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Dear Jido – November 2020

Dear Jido,
My boss is a very intense person. He’s passionately angry about the state of our country (I am too, for the record!) and he can’t talk about anything else. Everything is negative. Everything is outrage.

I can hardly stand to have a conversation with him anymore because it’s always about politics, it’s always very intense, and it always stresses me out. If I try to chime in with some more nuanced thoughts about the problem in a calm voice, he thinks I’m being condescending. I’m at my wit’s end. I’m concerned that if I tell him how I really feel I will lose my job. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,
Shell-shocked

Dear Shell-Shocked,

In the olden days, when there used to be a big contest with a foregone conclusion, like the World Series or Super Bowl, we used to say, “It’s all over but the shouting.”

Well, by the time you read this, it still might not be over yet and, for sure, the shouting has just begun.

And in truth, there’s a lot to be upset about. The pandemic, the economy, the protests, the mayor, the governor, the president (whoever that is).

There’s plenty of positive things to shout about too, of course, Baruch Hashem, but that’s not the topic of your question.

While it’s never proper or acceptable to chew someone’s ear off, as it appears is happening to you, many people are having a hard time coping after these long months with the new normal and this might be his way of dealing with that pressure.

Therefore, I think you have two options. Number One is called Modified Active Listening. When he starts on his tirades, assuming you are forced to listen due to circumstances, respond often, “Yeah, uh-huh, wow, I hear, you’re right, I see.” Let his words go in one ear and out the other, but give him the respect he deserves as the boss.

Second Option: “Hey boss, something just came up, gotta go.” And go back to your desk. If he follows you to your office, make sure you have something important to do. He can’t get angry with you if you’re going back to work.

It ain’t easy. People are stressed. Be very grateful he’s yelling at THEM and not at YOU. But if he still continues even after things settle down, then consider your Third Option – SBH Careers Network.

Hashem should quickly bring an end to these crazy times and may He give the president the wisdom to deal effectively with our country (whoever that person will be).

Jido

Once Upon a Thyme – Shakshuka

I’d love to tell you that to make this Shakshuka, you can bust open a jar of tomato sauce, heat it in a pan, and crack some raw eggs inside and call it a day. While some may choose to do the latter, tomato sauce made from scratch is entirely unparalleled. The piquant blend of slow simmering tomatoes with the aromatic garlic and the fine notes of sweet red wine is sensational. When you’re in a pinch, canned whole tomatoes can work instead of fresh. Just don’t use store-bought marinara, because a dish that consists of tomato sauce for the majority of its contents deserves an awesome homemade sauce.

INGREDIENTS:

  • 6 vine-ripened tomatoes (or 28 oz. can whole tomatoes)
  • 2 onions, diced
  • 4 cloves garlic, sliced thin
  • 1 tbsp salt
  • 1 cup fresh basil
  • 1⁄2 cup red wine
  • 1⁄4 cup brown sugar
  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 6 eggs
  • 1⁄2 cup fresh parsley
  • Red pepper flakes, optional
  • French bread for serving
  1. In a large and wide skillet, heat olive oil. Add onions and sauté 10 to 20 minutes until caramelized. Add

    the garlic and cook for another 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, making sure it doesn’t burn.

  2. In a food processor or blender, add tomatoes and process until well blended. Add tomatoes, basil, brown sugar, salt, and red wine

to the pot. Bring to a boil and then simmer on low for about 45 minutes if using vine ripened tomatoes.
If using canned whole tomatoes simmer for just 15 minutes.

3. Using the back of a spoon, make 6 indentations or “wells” evenly in the sauce. Crack your eggs and add them each in the wells you created.

4. Over low or medium heat, cover the skillet and allow the eggs to cook briefly until the whites are settled (shakshuka eggs are meant to be runny, but if you like your eggs hard – you can let them cook longer).

5. Garnish with parsley, and if you like it hot, add red pepper flakes. Serve immediately along with toasted French bread.

Habitual Thinking

At some point in the past several weeks, we have all felt overwhelmed with everything that is going on. Having kids learning remotely indefinitely, the uncertainty of what this year will bring, or worries that you can’t handle whatever is coming this year, can make us feel overloaded and untethered.

OUR BRAIN’S DEFAULT – AUTOPILOT

If you’re feeling very overwhelmed by this it’s because your brain is on autopilot!

