Growing up, we used to eat by my Nono and Nona (grandpa and grandma) almost every Friday night. My Nona is one of the best cooks I know! She always has a beautifully set table with the most delicious foods. One of my favorites (but it’s so hard to say that, because really everything she makes is my favorite) are her fish patties. It was such a treat when we saw it coming to the table. Last summer I asked my Nona to teach me in person how to make them. She made sure to measure out each ingredient for me so I can have the exact recipe. I’m happy to share it with all of you. It will definitely enhance your Shabbat meals! This recipe needs ground fish. You can either order it ground or Nona gave me an excellent idea to do if you can’t get the fish already ground.
Boil 3 lbs of flounder until fork tender. Drain the fish and mash. Add the ground fish to a bowl and add in:
3 eggs
1/2 a bunch of cilantro (I used parsley)
1.5 tsp cumin
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
6 tsp matzo meal
Sprinkle of paprika
Sprinkle of turmeric
8 cloves crushed garlic
Mix well and form into little logs.
Pan fry them and set aside
At this point you can freeze the fish and take out when needed. All you have to do is prepare the sauce. However, you can also freeze the fish in the sauce already. I’ve done it, and it stays fine! Now for the sauce:
5 cups of water
6 tbsp lemon juice
1 can of tomato paste
Sprinkle of crushed red pepper flakes
1 tsp cumin
1.5 tsp salt
Sprinkle of turmeric
Sprinkle of paprika
Bring to a boil and add in the fish logs.
Lower to a simmer for 35 minutes.
Recipe by Susan Zayat. For more recipes and ideas follow @Hungrymom on Instagram. Check out her amazing homemade spelt sourdough for sale!
Photo styled and photographed by Sarah Husney. Sarah Husney is a food photographer servicing NY & NJ. She has clients from the food businesses in the community upgrading their photos for Instagram and websites. She also takes photos for restaurants on UberEats, and is featured on Kosher.com for styling and photography. Contact info: 917 626 2991 / @sarahhusney_foodphoto.
The more we recognize how kind Hashem is, the happier we will be. Everything that happens to us is a manifestation of Hashem’s kindness, but we aren’t always capable of understanding how. But if we realize just how small we are in comparison to Hashem, how His plan for us and the world is so far beyond the limits of our understanding, we will be able to trust that everything He does is an act of kindness.
David HaMelech says (Tehillim 23:1) “Hashem is my shepherd, I lack nothing.” Rav Chaim of Volozhin explained that there are times when sheep want to run about freely to the neighboring hills and fields, but the shepherd comes with his rod and does not permit them to do so. The sheep might regard the shepherd as being malicious and cruel by restricting their movement, but this is not the case. The shepherd cares about his flocks, and he knows that there is plenty of grass and water where the sheep are now, whereas if they run for two hours over the hills, they will find themselves famished and thirsty in a place with nothing to eat or drink. He knows something that they do not, and thus although it seems to them that he is heartless, in truth he is extending his kindness to them. David HaMelech describes himself as a sheep shepherded by Hashem, Who knows how to care for us far better than we know how to care for ourselves, and therefore we always know that we are not lacking, that we have precisely what we need. David recognizes that Hashem makes him stay in the meadows, where there is “grass,” and does not let him run free to places where he would not have what he needs.
At other times, the sheep are tired and want to rest, but the shepherd forces them to move to a different location. Once again, it seems that he is bothering them and needlessly denying them the rest they crave. In truth, however, the shepherd knows that the sheep had depleted the water resources in their current locale, and they will soon be thirsty. He prods them to move in order to bring them to a place where they have the water they will need.
Later (ibid. 23:4) in this chapter David says, “Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for You are with me.” Since he realizes that Hashem is always caring for him as a shepherd cares for his flock, he has no reason to fear when the situation looks bleak, because he knows with certainty that Hashem is looking out for him.
A businessman told me that he had a long-standing account with a large chain store. The store had nine slots for the product that this businessman’s company supplied, and his company was given six of them. One day, the store hired a new buyer, and when the man met with the buyer to see what he would be ordering for the upcoming season, the buyer said he was not ordering anything. The man was stunned. He told the buyer that the company had been doing business with them for years, and the product always sold well. When the buyer couldn’t be persuaded, the man scheduled a dinner meeting with the buyer’s Supervisor. He respectfully inquired as to why for years the store had been purchasing $3 million in merchandise and now they’re not ordering anything. The Supervisor said he’d think it over, and he called back a few days later to say that they are not overturning the decision, in order not to challenge the new buyer. The man then contacted the president of the company, but to no avail.
He turned to Hashem and said, “I don’t understand. Why am I going from 3 million dollars to nothing?”
A few months later the news broke that this chain store – Caldor – was filing for bankruptcy and couldn’t pay off its debt to its suppliers. The businessman again turned to Hashem and said, “Now I understand. You didn’t take away $3 million – You saved me $3 million!
Even when the situation looks bleak – we have no reason to fear, for we know that Hashem is looking out for us.
No matter what the season, whether in the cold of winter or the heat of summer, hundreds of children – boys and girls – drop whatever they are doing and rush to partake of what Rabbi Maimon Elbaz is dishing out.
What are these delights streaming from this colorfully-attired melamed’s bag of tricks? Are they ice cream, cookies, or other delectables?
Actually, no.
They are “mussarschmoozes” (religious discourses). But tell anyone participating in his “Torah Shows” that that is what they are consuming, and they will look at you as if you descended from some strange faraway galaxy. “Mussar? Impossible! What Rabbi Elbaz is presenting is way too much fun for that.”
But that is, precisely, what it is – profound Torah insights cloaked in the most luscious wrappings.
“Seeing” What the Words are Saying
Take Rabbi Elbaz’s Shemitah Show as one example. Vibrantly colorful slides of lush fields and dripping fruit glide across the screen, accompanying Rabbi Elbaz’s engaging narrative as he takes his audience on a virtual tour of Israel as seen through the eyes of a farmer observing shemitah. But as the children soon learn, this presentation is not only about farmers living far away in a land few of them ever visited, but about themselves and their relationship to Hashem.
“During shemitah, Ican go into a stranger’s field and help myself to allthe fruits my family can eat for three days,” Rabbi Elbaz informs, his voice undulating with drama and meaning.
Then, a child, chosen previously from the audience, interrupts the rabbi’s monologue with questions that everyone is eager to ask.
“Three days?” this charming little voice chirps. “I’m going to take enough for my family for an entiremonth!”
“No,” the rabbi replies, his voice oozing with authority. “We are only allowed to take three days’ worth of food.”
Consider the lessons taught in this short exchange. These elated youngsters learn not only some laws of shemitah, but also about hesed (kindness) and emunah. We needn’t take more than our share because we need to understand that Hashem provides all our needs.
