In the heat of the moment, it may seem easier to let instincts take control and yell and scream at your kids to try to get your way. But as discussed last month, the negative effects stack way higher than any momentary satisfaction. Isaac Setton, a licensed mental health counselor, acknowledges parents’ frustration but urges that it’s not too late and as hopeless as you may think. You can take control and do something about it. You wouldn’t
shout at your child in front of a public figure such as a rabbi, would you? So you do have control – it just needs to be practiced at home as well as in public.

CONSISTENCY IS KEY

Some parents think that if I do the right thing sometimes, and yell at other times, this can
create some sort of successful balance. Nothing is farther from the truth – mixed messages cause confusion in a child’s mind. Consistency is key – if you are fluid in your parenting style it creates an environment for building positive habits. The kid does something good = gets validated = feels good = repeats the good act, and it cycles into positive habits and behavior.

Here are some helpful tips that you should try instead:

Make a Simple Request – Talking kindly like you would a friend (as opposed to barking a command) can help build respect. Talking to a child with respect helps build mutual respect. A perfect example of mutual respect between child and adult is a teacher and student. A teacher who is strict and yells a lot may get a quiet classroom but behind the scenes gets mocked and often has to deal with misbehavior. A teacher who is calm and talks nicely and listens will get students who will give the same respect back to them. It’s less cool to mess with someone who’s so nice to you.

Listen to What They Have to Say – When a child does poorly on an exam, and you know a conversation needs to take place, you have two options that result in two highly different outcomes. You can yell: “What’s going on here? You had plenty of time to study, your friends are doing better than you, why can’t you get it together? Do you want to fail?” OR you can open the lines of communication: “Hey, I noticed you didn’t do so well on your test. What’s going on?” Pause, and you will get the honest answer you actually need in order to help them succeed next time. With the first option, you put them down, and will either get shouted back at or will get a handful of excuses.

Make Eye Contact – When you make a request do not shout from the other room. Make sure they see you and hear you if you expect results.

Acknowledge When They Do the Right Thing – Positive attention must be infused into your relationship with a child. Pointing out when they do something right (either with a tangible reward or kind words) will motivate them to continue listening. *BONUS TIP* if they do something right without being asked and you acknowledge it, they will be eager to please and you will not always have to make the request, because they will want to do it on their own.

Replace Yelling with Humor – Oh you left your shoes in the middle of the room? I’m not sure if they can walk themselves to your closet! Smile and say in a joking manner as to not give off a sarcastic vibe. This way you get your point across without actually having to make a request.

Pause and Take a Breath – When a situation arises and your natural instinct is telling you to yell – stop and take a breath. This sounds simple and it is. It is also super effective. Breathing before reacting slows down your thinking and helps you react more rationally. Think about: what did I learn, what is the right way to react to this situation? When you think instead of reacting from emotion, the message is usually much more effective.

Isaac Setton LMHC, CASAC is a licensed mental health counselor who has worked at the SBH Counseling Center and The SAFE Foundation as a mental health counselor and substance abuse counselor. He works in Magen David Yeshivah High School as a guidance counselor and Project SAFE teacher. He also focuses on his private practice Flow Therapy NYC counseling children, adolescents, and young adults struggling with mental health issues. For help or more information, Isaac can be reached at: 917-676-6110 or email: Flowtherapynyc@gmail.com.

The Cheder of Brooklyn and Yeshiva & Mesivta Shalom Shachna will be honoring an esteemed member of the community, Rabbi Yitzhak Yisraeli, on February 7th at their annual dinner. Rabbi Yisraeli will be presented with the Keter Torah Award in recognition of his many accomplishments.

Rabbi Michel Rosenberg, Executive Director of The Cheder, praised Rabbi Yisraeli, “He’s a prominent figure and an esteemed parent in our school. He is a popular lecturer as well. Rabbi Yisraeli is a really distinguished talmid hacham. We are very proud to honor this very illustrious person.”