Let me explain what this means. Something interesting actually happened in my home a few weeks ago that clarified for me how “autopilot” works: We have had our plastic disposable cups stored in the same spot in our kitchen for the past eight years. A few weeks ago, I decided to switch the cups to a different closet on the other side of the kitchen. I put them in the new spot because I thought it would be more convenient for us and I informed all our family members. But interestingly, for the next two weeks, every single one of us – our kids, my husband, and I – kept going to the old cabinet to get our cups, even though we knew where the new cup closet was. If a guest would come over and ask me where we keep our cups, I would think to myself for a moment and tell them about our new spot. So even though our brain knows something, our minds are on autopilot unless we think something intentional to make our mind go on manual override. We have all been conditioned to have our minds on autopilot, telling us very specific messages (this is called “habitual thinking”) for many years.

Human beings aren’t born with thoughts or any beliefs. We came into this world with the default settings of happiness, security, confidence, resilience, and warmth. Now, the only thing that takes us away from those natural settings are the thoughts or beliefs we have adopted.

AUTOPILOT RESET

Thinking, “I can’t live like this,” or “I need to know what tomorrow will bring in order to feel safe” are a result of our habitual thinking, of our “autopilot thoughts.” The good news is that with our adult minds, we have the ability to look at what our brains are doing and see if it’s taking us to the “right cup closet,” or if it’s taking us to the “wrong place.”

So, if your brain is telling you that you won’t be able to cope with this year and everything that’s going on or that maybe the challenges will be too big for you to handle – you want to recognize these are “unhelpful habitual thoughts.”

Once you’ve recognized you’re having an unhelpful thought, you get more peace around the discomfort. Recognize and be aware that it’s only an unhelpful thought. You don’t have to do anything to fight it in the moment. Just be aware that your mind is taking you to the wrong cup closet; that’s okay. You know where the right cup closet is. You want to be aware that you’re having unhelpful thoughts. The more you become aware of your unhelpful thoughts, the more you are able to get back to your natural calm, clear, secure state.

LIVE MINDFULLY AND PUT HASHEM IN THE PICTURE

Choose to live and think mindfully and intentionally. What does Hashem want us to think about all that’s going on? That He loves us more than we could ever imagine loving ourselves, and that the challenges are uniquely designed for each of us as tremendous opportunities for growth! I like to thank Hashem for the unhelpful thoughts as they, too, are a unique challenge wrapped with love, even when they do not feel like it. We can understand how we say no to children precisely because we love them, even though they don’t see it and are saddened by it.

Be aware of your unhelpful thoughts, respect your feelings of discomfort, and take each challenge one at a time. Remember, Hashem gave you everything that you need inside of you to deal with any challenge that comes your way!

Mabrouk – November 2020

Births – Baby Boy

Yohay & Hannah Albo

Ophir & Merlene Zehavi

Births – Baby Girl

Dan & Miriam Massry

Yitzhak & Sara Gindi

Manny & Denise Abraham

Marom & Liat Unger

Mr. & Mrs. Ahron Manopla

Jack & Tina Farhi

Bar Mitzvah

Yitzhak, son of Rabbi Yoel and Rutie Zafrani

Engagements

Joey Salama to Barbara Erani

Jacob Gindi to Sarah Sananes

Aharon Gemal to Vivian Chrem

Weddings

Benny Avot to Marcia Harary

Abie Chera to Bracha Seror

Moshe Alaluf to Tikvah Kabani

Ikey Cohen to Raquel Tbeile

Jeffry Cohen to Suzie Dana

If Only…

RABBI DAVID ASHEAR

A sentence appears towards the end of the Shaar HaBitachon section of Chovot HaLevavot, which if we internalize and follow its message, could spare us a great deal of heartache and angst. It states, “The one who trusts [in Hashem] says: I never decided to do something and then wished I had done something else.”

When it comes to mundane matters, everything is under Hashem’s complete control. If a person purchases a car, and the next day he hears of a better deal on a nicer car, he might say to himself, I should never have bought this car. What a mistake! I hate this car. I could’ve done so much better! But one who trusts in Hashem, recognizes that Hashem did not grant him access the previous day to the information he now has about the other car, and so the vehicle he purchased is the one Hashem decided he should have, for his benefit. He is therefore perfectly content and happy with his purchase.

Likewise, if a person bought a house and soon after learned about a larger house in the same neighborhood with more sunlight and a driveway, which was selling for the same price, will not regret his purchase if he lives with genuine bitachon. He will realize

that Hashem did not allow him to know about this larger house because, in His infinite wisdom, He knew it was best for this person to live in the house he purchased.

