At some point in the past several weeks, we have all felt overwhelmed with everything that is going on. Having kids learning remotely indefinitely, the uncertainty of what this year will bring, or worries that you can’t handle whatever is coming this year, can make us feel overloaded and untethered.
OUR BRAIN’S DEFAULT – AUTOPILOT
If you’re feeling very overwhelmed by this it’s because your brain is on autopilot!
Let me explain what this means. Something interesting actually happened in my home a few weeks ago that clarified for me how “autopilot” works: We have had our plastic disposable cups stored in the same spot in our kitchen for the past eight years. A few weeks ago, I decided to switch the cups to a different closet on the other side of the kitchen. I put them in the new spot because I thought it would be more convenient for us and I informed all our family members. But interestingly, for the next two weeks, every single one of us – our kids, my husband, and I – kept going to the old cabinet to get our cups, even though we knew where the new cup closet was. If a guest would come over and ask me where we keep our cups, I would think to myself for a moment and tell them about our new spot. So even though our brain knows something, our minds are on autopilot unless we think something intentional to make our mind go on manual override. We have all been conditioned to have our minds on autopilot, telling us very specific messages (this is called “habitual thinking”) for many years.
Human beings aren’t born with thoughts or any beliefs. We came into this world with the default settings of happiness, security, confidence, resilience, and warmth. Now, the only thing that takes us away from those natural settings are the thoughts or beliefs we have adopted.
AUTOPILOT RESET
Thinking, “I can’t live like this,” or “I need to know what tomorrow will bring in order to feel safe” are a result of our habitual thinking, of our “autopilot thoughts.” The good news is that with our adult minds, we have the ability to look at what our brains are doing and see if it’s taking us to the “right cup closet,” or if it’s taking us to the “wrong place.”
So, if your brain is telling you that you won’t be able to cope with this year and everything that’s going on or that maybe the challenges will be too big for you to handle – you want to recognize these are “unhelpful habitual thoughts.”
Once you’ve recognized you’re having an unhelpful thought, you get more peace around the discomfort. Recognize and be aware that it’s only an unhelpful thought. You don’t have to do anything to fight it in the moment. Just be aware that your mind is taking you to the wrong cup closet; that’s okay. You know where the right cup closet is. You want to be aware that you’re having unhelpful thoughts. The more you become aware of your unhelpful thoughts, the more you are able to get back to your natural calm, clear, secure state.
LIVE MINDFULLY AND PUT HASHEM IN THE PICTURE
Choose to live and think mindfully and intentionally. What does Hashem want us to think about all that’s going on? That He loves us more than we could ever imagine loving ourselves, and that the challenges are uniquely designed for each of us as tremendous opportunities for growth! I like to thank Hashem for the unhelpful thoughts as they, too, are a unique challenge wrapped with love, even when they do not feel like it. We can understand how we say no to children precisely because we love them, even though they don’t see it and are saddened by it.
Be aware of your unhelpful thoughts, respect your feelings of discomfort, and take each challenge one at a time. Remember, Hashem gave you everything that you need inside of you to deal with any challenge that comes your way!
A sentence appears towards the end of the Shaar HaBitachon section of Chovot HaLevavot, which if we internalize and follow its message, could spare us a great deal of heartache and angst. It states, “The one who trusts [in Hashem] says: I never decided to do something and then wished I had done something else.”
When it comes to mundane matters, everything is under Hashem’s complete control. If a person purchases a car, and the next day he hears of a better deal on a nicer car, he might say to himself, I should never have bought this car. What a mistake! I hate this car. I could’ve done so much better! But one who trusts in Hashem, recognizes that Hashem did not grant him access the previous day to the information he now has about the other car, and so the vehicle he purchased is the one Hashem decided he should have, for his benefit. He is therefore perfectly content and happy with his purchase.
Likewise, if a person bought a house and soon after learned about a larger house in the same neighborhood with more sunlight and a driveway, which was selling for the same price, will not regret his purchase if he lives with genuine bitachon. He will realize
that Hashem did not allow him to know about this larger house because, in His infinite wisdom, He knew it was best for this person to live in the house he purchased.
This is even true about marriage. If soon after his wedding a man has second thoughts and begins asking himself why he married this woman, wondering if perhaps he made a mistake, he must recognize that these thoughts are instruments of the yetzer hara, evil inclination, which is trying to ruin his life. When he got engaged and married, he was thinking very clearly and it made perfect sense to him. Hashem guided him to that girl and made sure everything would work out so they would get married. He should not regret it now, after the fact, once he is married.
Of course, in situations where something can still be done to improve a person’s condition, he must make an effort to do so. But once the situation is finalized and nothing can be done to change it, he should feel confident and happy knowing that Hashem guided him to make the decision that ultimately works out to his greatest benefit.
Two years ago, a man by the name of Moe* told me the following story:
Every year, he would spend the summer with his family at a camp in upstate New York where he held a certain position, in exchange for which he received room and board for his family and free camp for his children.
During the winter of that year, Moe was not well and decided to take some time off to relax and recuperate. He phoned the camp’s owner and informed him that he would not be joining them that summer.
Toward the end of the school year, though, he felt much stronger and decided he would be able to assume his regular position. Moreover, his family was very disappointed at the prospect of not spending the summer in camp.
Moe called the camp, but the owner informed him that someone else had already accepted his position for that summer. He endured a great deal of heartache and frustration over the decision he had made. “What was I thinking?” he asked himself repeatedly. “Why did I give this up?”
