How can we make this year different than years past?

Kelly Jemal Massry

Every year, as Rosh Hashanah approaches, we take stock of our lives. We examine the past year and we starkly see how we have strayed. We know we need to be closer to Hashem, kinder to our spouses, more merciful to ourselves. We admit that we should be leading more focused lives, and seizing the spiritual potential in every moment. Quite possibly, too, we should be leaving the confines of our insular bubble and reaching out to help others.

With the onset of Rosh Hashanah, we resolve to do all of these things – to live better, fuller, more meaningful lives, lives that we use to make a contribution, lives that are happy because they are never empty. And we resolve to live with greater self-awareness, to be more cognizant of our own psychological pitfalls and more determined to avoid them.

Between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we behave angelically – or try to, anyway – performing all our duties to the utmost of our abilities. We take this feeling into the first few days of the new year, and it succeeds in altering our behavior for a while.

Then, sometime after Yom Kippur, this success begins to wane. We stop living with so much focus and attention. We fall back to our old routine of the previous year – filling our time with work, school, and the grind of day-to-day life. We begin to slip yet again, as our new year resolutions slowly drift away.

The question is, how can we make this year different than years past? What can be done to ensure that we stick to our resolutions for an entire year?

Choose One Area to Commit to Improving

While there are certainly no foolproof answers to these questions, it helps to ground the task a bit, to take it from the impossible to the real. Perhaps we can start by picking one area to focus on – whether it concerns our spiritual lives or the lives that touch closer to home. Then, we might narrow it further, by picking one aspect within that area to which we devote our attention. A lot of thought needs to go into the decision, of course, because the area we choose needs to be important enough that it overrides everything else and has our unwavering commitment.

That’s the key word here: commitment. Truly committing to something means making a sacred vow, setting a goal that fills your waking thoughts to the extent that it could very well be the first thing you think about in the morning. That goal must set up shop in a corner of our mind and never really leave our consciousness.

To make our resolution last, it must be transferred from the mental, theoretical realm to the real-life, pragmatic realm. We need to find ways for our resolutions and our real lives to intersect. Perhaps we can write it out in bold and hang it in the office, in the kitchen, or somewhere else where we spend a lot of time. Like a petulant child, it needs to repeatedly nag, begging to be let in to the fabric of our lives. Following through with it means giving into it, actually doing it again and again until it becomes perfectly natural and second-nature.

Share the Burden

Still, the fact remains that change, breaking old habits, shifting directions, and becoming a better person, will always be difficult. The prospect of change, for most people, is either frightening or impossible. One way to overcome our natural obstacles is to share the burden, by expressing our desire to change to the most important people in our lives – spouses, parents, co-workers, and yes, even children. We can delegate the responsibility of our improvement to those who love us, and let them monitor our progress. Sometimes, the perspective of a different set of eyes can help us to understand ourselves more clearly. It is so hard to face the truth about ourselves – but it becomes much easier when it is couched in the gentle love of those who care for us.

So this Rosh Hashanah, let us all make that all-important accounting of our lives, and carefully choose one specific area of improvement. Let us then take the steps needed to make our resolution real and concrete, recognizing that we do not have to do it alone. Perhaps, when we all watch out for each other and truly accept this mutual responsibility, we will become the best selves that we can be.

Yanki Tauber

Men don’t usually sit over coffee talking about their marriages. That’s why a particular conversation I once had with two other men really sticks out in my mind.

The three of us were sitting and discussing the joys of wedded life. “I love my wife,” Benny said. “That’s why I do everything she asks me to do. She says, ‘Benny, please take out the garbage,’ and right away, I take out the garbage.” We all agreed that Benny loves his wife.

Not to be outdone, I said, “I also do everything my wife asks me to do. In fact, she doesn’t even have to spell out what she wants. It’s enough that she says, ‘Whew! That garbage bag is sure smelling up the kitchen!’ for me to understand that she wants me to take out the garbage. Which I do, of course.” We all agreed that I love my wife even more than Benny loves his.

But in the end, it turned out that Steven’s marriage was the most loving of all. Steven’s wife doesn’t have to ask him to do things for her. She doesn’t even have to drop hints. “I wake up in the morning,” Steven explained, “and I just know that she wants me to take out the garbage. Or buy her a gift like a piece of jewelry. She doesn’t have to crinkle her nose or mention the ring her cousin Sarah got for her birthday. I just know what she wants me to do for her, and I do it.”

Showing Love for Gd – “Steven Style”

The month of Tishre is replete with mitzvot, full of opportunities for carrying out Gd’s will. For more than three weeks, our days are filled with praying, repenting, fasting, feasting, dancing, building a sukkah, acquiring a set of a lulav and etrog, or a bundle of hoshaanot, and dozens of other mitzvot, customs, and observances.