This is even true about marriage. If soon after his wedding a man has second thoughts and begins asking himself why he married this woman, wondering if perhaps he made a mistake, he must recognize that these thoughts are instruments of the yetzer hara, evil inclination, which is trying to ruin his life. When he got engaged and married, he was thinking very clearly and it made perfect sense to him. Hashem guided him to that girl and made sure everything would work out so they would get married. He should not regret it now, after the fact, once he is married.

Of course, in situations where something can still be done to improve a person’s condition, he must make an effort to do so. But once the situation is finalized and nothing can be done to change it, he should feel confident and happy knowing that Hashem guided him to make the decision that ultimately works out to his greatest benefit.

Two years ago, a man by the name of Moe* told me the following story:

Every year, he would spend the summer with his family at a camp in upstate New York where he held a certain position, in exchange for which he received room and board for his family and free camp for his children.

During the winter of that year, Moe was not well and decided to take some time off to relax and recuperate. He phoned the camp’s owner and informed him that he would not be joining them that summer.

Toward the end of the school year, though, he felt much stronger and decided he would be able to assume his regular position. Moreover, his family was very disappointed at the prospect of not spending the summer in camp.

Moe called the camp, but the owner informed him that someone else had already accepted his position for that summer. He endured a great deal of heartache and frustration over the decision he had made. “What was I thinking?” he asked himself repeatedly. “Why did I give this up?”

He needed to internalize the words of the Chovot HaLevavot – One who trusts in Hashem never regrets a decision he made. During the winter, he felt he would be unable to handle the summer job. Hashem knew the future, and He certainly knew that Moe would feel better by the summer. Yet, He did not put the thought in Moe’s mind that he might feel stronger in a couple of months, and that his family would be very disappointed if they did not spend summer in camp. Hashem knew what was best for him, and so he was led to make this decision.

At this point, when there was nothing more he could do, Moe should have acknowledged that Hashem’s will was for his family not to spend the summer in camp, and make the most of this situation.

Hashem is in full control of our lives. He arranges the situations that He knows will be best for us. We need to trust Him and feel perfectly at ease knowing that He is directing us, He knows our thoughts and feelings, He knows the future, and He always puts us exactly where we need to be.

Leading by Example

Rabbi Mansour’s column last month (The Ultimate “Flood” Insurance Policy) brought out such a beautiful message. I wish this article came out a couple of years ago. It wasn’t too long ago that I was guilty of neglecting my spouse and kids. My children were constantly nagging me about how often I was on my phone. It took a while for me to realize that I was addicted to my iPhone. When my four-year-old screamed at me and shouted, “Stop looking at your phone!” I decided that I needed to break this bad habit immediately.

As Rabbi Mansour suggested, investing time in your family is the best investment one can make. Spending time together, focusing on each other without distraction is the healthiest way to build or maintain a relationship, and share experiences. Disconnecting to reconnect is critical to our happiness and family strength. As parents, we need to set a good example for our children.

David S.

Presidential Election

I for one can’t wait until this election is over. This topic has become so consuming and destructive. It has become a common sight to witness family members and friends yelling and screaming at each other about which candidate they think is best.

In chapter two of Pirkei Avot it states, “Beware of rulers, for they befriend someone only for their own benefit; they act friendly when it benefits them, but do not stand by someone in his time of need.” We do the best we can. We listen to the political speeches and vote for
the candidate that we think will do the best job. However, we must always be prepared for betrayal. Better to spend your time studying Torah and doing mitzvot, rather than arguing with friends and relatives about which candidate to vote for.

Mike E.

COVID-19

It is discouraging, frightening, and almost hard to believe that the media and some politicians are implying that the Jews are to blame for the Coronavirus. Haven’t we come farther than that? Was it not five hundred years ago that we were blamed for the Bubonic Plague? Hasn’t this world evolved more than that? I find it incredibly upsetting that blame is being laid at our feet. With the rise of virulent anti-Semitism it is so easy to blame our people for everything and anything that goes wrong. It is so disheartening that after the Holocaust we still are so reviled. What have we ever done to deserve such intense hatred? It hurts my heart, and it makes me worry for my little grandson’s generation. What do they have to look forward to? Will it get worse? I fear that there will never be any resolution.

Aimee F.