He needed to internalize the words of the Chovot HaLevavot – One who trusts in Hashem never regrets a decision he made. During the winter, he felt he would be unable to handle the summer job. Hashem knew the future, and He certainly knew that Moe would feel better by the summer. Yet, He did not put the thought in Moe’s mind that he might feel stronger in a couple of months, and that his family would be very disappointed if they did not spend summer in camp. Hashem knew what was best for him, and so he was led to make this decision.
At this point, when there was nothing more he could do, Moe should have acknowledged that Hashem’s will was for his family not to spend the summer in camp, and make the most of this situation.
Hashem is in full control of our lives. He arranges the situations that He knows will be best for us. We need to trust Him and feel perfectly at ease knowing that He is directing us, He knows our thoughts and feelings, He knows the future, and He always puts us exactly where we need to be.
Rabbi Mansour’s column last month (The Ultimate “Flood” Insurance Policy) brought out such a beautiful message. I wish this article came out a couple of years ago. It wasn’t too long ago that I was guilty of neglecting my spouse and kids. My children were constantly nagging me about how often I was on my phone. It took a while for me to realize that I was addicted to my iPhone. When my four-year-old screamed at me and shouted, “Stop looking at your phone!” I decided that I needed to break this bad habit immediately.
As Rabbi Mansour suggested, investing time in your family is the best investment one can make. Spending time together, focusing on each other without distraction is the healthiest way to build or maintain a relationship, and share experiences. Disconnecting to reconnect is critical to our happiness and family strength. As parents, we need to set a good example for our children.
David S.
Presidential Election
I for one can’t wait until this election is over. This topic has become so consuming and destructive. It has become a common sight to witness family members and friends yelling and screaming at each other about which candidate they think is best.
In chapter two of Pirkei Avot it states, “Beware of rulers, for they befriend someone only for their own benefit; they act friendly when it benefits them, but do not stand by someone in his time of need.” We do the best we can. We listen to the political speeches and vote for
the candidate that we think will do the best job. However, we must always be prepared for betrayal. Better to spend your time studying Torah and doing mitzvot, rather than arguing with friends and relatives about which candidate to vote for.
Mike E.
COVID-19
It is discouraging, frightening, and almost hard to believe that the media and some politicians are implying that the Jews are to blame for the Coronavirus. Haven’t we come farther than that? Was it not five hundred years ago that we were blamed for the Bubonic Plague? Hasn’t this world evolved more than that? I find it incredibly upsetting that blame is being laid at our feet. With the rise of virulent anti-Semitism it is so easy to blame our people for everything and anything that goes wrong. It is so disheartening that after the Holocaust we still are so reviled. What have we ever done to deserve such intense hatred? It hurts my heart, and it makes me worry for my little grandson’s generation. What do they have to look forward to? Will it get worse? I fear that there will never be any resolution.
The community has a very high reverence for the term “Magen David.” There are shuls and yeshivot that share that name. Yet, what is Magen David? It is King David’s shield. Yes, King David went into battle with Hashem’s blessing, but not without his shield – to teach us we cannot depend on miracles. Today, we don’t have a Magen David – we need a face mask. We cannot rely on miracles. If you want to live a long life – wear a face mask!
Sincerely,
Charles P.
Between Carpools
As soon as I saw the No Mixer Oatmeal Cookie recipe ingredients in last month’s column, I said to myself, “That’s the one that I want to make – it looks absolutely delicious.” I plan on making it for my company in a couple of weeks. All should try this one. I am not a baker, and I find it easy to make. Enjoy!
Greg walks into a department store and goes straight to the fragrance section. He says to the sales lady, “Today is my wife’s birthday, and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.”
“Oh, wonderful,” the sales lady said. “That will be a nice surprise for her.”
“Yeah, it sure will,” Greg replies. “She’s expecting a diamond necklace!”
Abie C.
Speeding Seniors
A policeman spotted a car speeding down the highway in the left lane. He immediately turned on his siren and went chasing after the speeder. When he got close enough, he pulled up alongside the car and saw a man who looked like he was at least 85 years old driving about 90 mph, while a lady about the same age sat in the passenger seat next to him, calmly knitting. The policeman took out his megaphone and loudly demanded, “Pull over!”
Turning around and seeing the cop with his lights flashing and sirens blaring, the little old lady opened her window and shouted to the policeman, “No… it’s a sweater.”
Yitzy D.
Police Perspective
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
Sarah A.
Sight Seeing
Sam walked into the Museum with his guide dog. Though unable to see, he could feel the aura generated by the quiet atmosphere, marble floors, and impressive exhibits.
Suddenly, Sam stopped, yanked the leash and began swinging the dog over his head. The manager was quickly alerted and came running over.
“Stop that right now!” he shouted. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Sam replied innocently, “Just looking around.”
Ezra Sultan
Know Your Station
Barbara was in Grand Central Station on her way to Connecticut. She had never taken the trip before, and was wondering if she had to switch trains in Stanford. When she reached the ticket booth, she placed her money on the counter and announced her destination. As she received her ticket, she asked the ticket agent, “Will I need to change?”
The agent looked up at Barbara and said, “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything but, yes – those shoes really don’t go with that belt.”
