Dr. Yossi Shafer 

Anger is often an all-consuming entity, an exceedingly strong feeling that overrides emotion and logical thought. That is because, as explained in previous articles, anger masks underlying emotions that typically stem from taking someone else’s opinion of or behavior toward you personally. When you dig deeper, tune into yourself, and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to explore your true emotions, you can deal with the root of the problem rather than the symptom. 

A life ruled by anger is an unpleasant life for everyone, but most unpleasant for the angry person. You may defend the need for anger – I must show them how badly their words or actions affected me – but while it may seem like the easy way out, it’s never a long-term solution. 

Empower Yourself 

Empower yourself to overcome the anger and work through what is actually happening beneath the surface. 

Instead of succumbing to anger, indulge in a little introspection. Ask yourself: how does this make me feel? Followed by: what can I do about it now? 

The answer to the second question is always one of two choices: accept and move on or find a solution. As the adage goes: For every evil under the sun, there is a remedy or there is none. If there be one, try and find it; if there be none, never mind it.  

Try it in any scenario where angry responses are common. 

Sample Scenarios 

Your son comes home at 11:45pm even though his curfew is 11:00pm. You’re ready to explode. Why? How does this make me feel? The answer may be: betrayed, worried, unappreciated, unheard, losing control. (These responses are especially common if you are a survivor of childhood trauma or neglect.) Then, what can I do about it? The answer there is either (1) accept it: teenagers break curfew all the time, it’s nothing personal or (2) work toward change, either with a consequence for breaking curfew or with an incentive to be home on time. With either solution, you have removed the personal affront from the equation, so the anger dissipates. Feel free to express your true emotions when appropriate: I’m worried about your safety or I’m disappointed and frustrated when you’re not responsible. 

Your boss is a certified degrading person who called you irresponsible after you messed up an account. You’re burning with rage. That makes me feel worthless, embarrassed, like a failure. Think: just because he called me an idiot, does that mean I am one? Stop determining your self-worth based on someone else’s judgment of you. As unconventional as this may sound, the same applies to anyone in your life who judges you, including your close friends and family members. Am I really the most selfish husband/friend/parent as alleged?  

With your boss’s comment, be honest with yourself: was that a stupid mistake? If it was, you can be disappointed with yourself and then (1) resolve to do better next time or (2) accept your shortcomings without attempting to improve. Both are valid responses, though the first will help you more in the long run. Then, you can choose what to do about your unpleasant work environment: (1) accept it or (2) work toward change, either by having a frank conversation with the boss or looking for a new job. Yes, itis as simple (although not easy) as that.  

Your sister calls you selfish for not inviting your parents for the hag. You are furious. If you have a legitimate reason for not inviting them, you feel misunderstood and hurt that your sister, who “knows” and loves you, thinks so little of you. You can (1) explain or (2) keep your reason to yourself and be okay with her thinking that you are selfish, because you are confident that you are not selfish.  

On the other hand, if your reasons are selfish, you may feel bad about yourself because she called you out on it. Anger masks your defensiveness and shame over your shortcomings. Now you can (1) admit that selfishness is a fault of yours and try to improve or (2) deny that you are selfish sometimes or simply accept that you would rather not work on it. 

There is no shame in having or expressing emotions – in fact, emotions are crucial for effective relationships and functional living – but anger is damaging and unconstructive. When you are consumed by an emotion – sadness, despair, insecurity – you can consult with a professional, mentor, rabbi, trusted friend, or family member, and learn strategies to cope with it. When you are consumed by anger, there is no effective resolution; that is why it is possible – and life-changing – to eliminate it. 

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD, is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net

Pnina Souid 

When Mike Cohen set out to start The Mitzvah Man hesed organization he considered which angle to pursue. He decided to leave things open ended, and let Hashem be his Guide. 

In these pages we have presented miracle stories, stories where Siyatta D’Shmaya – literally the Hand of Gd – is very clear, and other stories featuring human kindness exhibited by selfless volunteers. Here are three more inspirational stories from the Mitzvah Man’s files. 

