Frieda Schweky 

In the past, when I had clothing or toys to donate, I’d drop them into bins that were placed around town by community organizations. I knew my donations were going to charities, but I really wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I wondered if my stuff would ever get to a fellow Jew like I wanted. Was it actually weighed and sold for pennies by the pound like I heard from a friend? Who knew?! Fortunately, there is now an alternative solution! Free Chats! WhatsApp community chats are designated for the sole purpose of giving and getting stuff from community members. Sometimes you have valuable things that you simply have no use for but you don’t want them to go to waste. Now, all you have to do is to join one of these chats, take a picture of what you want to donate, and post it. I’d say a good 95 percent of the stuff that gets put on the Free Chat that I’m a part of finds a new home. This reduces waste while saving community members money! In this economy, any and all shortcuts are encouraged. Thousands of dollars of merchandise is given away every week, sometimes daily, to families who will actually use it. I’ve seen stuff from every category imaginable, including bikes, furniture, technology, sporting goods, home organization, party goods, food, home decor, clothing, and baby gear – it’s truly endless. The condition ranges from used to brand new! On the receiving side, it’s very fun to see what you can ’score’ from these chats. It could be something you needed, were thinking of ordering, or never knew you wanted! Let’s hear from some community members. 

Amie Sitton 

My friend, who was going to Israel for her son’s wedding, called me two nights before her flight saying she needed high-heeled wedding sneakers and a garment bag for her dress. So naturally, I thought to ask on the chat if anyone had what she needed to give away. I even specified shoe size. I got both the garment bag and the wedding shoes in her size from community members who had them sitting in their homes and were happy to give them away. Both items were located around the block from each other, which made picking up a breeze. My friend was so delighted. She felt like it was a sign from Hashem that everything was going to be good. It made her so calm and happy before she was set to leave on the long flight, which otherwise could have been stressful. She was grateful for the items but was especially grateful for the inner peace it brought her to know that Hashem was with her on this endeavor. 

Personally, I’ve gotten things on the chat that I’m thrilled with! I got a beautiful couch on the chat. The girl told me to come over and see it in person. She gave me her address, and it turns out she lives directly across the street from me! I wound up taking the couch with me to Jersey for the summer because the house that I rented was unfurnished. We then took the couch back to Brooklyn and still use it. I also got an awesome headboard that matches my room perfectly. The house it came from was right around the block from me, so the young man whom it previously belonged to walked it over to my house instead of loading it into my car.  

Jennifer Levy 

We love the free chat! I got a Roomba robot vacuum, a double stroller, a boogie board for my stroller, push cars, a play kitchen, a toddler bed – the list goes on and on! Also I got a handheld upholstery cleaner that I’ve been eyeing on Amazon for over three years and finally got one from the chat! It’s awesome because I don’t spend as much money anymore.  

Children grow, they outgrow things so quickly from toys, to clothes, to books. It’s so nice to be able to give outgrown things away as well as getting things that other children have outgrown for my kids. I wish I knew about the chat before my first daughter was born. I would have saved a ton on baby gear. Additionally, the chat helped us a lot with the formula shortage. Certain times I wasn’t able to find formula and people on the chat would give it away when their babies didn’t need it anymore. It really helped us get through the last few months. 

At first, I felt so aib (uncomfortable) claiming things in the chat. But it helped so much once I started, especially with the prices of everything skyrocketing. Also, I’m able to use things I need, but once I don’t need it anymore, instead of throwing away a perfectly good item, I can just pass it along to the next family. It’s just another thing that makes our community so giving and amazing! 

Natalie B. Cohen 

I love giving away clothes on the free chat. To know that someone is really going to get use out of it is the best kind of giving in my opinion.  

Katie Antebi 

Basically, last summer we bought and renovated a house. After the renovation we didn’t really have the extra money to buy furniture. From the free chat I got a kitchen table, two beds, two coffee tables, an area rug, and bar stools. Everything was in great condition and worked perfectly in the space. Also, when I was moving, I gave away so much stuff. I love to use the free chat to give away things now. It helps you declutter for the people who don’t like to throw things away, and another family can benefit, just like we did! 

Shelly H. Shaab 

So it all started with one community member who wanted to give away furniture but didn’t want to clutter another chat. Before you knew it, it was full and there was a waiting list to get in. Finally, people started making alternative free chats for all the people who couldn’t get in. I love the chat. Sometimes you feel bad throwing away expensive things, whether it be clothes or furniture. I’m happy knowing someone can benefit from it. I myself claimed a few things and they happen to be my favorite pieces. Overall the idea of sharing your stuff with community members and not wasting is incredible. 