Jack V. Grazi
A Turn of Events
Yankel was waiting on the platform at the train station. He noticed a Jewish man standing nearby and asked him the time. The man ignored him, and so Yankel asked him again, only to be ignored a second time.
Frustrated, Yankel asked, “Excuse me, but I’ve asked you for the time twice. Why are you ignoring me?”
The man looked at Yankel and said, “Look, we’re obviously both waiting for the train. If I would answer you, then when we get on the train you will most likely come and sit next to me. Then you will probably start a conversation and while we are talking I may invite you to my house for Shabbat. When you come to dinner, you will meet my daughter and I’m sure you will like her. You may eventually want to marry her.”
“And what would be wrong with that?” Yankel demanded.
“To be honest with you,” the man replied, “why would I want a son-in-law who can’t afford a watch?”
Dalia H.
Leading American Technology
Back in the 1960s, when NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that standard ink based pens were unreliable in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA set up a task force of scientists at six top university research centers around the country, who spent a decade and $26 million to develop a pen that can write equally well in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 220 degrees. The Russians, faced with the same technical challenge to space travel, just used a pencil.
Raymond J.
My Career Search
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it… so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it… mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life…. but I just didn’t have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
I finally got a job as a historian… until I realized there was no future in it.
So I retired.
Morris M.
Always Be Prepared
After a rash of accidents in Florida where cars skidded into canals, Mrs. Stevens was worried that this might happen to her. So she asked her 20-year-old son Brian to buy a tool that could break the car windows in case the vehicle ever went underwater.
“It’s good to be prepared,” she mentioned to her son when he gave her the device.
While driving his mother’s car the next day, Brian called his mother, “Mom, where’s the tool I bought, did you have a chance to put in the car?”
“I sure did,” his mother replied, “It’s in the trunk next to the spare tire.”
A.C.
What Daddy Does
Richie: “Hey Tommy, what does your daddy do for a living?”
Tommy: “My daddy’s an accountant and he works from home.”
Richie: “That’s cool.”
Tommy: “What does your daddy do?”
Richie: “My daddy’s a Congressman in Washington.”
Tommy: “Honest?”
Richie: “No, just the regular kind.”
Michael L.
It Was an Accident
Joe was getting into his car when he noticed a dent. He then looked up and saw a note on the windshield with the phone number of the driver who caused the damage.
Joe called and the woman profusely apologized for the incident. “I feel terrible,” she said. “I accidentally hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot.”
“Please don’t worry,” Joe said. “I’m sure our insurance companies will take care of everything.”
“Thank you so much for understanding,” she said. “You’re so much nicer then the man that I hit on the way out.”
Jack V. Grazi
A Private’s Pitch
Impressed by how well Private Jones was getting recruits to sign up for GI Insurance, the captain listened in on his sales pitch.
“If you have insurance and are killed in battle, the government pays $50,000 to your beneficiaries,” Jones explained. “If you don’t have insurance and get killed, the government pays nothing. Now,” he concluded, “who do you think gets sent into battle first?”
Which is the odd word out in each of these sets of five words? Four of the words all have something in common that the fifth one doesn’t.
1. Elephant, Rabbit, Mouse, Turtle, Dog
2. Red, Yellow, Orange, Violet, Indigo
3. Six, Nine, Twelve, Twenty, Thirty
4. Gym, Myth, Rhythm, Cry, Oxygen
Last Month’s Riddle: Bike Repair
If four people can repair four bicycles in four hours, how many bicycles can eight people repair in eight hours?
SOLUTION: 16 bicycles.
Solved by: Kiko, Joseph Betesh, Yitzchak Saieda, Haim S., Joshua H., The Shmulster, and Big Mike.
JUNIOR RIDDLE: Coin Challenge SUBMITTED BY: Nathan D.
In the United States, there are four coins that people use on a regular basis: the penny (1 cent), the nickel (5 cents), the dime (ten cents) and the quarter (25 cents). Assuming you have as many of each of these coins as you need, what is the minimum number of coins you need to make up a total of 88 cents?
Last Month’s Junior Riddle: Family Outing
Two mothers and two daughters went out to eat. Everyone ate one burger, yet only three burgers were eaten in all. How is this possible?
SOLUTION: They were a grandmother, mother, and daughter.
Solved by: Haim S., The Dweck Family, Ruth M., The Shmulster, and Big Mike.
As a Yeshivah of Flatbush graduate, I was thrilled to interview an alumna who studied at Flatbush from pre-K through high school, who now plays an integral role at the high school in providing a safe, confidential space in which students can share, gain support, and develop skills to cope with their school experiences.
Please meet Etty Ballas Mizrahi, the Director of Guidance at Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School.
The Guidance Department imparts a significant function during typical times, helping students “thrive academically, personally and socially.” You can imagine how critical the Guidance Department’s work became when COVID-19 hit NYC.
Before we dive into Etty’s current role, let’s step back to take a look at her journey from student to adulthood.
The Early Years
Etty Ballas, born in Queens, moved to Brooklyn when she was a little girl. She has a brother and sister and is the oldest of the three. Etty’s parents were inspiring role models who championed her both emotionally and academically. Mayer Ballas, Etty’s father, emigrated from Syria as an adult after attending medical school in Syria. Dr. Ballas worked hard to bring Syrian Jews to the United States so that they, too, could earn a living and learn Torah freely. Etty describes her mother Rachel lovingly as a person who is always present for family and would do anything to help others.
