The other day, I witnessed a woman in the supermarket telling her kids she needed to find her glasses so she could read her shopping list. Meanwhile, the glasses were clearly on top of her head! I was unsure whether it was my place to say anything, so I didn’t say a word. Afterwards, I thought to myself that perhaps if I did say something, I could have saved her a few moments of annoyance in exchange for a few moments of embarrassment. Did I do the right thing? When it is appropriate to help a stranger who is not asking for help?
Signed,
To Help or Not to Help
Dear Helper,
They say that the Bet Hamikdash was destroyed because of baseless hatred, sin’at hinam. The best way for the Jewish people to get back into Hashem’s good graces would be by doing acts of ahavat hinam – baseless love. Put another way, spontaneous, unasked for acts of kindness.
Rabbi Avigdor Miller once commented, if you are driving down Coney Island Avenue (that’s a busy, business street in Brooklyn), and you see an elderly person waiting at the bus stop and you know the bus is blocks away, you have an obligation to stop your car, pick him/her up, and drive them to their destination.
Whoa! That’s a lot to ask. But imagine if you did it! How great would you feel?! Of course, that’s not so easy to do under today’s conditions, but I think you get the point.
If you would have told that woman in such a way that her kids didn’t hear or see you telling her anything, that would have avoided any embarrassment and you would have done an act of ahavat hinam, for which you would be rewarded. You didn’t do anything wrong – you just missed an opportunity for a mitzvah.
That’s an important lesson for all of us. To go the extra mile, even if it means driving a few minutes out of your way.
If you’re married, then you should know that these words resonated through the heavens already 40 days prior to your conception.1 Yes, before man is even but a fetus in his mother’s womb, a heavenly voice proclaims precisely whom he is destined to marry. It is, quite literally, a match made in heaven!
MinHaShamayim
Many of those who are in the midst of the process of searching for a shidduch, or “bazra,” find the process to be difficult, and perhaps even exhausting.
Our hachamim make a seemingly peculiar statement in regard to a person’s quest for a soulmate: “Matchmaking is as difficult for Gd as was the splitting of the sea.” The words of our sages are obviously profound, and need to be explained. Was splitting the sea “difficult” for Hashem? Does any act – natural or supernatural – require even the slightest effort on His part? Can we dare limit his capabilities, or suggest that He encounters “difficulty” doing something? Certainly not.
Hashem himself declares, “Am I under any limitations?” Indeed, He is not limited by any constraints.
So, just how hard is it for Gd to split the sea? It is effortless. To say matchmaking is “just as hard” would thus mean that it is exactly as effortless as the aforementioned miracle.
The question remains, however, just what are the hachamim teaching us in this passage?
If we trust that Gd is indeed the one true matchmaker, then we can rest assured that at the right time, Hashem will easily send us our intended mate, for it is as easy for Gd as the splitting of the sea. However, if one believes the finding of a mate is dependent solely on the means of his or her own efforts – then that person has good reason to despair, because this undertaking is as difficult as splitting the sea!
Priorities First
Besides recognizing that finding a soulmate depends solely on Hashem, it is also essential to first know what’s important, which traits and qualities are required for a marriage to succeed. When setting out to take this critical step, one must learn of the fundamental character trait that we, as Jews, have emphasized more than any other when finding a spouse – a tradition that dates back to the days of our forefathers.
When Avraham Avinu’s trusted servant, Eliezer, set out to find a wife for his master’s son, he prayed for a sign. He decided that if a girl at the well would offer water for both him and his camels this would be a heavenly sign that she was chosen to marry Yitzhak.
Just as he concluded his prayer, Eliezer witnessed something remarkable. Rivkah, the daughter of Avraham’s nephew, Betuel, made her way to the well, whereupon the water miraculously rose from the well’s surface. After seeing this miracle, Eliezer headed over to Rivkah to see if she would meet the criterion which he had established. Of course, as we all know, she did, offering to draw water for both Eliezer himself and his camels.
The question is obvious. Eliezer saw with his own eyes how Gd performed an open miracle for Rivkah, and yet he still insisted on “testing” her by asking for water. Wasn’t the miracle sufficient to prove her worthiness as a marriage partner for Yitzhak? Did Eliezer not recognize already then that Rivkah was a special, righteous girl with the credentials for joining the family of Avraham?
Rabbi Yitzhak Zev Soloveitchik, zt”l, explains that indeed, Eliezer was not “sold” on Rivkah after seeing the miracle. Although this miracle was significant and noteworthy, it did not prove that Rivkah had the most vital quality necessary for marriage: good middot. The fact that she was righteous enough to deserve a miracle did not mean that she was kindhearted, thoughtful and generous. And therefore Eliezer proceeded with his plan, asking for water to see her response.
When one sets out to find a match, middot must occupy the very highest rung on the priority scale. While good looks, financial resources and a high-ranking social status might sound nice on paper, don’t forget that these extras can be lost or stolen in the blink of an eye. The person with a genuinely pleasant, selfless character is the one who makes the perfect soul-mate, and these are the qualities that will sustain a marriage through thick and thin, and build a home of true happiness and joy.
I became interested in genealogy and our family history already as a teenager. Every time my father, Abe Missry, or my mother, Renee (Salem) Missry, would introduce me to a relative, I wanted to know exactly how they were related. I often made primitive diagrams, filling in the blanks.
