Carolyn Orfahli, MS, OTR/L 

You’re a new mom who’s looking forward to your baby’s first Mommy and Me class. Around the room babies are sitting, facing their mothers, and playing “peak a boo” with colorful scarves. Your baby isn’t able to sit yet. You start to wonder if your child should be sitting like his peers. This is not something you foresaw to be a concern. You’re a pro mom, you’ve been acing it for the past seven months.  Your baby eats well and sleeps through the night, but sitting, who even thinks about it? 

Occupational therapists (OTs) are experts in developmental milestones that begin in infancy. These milestones occur at specific windows of time to progress your baby throughout development. Milestones help integrate primitive reflexes and keep your baby playing and feeding age-appropriately.  

As a mother, you aren’t supposed to inherently know about when these milestones occur. Fortunately, your pediatrician goes over a list of milestones at each well visit. Your pediatrician may ask: “Is your child rolling?” or “Is your child pointing?” At a glance these questions may seem like easy yes or no questions. However, if you think about it, does anyone speak about how excited they are that their baby is rolling?  

You may answer yes to the milestone questions at the appointment. That afternoon, while playing with your baby, you notice that your baby is only rolling to his left and is only using one hand to reach for toys. This observation may be nothing of concern or possibly your baby may benefit from OT.  

What do you do? With any concern, always consult with your pediatrician first. They may advise to seek OT right away, the earlier your baby is in therapy, the quicker they progress. Sometimes, your pediatrician may advise you to “wait and see.” Now, the power is in your hands. If you are worried about your baby, you can decide to seek therapy instead of waiting. You are the expert on your baby. You are taking notice to how he plays compared to his peers. If your OT recommends therapy, now your baby has the best possible chance to get on track. Once your child is evaluated, your OT may recommend physical or speech therapy instead. If your baby doesn’t need therapy, your baby is doing well and your mind is set at ease. 

When an OT evaluates your baby’s skills, they are analyzing each of your baby’s body movements, checking their primitive reflexes and overall strength. For example, in regard to rolling: Is your baby rolling to his right and to his left? Is your baby rolling from his back to belly and from his belly to back?  

During OT sessions, you’ll receive guidance on stretches, positioning, exercises, and different activities to help your baby achieve his milestones.  

The developmental milestones occur within a range of months. As a general rule, OTs give the baby time to “catch-up” before suggesting therapy. Each baby’s case is specific. Whether they were born prematurely, have a muscle tightness, or have a specific diagnosis will dictate the urgency of initiating OT.

The following is a list of milestones that your baby should be able to do by each age. Other milestones related to standing/walking and speech/communication are not listed. Consult with a physical or speech therapist accordingly.  

2-3 months:  

• Lifts head briefly during tummy time 

• Brings hands to mouth 

• Visually tracks toys  

4-5 months: 

• Bears weight on forearms during tummy time 

• Rolls from back to belly and belly to back 

• Reaches and grasps toys 

6 months: 

• Sits unsupported 

• Grasps small objects using all their fingers 

8 months: 

• Crawls on hands and feet  

12 months: 

• Pincer grasp with index finger and thumb with both hands 

• Self-feed finger foods 

• Transitions between all positions: laying down, sitting, crawling 

Additionally, if your baby seems floppy, rigid, or seems to exhibit sensory seeking behaviors (rocking or spinning) or sensory avoidant behaviors (refuses to touch certain textures in food or during play), an OT may be of assistance.  

Carolyn Orfahli, MS, OTR/L is a Pediatric Occupational Therapist and founder of MamaBear OT. She has extensive experience working at NYU Rusk Rehab pediatric outpatient unit and in Early Interventions/School settings. She can be reached at: (718) 490-5045. 

The Case 

A Back-to-School Blunder 

During the summer, Solomon borrowed $400 from his good friend and was unable to return the outstanding loan until after the summer. As a schoolteacher, Solomon received his first paycheck at the start of the back-to-school season. Anxious to return the loan, he handed the $400 cash he owed to a ten-year-old student and asked him to deliver it to the lender. Solomon was confident that the ten-year-old would safely deliver the cash to the lender, since the lender resided next door to the young boy’s home. But when the ten-year-old arrived home and told his mother of the cash he was carrying, she immediately confiscated the money and was appalled by Solomon’s reckless behavior. She then placed the money on top of the piano adjacent to the entrance of the home. A short while later, a delivery boy from a local grocer who was dropping off groceries entered the home, and evidently made off with the $400. The lady of the home notified Solomon of the unfortunate turn of events and chastised him for his reckless conduct. Solomon acknowledged that he acted unwisely, but claimed that had she not intervened, the money would have surely reached the next-door neighbor. Unwilling to compensate Solomon for the lost funds, and unable to find the delivery boy for collection, the matter was presented to Bet Din to resolve.  

How should the Bet Din rule?  Is Solomon entitled to compensation or not, and why? 

