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Spotlight on Mental Health – Unmasking Anger

Dr. Yossi Shafer 

 

We’ve established that anger does exist, but not as a primary emotion.  Rather, anger is a response, a coping mechanism to override the painful primary emotion. Put simply, anger is a protective measure that cloaks what we’re really feeling: abandoned, unloved, worthless, ashamed, or guilty, among other feelings. 

This awareness can be lifechanging in virtually every area of life. When you learn to look beyond anger, you gain profound insight into what lies beneath it. Rather than attempting to overcome the symptom (anger), you’ll begin identifying and eradicating the root cause. 

Three of the major relationships affected by anger are spousal, employee/employer, and parental. Imagine these scenarios: 

In Marriage 

Linda has had a rough day. She argued with her sister, her mother guilted her for not visiting on Shabbat, her client was disappointed with her work, the kids misbehaved all day, and her fancy dessert just flopped. At the end of the day, she vents to her husband, Joey.  

Now Joey’s a logical thinker who automatically offers solutions to Linda’s tale of woe. Your sister will get over it. Go visit Mom tomorrow. One disappointed client is fine, he’s too picky. Next time give the kids some extra screen time. Maybe frosting will help? 

Joey is pleased with his good-husband skills. But, shockingly, Linda turns her fury on him. Don’t you think I know all that? Why do you always do this? Do you think I’m a total idiot? 

Feeling rejected and hurt, Joey returns the anger. Well, excuse me for trying to help. If you’re so smart, why do you even tell me all this? 

What both spouses need here is to explore and express what they’re really feeling. This takes vulnerability and openness, which can be scary but will pay off. Linda needs to share that she wants someone to listen and validate her feelings – without problem-solving – instead of misdirecting her frustration and overwhelm onto Joey, and Joey needs to react with the stinging hurt that he’s feeling (hey, that’s hurtful, I was just trying to help) rather than with anger. Bonus points if he can recognize that she’s reacting from a place of pain! 

In the Workplace 

Tensions ran high at Max’s office today. The boss chewed him out for taking a lunch break, a coworker called him a moron for making a rookie mistake, another coworker is upset that he’s not pulling his weight on a joint project, and the secretary keeps asking him to do things outside of his job description.  

So when he finds himself teetering on the brink of road rage on the way home, snapping at his kids, and writing snarky passive-aggressive responses to emails, he realizes it’s time to take a look at what’s really driving his anger. 

I feel like the boss is always out to get me. Coworker #1 is a bully. Coworker #2 doesn’t listen to me; it feels like what I say doesn’t matter. The secretary is taking advantage of my people-pleasing tendencies. 

When Max gets in touch with these underlying emotions, he can effectively deal with them and their fallout. 

I’m insulted that he called me a moron, but I know I’m not a moron. Clearly he had a bad day. 

The boss yells at everyone when he’s stressed. Why am I taking it personally? 

I need to clearly lay out boundaries with my project collaborator and the secretary before this gets out of hand. 

Once he reframes, he can handle the workplace stresses. 

As a Parent 

Bedtime is endless tonight in Rose’s house. Eli keeps popping out of bed, disturbing his siblings, and getting increasingly wilder. An hour after lights-out, he’s bouncing off the walls, his brother is crying, and Rose hasn’t accomplished anything. 

When the baby – who finally fell asleep – wakes up from Eli’s antics, Rose loses it. 

She manhandles Eli into bed, threatens everything that he loves, and slams the door. Three minutes later, three kids (and their mom) are crying as Rose collapses on the couch in a fit of shame. Why am I feeling so guilty? He doesn’t listen until I get mad.  

When a parent reacts angrily, it’s about the parent, not the child. To avoid the out-of-control angry response, Rose needs to tune in to herself: his actions make me feel powerless, disrespected, annoyed, like a bad parent. When she shifts her mindset to recognize her true emotions, she can employ parenting tactics that will work without leaving her with post-anger guilt. 

Next month, we’ll discuss how to respond to others’ anger. 

 

 

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net

The New Mortgage Fee Structure

Many headlines circled the internet regarding new mortgage guidelines implemented by the Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA), which were pushed by the Biden Administration. FHFA fees, also called loan level pricing adjustment (LLPA) fees, have been part of a conventional loan lending since 2008, and are designed to ensure the “stability and soundness” of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, two U.S. government-sponsored mortgage companies.  Many mistakenly think that the new mortgage guidelines will result in consumers with higher credit scores ending up paying more on their mortgage than consumers with a lower credit score.  This is not the case.  

 

The new mortgage rules went into effect May 1st. Higher credit scores will still give you better mortgage rates.  However, the gap is narrowing and the government is making rates for those with good scores worse than they were previously, and the rates for those with poor scores are slightly better. 

 

In my opinion, those with good credit scores are paying the price and narrowing the gap for those with bad credit scores. BUT don’t be tricked into thinking that bad credit scores pay off! 

 

First Things First 

 

It’s not true that someone with a lower credit score will pay less on their mortgage than someone with a higher credit score.  There is absolutely no case in which someone with a lower credit score will pay less than someone with a higher credit score. 

 

So What Changed? 

 

The new LLPA (Loan Level Price Adjustment) guidelines reduce the gap between consumers with high credit scores and consumers with lower credit scores. 

The guidelines reduce the gap by raising the rates for those with high credit scores and lowering the rates for consumers with low credit scores.  So, this reduces the gap between the two.  But the end result is still that the higher credit score gets the better rate, just the difference is smaller.  

 

For example, let’s use a $500k mortgage on a $625k purchase price. A consumer with a 640-credit score with the old rates would pay 7.6 percent interest.  With the new rates, they pay only 7.3 percent. 

 

Using the same scenario, a consumer with a 740-mortgage score with the old rates would pay only 6.3 percent interest but with the new rates that consumer’s interest rate will be raised to 6.6 percent.  

So, the buyer with the 740-credit score is paying more than he/she used to, but they are still paying much less than the buyer with the 640-credit score (6.6 percent versus 7.3 percent). 

