There are so many things to consider when talking about this crucially important topic. One of them is that before we look at our kids’ use of technology, we have to first look at ourselves and the example we are setting for them.  

Of course, this is easier said than done. We don’t want our kids to spend as much time on screens as we do, but what can we possibly expect when they see our faces in our phones day in, and day out? 

Recently, my daughters’ school invited the parents to a talk by Rabbi Joey Haber titled, “Tech Talk.” His speech really got me thinking,  and I’m sure every parent in the room took something away from it, too. The school urged us to put something into practice already that same night while we were inspired, as we otherwise may never get around to it. They even brought a rabbi from TAG to filter phones right there and then.  

Filters aren’t a solution for people like me who use phones for business, but there was something else that I was able to do. The rabbi informed us that iPhones have a setting called “Screen Time” which can log and – if you set it to – limit the amount of time you spend on certain apps. My main goal is to give my kids my full attention when they are around, and to avoid conveying the  message that screen addiction is just fine once you become an adult… And so I decided to put in place a number of realistic boundaries. I set limits on my use of certain non-essential apps to three hours. Every weekday from 4-7pm – from around the time my kids get home until around the time they go to sleep – my apps go from their normal vibrant colors to a darker version. If I click on one of them (which is basically habit at this point), I get a reminder that these are screen-limit hours, and I am asked if I wish to exit the app, or ignore the screen limit and go ahead with the app, either for a certain amount of time or for the rest of the day. This feature has been very helpful for me and, by extension, for my children, reminding me to be present with them. From 4-7pm, my phone no longer rings with useless notifications sucking me back in when I should be attentive to my kids. 

I asked community members via my Instagram what they do to protect their kids from an abundance of screen time. Here’s what they had to say. 

Allison H. Bailey 

We’ve put several rules in place to try to safeguard our children from the technology we have in our homes. First, we have parental controls and passwords on the TV and on our phones. When they’re looking at our phones, they’re monitored; we’re looking along with them, or we make sure they’re watching something educational. We recently decided to get a Kindle instead of iPads so the  kids watch less TV and play more educational games, and so that we can place parental controls in place and monitor their use. My husband is getting to the point of wanting to eliminate all TV so that the kids don’t turn into mindless zombies.

Two weeks later: 

The Kindle with a password and parental controls is really working out beautifully. They haven’t watched TV during the week at all, and it’s really functioning nicely. We stopped allowing TV watching on weekdays because our son found out the password and began watching whenever he wanted. During the week, they play educational games on their Kindle, but it’s only games that we download, and the Kindle itself has a password that only me and my husband know, so it’s not a free-for-all.  

Freda B. Sasson 

I’m so happy you’re having a discussion this topic. For years, I’ve been searching for a filter besides TAG, and I haven’t been able to find one that I like where the parent can have control. My problem with the community filters is they don’t trust the parents to have control; if I want to buy pajamas online, I have to call a random rabbi somewhere to unlock the device. For this reason, I have no filters. On the other hand, I think kids need filters, but when I called the SAFE parenting division to see what they suggest (they’ve had some lectures over the past couple years about children and technology, so I thought they might have some advice), they recommended not installing filters, saying that the kids will just get around them, Instead, I was told, we need to teach kids what to avoid.  

I think both sides of the spectrum are not working well for the regular mainstream community family. I’ve posted many times asking if anyone can recommend a filter, and all the responses shared what I am already aware of, none of which I find to be useful, such as programs which just send the parents annoying reports about the sites that their children visit. Our community definitely needs a more parent-friendly internet filter solution!

Mollie Elbaz Briskman 

For years now, I’ve been trying to figure out how to strike the right balance when it comes to technology. I believe that screen-time should be limited to the least amount possible, but I also feel that technology can be such a useful educational tool if it is utilized properly. For example, I allow my kids to watch old shows with extensive vocabulary lessons, and simple-life situations made fun. And, considering the world we live in today, I find it disadvantageous to keep children away from technology entirely. Moreover, my home is considered a “smart home,” so tech is everywhere you turn. This has actually enhanced my son’s knowledge in some pretty fantastic ways. We have Echo devices around the home, all which have been set up to have child filters and passcodes on them, so my son is able to get general and clean information on his own. He has thus learned to navigate through the internet in the safest way available. 