Torah Law 

According to the ruling of the Shulhan Aruch, a person entrusted with an item to safeguard is liable in case of theft if he had left the item unattended. Even if the third party who was left alone with the item is not a suspicious character, and has no prior criminal record, nevertheless, it is considered negligence, and the custodian is liable. Unpaid custodians are generally exempt in case of theft, but if the item was lost or stolen due to a custodian’s negligence, he bears liability and must reimburse the owner for the loss. This ruling applies even if it is never proven that the third party who was allowed unattended access to the item was, in fact, the thief. Unless the custodian can prove that there is no link between the third party’s access and the subsequent disappearance of the item, he is held accountable for negligently leaving the item unattended. 

These guidelines apply only to a custodian who agrees to safeguard an item. However, in instances where one obtains an item belonging to another through a minor, the degree of responsibility may vary. Certainly, one who destroys or damages an item received from a minor is liable for his destructive actions, but many authorities exempt an offender in instances of mere negligence. Since the owner handed over the item to a minor, it may be assumed that he implicitly relinquished all claims of negligence affected by another. Although the negligent party took the item from the minor’s possession, he does not automatically assume responsibility as a custodian. By willingly entrusting the item to a minor, the owner himself can be said to have already compromised the safety of the item.  So even if the item was intercepted and subsequently lost by another, since the item may have already had a status of misplacement from the onset, the intercepting party can be exempted from liability. 

However, several halachic authorities dispute this ruling and maintain that one who intercepts an item from a minor assumes the status of an unpaid custodian. Since the item may have likely been protected by the minor and ultimately returned to its owner, one who interferes with that process bears liability in cases of negligence.  

Generally, when faced with a case subject to two conflicting views among the halachic authorities, a Bet Din will not issue a judgment for payment. Since there are halachic opinions to rely on, a defendant has the legal right to withhold payment.  

As a side note, in instances where a third party takes an item entrusted to a minor, and afterwards returns it to the minor, he is not liable if the item is subsequently lost. Since the owner himself placed it in the custody of a minor, it is legally acceptable to return it to that same minor. 

Sources: Baba Batra 88a, Shulhan Aruch 188:2, Rabbenu Yonah to Baba Batra 87b, Nimukei Yosef, Netivot  Hamishpat 261:2, Mishpat Shelomoh 3:14, Divrei Mishpat 261:4, Aruch Hashulhan 261:4.  

VERDICT: A Teacher’s Folly 

The Bet Din did not require the mother to pay Solomon the $400, since, as discussed, according to several halachic authorities, one who intercepts and then misplaces an item entrusted to a minor is exempt from liability. Although the mother was most definitely negligent by allowing a stranger access to the money she intercepted, nevertheless, she never explicitly accepted responsibility and according to several opinions she is exempt from payment. 

This ruling was because Solomon gave the money to a minor, thereby implicitly relinquishing claims of negligence affected by the mother. By depositing the money with a minor, he is considered as having partially abandoned the funds and cannot later demand compensation for its subsequent loss due simply to negligence. In essence, he is the one who bears initial accountability for carelessness.

In Loving Memory of Vera Bat Carol, A”H 

YOU BE THE JUDGE 

The Wrath of Milton 

Stanley, a jobber, regularly buys and sells varied merchandise at a small profit. Upon striking a deal to purchase from Harry $7,000 worth of goods, the two agreed that the sale would be on consignment. Stanley stored the merchandise in his private garage, which was protected by a surveillance camera and a sophisticated alarm system. But when Hurricane Milton swept across the Southeast Coast, a tree fell on the garage, starting an electrical fire that caused permanent damage to the merchandise. Stanley immediately notified Harry of the unfortunate turn of events and told him that he had no intention of paying for the goods since they were bought on consignment. Harry did not respond to Stanley but rather summoned him to Bet Din claiming $7,000 in compensation for the lost merchandise. In Bet Din, Stanley explained that although the merchandise was lost while in his domain, by definition of consignment, Harry had retained ownership of the goods until they were sold. Since Harry was the owner of the merchandise, he is to sustain the loss. Harry defended his claim stating simply that while Stanley maintained the right to return the merchandise at any time, if he fails to return the goods for any reason, he is liable for payment.  

How should the Bet Din rule – in favor of Stanley or Harry, and why? 

The Deal Football League (DFL) has quickly cemented itself as the preeminent flag football league in the community, drawing top athletes from Deal, Lakewood, and Brooklyn to participate each Sunday from September through December. Now in its fifth season, the DFL continues to grow and thrive, capturing the hearts of players and fans alike as we head into the heart of the 2024 season. 

It’s almost hard to believe that this season was at risk of not happening at all. After four successful years of being run by The DSN, the league was at a crossroads. Interest levels had always been high, but the day-to-day management became increasingly difficult for the original leadership team to handle. Recognizing the strain, the league’s organizers made the pivotal decision to bring in a fresh face with extensive experience in managing sports leagues. 

