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The Real Miracle of Hanukah

areful readers of the end of the Book of Beresheet and the beginning of the Book of Shemot will notice that Yosef appears to die twice.  The Torah mentions his death in the final verse of Beresheet, and then again in the opening section of Shemot (1:6).  Why are we told of Yosef’s passing twice?

Rav Yitzhak Hutner (1906-1980) explained that these two verses correspond to the two aspects of Yosef.  On the one hand, he was one of Yaakov’s twelve sons, who formed the twelve tribes of Israel.  After the three patriarchs – Avraham, Yitzhak, and Yaakov – the twelve sons, including Yosef, all carried their legacy, forming twelve tribes.

But on the other hand, Yosef was, in a sense, the fourth patriarch.  We might say that Yaakov was patriarch 3a, and Yosef was patriarch 3b.  This is corroborated by a passage in the Zohar which teaches that the three daily prayers – shaharit, minhah, and arvit – correspond to the three patriarchs, whereas the musaf prayer added on special occasions corresponds to Yosef (as alluded to by the etymological connection between the words “Yosef” and “musaf”).  Although we have three patriarchs, Yosef in some sense was the fourth.  Thus, his death is recorded twice – in the Book of Beresheet, which tells of the deaths of the other patriarchs, and in the Book of Shemot, which tells of the death of Yaakov’s twelve sons.

In what way was Yosef a patriarch?  And what is the meaning of this status?

Resisting Assimilation

Rav Hutner explained that each of the patriarchs established a certain precedent, created a certain force, that would remain with their descendants.  Avraham established the precedent of choosing to join the Jewish Nation.  Raised as a pagan, Avraham recognized the truth of monotheism and founded the Jewish People, thus setting the example of foreigners joining Am Yisrael through the process of conversion.  Yitzhak, Avraham’s son, established the precedent of being born into the Jewish Nation without having to make the choice to join them.  Finally, Yaakov established the precedent of begetting children who all become part of Am Yisrael.  Whereas Avraham and Yitzhak each had only one son that carried their legacy, Yaakov bequeathed his spiritual legacy to all twelve sons.

Yosef, Rav Hutner taught, also established a crucial precedent – guaranteeing the eternal survival of the Jewish Nation by resisting assimilation.

As we read this month, Yosef was cruelly driven from his home as a 17-year-old boy, and brought to Egypt, a society which was then characterized by immorality.  He served as a slave to a prominent Egyptian nobleman, in whose home he lived.  His master’s wife desired an intimate relationship with Yosef, but he refused her advances.  He heroically resisted the temptation to assimilate, to bond with foreign women

In so doing, Rav Hutner explained, Yosef set a crucial precedent for the Jewish People for all eternity.  If a Jewish man has a relationship with a gentile woman, halachah regards the child born from this union as a gentile.  Hence, even once Yaakov established the precedent of having children who all become part of Am Yisrael, there remained the risk that our nation might disappear, Heaven forbid, through intermarriage.  Yosef fortified the future of the Jewish Nation through his resistance to the lure of assimilation.  What was at stake was not only a one-time sin of immorality, but rather the Jewish People’s ability to withstand the overwhelming pressures that they would face throughout the centuries living among foreign nations.  Yosef’s refusal to cohabit with his master’s wife empowered Jews for all time to resist the temptation to join the surrounding culture, to struggle to maintain their identity and distinctiveness even when they are pressured and lured to assimilate.

The Devotion of Yosef

The story of Yosef is always read during the season of the celebration of Hanukah, and this is no coincidence.  There is a profound and fundamental connection between Yosef’s heroism and the heroism of the Hashmonaim who successfully opposed and battled the Greeks.

During the time of the Greek occupation of Eretz Yisrael, the majority of the Jewish Nation assimilated.  The Greeks’ decrees against religious observance, coupled with the attraction of Greek culture, led the Jews to reject their heritage and embrace Hellenism.  The Jewish religion nearly disappeared, and it survived thanks to the courage and resolve of a small minority that remained steadfastly committed to Torah and mitzvot. 

The source of this strength to resist the pressure of Hellenization was Yosef.  He was the one who created this force, who set the precedent of fierce determination in the face of overwhelming pressure and temptation.  We might say that Yosef laid the foundation of the real miracle of Hanukah – the miracle of Jewish resilience, of a commitment strong enough to withstand the most powerful cultural forces.