THE LAMBORGHINI, THE MASERATI, AND THE ROLLS ROYCE 

The mother of a very ill 10-year-old boy had a predicament. Her son dreamed of a very special birthday event. He wanted a ride in a Lamborghini, a Maserati, and a Rolls Royce. She knew how important this birthday wish was. But how was she going to find these cars? And she needed the drivers too! 

She called the Mitzvah Man hotline. The organization has a tremendous network of volunteers and friends who are only a text or phone call away. 

On the day of this boy’s birthday three drivers pulled up to his house. One drove up in a Lamborghini, the second was behind the wheel of a Maserati, and the third made his entrance  in a Rolls Royce. They all gave the boy  the rides he dreamed of and made it a fabulously memorable day for everyone involved. 

THE AIR CONDITIONER 

Mr. Frank, a 92-year-old Holocaust survivor was in desperate need of an air conditioner. A week-long heat wave, with temperatures reaching into the high-90s and even low-100s, was forecast and he had no working air conditioner.  

He called the government agency that had previously helped him. They looked in their records and simply said, “Sorry, Mr. Frank. We gave you an air conditioner a few years ago. We cannot provide another one.” 

He was about to despair when he thought to call the Mitzvah Man hotline. Within 48 hours Mr. Frank was the relieved owner of a brand-new air conditioner, expertly installed by the hesed volunteers. 

THE IPADS THAT CHANGED THE LIVES OF TWO SPECIAL NEEDS TEENAGERS 

A rabbi in the community who runs a school for special needs children called the Mitzvah Man with an urgent request. He recently admitted two severely autistic teenagers, who had  no ability to communicate. Although they could grunt they do not have the ability to speak. Their sheer frustration leads them to displays of anger. The rabbi asked for money to purchase two special iPads to enable the boys to communicate. Ordinarily these items are provided to the school but because of a full enrollment before these boys were admitted, the school did not have the iPads for the new students. 

The rabbi explained that with these specifically programed iPads, the user can bring up a picture to describe what he wants. For example, if he wants to eat an apple, he can show an apple on the screen. 

A text was sent out to the Mitzvah Man volunteers asking for donations to purchase two iPads. Thanks to the quick response, the rabbi was able to purchase the iPads right away. 

The rabbi called the Mitzvah Man to report on the unbelievable transformation in these two boys. They were able to communicate! And they were starting to learn! They still could not speak but they were able to show their teachers, their parents, and their classmates what they wanted to say.  

Their parents were so grateful and so impressed. Their children’s behavior was transformed. The anger and cries from frustration turned to laughter and eagerness. 

WHETHER YOU NEED HELP OR WANT TO JOIN US IN OUR  

HESED WORK PLEASE CALL THE MITZVAH MAN! 

ELLEN GELLER KAMARAS  

Did you know that the Thor Equities Coney proposal is not the first attempt by developers to “revitalize” the Coney Island Boardwalk?  Casino gambling became legal in Atlantic City in 1976 and casino fever captivated Coney Island investors.  

Atlantic City and Coney Island have been competitors since the late 1800s when both vied for the title of best resort on the East Coast. For a short time during 1979, the asking price for Coney Island Boardwalk real estate increased from $3 to $100 per square foot in anticipation of a casino.   

At that time The Casinos for Coney Committee pushed to permit casino gambling in Coney Island, and a New York State Legislature proposal was considered. However, Donald Trump, son of developer Fred Trump, had casino interests in Atlantic City and was wary of potential competition. His father lobbied strongly against the Legislature’s proposal and the referendum was killed before it reached the voters.  

Recap 

Coney Island is one of three downstate gambling casino sites in the NYC area for which developers/gaming companies are bidding for licenses. 

A 40-page public engagement report was released on July 11 by the office of Brooklyn Borough President Antonio Reynoso. It shows that his office received about three responses that are opposed to the Coney Project for every response in favor.  Over 200 people provided feedback. Reynoso is still undecided about the casino plan. 

The Coney Island casino’s champions envision the project providing increased employment, visitors, and money.  Opponents see minimal economic benefits. They point to the disappointing outcomes in Atlantic City, are wary of increased crime and traffic, and note the dangers of having only limited security resources.  They are also concerned about the harmful influence the casino would have on our children and families. 