Enter Sam J. Sutton. After weeks of due diligence, Sam was appointed as the new commissioner, and under his leadership, the league has seen a rejuvenation. Registration numbers soared, and Sutton implemented an entirely new approach to league media through his company, Sam I Am Productions. With fresh energy and a clear direction, the DFL was back in full swing, ready for another thrilling season. 

Season Kicks Off 

The season kicked off with a live draft at the West Deal Shul Community Center, creating excitement and anticipation throughout the community. Now, three weeks into the season, the standings are beginning to take shape, and the competition is heating up. 

DFL’s Media Presence and Player Engagement 

A key feature of the DFL this season is its enhanced media presence, led by Sam I Am Productions. The league’s YouTube channel and Instagram page are buzzing with content, from game highlights to player interviews, keeping the community engaged and invested. The league’s group chat is another aspect that keeps players connected and invested in every aspect of the league, giving them a platform to share their thoughts and engage in spirited discussions. 

The Stars Shine Bright 

The players are what truly make the DFL special. With highly competitive games each week, standout performances, and big moments, the league continues to raise its profile. Every game features shining stars, and the “Player of the Week” and “Play of the Week” awards, along with the “Turning Point of the Game,” keep the spotlight on the league’s top performers. 

• Player of the Week: Sponsored by TROHPIC.com 

• Play of the Week: Sponsored by Saka Dental Spa 

• Turning Point of the Game: Sponsored by JBNS Construction 

In next month’s issue, we’ll dive deeper into the playoff picture and see which teams are positioning themselves for a deep run into the postseason. 

For those wanting to stay updated on all things DFL, head to the league’s YouTube channel and Instagram page for all the latest highlights, interviews, and more. 

The 2024 DFL season features eight teams, each led by a respected captain and sponsored by community businesses: 

• Ravens – led by Zack Kassin 

• Dolphins – led by Alfonse Missry 

• Texans – led by Yoni Panigel 

• Steelers – led by Victor Cohen 

• Colts – led by Ralph Hanan 

• Cowboys – led by Allen Mustacchi 

• 49ers – led by Mo Dowek 

• Eagles – led by Michael Panetz 

Experts Offer Advice for Navigating 

the Spiritual Dangers of Today’s Universities 

Victor Cohen 

Growing up in a community like ours made things seem easy. Surrounded by warm and affirming beliefs, we grew up in an enclave of religious observance, steeped in tradition. Attending the community’s yeshivot, praying and being involved in the synagogues, enjoying the rising number of kosher restaurants, and even participating in events at our community centers, we stuck together and we stuck to Judaism. 

However, as many of us came to learn, the rest of the world does not share our values, and upon stepping outside the boundaries of our wonderful enclave of warmth and tradition, it is easy to get swept away by the powerful current of the surrounding culture. Once we leave the spiritual “safety zone” of our community, we run the risk of losing sight of what really matters. Spiritual alienation on college campuses is a real, prevalent phenomenon, and affects many of our youth in some way. 

This phenomenon is not new, but it has been significantly exacerbated by the eruption of anti-Israel and anti-Semitic protests on campuses around the United States. The environment has become more contentious in recent months, and it is easy to feel lost on campus, remote from our families and our community. 

As a recent graduate of Baruch College, currently enrolled in Cardozo Law School, I can attest to having personally dealt with this challenge. However, I realize that to fully understand the problem, I need to hear other people’s accounts and perspectives.  

Rabbi Alter Goldstein has been serving as head Chabad Rabbi of the University of Michigan for 26 years, and I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to speak with him about the sensitive, but crucially important, topic of the risks of spiritual alienation on college campuses. I express my deep gratitude as well to Rabbi Joey Haber, founder and head of the Kesher organization, which works with our community’s post-high school youth, not only for his insights, but also for personally coming to Baruch each week to teach Torah. 

The Game is Rigged 

“You’re coming in knowing that this isn’t an environment conducive to spirituality and religion,” Rabbi Goldstein says. He explains that college students are exposed to many different lures and influences, that come in the form of parties, weekend events like football games (often on Shabbat), and the reality that many schools have classes on Jewish holidays. The hedonistic nature of campus life, and the celebration of wanton indulgence, pose a serious challenge to the religiously-committed Jewish student.  

“It is hard to stay where you are, and even more difficult to grow,” Rabbi Goldstein observes. 

Away from family, synagogues and a communal structure, youngsters are likely to look for something else to latch onto. And with alluring activities at arms-length at all times, it’s only a matter of time until some compromises are made. 

But beyond the spiritual challenges posed by campus life, grave danger lurks inside the classroom, as well, where students are taught by professors with a secular worldview who select texts and devise curricula that promote their personal opinions and perspectives. Many professors come to the classroom with worldviews which are nothing short of appalling, and students are forced to listen to these foreign values presented as incontrovertible, enlightened truth. The young 18 or 19-year-old student has no easy way to oppose the older, academically-trained professor who speaks with authority as he or she tries to impose his beliefs on his or her students.  The student hears only the perspectives the agenda-driven professors provide, and is often lectured to about the validity of these ideas. If the student ignores it or tunes it all out, his or her academic performance will suffer. 