The observances of Tishre fall under three general categories. There are Biblical precepts that are explicitly commanded in the Torah, such as sounding the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, fasting on Yom Kippur, and eating in the sukkah on Sukkot. There are also a number of rabbinical mitzvot – observances instituted by the prophets and the sages by the authority vested in them by the Torah. For example, the five prayer services held on Yom Kippur and the taking of the arba’ah minim (four species) on all but the first day of Sukkot are rabbinical institutions.

Finally, the month of Tishre has many minhagim, customs that are not formally required by the Torah or by the sages. These include eating an apple dipped in honey on the first night of Rosh Hashanah and conducting the kaparot ritual in the wee hours of the morning on the day before Yom Kippur. The minhagim are not mandated by Biblical or rabbinical law, but by force of custom. These are practices that we Jews have initiated ourselves as ways to enhance our service of our Creator.

Most amazingly, the climax of the month of Tishre – the point at which our celebration of our bond with Gd reaches the greatest heights of joy – is during the hakafot on Simhat Torah, when we take the Torah scrolls in our arms and dance with them around the reading table in the synagogue – a practice that is neither a Biblical nor a rabbinical precept, but is merely a custom.

It is specifically through our observance of the minhagim that we express the depth of our love for Gd. The Biblical commandments might be compared to the explicitly expressed desires between two people bound in marriage. The rabbinical mitzvot, which Gd did not directly command but nevertheless constitute expressions of the Divine will, resemble the implied requests between spouses. But the minhagim represent those areas in which we intuitively sense how we might bring Gd pleasure, and in these lie our greatest joy.

Yanki Tauber is an editor and an accomplished author.

ELLEN GELLER KAMARAS

At the time of writing, the COVID-19 situation, and the situation in the world in general, seem to be changing so rapidly it is hard to predict with certainty what even the next few weeks will bring. The facts noted in this article and the opinions professed are accurate in the moment. By the time of publication, you may already see things have changed. We are all praying for an end to the pandemic and a return to life as normal. As it stands, after a year of on-and-off Zoom learning, schools across the country are mandating in-person learning this coming school year.

Mixed Reactions to the Reopening of Schools

Students, teachers, and parents are enthusiastic about a full reopening of schools for the 2021-2022 school year. However, returning to school for in-person learning may also be causing some nervousness about being in a more structured setting and processing new rules and relationships.

While we look forward to connecting with classmates and colleagues in person, we acknowledge that the COVID-19 environment is constantly changing. Normal as we knew it before the pandemic has changed. We have become accustomed to living a pandemic life.

A New Focus

A year ago, the million-dollar question was: can our children return to school safely? The COVID-19 environment was unpredictable, and people had not been vaccinated. The Covid situation has improved tremendously, and the vaccine rollout continues, but we are not yet out of the woods. We must be prepared for disruptions to in-person school if the number of COVID-19 cases surges.

This year, public officials are focusing on recovery and healing, bringing staff and students back to work and school, and keeping them safe. Some educators call it a resilient reopening. Why resilient? Practicing resilience is what got us successfully through the past 17 months and will continue to enable us to live as normal a life as we can. We lived with uncertainty and turned difficult situations into opportunities.

In July, NYC Mayor de Blasio announced that NYC is back and fully reopened. Sixty-six percent of the city’s adult population was fully vaccinated as of early August.

NJ Governor Murphy is also proud that NJ’s full vaccinated rate reached 58% but sounded the alarm on the “pandemic of the unvaccinated.”

Delta Variant Changes the Game

The Delta variant has thrown us a curveball and government and health officials are laser focused on fighting it.

On July 9th, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that only unvaccinated staff and students need to wear masks in schools. Eighteen days later, on July 27th, the CDC reversed course, and now recommends that all students and staff mask up, irrespective of vaccination status.

The updated guidance advises wearing a mask in indoor public settings in areas of substantial and high transmission.

Why the Reversal?

There is clear and mounting evidence that breakthrough COVID-19 infections can arise in fully vaccinated individuals. The good news is that if COVID-19 infection does occur, it is much less likely to cause serious illness or death for those who are vaccinated.

Moreover, officials are gratified that schools have not been a major cause of Covid spreading, which they attribute to the combination of prevention measures that have been in place and have proved effective.

A key takeaway from the CDC updated guidance is that students benefit from in-person learning, and safely returning to in-person instruction is a priority.

School policies related to masking and COVID-19 protocols are determined by individual states.

Most state/local health officials stopped short of mandating indoor mask wearing. In vicinities where COVID-19 is spreading, officials are promoting masking in public indoor settings as an additional defense against the Delta variant.