There was a lot to fill in. Each of my parents had over 80 first cousins. I had about 50; 33 first cousins on the Missry side alone.
Our grandparents were Frieda Shaalo and Joseph Nessim Missry, both born in Aleppo. Joseph was the eldest son of Selim Missry and Hanna Hazan. Selim and Hanna had two sons, Joseph and Jack, and four daughters, Sara, Grace, Becky, and Rose. Frieda was the daughter of Abraham Shaalo and Grace Teubal.
As a professional genealogist, I have found many important discoveries, each with its own “Aha” moment. During the COVID-19 lockdown, I had both the time and the attention of my 30 Missry cousins (three have passed on) through our very active WhatsApp group to update our Missry family tree, and to unlock many mysteries.
The story we were told is that Frieda Sha’alo came to Ellis Island at the age of 13 or 14 as a child bride for a man with the surname Ballisano. When he saw her, he said, “I sent for a wife, and they sent me a child,” and gave her money to return to Syria. No one went back in those days. Allegedly, my grandfather Joseph heard of her plight and said, “If no one else marries you, I will” and their fate was sealed.
But I discovered something much different.
Double Surnames
Joe’s naturalization application
The first thing we need to realize is that many Syrian families had two surnames, in order to distinguish between different branches of the family.
Years ago, I was asked by the family of Isaac Shalom to find his ship record and marriage certificate to Alice Chabot. There was nothing listed anywhere. But then I found Isaac’s application for naturalization – on which he wrote that he came to Ellis Island traveling under the name Isak Chalon. Aha!
But where was their marriage certificate? A search of city records found a marriage on the same date between Isaac Shalom and Geraz Levy. The Chabot/Shabot double surname in Aleppo was Shabot Levy. (Alice’s brother had taken the name Levy, not Shabot, on Ellis Island. I ordered the actual certificate from the Municipal Archives and sure enough, Alice was listed as Geraz Chabot Levy. Aha!
“But her name is Alice,” said her grandson, Isaac Richard Shalom.
“I assure you no one came from Aleppo using the name Alice,” I replied. Alice was an American name.
These two discoveries are included in the book about Isaac Shalom Keeper of the Flame – The Life and Times of Isaac Shalom by Isaac Richard Shalom and Jeffery Michael Beal.
Back to the Missry family. I had difficulty finding the ship records of Joseph Missry and Frieda Shaalo. But I stubbornly persisted, and I found an index number on Frieda’s naturalization record. This led me to her application for naturalization, on which she wrote that she came to the U.S. using the name Freda Schma in June 1907. The ship record says Frieda came with her brother, Ezra, and their destination was the home of David and Merhaba Levy, their older sister.
But how did Sha’alo become Schma??
I spoke to Judy Levy, one of my father’s cousins, wo explained that Schma is a transliteration of Shamah. The family double surname in Aleppo was Shamah Shacalo. Aha!
Another discovery concerned my grandfather, Joseph Missry. Joseph arrived in 1908 to escape conscription into the Turkish army, under the name Youssef Masry. But his application for naturalization showed his first arrival was in October 1919 at Rouse’s Point, NY, the border with Canada. How could that be right if I had a ship record from 1908, that listed his mother as his point of contact in Aleppo? And I had a marriage certificate that showed Joseph and Freda were married in June 1909 and had three children by 1919. Also, Joseph had registered for the draft in World War I.
It turned out that Joseph worked for the Syrian-owned Chinese Linen Importing Co., and he traveled so often he could not meet the five-year residency requirement until 1924, using the 1919 entry. Aha!
So now I knew that the story all the cousins had been told was not entirely true. Frieda was in New York a full two years before she married Joseph in June 1909!
The Argentina Connection
Joseph Missry holding his grandson.
More discoveries. Al Shabot married my aunt, Ann Missry, the eldest daughter of Joseph and Frieda. Al, whose Hebrew name was Abraham, had the English name Albert on legal documents. He came under the name Bramino Levi. Again, we have the Shabot Levy double surname.
Mollie Missry, the fourth child of Joseph and Frieda, married Earl Falack, her first cousin, the son of Joseph’s sister Sara (Missry) and Jacob Falack. Earl was born in Aleppo under the name Isidore. The Falacks left Aleppo with Isidore but got stuck in Corsica due to World War I. Jacob and Sara had two children – Sam and Milo – in Corsica. But according to their ship records, they traveled under the name Falak, and Sara was listed as Siera, Isidore was Lizerre, Milo was Emilio, and Sam was Simri. It appears they took or were given Italian names. Under the column, “person in the country who knew them,” they listed Haim Djuejati, the husband of Joseph’s sister, Grace Missry.
The next discovery had to do with Grace (Missry) Djuejati. I had always known that Grace went to Buenos Aires, Argentina and had met her son Selim there on a vacation years ago. What I didn’t know was that one of her children had stayed in Syria, with the last one coming to New York during the 1992 airlift from Syria. How could I find them?
I found Djouejati (there are many spellings) in the online Brooklyn phone book and called. This led to amazing interviews and stories of each person’s escape, until the last family member got out in 1992. I was able to connect to the Buenos Aires descendants by reaching out to contacts there.
An Amazing Graveyard Discovery
Joseph’s son, Matthew Missry, served in the U.S. Navy on the U.S. Gandy in 1943.