 

Why Are They Making These Changes? 

 

These changes are part of a government initiative to make homeownership more affordable to underserved communities and first-time homebuyers. I think that the Biden administration wants to close the racial homeownership gap and bring more low-income buyers to the home buying market.  Their thinking is that low-income consumers usually have lower credit scores, so lowering their rates and offsetting the loss by having consumers with high credit scores pay higher rates will help them. 

However, I think this is extremely unfair to the consumers who worked hard to build their credit and now they must pay a higher interest rate in order to offset the loss from higher risk borrowers with low credit scores. 

 

Where It Is Getting Better 

 

Two-Four-unit property:  Buyers used to pay higher interest rates for a two-four- unit apartment than for a single unit.  Now buyers will pay for a two-four-unit the same rate as for a single – this is a great help for many investors. 

Putting a bigger down payment: Putting down a bigger down payment always helped your interest rate, but now it will help more than ever, especially for consumers with low credit scores.  The difference in interest rates will now be more significant when putting down a bigger down payment (unless you put down as little as five percent, then the adjustment shockingly becomes better!  However, it is important to consult your mortgage lender about the other implications a larger loan can mean). 

Basically, the difference in interest rates for someone with a high credit score and someone with a low credit score is now less than it used to be, but someone with a high credit score still gets better rates than someone with a low credit score. 

 

The Ninth Annual Hatzalah Carnival

Rivka Schmool 

 

 

Summers in Deal are the best! And the highlight of the summer for the past nine years is the much anticipated annual Hatzalah of the Jersey Shore Carnival. This year the fun will commence at the JCC on August 6th 

 

Hatzalah of the Jersey Shore does so much for the Jewish community, with EMTs on call 24/7. This carnival is a great way to show appreciation to our local heroes!  

 

Fun for All 

 

The carnival is shaping up to be quite the event, thanks to a team of hardworking volunteers. With rides appropriate for toddlers to teenagers, nobody will be bored! Hang on to your hats for the rollercoasters, dunk tanks, carousels, and more. Children especially love the petting zoo, which will include pony rides! Take your chances on a huge selection of carnival games, with prizes of all kinds. No participant will leave empty handed. If you play, you get to select a toy.  

 

The carnival will also feature ambulance tours, giving community members a chance to see up close how the EMTs work inside the ambulances.  Enjoy a delicious BBQ complete with hot dogs, hamburgers, French fries, and all the works! And you can snack on popcorn, cotton candy, Italian ices, and more.  

 

Hatzalah’s Summer Tips 

 

To an EMT there is no greater feeling than that of saving a life and seeing people who they helped living a full and happy life. Of course, since Hatzalah volunteers would rather see every one safe and healthy, they would like to offer some tips on how to prevent life threatening emergencies.  

 

  • Put your local Hatzalah phone number by every pool, and make sure to have the address of the pool visible from the street.  
  • Make sure to keep hydrated when enjoying the beautiful weather!  
  • Make sure bike helmets are worn whenever your child is riding their bike, scooter, hoverboard, etc.  

 

One of the best ways to be able to help when someone is in danger, especially during the summer months when we spend more time outside in the heat and around pools, is to get certified in CPR.  

 

The 9th annual Hatzalah carnival is a day to be spent with family and friends, have a great time, and learn about the organization that helps our community so much. People come from all over NJ and NY to experience the day of fun and ahdut. There’s never a boring minute at the carnival, with games, rides, food, and more! It’s certainly not a day to be missed! Sunday, August 6th, at the JCC in Deal, NJ.  

 

We’ll be there!

New Seventh and Eighth Grade Yeshiva League is a Big Hit

 Ezra C. Sultan 

The dream of forming one of the most anticipated yeshiva leagues in years, for seventh and eighth graders, has come to fruition! The league just completed its first exciting season. 

Action From the Start

At the start of the season Magen David Yeshivah, led by Coaches Ezra Sultan and Richie Mizrachi, came out of the gate on fire and finished with a perfect 6-0 record.  

Closely following was a very strong YDE squad, led by coaches Sammy Esses and Max Antar, who boasted a 5-1 record.

The 6-0 MDY Warriors battled HALB in the semi-finals. The other semi-final matchup featured the 5-1 YDE Thunder vs. the 2-3 Barkai Suns. Barkai Yeshivah pulled off a major upset, knocking out YDE in an absolute stunner, 4-3, to advance to the World Series.

Later that day, MDY wowed the fans by decimating  HALB with a stunning 12-0 victory, which advanced MDY to the World Series. 

 

World Series Game – Fans Go Wild

Fans packed in by the hundreds anxiously waiting to watch this highly-anticipated matchup. The crowd got out of their seats as they wildly cheered on their teams. 

The MDY Warriors roster included pitcher Charles Sultan, 3B Abie Antar, SS Leon Franco, 2B Eddie Massre,1B Morris Kredi, SCF Isaac Mizrahi, LF Marshall Levy, CF David Abadi, RF Stephen Zekaria, catcher Joshua Ovadia, and DH Isaac Hazan 

The Barkai Suns roster featured pitcher Joe Dweck, 1B Marvin Fallack, 2B Albert Salman, SS Richie Mishaan, 3B Sammy Shammah, SCF Benny Mizrahi, LF Jeremy Sakkal, CF Sam Salem, and RF Solomon Cohen.

The game got off to an exciting start. In the top of the first, Marvin Fallack from Barkai hit a line drive double to drive in the game’s first run and put his team up 1-0.

MDY answered back in the bottom half of the inning. A blistering double off the bat of the speedy lead-off hitter Eddie Massre followed by a frozen rope in the gap by pitcher Charles Sultan knotted the game at 1-1.

In the fourth inning, the MDY Warriors took a 2-1 lead after Joshua Ovadia smoked a double to left scoring David Abadi. 

In the top of the seventh inning, Barkai had two men on base with two outs while trailing by one run. Up stepped Marvin Fallack to the plate.