Review of Key Points. 

The Coney details depend on a request for proposals (RFA) issued by the NYS Gaming Commission in January 2023. The approval process is expected to be lengthy, and no determinations will be made “until sometime later in 2023 at the earliest.”  

Joe Sitt, a real estate developer for Thor Equities, is hoping to be awarded one of the three downstate casino licenses.  

Sitt’s goal is to turn Coney Island into a year-round destination instead of a summertime hangout primarily limited to the boardwalk.  Thor is expected to spend $3 billion to redevelop five acres that would include a casino, a roller coaster, an indoor water park, hotels, and museums.   

A Gaming Facility Location Board was tasked to oversee the application process and select the three NYC casino sites.  

After its review, the Board will make recommendations to the Gaming Commission, which is authorized to decide which licenses to award.  

The conditions required for the Gaming Commission to approve a casino application include gaining public support from community advisory committees as well as compliance with state and local zoning laws.  

Applicants to this RFA must first be approved by a community advisory committee and complete the municipal zoning process before the evaluation of any applications.  

The application process allows strong community opposition to defeat a casino bid before state regulators can even review the application. 

For each application, a local Community Advisory Committee was formed to hold public hearings and issue a formal finding of how much community support the proposed casino has. 

At least two-thirds of the committee members must approve the project before state regulators begin evaluating the application. 

• On March 3rd, Thor’s consortium released renderings for “The Coney.”   
• The PR is brimming with talk of “economic opportunity, “revitalization,” and “resiliency.” 

• On March 6th, community leaders and activists voiced their views for and against The Coney. The United Front Against Displacement hosted a rally outside the YMCA before a planned meeting with Brooklyn Borough President Reynoso. 

• Protests resumed against The Coney on April 19th. Almost 200 residents gathered at Gargiulo’s Restaurant for an open forum and collided over The Coney’s potential impact on their community. Most of the feedback was negative.  

Community Board 13 Chairperson of Coney Island, Lucy Diaz declared: “We don’t want what Atlantic City has. We’re already drowning in traffic half the year. Now you want to bring more traffic in?!” 

Robert Cornegy, a former NYC council member, is a consultant for The Coney and describes his support for the casino in altruistic terms, committing to an economic development agenda. He has knocked on over 16,300 doors to get 4,000 physical signatures in favor of the casino.  

Community Opposition 

On April 26th, Community Board 13 members voted online on an official resolution opposing the Coney Island casino.  The resolution passed by an overwhelming vote of 23-8, rejecting the casino proposal.    

The Community Board’s resolution is non-binding, has no legal bearing, and cannot singlehandedly stop the casino project.  However, Community Board 13 includes many local politicians who will have a legal say on the project in the future and the Community Board’s vote does not look promising for the project.  

Councilman Ari Kagan, one of these local politicians, backed the Community Board’s majority vote.  His arguments:  The Coney will bring more traffic, crime, and mental health problems. 

The Sephardic Community Federation took a firm stand against the proposed casino.  Spearheading the “No Coney Casino” initiative, the Sephardic Community Federation launched the website noconeycasino.com, urging all community members to join their cause by signing a petition protesting the casino’s approval.   

New Developments 

• Thor is finishing its RFA and waiting for NYS to post a submission date. 

• Thor expects its entertainment complex to bring approximately 4,000 union jobs to the neighborhood.  Cornegy believes they will be decent paying, year-round jobs in hospitality, hotel, and gaming.  

In response, Community Board 13 Chair Diaz says these jobs are not necessarily the best fit for the make-up of the community and wants more information including the percentage of jobs that will go to locals. 

New York City Housing Authority Housing:  Another concern is that approximately 11,000 of Community Board 13 residents including Coney Island/Brighton Beach live in NYC Housing Authority public housing.   

These residents are required to meet NYCHA lower income criteria to maintain their current rents and therefore may not want to apply for casino jobs.  Coney Island also has a large senior citizen population that only would be seeking part-time work so as not to put their Social Security benefits at risk. 