I can view everything my son does from the history, which allows me to give him the space to make decisions on his own, while giving me peace of mind. Of course, this is not a perfect solution by any means; it’s still trial-and-error. I’ve had many pounds of chocolate chips “accidentally” ordered to my house…but we’ve tried to create learning experiences through it all.  

I will admit that it can be overwhelming trying to find the right balance, especially when you catch them late at night learning how to make chocolate brownies from Martha Stewart… but at least I know what to do with all these chocolate chips now! 

Ida Levy 

From the day my kids got their phones, we always charge them overnight in a public space like the kitchen. I don’t think kids – especially teenagers – should have their phones in their rooms at night, because the phones make it so tempting to stay up all hours of the night. And, it’s much healthier to put your phone away 30-60 minutes before you go to sleep, as this helps you get better quality sleep. 

Also, late at night is when kids get into the most trouble on the internet, whether it’s social media, bullying, or inappropriate activity. Giving them privacy throughout the night is just not a good idea. Furthermore, phones are very addictive, so it’s a good idea to set a “power down time,” whenever that may be, when they walk away from it. Another reason is that friends text at all hours and kids have major FOMO (fear of missing out), so they rarely turn off alerts. Overnight alerts disrupt their sleep. 

I try not to let it bother me when my kids tell me that none of their friends have these guidelines. All it means is that I’m being a better mother. 

Margo Cohen  

When it comes to technology and my kids, I can tell you this: I don’t have a computer for them to use, I don’t own any tablets, and I don’t have a TV. Instead of wasting away in front of screens, my kids are involved in creative activities such as arts-and-crafts and outdoor play. They climb trees, go on the swings, play in the basement, and call their friends using a landline… They get creative for entertainment like the good ‘ol days. When they see me on my phone scrolling through Instagram, they all huddle around me because its action, just like TV, so I purposely stopped scrolling on my phone when I’m with them.  

In my opinion, technology is the worst thing for kids. Of course, it is helpful in certain areas, but when you’re buying a small screen to shove directly into your child’s face so you don’t have to be bothered with entertaining them, it has repercussions. Kids these days don’t know how to socialize; they don’t have a social life like we used to. They don’t know how to properly communicate because of all this technology that they are bombarded with already at a young age when their brains are developing and they are learning about the world. I see such a difference in behavior between my kids who have minimal screen time and other kids who have access to screens daily. 

When we visit family members who have a TV, I allow my kids to watch along with their relatives as long as it’s a show I deem harmless. If it’s something I don’t approve of, I ask that it be changed, but I don’t demand they shut the TV because we are there. Sometimes the kids ask to go to my mom’s house, and I know that they’re asking because they want to watch TV. I don’t blame them – screens are very addictive. I have a computer for my work and they don’t have access to it; I don’t give them the password. In the past, I would show them an Uncle Moishy video on my computer, and when it was over, when I tried shutting the computer, they insisted “One more! One more!” and then they went crazy, not knowing how to entertain themselves. So I stopped even doing that. When they want music, I put Spotify on my phone. They can listen; they don’t need to watch. 

This morning, my kids were building towers with magna tiles, and it was incredible. I remember when I was young, we just watched TV until the bus came. I got the TV out of the house early on so my kids never grew up with easy access to screens, whereas my friend’s kids would watch TV and act crazy. One day, she decided enough was enough, and she dismounted her TV screen and put books in its stead. She reported that the adjustment was very difficult for the first couple of weeks, but as time went on, they not only learned to entertain themselves, but they also became generally a lot calmer and better behaved. It was very difficult at first, because they were used to completely tuning out and watching TV, and so their brains weren’t used to relaxing with books and coloring. I don’t think this is the generation we want for the future leaders of Judaism, so every Jewish home needs to have this conversation – what small steps we can take to protect our kids from technology that so desperately wants to enter our homes and influence our lives.   