Fallack waved his bat with bravado, putting fear into the MDY fans, who were nervously counting the outs, shouting, “One more out!” Suddenly, MDY coaches called a timeout for a meeting on the mound. 

 

A Risky Tactic 

The Warriors defense gathered for a quick huddle. They decided to intentionally walk Fallack to load the bases with the game on the line! Now, even a walk would tie the game and a single might even give Barkai the lead!

What a gutsy call by the Warriors coaching staff, which showed their full trust in their all-star pitcher and defense. But would this work? 

Their bold plan worked to perfection! The next Barkai batter struck out, to end the game stranding the bases loaded. 

 

Kudos to the MDY Champs 

MDY earned the title of undefeated champions! Their legacy will live on as the first-ever champions of the MJDSBL Seventh-Eighth Grade Softball League inaugural season. 

Congratulations to both teams on a wonderful season!

Medical Halacha – Plastic Surgery

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas 

 

Ely was visibly concerned. He took a couple of deep breaths and shared his dilemma with me. “My brother-in-law asked for a twenty-thousand-dollar loan to undergo cosmetic surgery in Mexico. I feel that not only is he gambling with his health, but quite frankly, it is completely unnecessary. I’m not even sure if this is permitted according to halacha. He says that every time he looks in the mirror he squirms, but he looks absolutely fine to me. What do I do?” 

 

In a fascinating responsum (Yabia Omer CM, 8:12), Hacham Ovadia, zt”l,  outlined three potential halachic issues with plastic surgery: self-harm, self-endangerment, and whether plastic surgery is considered to be part of the halachic mandate of healing. Let’s outline his approach and see how it applies to Ely’s question.  

 

  1. A person has no right to harm himself or herself (“chabala”) as is clearly articulated in the Talmud (Baba Kama 90b), Rambam (Hovel 5:1), and Shulchan Aruch (CM 420:31). Generally, this applies to injuring yourself in a harmful way. Plastic surgery, however, even though it technically starts off by harming the body, is meant to be therapeutic. Does the prohibition apply here as well? Hacham Ovadia explains that self-harm is only prohibited when done in a destructive fashion. Therefore, in the context of surgically removing a blemish or for other cosmetic reasons, the prohibition of “chabala” would not apply.

 

  1. Every surgery carries certain risks and potential complications, such as infection, bleeding, scarring, nerve damage, and potentially more serious issues with anesthesia. Generally speaking, we are not permitted to unnecessarily place ourselves in dangerous situations. However, Hacham Ovadia elucidates that with the advancements of medicine and the safety measures in place, experience has shown that these procedures are generally safe and are therefore permitted.

 

  1. Hacham Ovadia’s final concern was whether cosmetic surgery qualifies as “healing” and therefore is within the Torah’s mandate of “VeRapoh Yerapeh.” Rabbi Eliezer Waldenberg objected to performing surgery except when it is considered medically curative and qualifies as healing; otherwise, it is forbidden. Hacham Ovadia, however, disagrees and demonstrates that the Talmud (Ketubot 74b) already describes the removal of blemishes as healing. When the Talmud (Shabbat 50b) explains that removing scabs is allowed to alleviate pain, Tosafot (Bishvil) extends this to include psychological or emotional pain. Even if the type of pain is experiencing embarrassment in the company of others, “there is no greater pain than this.” Hacham Ovadia concludes that cosmetic surgery is certainly permitted for reasons of “shalom bayit” or to help marriage prospects. 

 

Having said that, great caution is needed, as some people may have unrealistic expectations about what plastic surgery can achieve, and those expectations can have serious psychological consequences, especially if they do not achieve the desired results. This is especially true with those with body dysmorphic disorders or those who have an unhealthy excessive preoccupation with their appearance. 

 

In regard to Ely’s question, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It is a complex issue that depends on a variety of factors, including the individual’s motives for seeking surgery, the potential risks and benefits, and the specific procedure in question. It is certainly worthwhile to find out why he is travelling to Mexico and not having the surgery in the USA. Sometimes, people travel to areas where cosmetic surgery is less regulated, which would increase the level of risk and endangerment and would potentially be prohibited.  

 

When reconstructive surgery is performed after an accident or illness, it is certainly permissible. So to rhinoplasty, when the goal is to improve breathing or correct a deformity that causes significant distress. However, if one’s general appearance is not out of the ordinary, it may be a case of unrealistic expectations, and the surgery may ironically cause more harm than good. 

 

King Solomon writes in Mishlei (31:30), “Grace is false and beauty is vain.” The Gaon from Vilna (Kol Eliyahu, Bereshit 29:17) asks, but doesn’t the Torah praise the beauty of the “Imahot” – Matriarchs? If so, why is beauty frowned open? He answers that it depends on the context. Beauty in of itself is vanity and is false. But when complimented by the end of the verse – “a woman who fears Hashem she should be praised” that refers to inner beauty, which is something altogether different. That was the uniqueness of Sara, Rivkah, Rachel, and Leah, who possessed both inner and outer beautiful qualities, and only when those qualities are combined are they praised. 

 

 

Rabbi Yehuda Finchas is a worldwide expert, lecturer, and writer on medical halacha, and is the head of the Torat Habayit Medical Halacha Institute. His latest book is entitled “Brain Death in Halacha and the Tower of Babel Syndrome.” To contact Rabbi Finchas, email rabbi@torathabayit.com.

Mayor of Long Branch Letter

Dear Community Members,

Welcome back to the Jersey Shore and to the City of Long Branch for another great Summer Season!

Whether you are spending your summer with us or just visiting for a day, our city has so much to offer to make this summer one of the best.

We have several parks for recreation, including Manhassett Creek Park. Our recently upgraded Jackson Woods Park is a peaceful location for a stroll.

Please go to our website at longbranch.org under “Community Events” to see a comprehensive list of summer happenings.

We offer daily passes for Long Branch residents at our new community pool, and both residents and non-residents may purchase season passes.