The last and most important discovery has to do with my great-grandmother, Hanna, or Anna Hazan Missry. I had not even known she came to America. I was in the cemetery on Staten Island, photographing my relatives’ gravestones for my book about our family history – L’Dor V’Dor: Tracing the Missry Family Heritage – when my cousin, Abe Jerome, tipped me off to her stone.
My great grandmother had been in New York? Why had no one ever mentioned it?
Apparently, she died so long ago, the elders in the family didn’t mention it until I asked.
As it turns out, Hanna Missry came to New York in September 1912 with her three youngest children – Bahia, Jacob and Rose – and with the family shawl. This shawl has been used in our family at brit milahs for generations. This discovery helped me understand that Hanna brought the shawl to America for the brit of her first grandchild, my uncle Sam Missry, who was born in November 1912.
Sephardic Heritage Project
Jack Missry
In 2011, I founded the Sephardic Heritage Project, a nonprofit organization devoted to acquiring genealogical records from Sephardic communities around the world. One project involved translating and databasing 7,500-plus brit milah records of the Dayan mohelim from Syria. In those records, I found that the brit milah of my grandfather, Joseph Nessim Missry, took place on September 5, 1891. Assuming the brit was on time, Joseph’s birthday was August 29, 1891.
The importance of recording one’s family history is indicated by the Torah, which includes 477 genealogical records. The Prophets and other books of the Bible include 2,756 genealogical records. Divrei Hayamim (Chronicles) is almost entirely concerned with genealogy.
A family’s genealogical history is such a precious gift that we can give to future generations, especially for large families. Let’s all take some time for this vitally important project, laying a strong, firm foundation for our descendants for centuries to come.
Tips for Searching your Family Tree
Disregard spelling. Dweck, Doueck, Dwek, Douk are all the same. Same with Missry, Misry, Misria. I found 11 different spellings of Dushey.
Dates can be deceiving, even on primary source documents. Most people in Syria did not know their real birthdays, and there are no primary source documents to prove birth. Hence, the same person can have different birthdays listed on different documents.
Know the double surname of your family. It can be a key element of learning your family history.
Interview the elders in your family. Keep asking questions. You never know which question will elicit a memory or anecdote.
Check out sephardicgen.com and sephardicheritageproject.org for information.
Sarina Roffé is a professional genealogist working on family trees through her company Sephardic Genealogical Journeys (sephardicgenjourneys.com).
A momentous event occurred in the Jewish community early this year that had nothing to do with the coronavirus.
On January 1, the Jewish world celebrated the 13th global Siyum HaShas, honoring those who had completed the Talmud by learning one daf (page) each day. There are 2,711 pages in the Gemara, and thus the Daf Yomi cycle spans approximately seven years and five months.
The Siyum was a global celebration that generated a great deal of energy and excitement throughout the Jewish world. Over 90,000 men, women and children gathered at MetLife Stadium, and tens of thousands more celebrated this momentous event in a variety of other venues throughout the world.
The idea of Jews across the globe representing a variety of backgrounds studying the very same text each day was the brainchild of Rabbi Meir Shapiro, the famed Rosh Yeshiva of Chachmei Lublin in Poland (1887-1933). When he proposed the idea at the First World Congress of Agudath Israel in Vienna on August 16, 1923, many rabbinic leaders enthusiastically embraced his idea, which they saw as a way of unifying the Jewish people by providing a commonality of purpose and injecting pride in being part of the Torah world.
The sense of communal connection which we all felt so powerfully at the heels of January’s momentous Siyum HaShas was sadly disrupted due to the COVID-19 crisis. Daily prayers in the synagogue, the recitation of Kaddish and Birkat Kohanim, and Daf Yomi classes were all suspended. Everyone was relegated to creating their own mikdash me’at (miniature sanctuary) in their own homes, and creating “Zoom” classes. With many community members falling ill and being hospitalized, and everyone else being quarantined and separated, the sense of unity and togetherness was, sadly, lost.
“Let’s Shoot for the Stars”
Yet, in a vacuum, innovation occurs.
A self-proclaimed “regular guy”, Marc Sayegh, responding to the rabbis’ call for unity in the community and seeking to bring zechut (merit) to end the crisis and healing to the sick, thought to himself, “If we’re going to come together as a community, let’s shoot for the stars and do the impossible.”
Mr. Sayegh’s idea was simple, yet ingenious.
Just as groups sometimes form to divide the book of Tehillim, each committing to recite certain chapters so that the group collectively completes the entire book, Marc decided to unite the community to do the same with Shas. Instead of each individual learning one page a day for 2,711 days, he figured, let’s gather 2,711 men who will commit to learn one page, such that altogether, they will finish the entire Shas by Shavuot, which was just six weeks away. Shooting for the stars, indeed!
Mr. Sayegh approached several prominent community rabbis, including Rabbi Rahamim Churba, Rabbi Eli Mansour, and Rabbi Duvi Ben Sousson, for their advice and blessing. Then, together with his “partner in crime,” Benny Serure, who spent countless hours making phone calls to publicize the event, and with the support of Morris Dweck from Itorah.com, Mr. Sayegh had a website created and advertised the endeavor. In just six weeks, 600 men from around the world had committed to learn all 2,711 pages.
A Celebration of Unity
Speaking at the Siyum, which was livestreamed on Itorah.com, Rabbi Churba stressed that each one of us is a vital member of Klal Yisrael with unique qualities that enhance the whole group.