Marcy Missry 

This past year, I was packing up my life and moving to Israel. Obviously, I couldn’t bring everything and since I haven’t been married long, a lot of my stuff was good and new. I saw no justification for throwing it away even though I knew I couldn’t bring it. The free chat was an awesome resource I used to distribute my stuff to community members instead of tossing it or storing it for no reason. I wound up throwing out almost nothing so it was a win in my book! Also side note: I’ve gotten really cool things, like once I scored a pasta maker! 

Stacey Shabot 

I really can’t describe how much I love the free chat! And, I don’t consider myself a freeloader, I post things too. It’s just so nice when you have something that you know is useful you just have no use for, to quickly take a picture and post it and within a couple of hours it’s not only out of your hair, it’s going to good use by your extended family, aka the community! It’s just really an amazing thing. For instance: I got a new MamaRoo baby swing for my fourth kid (a friend didn’t wind up using hers, she gave it to me). I had one before but it already went through three babies and was quite dated. The old one still worked, plus it had so much sentimental value to me I really didn’t want to toss it. I put it on the chat and someone claimed it who was so eager she came within the hour and eagerly scooped it up. I imagine she got good use out of it and I’m so pleased to know that. 

Last year I was considering buying my kids a bunk bed and, as luck would have it, someone offered one up on the free chat, disassembled and in good condition. Saved me at least $700. I was thrilled. It’s a perfect bed and I feel very fortunate to have gotten it. And I’m sure the person I got it from was happy it didn’t go to waste and they didn’t have to haul it off. These chats are simply win-win-win situations all around. 

*****  

In some circles these free chats are also referred to as gemachs. There are also food chats that reduce food waste, which is also great! The food chats were busier while the government was funding food boxes during and well after the covid pandemic. The reality was, not everyone needed or could use 100 percent of the things they got in their food box, so posting it up for another family to come collect was a really awesome resource. For all the negative things and distractions smartphones bring, I can say with full confidence free chats are a positive. Sure it’s nice to get rid of old things and it’s fun to score toys and other household items, but at the end of the day you never know how significant the thing you’re giving away is to someone else. Families are in real need, and this is another way our community can give in a way that’s sustainable, specific, and dignified.  

Frieda Schweky is a photographer who lives in New Jersey and travels to NY as well for work. Follow her on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto.

Our community is blessed with many opportunities – and an exceptional ability – to get together and interact with people. We frequently attend semahot, sebets, fundraisers, kiddushim in shul, and other festive events with an upbeat, energetic atmosphere, where laughter abounds and multiple conversations take place simultaneously.  

Understandably, then, we often find ourselves running into some trouble when we bring our “social butterfly” selves into a house of mourning. I have heard both mourners and family members helping at a shiva house observe that although everyone means well, and nobody intends to speak inappropriately or disrespectfully, there seems to be a lack of understanding about the proper way to conduct oneself while paying a shiva call. Let us, then, try to acquaint ourselves with the concept of mourning and the visitor’s role in this process. 

The week of shiva is designed to help mourners by providing them with a period of spiritual and emotional healing, which is facilitated through an environment of comfort and community support.  

Not surprisingly, modern psychologists have recently come to the same conclusions as our Jewish tradition – that healing from a loss takes time and requires communal support. Psychiatrist Dr. Jorge Casariego explains that “psychologically, it is imperative that a mourner experiences a gradual process of disengagement from the image of the deceased. Producing happy memories about the departed helps the mourner to forget the image of their loved ones in their weakened state and reminds them of a robust, multi-dimensional influence on their life.”  

Speaking and hearing about their loved one enables mourners to undergo this critically important psychological process. How can our visit assist the mourner along this difficult, painful road to emotional recovery?  

It’s Not About You 

First and foremost, we must remember that our visit is about the mourner, and not about us.  The Talmud teaches that the funeral is for the deceased and the shiva is for the mourners. When the funeral is over, our attention shifts from the mitzvah of accompanying the dead to the mitzvah of comforting the living – and this must be our point of focus when we visit. Rabbi Aryeh Markman, executive director of Aish Los Angeles, suggests, “When you come to visit, remember that it is for the benefit of the mourner. This is the last place on earth you want to talk about yourself, as interesting as you may be. It takes tremendous psychic energy for the mourner to entertain your ego.”      