Long Branch has four miles of beautiful shoreline for you to enjoy. Our many beaches include some with extended hours, two fully accessible locations, and a variety of food and refreshment options nearby. Our beaches are open from now through September 4, 2023. For more information, please visit our website.

The summer months are a time for relaxation and fun. I wish everyone a safe and enjoyable summer.

Sincerely,

John Pallone

Mayor

Over-the-Top Birthday Parties

Frieda Schweky 

 

I’d like to start off by reintroducing myself. My name is Frieda Schweky, and I’m a wife, mom, photographer, and part-time writer. Although my work life mainly consists of photoshoots and events, I like to write this monthly column to help keep a pulse on the community I’m living in and servicing. Each month, I, along with the help of my Instagram following, have been choosing a light or semi-light hot topic for this column. Then I use my social media platform (again) to crowd-source different opinions on the month’s chosen topic. Now, let’s get into it: 

I don’t know if I could pinpoint exactly when birthday parties started getting so “extra,” but I’d say that pop culture and social media have a lot to do with it.  

 

My Personal Perspective 

From a parent’s perspective, I feel blessed that my children’s friends have thrown very understated and modest parties that my kids really enjoyed. If they went “all out” I think I would feel pressured to do the same, even if it wasn’t in my budget. Also, my kids may feel there was a lack in whatever I put together because kids, just like everyone else, compare.  

As a photographer, I attend many extravagant birthday parties. I feel as though that’s what my clients can afford and/or that’s what their friends and family do as well, which it usually is. I say, “Live and let live.” Everyone has different standards of what seems normal to spend on a car, a house, clothing, and yes, events too. (Even events that seem frivolous and optional such as a child’s birthday celebration.) I also know that throwing extravagant parties definitely creates a lot of business for the events industry, which primarily is made up of small businesses such as mine. So, that’s not a bad thing in my book!  

Let’s see what some of my followers and fellow community members have to say. 

 

Adele Franco 

I say, “Do what makes you happy.” You gave birth and raised your children – you should be able to celebrate them any way you please. We shouldn’t shame people who go extravagant, just like we shouldn’t shame people who bring ices to a park and call it a day. Some of these events look wonderful. No one should judge extravagant parties if the parents want to do that for their kid. No one should count somebody else’s money. 

 

Elior Navon 

Can we just go back to normal regular kids’ parties?! Kids are happy with whatever you give them, like cartoon-themed napkins and plates from the dollar store. They don’t mind one bit. Also, let’s talk about the swag bags. Why does everyone need personalized merch now? What happened to the kids’ goodie bags with a juice box, a snack, and stickers? I definitely feel the pressure to always make an extravagant party. I literally feel like I have to go all out for all of my guests. It doesn’t even become about the kids anymore! It used to be just feeding the kids pizza, French fries, and cake. Now I feel like I have to make salads and a whole adult menu, as well. I apologize for the rant. I just miss my childhood when things were simple, affordable, and easy.  

 

Joyce Cohen 

Having an over-the-top birthday party can be really exciting and memorable. However, these parties can also be really expensive and stressful to plan. You might feel pressure to make everything perfect, and it can be hard to manage all the details. Additionally, it can be tough to keep up with the expectations you set for yourself, especially if you’re trying to outdo previous parties. 

Another potential downside to having an over-the-top birthday party is that it can sometimes feel like you’re putting on a show for other people instead of enjoying the day for yourself. It’s important to remember that the party is about celebrating your life and accomplishments, not just about impressing others. Ultimately, it’s important to find a balance between celebrating in a way that feels meaningful to you and not putting too much pressure on yourself to create a perfect event. 

 

Casey Dweck 

Planning a child’s birthday is a big deal for many parents. It’s a day you brought a life to the world and you want to celebrate it. It also gives a reason to have a get-together with friends and family. I’ve realized over time that the party you end up with ultimately all depends on your budget.  

I personally see lots of stunning parties that I would love to duplicate for my own. But when I saw the prices of all these over-the-top things, I realized it just wasn’t fitting into my budget. As a single mom planning my child’s first birthday, I had a bunch of ideas saved on Pinterest and Instagram, which I collected from time to time over the months. When the time came and I started to price out different vendors and options, I realized that this over-the-top party wasn’t something I was able to afford. Even if I was doing some things myself, I knew it wouldn’t look like how I wanted, and I preferred to avoid that stress. So, I went with a smaller party and a simple theme and I tried to make it as beautiful as I could.  

The truth is, I know regardless of how big or small the party is, it’s the memories that will last. 

 

Gayle H. Setton 

These birthday parties are getting pretty ridiculous. The parents may not intend for this, but ultimately extravagant parties place unnecessary pressure on others to do the same. It’s not fair to the parents or the kids. The kids see it and they want the same. If the parents can’t afford it or maybe even don’t have the brain capacity to throw such a large-scale event for a simple occasion like a birthday, they’re instantly disappointing their child or embarrassing them if they throw a simple modest celebration.  

I can’t decide who I feel worse for in these situations, the parents or the children. Either way, I think it’s a lose-lose situation. 

 

Henriette Sasson 

Short and sweet – I think if you have the means for a fancy celebration, for sure go for it. Nothing wrong with it. Yes, it can make other moms feel bad or jealous, but if it makes you happy to do an over-the-top party for your kid, go for it. I’m sure a lot of parents will say, “But my kids are happy with Dollar Tree decorations!” And, I’m sure that’s true, but that is still no reason not to have a crazy party if you can and you want to. And it’s no one’s business! If it makes someone jealous, that’s really their issue… 

 

Rena Golden of Bashes by Rena 

Every family has the right to throw themselves an “over-the-top” birthday party, which I like to call a “dream” party. Each one has their own version of what their best party is, and I work with the whole community to plan each family their ultimate “dream” party. I plan a variety of different kinds of events that have different themes, including dance parties, petting zoos, bouncy houses, magic shows, spa day, sports, and more. These parties can be in a variety of venues including a client’s home or backyard, a local dance studio, or sports facilities. My goal is to create and accomplish each client’s individual “dream.”  