• Immigrant Residents:  Two of the proposed casino sites are in working-class areas with large populations of immigrants.  In Flushing, some have united to fight the project, fearing that it will do more harm than good. Similarly, a rising number of Coney Island residents are against The Coney, claiming that it would usher in a wave of gentrification that would also destroy Coney Island’s unique character.  

The consortium continues to promote that The Coney will bring an economic boom and rejuvenate the iconic and aging boardwalk.  A political consulting firm, Red Horse Strategies, was recently hired to do PR for the project. 

NYC Mayor Adams has not backed any specific casino project.  One large hurdle is that NYC zoning laws currently do not permit casinos.  Mayor Adams’ Deputy Press Secretary C.K. Lutvak indicated that Adams’ City of Yes for Economic Opportunity zoning proposal would make it easier for the casino to be built. 

Jenny Hernandez, a 30-year-old Mexican immigrant, has lived in Coney Island since she was a child.  In her opinion, The Coney will destroy the cultural diversity of the area.  “They will push us out and push local business out.” 

 What Can You Do? 

Sign the “No Coney Casino” petition electronically, which takes only 30 seconds. Go to noconeycasino.com and simply click where it says, “Sign the petition.” 

Contact the officials below to find out who is representing you at the Community Advisory Committee meetings.   

Communicate your Questions and Concerns to: 

NY State Senator Jessica Scarcella-Spanton, 718-727-9406.  

Assemblyman Michael Novakhov (District 45), 718-743-4078. 

Local City Council member Ari Kagan (District 47), 718-307-7151. 

Brooklyn Borough President Antonio Reynoso, 718-802–3700. 

Mayor Eric Adams, 311. 

Governor Kathy Hochul, 518-474-8390. 

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching.  Ellen is active in her community and is currently the Vice-President of Congregation Bnai Avraham in Brooklyn Heights.  She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com(www.lifecoachellen.com). 

Men don’t usually sit over coffee talking about their marriages. That’s why a particular conversation I once had with two other men really sticks out in my mind. 

The three of us were sitting and discussing the joys of wedded life. “I love my wife,” Benny said. “That’s why I do everything she asks me to do. She says, ‘Benny, please take out the garbage,’ and right away, I take out the garbage.” We all agreed that Benny loves his wife.  

Not to be outdone, I said, “I also do everything my wife asks me to do. In fact, she doesn’t even have to spell out what she wants. It’s enough that she says, ‘Whew! That garbage bag is sure smelling up the kitchen!’ for me to understand that she wants me to take out the garbage. Which I do, of course.” We all agreed that I love my wife even more than Benny loves his.  

But in the end, it turned out that Steven’s marriage was the most loving of all. Steven’s wife doesn’t have to ask him to do things for her. She doesn’t even have to drop hints. “I wake up in the morning,” Steven explained, “and I just know that she wants me to take out the garbage. Or buy her a gift like a piece of jewelry. She doesn’t have to crinkle her nose or mention the ring her cousin Sarah got for her birthday. I just know what she wants me to do for her, and I do it.” 

Showing Love for Gd – “Steven Style” 

The month of Tishre is replete with mitzvot, full of opportunities for carrying out Gd’s will. For more than three weeks, our days are filled with praying, repenting, fasting, feasting, dancing, building a sukkah, acquiring a set of a lulav and an etrog, or a bundle of hoshaanot, and dozens of other mitzvot, customs, and observances.   

The observances of Tishre fall under three general categories. There are Biblical precepts that are explicitly commanded in the Torah, such as sounding the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, fasting on Yom Kippur, and eating in the sukkah on Sukkot. There are also a number of rabbinical mitzvot – observances instituted by the prophets and the sages by the authority vested in them by the Torah. For example, the five prayer services held on Yom Kippur and the taking of the arba’ah minim (four species) on all but the first day of Sukkot are rabbinical institutions.  