Staying Calm and Preparing Kids for Returning to School

First, we should acknowledge and thank both our private and public officials for keeping our children’s health their number one priority.

Mayor De Blasio is promoting vaccination as the key public intervention to keep New Yorkers safe. He cites evidence that masking, while helpful, does not provide as effective protection as the vaccine does.

NYC and NJ public schools will require students and staff to wear masks inside of school buildings, regardless of vaccination status.

This morning, however, I heard a quote from former CDC Director Redfield explaining, that “masking is not a one-size-fits-all question.”

Yes, many of us will be disappointed if asked to return to wearing masks indoors. However, it may only be for a short period. As Dr. Brenda Phillips, an emergency management and disaster recovery expert, so aptly put it, “We can do this a bit longer, if necessary, to help the people around us. It’s our responsibility as humans to take care of each other.”

This particularly rings true for us as Jews. We are committed to pikuach nefesh, the preservation of human life and to the value of taking responsibility for others as well as ourselves.

Let’s follow the science and stay connected with our children’s school administration leaders who are monitoring the COVID-19 situation carefully.

The yeshivot I surveyed in the Brooklyn and the Jersey Shore communities are planning on a regular in-person school year. At the time I contacted these yeshivot, mandated masking for indoor spaces had not been adopted.

The administrators will continue to scrutinize the fluid Covid situation, and the health and safety of the students and staff remain their top priority. They will respond appropriately in accordance with the guidance of their medical teams.

Are You Ready to Do This?

Educators are advocating that we prepare our children for school academically, socially, and emotionally. The social and emotional aspects are being given additional emphasis this year because of the traumatic effects of the COVID-19 pandemic on children. We need to help our children unpack numerous complex emotions as they get ready to return to school.

Nothing beats being in a classroom. Over 50 percent of public-school K-12 teachers reported that the pandemic caused a “significant” learning loss for students, both academically and in their social-emotional progress.

Dust Off Your BTS Toolbox and Get Positive

Model a positive mindset about the return to school and encourage your children to think about what they can look forward to. Turn that frown upside down. Take time to express gratitude at the dinner table, especially on Shabbat. We overcame challenges, learned new skills, and faced adversity with grace, determination, and even humor.

Arrange a Family Meeting

Carve out time for a special outing or a trip to a fun venue before school starts. Discuss how everyone is feeling about returning to school. That includes moms and dads too who may be returning to the office and need to plan and transition again for carpools, meal planning, and more. Tease out significant concerns.

In pre-pandemic times, children experienced anxiety, trepidation, or stress about starting a new grade or a new school. The pandemic added the fear of getting sick, along with the usual back-to-school anxiety.

The students who opted for Zoom or hybrid learning last year, may need assistance adjusting to being in school full time. They may experience separation anxiety over leaving their families after over a year of togetherness and may feel apprehensive about leaving their safe harbor from the pandemic.

They may be worried about navigating in-person relationships and a more controlled setting in school.

Consider how children will adapt to their parents returning to the workplace. Nannies or grandparents may be stepping in again after school to take children off the bus and settle them in for a snack and homework.

Communicate

Explain to your kids that you are always there for them and that they have your unconditional support.

Communicate hope and confidence but avoid making promises you cannot keep. Encourage your children to be flexible, and to expect changes, as the COVID-19 world is still unpredictable.

Listen, Listen, and Listen

If ever there was a time to practice my coaching professor’s mantra, WAIT, “Why am I talking?” the time is now.

Practice active listening and validate your children’s feelings, fears, and anxieties. Listen to what they are saying and not saying (their unspoken feelings). Help them to articulate their emotions.

Supplies

Are you all set with school supplies, uniforms, and gear?

Our kids feel happy, confident, and prepared when returning to school when they have the basics. Who does not enjoy a new pack of Crayola crayons or a new binder?

Give your children skin in the game by having them shop with you in person or online, within budget guidelines, of course.

New Beginnings

Rosh Hashanah and the new school year are about new beginnings, affording parents and children alike the opportunity to take a fresh look at themselves.

Help your children identify their unique special spark, their talents, strengths, and passions.

Encourage your children to pick a new mitzvah to incorporate into their lives. Highlight middot tovot, and kindness to others, above all to new classmates.

Wishing you lots of good health, mazal, and a shana tova!

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. Ellen works part-time as an entitlement specialist at Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).

Rabbi Moshe Lagnado

On an ancient coin, the images an elderly man and his aged wife are embossed. On the flip side, the pictures a vibrant, youthful couple are engraved.

This coin was dedicated in memory of the father and mother of our nation: Avraham and Sarah (Baba Kama 97b).

