – and legitimate ones – that keep people from seeking help and living their best lives. In fact, it takes the average person a whopping 11 years to reach out to a therapist after noticing an issue. 

Nobody should have to suffer for so long when the solution to their suffering is so accessible. Let’s address and clear up some of the most common misconceptions that prevent too many people from achieving healthy and satisfying lives, relationships, and futures. 

Why Bother with Therapy? 

Myth: I already know that I have a problem, and I know myself better than any therapist possibly can. Why should I bother with therapy? 

Fact: The majority of people who receive therapy already know what the problem is. Many, if not most, therapy clients are well-acquainted with their troubles: I know I shouldn’t be afraid to ask my boss for a raise, but the thought of it makes me break out in a cold sweat. I know I shouldn’t get angry at my wife and kids, but I find myself yelling every day. I know that I need to stop binging if I want to lose weight, but I can’t help myself. I know I shouldn’t be depressed; my life is so good. Why can’t I get out of this funk? 

The point of therapy is not to uncover new, earth-shattering revelations about you and your personality. The point is to help you learn how to deal with your issue and stop it from interfering with your potential. A therapist won’t tell you what you already know, but he or she will help you get unstuck from your rut and progress with your life. 

Myth: I struggle with legitimate concerns about things that can realistically happen. What can a therapist tell me that will allay my anxiety? He can’t promise that there’s nothing to worry about. 

Fact: Most concerns are rooted in reality. Worrying about something that can realistically happen – I’ll get in legal trouble for a financial error at work, my kid may drop out of high school and start using drugs, my parents will die – is normal, and a therapist will never discount or try to eliminate real thoughts. Having concerns like this can be prudent as they may spur you to take necessary precautions, like looking both ways before you cross the street. 

What can be harmful to your wellbeing is when these thoughts become intrusive or disruptive in some way; if they’re constant, last too long, or have physical, emotional, or otherwise severe repercussions. A therapist will work with you to reduce the frequency, intensity, and/or duration of the thought or feeling so that it doesn’t hinder your quality of life. 

How Can Therapists Know All? And What About Meds?! 

Myth: How can a therapist profess to have all the answers when she can’t know everything about me? 

Fact: Therapists certainly don’t have all the answers. Therapy isn’t to hand you answers – because you probably know the answers already – but rather therapy can empower you to learn more about yourself and the forces that drive you.  

Often, clients are unaware of the impact of the automatic thoughts and feelings that shape their responses and reactions. Therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, helps clients to explore and work with those thoughts and feelings, which will decrease one’s pain and help them live quality lives. It’s not complicated or scary. It’s simply helping you access what you already know. 

Myth: Therapy and medication is only for people with real issues, like schizophrenia or bipolar or severe mental illness. Why should I go to a therapist who will try to keep me in therapy and on meds for the rest of my life? 

Fact: Therapy and medication can help anyone. It is not reserved for “crazy” people. Quite the opposite! For many common conditions and for people who don’t progress with therapy alone, medication is a vital (and temporary) tool that can and does help countless people overcome their difficulties with minimal side effects (depending on one’s diagnoses – speak to your medical care provider). Additionally, therapists don’t intend to keep you on as lifelong clients. Our goal is to help you work through your problem and emerge stronger and more confident in your ability to navigate your life and its challenges. 

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net

Sam Sutton

In the annals of sports history, some matchups transcend the boundaries of competition and transform into legendary showdowns that capture the hearts of fans around the world. The 2023 M&S World Series promises to be one such epic battle, featuring the number one seeded One Team, One Dream, captained by Steven Gindi, and the number two seeded Diamond Busters, led by the indomitable Gabe Abadi. These two titanic teams have taken their regular-season prowess and translated it into a dominant playoff performance, setting the stage for a classic World Series showdown.