The game is rigged against the religious student. The professors control your final grade, so you have no choice to at least appear to agree with them. The problem is, with everyone appearing to agree, with papers being forced to be written in favor of these outrageous ideas, with the higher grades going to those who “buy in” the most, it becomes very difficult not to begin to see some validity in these completely invalid ideas. 

I experienced this many times during my years at Baruch, and, like others, I played the game. I appeared to agree, because I learned that when I didn’t, it would harm my grade. I wrote papers wholly in agreement with ideas that I despise. It required a great deal of detachment to pull that off. 

Reflecting on these two different challenges – the alluring campus life, and the foreign ideologies taught in the classroom – Rabbi Joey Haber observed that “the parties are a bigger challenge than the ideas,” because “the parties are more attractive than the ideas are.” 

At the same time, however, Rabbi Haber believes that the ideological damage can often prove to be more permanent.  He says that in his experience, it’s easier to pull someone back into the community if the main issue is the parties or the lifestyle. When it comes to the foreign ideas, though, “while they are more difficult to get trapped by, they are much harder to be pulled from.” 

Rabbi Goldstein added that students today seem more apathetic and nonchalant about their connection to Judaism. Resisting the spiritually hostile forces that abound requires strength and fortitude, and, unfortunately, many students simply lack the religious passion and commitment to exert this kind of effort. 

Time Constraints 

Another important factor to consider is the limits on a student’s time. Most youngsters who enroll in college do so in order to prepare for what they hope will be a successful professional career, and so, naturally, they take their studies very seriously and want to get good grades. Pursuing academic excellence of course necessitates the investment of a great deal of time – which makes meeting one’s religious obligations a difficult struggle. 

When I started studying at Baruch, I was living in an apartment in Kips Bay, around a 20-minute walk to the nearest synagogue, which had only one minyan in the morning, at 6:45am. As the weather got colder, this walk became less feasible. My family was all the way back in Deal, and I would see them only on weekends. And so I found myself isolated from my support systems, being forced to fend for myself in an unfamiliar world. 

One day, I had to wake up extra early to get to my 7am writing class. Like I had done the day before, I said I would come back to my apartment after the class ended at 9am so I could pray at a (somewhat) reasonable time. I came back, but I had homework to take care of before my history class at 10:45. I did the homework and then left, walking back in at around 1pm. An essay was due at 11:59 that night. I ate lunch and then sat down to work on my essay. I was tired, as I had a long day up to that point, and long nights that entire week. I closed my eyes at around 2pm and woke up again at 4:45. It was getting a little darker out, and I made myself some coffee to wake up. All the while, I felt like I was forgetting something, but had no clue what it was. 

It took me a few minutes to realize that I hadn’t put on tefillin yet. I immediately scrambled to get it on before the day ended, ashamed of myself, but too much in a rush to think too much about it. The sun hadn’t set by the time I got my tefillin on, so I did not actually “miss the day,” but this was a close call that rattled me and made me realize that I needed to change something about my situation. I moved out of the apartment a few weeks later and moved in with my grandparents in Brooklyn. The daily subway ride was annoying, but I was making minyan. 

For some college kids, keeping kosher is a problem – especially in colleges with limited availability of kosher food. Rabbi Goldstein says that in the case of Michigan, while kosher food is available, it is still a big challenge for people, adding, “I don’t know what they do for their personal life” in terms of kashrut. 

Thankfully, this was never an issue for me, partly because I had easy access to kosher food, but also because twice a week, Kesher brought kosher food for the students who attended their classes. In fact, Rabbi Haber says, this is one of the organization’s objectives. 

Responding to my question of why Kesher comes to colleges, Rabbi Haber explains, “We have a chance to give them kosher food easily, inspire students, bring them together, give them a sense of community, and give them an opportunity to pray.” 

Staying Close to Your Network 

What, then, is the solution? What strategies are available to a young man or woman from the community who goes off to college? 

First and foremost, Rabbi Goldstein strongly recommends learning for a year in Israel before college, even if no college credits are earned during that year. The experience of immersing oneself in our sacred texts in the Holy Land provides a degree of fortification that can help a youngster withstand the spiritual challenges posed by college life. 

And while in college, the student needs to gird himself with strength and confidence. 

“The number one thing I tell them is that they’re a leader, not a follower,” Rabbi Goldstein says. The student must realize that he charts his own course, rather than blindly following the crowd. 

Furthermore, students should try to keep their education close to home.  

While acknowledging that certain colleges offer a better education in some areas than others (Michigan, for example, is renowned for its engineering program), both Rabbi Goldstein and Rabbi Haber say if you want to keep the values you grew up with, stay close to your family and your network, and strongly consider close-to-home options. 

It is not uncommon for a community youngster to face the decision between an out-of-town college which specializes in his or her field of choice, and a less prestigious institution that is located nearby and offers the option of commuting from home. Rabbi Goldstein unhesitatingly and strongly recommends the second option. 