_____________________________________________________

The community has a very high reverence for the term “Magen David.” There are shuls and yeshivot that share that name. Yet, what is Magen David? It is King David’s shield. Yes, King David went into battle with Hashem’s blessing, but not without his shield – to teach us we cannot depend on miracles. Today, we don’t have a Magen David – we need a face mask. We cannot rely on miracles. If you want to live a long life – wear a face mask!

Sincerely,
Charles P.

Between Carpools

As soon as I saw the No Mixer Oatmeal Cookie recipe ingredients in last month’s column, I said to myself, “That’s the one that I want to make – it looks absolutely delicious.” I plan on making it for my company in a couple of weeks. All should try this one. I am not a baker, and I find it easy to make. Enjoy!

Iris M.

The Lighter Side – October 2020

A Flabbergasting Fragrance

Greg walks into a department store and goes straight to the fragrance section. He says to the sales lady, “Today is my wife’s birthday, and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.”

“Oh, wonderful,” the sales lady said. “That will be a nice surprise for her.”

“Yeah, it sure will,” Greg replies. “She’s expecting a diamond necklace!”

Abie C.

Speeding Seniors

A policeman spotted a car speeding down the highway in the left lane. He immediately turned on his siren and went chasing after the speeder. When he got close enough, he pulled up alongside the car and saw a man who looked like he was at least 85 years old driving about 90 mph, while a lady about the same age sat in the passenger seat next to him, calmly knitting. The policeman took out his megaphone and loudly demanded, “Pull over!”

Turning around and seeing the cop with his lights flashing and sirens blaring, the little old lady opened her window and shouted to the policeman, “No… it’s a sweater.”

Yitzy D.

Police Perspective

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”

Sarah A.

Sight Seeing

Sam walked into the Museum with his guide dog. Though unable to see, he could feel the aura generated by the quiet atmosphere, marble floors, and impressive exhibits.

Suddenly, Sam stopped, yanked the leash and began swinging the dog over his head. The manager was quickly alerted and came running over.

“Stop that right now!” he shouted. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Sam replied innocently, “Just looking around.”

Ezra Sultan

Know Your Station

Barbara was in Grand Central Station on her way to Connecticut. She had never taken the trip before, and was wondering if she had to switch trains in Stanford. When she reached the ticket booth, she placed her money on the counter and announced her destination. As she received her ticket, she asked the ticket agent, “Will I need to change?”

The agent looked up at Barbara and said, “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything but, yes – those shoes really don’t go with that belt.”

Jack V. Grazi

A Turn of Events

Yankel was waiting on the platform at the train station. He noticed a Jewish man standing nearby and asked him the time. The man ignored him, and so Yankel asked him again, only to be ignored a second time.

Frustrated, Yankel asked, “Excuse me, but I’ve asked you for the time twice. Why are you ignoring me?”

The man looked at Yankel and said, “Look, we’re obviously both waiting for the train. If I would answer you, then when we get on the train you will most likely come and sit next to me. Then you will probably start a conversation and while we are talking I may invite you to my house for Shabbat. When you come to dinner, you will meet my daughter and I’m sure you will like her. You may eventually want to marry her.”

“And what would be wrong with that?” Yankel demanded.

“To be honest with you,” the man replied, “why would I want a son-in-law who can’t afford a watch?”

Dalia H.

Leading American Technology

Back in the 1960s, when NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that standard ink based pens were unreliable in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA set up a task force of scientists at six top university research centers around the country, who spent a decade and $26 million to develop a pen that can write equally well in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 220 degrees. The Russians, faced with the same technical challenge to space travel, just used a pencil.

Raymond J.

My Career Search

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it… so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it… mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life…. but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

I finally got a job as a historian… until I realized there was no future in it.

So I retired.

Morris M.

Always Be Prepared

After a rash of accidents in Florida where cars skidded into canals, Mrs. Stevens was worried that this might happen to her. So she asked her 20-year-old son Brian to buy a tool that could break the car windows in case the vehicle ever went underwater.

“It’s good to be prepared,” she mentioned to her son when he gave her the device.

While driving his mother’s car the next day, Brian called his mother, “Mom, where’s the tool I bought, did you have a chance to put in the car?”

“I sure did,” his mother replied, “It’s in the trunk next to the spare tire.”

A.C.

What Daddy Does

Richie: “Hey Tommy, what does your daddy do for a living?”