“As a child and teenager, I enjoyed school greatly and worked hard – the pressure to do well came from within.”
Mom and Dad were on board with Etty’s decision to apply early to Columbia University. Her father inquired about her goals. Etty considered following in her father’s footsteps and studying medicine. Etty was grateful that her parents were so supportive and allowed her to dorm and enjoy the total college experience.
Etty met Raymond (“Ray”) Mizrahi in her senior year of high school. Ray, two years older than Etty, was a Yeshivah of Flatbush alumnus. They married in 2003 and it was Ray’s encouragement and constant support every step of the way that enabled Etty to pursue graduate school and her career goals.
The Mizrahi’s have been married for 17 years and have five children ranging in age from two to thirteen. Ray works in the fine foods business and is a devoted partner and father. The Mizrahis are glad that all their kids attend Flatbush. Their 13-year-old son will be entering high school this year.
Academics and Career
Back to Etty’s Columbia days. She thought about pre-med studies but then realized how much she loved psychology and working with children. During college, Etty was a second grade assistant teacher at Flatbush and enjoyed the kids tremendously. That position confirmed her desire to work with children one-on-one. Etty applied to Brooklyn College for a master’s degree in school psychology and returned to Flatbush for an internship in the Middle Division when she was expecting her first child.
After completing her master’s degree, Etty was hired as a school psychologist at Barkai Yeshivah.
“I loved my experience at Barkai. Three months into my job, I was chatting with a friend about pursuing a doctorate degree and she said, ‘Etty, instead of talking about it, go for it!’”
Etty felt torn. Things were going well at Barkai, yet the Pace University doctoral program in school-clinical child psychology called to her. Etty wanted the flexibility and opportunity afforded by a doctorate, and she wanted to follow her passion for learning. After consulting with others in the field (who later became her mentors), Etty took the leap and applied.
Etty entered Pace’s Psy.D school-clinical child psychology program with one child at home and one on the way. As a student therapist, she saw clients and attended classes during the day and made every available hour productive. Family time, however, particularly during Shabbat, was sacred to her. That January, Etty gave birth to her second child. She was back in her statistics class a week later.
In her third year at Pace, Etty received an externship at Kings County Hospital. She landed a full-time internship at NYU’s Rusk Institute during her fourth year. She completed a fellowship at NYU’s pediatric cancer center following her graduation from Pace in 2012. She was exhilarated about her clinical training at NYU. Etty gave birth to her third child shortly after beginning her fellowship.
Returning to Flatbush
As fate would have it, Etty saw a Guidance Director position advertised at Flatbush High School. She was interviewed by her former high school principals and received a job offer for the position that had been previously held by one of her mentors.
One of Etty’s much-loved parts of her job is working directly with students, but she is glad that she gets to apply her clinical skills and training in so many ways, and finds her role and responsibilities fulfilling and challenging!
Etty’s Special Essence
Etty was modest when asked her to describe herself. “I do the best I can at whatever I do and try to give my all. I care about people and try to be there for those I am close to, including family, friends, colleagues, and students. I prefer to be a giver but I am learning to accept help from others.” While I observed that she was driven, Etty described herself using the softer term “motivated.”
Being “present” and “genuine” are Etty’s priorities. Since I am a life coach, these attributes touched me, as they both require an individual to really listen. Being present means giving your time, energy, and attention, and showing up without inserting a personal agenda.
Genuine people have the ability to really listen. They generally do not care so much about being liked and they share their real thoughts about life.
Miriam Wielgus, Etty’s colleague and the Jewish History Department Chair, portrayed Etty as extremely warm, empathetic, and special.
Flatbush Guidance
Etty is so proud of Flatbush’s unique guidance program. The Yeshivah believes that every student benefits from having their own personal advocate as they navigate their high school years. Each incoming freshman is assigned a guidance team member who stays with them throughout the four years. These relationships grow as the student advances through high school. “We look at each student as a whole person, with different abilities, talents, and perspectives and we support each one to achieve success and fulfillment.”
Her favorite aspects of the job? Number one is meeting one-on-one with students. That’s what initially drew Etty to psychology. Number two are her supervisory responsibilities. “I work with an amazing team of gems. We all have different backgrounds and skills, including school psychology, social work, and art therapy, but we all collaborate, cover for each other, and perform the same responsibilities. We work with our students, teachers, administrators, and parents to help our students have the best possible experience throughout high school. We work toward building students’ inner strength, character, and values in all that we do.”
The Guidance Department creates student and parent programming on topics affecting teenagers, such as relationships, substance use, and mental health issues. Etty and her team collaborate closely with Project SAFE teachers, who conduct weekly life skills discussion classes on all aspects of teen life.
The Juggling Act of a Working Mom
Elly admits that it is a daily challenge to balance work and family life and that she could not do it without Ray’s support. He even shops at Moisha’s for her! She also credits her wonderful nanny who has been with her since her oldest child was six weeks old.
Etty loves her work but her family is her prime accomplishment, “I love being a mom and love the stage I’m in with my children.”
Since her job is an all-consuming one, Etty structures her time carefully. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a full day before I walk into work!”
Her advice to working moms? “Do something for yourself every day and set boundaries as far as what you commit to.”
Etty spends her free time with family and friends. She loves outings to beaches and parks and greatly enjoys cooking, eating, reading, and attending lectures with friends.