The verse in the Book of Ovadia (1:18) says, “The house of Yaakov shall be fire, and the house of Yosef – a flame.”  Yaakov is compared to a fire, which burns and provides warmth and light, but could potentially be extinguished.  Yosef, however, is the “lehavah” – the flame taken from the fire which ensures its continuity by kindling additional flames.  The Hanukah candles represent not only the kindling of the menorah in the Bet Hamikdash after the ousting of the Greeks, but also the “flame” of Yosef, the eternity of the Jewish faith which is assured through the unwavering, passionate devotion exhibited by Yosef, by the Hashmonaim, and by generations of Jews throughout the millennia who refused to yield to the pressure to forsake their faith and assimilate.  And thus halachah follows the view of Bet Hillel that “mosif veholech” (Shabbat 21b) – we add one candle each night.  The term “mosif” alludes to Yosef, who established the precedent of the “flame” that assures our survival.

Spiritual Protection Through Torah Learning

The story of Yosef begins by describing Yaakov’s special love for Yosef, who was his “ben zekunim” (37:3).  Rashi explains this to mean that Yosef was especially learned, and Yaakov taught him all the Torah he had learned in the yeshiva of Shem and Ever.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky (1891-1986) noted that although Yaakov learned Torah for many years before attending the yeshiva of Shem and Ever, Rashi speaks of Yaakov teaching Yosef specifically the Torah he learned during those 14 years he spent in that academy.  Yaakov went to learn with Shem and Ever when he left home, and prepared for his long, difficult sojourn in Haran, where he lived with his corrupt, idol-worshipping uncle, Lavan.  Rav Kamenetsky explained that Shem, Noah’s son, lived in the generation of the flood, a debased, corrupt society.  Yaakov learned from Shem and his grandson, Ever, the Torah of exile, the Torah of how to retain one’s faith and commitment even in a spiritually hostile environment.  This is the Torah that enabled Yaakov to retain his faith and his values in Lavan’s home – and this is the Torah which Yaakov passed down to Yosef, prophetically foreseeing that Yosef would one day be tested in a foreign land and foreign culture.

In the Al Ha’nissim text which we add to our prayer and birkat hamazon during Hanukah, we speak of how the Greeks set out “lehashkiham Toratecha” – to have the Jews “forget Your Torah.”  The first target of the Greeks’ program of forced assimilation was to pull the Jews away from Torah learning.  The Greeks sensed that the Jews’ unrelenting commitment to their faith was fueled by Torah study – and so their strategy began with the goal of “lehashkiham Toratecha,” denying the Jews access to learning, the greatest shield we have against assimilation.  We fortify ourselves against the pressures and lures of our culture primarily through Torah study, by immersing ourselves in the sacred wisdom of the Torah.  This is what protected Yaakov in Lavan’s home, this is what protected Yosef in Egypt, and this is what has protected the Jewish Nation throughout the centuries in exile.

Yaakov is Speaking to Us

Originally, the mitzvah of Hanukah candles required lighting by the entrance to the home.  However, when the Jews found themselves in exile, living among hostile gentiles, the custom became to light indoors, by the window.  This custom perhaps hearkens to the Gemara’s depiction (Sotah 36b) of Yaakov’s image appearing to Yosef “in the window” as Yosef was about to succumb to his master’s wife.  This image of Yaakov is what stopped Yosef from committing a sinful act. 

As we kindle the Hanukah lights in exile, we are to see the visage of Yaakov speaking to us just as he spoke to Yosef in Egypt.  He is imploring us to remain strong and committed, to draw strength from Yosef’s example of withstanding pressures and lures.  He is there reminding us that we have inherited from our righteous forebears the spiritual fortitude to hurdle the difficult challenges we face even in our time, that we are fully capable of remaining faithful to our religious heritage despite the hurdles that we face.  The power we have received from Yosef is stronger than the lure of the device in our pocket, the computer screen in the home, the people around us who ridicule Torah law and values, our peers who seek to draw us away from strict religious observance, and from every other obstacle that gets in our way.

This Hanukah, as we light the candles each night, let us pay close attention to our patriarch in the window, listen carefully to his words, and recommit ourselves to the intensive study of Torah, from which we gain the strength we need to continue bearing the sacred legacy of our righteous ancestors in our time.  

Riddles – December 2022

Riddle: All In The Family

Submitted by:  Morris K.

Leah has a very big family. There are 25 uncles, 25 aunts, and 40 cousins. Each of her cousins has an uncle who is not Leah’s uncle. How is this possible?

Last Month’s Riddle: Cat Compensation

A duck was given $9, a spider was given $36, a bee was given $27. Based off of this information, how much money would be given to a cat?

 

Solution: $18.00 ($4.50 per leg)!

 

Solved by: Family Blum, Moshe Picciotto, Celia & Momo, Belle Gadeh, H. Soleimani, Samuel Laskin, Big Mike, and Rabbi Max.

Junior Riddle: Figure Out The Word   

Submitted by: Esther N.

The first two letters signify a male while the first three letters signify a female; the first four letters signify a champion while the entire world signifies a great woman. What word is it?