Tommy: “My daddy’s an accountant and he works from home.”

Richie: “That’s cool.”

Tommy: “What does your daddy do?”

Richie: “My daddy’s a Congressman in Washington.”

Tommy: “Honest?”

Richie: “No, just the regular kind.”

Michael L.

It Was an Accident

Joe was getting into his car when he noticed a dent. He then looked up and saw a note on the windshield with the phone number of the driver who caused the damage.

Joe called and the woman profusely apologized for the incident. “I feel terrible,” she said. “I accidentally hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot.”

“Please don’t worry,” Joe said. “I’m sure our insurance companies will take care of everything.”

“Thank you so much for understanding,” she said. “You’re so much nicer then the man that I hit on the way out.”

Jack V. Grazi

A Private’s Pitch

Impressed by how well Private Jones was getting recruits to sign up for GI Insurance, the captain listened in on his sales pitch.

“If you have insurance and are killed in battle, the government pays $50,000 to your beneficiaries,” Jones explained. “If you don’t have insurance and get killed, the government pays nothing. Now,” he concluded, “who do you think gets sent into battle first?”

Alice C.

Riddles – October 2020

SUBMITTED BY: Leslie M.

Which is the odd word out in each of these sets of five words? Four of the words all have something in common that the fifth one doesn’t.
1. Elephant, Rabbit, Mouse, Turtle, Dog
2. Red, Yellow, Orange, Violet, Indigo
3. Six, Nine, Twelve, Twenty, Thirty
4. Gym, Myth, Rhythm, Cry, Oxygen

Last Month’s Riddle: Bike Repair
If four people can repair four bicycles in four hours, how many bicycles can eight people repair in eight hours?

SOLUTION: 16 bicycles.
Solved by: Kiko, Joseph Betesh, Yitzchak Saieda, Haim S., Joshua H., The Shmulster, and Big Mike.

 

JUNIOR RIDDLE: Coin Challenge
SUBMITTED BY: Nathan D.

In the United States, there are four coins that people use on a regular basis: the penny (1 cent), the nickel (5 cents), the dime (ten cents) and the quarter (25 cents). Assuming you have as many of each of these coins as you need, what is the minimum number of coins you need to make up a total of 88 cents?

Last Month’s Junior Riddle: Family Outing
Two mothers and two daughters went out to eat. Everyone ate one burger, yet only three burgers were eaten in all. How is this possible?

SOLUTION: They were a grandmother, mother, and daughter.

Solved by: Haim S., The Dweck Family, Ruth M., The Shmulster, and Big Mike.

One on One with Etty Mizrahi

Ellen Geller Kamaras

As a Yeshivah of Flatbush graduate, I was thrilled to interview an alumna who studied at Flatbush from pre-K through high school, who now plays an integral role at the high school in providing a safe, confidential space in which students can share, gain support, and develop skills to cope with their school experiences.

Please meet Etty Ballas Mizrahi, the Director of Guidance at Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School.

The Guidance Department imparts a significant function during typical times, helping students “thrive academically, personally and socially.”   You can imagine how critical the Guidance Department’s work became when COVID-19 hit NYC.

Before we dive into Etty’s current role, let’s step back to take a look at her journey from student to adulthood.

The Early Years

Etty Ballas, born in Queens, moved to Brooklyn when she was a little girl.  She has a brother and sister and is the oldest of the three.  Etty’s parents were inspiring role models who championed her both emotionally and academically. Mayer Ballas, Etty’s father, emigrated from Syria as an adult after attending medical school in Syria.  Dr. Ballas worked hard to bring Syrian Jews to the United States so that they, too, could earn a living and learn Torah freely.  Etty describes her mother Rachel lovingly as a person who is always present for family and would do anything to help others.

“As a child and teenager, I enjoyed school greatly and worked hard – the pressure to do well came from within.”

Mom and Dad were on board with Etty’s decision to apply early to Columbia University. Her father inquired about her goals. Etty considered following in her father’s footsteps and studying medicine.  Etty was grateful that her parents were so supportive and allowed her to dorm and enjoy the total college experience.

Etty met Raymond (“Ray”) Mizrahi in her senior year of high school.  Ray, two years older than Etty, was a Yeshivah of Flatbush alumnus.  They married in 2003 and it was Ray’s encouragement and constant support every step of the way that enabled Etty to pursue graduate school and her career goals.