 

Parties are unique to each client and can have it all, and I have done it all. However, in my opinion the most exciting and fun parties for participants and the birthday child are the ones where the children themselves are the focus. I am proud to say that the parties I plan are “all about the fun,” whether they are “over-the-top” or not.  

———–
 

The more I worked on this article and thought about this topic, the more pro – any kind of party I became. We shouldn’t focus on what sets us apart and who has more or less. I don’t believe young children should do that either. I’ve thrown children’s birthday parties for under $100 that my kids and their friends have loved. And some years I feel the urge to put more money and effort towards a party and those, too, are memorable and enjoyable.  

We should all do what feels right to us in the moment. We’re all blessed. Some with skills, some with money, and some with both! If you really want a giant balloon arch for your kid’s birthday but can’t spring $400+ to have a professional do it, there are countless video tutorials on YouTube that can teach you to “DIY” (do it yourself) on a smaller budget. Whether you hire a professional photographer or snap a few pictures on your phone camera, the important thing is making memorable family moments. Just like we don’t want our kids judging each other on what kind of backpack or snacks they bring to school, we should set an example and not judge or comment on how much or little someone spent on a celebration.  

 

 

Want to help me choose next month’s topic? Follow along on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto.  

Groundbreaking Day

The solemn, mournful observance of ben hametzarim – the three-week period of mourning for the destruction of Jerusalem – which intensifies with the onset of the month of Av, and culminates with the fast of Tishah B’Av, is disrupted by Shabbat.  Halachah instructs us not to mourn at all on the three Shabbatot during this period.  In fact, even when Tishah B’Av itself falls on Shabbat, the fast is postponed until after Shabbat, and Shabbat is celebrated as usual.  Even though Shabbat is then the 9th of Av, the day on which the Bet Hamikdash was set ablaze, nevertheless, we are to eat festively and wear fine clothing, just as on every other Shabbat. 

 

The Shelah Ha’kadosh (Rav Yeshaya Horowitz, d. 1630) was asked why this is.  Why should we not mourn the Bet Hamikdash on Shabbat?  Not one of the Shabbat restrictions (melachot) needs to be violated for the mourning practices to be observed.  Why, then, did the Sages suspend all mourning on Shabbat?  What precise aspect of mourning is inconsistent with the laws or spirit of Shabbat? 

 

The “Festival” of Tishah B’Av 

 

To introduce his answer, let us take a look at what is likely the most surprising feature of the annual Tishah B’Av observance – the omission of tahanunim (penitential supplications) from the prayer service.  The tahanunim are omitted on joyous occasions, such as Shabbat, holidays, Rosh Hodesh, and when a groom is present in the synagogue.  These prayers involve confession and humble requests for forgiveness, which are inappropriate on special occasions of festivity.  Startlingly, the Shulhan Aruch (O.H. 559:4) rules that tahanunim are omitted also on Tishah B’Av, the saddest day of the year, when we mourn Jerusalem’s destruction and other calamities that befell our nation.  If there was one day a year when we would assume that tahanunim are appropriate (with the exception of Yom Kippur and the days of repentance), it would be the somber day of Tishah B’Av.  And yet, specifically on this day of mourning, these sober prayers are omitted! 

 

The Shulhan Aruch explains that tahanunim are omitted on Tishah B’Av because a verse in the Book of Echah (1:15) refers to the day of the Temple’s destruction as a “mo’ed” (“kara alai mo’ed lishbor bahurai”).  The term “mo’ed” normally refers to a joyous, festive occasion, specifically, to our Yamim Tovim.  (Thus, for example, the section of the Mishnah that discusses the laws of Shabbat and the holidays is called “Mo’ed.”)  Since Tishah B’Av is called a “mo’ed,” it must be treated as such, and so tahanunim are omitted. 

 

As mentioned, this might be the most surprising aspect of the Tishah B’Av observance.  How can this day of calamity, destruction and mourning possibly be called a “holiday”?  What can be joyous about a day that has brought our nation so much suffering, and which for generations has been observed as a day of sorrow and grieving for national tragedies? 

 

The Somber Board Meeting 

 

The answer to this question lies in a closer examination of the word “mo’ed.” 

 

The root of this word is “va’ad” (vav, ayin, dalet), which means “meeting.”  For example, the Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (1:4) urges a person to turn his home into a “bet va’ad lahachamim” – a place where scholars assemble to learn and discuss Torah.  The Mishkan in the desert is frequently referred to as the “Ohel Mo’ed” – “Tent of Meeting,” because it is there where the people “met,” or encountered, Gd (see Shemot 29:43 – “Veno’adeti shamah li’Vneh Yisrael”).  The holidays are called “moadim” because they are times of special “meetings” between us and Gd, when we celebrate our special relationship with Him. 

 

Once we understand that “mo’ed” means “meeting,” we can understand why Tishah B’Av is called a “mo’ed.” 

 

Let us consider the example of a business whose CEO convenes occasional staff meetings.  The meetings are held for a variety of different purposes.  Sometimes, the staff meets just for a routine progress report.  On other occasions, they need to strategize to address a certain problem, or because they are planning some change or an expansion.  They might meet to celebrate an encouraging report of quarterly earnings, or landing a large new client.   

 

But let us imagine that the business has suffered considerable losses due to a series of errors resulting from the staff’s laxity.  On the brink of bankruptcy, the CEO convenes a meeting to harshly scold the staff, and to devise a plan to save the business.  The atmosphere in the board room is tense and uncomfortable.  Everyone is worried and upset.  The CEO makes no attempt to hide his displeasure and frustration, not to the slightest extent.  The employees leave the boardroom feeling distraught, but with a strong resolve to get their act together and do what they can to right the ship. 

 

This is, in essence, what Tishah B’Av is all about.   