Rabbi Yisraeli’s Background

Rabbi Yisraeli has been rabbi of Sha’arei Yeshuah MiTzion, also known as Sephardic Center of Mill Basin, since 2012. He is the Av Beit Din of Torah U’Mishpat in Brooklyn, and also serves as Rosh Kollel in Congregation Beth Gavriel in Queens.

Rabbi Yisraeli is a former talmid of Hacham HaRav Ovadia Yosef, zt”l, and Hacham Ben Tzion Abba Shaul, zt”l. Soon after Rabbi Yisraeli received his smicha, he served as a dayan in the Bet Din headed by Hacham Ben Haim in Queens. In 2000, Rabbi Yisraeli was appointed Rabbi of Congregation Sha’are Emunah in Cedarhurst, where he stayed for eight years. Between 2008-2010, he served as a Rosh Yeshiva in Yeshiva Be’er Yitzhak in Beitar Illit, Israel.

In 2001 Rabbi Yisraeli established the Sephardic Beth Medrash and Congregation of Rockland County in Wesley Hills, New York, which he led until 2012.

In 2014 Rabbi Yisraeli published his first book, MeAvnei HaMakom, which deals with halachic questions including contemporary Shabbat issues, marriage, gittin, and agunot. His second book, Yode’ei Binah, was published in 2016 and deals with the determination of zmanim.

In 2016, he was appointed the Chief Rabbi of the Rabbinical Bukharian Association of the United States and Canada, a position he holds to this day.

Rabbi Yisraeli is a popular teacher and speaker. He has taught halacha and dayanut in several kollelim in Brooklyn and Queens. His recorded shiurim can be accessed at Torah Anytime and Hidabroot.

A Unique Institution

The Cheder was founded by Menahel Rabbi Meir Chaim Gutfreund, shlit”a, in consultation with Hagaon Harav Eliezer Menachem Schach, zt”l, Rosh Hayeshiva of the Ponevezh Yeshiva in Bnei Brak.

Located on Elmwood Avenue near McDonald Avenue, the Cheder opened in 1993 with just fifty students. Today, Rabbi Rosenberg proudly notes that the cheder, yeshiva, and mesivta student body includes over eight hundred boys and young men, ranging in age from three to twenty-one. He added that the Cheder takes great pride in guiding each student.

“The school’s success can be attributed to very individualized attention – a very strong ‘no child left behind’ mentality. Tremendous focus and effort is made regarding every boy in the yeshiva through meetings between the menahel, rabbeim, and the parents,” Rabbi Rosenberg says.

“The menahel, Rabbi Meir Chaim Gutfreund, is not just passing the boys from grade to grade. It’s a top-rate school where a tremendous amount of monitoring is taking place. There is a very extensive resource room for boys who need it. It blends timeless hinuch techniques with an understanding of today’s youth.”

Looking Towards the Future

Currently its three buildings, including several spacious batei medrash, a dormitory, dining rooms, and a gym, host the growing student body. The school is actively seeking sponsors and donations to accommodate their ever growing needs.

Currently there is a tremendous opportunity to honor and show appreciation to the esteemed Rabbi Yitzhak Yisraeli through ads and dedications for the dinner’s journal. For more information please contact the school at ads@thechederschool.com or call the office at 718-252-6333.

Many young families are moving from the city to suburbia, for a multitude of different reasons. Most would likely agree that the Jersey life is far simpler and more peaceful than life in noisy, bustling neighborhoods in Manhattan or Brooklyn. However, some are nevertheless hesitant to make the move to Jersey because of educational concerns, worried whether their children would receive the kind of quality education available back in the city. But there’s good news – our community is blessed with a beautiful girls school right in the heart of the Jersey Shore.

Bet Yaakov of the Jersey Shore (BYJS) is an established community preschool, elementary, and high school for girls. Since opening in 2009, the school has earned a widespread reputation for its uniquely warm atmosphere. The classes are kept small, each consisting of only 15-18 students. The devoted, professional teachers pay close attention to each and every student, imbuing them with a love of Torah, love of being a Jew, and outstanding middot (character traits), all while educating them at the highest academic standards.

