Last month, we explored the two halves of the brain: the emotional and logical hemispheres. The divide between them explains the common struggle that many of us have. We know we can say no to others’ requests, yet we find ourselves saying a begrudging “yes.” We know we should be open with our spouse, yet we’re not. We know it’s time to ask the boss for a raise, yet we continuously push it off.  

Why is that? 

Experiences Wire Our Brains 

Every experience that we encounter in our lives, from very early childhood, wires our brains, and dictates what we fear and what we don’t. This is why a child in America who encounters a rat is likely to shriek and jump sky high, yet a same-aged child in Africa would be more likely to pick it up and play with it. It’s not about if the threat is legitimate or not, but rather how we are conditioned to think about things.  

This concept also explains why someone who was chased by a vicious pit bull as a child will find that his automatic response to a dog is run as fast as you can, even when his adult logical brain says don’t be afraid of that little fluff ball. Logic will not override a strong emotionally recognized fear. 

Let’s take it a step further. A child who is constantly rejected or criticized for being his true self – why wear your hair so frizzy? You’re such a dork, who listens to music like that? If you study harder next time, you’ll get 100 instead of a 94! – will develop a belief that there is something wrong with him. He will remain on the defensive, and hide his true self under layers of what he believes will make others like him. He will likely overcompensate his behaviors, always aiming for perfection to avoid mistakes, driving fancy cars and dressing to kill, and avoiding being vulnerable and real to others, assuming people would never associate with him if they knew the real him. 

This is especially damaging for those who have experienced rejection, negativity, or abuse from one they respected and trusted implicitly – a parent, teacher, or authority figure – since they learn to hide their true selves even from those they should trust most, such as a spouse, rabbi, or good friend. These relationships, which are cultivated through openness and sincere vulnerability, suffer as a result of this behavior. 

Why Therapy Can Help 

In therapy, clients explore the thinking errors, fears, and responses that prevent them from living as their true selves and with peace of mind. Therapy clients discover their own value and learn to be real, vulnerable, honest, and to be themselves rather than who they believe others want them to be. They learn to identify cognitive distortions responsible for depression, anxiety, and other afflictions, such as dismissing positives (that wasn’t a genuine compliment), mind-reading (she’s saying that because she feels bad for me), black-and-white thinking (I’m a bad parent because I yelled), and “should” statements (I should really extend myself for hachnasat orchim). 

In exposure therapy people learn to overcome their phobias by approaching them slowly, in small doses. That’s essentially at the core of all therapy: pinpoint the phobia – I’m afraid my rabbi will judge me if I open up, I’m afraid my spouse will look down on me if I assert myself, I’m afraid I’ll lose my friends if I say no – and then face that fear. Say Shabbat Shalom to three people in shul. Cook something new. Have that uncomfortable conversation you’re avoiding.  

Once we identify the threat – real or perceived – we can empower ourselves to face the fear and banish it. When a child is terrified of monsters under the bed, it doesn’t help to reassure him  “there are no monsters” or “I’ll protect you, don’t worry.” Most helpful is to lift the mattress to show there’s no monster. A therapy client learns to confront fear and discover it was unfounded, realizing that there’s truly nothing to fear but fear itself. 

This type of therapy isn’t new. The Rambam advises chronic people-pleasers to davka not give tzedaka if you have a hard time saying no, fearing letting people down.  

Next month, we’ll discuss more how this works, as well as how this concept can be the biggest barrier in relationships, and how overcoming these barriers can bring relationships to a whole new level.  

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net 

Pnina Souid 

Sharon, a woman in her forties, reached out to the Mitzvah Man Foundation not knowing if they would be able to help her. 

“I’m a saleslady and am experiencing severe hearing loss. I cannot properly serve my customers because of my hearing issues! I am afraid of losing my job. The hearing loss is disrupting my life. However, I don’t want to take money from the organization. I will be happy with refurbished hearing aids and would be able to pay something for them.” 

The Mitzvah Man volunteer told Sharon that they usually do not provide hearing aids. However,  he would send out a text to all the volunteers with a request for refurbished hearing aids. One volunteer responded. He was sure that he would be the messenger to fulfill this mitzvah. “This must be a sign from Hashem!” he exclaimed. 

Hayim, the volunteer, explained that he has a business selling on the internet. He looks at various new items to sell but always tests them first. Recently Hayim evaluated hearing aids and was extremely impressed with their efficiency. Hayim recently ordered  hearing aids to sell. He would be more than happy to fulfill Sharon’s request for a brand-new pair of hearing aids free of charge, not refurbished.  