 

Tishah B’Av is a day-long “meeting” with Gd, who is clearly unhappy with us.  As we spend the day lamenting the tragedies our nation has suffered – specifically, the destruction of the Bet Hamikdash – we are to reflect on the fact that Gd, the “CEO,” is angrily reprimanding us.  He has called us to this “meeting” to express His displeasure, and to demand that we get to work doing all we can to save the “business.”   

 

It is in this sense that Tishah B’Av is a “joyous” occasion.  Gd has called us for a meeting – and anytime He invites us and expresses interest in us, this is something to celebrate.  Of course, this meeting is not pleasant or enjoyable.  By no means.  We sit at this meeting feeling embarrassed, remorseful, pained and anguished.  We come to this meeting while fasting, not having showered, and not having shaved or taken a haircut in three weeks.  It is uncomfortable and humiliating.   

 

But there is one thing that we must not forget at any point during this unpleasant meeting: the “CEO” did not call us in to “fire” us.  He is not closing the “business.”  The purpose of this meeting is to motivate us to rebuild, to move forward, to learn from our mistakes, and to make the “business” flourish once again.  The very fact that this meeting is being held proves that Gd still believes in us, that He still wants us on His “team,” that He still regards us as His trusted “employees” who can turn things around. 

 

Tishah B’Av is a “mo’ed” because we spend the day with Gd, who wants, asks and expects us to rebuild the “business.” 

 

Destroying for the Sake of Rebuilding 

 

We do not mourn Jerusalem’s destruction on Shabbat, the Shelah Ha’kadosh explained, because this would, in a sense, violate one of the Shabbat prohibitions.  One of the categories of prohibited activity on Shabbat is soter al menat livnot – destroying in preparation to rebuild.  Destruction for the sake of destruction is not prohibited on Shabbat (on the level of Torah law), but destruction for the sake of construction is. 

 

The Shelah explained that Tishah B’Av is the day of “groundbreaking,” when we “break” ourselves so that we can rebuild.  We mourn and grieve not to wallow in helplessness and despair, but to motivate ourselves to recover and began the process of renewal.  It is a time of soter al menat livnot, to lament the tragedies of the past so that we can build a brighter future. 

 

This concept also answers a different question that has been asked, about the prophet Yirmiyahu.  He was the prophet who warned the people about the impending destruction of the first Bet Hamikdash, desperately urging them to repent.  Yirmiyahu personally experienced the fall of Jerusalem, and he composed the heart-rending Megilat Echah, the series of elegies which we read each year on Tishah B’Av.  Some rabbis raised the question of how Yirmiyahu could have received these prophecies, given the Sages’ teaching that prophecy can be received only in a state of joy.  How could Yirmiyahu experience prophecy during such a dreadful time?  Could he have possibly been in the joyful state of mind necessary for a prophetic revelation? 

 

The answer becomes clear in light of what we have seen.  Yirmiyahu knew that the destruction occurred “al menat livnot,” for the sake of reconstruction.  He retained a degree of joy even as Jerusalem burned, because he viewed this calamity as the “groundbreaking,” the laying of the foundations for the Jewish Nation’s future success and glory. 

 

This perspective not only enhances our understanding and appreciation of the observance of Tishah B’Av, but also provides us with a source of encouragement and hope during our periods of personal hardship and struggle.  No matter how painful the situation is, no matter what we have lost, we must remember that we can always rebuild.  If something is destroyed, something far better can be built in its place.  Just as the sorrow and torment of Tishah B’Av marks the “groundbreaking” for Am Yisrael’s glorious future, all our struggles in life can, if we approach them as such, lead us to great success and great joy.   

 

And, we must remember that no matter what we are going through, Gd remains our “CEO.”  He never “fires” us.  Even if we are occasionally reprimanded for our mistakes and failings, He continues to believe in our capacity to improve, in the great benefit we offer to the “company.”  As difficult a day as Tishah B’Av is, it reassures us of our potential to grow and to rebuild, and to become the truly outstanding nation that we are expected to become. 

Being Humble

The Tomer Devorah (second chapter) writes that the quality of humility is the key to all good middot. Humility is the crown jewel and glory of a Jew. It is a delight being in the presence of a humble person, because, as the pasuk (Mishlei 3:34) says, “Hashem bestows a special element of grace and charm upon those who are modest.”

How does a person acquire this priceless character trait? The answer is provided by the following pasuk in Yirmiyah (9:22):

“The wise man shall not pride himself for his wisdom; the mighty one shall not pride himself for his might; the wealthy man shall not pride himself for his wealth.”

A person should not pride himself for his wisdom, because as the pasuk (Mishlei 2:6) states, “For it is Hashem Who grants wisdom.” One should not be arrogant on account of his strength, because – Hashem gives people strength (I Divrei HaYamim 29:11). A person should not feel proud about his wealth, because – it is Hashem Who grants wealth, and He makes one poor and one rich. All wealth in the world belongs to Hashem, and not to the human “owner.”

Everything we have is a gift from Hashem, and the more we acknowledge this fact, the humbler we will be.

Nobody embodied this quality more than David HaMelech, who described himself as ‘a nursing baby’ (Tehillim 131:2).  A baby receives everything from his mother: his food, his clothing, all his needs. An infant cannot even put food in his mouth by himself. David says that despite everything he had – his powerful army, his wisdom, his wealth – he achieved nothing on his own. Like a newborn baby, he received everything from Hashem. It was Hashem Who granted him the wisdom to become the head of the Sanhedrin, and it was Hashem Who made him the king and granted him wealth for the purpose of helping others.

In that same chapter (Tehillim 131:1), David says about himself, “Hashem, my heart was not haughty.” The Sages explain this as referring to the time when David was anointed king.  For 28 years, he was scorned. He was not even allowed to sit at the same table with his brothers because of his questionable lineage. He was sent out with the sheep into the pastures, in the expectation that he would be devoured by a wild animal. And when the prophet Shmuel arrived with Hashem’s instructions to anoint one of Yishai’s sons as king, the family did not even bother to call David to attend. It was only after Shmuel met all the brothers and said that none of them was chosen as king, that Shmuel asked if there were any other brothers, and David was brought. David had been hounded and rejected for all those years, and now, at this moment, Shmuel took his flask of oil and anointed him king over Israel, proclaiming “This is the one.”  We could imagine the thoughts passing through a person’s mind in that situation, upon being lifted from the dust, and yet David testifies about himself – he felt not even one ounce of pride or arrogance.