“By answering targeted questions that I know children ask themselves, and by doing it in a fun way,” Rabbi Elbaz says, “I help ensure that the children will remember the lessons taught much longer.”
Rabbi Elbaz tackles not only timely subjects like shemitah, but also “evergreen” topics such as geulah (redemption), Shabbat, Torah learning, gedoleh Yisrael (great Torah sages), and others – each one similarly developed as a labor of love.
The rabbi’s all-time favorite show is the one about the Amidah prayer, also known as the Shemonah Esreh. We recite this prayer three times a day, but do we concentrate on every one of the 18 berachot (blessings) as we should? More of us certainly will after experiencing Rabbi Elbaz’s slide show on this prayer. By watching his real-life photos of blessings that we often take for granted – freshwater, a happy family, the ability to hear – davening takes on more profound, immediate, and personal meaning.
“It’s not enough to only hear the words of the davening,” the rabbi explains. “My audiences ‘see’ what the words are saying. My goal is to make them feel a deeper connection to Hashem in a fun way. My audience – children and adults – is so immersed in the experience that they feel compelled to do the mitzvah.”
This master storyteller has created, over the last 30 years, 24 interactive and technologically laden Torah Shows aimed at bringing significant Torah lessons to his audiences. Rabbi Elbaz is also occasionally invited to entertain and inspire groups, and runs an ongoing Game Show of Q&A to challenge the minds of young and old. He has traveled to over 50 cities, visiting high schools, elementary schools, and shuls, presenting his meaningful Torah Shows Series.
A Master Educator Since Childhood
Most educators will tell you that in our age of technology and instant gratification, keeping students engaged is exceedingly difficult. But Rabbi Elbaz never found this to be the case. Even before his bar mitzvah, while living in Cleveland, Ohio, the young Maimon ran Pirchei, Agudath Israel’s youth group for boys, at the Telshe Yeshiva. As a precursor to his future success as a melamed, Maimon packed his Shabbat programs with captivating programs.
Camp Shaare Torah hosting a Torah Show in the summer.
Later, when running the canteen at Telshe Yeshiva and Camp Kol Torah, he added brain teasers to his repertoire in the form of Torah riddles to initiate conversations with the children on Torah, fear of Heaven, and other subjects. Those who solved these teasers received free pizza and popcorn. He also loved giving out goldfish to recruits.
“Sure, they enjoyed the chance to win a treat,” Rabbi Elbaz recalls, “but they were more pleased to realize that the Torah lessons they learned would profoundly impact their daily lives.”
Noting how children gravitated towards young Maimon (they called him “the Pied Piper,”) the Rosh Yeshiva of Telshe, Rav Mordechai Gifter, zt”l, predicted – accurately – that he would do great things in the world of hinuch (education).
Today, this proud father and grandfather is a fifth-grade rebbe at Yeshivat Ziv HaTorah, and an 11th-grade English Language Arts teacher at Yeshivat Kinyan Torah (YKT), reflecting his love of Torah and abundant artistic and creative abilities. Meanwhile, his extracurricular programs keep thousands of talmidim/fans engaging in Torah study and pursuing a meaningful relationship with Hashem. His classes are available on TorahAnytime.com/kids.
The Merging of Two Worlds
The journey Rabbi Elbaz traveled to arrive at his phenomenal success reflects his unique connection to both the Sephardic and Ashkenazi communities.
The rabbi grew up in a Sephardic home, but his schooling and friendships developed in a decidedly Ashkenaz environment – Telshe in Cleveland and Chicago, and Ner Yisroel in Baltimore. Then, in 1988, Rabbi Avraham Baddouch and Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg invited him and other Sephardic bochurim to Mexico City to help strengthen their growing Sephardic yeshiva, Emek.
Rabbi Elbaz recalls that he found, to his sheer delight, that the community there in Mexico City did not need help, but was in “turbo drive” in its pursuit of Torah knowledge.
“We came to provide hizuk [strengthening],” he says, “but we received more than we gave.”
The community’s impact on him was so substantial that he later looked to the Sephardim for a wife, and he married Malky Vicki Salem, the granddaughter of Hacham Sion and Victoria Maslaton, who encouraged the couple in their respective missions – for him, hinuch, and for his wife, hesed and shadchanut (matchmaking).
His stay in Mexico also pushed him to attend Yeshivat Mikdash Melech, a Sephardic yeshiva in Jerusalem, and he later joined Camp Shivtei Yisrael, an all-Sephardic sleepaway camp in Upstate NY where campers were immersed in a yeshiva environment for two months. He was particularly impressed by how patient the staff was with campers from families that were not religiously observant. He realized that this kind of awareness and sensitivity best reflected who he wanted to be.
SLC was one of the host shuls for the Children’s Torah Program.Lakewood Cheder boys mesmerized by Rabbi Elbaz.
“They Came Because They Felt Loved”
Putting this inspiration into action, Rabbi Elbaz opened the Children’s Torah Center, a father-and-son Shabbat program housed in the Ahi Ezer Torah Center. It later expanded to every second day of the week, and ran for 12 incredible years.
“It was not a babysitting service,” Rabbi Elbaz says, “but a real extracurricular enrichment program. We had a full-functioning minyan, speeches, and a Mishnayot program, all under the auspices of this wonderful shul.”
Reading the Torahific book of Questions & Riddles to eager children.
Some 100 children attended every program, and they were enamored. The atmosphere was magical. The rooms were replete with electronics, sporting goods, Torah tapes, and all kinds of exciting goodies that they could win.
The educational Wheel-of-Fortune that was used on Shabbatot at Young Ahi Ezer.
The program featured Rabbi Elbaz’ famous Torah riddles, over 3,000 of which he later compiled into his popular two-volume book titled Torahific, which he dedicated to his late parents, Rabbi Avraham and Esther Elbaz a”h. The riddles included questions like, “Where in the Torah is it hinted not to overeat candy, nosh, and sweets?”; “When does a ‘little’ equal ‘a lot,’ and sometimes even more?”; and, “When is hametz forbidden even when it’s not Pesach? And why?” These questions had children, fathers, and grandfathers scratching their heads.
“The program was dynamic, exciting, and well organized,” Rabbi Elbaz proudly recalls. “But more significantly, the children came because they felt loved. Whether a child had peyot or wore a necklace, we equally welcomed them to the program.”
The Center has since moved to Congregation Har Halevanon at 820 Ave. S, and runs every Sunday afternoon.
Books on the weekly parashah and Navi shortly followed. His latest volume, The Children’s Sefer Torah Encyclopedia, is a colorful compilation of information – culled from Torah, Midrash, and the Talmud – on making a Sefer Torah, replete with quality photos. He also produced an hour-long Torah Show on this subject.