Marlene H. Levy 

I truly believe that the most important way to protect our kids against technology is to have a rule that children tell you their passwords for all devices. This way you can spot check what they are doing whenever you want. Another rule is no phones or laptops in their room after bedtime. I don’t believe in TVs in their room, either, or gaming devices, of course. Movies and shows must be watched in public areas of the house so we see or hear what they are watching. Nowadays, phones and laptops turn into TV and movie screens, and there’s no end to technology. It’s here with us, so we parents need to monitor it as best we can. 

***** 

This topic is very personal – solutions that work for one family are not necessarily the right solutions for others. My primary objective in doing this article is to encourage parents to have the conversation, to consider what we can be doing better in this area. Don’t accept the status quo for our children; they deserve better.  

I believe that although there are countless detrimental effects that we already know about, the full extent of the damage wrought by technology and social media are yet to be seen. I don’t make this comment with the intention of fear mongering, and I won’t list the frightening statistics about depression and other effects of excessive use of technology. Deep down, we know what is and isn’t right for our children. The most important thing is to acknowledge that technology is a force to be reckoned with, and to make a game plan that works for you.  

Until next time, Frieda 

Check Frieda out on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto.  

Dr. Yossi Shafer

…or does it? 

If anger doesn’t exist, you counter, why can I tell you about 10 times I’ve gotten angry in the last week or so? 

I got angry at my son when he talked back to me. 

I got angry at my husband when he didn’t buy the one thing that I specifically asked for. 

I got angry at my coworker when he dropped the ball on an important project. 

I got angry at my sister for skipping her visit to our mother. 

I got angry at the driver in front of me when he cut me off. 

So obviously anger exists! 

And you’d be right. Anger exists. But its real definition is very different from how you see it. 

Most of us consider anger as one of the basic emotions. When you examine anger more closely, you’ll discover that it’s not an emotion at all – it’s a reaction, a protective measure, a secondary response to another emotion. 

When Does Anger Arise? 

Anger is what surfaces when we “man up” and quash our emotions, when we’re hesitant to express – or to experience – what we’re actually feeling, when we’re uncomfortable with our true emotions. This happens completely subconsciously, but when you find yourself feeling angry, dig deeper and you’ll likely be surprised by what you discover. 

Have you ever seen two little kids embroiled in a serious fight? They’re red-faced and furious, slinging insults (or fists) at each other, their voices at ear-splitting decibel levels. That’s the very picture of anger, right? Break up the fight and see what happens. Chances are, 30 seconds later you’ll have a couple of crying kids blubbering about their hurt feelings. He ruined the game I worked so hard to set up! She called me a stupid head! I was trying to help and he didn’t let me play! 

When the in-the-moment anger is removed from the equation, the real feelings – or primary emotions, such as hurt, guilt, rejection, sadness – have a chance to rise to the surface. 

Anger serves as a highly effective defense mechanism that is useful when we suppress our real feelings, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. It takes vulnerability to express to your wife, “I feel uncared for and unloved when dinner isn’t ready when I come home. I can prepare my own dinner, but I really need your care and support.” Anger effectively minimizes and suppresses that painful vulnerability. The angry response will sound more like: “I’ve been working nonstop all day, while you were just home doing nothing, and you couldn’t even heat up the leftovers for me.”  

What’s Beneath Our Anger? 

When you start feeling angry – when your teeth clench, your muscles tense, your face heats up, your heart starts to race – stop, tune in, and ask yourself: what am I really feeling right now? What’s making me feel angry? Am I offended? Irritated? Embarrassed? Disrespected? 

This is an important skill for dealing with others who are angry as well. When someone yells at you or starts an argument, it’s easy to slip into your own anger, which accomplishes nothing – or worse. But when you take a moment to examine the angry person’s real feelings, you seize the opportunity to achieve real understanding and problem-solving. 