These hearing aids were certain to change Sharon’s life for the better. Sharon was overjoyed when she learned that she would get the hearing aids. Being able to hear well would give her a new lease on life.  

Unfortunately, Hayim’s business deal fell through, but others saw the post for refurbished hearing aids, and a pair of refurbished hearing aids was located. Baruch Hashem, Sharon was able to have her sense of hearing restored. 

A Second Call for Hearing Aids 

Another call came in in response to the original post.  

“My daughter Frieda is 16 years old. She is deaf in both ears. After a certain age, our insurance does not cover the cost of the hearing aids she so desperately needs. She wants to live a normal life, have friends, date, marry, and have a family! Instead, she is living in a world of silence. Is there something that you can do for her? Frieda requires specific, expensive hearing aids, $6,000, to be exact.” 

When the Mitzvah Man spoke to Frieda’s mother, he really did not know what he would do, but assured her that he would try his best. 

First, he turned to Hashem. Then he remembered that years ago one of his friends who was a regular donor had told him that if he ever needed a large donation, do not hesitate to call. The Mitzvah Man volunteers had put tefillin on this man’s ailing father, and the man wanted to do something special for the organization.  

Immediately, the Mitzvah Man picked up the phone to call his friend. “Joe, do you remember the time you told me to ask when I need a sizeable donation for one of our cases? We need $6,000 to buy special hearing aids for a 16-year-old girl.” 

“I’m in,” Joe answered. “Just tell me where to send the check!” 

Within a week Frieda had her hearing aids and a new life!  

The Mitzvah Man stated, “We often take our senses for granted. The sense of hearing, just like the sense of sight, helps us to be a part of the world around us, to be with family and friends, and to enjoy life cycle celebrations. Baruch Hashem, we were able to help this teenager who is so happy with a bright present, and B’ezrat Hashem an even brighter future. Tizkeh l’mitzvot to the donor of the hearing aids. He made a tremendous difference in another person’s life.” 

To most people, a hearing aid seems to be such a small item.  To Sharon and Frieda, however, a hearing aid means the world. 

Moshe Lagnado   

Like a rose amongst the thorns, such is my beloved amongst the daughters. 

King Solomon describes the Jewish nation as untarnished even though she dwells with the pagans. This description is also apropos for my father. 

My father, Edouard Lagnado, zt”l, grew up in Egypt in a traditional home. In 1958 his family fled Cairo. Fate directed my father and his young family to San Diego, California, where he would live for the rest of his life. 

San Diego is a beautiful city.  The weather is excellent and the residents are relaxed and friendly. If you are not Jewish, it is a wonderful place to raise a family. In 1960, the Orthodox synagogue did not have a mechitsa, used a microphone even on Shabbat and holidays, but used a traditional siddur. The city had no Jewish school or a kosher bakery. Despite these negative factors, my father decided to settle there. 

Many other Jewish families fell in love with the city and created for themselves a new life, but in doing so they sacrificed their attachment to Torah. My father held fast to his Judaism. He made sure that his children had a proper Jewish education. My sisters traveled to the east coast for high school. I was sent to yeshiva in Los Angeles at thirteen. This was unheard of in San Diego at the time. I can imagine the ridicule my parents endured for their decisions. My parents knew what was right, and the scorn of others would not deter them. 

The Tzadik of San Diego 

My parents determined that my bar mitzvah would not be celebrated in a Conservative synagogue so prayers were held in my aunt’s large family room. The reception was at a major hotel. The food was a beautiful fruit plate, prepared under the supervision of one of the Orthodox rabbis.  

My friends complimented the beautiful fruit plate wondering what the main course would be. I was embarrassed because I knew that was the main course. My shame was short-lived because one of the rabbis spoke about my parents’ commitment to Torah by having a gorgeous party that was 100 percent kosher. The rabbi said my bar mitzvah was a historic event, a first for the city of San Diego – a bar mitzvah that celebrated a young man’s entrance into Torah obligations with only kosher food!  

My siblings and I called my father “Pap,” friends called him “Eddie,” business associates, “Mr. Lagnado.” As time went on, what people called him started to change. In shul he was called “Hacham David,” younger congregants preferred, “Baba David.” I pondered what changed, so that my father was looked at as a holy man when I remember him as an unassuming individual, very private in all his ways. 

In truth nothing changed, but people started to recognize his devotion to Hashem once he retired. From 65 until his passing no one in Southern California attended more minyanim than he did. Every day he attended prayers for Shaharit, Minha, and Arbit. More times than not he was the hazzan. My father prayed in a Chassidic minyan, and he was the hazzan of choice. The congregation enjoyed his clear pronunciation and his heartfelt kavanah. Immediately after prayers everyone would leave, and he stayed to learn a little. After a while most of the men started to stay, too, and the rabbi engaged them in a class. 