The Mizrahi’s have been married for 17 years and have five children ranging in age from two to thirteen.  Ray works in the fine foods business and is a devoted partner and father. The Mizrahis are glad that all their kids attend Flatbush. Their 13-year-old son will be entering high school this year.

Academics and Career

Back to Etty’s Columbia days. She thought about pre-med studies but then realized how much she loved psychology and working with children. During college, Etty was a second grade assistant teacher at Flatbush and enjoyed the kids tremendously. That position confirmed her desire to work with children one-on-one.  Etty applied to Brooklyn College for a master’s degree in school psychology and returned to Flatbush for an internship in the Middle Division when she was expecting her first child.

After completing her master’s degree, Etty was hired as a school psychologist at Barkai Yeshivah.

“I loved my experience at Barkai. Three months into my job, I was chatting with a friend about pursuing a doctorate degree and she said, ‘Etty, instead of talking about it, go for it!’”

Etty felt torn. Things were going well at Barkai, yet the Pace University doctoral program  in school-clinical child psychology called to her.  Etty wanted the flexibility and opportunity afforded by a doctorate, and she wanted to follow her passion for learning. After consulting with others in the field (who later became her mentors), Etty took the leap and applied.

Etty entered Pace’s Psy.D school-clinical child psychology program with one child at home and one on the way.  As a student therapist, she saw clients and attended classes during the day and made every available hour productive. Family time, however, particularly during Shabbat, was sacred to her.  That January, Etty gave birth to her second child. She was back in her statistics class a week later.

In her third year at Pace, Etty received an externship at Kings County Hospital.  She landed a full-time internship at NYU’s Rusk Institute during her fourth year. She completed a fellowship at NYU’s pediatric cancer center following her graduation from Pace in 2012.  She was exhilarated about her clinical training at NYU.  Etty gave birth to her third child shortly after beginning her fellowship.

Returning to Flatbush

As fate would have it, Etty saw a Guidance Director position advertised at Flatbush High School.  She was interviewed by her former high school principals and received a job offer for the position that had been previously held by one of her mentors.

One of Etty’s much-loved parts of her job is working directly with students, but she is glad that she gets to apply her clinical skills and training in so many ways, and finds her role and responsibilities fulfilling and challenging!

Etty’s Special Essence

Etty was modest when asked her to describe herself. “I do the best I can at whatever I do and try to give my all.  I care about people and try to be there for those I am close to, including family, friends, colleagues, and students. I prefer to be a giver but I am learning to accept help from others.”  While I observed that she was driven, Etty described herself using the softer term “motivated.”

Being “present” and “genuine” are Etty’s priorities.  Since I am  a life coach, these attributes touched me, as they both require an individual to really listen.  Being present means giving your time, energy, and attention, and showing up without inserting a personal agenda.

Genuine people have the ability to really listen. They generally do not care so much about being liked and they share their real thoughts about life.

Miriam Wielgus, Etty’s colleague and the Jewish History Department Chair, portrayed Etty as extremely warm, empathetic, and special.

Flatbush Guidance

Etty is so proud of Flatbush’s unique guidance program.  The Yeshivah believes that every student benefits from having their own personal advocate as they navigate their high school years.  Each incoming freshman is assigned a guidance team member who stays with them throughout the four years. These relationships grow as the student advances through high school.  “We look at each student as a whole person, with different abilities, talents, and perspectives and we support each one to achieve success and fulfillment.”

Her favorite aspects of the job?  Number one is meeting one-on-one with students.  That’s what initially drew Etty to psychology. Number two are her supervisory responsibilities. “I work with an amazing team of gems.  We all have different backgrounds and skills, including school psychology, social work, and art therapy, but we all collaborate, cover for each other, and perform the same responsibilities.  We work with our students, teachers, administrators, and parents to help our students have the best possible experience throughout high school. We work toward building students’ inner strength, character, and values in all that we do.”

The Guidance Department creates student and parent programming on topics affecting teenagers, such as relationships, substance use, and mental health issues.  Etty and her team collaborate closely with Project SAFE teachers, who conduct weekly life skills discussion classes on all aspects of teen life.

The Juggling Act of a Working Mom

Elly admits that it is a daily challenge to balance work and family life and that she could not do it without Ray’s support. He even shops at Moisha’s for her!  She also credits her wonderful nanny who has been with her since her oldest child was six weeks old.

Etty loves her work but her family is her prime accomplishment, “I love being a mom and love the stage I’m in with my children.”