As we discussed in the previous article, “doing nothing” is one of the most valuable parenting “techniques” you can add to your arsenal, and “nothing” is largely defined by tuning into your child’s feelings. The anger-is-a-secondary-emotion concept is lifechanging when dealing with an angry, sullen, or unreasonable child – especially a teen – who seems to explode whenever you talk to him or her. 

The effects are twofold: firstly, you’ll be able to see past your child’s anger to find what’s really lurking beneath it. Is he feeling hurt? Is she constantly feeling misunderstood? Afraid? Overwhelmed? Instead of tuning in his “emotion” of anger, you understand what’s driving his behavior and address that appropriately. 

Secondly, you’ll delve deeper into your own emotions and reactions. It’s easy to slip into anger when your child is angry at you, but if you take the time to think about how you really feel – stressed, helpless, resentful, exasperated – then you’ll be able to move forward effectively. The way that you react to your child’s actions reflects on you and your own emotions, insecurities, strengths, and shortcomings, and the best way to become a better parent – and a better person – is to get to know yourself. 

This may sound simple, but it takes a lot of effort and practice. In the upcoming articles, we’ll explore specific examples and strategies for overcoming anger. 

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net. 

A Look at the Robots Available Today and A Glimpse of the Robots of Tomorrow

Today’s market features an impressive variety of robots that are ready to help people with errands around the house, perform tasks in the workplace, and assist students in the classroom. 

In addition to home robots that can clean your house, there are educational robots that can help students with their homework and teach valuable learning skills. There are also pet, companion, and assistant robots made to entertain and to provide companionship.  

Even more remarkably, some innovative companies are developing hi-tech robots that will assist doctors and patients in hospitals, work with astronauts in space, and fight as soldiers on the battlefield! 

It seems all but inevitable that in the near future, anyone will be able purchase an inexpensive robot as their very own personal assistant. We thought it would be fun to take a look at some of the most remarkable robots available today, and to take a peek at some of the robots of tomorrow. 

 PERSONAL ROBOTS

Caption: Ubtech Robotics Walker 

Walker is a biped robot (walks on two feet) designed to deliver a home butler service and help with day-to-day operations in the home and workplace. Its capabilities include climbing stairs, serving drinks, and hanging up your clothes. Walker can also help with video calls and conferencing, and can serve as your own personal security patrol. 

Aeolus 

Aeolus is a general-purpose consumer robot designed to assist around the house with daily chores. It is capable of picking up clutter around the house, delivering food, and finding lost objects. Aeolus also boasts Artificial Intelligence that helps it to learn about your life, your routine, and the layout of your home, so it can serve you even better.

NURSING CARE ROBOTS 

Robots now have a variety of uses in healthcare, helping humans extend beyond what we can naturally and safely do ourselves. The use of these types of robots continues to develop rapidly in surgery and other areas of medicine, enabling health care providers to focus on engaging with and caring for patients.  

Robots in operating rooms and clinics are already becoming the norm, marking just one of many ways healthcare continues to push the boundaries of technology. 

Robear 

Robear is a high-tech nursing care robot. It can of perform tasks such as lifting a patient from a bed into a wheelchair, and helping a patient who needs assistance to stand up. As its name suggests, Robear resembles a teddy bear.   

Romeo 

Romeo is a humanoid-sized robot that is designed and built to assist the elderly. It is able to open doors, to climb stairs and to reach for objects. In the future, this clever bot may enable the elderly to continue living independently in their own homes rather than being forced into moving to assisted living.  

INDUSTRIAL ROBOTS 

Robots in Restaurants   

Many restaurant owners anticipate robots becoming mainstream in the very near future, performing tasks such as cleaning, food service, preparation, and hosting. 

 Nao 

Tokyo-Mitsubishi UFJ is Japan’s largest bank, and it employs robots. Nao is a bipedal android that speaks over 20 languages. It assists customers with opening accounts, money transfers, and ATM transactions. Nao provides services and tasks that human employees cannot, such as 24-hour service in multiple languages.  