My father made friends easily. When he reached his 94th birthday he began to need help from his friends. My father’s apartment was on the third floor, and it became difficult for him to bring the shopping or the laundry up the stairs. His friends were always there to help. Once I mentioned how much I appreciated all that, his friend replied, “Moshe, your father is a holy man, and this apartment is a sanctuary. Some people go to synagogue to find a holy place. I am telling you there is no holier place like this apartment in all of San Diego.” 

My father’s memory, with Hashem’s help, will live on with all who knew him. May his blessed memory  serve as a tool for all of us to follow in his ways. Amen. 

Last month, the students and faculty of Magen David Yeshivah were privileged to receive a visit from the esteemed Hacham, Rabbi Yaakov Hillel, the Rosh Yeshivah of Ahavat Shalom in Israel. The rabbi was welcomed to the yeshivah by MDY’s  kindergartners and first and second grade students.  The third and fourth graders lined the lobby as Rabbi Mustacchi’s MDY Boys choir sang a warm and beautiful rendition of Yahid El Dagul.

Rabbi Hillel was then led by a procession of rabbis, faculty members, and Principal Rabbi Ezra Cohen-Saban to the stage in MDY’s auditorium to address the fifth to eighth graders.  The rabbi’s message to the over 400 students and faculty was to remember, honor, and respect our heritage and not to forget where we came from, and to let Torah permeate all aspects of your life.

“The children of the community are the future of the community…knowing where you came from will help lead you to where you are going,” were the words at the heart of Rabbi Hillel’s message.

The visit was an inspiration to all the students.  “The rabbi’s visit put everything into perspective for me,” commented eighth-grader Nate Ben-Zaken.  Aaron Cohen added, “From the moment the rabbi walked into the room, our eyes lit up like diamonds!”  The rabbi’s visit was truly impactful on our students; they will remember this day for years to come.

At the end of his address to the elementary school students, Rabbi Hillel was joined on stage by the entire rabium of our school to capture this memorable and historic moment.  He left the building with a throng of students and teachers surrounding him, eagerly awaiting his greetings and blessings.

This special and memorable morning at MDY came on the heels of the Hacham’s visit to Magen David Yeshivah High School the day before. Rabbinical leader Rabbi Eli J. Mansour ushered Rabbi Hillel into the bet midrash where the young men of the yeshivah greeted him with song before hearing his inspirational words. He instructed his listeners to have patience with Torah and to let the Torah affect all aspects of who you are, not just intellectually, but spiritually as well.

Before leaving, Rabbi Hillel spent some time with the young ladies of the yeshivah and gave them a “Blessing for Queens,” expressing how important women are for the continuation of our beautiful community and heritage

Two years ago, I wrote the article below, and it could not be more relevant today. Now, more than ever, we are seeing the ramifications of not voting.  Our quality of life, home values, and the critical organizations we depend on are at stake.

“I have NO idea who my councilman is, let alone my state senator or state assemblyman.”  

“I think I voted once because I was home that day but I can’t remember what election it was for or who I even voted for.”  

“Vote?  No, I don’t vote.  I’m a Republican and New York elects Democrats anyway, why should I bother?”     

“I don’t get involved in politics.” 

“I don’t know where to go, or even what to do, and I am embarrassed that at my age I have never voted.”

Unfortunately, these are real responses I have gotten when simply asking, “Do you vote?”

Recently, while on a community-wide zoom town-hall, a woman went through a list of complaints about radical Democrats while the elected official attempted to explain to her the importance of voting. When she finished, I messaged her privately and asked her, “Do you vote?”  I nearly fell off my chair when she typed back, “Why bother?!? Nothing changes. Is my one vote going to change anything?” I replied simply, “Your vote is your voice, and so by withholding your vote, you are silencing not only yourself, but the community as a whole. Mrs. X, it’s time to SCREAM!”

Democratic Primaries Are the Key 

It is true that New York City is predominantly Democrat, but wherever one falls in their personal political views, if registered as a Republican, they are unable to vote in the Democratic primaries.  This can have disastrous consequences.  If we as a community want to shape the landscape of the leadership, we must be willing to shape it. It has never been more important to simply go out and VOTE.

In September of 2019, SCF published an article informing the community that “Progressive Democrats, feeling empowered by a handful of high-profile victories have now thrown their weight behind any progressive trying to unseat moderate Democratic incumbents.”