Since her job is an all-consuming one, Etty structures her time carefully.  “Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a full day before I walk into work!”

Her advice to working moms?  “Do something for yourself every day and set boundaries as far as what you commit to.”

Etty spends her free time with family and friends.  She loves outings to beaches and parks and greatly enjoys cooking, eating, reading, and attending lectures with friends.

COVID-19 Response

Dealing with the pandemic from a Guidance perspective was a huge undertaking.  In-person learning ended with one day’s notice in March.  Etty and her team communicated that they were there for students, parents, and teachers and provided resources for all of them.  Students were engaged virtually, individually, and in groups.  The team also used social media to convey uplifting messages to Yeshivah of Flatbush families.

The Guidance Department’s focus throughout the reopening process is on taking care of the mental health of the students, parents, and faculty and supporting families as they transition back to school.

Connect with Etty at emizrahi@flatbush.org.

 

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching.   Ellen works part-time as an entitlement specialist at Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).

 

 

The Ultimate “Flood” Insurance Policy

The Torah is the blueprint for living a proper religious life.  But in Parashat Noah, we find a much different kind of blueprint – the blueprint of Noah’s ark.

The Torah is surprisingly specific in telling us about this structure, which housed Noah, his wife, his sons, his daughters-in-law, and all the creatures while Gd destroyed the earth which had been corrupted.  It finds it necessary to tell us its precise dimensions – that it was 300 amot (cubits) long, 50 amot wide, and 30 amot high.

Why do we need to know the ark’s dimensions?  Would the story have been any different if it were 350 amot long, instead of 300?

Another curious detail is the fact that the floodwaters rose 15 amot above the mountains.  This point, too, seems to be nothing more than a trivial statistic, which does not appear to enhance our understanding of the Flood, or of its message for our lives.

The first clue to uncovering the meaning of these figures is an observation made by the Keli Yakar (Rav Shlomo Efrayim Luntschitz, Prague, 1550-1619).  He noted that throughout the story of the Flood, the number 15 is prominent.  The surface area of the ark’s interior was 15,000 amot (300 X 50).  The ark was 30 amot tall, but it had three different floors, such that each floor consisted of a space of 150,000 amot (300 X 50 X 10).  As mentioned earlier, the water rose 15 amot over the mountaintops.  And, the Torah mentions that after the rain stopped falling, the waters gradually receded over the course of 150 days.  Once again, we find the number 15 being mentioned.

Marriage and the Shechinah

 This enigma is solved for us by one of the great Kabbalists, Rav Natan Neta Spira (Poland, 1585-1633), in his famous work Megaleh Amukot, where he draws a fascinating connection between the story of the Flood and a famous passage in the Gemara relevant to our most sacred institution – marriage.

The Gemara (Sotah 17a) observes that the Hebrew words ish (man) and ishah (woman) are quite similar.  Both consist of the letters alef and shin.  The difference between these words is the third letter – the word ish contains the letter yod, and the word ishah contains the letter heh.  When a husband and wife are loyally and devotedly bonded, then the yod of the word ish connects with the heh of ishah to form the Name of Gd, as yod and heh spell one of the divine Names.  This signifies the blessing of the Shechinah, the Divine Presence, which rests among them.

But if the husband and wife are not bound together by mutual commitment, then the Shechinah departs the home.  The yod and the heh leave, and only the letters alef and shin remain – which form the word esh – fire.  Once the Shechinah departs, the home is consumed by the fire of strife and discord, Heaven forbid.

The generation of the Flood, the Megaleh Amukot writes, was plagued by immorality, by a complete breakdown of the bond of marriage, of the family.  Husbands and wives were not loyal to one another.

And so the yod and the heh, the Divine Presence, departed from the world, leaving behind “esh.”  Tradition teaches that the waters which flooded the earth were boiling.  The earth was not just flooded, but burned.  Once the yod and heh departed, and the “esh” it left behind consumed the earth.

This explains why the number 15 plays such a prominent role, and receives such emphasis, in the story of the Flood.  The gematria (numerical value) of the letter yod is 10, and of heh is 5 – for a sum of 15.  The Flood occurred because of the breakdown of marriage, because of the dissolution of the marital bond.  This resulted in the Shechinah’s departure – represented by the number 15 – and the eruption of a destructive “fire,” in the form of the scalding floodwaters which consumed the earth.