Rabbi Elbaz says his books, Torah Shows and Shabbat/Sunday programs ultimately serve a greater purpose: to win over the hearts of his audiences, inspiring them to live a Torah lifestyle. “We keep telling our youth what not to watch, so we must create for them alternative materials. If they’re entertained and inspired, they won’t go searching outside the Torah community.”
But when it comes to keeping children engaged, he says, there is no great secret to it all.
“Children want to feel that their rebbe is sensitive to who they are, does not embarrass them, and praises them honestly.” All this comes naturally to Rabbi Elbaz, setting an example for all educators and parents to follow.
The story of Yosef and his brothers, the emotional culmination of which is read this month, ranks among the most famous and most dramatic stories told in the entire Tanach – but is also among the most difficult stories to understand.
Yosef’s brothers, seeing him as a threat to the family, did the unthinkable, selling him to passing merchants as a slave. The merchants brought Yosef to Egypt and sold him to an Egyptian nobleman. A miraculous sequence of events catapulted Yosef from the lowest depths to the greatest heights of wealth, power and prestige, as he became Egypt’s vizier, second only to Pharaoh. Having predicted seven years of surplus which would be followed by seven years of devastating shortage, Yosef was assigned the task to oversee the storage of grain during the seven surplus years, and then preside over the grain’s distribution and sale during the ensuing years of famine.
Back home in Eretz Yisrael, Yosef’s family was hit hard by the famine that struck the ancient world. Like many people in the region, Yosef’s brothers traveled to Egypt to purchase grain, and found themselves standing before the vizier – their brother, Yosef, who recognized them, but whom they did not recognize. Yosef’s only younger brother, Binyamin, remained home, as Yaakov wished to protect him.
Yosef’s conduct upon seeing his ten older brothers is the most puzzling part of this remarkable narrative.
Seemingly without any cause or reason, he accused them of coming to Egypt as spies. He ordered them to prove their innocence by returning to their homeland – while one of them remained in Egypt as “collateral” – and bringing their younger brother. Yaakov initially refused to allow Binyamin to travel to Egypt, but he finally relented after Yehuda announced that he would take personal responsibility for ensuring Binyamin’s safe return home. During the brothers’ second sojourn in Egypt, Yosef had his butler frame Binyamin by planting Yosef’s silver goblet in Binyamin’s luggage. Binyamin was then accused of theft, and Yosef demanded that Binyamin remain in Egypt as his slave.
Yehuda spoke up, pleading with Yosef to allow him – Yehuda – to remain in Binyamin’s place. He explained how Yaakov’s favorite wife – Rachel – had only two sons, one of whom (Yosef) was already gone. Yaakov would not survive the anguish of losing Binyamin, as well.
When Yehuda finished his plea, the Torah relates, “Velo yachol Yosef lehit’apek” – Yosef could no longer control himself, and he told the brothers who he was (Beresheet 45:1-2). He then instructed them to bring their father, their wives and their children to Egypt where he would support them throughout the remaining famine years.
What was Yosef doing? Clearly, a person as righteous as Yosef was not out to take revenge. So why did he insist that they bring Binyamin? Why did he then frame Binyamin as a thief? And, what was his plan which he failed to execute because of his loss of self-control?
Uprooting the Seeds of Fraternal Strife
The key to understanding Yosef’s mysterious conduct is recognizing the cosmic significance of mechirat Yosef (the sale of Yosef as a slave).
These events transpired during the incipient stages of Jewish history, when the spiritual foundations of Am Yisrael were being laid. The actions of our ancestors set into motion certain spiritual forces which would remain with their descendants until our day and beyond.
Seen from this perspective, mechirat Yosef was far more than a grievous offense committed by the brothers against Yosef. Its consequences were catastrophic. It planted within Am Yisrael the seeds of sin’at ahim – fraternal strife, baseless hatred. This event, we might say, altered the spiritual DNA of the Jewish Nation, plaguing us forever more with the scourge of jealousy and malice among our people. This was truly a catastrophe. Gd made a covenant with our nation so that we would show the world the highest standards of morality and sanctity, that we would set an inspiring example for others to emulate. This goal cannot possibly be realized when we are mired in ugly competitiveness, hostility, backstabbing, and hatred.
Upon seeing his brothers before him, Yosef seized the opportunity to achieve a tikkun – a rectification of the grave sin they had committed. His goal was to uproot the seeds of sin’at ahim before they could sprout and permanently plague our nation.
This idea is developed by the Or Ha’haim (Rav Haim Ben-Attar, 1696-1743), who explains on this basis why Yosef arranged that his brothers would be accused of theft. The brothers had “stolen” Yosef, essentially kidnapping him and then selling him as a slave, and they got away with it. They devised a ruse – dipping Yosef’s cloak in a goat’s blood and showing it to their father, to make it appears as though Yosef had been devoured by an animal. To rectify this sin, Yosef arranged that they would be caught stealing. They would experience the shame, embarrassment and horror of being discovered committing a crime, to atone for the crime they committed against him for which they were never charged.
However, the Or Ha’haim adds, there was also an additional element of the brothers’ process of rectification. The brothers had taken away from Yaakov one of the two sons borne by his beloved wife, Rachel. In order to rectify this sin, Yosef arranged that they would be in a position to do just the opposite – put themselves on the line for the other son of Rachel. Yosef wanted to see how they would react when he decided to keep Binyamin in Egypt and send them back to Yaakov without him – and they passed the test with flying colors. Yehuda, the leader of the brothers, offered himself in Binyamin’s place. This marked the polar opposite of mechirat Yosef: then, they drove away a son of Rachel, whereas now, they were willing to sacrifice everything so that a son of Rachel could return home to his father.
The Missing Link
The question that remains is what Yosef was planning to do before he broke down and revealed his identity to the brothers. After they had endured the humiliation of being charged with theft, and then showed their willingness to do everything possible to allow Binyamin to return home, what else was needed to complete the tikkun for the sale of Yosef?
The answer is provided by the Meshech Hochmah (Rav Meir Simcha Hakohen of Dvinsk, 1843-1926), who notes an oft-overlooked aspect of mechirat Yosef. As the brothers themselves recalled (Beresheet 42:21), Yosef pleaded with them not to carry out their scheme. As they threw him into a pit and then sold him, he begged them to desist, but they ignored his cries.
The brothers needed to endure that dreadful feeling of not being heard, of having their desperate pleas for help disregarded. Yosef’s plan was to ignore the brothers’ petition, to have them experience a cruel, cold-hearted response just as he had experienced when they sold him as a slave. His plan did not succeed, however, because Yehuda’s plea was so genuine and so emotional, as he described the pain Yaakov would suffer if Binyamin would not return, that Yosef simply could not continue. Thus, the tikkun remained incomplete.