ROBOTIC PETS   

Some conditions make it difficult, or impossible, for people to care for their pets. That’s where robotic animals come in. Robot pets are toys designed to imitate the characteristics, mannerisms, and appearance of real-life pets. Robot dogs and cats have become increasingly popular due to their ability to provide a quality substitute for people who are otherwise unable to care for a live animal. 

Robotic Dog 

Robotic Kitten  

FUTURISTIC ROBOTS  

SPACE ROBOTICS   

Russia is developing a humanoid robot that will go into space by 2025. Roscosmos, a state corporation of the Russian Federation responsible for space flights and aerospace research, has presented a prototype of a humanlike robot of a new generation called “Teledroid.”   

Its main purpose is to check the dimensions for placement of the ship during transportation to the International Space Station (ISS). Ergonomic studies will be conducted on the robot when performing joint operations with astronauts. 

The robot will protect the station crew members and free up human forces to perform other tasks. The main responsibilities assigned to such robots will be solving problems on the surface of cosmic bodies: the moon, planets of the Solar System, and their satellites. 

 COMBAT ROBOTS  

The U.S. military will have more robot soldiers on the battlefield than human ones by 2025, suggesting that deadly combat robots are rapidly becoming a reality of modern-day warfare. 

The United States government has invested a great deal in researching and developing combat robotics systems, seeking to have a military edge over other countries such as China and Russia in the next 10-15 years, the United States has invested a great deal in researching and developing combat robotics systems. 

ELLEN GELLER KAMARAS  

Do you feel happier in the summer?  Are you walking lighter?  Do you have less weight on your shoulders?   

I can answer a resounding YES to all three questions.  We all wear lighter-weight clothing in warmer weather, which literally lessens our load. 

It’s a joyful and empowering feeling to walk outside without layers of clothing – a hoodie, coat, scarf, hat, gloves, and boots.  It’s so much easier to run errands when less encumbered, and even go to a doctor or dentist appointment. 

What makes us happier in the summer? 

First, let’s define happiness. A simple definition of happiness is feeling or showing pleasure.  

Happiness is not a state of continuous euphoria.  It’s more of an overall sense of experiencing more positive emotions than negative ones. 

Perceptions of happiness differ from one individual to the next and happy people experience the entire gamut of human emotions at various times.  These emotions include anger, boredom, frustration, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and sadness.  However, even when confronted with distress, happy people maintain a core sense of optimism that things will improve. They take action to move towards overcoming their challenges to feel happy again. 

Next, let’s talk about the feel-good factor connected to the sun and warmer weather. 

What is it about sunshine that makes us feel happy? What is the science behind it? 

The scientific answer for why the sun boosts our mood is that there is a link between sunlight and our serotonin levels.   

Although too much exposure to the sun’s rays can be harmful to our skin, exposure to sunlight is believed to increase the brain’s release of a hormone called serotonin.  Serotonin is correlated with boosting one’s mood. 

Documented research shows that the warmer weather and summer sunlight in our part of the world can make us feel happier, more creative, and more focused.  That is because the brain produces more serotonin on sunny days than it does on darker days.  Serotonin is a mood-lifting chemical and is often called a natural antidepressant.  Many people develop seasonal affective disorder (SAD) in the dark days of winter, which causes symptoms of depression including moodiness, low energy, lack of interest in daily activities, and more.   

Now that you know that we naturally feel happier in the warmer weather, how are you going to leverage the feel-good factor this coming summer? 

Here are some suggestions: 

Identify your three favorite aspects of summer.  Is it the beach, having a lighter workload, or more free time with no carpools or children’s homework needs? 

Once you have decided what you love about summer, make sure to incorporate time for those activities in your calendar. 

Get outdoors. Carve out time to get outdoors in nature every day to enhance your physical and mental health.  Sunlight is a natural source for Vitamin D, which helps you fight various diseases.  Soak up some sun in limited doses.  People who spend time in the green outdoors are generally less anxious, less depressed, and have improved focus and creativity.   