COVID-19 Response
Dealing with the pandemic from a Guidance perspective was a huge undertaking. In-person learning ended with one day’s notice in March. Etty and her team communicated that they were there for students, parents, and teachers and provided resources for all of them. Students were engaged virtually, individually, and in groups. The team also used social media to convey uplifting messages to Yeshivah of Flatbush families.
The Guidance Department’s focus throughout the reopening process is on taking care of the mental health of the students, parents, and faculty and supporting families as they transition back to school.
Connect with Etty at emizrahi@flatbush.org.
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. Ellen works part-time as an entitlement specialist at Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).
The Torah is the blueprint for living a proper religious life. But in Parashat Noah, we find a much different kind of blueprint – the blueprint of Noah’s ark.
The Torah is surprisingly specific in telling us about this structure, which housed Noah, his wife, his sons, his daughters-in-law, and all the creatures while Gd destroyed the earth which had been corrupted. It finds it necessary to tell us its precise dimensions – that it was 300 amot (cubits) long, 50 amot wide, and 30 amot high.
Why do we need to know the ark’s dimensions? Would the story have been any different if it were 350 amot long, instead of 300?
Another curious detail is the fact that the floodwaters rose 15 amot above the mountains. This point, too, seems to be nothing more than a trivial statistic, which does not appear to enhance our understanding of the Flood, or of its message for our lives.
The first clue to uncovering the meaning of these figures is an observation made by the Keli Yakar (Rav Shlomo Efrayim Luntschitz, Prague, 1550-1619). He noted that throughout the story of the Flood, the number 15 is prominent. The surface area of the ark’s interior was 15,000 amot (300 X 50). The ark was 30 amot tall, but it had three different floors, such that each floor consisted of a space of 150,000 amot (300 X 50 X 10). As mentioned earlier, the water rose 15 amot over the mountaintops. And, the Torah mentions that after the rain stopped falling, the waters gradually receded over the course of 150 days. Once again, we find the number 15 being mentioned.
Marriage and the Shechinah
This enigma is solved for us by one of the great Kabbalists, Rav Natan Neta Spira (Poland, 1585-1633), in his famous work Megaleh Amukot, where he draws a fascinating connection between the story of the Flood and a famous passage in the Gemara relevant to our most sacred institution – marriage.
The Gemara (Sotah 17a) observes that the Hebrew words ish (man) and ishah (woman) are quite similar. Both consist of the letters alef and shin. The difference between these words is the third letter – the word ish contains the letter yod, and the word ishah contains the letter heh. When a husband and wife are loyally and devotedly bonded, then the yod of the word ish connects with the heh of ishah to form the Name of Gd, as yod and heh spell one of the divine Names. This signifies the blessing of the Shechinah, the Divine Presence, which rests among them.
But if the husband and wife are not bound together by mutual commitment, then the Shechinah departs the home. The yod and the heh leave, and only the letters alef and shin remain – which form the word esh – fire. Once the Shechinah departs, the home is consumed by the fire of strife and discord, Heaven forbid.
The generation of the Flood, the Megaleh Amukot writes, was plagued by immorality, by a complete breakdown of the bond of marriage, of the family. Husbands and wives were not loyal to one another.
And so the yod and the heh, the Divine Presence, departed from the world, leaving behind “esh.” Tradition teaches that the waters which flooded the earth were boiling. The earth was not just flooded, but burned. Once the yod and heh departed, and the “esh” it left behind consumed the earth.
This explains why the number 15 plays such a prominent role, and receives such emphasis, in the story of the Flood. The gematria (numerical value) of the letter yod is 10, and of heh is 5 – for a sum of 15. The Flood occurred because of the breakdown of marriage, because of the dissolution of the marital bond. This resulted in the Shechinah’s departure – represented by the number 15 – and the eruption of a destructive “fire,” in the form of the scalding floodwaters which consumed the earth.
The Faithfulness of the Dove
This explains a number of other mysteries that we encounter when reading the story of the Flood.
First, it explains why it was specifically a dove that Noah sent from the ark to determine whether the earth had dried and become once again inhabitable. Of all species in the world, Noah chose a dove. The reason, as some have explained, is that the dove is the symbol of marital fidelity. The Midrash (Shir Hashirim Rabbah) teaches that once a male and female dove mate, they never mate with anyone else. Noah understood that in order to rebuild the world following the Flood, mankind must commit itself to loyalty and devotion in marriage, symbolized by the dove. And so he chose specifically a dove as the creature that would deliver the message that the floodwaters had subsided, that the time had come to build a new, better society.
Additionally, this explains an otherwise peculiar word added by the Torah in describing the exiting of the ark. The Torah writes that Noah, his sons and daughters-in-law, and all the creatures left the ark “lemishpehotehem – by their families” (Beresheet 8:19). Life in the world was renewed with a firm commitment to build strong families. The world was destroyed because of the breakdown of the family; it needed to be rebuilt through a devotion to family, to loyalty and devotion.
Completing the Name
As we know, the letters yod and heh are only the first two letters of the Divine Name. The full Name consists also of another pair of letters – vav and heh.
We must wonder, then, how does a couple complete Gd’s Name? As we have seen, the marital bond brings together the yod and the heh. But what about the other two letters? How do a husband and wife complete the process of bringing the Shechinah into their homes and into their lives?
The Rabbis pointed to a number of aspects of the Jewish wedding as symbols of this process.