We know all too well what the failure to complete this tikkun has meant. The plague of sin’at ahim has remained with us to this very day. The seeds planted by mechirat Yosef has produced unseemly weeds in the beautiful “garden” that is Am Yisrael. We have so much to be proud of, so many outstanding achievements to celebrate, but we remain, sadly, divided and beset by fights and controversies. We are all brothers, like Yaakov’s sons, but we, too, have a tendency to turn against one another instead of loving and embracing one another. And this has brought us so much suffering. The second Bet Hamikdash, as the Gemara famously teaches, was destroyed because of baseless hatred. The ten martyrs cruelly executed the Romans, according to the teachings of the Arizal, correspond to the ten brothers who sold Yosef, showing us that fraternal strife yields devastatingly tragic results even centuries later.
In light of what we have seen, we might say that the “missing link” in rectifying the sin of sin’at ahim is hearing our brother’s cry, even when we feel we have reason not to. The brothers felt justified in selling Yosef, who brought embarrassing information about them to their father. But despite everything, they should have, at very least, heard his cry. When a fellow Jew is in pain, then no matter who he is, we must hear his cries, disregard any differences between us or grudges we may have, and lend a helping hand like devoted brothers.
So many of our fellow Jews are crying. Illness, financial struggles, mental health issues, addictions, family discord, broken homes, rebellious children – we have countless brothers and sisters who are crying for help. Perhaps one takeaway from the story of Yosef is that we mustn’t ignore the cry of any Jew, regardless of which “camp” he or she belongs to, regardless of how he or she votes, and regardless of his or her opinions on the “hot button” issues of the day. There are many different kinds of Jews – but we are all brothers, and we must treat each other as such.
May our generation be the one that achieves the final tikkun to the sin of mechirat Yosef, that once and for all eliminates the ill of sin’at hinam that has afflicted our people for millennia, so our generation will be the one to greet Mashiah in the gates of the rebuilt Bet Hamikdash, with love and unity, amen.
We all know how important it is to model good values to our children.
This month we will take a look at three specific healthy behaviors that we would like to model.
Being Responsible
Being responsible is staying true to our word.
Imagine that you tell your daughter that you are planning to pick up a certain specific pink birthday cake that she really wants for her birthday celebration tonight.
While she is in school, you get a call that your grandmother is in the hospital. You need to go visit her. As much as you want to keep your word to your daughter, you know that visiting your grandmother is the right thing to choose.
When your daughter comes home and starts crying that you did not get the birthday cake for her, you can still show your commitment to being responsible. You can say, “I feel terrible, I got a call from Grandma asking me to come to the hospital. I knew it was the right thing to do. I needed to go visit her. This is how I’m planning to make it up to you….” And you can do something else in lieu of the cake that is cute, or fun, or creative.
We do not want our children to come back to us and say, “But you said you would, and you have to….” That would not be respectful. We just want to model for them that we, on our own, are thinking of how to stay true to our word.
Being Kind and Caring
We want to model to our children that we care about people’s feelings. We care about meeting people’s needs and we are warm and compassionate people. We cannot expect our children to be kind to siblings and friends unless they see that we live by that core value.
Accepting Life on Life’s Terms
This one is hard. We want to model accepting life on life’s terms. That means we recognize that in life there are two categories of events: a) the things that we can control, and b) the things that we cannot control. Of course we want to teach our children that they should put a lot of energy into what they can control. This should not be done with negative emotional energy, but rather with positive energy directed at making good choices.
Then there are all the things that we cannot control in our lives. There are certain parts of our health that we can control, and certain parts that we cannot control. There are certain parts of our relationships that we can control and there are the other people’s opinions, ideas, behaviors, and moods that we cannot control.
We want to show our children that we are accepting life on life’s terms. We are completely accepting of the things in our lives we are not able to control, and we are not fighting them. We do having feelings about them – we may feel sad, but we know that our sadness is okay. We recognize that this is what life is delivering me right now, and I am 100 percent okay 100 percent of the time.
If they see you going about your life that way, they are much more likely to deal with disappointments in the same way. If, for example, when you cannot find a parking spot, your children see you get all agitated and yell at them, they might be thinking that it’s right to only be in a good mood if things go your way. But if when you cannot find a parking spot, you say, “Okay, well this is frustrating,” and you continue looking they will see that you are accepting this challenge even if, say, you have an appointment to get to. From this they will learn that disappointments are okay. We feel and honor our feelings, and then we are 100 percent okay.
There are so many more values that we want to be modeling, so stay tuned for Part Two next month.
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In the Midrash (Beresheet Rabbah 68:4), we are privy to a conversation between Rabbi Yossi ben Halafta, one of the sages of the Mishnah, and an unnamed Roman woman of rank. During this exchange, Rabbi Yossi attested that ever since Gd created the world, He has been occupied with shidduchim, making matches. The Mishnah’s reference, and the most common understanding of a “shidduch,” conjures up images of brides and grooms, weddings, and the long-awaited happiness of finding a zivug, or “match.”
While single men and women await their life partner with excitement, trepidation, and at times impatience, there are others waiting for a life-saving “match” in the form of a kidney donor.
Here, too, Hashem is the ultimate matchmaker, in this case matching not a bride and groom, but an altruistic kidney donor and an anxious recipient. This shidduch brings together two complete strangers, who miraculously, with undeniable intervention by the ultimate matchmaker, cross paths in a way that alters both their lives.
“Find Someone Who Can Use My Kidney”
Emily Volz has always been aware of the lifesaving gifts that we have inside our bodies that we need to share. From a very young age, she was a conscientious blood donor and signed onto the bone marrow registry. Registering to become a live organ donor, she says, “just felt like the obvious right thing to do. I have always been aware that tissue and organs are needed for people to survive.” Emily believes that her awareness and sensitivity to this need can be attributed to her having lost her father when she was just seven years old.
So last July, in the midst of the Covid spikes and plateaus, Emily underwent the process to gain approval to become a kidney donor. Once she was approved, she was matched with a few transplant hopefuls, but timing and various health issues prevented a transplant from taking place. Then, in December 2020, a definitive match was made. After further testing to ensure the health and safety of both the donor and recipient, a transplant was scheduled. But unfortunately, at the last moment the designated recipient was not well enough to undergo a transplant.
Emily recalls feeling “a bit frustrated, especially since I was going back to Israel at the start of the next school year. But I knew that whoever was supposed to have my kidney would have it. I trusted that it was going to work out well, and I told the doctors, ‘Find someone who can use my kidney before I leave’.”