“Especially in today’s day and age, staying closer to home is so important,” he says. “Specifically in the Sephardic world, there’s a very, very strong family-oriented atmosphere.” 

Rabbi Haber concurs, explaining, “When you’re closer to home, your family, your shuls and your friends are surrounding you – and all three of those are a great guide to your life.” 

I can relate to this. After a while, I left Brooklyn and just started commuting directly from Deal every day. I adjusted my schedule to make it reasonably work, and took Metro Park into the city. I felt spiritually connected in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time, and got more involved in my local synagogue, taking part in planning and helping out on Shabbat. This coincided with the rise of the hate-filled anti-Israel protests on campus, so I was glad to come home, away from all the chaos. Staying close to home, to your family, friends, and shul, is the best way to maintain one’s spiritual connection. 

Additionally, Rabbi Haber says, the college that appears to best prepare the youngster for his or her career might not necessarily turn out to be the best choice.  

“It’s very hard to predict how your career is going to go, and even harder to know in advance what will be better for your career.” It’s simply not worth it to risk one’s spiritual connection for the sake of studying at a school which might potentially offer long-term career benefits. 

Fighting Fire with Fire 

Strange as this might sound, it is important also to “fight back” when this is necessary and possible, to find creative solutions to problems created by the college system. 

In my final semester, Baruch threw me a curveball: it required me to find and complete an internship at a communications company in order to graduate. As I was nearing the finish line, about to complete a four-year degree in only two years, and having just been admitted to Cardozo, I had zero interest in getting bogged down by more red tape.  

Earlier, I mentioned that to succeed in college, you have to play their game. But while this is generally true, with enough skill and determination, you can beat the system and come out on top. 

“How are you guys with nonprofits?” I asked. 

“We’re good with non-profits,” They answered. “Just send us an approval letter.” 

And so, instead of working at a company of their choosing, which would likely bring with it some degree of spiritual compromise, I walked into my local synagogue and got a volunteer job as an assistant twice a week. I restructured my schedule to Zoom classes on those days, and suddenly, I was only going into the city two days a week. The other two days? I was working in the synagogue, giving back to my community, all on a school-accredited internship. For all the punches they’ve thrown at me, it felt good to land one of my own. 

Spiritual alienation is a battle. You are in a fight to keep your values, to keep close to your community, even as outside forces seek to rip you away from it. But do not for a moment think that this battle cannot be won. Be proactive. Be creative. Fight fire with fire. Start a minyan on campus. Find a havruta with whom to learn daf yomi. Build something into your daily routine that strengthens your connection to your heritage. 

And what if a student was already alienated, drifting away from religious commitment, and now wishes to return? 

“If it’s a girl, find a religious mentor, and if it’s a boy, find a rabbi to learn with,” Rabbi Haber says. 

Rabbi Goldstein’s message to college students is: “Try to be an inspiration to others.”  

People have tremendous respect for those who adhere to their values, even through hardship. If you win this battle, and remain steadfastly committed even in the face of the pressures on campus, you will be a role model to others, and you will have set yourself on the path to success in all areas of life, having gained invaluable experience in the art of struggle and triumphing over adversity.  

Don’t stop fighting to maintain your fealty to the traditions of our community. You can do this!

Mozelle Forman 

By nature, humans are curious.  Little three-year-olds begin asking: why?  Why is the sky blue?  Why are trees green?  Why can’t I have another cookie?  We need, and therefore demand, answers to our questions even when any answer given will not satisfy us.  Have you ever met a three-year-old who responded, “That makes sense,” when his mother explained why he couldn’t have another cookie?  As adults, we continue asking why as if everything had a reasonable explanation.  Why did I not get that job?  Why am I not married yet?  Why did my loved one die?  No answer will suffice.  No response will assuage our loss, grief, and pain.   

In our Rosh Hashana prayers, we acknowledge that “the secret things belong to Hashem.”  Hashem does not reveal the secret things. He does not offer an explanation or answer our questions as to why.  We are told that Hashem runs the world and we must accept His will. And while we can accept His secrets and His decree, acceptance does not mean we will not feel a sense of loss, grief, emptiness, and pain when we lose a loved one.  Acceptance and pain are not mutually exclusive.  And grieving is not a sign that we lack emunah.   

There Is No One Way to Deal with Loss 

Grief is the normal emotional response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one.  Grief is highly personal and is experienced differently by everyone.  Men and women grieve differently and teens and children mourn differently than adults.  There is no “right” way to deal with loss.  

Knowing this will allow us to be more compassionate with ourselves and with those around us who are grieving.  Because grief has many facets, one may experience many conflicting emotions, such as feeling scared, relieved, resentful, or guilty – all in the same day.  You may at times feel nothing at all.  You may feel like crying or you may not be able to cry at all.  There may also be times when you feel angry at the person who has died.  I have heard many a widow lament, “Why did he leave me?”  Because a death will always trigger our most vulnerable feelings of abandonment, your anger does not mean you did not love the person you lost. Just the opposite is true. Your anger can be an expression of how connected you were to them.  Moreover, your feelings do not need to make sense to anyone else. These are just feelings and having them is normal. Even though you are hurting, you may want a little respite when you can have fun or laugh for a while. This is not a betrayal of your loved one.   