Road to the World Series

One Team, One Dream (OTOD) has been nothing short of sensational throughout the season, capturing the coveted top seed with a combination of stellar pitching, clutch hitting, and flawless teamwork. Captain Steven Gindi has been the steady hand guiding his team’s ship, fostering a culture of unity and a shared vision that reflects in the team’s name itself: One Team, One Dream. This unity was on full display in the playoffs, where every player on the roster contributed their fair share, proving that OTOD is more than just a one-man show.

While the stars often shine the brightest, it was the unsung heroes toward the bottom of the lineup who played pivotal roles in OTOD’s remarkable journey to the World Series. Albert Sitt, Eric Cytryn, and Danny Chabbot may not have the spotlight as often as some of their teammates, but their clutch performances in the playoffs have been the backbone of OTOD’s success. Their unwavering determination and ability to come through in pressure situations have earned them the respect and admiration of fans and teammates alike.

Diamond Busters 

On the other side of the diamond, the Diamond Busters have lived up to their name by bulldozing through their opponents en route to the World Series. Gabe Abadi, the inspirational leader of the Diamond Busters, has been a driving force behind the team’s success. His leadership, both on and off the field, has motivated his teammates to perform at their absolute best when it matters most.

In the Diamond Busters’ playoff series against Gucci, they showcased their mettle with big-time performances from key players like Yehuda Fallas, Carlos Abadi, Leo Setton, and Edmund Beyda. These players stepped up in critical moments, proving that the Diamond Busters are a force to be reckoned with. Their journey to the World Series was not just about winning games; it was about making a statement and establishing themselves as worthy contenders.

The Clash of Titans

As One Team, One Dream and the Diamond Busters prepare to face off in the 2023 M&S World Series, the stage is set for a showdown of epic proportions. Both teams have demonstrated an unwavering commitment to excellence and a winning mentality throughout the season and the playoffs. Their remarkable journey to this point has captured the imagination of fans and has the makings of a classic World Series.

The matchup between OTOD and the Diamond Busters promises to be a showcase of baseball at its finest. From the strategic prowess of the captains to the skill and determination of each player, every aspect of the game will be on full display. The tension on the field will be matched only by the roar of the crowd, creating an electrifying atmosphere that can only be found in the World Series.

Key Players to Watch

In a series of this magnitude, there are always standout players who have the potential to make a significant impact on the outcome. For One Team, One Dream, the spotlight may shift to Albert Sitt, Eric Cytryn, and Danny Chabbot once again. These players have proven their ability to rise to the occasion, and their contributions may prove to be the difference-makers in key moments of the series.

For the Diamond Busters, the trio of Yehuda Fallas, Carlos Abadi, and Leo Setton will be players to watch. Their playoff heroics have already made them stars in their own right, and they will undoubtedly be called upon to deliver crucial plays in the World Series. 

Stay Tuned…

Victor Cohen

If you did not make it to the Park Avenue Synagogue (Congregation Ohel Simha) fundraising event this past August 31st in Long Branch, NJ, you missed out on something special. The event, dedicated to raising funds for the synagogue’s expansion, was hosted in the beautiful backyard of Lauren and Ike Levy. 

An Evening to Remember 

Everyone who attended was warmly greeted by the former shul president, Michael Fallas, who presented each person with a beautiful book about Ohel Simha, detailing its history and highlighting the reasons for its needed expansion.  

As the guests entered they were treated to the music of a live band, led by renowned hazzan David Shiro. The lovely scenery and twinkling lights made for a festive atmosphere. No community event is complete without special food, and attendees were not disappointed, as the bountiful spread of different delicacies were pleasing to every palate.   

The he  program opened with a special award presented to Ike Levy, the shul president. Ike was honored for his “unparalleled leadership, mastership, and dedication” to Ohel Simha’s expansion project.

Inspiring Speeches 

The speeches and video highlighted the importance of the expansion project, the pressing need to accommodate the growing numbers in the shul, and the importance of giving back to the community.  