The Gift of a Better Life
For three years, Elizabeth Yedid Hinden was dealing with the daunting challenges of kidney failure and dependence on dialysis to flush toxins out of her body so she could stay alive. As she describes it: “On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I would get up at 3am, and be picked up at 5:45am to go into the city where I spent four-and-a-half hours tethered to a machine. I would get home exhausted and fall into bed. On the days I wasn’t having dialysis, I was recovering from the procedure. Dialysis stole all my time and energy, and I became a slave to dialysis.” Her only hope for a fuller, richer life was a kidney transplant.
Rabbi Dweck with his surgeon Dr. Goldstein Hackensack at Memorial Hospital before his surgery.Rabbi Dwek getting a beracha before his surgery from his donor’s husband (who is also a kidney donor).
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, there are over 90,000 people waiting for a kidney transplant, with another person being added to the list every nine minutes. The grim news is that 17 people die each day waiting for that lifesaving organ. AJ Gindi, community advocate at Renewal – an organization that matches organ donors with patients – and a kidney donor himself, adds: “There are 14-16 cases of people in our community who are in need of a kidney, and the best odds of them finding a match is from someone within our community.”
Liz understood that the odds of her getting a kidney, with an average wait of 7-9 years, were slim, unless she got up and proactively searched for a donor.
“I was tenacious,” she said. “I contacted every hospital, every organization. And even after being rejected by several hospitals, I kept on trying. And I prayed – a lot.”
Liz’s family, with the help of Renewal, organized a kidney awareness event for the family, friends and the community. Eighty people attended, and many agreed to be “swabbed” to be tested for possible matching to Liz.
Although Liz was and is so grateful for everyone’s efforts, no match was found at that event, and she continued to wait. Then, on July 27, 2021, at 2:30pm, Liz got the life-changing phone call from NY Presbyterian Weill-Cornell telling her that a potential match had been found for her, and that she needed to be in the city the following day for further testing.
Emily received a similar phone call from her hospital telling her that there was another potential match for her kidney, and off she went for further testing. The next obstacle she faced was a series of negotiations between the two hospitals. Usually, when a transplant occurs, both the recipient and the donor are at the same hospital. In this case, since only one hospital would collect a fee, intervention and negotiations from Renewal were needed to make it happen.
On August 25, 2021, a full year after Emily registered to become a donor, and three years after Liz began dialysis, the long-awaited transplant took place.
Because they were not in the same hospital, the two women met over FaceTime right before the surgery. “I remember asking Emily, ‘Why are you doing this? It is so good of you!’ Emily’s response was: ‘It’s the right thing to do’.”
After a week in the hospital, Liz returned home to recover.
“The transplant has completely changed my life. I went from having all my time dedicated to my health and finding a donor, to enjoying and pursuing the things I love. I have been wearing a bracelet that says ‘blessed’ and that is how I truly feel – blessed and grateful.”
That is another thing she and Emily share. “I feel truly blessed and honored – blessed to be healthy, and honored that I have been able to give someone the gift of a better life.”
Rock-Climbing After Donating a Kidney
The idea of donating a kidney to a total stranger is something which few of us have entertained. A cup of sugar, no problem. My car – maybe, if you have your own insurance and fill it with gas when you’re done. But body parts…umm, not so fast.
One reason for the widespread hesitancy is the lack of knowledge about the nature of kidney donation. AJ Gindi, as a representative of Renewal, spends much of his time educating the public. “The donor process begins with a swab test. The swab will give us quite a bit of information about the potential donor. It will tell us his blood type, his HLA type, and other details which will give us an idea of whether or not he is a match for a recipient.” Extensive medical tests follow to assess if you are healthy enough to donate a kidney. “Because the health and wellbeing of the donor is paramount, they will undergo extensive medical testing to ensure that they will be in perfect health after the donation. Most donors will be in the hospital for 2-3 days, and within three weeks are back to full physical strength.” Emily shared that she went rock climbing just one month after she donated her kidney.
Transplants take place around the schedule of the donor, and the donor is fully reimbursed for expenses incurred, including lost wages. At all times, the donor “owns” his or her kidney and can choose to donate anonymously or become a “directed donor” through an event for a specific recipient. The fact that only 30 percent of the people that sign up to be donors actually qualify to donate underscores the tremendous need for volunteers.
AJ Gindi, community advocate at Renewal.
Gd’s Hand in Kidney “Matchmaking”
Rabbi Yitzhak Dwek, a recent recipient of a kidney transplant, sees kidney donation as a holy endeavor. “Hashem, our creator, is the ultimate giver,” the rabbi says. “A person who gives of himself so selflessly, giving another person the chance for a better life… is tremendously holy.”
When I spoke to the rabbi, I shared my thought that Hashem is hard at work not only making marriages, but matches for kidney transplants, as well. He wholeheartedly agreed, and told me his story as further corroboration that these shidduchim happen with Gd’s clearly discernible assistance.
As a single woman, the donor babysat for Rabbi Shimon and Rebbetzin Russel’s children. Before her wedding, she asked Rabbi Russel to meet her fiancé and give his approval. The rabbi confirmed that he was a fine young man, and they married. Fast forward many years…Rebbetzin Russel is in need of a kidney transplant, and the donor approaches Renewal to be tested as a possible match. Although she was not a match, her husband was so inspired by her willingness to donate her kidney, that he also did the swab test and was a match!! The rebbetzin received her life-saving kidney from him.
Fast forward another several years…and Rabbi Dwek is now in need of a kidney after a debilitating bout of Covid. A community event, with over 500 people attending, was held to find a donor for the rabbi, but no match was found. However, Renewal has a database of past volunteers, and found that the donor who was not a match for Rebbetzin Russel was, in fact, a match for Rabbi Dwek. So her kidney, which she intended for Rebbetzin Russel, who subsequently received her husband’s kidney, went to Rabbi Dwek!
But wait…there’s more! When the rabbi and the donor met, they discovered that she was a childhood friend of his daughter’s, and had been in their home many times!
I don’t know how you express your profound amazement at the events I just described, but I know I have broken the rules of writing by overusing exclamation points… It is the only way I know, as a writer, to convey my excitement at witnessing Hashem’s benevolence at work. There is no denying that the Supreme Matchmaker, Hashem, who actually performed the first transplant when he removed Adam’s rib and created Havah, is present and arranging the needs of His beloved people.
“I Never Felt Alone”
Rabbi Dwek expresses his enormous hakarat hatov (gratitude) for the extraordinary communal support system that was at work throughout this process, to all those who have been praying for him daily, and to each of the 500 people who came to be tested as potential donors on his behalf.
“I always knew that our community is great. Throughout the whole ordeal, I never felt alone. I had Hashem and the community behind me. Our hesed and charity is amazing. But donating a life-saving organ is on a whole other level.”