While grief is the emotional response to a loss, mourning is the expression of deep sorrow. Mourning practices differ among cultures  Our Torah outlines the specific practices one should follow when mourning a close loved one, beginning with the seven-day shiva period. Our sages understood that in the immediate aftermath of a loss, one is inconsolable, as it states in Pirkei Avot 4:23: “Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar said, ‘Do not console him [your fellow Jew] while his dead lies before him.”  During this time, one is still overcoming the shock and distress of the loss and finds comfort by being surrounded by friends and family who speak of their loved one who has died.  Stories told during shiva may trigger memories of the person who has died, both happy and sad.  These memories help one stay connected to the person who died. Although the loved one has died the relationship has not. 

Disorientation After a Loss 

In his masterful work, Consolation (Jewish Publication Society, 2005), Rabbi Norman Lamm describes what happens to a mourner before reaching grief’s fifth and final stage: acceptance. “We experience an uncommon confusion – not necessarily delirium or chaos, or even bewilderment, but rather dislocation, a form of discontinuity. We sense that something is out of sync, but we cannot quite decode it. During our loved one’s lifetime, we were safe within a circumference of images and memories – the departed and the family and our friends – and now this world is simply not the same. We are disoriented.” 

Disorientation is a by-product of our grief. We are likely to become bewildered and disconnected from our normal routine, our normal lives. The loved one for whom we grieve was part of a stable picture in a frame that included us, and now that frame is broken. The picture is torn, and we struggle to deal with the new reality – a reality that no longer includes our loved one – in person.  Facing the world after loss feels like the phantom limb phenomenon, where one experiences feeling in a limb that has been severed. The loss is always with you.    

Learning from Our Ancestors 

The Torah relates the very different mourning processes of our sages.  In Parashat Chaye Sarah, the Torah describes that “Avraham withdrew to mourn Sarah and to weep for her.”  When Yaacov learned of the death of his beloved son Yoseph – even though it was a lie – the Book of Bereishit narrates that he was bereft and refused to be comforted (Bereishit 37:35). We learn from this that Hashem does send comfort to mourners – who are morning someone who has actually died.  

When Aharon is told about the death of his sons Nadab and Abihu, the Torah writes he did not respond – “vayidom Aharon.”  He was silent. Parashat Chukat describes the death of Miriam and Aharon. Bnei Yisrael mourned for each of them for thirty days.  And in our last parasha, the death and mourning for Moshe Rabbeinu is described. After thirty days of mourning the Torah states: “then the days of weeping and mourning for Moshe were at an end” (Devarim 34:8).  While the Torah relates a usual timeframe for mourning of thirty days, this relates to the “formal” mourning period. The emotional grief that one experiences may, and usually will, last longer than we imagine.  

Everyone’s Way of Mourning Is Individual 

It is important to recognize that your natural response to loss and grief is the right response for you. It does not matter what you or others expect. It does not matter what conventional wisdom dictates. The way you grieve is the way you need to grieve.  David Kessler, author and grief specialist writes, “We live in a culture that does not know how to grieve.  We live in a society that wants us to get back to normal as soon as possible.  We’re expected to keep moving, to get on with our lives.  We may have those expectations of ourselves. But it doesn’t work that way.” 

Some mental health practitioners go so far as to say that grief counseling is a waste of time and money. Since everyone has their own unique way of grieving, it is impossible for a counselor to pinpoint the specifics of that person’s grief, let alone recommend how to cope with it. This insight is crucial if we are to understand a mourner’s mindset. Everyone grieves differently, no matter what circumstances cause the grief. 

Just as we struggle to get to the acceptance of the loss of a loved one, we must strive to accept our personal and individual style of grief.  We need to give ourselves permission to feel the pain, without worrying that it will overwhelm or overcome us.  Grief often brings the sense of loss of control.  We could not control the outcome of our loved one’s illness.  We could not control the circumstances that brought about a tragic, untimely death.  Yet, even during dark bouts of grief, we still possess the dignity of choice.  We can make choices about what activities we attend, join, and do – and what we cannot – to help reinstate some of that loss of control.  

The Road to Healing  

Humans are wired for connection and a death is the ultimate disconnect from a loved one. Grief intensifies feelings of loneliness, which often leads to isolation. It is difficult, but important, not to remove yourself from others’ lives.  Although we do not want to constantly hear, “How are you doing?” prompting us to lie that we are okay for the sake of the other, do not isolate yourself.  Be honest about your feelings.  If someone took the initiative to ask, then they care enough to hear your sincere response.  And, although this is difficult in the best of circumstances, try to communicate your needs.  Some days you may want company and distraction and some days you may wish to be left alone.  You alone get to decide the amount of interaction that feels comfortable for you. 