“With ahdut we can do great things; we could not have completed the Shas without those who committed to learning even one daf,” Rabbi Churba reflected.
Rabbi Ben Sousson echoed Rabbi Churba’s sentiments with the story of an elderly Holocaust survivor who, after learning one daf, his first ever, wanted to make a siyum. His son was concerned that this might not be proper protocol, and so he consulted with Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, who agreed with the father – that this was truly a cause for celebration. Rabbi Feinstein even asked if he could participate.
The day after the siyum, the man passed away.
Speaking at the funeral, Rabbi Feinstein said of this man, “There are those who acquire their world with one daf.”
Rabbi Ben Soussan applied the lesson of this inspiring story to the recent community siyum.
“There are many people who participated in the learning for this siyum who studied their first daf ever,” he said. “They don’t realize that they receive the full zechut of Shas. Everyone who learned even one daf is an equal participant in the Siyum HaShas and celebration of unity.”
With the encouragement of the rabbis, Community Shas has started a new cycle with the goal of completing the entire Shas by Rosh Hashanah. Anybody interested in joining is encouraged to visit communityshas.com and register for the page or pages he wishes to learn.
You may be familiar with this parashah bulletin. The Magen Abraham Synagogue of West Long Branch, NJ has been producing this weekly bulletin for close to 25 years, and until recently it has been distributed to approximately 20 different shuls in the Brooklyn and Deal communities. However, when all the shuls shut down a few months ago, distribution to shuls ended. Even though the production of the bulletin continued, the only way to receive the bulletin was by email or snail mail. Anyone who was accustomed to pick up a copy in his local shul every week no longer had that luxury.
Many have been asking how they can begin receiving the weekly bulletin again. If your shul would like to receive copies every week, or if you would like the weekly bulletin to be emailed to you personally, you can send your request to jvrishty@gmail.com. There is no charge for this service.
Hachnasat Sefer Torah at Minyan Avrechim Sefaradi
On Sunday, July 5th, an emerging kehilla in the heart of Lakewood’s Sephardic community celebrated its first Hachnasat Sefer Torah. Minyan Avrechim Sefaradi, or “the Marc Shul,” as it is affectionately known, was established four years ago in a small shed, barely getting a minyan. It quickly grew to number over forty families as well as many mitpallelim from the neighborhood and enthusiastic summer visitors.
Under the leadership of Rabbi Ariel Ovadia, joined by his brother-in-law Rabbi Moshe Pinchasi, the synagogue boasts minyanim on Shabbat and throughout the week, shiurim in halacha, Ein Yaakov, pizmonim, children’s programs by Rabbi Jackie Mizrahi, special learning chaburot with Rabbi Haim Sananes, and a morning kollel named “Midrash David.” The shul is well known for its warmth and close-knit atmosphere.
The idea of writing a community Sefer Torah was conceived when the Sefer Torah they were using was found to have many mistakes. The community decided to undertake the writing of a Sefer Torah Mehudar. After searching out a sofer, and researching the important details involved in writing a Sefer Torah, a dedication plaque was hung in the shul and every family dedicated a parashah or a letter, assigning the sofer to act as an agent on their behalf to fulfill the mitzvah of writing a Sefer Torah.
Two years later, the Sefer Torah was completed and was ready to be ushered into the Bet Knesset. A special case was commissioned with the inscriptions of all the names of the kehilla members and donors. After delaying the hachanasa a couple of months, it was finally celebrated with great excitement and true joy, as every member of the kehilla was a participant and a “Baal HaMitzvah” himself. A building campaign was launched at the event to serve the growing kehilla.
New York Allowing Nursing Home Visitation
New York State has finally restored visitation in nursing homes, albeit on a limited basis, nearly four months after visitors were banned from nursing homes and hospitals due to the coronavirus pandemic.
Nursing homes and long-term-care facilities in which COVID-19 has been absent for at least 28 days will be allowed to resume limited visitations. Each resident will be permitted two visitors at a time, at least one of whom must be at least 18 years old, but only 10 percent of a facility’s residents may have visitors at any one time. Visitors must undergo temperature checks, wear face coverings, and maintain social distance during the visit.
The resumption of on-site visitation for the state’s Long Term Care Ombudsman program, which provides additional support to residents of nursing homes and long-term-care facilities, has also been restored.
Elected officials and activists who have been advocating for months to allow visitation in hospitals and nursing homes applauded the announcement.
“It’s about time that people are able to visit their loved ones in nursing homes,” State Senator Simcha Felder said. “This prohibition took a massive emotional toll on residents and their loved ones. This critical change marks the start of healing that I’m sure will save lives.”
We originally called this recipe “Lunch for Mom by the Pool,” because it happens to be that kind of healthy and delicious dish that you’d want to enjoy for lunch when you’re relaxing on your off day (and moms today definitely deserve a day like that!)
But we’ve also served this many times for seudah shelishit and it was always just the perfect thing and always a hit. It’s special enough that if you’re having a lot of company, this can be the main, starring item on the table. It’s light, but also substantial enough that it works as a meal. And it happens to be beautiful too.
We also love it because there’s absolutely no chopping involved as long as your local
supermarket sells the pre-spiralized veggies. Sauté some mushrooms, make the dressing,
mash some tuna, and you have this show-stopping salad that’s also delicious and very special.