The first speaker was Rabbi Meyer Yedid. He spoke about hearing a bat kol, a Heavenly voice. There have been individuals who were able to pick up on a bat kol and acted upon that voice, to build and to support our community however they could. Rabbi Yedid said, “There are some people out there, special, great people, that get involved. They don’t just know what’s going on, but make what’s going on.” Rabbi Yedid noted that the night was not about a specific need in the community that would serve only specific people. Rather, the event was about Ohel Simcha, which serves the entire community. 

Rabbi Yedid then  spoke about the perek in Tehillim, “Hanukat Habayit” for the Beit Hamikdash, David Hamelech composed this psalm although he himself did not build the Beit Hamikdash. How could he write a psalm celebrating something that was not yet built? Rabbi Yedid answered that David did the very most he could, in terms of creating the blueprints and securing the location. If you do the most that you can for a project, it is as if you yourself finished it. It is as if it became yours. “The Beit Hamikdash was named after a man who wasn’t even alive when it was complete. Why? Because he did everything he could while alive to make it complete.” 

Rabbi Yedid concluded with praise for the Sephardic community, which is growing in both quality and quantity. He emphasized the importance of becoming involved now, and doing so in the best way that you can, not just for yourself, but for your children. He asked those gathered, “What prouder thing could we say to our children than we built the building?” 

Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, the next speaker, smiled as he spoke of the shul as a space that is always bustling, both night and day. He said, “The parking lot is jammed. If I come in the morning at 6am I’m late!” 

Rabbi Choueka spoke about the nature of kedusha. He quoted from the gemara, saying that if you made part of something holy, then the holiness spreads through the object and envelops it. So too, with the community, kedusha can spread out from a single point and ripple through everyone and everything it surrounds. This highlighted the importance of what Ohel Simcha is fundraising for. How much greater would the community be overall if Park Avenue could expand and exude more kedusha? It would benefit everybody. 

Book Dedicated to Ohel Simha’s Past and Future 

Many in attendance commented on the inspiring book that was handed out. Included was the beautiful story behind the founding of the Park Avenue Synagogue. In July 1989, four sons, Mal, Eddie, Jack, and Mike Mamiye a”h, were looking to honor the memory of their beloved mother, Simha Mamiye Dabbah a”h. They transformed the local minyan into Congregation Ohel Simha.  

With Gd’s help, the community flourished and Park Avenue Synagogue has become the thriving center of Torah and prayer that it is today. The book included some of the history of the Sephardic community, and noted the reverence the community has for our rabbis and the important role they play. 

The Legacy Wall 

The book also describes Park Avenue’s newest initiative to honor community rabbis – The Legacy Wall. “Through the Legacy Wall we pay homage to our revered Rabbis who have guided us and nurtured us, ensuring that their impact endures for generations to come. It will serve as a testament to the enduring spirit of our community and our commitment to preserving our heritage.” 

The Legacy Wall rabbis include Rabbi Avraham Hamra, Rabbi Yom-Tov Yedid, Rabbi Jacob S. Kassin, Rabbi Shaul J. Kassin, Rabbi Hacham Baruch Ben-Haim, Rabbi Shlomo Diamond, Rabbi Hacham Sion Maslaton, and Rabbi Shmuel Choueka. These esteemed rabbis have helped to shape and support our community. Their guidance was critical for the community as it grew and prospered. The Legacy Wall is a fitting tribute and a show of sincere hakarat hatov. 

The book closes with several pictures of what will be in the future, with Gd’s help – from a new social hall to a larger Torah Center, and even a ladies mikveh. 

Final Speech and Conclusion 

The final speaker was Ike Levy. He spoke about the practical aspects of the expansion project. He said Ohel Simha has “no other option other than to expand the building.” An expansion will allow the shul to serve the growing community and the growing interest in learning Torah. Ike discussed the next phase, which will be an expansion of the learning room and the creation of a second floor to ensure that their morning and night programs could keep growing. The community is growing and Ohel Simha is dedicated to meeting the needs of the community. He noted, “We’re a shul that accommodates the entire community.” 

After Ike spoke, the evening concluded with an inspiring, beautifully done video. 