Grief is an all-consuming emotion that leaves us feeling vulnerable and weak. We become fearful that we will be overcome with grief and will never recover.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who identified five stages of grief that everyone endures – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She emphasized: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”     

May Hashem send comfort and solace to all that need. 

Esther Levy-Chehebar 

Back when SBH was in its infancy and the only uniting principle was to visit the sick and elderly in hospitals, Fred Bijou walked into the room of a man he respected very much; there he found Hacham David Shammah in a “snake pit” ward, surrounded by seven other patients. The situation was intolerable to Fred. He realized he needed to do something, ASAP. In addition to mobilizing more volunteers, SBH’s financial committee – as it was then called – began fundraising. It wasn’t easy. Many did not believe that such poverty existed in our community, let alone the very real pandemic of loneliness. Others were ashamed to admit that they knew somebody in need or were resistant to the idea all together. With tenacity and perseverance, SBH was finally able to raise the funds and move Hacham David Shammah home as well as hire a nurse to care for him. And SBH as we know it was born. 

As of 2023, SBH houses over a dozen divisions which address everything from fertility to career choice to medical and senior services. There are over 75 therapists in SBH’s employ and the organization fields, on average, 300 calls a week from community members in need of assistance. At times, it can feel impossible to identify which moments propelled SBH from one stratosphere to the next. But one thing is certain: the SBH of today exists because somebody knocked on a stranger’s door.

“Fred Bijou created something from nothing, and he did it with a lot of pushback.” – Barbara Matalon  

Mickey’s List   

Barbara Matalon and Gloria Bijou are a part of SBH’s DNA. They began visiting patients in the hospital together with their husbands, and were present at those very first meetings in Fred Bijou’s living room. At the time, Barbara Matalon was just twenty-two years old and had three young babies at home. Still, SBH’s mission was a calling she could not walk away from.  

Barbara had been doing hospital visits for a few months when Mickey Kairey’s list changed everything. Mickey and Barbara were in the car on the way home from a hospital visit when he turned to her and said, “You know, there are people at home that you really need to visit. Start with this one.” Mickey had been entrusted with a list of widows and orphans that originated from Ma’oz La’ebyon in Syria. Quietly, and on his own, Mickey had been taking care of scores of people, community members who were privately suffering, hidden from the mainstream. Together with Linda Benun and Gloria Bijou, Barbara Matalon began taking on cases from that original list.  

From Hospitals to Homes: Hidden in Plain View  

Every SBH client was connected to a mainstream community person in some way or another; it just wasn’t spoken about. Not only that, many were skeptical that the need for a social services organization in our community existed at all.  

On their very first home visit, Barbara and Linda trekked up five flights of stairs to visit an elderly woman with no siblings. With no hired help or childcare at home,  Barbara and Linda brought their babies along, as they would continue to do on most visits. The client, a 97-year-old lovely lady who stood no taller than four feet tall, opened the door with great excitement, “You came to visit me? How lucky am I!” Barbara still remembers how the woman cooked an entire shabbat meal in countless tiny pots, all for herself. “Everything was a beracha to her.” Barbara recalled. 

The pair did everything from offer mental and physical support, to washing dishes… 

Barbara recalled one particularly difficult visit: “We rolled up our sleeves and began scrubbing pots as [the client] lay under piles of covers because she had no heat. There were tins of cat food all over the floor and no cat to be found. When we asked her why she simply replied: ‘Because it’s cheaper.’” 

“The captains would catch things. One woman was smart enough to realize her client had a stroke when nobody else had noticed. Indeed, he did have one and was able to get help.” – Barbara Matalon  

Seeing Results in Real Time 

On another hard visit, Barbara and Linda decided to leave their children at home. They knew that this case would be tough, even for them. They knocked on Rosie’s door, but nobody answered. They knocked some more, and could hear shuffling coming from the other side of the door. They continued to wait until finally, Rosie had dragged herself across the floor to open the door. The sight was shocking. The floor was soiled and the apartment was a mess. But Linda and Barbara continued the visit and told Rosie that they would be back again next week. The following week they knocked on the door, expecting the same wait and litter on the other side. Instead, Rosie answered the door immediately, fully dressed, her makeup and hair done. The apartment was completely clean. In just one week they had seen what their visit had done for this client.  

“Every day we would say, ‘we have to get ‘x’ done, we would go one quarter of the way and Hashem would take us the next three quarters.” – Barbara Matalon  

SBH was barely a year old when Passover rolled around, and the harsh reality that many clients would not be able to have a seder, materialized. 

What would it take to make a seder plate for each one? The team wondered. Ideas began firing off at all cylinders.  

We’ll make the berachot!  

Gloria will cook the meals!  

What would it cost?  

$2,000: Money they didn’t have.  

The next day, Fred Bijou opened his mail slot to find a banker’s check for $2,000. They never found out where it came from. But in the years that followed small miracles like this would happen time and time again, helping SBH attain the unattainable.  