Tuna Salad Lunch for Mom by the Pool 1 five-ounce container baby kale or desired greens
1 container spiralized carrots
1 container spiralized beets
8 ounces sliced baby Bella mushrooms
2 tablespoons white or red wine vinegar
Tuna salad (1 can prepared with 1 tablespoon mayo, 1 tablespoon lemon juice, pinch onion
powder, chopped red onion, parsley, or however you like)
2 tablespoons slivered almonds
Creamy Balsamic
¼ cup light mayonnaise
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon water
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1 teaspoon or packet sweetener
½ teaspoon salt
Directions
Prepare the dressing. Whisk together all ingredients until smooth.
Prepare the mushrooms. Grease and heat a frying pan. Add mushrooms and vinegar.
Cook until mushrooms are browned, 3-4 minutes.
In a bowl, combine kale, shredded carrots, shredded beets, and mushrooms. Top with
tuna and slivered almonds. Drizzle with balsamic dressing.
Morris entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a ”birthday/anniversary card.”
The clerk replied, “We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?”
Morris said, “You don’t understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife’s forty-fifth birthday.”
Carol T.
New Car
Early one evening David scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out from the garage onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools, and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied David, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready to take it for a spin.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys, and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
Steven H.
The Next Best Thing
Morty, an account executive in a large company, was planning a trip to the home office. Very rigid about his exercise schedule, he wanted to find a hotel with an exercise facility. Morty called several hotels asking if they had a weight room, but they all answered, “No.” Finally, after much searching, he found one that sounded accommodating. After checking with her manager, the front desk clerk at the nearby Lakeside Inn replied, “While we don’t exactly have a dedicated weight room… we do have a lobby that you can wait in.”
Jack V. Grazi
Long Time, No See
Daniel bumped into somebody on the street who looked like his old friend Jack.
“Jack,” he said, “you’ve put on weight and your hair has turned gray. You seem a few inches shorter than I recall and your cheeks are puffy. Plus, you’re walking differently and even sound different. Jack, what happened to you?”
“Excuse me, sir,” the other gentleman replied, looking quite annoyed. He then turned his back on Daniel and began walking away.
“Oh, come on, Jack,” Daniel said. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Turning around the other gentleman responded irritably, “My name is not Jack!”
“Wow!” Daniel said as he paused for a moment. “You even changed your name.”
Chanch L.
Back to School!
It was September, and miracle of miracles, schools opened again.
Shira showed up at school with her four kids, aged 12 to six. The youngest one, Shlomo, was starting first grade.
Rabbi Lipshitz, the school principal, asked Shira what she was going to do all day now that all of her kids would be back in school.
Shira replied immediately, “Cartwheels!”
Frieda M.
Grocery Store
Mr. Mandel, the owner of Kosher City, a local grocery store reached out to one of his larger volume customers. “Thank you, Mr. Markewitz, for shopping at my store. I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
“Wow, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Mr. Markewitz. “You know that I argue about every bill and always return a bunch of items.”
Mr. Mandel replied, “I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have hundreds!”
Marlene G.
Politics of Public Transportation
A Congressman visiting Washington, DC decided that it would be a good idea to wear casual clothes and take the bus to the Capitol Building instead of his car, so that he could see how the working people get around the city. Unfamiliar with the public transportation system, he spotted a police officer and asked for directions.
“Excuse me, officer,” he said, “how do I get to the Capitol Building?”
“Simple, just wait here at this bus stop for the number 34 bus,” the officer replied. “It’ll take you right there.” The Congressman thanked him and the officer drove off.
Three hours later, the police officer was cruising the same area and, to his surprise, the man he gave directions to earlier was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but didn’t I explain that to get to the Capitol Building you should take the number 34 bus?”
“Oh yes, I didn’t forget,” the Congressman said.
“But that was three hours ago!” the policeman exclaimed, “Why are you still here?”
“Don’t worry, officer,” the Congressman calmly reassured him, “it won’t be long now… the 29th bus just went by!”
Ike Z.
In the Bag
Last year Chaim had a large company fly him out for a meeting. It was his first time in business class.
During the return flight the stewardess gave Chaim some gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, he decided to save them for later, so he placed them in an air sickness bag.
After the plane landed Chaim got up to leave and a stewardess approached him. She asked, “Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?”
Chaim replied, “No thanks, I’m saving it for my kids!”
Elizabeth S.
A Taste of Home
Although they were being married in New Hampshire, Melissa wanted to add a touch of her home state, Kansas, to the wedding. Her fiancée, explaining this to a friend, said that they were planning to give guests wheat, rather than rice, to throw after the ceremony.
The friend thought for a moment and then said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”
Yitzy D
A Legal Opinion
After trying to prepare his will on his own without success, Milton decided to consult with a lawyer. He sat down in the posh uptown office and said, “I need to make a will to distribute my wealth after I die, but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”
“Not to worry,” said the lawyer. “This is a difficult decision for many people. Just relax and leave everything to me.”
Seeing that his answer had the opposite effect on Milton, who was looking very disturbed now, the lawyer asked, “Is everything okay?”
Milton responded, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave something for my children, too!”
Y. Daneshpanahi
Tomato Crash
Two tomatoes were crossing the street when suddenly a car came and smashed one tomato. The other tomato turned around and said, “Come on, ketchup!”
A new clothing store just opened. The owner has devised his own method of pricing items. A vest costs $20, socks cost $25, a tie costs $15, and a blouse costs $30. Using the owner’s method, how much would a pair of pajamas cost?