David continues and declares, “my eyes were not lifted high.” Chazal teach us that this was said in reference to David’s triumph over Goliath, the enemy who had been tormenting and intimidating the Jews and whom David killed singlehandedly. Let us imagine the scene: the people saw their greatest enemy and threat killed, and they burst out in song and dance, praising their hero, David. And yet, David did not feel any pride or arrogance. He thought to himself, I did nothing; it was all Hashem.

The more credit we give Hashem for everything we have and everything we accomplish, the more humble we will become. The Shelah HaKodesh writes that if a person is humble, then his prayers are accepted, his sins are forgiven, he is privileged to sit in the presence of Hashem, and he is blessed with Torah knowledge and wisdom. Our Sages also teach that those who are humble will be given the privilege of serving as the escorts of Mashiah, may he come speedily and in our days

Renewal – Saving 1,000 Lives, One Kidney at a Time

Mozelle Forman

Every milestone – a birthday, anniversary, graduation, or a siyum – recognizes an achievement or goal accomplished.  We celebrate with parties, lots of food, and surrounding ourselves with our loved ones.  Renewal, the world-renowned organization responsible for facilitating life-saving kidney transplants, is celebrating a milestone – their 1,000th kidney transplant.  And they are celebrating in style with a brand-new state-of-the-art virtual laboratory housed in their new building in Brooklyn, New York. 

 

On April 28, 2023, the ribbon was cut and the doors opened to the Renewal Aronow-Zupnick International Headquarters, generously donated by Marshall Aronow in honor of his father, Joe Aronow and his father’s gracious kidney donor, Leah Zupnick.  Mr. Aronow expressed his immense gratitude to Renewal for making the match that gave his father a new lease on life.  Located at 4721 New Utrecht Avenue in Brooklyn, the building will be the strategic command center where the logistics of making matches between patients and donors takes place.   Mendy Reiner, founder and chairman of Renewal, addressed the audience with gratitude to the “angel visionary donors” and to David Bawabeh for his encouragement in purchasing the Renewal building.  “Renewal would not be here without you.  When I was first introduced to the Sephardic community, we were a small, struggling organization.  And I was told that the community would give us money but wouldn’t give us kidneys.  But that is not true or possible.  It is within our DNA to help.   

 

“Membership in Am Yisrael is priceless.  We give from ourselves, to save another and, yes, the community has given kidneys, they have given life.  We are standing in this conference room where lives are saved because of your generous support.” 

 

Renewal’s Humble Beginning 

 

Usually, great organizations begins with one gesture of kindness and grow exponentially with the support and guidance of many.  In 2006, Mendy Reiner was made aware that there was a man in his community, a father of four, who needed a kidney transplant. Mendy wanted to help him.   

 

On the advice of his wife, Mendy put out an advertisement looking for a donor.  He received 30 phone calls from people willing to become kidney donors and one of them turned out to be a match.  Now Mendy knew of 29 potential kidney donors, so he put out a new advertisement looking for patients in need of a kidney transplant.  And just like that, Renewal was born.  For the first few years, the organization was responsible for connecting one to two donors with recipients, and Mendy Reiner was extremely pleased.  Little by little the numbers increased.  Today, Renewal is responsible for 60 percent of all altruistic kidney transplants in New York, and with the formation of Renewal National the organization has created relationships with many major transplant centers across the nation. In addition, Renewal National sponsors awareness events, to educate the public about kidney donation and sponsors swabbing events for potential donors across the United States.  All these efforts facilitate helping more patients and meeting them where they are.  

 

The Syrian Community Joins In 

 

In 2014, AJ Gindi joined the Renewal team as Community Advocate and introduced the organization to the Syrian community.  In true form, community members immediately became involved in supporting the organization, both financially and by agreeing to be swabbed as potential donors for other community members in need of a kidney.  The Renewal database continues to grow, as the organization hosts “swab parties” where friends and family gather to be tested to determine if they can be a donor for a loved one.  Those attending who are not a match for the intended recipient are asked, with no pressure, if they would consent to becoming part of the Renewal registry. Many have later become donors for others in need. With over 1,500 participants, Renewal has the largest database of potential altruistic (living) kidney donors in the world.   

 

In January 2022, AJ was approached by community members, Stanley H. Chera and Joseph Haddad who asked him, “What can we do to help you save more lives?  There’s so much more to be done.  What can we do?”  Their passion for the organization and their sincere desire to help the organization grow inspired AJ.  He consulted with Menachem Friedman, Renewal National Director, who had been doing crossmatch testing for over a decade. He responded that if the organization had its own lab the process of matching donors to recipients could be accelerated.  AJ brought this information to Mr. Chera and Mr. Haddad explaining the multi-faceted and time-consuming science of finding and matching a kidney donor. Mr. Chera and Mr. Haddad immediately pledged their support for a new lab and committed to getting donations from others as well.   

 

State-of-the-Art Laboratory 

 

With the financial backing and support of the community, Renewal set out to create its very own state-of-the-art laboratory.  As an organization well known and connected in the transplant world, Renewal knew exactly who they would need to help them succeed in their project – Dr. Massimo Mangiola, Clinical Associate Professor at the NYU Transplant Institute at NYU Langone and Medical Board Member at the National Kidney Registry. With over 20 years’ experience in transplant medicine, and considered to be the top immunologist in the country, Dr. Mangiola was the perfect partner needed to actualize the plan. 