Liz also expresses her heartfelt gratitude, not only to Hashem and Emily, but to the hospital staff and nephrologist Dr. John Lee, who monitor her recovery on a monthly basis. “I am grateful to have so much time on my hands, to pursue the things I love, like teaching art to the seniors at DSN and SBH. I am happy and excited to be able to give back, especially to the seniors. They need something to do, too.”
These miraculous, happy endings are but two of the many stories of selfless giving and grateful receiving. Emily Volz speaks from the heart when she says, “I believe anyone with the gift of health can think of someone else on the other end who is relying on the kindness of a stranger to save their life. And although it may seem scary, we are sharing a tremendous gift.”
Although it is clear that Hashem’s divine intervention is at work in these “matches,” the process begins with us. For more information about becoming a donor, or if you know of someone suffering from kidney failure, please contact our Renewal community Advocate, AJ Gindi, at 732-996-4040. That phone call could very well end up saving a life.
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.” She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” “Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”
Sally F.
Chicken Little
Emma, the teacher, is reading her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma gets to the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So, Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”
Emma then asks her class, “And what do you think the farmer said then?”
Little Maxie raises his hand. “I don’t know what the farmer said. But I would have said, ‘I can’t believe it! A talking chicken!’”
Joe B.
Gym Membership
Saul Epstein joins a local gym in Jerusalem called “Dudu’s.” He can never find the time to go, but when he gets a letter in the mail saying that Dudu’s will cancel his membership unless he renews, he rushes down to make a payment.
When he arrives, his speaks to the gym’s owner, Dudu, and says half-jokingly, “So be honest with me, do you have a name for guys like me who join and never show up?”
“Yes,” says Dudu. “Profit.”
Eli M.
New Father
Sam picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam try his hand at changing a diaper.
“I’m busy,” he said. “I promise I’ll do the next one.”
The next time soon came around, so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, “I didn’t mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby.”
Danny S.
Yiddish Waiter
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else would hear and said… “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
Ronnie L.
Raise Request
Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, “My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled.”
Paul’s boss replies, “Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you.”
Carol A.
Note Worthy
Little Mikey was having a tough time adjusting to first grade. At least twice a week, his parents would receive a note from his teacher outlining his latest infractions.
Finally, his parents sat him down and said, “Mikey, we’ve had enough! We don’t want any more notes from your teacher!”
Mikey replied, “Alright. Do you guys want to tell her or should I?”
Frieda C.
First Week of School
It’s Friday afternoon and Miriam picks up her five-year-old daughter Esther at the end of her first week at primary school. When they get home, Miriam asks Esther, “Well, darling, how was your first week at your lovely new school? Was it as nice as Mommy told you it would be?”
“No, Mommy,” replies little Esther, looking very serious. “No it was not!”
“Oh, my poor wonderful darling,” says Miriam sadly, “why didn’t you enjoy yourself?”
Little Esther replies, “Well Mommy, I think I’m just wasting my time going to school.”
“Why is this, my beautiful princess?” asks Miriam.
“Because, Mommy,” replies little Esther, “I can’t read or write at all. I’m afraid this school thing just isn’t for me.”
Sara R.
Tradition
A young Jewish mother is preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, “You know, I am not sure – this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let’s call Grandma and ask her.”
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why she always slices the ends off the brisket before roasting. The grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, “You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket.”
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. “You know when we make a brisket,” they explain, “we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?”
“I don’t know why you do it,” says the old woman, “but I never had a pan that was large enough to fit in the whole brisket!”
Janet K.
Bank Account
Moshe is sitting in his office one morning when his phone rings.
“Mr. Minkovsky,” says the caller, “my name is Peter Burton and I’m the manager of your bank. As you know, you hold your business account with us and I’m calling to inform you that at close of business yesterday, your account was overdrawn by nearly $600.”
“Thank you, mister bank manager for letting me know this,” replies Moshe. “Do you have access to my account statements for the last three months?”
“Yes, I have them in front of me,” replies the bank manager.
“So could you tell me what my account balance was at the end of each of the last three months?” asks Moshe.
“Yes, of course,” replies the bank manager. “Over the last three months, your account ended the month in credit by $789.26, $1,245.90, and $444.01.”
“So, nu, mister bank manager,” says Moshe, “did I phone you up on those occasions?”
Hi, Frieda here for another roundtable discussion. This month’s topic: Hanukah celebrations. Personally, I love this holiday, and I’m always so excited when it comes around.
This year, everyone is talking about the shortage of goods (especially if you’re an importer, like many men in the community). Will there be enough gifts for sale? Will the prices be as high as they say due to limited supply? Only time will tell. So let’s instead discuss family celebrations. I’m here to share with you some good memories and useful ideas.
In my family, Hanukah usually includes a secret grab bag – one for the kids, and another round for the young adults. Lots of food and donuts, both store-bought and homemade. My aunt fries donuts and sprinkles them with lots of powdered sugar. Another aunt, who’s been hosting for the past several years, likes to plan games to get everyone involved, both young and old. We all hang out and catch up, and it’s really something we look forward to. With everyone getting older, now married and having their own families, I don’t often see my first cousins. The young adults’ grab bag offers us the opportunity to give to each other, and it’s something I organize each year to keep us connected.
Last year, due to Covid, the party looked much different. In fact, to most, it hardly felt like a party at all, but an effort was made. My Aunt Terry, who usually hosts the party, decided not to cancel the event, but to instead make it virtual. She instructed everyone beforehand to pick up a special holiday treat from her house – a pack of holiday-themed cupcakes for each family. We were then given a Zoom login and a link to a trivia game. On the day of the party, my aunt happened to be here in Deal, so I invited her and her family to come play the trivia game at my place, and it was amazing. We ordered takeout and logged in on several computers at the scheduled time. The advantage of a virtual event was that we were joined by my uncle, aunt and cousins who moved to Israel about seven years ago, and who were able to join and play the game over Zoom.
The game was surprisingly entertaining and fun. My aunt’s family took the time to make a trivia question about each member of the family, such as, “What was the name of Uncle Albert’s office cat?” or, “How did so-and-so meet their spouse?” They were multiple choice questions, each with three silly options and one correct answer to choose from. It was also surprisingly bonding. We kept the grab bag for the kids and had them delivered to everyone’s house beforehand. The kids took turns (like we normally do), youngest to oldest, opening their gift on the live Zoom and thanking whoever sent it.
Yet, as nice as it was, I am very much looking forward to us being all together this coming holiday!