Contrary to usual interactions, visitors should typically avoid initiating conversations during a shiva call. Visitors should generally listen and offer support only when engaged. It is important to remember that the purpose of the shiva is to comfort mourners and allow the family to grieve. Therefore, visitors making a shiva call should be attentive to the needs of the mourners and to the atmosphere in the shiva house. The fitting topic of conversation for a shiva is the deceased.  If you have a story about the deceased, or if the deceased did something meaningful for you, then share it. Those stories are comforting to most mourners. Ask to see pictures of the deceased’s life. Ask the mourner to describe the deceased’s finest hour. Ask what the deceased would want to be remembered for, and how the mourners will remember him. 

Timing 

Another area where we need improvement is with regard to the timing and length of our visits.   

Our community is not known for promptness – to put it mildly – and invitation times are often seen as a suggestion. No matter how many times we see the word “promptly” on an invitation, we live by organic time and show up when it’s convenient for us, not when we are requested to arrive.  Unfortunately, this spills over into our shiva visits, as well. Virtually every shiva house has a sign posted on the front door, requesting that no visitors come after 9pm or so, and yet mourners have shared that visitors were coming until 10pm. We need to respect the mourners’ wishes and visit only during the times they request. If a visitor realizes upon arriving that this is not one of the visiting hours, then he should leave a note or send a message, rather than enter the home. Remember, visiting a house of mourning is about comforting the mourner, and if the mourner specified visiting hours, then visiting at other times does not provide any comfort at all. 

The shiva process is often lengthy and tiring for the mourners; visitors should be mindful not to overstay their welcome. In the past, mourners would nod their heads to indicate when it was time for visitors to leave (Moed Katan 27b). Nowadays, one must be sensitive to the mourner’s state of mind and understand when he wants visitors to leave so he can have rest and privacy (Aruch Hashulhan, Y.D. 376:3). Visits should generally be kept short; 15-20 minutes are sufficient for most shiva calls.  

Another consideration is mealtimes.  Our community excels at hospitality; when people enter our home, we feel an obligation to greet them and engage with them so they feel comfortable and welcome. I have seen so many instances where mourners did not finish their meal or did not even begin their meal because visitors arrived and were waiting to see them. We as a community have to do better in this regard. The shiva week is a sacred period of healing for the mourners, and this process necessitates their tending to their physical needs, getting enough rest and eating properly. We owe it to them to ensure that our visits do not come at the expense of their comfort or nourishment. 

My “Not-Shiva” Story 

When my father, Meyer J. Kassin, a”h, passed away on Erev Pesach, 2015 in Florida, my family had to quickly – and frantically – make some very difficult decisions. The combination of the timing (right before Yom Tov), and the logistical challenge of a burial in Israel, made for a complicated situation. My mother, my siblings, and I all wanted to get my father, a”h, to his final resting place as quickly and respectfully as possible. This entailed escorting him to the cargo section of Ft. Lauderdale airport for his trip to NY and then Israel.  

Next, one of my sisters, who was returning to New Jersey to spend Pesach with her family, needed to be driven to the commuter side of the airport, and the keriah (tearing of the garment) had to be done before she left. We parked the car and hurried through the airport looking for a spot to perform the keriah for her.  At some point, I realized that we could get arrested for running through the airport with a weapon – the pocketknife I had brought along for ripping – and so we went back outside, and I performed the keriah for her on the sidewalk in front of the terminal.   

I then drove back to the cargo section to get my husband, who was reluctant to leave my dad alone, and he drove us back to my mom’s apartment which miraculously – thanks to my daughter and her mother-in-law – was set up for shiva. We swallowed down a hard-boiled egg and some egg matza (not recommended), sat for an hour greeting guests (wondering how they had heard about this…), got up, showered, and returned to my mom’s home where – again, miraculously – everything was back in order and set for a Pesach seder (still not sure who did that). Needless to say, we were all a bit shell-shocked. There was no additional formal mourning, because the onset of Yom Tov ends the observance of shiva.  

A month later, we flew to Israel for the sheloshim. During our stay in Israel, my consuegra, the one who had set up my mom’s house for shiva, lost her father. I went to pay a shiva call, and I found myself feeling envious, a strange feeling to have in a shiva house. I envied my consuegra’s ability to talk about her father, to embrace his memory and to share the pain of his loss, something my siblings, my mom and I were not able to do.  

Eight years later, I still feel the need to tell my “not shiva” story. Anyone I speak to who had the same experience, of a shiva cut short by a holiday, expresses similar feelings.  At the same time, however, we all acknowledge how the numerous emails and cards we received, telling us about how special our loved one was and how they had touched the sender, provided a great deal of comfort.  Although we didn’t have a steady stream of visitors for a whole week, the opportunity to hear about our loved one was truly meaningful. 