They are remembered as being elderly and wizened by their years. In our collective memory, there is no wiser couple than our father, Avraham, and our mother, Sarah. The Hebrew word zaken (“elderly”) is understood by our tradition as representing the expression, “zeh kanah” – “this one has acquired [wisdom].” This quality was embodied by Avraham and Sarah, both of whom used each moment of their lives to mature and draw closer to the Boreh Olam, the Creator.

But on the other side of the coin was a young couple. What did this represent? That although Avraham and Sarah grew old, they were still young. Neither the passing of years, nor the evils which they had seen, hardened their hearts. Even as seniors, they retained their childlike innocence and exuberance. Their enthusiasm did not diminish with the years, if anything, it increased.

Indeed, Rashi (Beresheet 23:1) famously states that Sarah was as innocent at 100 as she was at 20, and at 20 she was as beautiful as she was at seven. Our matriarch, Sarah, was always young.

The Exhilaration of Youth, in Old Age

Our mother, Claire Lagnado, a”h, was a disciple of Sarah Imenu. She was always young. Her body may have shown signs of aging, her skin may have wrinkled, she may have slowed down, but her heart and mind were always young. Some may even say she was childlike. When grandchildren came to visit her in San Diego, who would offer to take them to Disneyland? Yes, our mother; she would be thrilled by their excitement. She had the courage to take her granddaughters to France when they were about 12 years old. Both the girls and their grandmother came back exhilarated.

During her later years, her son-in-law would take her on a Shabbat walk. They would stop at a neighbor’s yard which was populated with farm animals. Just like a little girl, she would enjoy observing Gd’s creatures. She truly was forever young.

Her youthful personality served her well in yet another way – like a child, her inquisitive mind constantly sought wisdom. She accumulated a great deal of knowledge during her life. Growing up in Cairo, Egypt, she was conversant in three languages – Arabic, French, and Hebrew. After arriving in America, she added English and a little Yiddish. Even in her later years, after her debilitating stroke, she always asked about the week’s parashah. She would ask her grandchildren, “What did the rebbe say in yeshiva today?” leading to lengthy Torah discussions.

As a child, our mother studied dressmaking, which would prove beneficial in her new country. She would design gowns, simple dresses, and, for a time, rodeo costumes. Her clientele ranged from brides-to-be to actresses and even cowgirls, and my mother got along with all of them, without exception. They all appreciated and loved her. They would compliment her on her “golden hands,” and marvel at how every design of hers was excellent.

But rather than using her skills for only personal financial gain, she used them for tzdakah. Countless Torah scrolls are adorned with her creations. Countless brides walked down to their huppah with a magnificent wedding gown made by mother as a heartfelt gift.

Torah Study – Her True Love

Despite already have mastered this outstanding skill, my mother wanted more. Initially, she applied to the local college to take a few courses in business administration, seeking to fulfill her dream of opening her own business. She found college so intriguing that she soon graduated. Her family and friends were so proud of her as she received her degree at the Balboa Park Organ Pavilion in San Diego. It was the perfect venue for my mother – an old structure that was still modern because it was constantly refurbished and upgraded.

With her degree in hand, she was prepared to move forward with her dream to start a business. Combining her dressmaking acumen with her newfound business skills, she launched a retail outlet. Her store sold exquisite fabrics, and she earned widespread admiration for her sound advice concerning the best use of material.

As the business grew, my mother devoted more time and energy to her growing clientele. But even then, she never abandoned her true love, Torah study. My mother was constantly learning. Whenever the renowned Rav Simcha Wasserman, zt”l (1899-1992), came to San Diego to deliver a Torah class, she ensured to attend. The rabbi recommended to her Rav Avigdor Miller’s book, Rejoice O Youth, and she instantly became Rav Miller’s student, always eagerly anticipating his new publications. Rav Wasserman complimented my mother on her thirst for Torah knowledge and her ability to inculcate a genuine a love for Torah within her children.

There lived in San Diego an exceptional talmid hacham from France named Rabbi Henry Soille, who delivered many different classes on a variety of subjects, such as Kuzari, Midrash, and the Rambam’s Moreh Nevuchim. Whenever he spoke, no matter the subject, my mother made a point of attending. Rabbi Soille stated publicly that his two best students were my mother and my aunt.

Our extended family all mourn the passing of Ora (Claire) bat Miriam. Her optimism and youthful spirit cannot be matched. She loved everyone, and everyone loved her. Our family is much more subdued without her – she was our cheerleader, our mentor, our lifeline. Our dear mother is sorely missed.

Ora bat Miriam, your memory is and will always be a blessing to us. We hope and pray that we follow and perpetuate your legacy of love, hope, and endless optimism. The love which you showered upon us will forever remain in our hearts.

Teheh nishmatah tzrurah bitzror hahaim.