With my husband’s family, we changed it up a little. Years back, we used to do a grab bag, but with significant gifts. The spending limit was $50-$100, and people would sometimes make it known what they wanted to avoid the risk of getting a large gift they didn’t want. Last year, we weren’t feeling the high spending limit, so my sister-in-law did something fun: she collected $10 from each of us and bought small, general gifts. She wrapped and numbered them and laid them out on the table at our Hanukah party. When it was time to do gifts, everyone chose a number out of a hat that corresponded to a gift. She announced that trading was allowed, and as soon as we opened the gifts, some people clung to their gems, while others swapped. It was lots of fun. These gifts included a handheld milk frother, head massager, small box with a variety of Chapsticks, small colored plastic cats to be hung on wine glasses to tell them apart, and Poo Pourri (fancy bathroom spray). I still have no idea what this year’s party will look like, but I’m hoping to see everyone in person.
Now let’s turn our attention to some other community members, and see how they celebrate the holiday with their extended family.
Claire Chera
We’re all invited to a family member’s house, usually my aunt. We enjoy a family meal and hang out together. It’s so nice. We have a grab bag to exchange gifts, which is always lots of fun.
In recent years, my aunt has prepared games for us, which have been great. One year, we played Family Feud. My aunt questioned me in advance about my favorite foods, and she placed them on a board, hidden. Then she pinned my husband and my mother against each other in competition to see who could get the most correct answers. My mother won, of course! We all had a good laugh as more family members competed answering various silly questions about their spouses, parents, and cousins. In another game, the daughters were blindfolded and told to do their mothers’ makeup for two minutes. Whoever’s mom looked the best by vote, won!
Some of the other games were simpler, but just as fun, as they allowed the younger kids to get involved. One was separating M&M’s with a straw – whoever got the most blues out in the time allotted was the winner. For each game, my aunt had small gifts such as Amazon gift cards ready to hand to the winners!
Lorraine Shamah
My husband had the idea of instead of giving presents for all eight nights, we would do acts of kindness on one or two of the days of Hanukah. Last year, we bought presents and dropped them off to Sari Shamah (a community healthcare worker) who distributed them in the pediatric ward in Monmouth Hospital. The idea is to do an act of hesed in lieu of giving and receiving gifts. This gives us and our children the sense that it’s not all about getting, that giving can be just as rewarding, if not more so.
Raquel Vogel
Each of the eight nights, I make oily food with dinner, such as French fries or latkes, to make it feel special and yummy. Additionally, each child gets a small, inexpensive gift. I also decorate the inside of my home and put a bowl of chocolate gelt on the table to make the home feel festive. My husband likes to purchase donuts multiple times during the holiday, as well. All this helps us feel the spirit of the holiday all eight days!
Freda Levy
Each year, a different family member hosts our Hanukah party. We all cook and bring a dish (pot luck dinners make it easier on the hostess), and the rest of us help plan the entertainment. Sometimes we do real gifts, but other times we do cheaper gag gifts, which are fun. We have a good laugh as each of us takes turns opening our presents from a mystery sender.
Entertainment varies each year, but we always make sure to keep all ages excited and involved. Minute To Win It is the most popular game we’ve played. We choose simple games that can be played with household items, such as: who can pull the most tissues out of a tissue box with one hand behind their back in one minute; who can knock the most plastic cups down with a ball placed inside a stocking (also within one minute).
On the other nights of the holiday, I have my own traditions. I fry up some edge (Syrian latkes using various veggies in addition to potato) and distribute it to both sides of our family. We light the candles and sing and dance around the menorah. Next, we take out dreidels which we save from year to year, and we play for money, following the traditional dreidel rules. To keep it interesting, my husband decides in each round what price point to give the child who wins.
We don’t give “big-ticket” gifts every night. They get one nice gift for Hanukah, priced usually around $100, no more, and the other nights they’ll either get treats or small prizes. Donuts are typically one of the treats. Another night we’ll go to shul and they’ll hand out candy bags, like on Simhat Torah, that is their treat for that night. We like to teach the value of little things, not to afford too much significance to expensive gifts, so that we do not lose the meaning of the holiday in the materialism that may come with it.
Joy Ades
We like to play the traditional dreidel game as a family during the holiday. Instead of gelt or money, we play with M&Ms. Each year, we buy matching pajamas for the whole family. At our holiday party, a fun event is the pinata – but instead of filling it with candy, we fill it with Hanukah gelt and dreidels.
Leah Nachmani @dumbanddelish
One year, I invited all the small kids in my family over for a Hanukah celebration. I had the table decorated with gifts of various sizes as centerpieces. Each gift had the name of a child on it. I wrapped for each child one large, “good” gift that he or she would like, and I also wrapped some “bad” gag gifts to make them laugh, such as a pack of batteries or tea bags. We all got a kick out of seeing the reactions to the terrible things I decided to wrap and call gifts…
Jeanette Haddad
We do some standard things. For example, a few weeks before Hanukah, we put the names of all the family members in a hat and we each pick to determine whom we need to buy a gift for. We also get together and choose a spending limit. We really love this. I find it brings us together, as we give to someone in the family we might not have thought to buy a gift for.
At our holiday party, we have donut wars, an activity we all enjoy. My mother buys pre-made frozen dough balls and defrosts them in the morning. Then, instead of baking them like it says on the package, she fries them in a shallow baking pan until each side is golden and the middle is cooked through. Next, she prepares the filling and topping table. She puts syringes of Nutella, vanilla and chocolate icing, peanut butter sauce, custard, and jelly. She then puts out bowls of toppings, sprinkles of varying colors and shapes, all different kinds of chocolates like chocolate chips, heath chips, different colored icing in piping bags for drawing and writing, whipped cream, and cherries. She also puts on the table a pile of different serving platters and boards for the teams to choose from.
After everyone’s eaten the meal and it’s time for dessert, the bakers take their places at the decorating stations. Usually, there are four teams of two. They have ten minutes to decide what their plan is, and 25 minutes to execute it. The judges (four family members) make their decision based on taste, creativity and presentation, so the teams really have to focus if they want to win the prize. My mom buys a donut-shaped trophy, and it’s truly coveted. She also buys ribbons for the second and third place winners. Within the first ten minutes of the competition, the teams sit down with a notebook and draw out a plan of what it’ll look like and what it’ll be filled and topped with. When my mom blows a whistle, they are allowed to begin decorating. A second whistle blow means “hands down,” the competition has ended. The trays are brought to the judges one at a time, and one of the team members describes the vision and what they should be tasting. The judges have their cards and they mark from 1-10 on taste, 1-10 on presentation, and 1-10 on creativity. The spectators taste along with the judges, and some of them even fill out their own judging cards to see if they match up with the judges. The team who gets the most points combined from all the judges’ cards wins! My mom announces the winners from last place to first, and it’s always really exciting!
~~~
Wow!