The Faithfulness of the Dove

This explains a number of other mysteries that we encounter when reading the story of the Flood.

First, it explains why it was specifically a dove that Noah sent from the ark to determine whether the earth had dried and become once again inhabitable.  Of all species in the world, Noah chose a dove.  The reason, as some have explained, is that the dove is the symbol of marital fidelity.  The Midrash (Shir Hashirim Rabbah) teaches that once a male and female dove mate, they never mate with anyone else.  Noah understood that in order to rebuild the world following the Flood, mankind must commit itself to loyalty and devotion in marriage, symbolized by the dove.  And so he chose specifically a dove as the creature that would deliver the message that the floodwaters had subsided, that the time had come to build a new, better society.

Additionally, this explains an otherwise peculiar word added by the Torah in describing the exiting of the ark.  The Torah writes that Noah, his sons and daughters-in-law, and all the creatures left the ark “lemishpehotehem – by their families” (Beresheet 8:19).  Life in the world was renewed with a firm commitment to build strong families.  The world was destroyed because of the breakdown of the family; it needed to be rebuilt through a devotion to family, to loyalty and devotion.

Completing the Name

As we know, the letters yod and heh are only the first two letters of the Divine Name.  The full Name consists also of another pair of letters – vav and heh.

We must wonder, then, how does a couple complete Gd’s Name?  As we have seen, the marital bond brings together the yod and the heh.  But what about the other two letters?  How do a husband and wife complete the process of bringing the Shechinah into their homes and into their lives?

The Rabbis pointed to a number of aspects of the Jewish wedding as symbols of this process.

First, the groom gives the bride a small object of value – usually, of course, a ring – as an expression of his devotion.  The hand has five fingers, and so the groom’s hand which gives the ring, and the bride’s hand which receives it, represent the two heh’s in the Name.  The groom’s outstretched arm resembles the vav, and the small ring symbolizes the yod, the smallest letter.  This act of giving completes the Name – because a husband and wife bring the Shechinah into their lives through giving, through self-sacrifice, by devoting themselves to one another.

There is also another way to complete the Name.

The Arizal (Rav Yitzhak Luria, 1534-1572) taught that a married couple completes the Name by begetting children.  Halachah follows the view of Bet Hillel that although a couple should produce as many children as they can, the minimum requirement is fulfilled by begetting one boy and one girl.  (It goes without saying that a couple’s obligation is to try to produce children; the success of these efforts, as we know, depends solely on Gd’s assistance.)  In Kabbalistic teaching, the male is associated with the letter vav, and the female, with the letter heh.  Thus, the bond between the husband and wife forms the first letters of Gd’s Name – the yod and heh – and their fulfillment of the command of procreation forms the final letters – the vav and the heh, thereby completing the Name.

The way we bring Gd’s presence into our lives, then, is through a commitment to family, through a marriage characterized by giving and kindness, and through begetting and raising children.  When we build a strong family unit, the Shechinah resides among us in our homes, and we are then able to receive the countless blessings that the Divine Presence brings.

The Modern-Day “Flood”

After Noah and his family left the ark, Gd famously promised that He would never again destroy the earth, that He would instead patiently wait for us to correct our behavior without requiring the annihilation of the world as occurred in Noah’s time.

However, although Gd will never again bring a “flood,” mankind is capable of destroying itself, by repeating the mistake of the generation of the Flood.

Unfortunately, we see this happening in our time.  The world is “flooded” by the breakdown of marriage and family.  Many people today are not interested in entering into a committed relationship, and many couples who do are not interested in begetting children.  And even among those who do marry and produce children, the endless distractions of modern life are disrupting family life.  Couples are looking at their devices instead of talking to one another and nurturing their relationship.  Parents and children spend time in front of screens instead of spending time with one another.  People expend time and energy creating fake “relationships” on social media rather than building real, meaningful relationships within the family.  And, of course, our society’s culture of immorality and permissiveness discourages the commitment between husband and wife which forms the bedrock of the family unit.

As this “deluge” of immorality floods the earth, let us, observant Jewry, build the “ark” that will save humanity from itself.  Let us lead by example, by building beautiful, happy homes, by investing time in our spouses, in our children, and in our other family members – by taking our eyes off our screens and directing them towards the people we love.  Let us show that true happiness, contentment,  and fulfillment is achieved not through permissiveness and a lack of boundaries, but to the contrary, through the hard work and commitment required to build a beautiful, loving family.