Last Month’s Junior Riddle: Escape Artist   

Imagine that you are trapped inside a windowless building with nothing but a box of matches, 3 candles and a ceramic mug. The flood waters are rising and are currently up to your neck. The door is hopelessly locked and there is no one within 500 miles of you. How can you get out of this situation?

Solution: Stop imagining!

 

Solved by: Family Blum, Belle Gadeh, Haim S., Samuel Laskin, Allan G., and The Shmulster.

One on One with Frieda Franco

ELLEN GELLER KAMARAS

“We do have a voice and we need to exercise that voice. We have opportunities to make changes when it comes to Israel and to keep Israel strong, safe, and secure.”  

~~ Frieda ~~

I first saw Frieda Franco’s video interview, “My AIPAC Story,” on the huge Convention Center screen, at the AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) Policy conference in Washington, DC, on March 1, 2020. Coincidentally, that was the day the first case of COVID-19 was confirmed in New York State.  

I knew Franco was a Syrian surname and emailed my editor to pitch an article about the Brooklyn Syrian delegation at the AIPAC conference.

If you have ever been to an AIPAC conference, you know that there are approximately 18,000 delegates there, all looking to advocate for a strong U.S.-Israel relationship.  Searching for Frieda would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

When I returned home, NYC quickly became the epicenter of the pandemic.  Still determined to track down Frieda, I discovered that Franco was a popular name, and I did not succeed in finding her

Moving forward to October 2022, my brother excitedly told me about traveling to the United Arab Emirates on an AIPAC Minyan Mission. I was inspired to search for Frieda again.

Luckily, a community member introduced me to Frieda.  Googling Frieda to learn more about her, I was overjoyed when I found her 2020 AIPAC video

I had come full circle and the timing was perfect for sharing Frieda’s story.

Please meet Frieda Hamowy Franco.  In the past seven years, Frieda has grown into a fiercely passionate advocate for Israel, rallying the Sephardic community to support AIPAC’s mission for a strong U.S.- Israel relationship.  

AIPAC, a bipartisan American organization, works to encourage and persuade the U.S. government to enact policies that create a strong, enduring, and mutually beneficial relationship with its strongest democratic ally in the Middle East

Let’s travel back to Frieda’s childhood and accompany her on her journey to become the passionately  dedicated wife, mother, daughter, community member, and advocate she is today.

Frieda’s Roots

Frieda is the daughter of Manny, a”h, and Sylvia Hamowy, both of Syrian descent.  Frieda is the youngest of four girls, and was “surrounded with lots of love.”

As a child, Frieda was painfully shy.  Today, she still sounds humble, although she works on becoming more extroverted.  What struck me the most is that Frieda speaks from her heart.  

Frieda’s early years were spent in Deal where she attended Hillel Yeshiva. Her family moved to Brooklyn when she was nine years old and enrolled her in Magen David Yeshivah elementary school.  She then studied at Yeshiva of Flatbush High School.

Frieda was a great student but was not confident in her abilities.  She enjoyed high school and loved meeting different and interesting people outside of her own community.  She made close friends in high school, many of whom she is still in touch with today. She also met and got to know her naseeb, Joey Franco. They married in 1998.  

Adulthood

Frieda majored in English at Brooklyn College. She and Joey got married and settled in Brooklyn. They are now blessed with six children.  

Frieda is a lifetime learner.  “I love learning, whether it’s history, politics, an insightful parasha class, psychology, parenting, or podcasts about anything and everything.”

Frieda’s parents strongly influenced her values and her commitment to community and to hesed.  “They always gave back.  It was part of their everyday life and came naturally. My mom has a huge heart and continues to care for and help others.”  

A pivotal moment occurred when Frieda’s father took her to vote when she turned eighteen. He taught her the importance of voting, and they always voted together after that first time. Frieda remembers a gentleman named Maurice Hedaya approaching young adults in Deal, clipboard in hand, to convince them to register to vote. Over the years, he registered hundreds of Jewish voters.

It is no surprise that Frieda’s father had such an impact on her, given that Frieda became a dedicated AIPAC activist. She, for one, certainly recognizes the value of the Jewish vote. 

Marriage and Family

Frieda’s husband is her biggest champion.  “Joey is one of the smartest people in sheer knowledge and moral perspective. He is supportive of all my interests including our children’s education, and Israel advocacy.”

Frieda’s kids are the center of her universe. She dedicates an incredible amount of energy and focus when it comes to raising her children.

A common theme running through our interview was education.  Frieda spoke of her own education as a constant learner, her children’s education, and the education she received to enable her to do Israel advocacy.

Frieda and Joey both feel strongly that they want to raise their children with a strong yeshivah education. The Franco’s chose Barkai Yeshiva, whose mission is to cultivate the unique potential of each ben and bat Torah, based on the belief that all elements of our world should be appreciated through the framework of Torah.