I don’t know about you folks, but I’m super inspired to make this year’s party the best yet. Such awesome and creative ideas for bringing the family together in playful competition!
Wishing everyone has a happy and healthy holiday!
Enjoy!
Frieda Schweky
If this article inspires something great, I’d love to hear about it! You can email me Frieda@sephardic.org or write to me on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto.
Presented by Rabbi Hayim Asher Arking and Rabbi Ezra Ghodsi of Ohr Halacha
The misvah of menorah is an extremely beloved misvah (Rambam). In regard to all misvot, there is a standard way of performance and then an enhanced and more meticulous way. Being that Hanukah is so beloved, it has been unanimously accepted that the misvah is performed in a superior manner; that is we begin with a single candle on the first night, adding a candle each night, ultimately kindling eight lights in the final night. We hope that the following guide will enhance our superior performance.
When is the preferred time to light the menorah?
The proper time to light is close to nightfall, that is approximately twenty minutes after sunset (4:50pm in the NY/NJ area).1 The earlier on in the evening the better, so as to be within half hour of nightfall; otherwise, anytime thereafter while there are still passersby is fine. If no one will be home until very late, for example at 2am, when there are no people passing by, he may still light when he arrives at that late hour.2 He should try to have at least one other person up while he is lighting the menorah.3 If this is not an option he may light after plag hamincha, provided that there is enough oil to last half hour after nightfall.4
Can I eat before I light?
Once it reaches within a half hour of the time to light the menorah one should not sit down for a bread meal. However, if one already started his meal before that half hour, he may continue, though he can light during his meal.
Is it better for my wife to light on time before I come home, or wait until everyone is home?
Lighting on time is very important and one should not necessarily wait for the rest of the family; however this will depend on how late they will be home, if there will still be passersby, and who it is that we are waiting for. Today, we generally light the menorah indoors, therefore one can be more lenient to wait for the whole family up to a reasonable time that there will still be passersby.5
What if I lit Shabbat candles first?
Although one should first light the menorah and then light the Shabbat candles, if the wife mistakenly lit first, the husband may still light the menorah after the wife has lit the Shabbat candles. If the woman is the one lighting the menorah, and she lit the Shabbat candles first, lighting the menorah at this point will depend on if her custom is to accept Shabbat with the lighting of the candles or not.6
Where do I light?
The placement of the menorah is for public display of the miracles Hashem has done with us. Originally, the lighting would be outside, by the entrance to the courtyard or home. However, as we are in exile among other nations, it is recommended in most places to light inside and not incite our gentile neighbors. Although when lit inside, the menorah is primarily for the people inside the home, we light the menorah by the window so it is visible to the passersby.7
How high should I place my menorah?
The preferred height to place the fire of the candles is approximately between 10 inches and 32 inches high. The reason being that it should be noticeable that the light is for the purpose of Hanukah, and not to provide light for the household. For this reason, the menorah should be placed away from the place of the Shabbat candles. Should the menorah be visible only when placed on a higher window ledge, or if there are young children around, there is no problem with placing the menorah higher than the preferred height mentioned above.8
Who lights?
Unlike other misvot, like eating massah or shaking a lulav, where each person is required to perform the misvah individually, any one member ― man or woman over bar/bat misvah ― may light the menorah on behalf of the household. The reason why women are also obligated in this mitzvah, is because a woman played a significant role (Yehudit killed an important Greek general.)
Children under the age of bar/bat misvah may light any subsequent candles after the first candle is lit by an adult, providing that they have reached the age of chinuch, meaning that they have some understanding of the misvah.
Children younger than that may only light the shamosh candle.9
What should I do if I am a guest?
One may fulfill his obligation with his host. The guest should participate in the misvah by acquiring a partial ownership of the oil and wicks.10 For close family members visiting and sleeping over, the host is surely considering them to be included as part of the household, for regular guests however, it is preferable for the host to verbalize that he is giving the guest acquisition as a partial owner in the oil, wicks, etc.11
I have a child studying out of town in school, is he required to light himself?
Children who are still being supported by their parents and view their parents’ house as home, are still considered part of the household, even though they are temporarily not living in the house. Therefore, they can fulfill their obligation with their parents’ lighting. However, if one’s home is in America and he is in Israel, then at the time of lighting in Israel, no one can yet light in America. When it becomes nightfall in America it is usually past the time when there are passersby in the streets of Israel. Therefore, it is preferable for the student to light himself, and according to some, even with a beracha. If he would be in an earlier time zone, such as home in NY and studying in LA, then all hold he will not recite a beracha.12
How do I light?
Every Friday night in reading bameh madlikin, we recite a list of wicks and oils that are not suitable for Shabbat candles, either because they do not draw the oil well, causing flickering or because of their odor. For Hanukah, however, these wicks and oils may be used. The reason is that since the objective of Shabbat candles is to enjoy and benefit from their light, one may mistakenly adjust or tilt the candle for it to light better on Shabbat. However, Hanukah candles however, are not for our personal use and therefore, even if they do not light well, we have no concern that one may adjust the candles.13
Should I use candles or oil?
The miracle occurred through the flask of oil lasting eight days. Therefore, the preferred manner to perform this misvah is with oil; otherwise, candles are acceptable.14
Which side of the menorah do we start lighting from?
The setup of the candles is arranged so that on the first night the rightmost candle is on the right of the one lighting. On the second night, the second candle will be on the immediate left of the first candle. And so on ― every added candle is placed in the next left slot. The lighting will always begin with the newest added candle (increasingly left) so that when you actually light, your direction will bring you to move your hand toward the right. The reason to perform the lighting in a rightward direction is like all avodah ― service in the Bet Hamikdash where the setup of the service positions the Kohen to begin at a point where his direction during his avodah will subsequently turn toward the right.15
What if my candles went out?
It is proper to keep one’s hand lighting the flame until most of the wick is lit before proceeding to the next candle.16 Once the fire caught onto the wick properly, even if it went out within a half hour, one is not required to light again; however, it is preferable.17 The leftover oil or candle from it extinguishing prematurely can be used for the next night. Otherwise it will not be disposed of like regular garbage since it was dedicated for a misvah; therefore, it is burned, similar to leftover sacrifices.18
Can I light a match from my Hanukah candles?
If the lighting of the match is for the purpose of lighting another candle, the preferred way is to use the shamash candle to light a match or else to directly light from one wick/candle to the other. However, to light or relight the shamash or the lighting for any other purpose, one may not use the Hanukah candles.19
We do some standard things. For example, a few weeks before Hanukah, we put the names of all the family members in a hat and we each pick to determine whom we need to buy a gift for. We also get together and choose a spending limit. We really love this. I find it brings us together, as we give to someone in the family we might not have thought to buy a gift for.