Finally, the month of Tishre has many minhagim, customs that are not formally required by the Torah or by the sages. These include eating an apple dipped in honey on the first night of Rosh Hashanah and conducting the kaparot ritual in the wee hours of the morning on the day before Yom Kippur. The minhagim are not mandated by Biblical or rabbinical law, but by force of custom. These are practices that we Jews have initiated ourselves as ways to enhance our service of our Creator. 

Most amazingly, the climax of the month of Tishre – the point at which our celebration of our bond with Gd reaches the greatest heights of joy – is during the hakafot on Simhat Torah, when we take the Torah scrolls in our arms and dance with them around the reading table in the synagogue – a practice that is neither a Biblical nor a rabbinical precept, but merely a custom.  

For it is specifically through our observance of the minhagim that we express the depth of our love for Gd. The Biblical commandments might be compared to the explicitly expressed desires between two people bound in marriage. The rabbinical mitzvot, which Gd did not directly command but nevertheless constitute expressions of the Divine will, resemble the implied requests between spouses. But the minhagim represent those areas in which we intuitively sense how we might bring Gd pleasure, and in these lies our greatest joy. 

Yanki Tauber is an editor and an accomplished author.  

Sarina Roffé 

In the realm of Jewish marriage, the plight of agunah women, who are unable to obtain a “get,” a Jewish divorce, has long been a pressing issue. Addressing this challenge head-on is The LEV Organization (Lev meaning heart) with the mission of liberating these women from their agunah status and enabling them to move forward with their lives.  

In just two years, the organization has successfully obtained 19 kosher gets, with 20 additional active cases and new cases emerging regularly. 

Rabbis Attend the Event Despite Threats

Recently, an Agunah Awareness Event was held at the DSN Beach Club in Deal, NJ shedding light on the issue of get refusal, with Rabbi Paysach Krohn, Rabbi Ronnie Kassin, and several courageous women sharing their stories. Also, Rabbi Daniel Friedman described the effects of get refusal, and he provided his perspective as a child of an agunah of 26 years.  

Steven Ashkenazie, President of The LEV Organization, emphasized that the organization would not be deterred in supporting these women, their children, and their families, despite attempts to silence them through fear tactics.  

The sensitivity of the subject matter was evident, as threats were made against rabbis involved in the event, necessitating heightened security measures. “If this is how they act towards our beloved rabbis, you can imagine how they act towards their wives,” Ashkenazie said. 

He condemned the bullying and affirmed that the organization’s focus remains on aiding agunah women and preventing anyone from being threatened or abused. The strength of unity against adversity was highlighted, even though one rabbi chose not to speak due to threats against his family. 

Turning Pain into Peace

“The LEV Organization has a mantra and a goal that should be something we should strive for everyday of our lives, that is, turning pain into peace. If we can minimize some of that pain, we will be doing something so great,” said Rabbi Krohn. The rabbi spoke about the difficult Covid years and gave examples of situations in which one determined person made a difference that changed the world. He spoke of how it is each person’s obligation to be involved, not with anger, but with peace and kindness.  

One of The LEV Organization founders, Elana Dweck, was the moderator for a panel discussion. The stories shared by the agunot at the event highlighted the devastating impact of get refusal on their lives. Along with Rabbi Friedman, the speakers included two current agunot (seven years each) and one former agunah (three years).  

Embracing Agunot  

Rikki, who was the first agunah to receive her get through the work of The LEV Organization said, “The LEV Organization did not turn me away because I was not from the community. They embraced me and they worked with me and effectively at the end of the day, they got my get!!” 

“I remember the first time I called for help. I called this one organization and I called again and again. They said we are sorry; we have no resources to do more.” 

“I called the LEV (Organization) before Pesach. They said to me, ‘You will make Pesach and take them (my children) on a trip during hol hamoed.’ I took them to Great Adventure, and I was on a roller coaster, speaking to them. They said, ‘You are not alone; you have an army behind you. We will support you and back you,’ and I believed them. I started to cry in Great Adventure. I realized I am not on my own.”  

“We were invited to an agunah event (with other families) and my child said, ‘I want to meet those people.’ So we went, and after my son said, ‘This was best night of my entire life. Until tonight I didn’t believe anyone cared. Look how many people cared about us.’ That’s something powerful.” On the morning Rikki received her get, her daughter cried tears of joy, later sending her mother a note about how proud she was of her for fighting for them. 