First, the groom gives the bride a small object of value – usually, of course, a ring – as an expression of his devotion. The hand has five fingers, and so the groom’s hand which gives the ring, and the bride’s hand which receives it, represent the two heh’s in the Name. The groom’s outstretched arm resembles the vav, and the small ring symbolizes the yod, the smallest letter. This act of giving completes the Name – because a husband and wife bring the Shechinah into their lives through giving, through self-sacrifice, by devoting themselves to one another.
There is also another way to complete the Name.
The Arizal (Rav Yitzhak Luria, 1534-1572) taught that a married couple completes the Name by begetting children. Halachah follows the view of Bet Hillel that although a couple should produce as many children as they can, the minimum requirement is fulfilled by begetting one boy and one girl. (It goes without saying that a couple’s obligation is to try to produce children; the success of these efforts, as we know, depends solely on Gd’s assistance.) In Kabbalistic teaching, the male is associated with the letter vav, and the female, with the letter heh. Thus, the bond between the husband and wife forms the first letters of Gd’s Name – the yod and heh – and their fulfillment of the command of procreation forms the final letters – the vav and the heh, thereby completing the Name.
The way we bring Gd’s presence into our lives, then, is through a commitment to family, through a marriage characterized by giving and kindness, and through begetting and raising children. When we build a strong family unit, the Shechinah resides among us in our homes, and we are then able to receive the countless blessings that the Divine Presence brings.
The Modern-Day “Flood”
After Noah and his family left the ark, Gd famously promised that He would never again destroy the earth, that He would instead patiently wait for us to correct our behavior without requiring the annihilation of the world as occurred in Noah’s time.
However, although Gd will never again bring a “flood,” mankind is capable of destroying itself, by repeating the mistake of the generation of the Flood.
Unfortunately, we see this happening in our time. The world is “flooded” by the breakdown of marriage and family. Many people today are not interested in entering into a committed relationship, and many couples who do are not interested in begetting children. And even among those who do marry and produce children, the endless distractions of modern life are disrupting family life. Couples are looking at their devices instead of talking to one another and nurturing their relationship. Parents and children spend time in front of screens instead of spending time with one another. People expend time and energy creating fake “relationships” on social media rather than building real, meaningful relationships within the family. And, of course, our society’s culture of immorality and permissiveness discourages the commitment between husband and wife which forms the bedrock of the family unit.
As this “deluge” of immorality floods the earth, let us, observant Jewry, build the “ark” that will save humanity from itself. Let us lead by example, by building beautiful, happy homes, by investing time in our spouses, in our children, and in our other family members – by taking our eyes off our screens and directing them towards the people we love. Let us show that true happiness, contentment, and fulfillment is achieved not through permissiveness and a lack of boundaries, but to the contrary, through the hard work and commitment required to build a beautiful, loving family.
Election Day is right around the corner and things are indeed different this time around.
For example, there are no stump speeches, no canvassing, and no live fundraisers during these Coronavirus times. It certainly makes candidates less accessible and puts a damper on our ability to get to know them as people, and to get a handle on just what they represent. And secondly, it is tough to assess which policies will be able to put into action if the COVID-19 lockdown continues.
What is also interesting is that former Vice-President Joe Biden, if elected, will be the oldest president sworn in, at 78 years old. President Donald Trump would swear in for a second term at age 74.
As might be expected, there are major differences between the two candidates on a variety of issues – with Republican Donald Trump running on his list of achievements, and Democrat Joe Biden running on the ideas he hopes to implement, if elected.
Let’s take a look at a few main issues voters are interested in.
ISRAEL
What you are probably very concerned about is where each candidate stands on Israel. Israel is not merely in our hearts and minds, nor just a place where we might have relatives. Israel for us is an ideological lodestone. In that regard, what a president says and does regarding Israel is a reflection of his moral compass – how he sees right and wrong. Let us look at President Obama’s voting against Israel at the UN and his backing of abstentions during anti-Israel resolutions. Contrast these moves with Trump’s backing of Israel with his pick of UN Ambassador Nikki Haley, who courageously stood up to the Security Council time and again, in defense of Israel.
President Trump negotiated the historic United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement.
Biden’s rhetoric and policy on Israel is not so different from what was seen under Obama. Biden positions himself as a fair and neutral party, who advocates a two state solution. Where he differs from Trump is that he plans to reinstate Palestinian aid. What they have in common is that both have denounced the use of the label of “occupation” to describe Israel’s presence in the West Bank.
Trump’s record on Israel and assisting the Jewish people is for many no less than legendary.
(L-R) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, President Donald Trump, Bahrain foreign minister Abdullatif al-Zayani, and UAE foreign minister Abdullah bin Zayed Al-Nahyan wave from the Truman Balcony at the White House after they participated in the signing of the historic peace deal last month.
Trump’s positions on Israel are widely known, and he is probably the president who has made more overtures to the Jewish people than any other president before him. Trump has worked closely with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and plans to continue doing so. Over the last three years Trump has shown unwavering support for the Israeli people and the Israeli government. He recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s rightful capital, and the Golan Heights as Israeli territory. Trump’s administration has made it clear that the lands east of the Green Line are not illegal – contrary to the Democrats’ position.
Trump has also made it clear that on his watch there will be no push for a two-state solution or an independent Palestinian state.