Schedule an outdoor walk in the early morning or late afternoon when the sun is not too strong.  Start a walking group with like-minded individuals.  Or flex your green thumb.  Gardening can help you burn calories, relieve stress, and improve your diet by eating home-grown healthy veggies and getting back to nature and to your roots, literally! 

Get out of your comfort zone, explore, and experience. Are there activities you have dreamed about doing or places you would love to see?  The summer is an opportune time to try out a new sport, visit a new park, or shop for antiques upstate.  

How about kicking off a healthy new eating regimen?  What a perfect time to start off the day with a chilled vegetable or fruit smoothie!  Also, summer may afford you more time to cut the fruits and veggies.  

Play tourist and have an adventure.  Try ferry hopping. Enjoy the cool breeze, the beautiful views, and new sights.  

Dust off that bucket list and check off some of those items. Your bucket list goals need not be expensive or require extensive travel.   Have you always wanted to learn a new language or sleep in a tree house?  Or train for a marathon?  

Reconnect with friends and family.  Nurture your significant relationships.  Isn’t it easier to have dinner with friends or family when your children don’t have homework and you don’t need to carpool or travel in the snow?   

Indulge your inner child.  We are never too old to fly a kite, ride a carousel, or build a sandcastle.  

Nourish your spirit. Try something new to grow spiritually. How about committing to one new mitzvah or learning project for the summer?   

Wishing you a fun and healthy summer! 

A Groundbreaking New Initiative to Allow Anyone to Dedicate a Synagogue Building
 

On a small side street, mere hundreds of feet away from one of the busiest intersections in Lakewood, lies a quiet little shul. As I turn into the parking lot, I am struck by the simplicity of the building. There are no large plaques with donors’ names, no fancy architecture, no stained-glass windows. One sees only the name of the shul written with simple metal lettering – “Kehilat Etz Hayim, according to the customs of Aram Soba” – as well as two small dedications by the front doors, and a large electronic billboard. 

An electronic billboard? On a shul?! What is going on? 

That is precisely what I came to find out. 

The Office That is a Kollel 

Nearly two decades ago, this area of Lakewood was not the bustling center of activity that it is today. There was just one small outpost, a new development by the name of Forest Park, which had just been built. Among the newcomers was Rabbi Eliyahu Tobal, a young man from Brooklyn, who had moved to Lakewood to study in kollel. Almost immediately, he recognized the need for a Syrian minyan. Always a man of action, before long he had a full-service shul up and running. 

From its humble beginnings in Steven and Trina Levy’s basement, Etz Hayim has traveled a long way. Now, over 20 years later, it is the center of a large and thriving community, in one of the most densely-populated Syrian sections of Lakewood. 

Rabbi Tobal, who assumes full responsibility for the shul and the community, and who came up with the idea of the billboard, is the man I am here to see. 

I enter the shul and ascend to the second floor, where Rabbi Tobal ushers me into a small office. As I enter, I do a double-take. The room looks nothing like an office. Besides for a small desk with a computer in the corner, the room seems more like a bet midrash. There are hundreds of books lining the walls, a whiteboard with Hebrew words all over it, and a table surrounded by chairs. 

Seeing my look of astonishment, Rabbi Tobal explains. “We have a kollel here every morning, before or after vatikin, depending on the season. We have a class with Rabbi Rahamim Shayo from Israel twice a week, via skype.” 

“Ah-ha!” I thought to myself. “So that’s what the computer is for!” 

Torah From 4am Till After Midnight 

“And that is not the only thing we do,” the rabbi proudly continues. “Besides the minyan at netz (sunrise), we have two other minyanim each morning. From shortly after 4am, there are people sitting in the bet midrash and learning. We have a kollel for an hour before the 7am minyan, and a full-day kollel run by Rabbi Michael Levy, in which we are training approximately 20 young men to be rabbis. We have two minyanim for mincha, and two or three for arvit. At night, the shul is bustling, with people learning past midnight. On an average day, hundreds of people enter this shul. 