“Like One Big Family”

“I had the privilege of teaching halachah in the Bet Yaakov high school for eight years,” says Rabbi Moshe Douek, Rabbi of Shaare Tefillah Bene Moshe (Eatontown Shul). “I currently have two daughters in the school, one in high school and one in elementary
school. My experiences as a teacher and a parent have only been extremely positive. My daughters love everything about the school. The teachers are so caring and make sure that everyone is fulfilling her potential.

“The girls are very friendly to each other and the school makes sure that everyone succeeds. The families of the school become like one big family.”

Rachel Mustacchi and her family made the move from Brooklyn to Deal about five years ago. At first, they wanted to move back, but once her girls started school, they instantly felt welcomed. This experience was one of the important factors that led them to decide to stay on the Jersey Shore.

“My kids were welcomed at BYJS from day one with open arms,” Rachel recalls. “They all made friends so quickly, which made the adjustment go much smoother.

“Now we enjoy all the aspects of Jersey living. The quality of life is much better. We get to enjoy the pool until October, and open it up in late spring. Overall, the children play outdoors more than they were ever able to in Brooklyn, and I enjoy living every day to its fullest, not having to worry about or deal with traffic or parking.”

Constantly Reaching Higher

The key to BYJS’ uniqueness and success is its phenomenal staff. Both Judaic Studies Principal Mrs. Leah Frankel, and General Studies Principal Mrs. Sara Sonnenschein bring their charges years of experience and first-rate professionalism. They regularly attend
conferences and continue to build upon their extensive knowledge in the field of education, always striving for higher standards of achievement. They exhibit unlimited devotion to each and every student, ensuring to address each girl’s individual needs to the very best of their ability.

Bet Yaakov is run under the inspirational leadership of Rabbi Shmuel Choueka. Rabbi
Choueka is known for being exceptionally warm, caring, and always available for his students even years after they graduate, ready to advise and help in any way that is needed. In his capacity as Rabbi of BYJS, he ensures that everything in the school is run in accordance with da’at Torah (the guidance of our leading rabbinic guides), and he regularly consults with our generation’s leading sages to ascertain that the school is following the proper Torah path.

Beyond the classroom learning, BYJS incorporates a wide variety of special programs to keep the students excited and to supplement their formal education. In the past month of December alone the students enjoyed a special Rosh Chodesh activity, a “read-a-thon” to encourage reading, a “Tehillim-a-thon” to energize the girls’ prayers, a career day to expose the students to a range of different possible professions which they might wish to pursue and a preschool Mommy and me Hanukah day. The school also hosted special events for the families that attend the school, and for the community at large. Last month, for the second year in a row, the preschool organized a Hanukah Extravaganza Day for the greater Deal community. Other events included a toy and clothing drive for A Home For Girls in Israel and a mother-daughter luncheon and activity day, where the high school girls launched the “Build the Bayit Campaign,” an initiative by the girls for the women in the community.

Bet Yaakov of the Jersey Shore is making the move to the suburbs an easier and more attractive choice for many community families. Parents need not be concerned that the move to the quiet and serenity of the Jersey Shore might compromise their children’s education. BYJS offers everything parents want for their daughters – and the peace of mind of knowing that their child is being cared for by a devoted team of professional educators in a warm Torah environment, where she is being placed on the road leading to a lifetime of achievement and success.

“To learn, to teach, to observe and to practice.”

This is the mission statement of Ohr Halacha, a unique institution which prepares young Torah scholars in the Sephardic community for a life of service as religious guides and leaders. Employing a large assortment of educational methods, Ohr Halacha’s semichah (ordination) program enables our community’s young, ambitious students to acquire the knowledge, expertise, and training they need to serve as halachic decisors and as the next generation of leaders in our community.

Ohr Halacha was established in 2014 under the guidance of Rabbi Eliezer Harari, Rabbi David Ozeri, and Rabbi Yosef Galimidi. It is led by its renowned Rosh Kollel, Rabbi Hayim Arking, who also serves as administrator of the kashrut division of the JSOR (Jersey Shore Orthodox Rabbinate), the premier kashrut organization for the Deal area. Ohr Halacha’s recently-appointed Executive Director, Rabbi Abe Elbaz, brings to the organization years of experience and expertise in community outreach. He is available by phone to offer any assistance or information relevant to Ohr Halacha’s work.