Agunot Speak Out 

Mazie Levy has been agunah for seven years. “It feels like a lot more than seven because you suffer for many years before that. We try to make it work but when it doesn’t, you leave. I was on an emotional roller coaster from anger to sadness and back again. Everyone has hopes and dreams and with this you can’t plan for the future. Your health is affected. So many years are lost. Your whole life is on hold. The LEV (Organization) never let us give up. They encourage us to move forward.”  

“I didn’t know how to explain the pain,” said Esther Ohayon, who has been an agunah for seven years. “I did not realize the challenges for myself and my children. I am a mother and father to my children. I had to deal with the daily expenses, and it was me and only me they had to rely on.” 

The prolonged absence of a get not only prevents them from pursuing new relationships, remarrying, or having children but also perpetuates a lifetime of emotional distress. The LEV Organization aims to transform this pain into peace. 

The LEV’s Assessment and Guidance

Each agunah case is carefully assessed through an intake process, to see if reconciliation is an option, as the organization does not advocate for divorce. Unfortunately, many cases referred to The LEV Organization have already surpassed the point of reconciliation, having exhausted counseling and reconciliation efforts.  

Attempts are made to listen and speak with both parties involved to peacefully mediate the issuance of the get, and deal with any custodial and assets involved. The organization serves as a safe space for individuals seeking or looking to issue a get, and they actively seek guidance from community rabbis to navigate the complexities of Jewish halacha. 

Raising awareness about the issue of get refusal and showing support for agunot is crucial to preventing future cases. If a Seruv (a form of contempt of court order issued by a Bet Din (rabbinical court) in an effort to compel action by an individual) is issued against the get refuser all members of the community are forbidden from having any dealings with him. It is forbidden to count him as part of a minyan. It is forbidden to answer “Amen” when he recites the Kaddish prayer. He is not to be given any place to sit in a synagogue or bet midrash. It is forbidden to inquire on his welfare. He is not to be buried in a Jewish grave. 

Working for Systemic Change 

The LEV Organization aspires to bring about systemic change, ensuring that each agunah knows they are not alone and providing them with a voice.  

Couples can also take preventive measures by considering prenuptial agreements, such as those offered by the Rabbinical Council of America and the Yashar Initiative, which can help prevent future complications. Couples should speak to their rabbi to learn more and see which option is best for them. 

Volunteers can contribute in various capacities, and financial support can significantly assist the agunot who often find themselves without resources to support their families. 

“We [LEV] are rescuing people that are drowning in the ocean,” said Rikki. “I am here for so many women who were left behind. [After I got my ge] my family asked me, ‘Why are you not moving on? Get a life; do something.’ We are Jewish people, we have a heart, we have empathy, how can we move on when there is one other person suffering?” 

The Power of Unity 

Steven Ashkenazie concluded the event by emphasizing the strength and power of unity, urging everyone to join the cause against get refusal.  

Elana Dweck closed out the panel discussion with a truly heartwarming appreciation for all who attended and who were watching around the world. “It’s an unbelievable thing to see, a full room in front of me when we kind of all started from WhatsApp groups and texting each other.” As the tears ran down Elana’s face, she said, “I’m going to be honest, I never knew anything about this world, and it is very sad that nobody really does. So I just want to thank everybody for being here. It’s unbelievable to see because I could have never imagined this.” 

By standing together, supporting one another, and spreading awareness, the organization aims to bring freedom and harmony to those trapped in the chains of get refusal. 

In the face of adversity, The LEV Organization seeks to make a difference, one get at a time, and pave the way where our children and grandchildren never have to know the plight or meaning of an agunah. 

Those who need help or want more information should go to www.thelev.org. 

A genealogist and historian, Sarina Roffé is the author of Branching Out from Sepharad (Sephardic Heritage Project, 2017). She is researching a new book: Syria – Paths to Freedom. Sarina holds a BA in Journalism, an MA in Jewish Studies, and an MBA.