Previous Riddle from March Issue: TEE TIME
Four golfers named Mr. Black, Mr. White, Mr. Brown, and Mr. Blue were competing in a golf tournament. The caddy didn’t know their names, so he asked them. One of them, Mr. Brown, told a lie.
The 1st golfer said, “The 2nd golfer is Mr. Black.”
The 2nd golfer said, “I am not Mr. Blue!”
The 3rd golfer said, “Mr. White? That’s the 4th golfer.”
And the 4th golfer remained silent.
Which one of the golfers is Mr. Blue?
Solution: The third golfer
Solved by: Sharon Hayfaz, Victor J. Harary, Chaim Schnurmann, and Big Mike.
Junior Riddle: The Invisible Apple
SUBMITTED BY STEVEN N.
There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?
Previous Junior Riddle: A Numbers Game
Double my number, I’m less than a score, half of my number is less than four. Add one to my double when bakers are near, days of the week are still greater, I fear. What am I?
Solution: The number six.
Solved by:B. Biller, The Grazis, The Harary Family, Meir Schnurmann, The Shmultser, and Blimi Yoffe.
“Sari, you have to know that what you do makes a difference, holding that iPad up, being the messenger of love that people need right now is why you are so special. We wanted to give you a virtual hug but also give you the verbal thank you that you deserve, your tears are real and we cry with you but we celebrate the fact that people like you exist.”~~ Tamron Hall, ABC Talk Show Host.” (See Sari’s interview –https://tamronhallshow.com/videos/advocating-for-covid-19-patients-without-families/)
I am honored to introduce you to Sari Shamah, a patient advocate at Monmouth Medical Center in Long Branch, NJ. She is on the front line daily, supporting and empowering patients and caregivers through the stress, fear, and frustration that accompanies a hospital stay. Sari has become a lifeline to her patients’ family members since the pandemic hit NJ residents so dramaticaly.
Growing Up
Let’s step back to Sari’s roots to understand why she became the nurturing, fiercely passionate, strong, and loving woman she is today. Sari was born in Brooklyn to a Syrian mother, Eleanor Heiney and an Ashkenazic father, Harvey Steinberg, a”h. Sari says, “I got the best from each culture!” Sari lived in Texas between the ages of five and eleven. At eleven her family relocated to Long Branch, NJ and Sari considers herself a Jersey Girl. An “A” student, Sari loved school and was the VP of her high school class for two years.
I asked Sari and her friends to choose five adjectives to describe her. Sari’s friends responded with fun, energetic, kind, caring, generous, selfless, loving, and a thoughtful hero. Sari added nurturing, friendly, fierce, strong, and compassionate.
“I’ve always been a nurturer and enjoyed taking care of my younger siblings and others, even as a child. My mother called me a ‘mitzvah girl’ and I said, ‘please don’t call me that or put me on a pedestal, I’m not perfect.’”
I noticed that Sari is a modest person who avoids the spotlight. She confessed to being shy in a big crowd and she thrives when she connects one-on-one. She lives her life purposefully and puts her heart and soul into everything she takes on, especially when it involves helping people.
Sari is often told that she does not just do her job, she gives 150%. As we follow her through career and community work, we will see that it is Sari’s essence to do whatever she can and beyond!
Then Came Marriage
Sari attended Ohio State University for one year and then returned back East. She first met her husband Ronald D. Shamah (“Ronnie”) at 17. Three years later they married, and lived in Brooklyn for 11 years. Ronnie is the Director of Sales for Perfect Packaging and is the coordinator of the Jersey Shore Hatzalah. The couple moved to Oakhurst, NJ after their youngest was born and they have been ardently devoted to their community ever since. The couple has four children, David (Doctor of School Psychology), Florence (Doctor of Audiology), Alan (co-owner of Alda Cosmetics, LLC) and Joseph (an actuary). Three live close by with their families in NJ and David lives in Baltimore. Sari “lives and breathes her children and grandchildren” and is very hands-on. “I am passionate about helping people,” Sari says, “but my family always comes first.”
Exercising Her Kindness Muscle
While Sari was busy raising her children, she committed to carving out time to volunteer at Sephardic Bikur Holim (SBH) in Brooklyn and she continued her community and hesed projects in NJ for 30 years. Sari took on various leadership roles such as heading the Chinese auctions, being an SBH captain (advocating for clients), and much more. She recently retired from the NJ SBH Board but is still active on the crisis team. Sari and Ronnie were also integrally involved in the Jersey Shore Hatzalah since its inception in 2003. Sari retired as a Hatzalah dispatcher after 15 years, and Ronnie is the coordinator of Hatzalah. Both Sari and Ronnie are impassioned about helping to save lives.
Caree
As a newlywed, Sari worked in clothing sales in Brooklyn for three years and she took a break when she and Ronnie started their family. When their kids were older, Sari took a sales job in Oakhurst at Casablanca’s, a gift shop. In 2007, Sari joined Gem Time Inc., a wholesale watch company. At Gem Time she successfully landed an account with Bloomingdales and appeared on the QVC network and sold 1,500 watches in less than two minutes.
Sari attributes her sales savvy to her knack for building relationships. Her Bloomingdales contact confided, “I am giving you a chance because I like you.”