Though the New York Post in mid-September touted President Obama’s détente with Muslim nations as a crowning achievement worthy of his Nobel Peace Prize, Trump (at the time of this writing) has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for tangibly brokering agreements that never would have been imaginable six months ago. He has been a party to trade agreements between Israel and Middle Eastern countries that previously had no diplomatic relations with Israel.
For example, Trump helped arrange the Abraham Accords – the peace deal between Israel and the United Arab Emirates. Bahrain is next in line, reports say, and for the first time in history, Saudi Arabia has allowed Israeli planes to fly over their airspace. Other rumored peace deals (or accords) in the works are with Oman, Lebanon, Morocco, and Kuwait.
The Trump Administration withdrew from UNESCO to show that the United States would not stand for the organization’s anti-Israel bias, and withdrew from the UN Human Rights Council, citing “a chronic bias against Israel” and the human rights abuses of various sitting members (China and Venezuela, among them).
Of course, long ago Trump pulled out of the disastrous Iran deal signed under Obama, and it only took about a year into the president’s term before Israeli spies captured hundreds of tons of documents showing that the Iranians were still hard at work developing their nuclear weapons program. It might be difficult for Biden to justify how his superior made a wise move with that deal.
CLIMATE CHANGE
Another large election issue concerns climate change and energy policies. From Biden’s point of view, the planet is in imminent danger, and as such, he has made a promise to make climate change the heart of his energy policy as president. He has vowed to invest more than $2 trillion in green energy. Critics might be wary of the hefty price tag, as well as having questions as to how that sum is to be spent. By way of example, Obama poured $50 billion into three dozen burgeoning “green energy” companies – most of which were never built, none of which produced a single kilowatt of energy.
Trump is not really known for his climate change policies, and has said on numerous occasions that he does not think there was man-made climate change. He has, however, signed legislation that demonstrates his good stewardship of the environment.
Trump famously opted out of the Paris Accord, a plan in his view that would mean onerous economic and infrastructure changes on the United States, while giving a pass to some of the world’s biggest polluters. Instead, President Trump negotiated the historic United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement (USMCA), which contains the strongest environmental protections of any trade agreement in history.
The President signed the Save Our Seas Act to protect our environment from foreign nations that litter our oceans with garbage. And he signed the Great American Outdoors Act, securing the single largest investment in the nation’s National Parks and public lands in history. Trump designated 1.3 million new acres of wilderness and joined the One Trillion Trees initiative to plant more trees. And finally, he spent $38 billion for drinking water infrastructure improvement for Americans.
TAXES
Biden has talked about different tax policies he would like to see enacted, like repealing Tax Cuts and Jobs Act (TCJA), taxing capital gains at income tax rates, raising corporate income tax, and enacting increased payroll tax on income over $400,000. Trump supports the TCJA and has said he plans to lower income taxes even further, as well as extending more generous estate tax exemptions.
IMMIGRATION
Biden would reinstate DACA status for Dreamers. While he has a history of a talking tough on immigration, he has called Trump’s immigration approach “morally bankrupt” and would like to focus on the root causes of illegal immigration from other countries, including providing more foreign aid to countries with a large number of citizens wishing to immigrate to the United States. Biden continues to support the 2013 reform plan under Obama that never came to fruition. This plan includes a path to citizenship.
For his part, Trump has worked hard to limit illegal immigration into the United States, including immigration bans from certain countries. He has used Executive Orders to change asylum and deportation, as well as instituting a visa policy that is much more restrictive. The promise to build a border wall is still very much an issue for Trump, as he continues to boast that it is already underway. He supports merit-based immigration rather than family connection (chain migration) immigrations.
FOREIGN POLICY
Biden has served in the Senate Foreign Policy Committee for many years, which is seen as evidence of his knowledge of foreign policy. He sees himself as inheriting a very chaotic situation in regard to global stability. Biden’s goals are to return to normal relations with America’s allies, and to advance global aims in health and climate change. He says one of his priorities is to restore America’s image as a member of a global community.
Meanwhile, since taking office Trump’s focus in foreign policy has been an America First approach, aimed at showing America’s strength and supremacy. The aforementioned USMCA will encourage increased manufacturing in the U.S. and will allow workers and small businesses to flourish.
Trump has successfully influenced several nations to uphold their commitment to pay their share of NATO funding Prior to Trump’s intervention, these countries had not been making their promised payments.
Under Trump, several U.S. major military victories can be counted, including strikes against Syrian bases and eliminating some of the worst terrorists in the Middle East.
Islamic State’s Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed by U.S. forces, and so too his immediate successor, in a separate raid. (Baghdadi once controlled thousands of square miles of territory across the Middle East.) Later, a U.S. drone strike killed Qasem Soleimani, Commander of the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps’ elite Quds Force, in Baghdad.
ECONOMY
Biden has focused most of his economic policy around recovery from the economic downturn caused by COVID-19. That means he plans to focus on health and safety as a way to return the economy to pre-Covid numbers. Universal Healthcare is a key prong of his plan as well, seeing medical expenses and debt as serious roadblocks to economic freedom for Americans. Biden’s focus on climate change, immigration, education, and new infrastructure are also key components to his economic policy.
Trump’s America First philosophy carries over to economics, informing his trade negotiations and deals. He has cut and plans to continue to cut regulations and red tape for businesses, and has long supported bringing more manufacturing jobs home. Trump wants to cut government spending by way of eliminating waste and by reducing the number of federal employees, with the ultimate goal of creating more jobs.