Virtually all of the competitive elections in Brooklyn, Manhattan, and recently, Queens, are, and have been, decided by Democratic Party primary elections, which are held in June of each year. As of September 2022, the governor, state senate majority, state assembly majority, attorney general, comptroller, mayor, city comptroller, every borough district attorney, NYC public advocate, as well as four out of five borough presidents, and 46 of the 51 New York City Council members are Democrats.

As the city and state continues on a leftward tilt, it is clear that our community must have the ability to vote in the Democratic primaries. This will have an influence on which Democrats run in the November elections. Strengthening our voting numbers in these primaries will greatly encourage candidates to support issues that are vital to our community. The stark choice these days is between a moderate Democrat versus a progressive one. 

The Power of the Community Voting Bloc

Moreover, we must turn out for the general election vote each and every November.  Politicians pay attention to how many people come out to vote – even if not for them. Our community must be seen as  powerful to make our voices heard. 

This is not to be taken lightly.  Recent events have left our community fearful and vulnerable.  We have been too silent.  We must take this seriously and make our concerns known by using our influence as a voting bloc.  Elected officials must see and know that we will go to the polls, we will support those who support us, and we will stand together to take action on the needs of our community.

Make the effort – VOTE in November, VOTE in future primaries, use your vote as your voice.

Sari Setton is the Executive Director of The Sephardic Community Federation. 

What Causes Ordinary People to Have “Superhuman” Powers During A Crisis? 

I was walking to a friend’s house late one Friday night when I heard a rustling in the bushes. I looked toward the shrubs and saw…a rat. I can’t say I jumped. I can’t say I ran. It was like being zapped with an electric shock. I suddenly found myself 15 feet away with my heart pounding and blood racing.  

What I experienced was the “fight or flight” response. When in danger, our bodies switch into emergency mode, and we get a surge of energy that allows us to perform feats of strength well beyond our normal limits. The stories are legendary. A fireman lifts a burning beam that supports an entire wall. A climber trapped under a 1,200 lb. rock shoves it down an embankment. A mom lifts a car, freeing her trapped child. Feats of strength that under normal circumstances would be impossible.

While we recognize the adrenaline rush that brings on this state, the actual process is simply astonishing.

Understanding the “Fight or Flight” Response

Because the “fight or flight” response engages almost every organ and system in the body, the complexity of the operation is baffling. 

At the first hint of danger, early warning signals are sent to the brain via the optic nerve to the fear center, the amygdala, which prepares the body for action. If the danger is confirmed, the disaster center in the brain jumpstarts the body. Nerve impulses are fired down the spinal cord to the adrenal glands just above the kidneys. The glands flood the bloodstream with adrenaline, which boosts heart rate and blood pressure. Blood now races to the muscles. Adrenaline also signals the liver to flood the body with glucose. Blood is shunted away from the digestive tract and other non-life saving areas so more will flow into critical areas. The lungs are signaled to breathe more quickly and deeply, injecting more oxygen into the blood. The metabolism is quickened. The senses are all on high alert. The mind is hyper-focused. The body is primed – ready to lift, run, or fight. 

ATP – Emergency Fuel for Muscles

But this isn’t enough. In a life-and-death situation, milliseconds count. The body must respond immediately. And what kick-starts the sprint to safety or the powerful lunge is instant energy stored in the muscles. 

Long in advance of an emergency situation, the body stockpiles energy – much like a high-energy battery – in the form of ATP, an energy molecule produced by burning glucose or fat. An emergency supply of ATP is housed in the muscles, ready to turbo charge us on demand. For a few seconds, that energy burst can turn a middle-aged man into an Olympic sprinter or a housewife into a power lifter. The supply only lasts about four seconds; then it is consumed. But during that time, we are able to perform superhuman feats of strength, pushing the body well beyond its ordinary limits. 

The dazzling part is that it’s automatic. It usually happens before our conscious mind even recognizes the danger. One minute you might be calmly walking down the street, not thinking about much, and then in an instant – the eyes see, and the brain responds. In a flash, a mild-mannered man is transformed into a superhero ready to save the day. 

Actually, there’s even more going on behind the scenes…  

Looking into Sight

We normally think of our senses in simplistic terms. We see. We think. We hear. We feel. We taste. But what’s actually going on is far more involved. Our brain is taking in sensory input and processing it, making sense of what we are experiencing. To do that, it decodes, assembles, and then compares images that have accumulated over a lifetime. It then puts it all together into one composite, and brings us a coherent version of the world. The steps involved in this process are remarkable. 

Let’s take vision as an example.