She became an entrepreneur when she launched Sweet Cheeks Diaper Creations in 2014. What sparked this venture? Sari’s friend admired a Mr. Mets centerpiece made of rolled receiving blankets and other accessories that Sari had created for her own grandson’s brit milah. The orders started rolling in!
Community Liaison
Sari’s opportunity to work as a patient advocate came quite unexpectedly six years ago. Shiri Zimmerman, Sari’s friend who is in SBS Career Services, called with the perfect job, as a Community Liaison for the Sephardic Friends of Monmouth Medical Center (“MMC”).Given the influx of the Sephardic Jews to the Jersey Shore during the summer, MMC needed a community representative to provide a friendly face to patients coming through its Emergency Room doors. Sari quickly prepared a resume, first thinking that she did not have the appropriate skills. “I totally forgot about all the SBH volunteer jobs that I had done over the years!” It was no surprise that Sari was hired, and she did so well that the position became a permanent one and expanded. Sari was now working as a patient advocate, not only in the ER but for the entire hospital. There are currently four other advocates.
When I asked Sari if she was excited when she received the job offer, she shared, “I said to myself, ‘I’ve been doing this job my whole life, you mean I could have been getting paid for it?!’”
Sari’s role is essential in normal times (pre Covid-19) and in particular when a patient cannot advocate for himself or has no family member to advocate for him. Patient advocates troubleshoot on behalf of patients and caregivers and help them to navigate hospital logistics. Sari is often asked to investigate why a surgery has been delayed or when a patient will be discharged. Sari also supports hospital staff by resolving non-medical concerns. A friendly visit or the offer of a warm blanket can make a big difference to a patient.
Covid-19
During the pandemic, when everyone is potentially contagious, Sari may not enter patient rooms, and family members are not allowed to visit. Wearing a mask and gloves, Sari is on her feet five days a week, working six-hour shifts. She intercedes for worried family members who call the hospital, desperate for patient updates.With an iPad in hand, one of Sari’s key tasks has become facetiming with families outside the patient’s room.
MMC created a new position on each unit, that of the nurse liaison, who handles the high volume of requests for medical updates for Covid-19 patients. The nurse liaison is responsible for obtaining updates from the doctors and then calling the designated family member on the patient record with these updates. Unfortunately, many concerned family members are not aware of the timetable at the hospital and the steps required to acquire updates. They do not realize that the liaison can not call back multiple people who inquire about the same patient. Yes, you guessed it! These anxious loved ones then call Sari. Sari is socompassionate, and her heart breaks each time she holds up her iPad to the window and witnesses the most intimate and private moments with family members, begging their parents to fight and to not leave them. However, Sari does have to comply with hospital regulations and has to set limits. She explains the HIPPA rules, and gently urges the family members not to call every contact they have in the hospital and flood the nurses’ station with calls. She encourages family members to be patient and to be respectful of nurses and doctors who are busy saving lives. Although Sari is not permitted to relay medical information, she checks in with the nurse liaison, and assures the family that she knows the patient’s nurse and that the patient is in good hands. Sari calms nerves by telling the family members that the nurse will call with an update ASAP.
To give me an idea of howthe staff and patients are protected at MMC, Sari explained the steps and time it takes a nurse to put on her personal protective equipment (PPE). Another nurse assists the one donning her PPE, and makes sure everything is on correctly, and that she has spent enough time to secure her PPE properly. When the job is finished, the PPE is removed according to special procedures to avoid contamination.
Self-Care
To maintain her strength and emunah, Sari seeks out the beach and writes poetry. It’s imperative for her to put her feelings down on paper.
Her advice?Be true to yourself; don’t be afraid to be who you are!
Connect with Sari at Sshamah.tolife@gmail.com
Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach. Ellen works part-time as an entitlement specialist at Ohel Children’s Home and Family Services. She can be contacted at ellen@lifecoachellen.com (www.lifecoachellen.com).
Appreciation energetically uplifts you and those who love you. Take the time to send a thoughtful note of appreciation to someone today.
Mozelle Forman, LCSW
Has anyone else forgotten what day of the week it is? Do you want your news delivered in 30 seconds or less even though you know by the time you finish reading the article or listening to the broadcast the news will be obsolete? Is anyone else confused about when to wear a mask, what to touch, what to sanitize, what to avoid, and who it is safe to hug?! Welcome to 2020!
The New Normal
We are living in a time of uncertainty, a time where everything we counted upon is unfamiliar or gone. We are waking up and stumbling through a day that seems like yesterday, only it is not. We are looking for answers that no one can provide, checking our phones, or wherever we get our news from, grateful that no one else has passed on. We have survived the great pandemic of 2020. And we are tired. We do not want to be part of an historical era, an unprecedented time in world history. We want to go back to normal. However, we are having a hard time defining what is normal and feeling normal ourselves. What was “normal” no longer is, and what is “normal” today, probably will not be “normal” tomorrow. And who knows if the kids go back to school in the Fall? Our entire sense of equilibrium is off.
In order to maintain our equilibrium, we need constancy and familiarity – something we can depend on, something with permanence. We need to be able to plan, as planning is an antidote to anxiety. We need to have guidelines and remedies to problems, should they arise. And we need to be able to make decisions that help to keep us and our loved ones safe. Yet living in a post-pandemic world, we are very short on all of the above.