CHINA
Biden has been criticized for an inconsistent and unarticulated strategy in regard to China and Chinese power gains. He does tend to agree that China has taken advantage of the U.S. in trade deals but believes that Trump’s tariffs are self-defeating. Biden proposes, instead, that the US utilize current trade deals. At the same time, he thinks Trump backed down too quickly to China in the wake of COVID-19 and critiqued his weak support of Hong Kong.
Trump rose to power on the rhetoric that he would be hard on China, and he has mostly done so. He has entered into trade wars with the Communist nation, ending special economic status, and has imposed sanctions for rights violations in Hong Kong.
The Trump administration blocked the state-backed Chinese phone company Huawei from operating in the U.S., and cracked down on China’s counterfeiting and technology theft. In response to China’s rampant trade cheating, the Trump Administration placed 25 percent tariffs on roughly $250 billion worth of products that are supported by China’s unfair industrial policies.
CRIMINAL JUSTICE
Biden, previously known as a law and order politician, has shifted his stance in the wake of the death of George Floyd at the hands of police in Minneapolis, and the nationwide protests that followed. Though Biden has not embraced the more progressive calls to defund police, he has agreed that funding should be based on departments meeting standards of decency. Biden has said that he believes there are systemic disparities in treatment of the accused and convicted based on race, income, and status.
The First Step Act passed with Trump’s support. It has contributed to thousands of inmates being released from prison for minor crimes, who are not a clear and present danger to society. This is the most comprehensive step to undo the damage of the Crime Bill under President Clinton, and the Mass Incarceration that started under President Nixon. Trump said he intends to take more action on these issues in his second term.
SCHOOL CHOICE
This issue is one of many dividing lines between the two candidates. In August, Trump said, “I’d love to see school choice” and “I’d love to see that be a big factor” in his second term. He also said, “In a second term, I will expand charter schools and provide school choice to every family in America.” He said school choice is “the civil rights issue of all time.”
He has to be careful though. While the annual federal funding for charter school expansion has risen by $100 million over the course of Trump’s term to $440 million, the annual budget for the U.S. Department of Education’s (that is, public schooling) has grown by $5 billion to total $73 billion, despite his pledge four years ago to shrink it.
Interestingly, the 2017 GOP tax overhaul signed by Trump changed rules for 529 savings plans, to permit them to be used for K-12 private school expenses, not just for postsecondary costs.
However, Biden is against sending public money to parochial K-12 schools through voucher programs, something that is supported by Trump.
Along party lines, Democrats in Congress have sought to cut the $440 million in aid for charter growth, and since about ten percent of school spending comes from DC, it is possible that the House, with a continued majority, could whittle down voucher funding.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, these are just nine of the many issues that are being discussed in this election cycle. Most, if not all, of these issues are relevant to our community as a whole. Certainly, they are topics on the minds of all voters who will cast their ballots this November. Ultimately, we want to be assured that our community’s values are represented in the White House. It is up to all of us to make an informed choice.
I’d like to share with you a great way to get more cooperation from children. This happens when we include our children in the rule making process. Now, don’t get scared. Even if we include them in the rule-making process, they do need to know that at the end of the day it’s the parents who set the rules. It’s the parents that make the decisions about whether something will or won’t be a rule in the house. That has to be very clear and we have to be super confident about it.
Your Children Do Want to Follow the House Rules
Before we speak about actually including children in the rule making process, let’s make sure that we’re really clear about our understanding that our children actually want to follow rules.
A lot of parents might say, It looks to me like my child doesn’t.
Let’s examine a universal truth about children – all children have a natural feeling of wanting to BELONG to their parents. There are only two ways to achieve that sense of belonging. You can either belong through disruption or you can belong through cooperation. And we want to believe that every child on the planet wants to belong though cooperation. The more we believe it, the more it actually happens. The way we think about our children is how they actually act.
Figuring It Out Together
So, with that being said, I had a discussion with my children aged seven, nine, and eleven- about what would be a good bedtime this year, with school starting. We pulled out a sleep chart to see how much sleep each child needs for their age. As we looked at the chart we mapped out our upcoming day. Our conversation went something like this:
Being a nine year old, you need a little less than 10 hours of sleep. Since Mommy will drive you to school this year, we’re going to leave at 8:20am. What time would you like to wake up?
My nine year old decided that 7:30am would be a good time to wake up, and we proceeded to figure out that if he were to wake up at 7:30am and his body needs approximately 10 hours of sleep that he needed to be sleeping by 9:30pm. That is when we worked our way to figure out what time each child should be in bed. Each of my children gave different answers. One child said that he could be in bed by 9:27pm because he falls asleep very quickly. Another child said that he likes to read before bed, so he’ll be in bed by 9:10pm to give himself some time to read and then fall asleep.
We came up with the rules together, which will now be posted in the hallway. These rules are now much easier for the kids to follow because they were part of the rule-making process.
Instilling Confidence
We need to show kids that we trust them and that we know that they can figure things out well. Giving our children a sense of My mom trusts me to make good choices, gives them the confidence to follow rules without worrying that we don’t think they are able to make decisions for themselves.
Ultimately, we decide if a rule is healthy or not. So if a child does come up with something that we know is not the right thing for him or her, we need to be super confident about saying, Nope! That’s not going to work. Give them the ability to figure it out themselves. They will be so proud, and so will you!
Have you tried this? Let me know! I love a good before and after!