“In addition, we are privileged to have Rabbi Ezra Zafrani, shelit”a, serve as the rabbi, mashpi’a, and da’at Torah of Etz Hayim. From the shul’s inception, the rabbi has counselled, advised, and guided us in all areas, and till today, he is the backbone of the entire congregation. Rabbi Zafrani carries with him many years of experience in hinuch, along with the perfect blend of wisdom, patience, discipline, and humility, and we are very fortunate to have the rabbi give inspiring and thought-provoking classes on Michtav Me’Eliyahu and Hovot Halevavot.  Furthermore, each morning and evening, we have a Gemara class, where we learn according to the ‘Kinyan Masechta’ system. We are well on our way to completing our fifth masechet. And that is even before we talk about everything that happens here on Shabbat and holidays. 

“Recently, we built a permanent tent in the back to accommodate events such as beritot and the like.” 

I am impressed. Who knew that there was so much going on here, far from the center of the community?  

But I cannot forget why I had come. 

“But what’s with the billboard?” I ask.  

“It’s an opportunity,” Rabbi Tobal explains.  

Everyone Can Dedicate a Building 

“One of the greatest things about our shul is the fact that it’s not just a place to pray. We are all one big family. So two years ago, I had an idea – instead of selling the dedication for the building to one individual, we would get everybody involved. What an honor and privilege it must be to sponsor all the Torah and prayers that take place in this building! We did not want that privilege to be taken by just one person, in one moment of generosity. Instead, we felt that everybody should have the chance to dedicate our building.  Each day, all the prayers, Torah study, and mitzvot which are done here can be yours. Anybody can be that day’s sponsor.  

“That is what the billboard is for. We have set the background to match the stone façade of the building, and each day, the building is dedicated anew. For one day, you can have the building named in your honor. Until now, dedicating buildings has been a privilege reserved for a few individuals. Today, we are giving everybody the chance.” 

“Has the idea been a success?” I ask with curiosity and intrigue. 

“It’s been incredible,” the rabbi replies. “Many have already jumped at this unique opportunity. A large portion of the dedications are in honor of a yahrtzeit. This is a very important day for the soul. Imagine how happy it must be to receive so many additional merits. It’s like sending your loved one a birthday present! People have also dedicated in honor of a friend, family member, or mentor, as a zechut (merit) for a shidduch or hatzlahah (success) , or just to thank Hashem for a kindness which He has done for them. 

“The feedback we have received has been amazing. Somebody who had been undergoing tests dedicated our building as a zechut for a refuah shelemah (complete recovery), and shortly afterward, the doctors told him that his problems had disappeared. Another man had an important meeting, which he was apprehensive about, but in the end, everything went unnaturally smoothly. We even had a family that pooled together to dedicate the day in honor of their mother’s birthday! They couldn’t believe how much she appreciated this unique gift.” 

“What a fascinating concept,” I exclaim. “I am quite impressed.”  

“Everyone is Invited” 

I then ask whether or not the billboard is reserved only for members of your shul. 

“No, anyone can dedicate,” the rabbi replies. “In fact, most days are dedicated by people unaffiliated with the shul who would like to seize this unique opportunity. We have had people visiting from abroad, from places like Mexico and Panama, who were so impressed with the special warmth of our shul that they felt compelled to get involved. 

“We are a community shul. Everyone is invited. We do not have a membership. We have people praying here from all walks of life, and from all backgrounds. Some people pray here only on Shabbat, and some only during the week. Some people come here from Brooklyn for the summer, and others only come occasionally, when visiting relatives. It does not matter. Even if somebody has not been here for months, this is still his home. He knows that he will be warmly greeted when he comes in.  

“And even if a person cannot join us in body, he can still be with us in spirit by ensuring our continued operation, thus taking part of everything that happens here. Actually, he then becomes the cause of everything which happens here.” 

I glance at my watch, and realize with a start that I am running late for my next appointment. I thank Rabbi Tobal for his patience, gather up my things, and leave the office encountering three other people who are waiting in the hallway for the rabbi. As I step into my car, I feel grateful for having had the privilege to meet somebody as special as Rabbi Tobal, and for the opportunity to participate in this wonderful mitzvah.  