When I looked at the bushes and saw that rat, what actually happened was this: First, I heard a rustling sound, and then turned my head to see what it was. The lens in my eye automatically adjusted to focus on an image. That image was projected onto the retina in the back of my eye. Cells in the retina converted that image into electrical impulses, which were sent along the optic nerve into my brain for decoding and deciphering. The question being: What is that object? Is it real? Is it a threat? 

Then began the process of perception. Each second, a billion items of information are sent through the eye. Initially, everything that enters is a blur, with an untold number of patches of light and dark, contours, and lines. Information is then sent to different regions of the brain to piece together the images, refocus the eye for greater detail, and then interpret what it is that I am looking at. To do this, the supercomputer we call the brain must go into high gear.

The Visual Cortex

The first stop for this raw information is the thalamus, where the initial stages of recognition happen. Here the brain begins to collate and interpret the data, reaching some preliminary composites.

“Let’s see… That object is furry and has big ears and a tail. Hmmmmm… What could it be? It’s clearly an animal, but what kind? Is it friendly or predatory?”

Signals are then relayed to the memory center to access previous visual images. Every image a person has ever seen is burned into a cell. These cells are inventoried by category, emotion, and feelings. The catalogue of these cells is consulted to make a connection. Picture after picture is accessed until some recognitions form.

“Ah, there’s my pet hamster. I owned him when I was 10. Nope, not him. What about this? It’s furry and has a tail. No, that’s a dog. Hey, what about this? Yeah, that looks right. I think that’s it. Yeah. But, hey, wait, that’s a… a… a…RAT!”

Since the visual image of a rat was stored with severe emotions attached, it comes back with a red flag, as in, “Watch out! This might be dangerous!”  

Context

But not every rat is a threat. It depends on a number of factors. If I’m standing in the zoo, and the rat is behind a two-inch-thick piece of glass, I am not in harm’s way. So, more information is needed. 

And so after a person realizes what it is that he sees, signals are sent to the hippocampus to determine context. “Where am I? Where are they? Are they real?” 

The answer comes back. “I am standing alone on a dark street late at night. Not good.”

Now comes the major “number crunching” part, when the brain puts it all together. Each section of the brain fires off its conclusion. From the memory center comes the message: “Rat! Rat! This is not a drill! I repeat: This is not a drill!”

The thalamus then puts it all together. “Rat. Night. Alone. TROUBLE! Immediate action is required!” It then shoots out a signal to the crisis center of the brain: “Warning! Warning! Red Alert! Danger!”

The amygdala, the area that controls strong emotions, is then signaled. It flashes a message to the hypothalamus, which then fires electrical impulses down the spine to the adrenal gland. Thirty hormones are released, sending commands to almost every system in the body. The heart and lungs are sent into overdrive. The brain is flooded with chemicals that focus attention. The pupils are dilated to allow in more light. The veins in the skin are constricted to force more blood to the muscles (causing the familiar reaction of goose bumps). The immune and digestive systems are shut down to allow more energy to the muscles. The liver secretes glucose and begins production of replenishments. ATP in the muscles is released, and the body is ready for peak performance.

From start to finish, how long does this process take?

About 0.3 seconds!

This is a system of extreme complexity, more sophisticated than the most advanced machines, systems, or factories man has ever conceived. But even at this level, we’re only scratching the surface of what is happening.

When we contemplate such wisdom, we begin to get an inkling of the sheer brilliance and capacity of our Creator.  

Mother Lifts Car to Save Her Son  

In Georgia, a car jack slipped and caused a 3,000-pound Chevy Impala to fall on top of a young man. Without any assistance, his mother, Angela Cavallo, picked up the car and held it for five minutes until neighbors could pull her son to safety! 

Man Lifts Helicopter to Rescue Colleague 

In 1988, a helicopter lost control and crashed into a drainage ditch. One of the pilots was trapped under the helicopter in the shallow water. His co-worker  ran over and lifted the helicopter, which weighed more than 1,550 lbs.!

Father Saves His Son From Alligator 

In Florida, a huge alligator grabbed a six-year-old boy by the arm and dragged him into the water. The boy’s father, Joseph Welch, began to punch the reptile to make it release his son.  Eventually, with the help of a bystander, the alligator was defeated and released the boy. 

Mother Fights Off Polar Bear 

In 2006, 41-year-old Lydia Angyiou was walking with her two sons when a 700-pound polar bear approached them. She told her sons to run, placing herself between them and the bear. Then she attacked the bear, kicking and punching it. Fortunately, a bystander had seen what was happening and shot his rifle into the air several times to startle the bear before killing it.