Students in Ohr Halacha spend five years engrossed in advanced Torah learning, delving into the Talmud and its commentaries, and covering large portions of the Shulhan Aruch and later halachic works. Comprehensive exams are administered, testing the students’ mastery of the material.

Ohr Halacha graduates currently serve as rabbis, teachers, and speakers in Deal, Lakewood, Brooklyn and many other communities.

Beyond producing religious leaders, Ohr Halacha also works directly with the Sephardic community in various different capacities, running several important programs:

Sofer Center

Ohr Halacha’s center for everything related to safrut (the writing of tefillin, mezuzot, and Torah scrolls) is located in Ocean, NJ (416 Deal Road). It was started four years ago to give Deal community members access to top quality tefillin and mezuzot at affordable prices. Ohr Halacha has a team of expert sofrim and talented young rabbis who are available to tend to all needs involving tefillin, mezuzot, and Sifre Torah. Bar mitzvah boys are invited to come and watch their tefillin being put together, giving them an unforgettable, inspiring experience and a precious memory that lasts a lifetime. The Kollel is in the process of training more sofrim to enable the Sofer Center to further expand its activities.

Shaatnez Center

The Shaatnez Center, also located in Deal, is operated by a team of shaatnez checkers who have completed 60 hours of training, learning all about fabrics so they can easily identify shaatnez. The center is run as a service to the community, in an effort to help community members observe this mitzvah. Recently, someone called the center to arrange the inspection of a number of items, and the staff member asked about the garments. Upon receiving the information, the inspector was able to determine right away that the clothing is free of sha’atnez and does not require checking.

Ohr Halacha is planning to host to another course to train more sha’atnez inspectors for the benefit of our ever-growing community.

Ask the Rabbi

Ohr Halacha recently launched its halacha hotline which invites community members to pose halachic questions and receive answers from knowledgeable rabbis.

Berit Milah and Pidyon Haben

Rabbi Arking has been serving as a mohel in the Deal community for the past ten years. And, as a kohen, who is occasionally called upon to participate in the pidyon haben ceremony for a firstborn baby boy, Rabbi Arking has produced special “pidyon haben cards” to enable all participants from all backgrounds to appreciate and follow the ceremony. His institution, Ohr Halacha, accompanies young couples through the deeply emotional process of berit milah and pidyon haben, helping them to fully appreciate the meaning of these special mitzvot and ensure they are properly fulfilled. Ohr Halacha has published English-language booklets to enhance the experience of the Zohar reading before the berit, the berit itself, and the pidyon haben.

JSOR and Home Kosher

Ohr Halacha trains kashrut administrators and mashgihim, helping our community adhere to the highest standards of kashrut. Reflecting on the unique importance of this field, Rabbi Arking says, “Kashrut is the interface between the world we live in and the greatest depth of halacha.” Applying ancient halachic principles to modern-day food production epitomizes the everlasting relevance of halacha.

Organization of Marital Guidance

When, unfortunately, marital conflicts arise, experts in many different areas often need to come together to help the couple make the best decisions for the family and reduce levels of stress and friction. Ohr Halacha works together with a team of rabbis, therapists, attorneys and dayanim to assist couples facing crisis in marriage. One couple in distress that had decided to divorce reached out to Ohr Halacha, and the team showed them how to reorient their perspective and sort through their problems. This process changed the couple’s mind, and they are now happily married and thankful that they approached this unique organization for help.

Torah Classes and Havrutot

Ohr Halacha runs a wide range of Torah classes and learning programs, and arranges havrutot (study partners) for those interested in expanding their knowledge in an intimate, one-on-one setting. Havrutot and classes are available any time of day or evening, on both weekdays and weekends.