Rabbi David Sutton 

TOLERANCE  

The Hebrew letters ס.ב.ל. form the root of several terms. One is סבלנות, which we generally translate as patience. Another is the term סובל צרות, which refers to a person who is tolerant of pain; the word סובל, therefore, means to tolerate. Finally, a סַבָּל is a porter, one who carries burdens. So, we have three English concepts – patience, tolerance of pain, and carrying a load - all with the same Hebrew root. What is the connection? 

Carrying the Load 

Rav Shlomo Wolbe (Alei Shur v. II, p. 214) explains that one who exercises patience in his dealings with others essentially carries a load, as he moves on without growing weary of bearing that burden. For example, in dealing with friends, siblings, spouses, or coworkers, factors may not always be according to our taste or in accordance with our nature. Even worse, others may tease or taunt us, or approach us with an unjustified complaint. Yet, rather than reacting or exploding, we can be sovel their behavior, we can carry the load. Additionally, one who tolerates physical or emotional pain, which comes about through the forces of nature and not via another human being, is also holding a burden.  He, too, continues to function despite being encumbered by hardship. 

Alternatively, if we explode in anger or kvetch about every ache and pain to all and sundry, we are dropping the load, thereby demonstrating our inability to carry the load of that difficulty.  

Psychological research demonstrates that individuals who can tolerate experiences of frustration or other “negative” emotions without an aggressive external reaction are rated considerably higher than others on a social/emotional level, and are more likely to succeed in their everyday relationships, as well as in their careers. 

Conversely, the boss who is constantly yelling and haranguing does not get more out of his employees (he just thinks he does). Rather, he creates an environment of fear in which workers adapt to their superior’s diatribes by hiding their mistakes or declining to take on projects that incur a risk of failure. Many have bought into the myth, much ingrained in our society, that letting out anger and frustration through hitting a punching bag or screaming in the forest helps expel these emotions. Factually, research into human behavior shows that, in the long run, these actions foster an increase in the frequency of these emotions. 

Of course, this does not mean we ignore our emotions. Indeed, we must recognize which feelings we are experiencing, including frustration, sadness, or disappointment, and allow those emotions to process in an adaptive and healthy way. This is achieved through expressing ourselves calmly, through acceptance, patience, tolerance, and awareness of our internal processes.

But there is more. 

The Alter of Kelm (Chochmah U’Mussar, v. I, p. 433) states, “How wonderful would it be if we would train ourselves in the trait of sevel (tolerance, patience, bearing the burden)! This is the source of all positive character traits, the source of menuchah (serenity), and the source of all good qualities.” 

In most cases, when we react in the wrong way, in actuality, we are reacting to an uncomfortable feeling that we cannot tolerate, causing us to drop the load. This can occur when another driver rudely cuts us off, when our child asks for still another drink at bedtime, when our spouse makes a thoughtless comment… It can be so difficult to carry that feeling that we may just fly into a rage. And at that moment, when we go ballistic, all our commendable character traits fly out the window, as we let loose on anyone and everyone unfortunate enough to be in our vicinity. 

Hence, the middah of savlanut is at the source of all good middot. 

In a letter to his son Rav Avraham, the Rambam discusses the downside of machloket, dispute. Rather than argue, he exhorts his son, “Pride yourself in tolerating; that is true strength and true victory!” 

TAKEAWAY 

Rav Wolbe advises, “Set aside 15 minutes a day to just tolerate, to just hold. Be patient with whatever the situation is.”  During that quarter of an hour, if something is not to your liking – or someone rankles you – don’t blow your top, but remain calm and composed. 

This exercise should not be performed during a quiet, private time, but specifically during a busy time of day, a time of interaction with others: e.g., mealtime, bedtime, homework, carpool, a phone call with a family member…Once you have mastered tolerance during one type of interaction, you can move on to another one. 

Each difficult interaction that is mastered constitutes true strength and victory!