People left with a sense of achdut, and with a feeling of increased commitment to support Ohel Simha. Despite the incredible amount of hard work that went into the event, Ike’s wife, Lauren, said simply, “It’s an honor to host this beautiful event for the benefit of the shul.”  Certainly, those in attendance felt honored to participate.

Albert has a tough dilemma that is keeping him up at night: His elderly mother’s health is deteriorating, requiring her to receive round-the-clock care. She wants to move in with Albert. Miri, Albert’s wife, loves her mother-in-law very much, but she is worried that their house is too small and is also concerned that having Albert’s mother move in will stress their marriage and negatively affect their shalom bayit. Miri suggests sending her mother-in-law to a nearby nursing home instead. Albert asked me what should he do – listen to Miri or his mother? 

The decision to invite an elderly parent to move in with a child or instead reside in a nursing home is a complex issue, requiring carefully considering the balance between the mitzva of kibud av va’em with shalom bayit. The obligation to honor parents extends beyond mere words; it encompasses actions and deeds. The Fifth Commandment: “Honor your father and your mother” (Shemot 20:12) includes the obligation to provide for a parent’s needs, including food, clothing, and even health care. But even while the obligation to honor one’s parents is paramount, shalom bayit is also the cornerstone of Judaism and Hashem’s holy Name is erased for the sake of shalom bayit (Sukkah 53a). So, what does Albert do if this mitzva comes at the expense of his wife Miri’s concerns?  

Take into Consideration 

There are a few matters to consider. If Albert’s mother requires professional medical care and round-the-clock supervision, it may very well be that Albert’s family does not have the ability to care for her at home. A suitable nursing home may be the more reasonable option, providing it can meet all of her medical needs and offer professional care and safety. On the other hand, being cared for by family in their home is often more comforting and provides the elderly parent with a loving home, something that cannot be easily replicated elsewhere. Sending a parent to a nursing home should therefore not be done simply out of convenience or to relieve a sense of personal responsibility, especially if this will cause emotional distress to the parent.  

Hacham Yitzchak Yosef, Shlit”a, writes that whenever possible, one should try to care for parents in one’s home. However, if there are space constraints or bringing a parent into the home may cause friction and marital strife, shalom bayit takes precedence (Yalkut Yosef, Dinim Laisha, 52:5, based on S.A. E.H. 74:10).  

Considering the general preference to care for a parent at home whenever possible, if a child is faced with the challenge that doing so may lead to conflicts with one’s spouse, it is important to recognize that there are many different options for possibly making things easier. Examples include employing a full-time caregiver in the home, enlisting the support of other family members, and modifying the home environment to accommodate the parent’s needs. Ultimately, the goal should be to balance the sacred duty of kibud av va’em by ensuring the parent’s well-being while maintaining one’s shalom bayit.  

Rabbinic Advice 

Because the Shulchan Aruch (Y.D. 240:5 and Beit Yosef ibid) rules that a child need not spend their own funds to fulfill the mitzvah of kibud av va’em, if a parent does need to live in a nursing home, the costs should be borne by the parent. If the parent cannot afford to pay and the children have enough funds, the children should pay. However, if the children are unable to afford this, they can use their tzedaka funds to support their parents (ibid).  

In a situation where the parent has sufficient funds but is unwilling to pay, Hacham Yitzchak rules that the children should use their own funds but can later be reimbursed from the inheritance. That said, it is best to first speak with a rabbi to avoid any potential issues, as inheritance law is fraught with halachic and emotional challenges. 

In grappling with the decision of placing a parent in a nursing home, it is essential for families to seek guidance from knowledgeable halachic authorities. Rabbis can provide personalized guidance, taking into account the specific circumstances of the family and the parent’s condition. Each situation is unique and there may be different approaches based on factors such as the parent’s health condition, the availability of other caregivers, financial considerations, the overall well-being of the family unit, and balancing kibud av vaem and shalom bayit. 

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer, and writer on medical halacha, and is the head of the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome. To contact Rabbi Finchas, email rabbi@torathabayit.com.