Dr. Mangiola suggested that rather than open a standard lab, which all institutions engaged in kidney transplants already possessed, the organization should, instead, consider creating a virtual laboratory that would use a highly developed computer algorithm to analyze the swab material, identifying all the data into usable, practical information to make the best possible match. However, that software did not exist – yet. Renewal would have to find and hire professional programmers to work with Dr. Mangiola to create the software that would analyze data faster and smarter.  After a year of designing, consulting, and toiling, the team succeeded. 

Grand Opening  

 

At the grand opening of the Renewal Aronow-Zupnick International Headquarters building in April, Dr. Mangiola addressed the audience of supporters and their families and thanked them for their generosity and foresight in creating the world’s first virtual lab of its kind.  “It is a privilege to work with you and be part of a team that gives patients another chance at life.  It is important to me that you understand what you have done here with this program.  This is not just simply matching [donor and recipient], it is matching to a level of probability that nobody else can provide out there.” He then shared a PowerPoint presentation of the intricate, complex biological explanation of how the matching takes place.  The virtual lab uses the state-of-the-art, high-resolution software that examines hundreds of variables and crossmatches data from both donor and recipient. It utilizes DNA sequencing analysis to find more precise molecular matches. This reduces the probability of rejection, enables patients to safely reduce immunosuppressive medication, and increases the longevity of the transplanted kidney.   

Although the biology was lost on most of the audience, Dr. Mangiola made it clear that finding matches is like trying to find a needle in a haystack and that Renewal’s program is making miracles in the kidney transplant world, looking deep into the genetic material, and finding matches they were never able to find before.  Dr. Mangiola continues to work with the Renewal staff, once a week consulting, overseeing, and reviewing to ensure the best, most compatible matches are found. 

 

“Patient Zero”

While new buildings and virtual labs are cause for tribute, the real celebration is in the transplant success stories of which there have been almost 1,000.  The story that was on everyone’s minds at the open house was that of “patient zero,” the first patient matched using the technology of the virtual lab.

Idie Lieber needed a new kidney. The transplanted kidney, which her friend graciously donated 23 years before (an unprecedented amount of time for a transplanted kidney to survive), was failing.  Her children, who were swabbed and found to be matches 23 years before but deemed to be too young to donate, were no longer compatible donors, as her body had built up so many antibodies to the existing kidney.  Her daughter, Shani, had for years reassured Mrs. Lieber, “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ve got your kidney right here.  I’m just keeping it safe for you.”  Shani was distraught when the news came that she was no longer a match for her mother.  Mrs. Lieber reached out to Renewal, whose staff immediately began searching through their database for a match.  After further researching, they discovered that Mrs. Lieber’s chance of finding another kidney was only about one percent, even if they searched worldwide.  Moshe Gerwitz, Executive Director of Renewal, describes how, “Our hearts sunk when after extensive searching we could not find a single match.”  But before the Renewal staff gave the heartbreaking news to Mrs. Lieber, they decided to “try out” the program that Dr. Mangiola was developing, inputting all the data manually, to see if they could find a match for her.  And they did! Dr. Mangiola described this as “nothing short of a miracle.”

In Mrs. Lieber’s words, “My first transplant experience, before Renewal existed, was frightening and lonely.  There was no one to hold my hand during the grueling process.  But as soon as I contacted Renewal, I felt support and connection.  Mendy Reiner said to me, ‘I don’t want you to worry. I don’t want you to stress.  I am going to worry for you.’  Renewal never gave up on their promise to find me a kidney and I became the first recipient of Dr. Mangiola’s brilliant work.” 

Mrs. Lieber’s successful transplant is not the end of the story.  “My daughter Shani felt her kidney did not really belong to her, as she had pledged it to me 23 years before.  She contacted Renewal and in March donated her kidney to a 74-year-old man who is doing wonderfully well.” 

 

Mr. Raymond Ashkenazi’s Story

Raymond Ashkenazi, who at the age of 82 was told he would need kidney dialysis for the rest of his life, was another one of the almost 1,000 Renewal success stories. Sharon, his wife, tells of their first encounter with Renewal.  “From the very beginning, AJ and the whole Renewal family were so positive and reassuring that we felt so secure.  We thought his age would be a factor but the surgeon reassured us that he would never consider doing the transplant if he didn’t believe it would be successful.  They gave us all the information we needed and stayed with us every step of the way.  AJ even got to the hospital before us on the day of the surgery and never left us.  We are truly a part of the Renewal family and couldn’t be more grateful to them and to Ikey Rudy [Mr. Ashkenazi’s kidney donor], for his generosity – an amazing young man.”   Ikey Rudy sees his role as a no-brainer.  “I was best friends with Raymond’s grandson. I grew up in their home calling Raymond ‘Jido’ and Sharon ‘Grandma.’  As a teenager in high school, I went to a swabbing event with my friends never thinking that I would actually donate a kidney.  When I heard that Raymond needed a kidney, I didn’t think twice – if I matched, I was going to be the one.  If I could add an extra day, a week, a year to his life, I wanted to do it.”  As for Mr. Ashkenazi, he was not told who his donor was because Sharon believed her husband is the type to say, “I don’t want it.  You keep it.”  And indeed, when the two met after the surgery and Mr. Ashkenazi saw his donor was Ikey, he just cried and blessed him. 

 

On the day of Mr. Ashkenazi’s surgery, two other kidney transplants facilitated by Renewal were taking place in London and South Africa, and on the day of the ribbon cutting of the new building, three transplants took place.  The altruism, the hesed, and the selflessness of each and every donor gives hope and the promise of a quality of life that patients with renal failure never dreamed of.  And none of those transplants would have been possible without Renewal.  As one donor has expressed, Renewal has made kidney donation something “normal.”  The care, empathy, guidance, encouragement, and support they give to both donors and recipients make the transplant process a relatively seamless and very rewarding event, as one person selflessly gives another a new life.   

Join the Effort

Renewal’s services would not be possible without the generous support of its donors – including those who donate their kidneys and those who donate financially.  To join the Renewal family and support their lifesaving work please contact Renewal at 718.431.9831 or info@renewal.org and visit their website at www.renewal.org.