Publications

Ohr Halacha has produced numerous valuable publications, including Zohar and Hanukat Habayit books with explanation, Ketuba in Halacha, Musarei HaTorah, and FAQs on many Jewish topics and holidays. Rabbi Arking looks forward to expanding this enterprise and producing many more volumes of quality Torah literature to enhance our community’s knowledge, appreciation and observance of our sacred traditions.

For more information about Ohr Halacha and its wide range of programs, please call the organization at 732-359-3080, or send an email to office@ohrhalacha.org. You can also visit Ohr Halacha’s website, www.ohrhalacha.org.

This article is dedicated in memory of Linda bat Estrella Arking, a”h. May it be l’ilui nishmata.

Let’s take a breath and give ourselves a pat on the back for the resilience, strength, courage, and especially the emunah we demonstrated for the past ten months. When our world was turned upside down by COVID-19, regardless of age or role, we stretched ourselves to navigate the New Normal and beat this plague. We fortified ourselves and faced the challenges, turning adversity into opportunity.

With intercession (“the winter break”) arriving soon, I have some good news and bad news to share.

First, the bad news. There has been a surge in COVID-19 cases, particularly after millions of people traveled through airports for the Thanksgiving holidays. Also, as the weather gets colder and winter approaches, people will be interacting more frequently indoors, most probably in poorly ventilated places, which escalates the risk of transmission of the Coronavirus. Finally, the general public will most likely not begin to get vaccinated until April 2021.

Now for the good news. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Four pharmaceutical/biotech companies are on the brink of releasing the COVID-19 vaccine in the United States. By the time you read this article, Pfizer and Moderna will have provided enough of the vaccine to immunize 20 million people, health care workers, and nursing home residents in the U.S. In the history of medicine, the quickest vaccine to have ever been developed took four years. This one was ready in eight months.

The other piece of good news is that there are lots of winter pandemic-friendly intercession activities, and staycations have always been a popular option for winter break.

Before we move on to intercession activities, let’s recap some key events and lessons learned.

In mid-March, schools closed on short notice and educators moved quickly to launch remote learning. Parents managed their own work from home and supervised their children’s virtual learning. The warm weather brought with it some relief, certain summer camps opened, and parents organized safe and socially distant happenings such as road trips or outdoor activities for the family. School administrators spent hours during the summer developing safe reopening plans and students returned to either full in-person learning or blended learning in the fall.

The yeshiva winter school break is traditionally a time to hop on a plane or cruise ship, if one’s finances and schedule permits, and escape to a warm climate. Given the uptick in COVID-19 cases and a shortened or even cancelled winter break, flying or cruising are no longer viable or safe choices. Some yeshivot have even scheduled scattered days off within the next months to discourage families from booking air travel plans and having increased exposure to COVID-19.

Let’s give our children credit for the immense emunah, flexibility, creativity, patience, and agility displayed since March. Many are experiencing pandemic fatigue, but we need patience to hang in there and keep our families and others safe. If we do that, next winter we can travel across the country or even to Israel.

The Pandemic Pivot

A word often associated with managing our New Normal is PIVOT. Pivot means to turn or balance on a central point. While this word was used frequently in surviving and pivoting from a business crisis, job loss, or death of a loved one, it can also depict a commitment to shift to a new direction. Some call it the pandemic pivot.

How can we pivot to arrive at safe, fun and socially distant winter break ideas?

Road trips are a popular and safer pivot from getaways requiring air travel. Staying in your own state may be your safest bet to avoid quarantine rules when returning from certain states. Finding a destination that is not going to be crowded, such as a national park, may be a safe, peaceful, and enjoyable option. Most children adore recreational vehicles and hotels. Please review cleaning, social distancing, and cancellation policies before you book a hotel, Airbnb, or any attraction.

As with any pre-pandemic vacation, perform your due diligence and homework before booking a trip.

Keep your plans fluid, based on how the public health landscape continues to evolve.

Venues can close at a day’s notice or stay-at-home orders can be implemented based on the COVID-19 positivity rates, hospitalization rates, and rates of ICU bed availability.