Our ever-changing world requires us to process, digest, and assimilate new realities into our consciousness. We need to cultivate an acceptance of the new “normal” and adapt to that. Ideally, our psyches can make these assimilations as needed over time. Yet, we are being asked to adapt to changes on a daily basis, knowing that these changes may be obsolete tomorrow. We are being asked to go forward into the unknown, to abandon that which we have depended on as truth and “normal” and to suddenly have the skills necessary to navigate the new reality. I heard someone compare what we are experiencing now to building a boat while being out at sea in the middle of a storm. Like those seafarers, we are learning on the job under the most difficult of circumstances. We may be feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, afraid, inadequate, tired, and confused in varying degrees and at various times. Experiencing these feelings for a prolonged period of time is considered a “traumatic event,” which puts our brains and bodies into survival mode.
Operating in Survival Mode
Survival mode means there is no long-term or medium-term plan. We are forced to focus on getting through the next 24 hours. The end of the week feels like a long way off. When you are stuck in survival mode, you feel like you will never be able to dig yourself out of the hole. You are exhausted most of the time, barely finding the energy to get through your day, let alone to do the things that you love and bring you joy. You often find yourself snapping at those you love most, only to be filled with guilt afterwards. It feels like someone has sucked all of the color out of your world.
Living in survival mode for too long literally wears a person down. Anxiety and depression can set in even after the immediate threat or danger is gone. In some cases, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder could set in. PTSD is characterized by intense feelings of distress when reminded of a tragic event, as well as physical reactions such as nausea, sweating, or a pounding heart, nightmares, loss of interest in daily activities, avoiding the activities, feelings, thoughts, or places that remind you of the distressing event, and feeling detached from people. If you or a loved one are experiencing any of these symptoms for an extended period of time, seek the counsel of a mental health professional.
But all is not lost. You know the expression, “when life gives you lemons make lemonade.” In the same vein, after a traumatic event many people may experience Post-Traumatic Growth. Sonja Lyubormirsky, who practices “positive psychology” explains that PTG is “triggered by highly stressful life events that pose a significant challenge to an individual’s assumptive beliefs about the world. They emerge from this challenge with renewed belief in their ability to endure and prevail, with improved relationships and a deeper sense of compassion.” In essence, they move from surviving a traumatic event to a desire to thrive.
When a person is thriving, they are experiencing a sense of development. They see themselves improving, and they have a sense that they are succeeding at mastering something. They are feeling good about life and are bringing purpose and compassion into their life. There is a huge difference between surviving and thriving. Surviving means that you continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship. Thriving means you are prospering, flourishing, succeeding, growing, and developing. Surviving is being stuck – as in sheltering in place. Thriving is engaging with the world around us with purpose and joy. Thriving can only occur when we have a sense of security and equilibrium – a feeling that the world is predictable and consistent. We need answers to vital questions that are unavailable to us. Almost every conversation that I have had in the past few months, though, has ended with one of us saying, “I just don’t know.”
Tips for Thriving – Not Only Surviving
So, what is the secret to thriving in uncertain times?
Manage your physical health –Trauma and survival mode both take a toll on your physical health. To feel better, take care of your body. Get plenty of sleep every night. Exercise every day. Eat well and avoid alcohol. Manage stress with meditation, yoga, or other relaxation techniques.
Create a routine – Ground yourself with a daily routine. When you have goals to accomplish, make lists and tackle them one small, manageable piece at a time. Find time for enjoyable activities like reading, cooking, or doing whatever you enjoy.
Consistently let go of expectations – If the expectations placed upon you by society, family, friends, peers, colleagues, or even yourself, are causing a great deal of stress, practice self-compassion. Listen intently to your feelings and do not judge yourself if you cannot fulfill everyone’s expectations. Create an inner dialogue of positive self-talk. For example, say things to yourself such as, “This is difficult and uncomfortable, but it only temporary.” “I can use my coping skills and get through this.” “It’s ok to feel this way, it’s a normal reaction.” “This won’t last forever.”
As thriving implies growth and success at mastering something, try something you have never done before orlearn something you assumed would be too difficult – Maybe you have always wanted to cook a whole chicken, or knit a cool scarf, or build a sturdy table, but you thought it was too difficult. Push beyond your comfort zone and try something you assumed would be too challenging. The world has so much to offer you. Never stop exploring the endless opportunities for expansion available to you.
Practice radical gratitude by showing your appreciation for the people who support you – Appreciation energetically uplifts you and those who love you. Take the time to send a thoughtful note of appreciation to someone today.
Laugh as much as possible and get up and dance when you feel too serious – The health benefits of laughter and dancing, both emotional and physical, have been well documented. Studies show that children laugh 300 to 400 times a day, and adults only 17.5 – so tap into your inner child and get the giggles. Better yet, dance while you laugh or laugh because you’re dancing. Movement releases stagnation. Where else would the phrase “shake it off” come from?
Remember Our Legacy of Trust in Hashem
And lastly, remember from whence we came. The Jewish nation was forged when we proclaimed the words, “Naaseh ve’nishma” – we will do and we will listen – stated when we were presented with the Torah. Our wholehearted leap of faith, our commitment to the Torah and to Hashem began in a place of uncertainty. We did not know what we were agreeing to. We did not preview the Torah before we accepted it. With trust and conviction, we simply jumped in. That ability to trust and to move forward without all the facts, which is the legacy we inherited from our forefathers, is what we need now, and what will help us to thrive in these uncertain times.