The Home Visit Crew Recruits Volunteers  

Barbara, Linda, Gloria, and Sandy Esses all juggled young families while visiting 1-2 times a week. They realized they needed to recruit more volunteers. Barbara soon had seventy women in her living room eager to help. Hacham Baruch’s wife was one of them. Gloria Bijou’s mother-in-law was another.  

The Youth Get Involved  

During the early days of visiting SBH operated out of its original office at 530 Avenue R. Linda and Gloria decided to try and involve the high school students by prompting them to make Purim packages. This led to the students delivering the packages and paying a visit at the same time. It’s difficult to imagine just how revolutionary this was. Today, there are countless community organizations and individuals who make and deliver packages for any and all occasions. However back then, it wasn’t nearly as common, if at all! The kids were inspired to do hesed and learned invaluable life skills in the process; how to be compassionate, respectful and inclusive of those different from you.  

50^th Anniversary Gala 

On Monday, November 18^th, SBH is hosting its 50^th Anniversary Gala honoring the past and current presidents of SBH. To learn more about the dinner and journal sponsorship opportunities, contact Charles@sbhonline.org or visit www.sbh50.com. 

Rabbi David Sutton & Dr. David Katzenstein, LCSW-R 

If we watch an exciting and engaging video for two hours, during that time we’re so engrossed, so detached from reality, that none of the thoughts that usually run through our mind are present. Our brain is, in a way, shut off. It is basically not working. We are no longer aware of reality, and are aware only of the images flitting across the screen. As we watch and listen, we are using two of our senses, hearing and seeing.  

Imagine a more advanced types of movie, which causes us to use more of our senses, where we can smell or perhaps even taste the popcorn the characters are eating, or even feel what’s taking place on the screen. For example, our chair may shake during an earthquake in the movie.  

But we still have our mind. 

Now, imagine if the movie is so advanced that when the characters were scared we would feel fear. The movie would be in full control of our brain. 

That’s Life 

That’s life. We get drawn into it as if into a movie, but actually it is only our perception. In reality, life is merely a video, where nothing is really happening. We can choose to pull out and ignore everything. We can choose to not allow the screen to take command over us, to not become emotionally involved.  

In life, we can pull back.  

Increasing Awareness 

Developing increased awareness of our thoughts and emotions can be a powerful tool for self-improvement and personal growth. One way to start is through the practice of mindfulness. This involves focusing on the present moment, without judgment, and paying attention to our internal experiences.   

Another way to increase awareness is through journaling and self-reflection. Writing down our thoughts and emotions can help us gain insight into patterns and habits, and can help us to  understand the root causes of our feelings 

Most of us have heard stories of great rabbis who remained totally engrossed in their learning or their prayers while the world was collapsing around them. They had total focus on their avodat Hashem, not on what was going on around them.  

Along similar lines, people employ breathing techniques to effect natural pain relief, such as using the Lamaze method in childbirth. By concentrating on her breathing, in and out, in and out, the laboring woman distracts herself from the pain.  

Identifying with Things Outside of Ourselves 

There are multiple ways of identifying ourselves with factors that are not really us.  

Rav Wolbe tells a story that took place decades ago in Israel. The government wanted to incentivize the ultra-Orthodox to join the army – or to punish them for not joining. At a certain point, a young man could not receive his driver’s license unless he served in the army. Obviously, this caused quite an uproar in the yeshivah world. The yeshivah boys wanted to be able to obtain their licenses, and eventually, the law was rescinded. 

While all this was going on, Rav Wolbe was thinking, What’s the big uproar? What’s the great need for licenses? In his view, yeshivah bachurim have no need to drive a car. They could take a bus or ride a bicycle. What is the need for a car? With his philosophical approach, Rav Wolbe posited that when a person drives a car, he identifies with his car. His self becomes larger. When you sit behind the wheel in a small sports car and go from zero to 60 in a few seconds, that surge of energy somehow identifies with you. 

It is a fascinating concept when you think about it, though it is basically false. When people go on vacations and rent luxury cars, sitting behind the wheel of a Rolls Royce or a Bentley, they suddenly feel more important. They identify themselves with that car.  

Pleasure Points vs. True Happiness 

There is a significant error in this type of thinking, as it is based on a vital misconception between two distinct experiences: pleasure points and true happiness. Pleasure points are temporary moments of enjoyment or satisfaction that come from external factors, such as driving a fancy car, eating a delicious meal, buying a new item, or experiencing a thrill. They bring a momentary boost in excitement and pleasure, which can be mistaken for happiness. But they do not create a lasting sense of fulfillment.  

On the other hand, true happiness is a deep-seated and enduring sense of contentment and fulfillment, which comes from within. It is most often related to a sense of purpose, meaningful relationships, and personal growth. True happiness is not dependent on external circumstances, and can be sustained even in the face of challenges and difficulties. 

We can identify ourselves with many things. And just like we can become engrossed in that movie, we can become engrossed in the movie of life, instead of peeling away the layers of the onion, so to say, to get to who we really are.