I share this to help all of us remember the fundamental purpose of shiva and the proper behavior when visiting. Come at the right time, and don’t stay too long. Sit quietly. Let the mourners initiate, and follow their lead. Let them dictate the subject, tenor and flow of the conversation. If you listen carefully, you will know exactly what to say. Your presence, your silence, and your empathy are enough.   

May we always meet at happy occasions.

On March 10, the Chinese government brokered a deal between Iran and Saudi Arabia to resume full diplomatic relations. The two countries agreed to reopen their borders for visits, and will cooperate to reboot security arrangements. The Saudis agreed to allow in more Iranians to celebrate the Hajj, and both countries agreed to reopen their respective embassies.  

In addition to providing a perceived diplomatic coup for China, what are the implications and impact for the region? And most importantly – how will this deal this affect Israel? 

Will Saudi Arabia continue to look at Tehran suspiciously, both as a regional threat, and a burgeoning nuclear power? Or, has Israel lost a sympathetic ear inside the Saudi kingdom? 

The Backstory to the Deal 

Often, diplomatic gestures that seem absurd on the surface have good justification beneath the surface. And this is one example, according to Rafael Castro, a Middle East political analyst. In a recent Honest Reporting podcast he noted, “Saudi Arabia wants to secure China as an ally, to restrain Iran, realizing that the United States possibly won’t intervene to stop a nuclear program.” This was a subtle jab at U.S. president Joe Biden, who many feel has been careless on the Iran file.  

This chess move from the Saudis comes in preparation of a foreseeable peace deal with Israel.  

Saudi-Israel Reconciliation 

There have already been small steps of reconciliation. Last summer, Saudi Arabia opened its airspace to Israel, meaning less fly-time to and from certain destinations. Moreover, an Israeli delegation participated at a Riyadh-hosted video-gaming tournament in July. Furthermore, in early 2024, the Saudis will be reopening the city of Khaybar (also called Hibura) for tourists. This is where the area’s last remaining Jewish settlement was, before the Islamic prophet Mohammed’s armies invaded and razed the Jewish communities,  nearly 1,400 years ago. Currently, there is an estimated 3,000-strong Jewish community in the kingdom. 

A July 9 Reuters report by Steve Holland and Doina Chiacu noted that president Biden is working with the Saudis on better relations with Israel. “So, we’re making progress in the region. And it depends upon the conduct, and what is asked of us for them to recognize Israel,” Biden said in an interview. “Quite frankly, I don’t think they [the Saudis] have much of a problem with Israel.” 

In a June 13 Le Monde article called “Normalization with Israel: Saudi Arabia shows signs of openness,” the author wrote: “Normalization … was at the heart of U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken’s visit to Riyadh from June 6 to 8.”  

“It’s quite clear that we believe that normalization [with Israel] is in the interest of the region, that it would bring significant benefits to all,” said Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Faisal bin Farhan. The creation of a Palestinian state within the 1967 borders would no longer be a prerequisite for Saudi normalization with Israel, the report added. 

One Israeli representative said lately that it is inevitable that the Saudis and the Jewish State will have rapprochement.  

“Ultimately, we want to reach a state of full relations – meaning cooperation on economic matters, intelligence, tourism, flights, et cetera – and I reckon this will happen sooner or later,” Israel’s Foreign Minister Eli Cohen told Israel’s Army Radio in June. 

Insurance Policy  

However, when peace is sealed between the two nations, Saudi Arabia knows it will become Iran’s new target – as the kingdom becomes a friend to Iran’s enemy, Israel. Thus, the new Saudi-Iran memorandum serves as a pre-emptive insurance policy against Iran targeting Saudi Arabia, Castro said in an article for the Besa Center in April 2023 called “How Saudi-Iranian Reconciliation Aids Israel”:   

“[…an Iranian attack on Saudi Arabia would] demonstrate to the international community that it is [not only] a treacherous enemy, but that it is a treacherous ally – indeed, that no nation, friend or foe, is shielded from its wanton aggression.”  

A Sign of the Times 

A Saudi diplomat, who wished to be quoted anonymously, asserted that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has liberalized in the past few years, and will continue to liberalize. This, he says, is driven mostly by the young royals who reject fundamentalism, and who see the benefits of modernization. Many well-known American franchises have opened in Saudi Arabia, which is a sign of Saudi’s Westernization. Today authorities are cracking down on extremism, women are permitted to drive, and locals are taking an interest in American culture and style. The kingdom in the past few years has begun to open itself up for global tourism. 

If all goes well, Saudi Arabia, with its new openness to reach a deal with Israel, could be a signatory in 2024 to the Abraham Accords, joining Morocco, UAE, Bahrain, and Sudan.