Before winter break, sit down with your children at a family meeting and explain the current pandemic environment.

Clarify why this year’s intercession will look different than others. Encourage your kids to talk about their emotions, expectations, and ideas for winter break. Validate their concerns. Be patient and honest and help them feel safe.

Look for the silver linings in this year’s winter break that does not include an exotic destination (more privacy and bonding, cheaper). Reinforce the practice of the three W’s of COVID-19, Wear, Wait, and Wash – wear a mask, stay six feet apart, and wash your hands regularly for 20 seconds or use hand sanitizer.

Consider a Staycation

A staycation is a stay-at-home vacation that is spent visiting local attractions. Intercession often creates financial and work-related pressures for parents. With the additional pandemic stressors of job furloughs, virtual learning for children, work from home parents,
and potential COVID-19 exposure, staycations are a safer and more economic vacation alternative.

Staycations sidestep long airport lines and the anxiety associated with air travel (such
as security concerns and delayed flights). The need to make every minute count on a pricey and faraway vacation sometimes detracts from the relaxation and bonding we want to experience.

Present a staycation as a win-win and model a positive outlook. If you have teenagers put them in charge of finding appealing activities for the whole family.

Enjoy the Outdoors!

If it snows, play in your own backyard or inspire your children to shovel the driveway and walkway for the family and neighbors in need. Reward your kids with a tip and, of course, a cup of hot chocolate.

Who doesn’t enjoy building a snowman and decorating it or creating a snow fort?

Socially distanced outdoor fun: Try snowshoeing, sledding, having a classic snowball fight, ice skating, or bundling up for a hike.

Family Indoor Fun Ideas

• Take a family vote and try a new recipe. How about coming up with different themes for dinner and dress up according to the theme? Hawaiian luau anyone?
• Have your kids make a wish list of yummy healthy winter foods. Expand your eating horizons with pomegranate hot chocolate, banana pancakes, oatmeal muffins, or a new kind of mac and cheese.
• Do winter arts and crafts – snow globes, melted snowman in a mason jar, or winter tree painting.
• Try something new – learn how to crochet or knit a scarf.
• Have an indoor picnic.
• Bake cookies or cook soup for a neighbor.
• Work on a family puzzle.
• Reconnect with friends and family on Zoom.
• Have a trivia contest.

NJ Outdoor Ideas

• Monmouth County: http://www.victorystables.com/
• Monmouth County Parks: https://www.monmouthcountyparks.com/
• Activities include Nature Walks, Hiking, Birding. Check the Calendar of Events.
• Skateplex Park – located at Seven Presidents Park in North Long Branch.
• Hiking the Trails – in the Monmouth County Parks.
• Sledding Down the Monmouth County Hills.
• Visit Sandy Hook Gateway National Recreation Area: Check out the website for outdoor activities: https://www.nps.gov/gate/planyourvisit/outdooractivities.htm

Ideas suggested by Joy Betesh (Download Valuable Coupons @ www.couponconnectionnj.com).

Play Tourist and Enjoy Nature

You can play tourist in NY and NJ depending on the COVID-19 environment. If the weather is mild, walk across the Brooklyn Bridge or ride on the Staten Island Ferry. Enjoy Brooklyn Bridge Park, the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, Prospect Park, or the New York Botanical Gardens. It’s easier to stay socially distant at these large grounds.

Like wildlife and nature? Visit the Bronx Zoo’s 265 acres and 8,000 animals. Guests must reserve a date-specific ticket. Or walk on the Coney Island Boardwalk and reserve tickets for the New York Aquarium.

Monmouth County Parks in New Jersey have exciting winter activities for the entire family. Check out the Parks and Program Guide at: https://reg.monmouthcountyparks.com/Documents/ Winter-PPG-2020-web.pdf.

The perks of winter break for kids are sleeping in, not running to catch the bus or a ride to school, and having pure leisure time. Suggest that they unplug from technology and allow their minds and bodies to refuel, recharge, and get positive.

Wishing you a safe and healthy winter break!

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching. Ellen works part-time as an entitlement specialist at Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).