Frieda views Barkai as family and serves as a board member.  She loved volunteering in the classroom and ran the book fair for years. “Joey was on the board but stepped down due to work commitments.  He said, “Appoint my wife, she’s much better than me, and knows what’s going on at school day to day.”

AIPAC Activist

Frieda always felt a strong connection to Israel, but she did not visit until she was in her twenties.  She saw her tour guide’s home in Shomron and recognized its biblical significance. “I was struck by how the settlers lived so close to danger, without modern necessities, and the sacrifices they were making to hold on to the land for us.”

Freida’s second education, as she calls it, began in 2015 when she attended her first AIPAC Policy Conference in DC.  A handful of community members attended. Sam Sutton encouraged Jack Ashkenazie to attend the AIPAC conference and to get the community involved. Jack and his wife Regine invited the Franco’s to join them in 2015.

Frieda walked into the convention center, and was floored, “Eighteen thousand people were all there for the same reason, to promote and preserve the relationship between the U.S. and Israel.”

She asked many questions, as she was not yet familiar with all the politics. What struck her at the conference was the strong connection she felt with the other participants.  

Frieda met and listened to people from different walks of life who had a deep commitment to  Israel and had become staunch supporters.

“We heard about a family from upstate NY that loves hiking, and it was becoming more difficult for their son with cerebral palsy to join them.  An Israeli company invented a backpack for soldiers in the field to carry back the injured and still hold their guns. The parents were introduced to this Israeli firm and the specialized backpack changed their lives.”

Returning home from the conference, Frieda kicked off her second education. She followed the news, read books about politics and Israel, and continued to ask questions. The first time she joined a lobbying trip to Capitol Hill, she did not speak.  On subsequent trips, she grew secure enough to speak up.  For Frieda, advocating for Israel became a privilege.

The Franco’s helped introduce AIPAC to the Brooklyn Sephardic community, hosting events, Shabbatons, and speakers.  They took community members to the AIPAC Policy Conference to experience Israel advocacy for themselves. When the Sephardic Council was established by Jack Ashkenazie, Frieda joined with other community leaders who recognized the value of Israel advocacy and could spread the word.

At the March 2020 Policy Conference, over 500 Sephardic community members from Brooklyn, Deal, and Manhattan attended.

To Frieda, her AIPAC advocacy is not just an expression of her love for Israel.  It’s about educating others to be informed advocates for the Jewish state. Her goal is to bolster the U.S. – Israel relationship, to ensure that the Abraham Accords continue, and to make certain that Israel receives the $3.8 billion of security assistance approved by Congress annually.  The trips to Israel that AIPAC arranges for freshmen members of Congress and candidates are key to understanding the politics of the region in a way one  cannot grasp through just watching the news. These trips help to promote AIPAC’s mission, to maintain a strong U.S.-Israel relationship.

Passions, Pursuits, and Community

To unplug, Frieda loves to read, bake, practice yoga (which she says is so good for the body and the soul), and to give in any way she can to her family.

The Franco’s participated in the AIPAC Minyan Mission to the United Arab Emirates, and were thrilled to meet local officials, hear both Arab and Jewish views on Israel, and see the excitement and commitment to the Abraham Accords.

Returning home, Frieda realized how blessed we are to witness Israel’s growth and prosperity, to raise our children in a Torah environment and in a community that encourages them to stay true to their traditions.  For Frieda, community life is about Shabbat dinners, living close to relatives, hesed and tzedakah on a high level, and living in one of the most tolerant places for Jews in the Diaspora.  Today, we are citizens with the right to vote and impact our own  government, as well as help assure the security and safety of the State of Israel.

Connect with Frieda at friedafranco@gmail.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ellen Geller Kamaras, CPA/MBA, is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Associate Certified Coach.  Her coaching specialties include life, career, and dating coaching.  Ellen is active in her community and is currently the Vice-President of Congregation Bnai Avraham in Brooklyn Heights.  She can be contacted at  (www.lifecoachellen.com). 

Syria’s Jewish Community Shrinks to Nine Members 

– Avi Kumar 

Albert Kamoo served as president of the Syrian Jewish community in Damascus for 16 years, until his death this past September. He leaves behind only nine other Jews in all of Syria, a reliable source told Community Magazine. 

Mr. Kamoo was 80 years old. He diligently watched over the Jewish cemetery and the now-empty synagogues, which were once vibrant and filled with regular congregants. He also maintained constant communication with international organizations that aided the dwindling ancient community.

Once Glorious Synagogues 

In 2011, when the Syrian civil war began, the Jewish community was estimated to be 200 members strong. The nine remaining community members are mostly over sixty. A 2019 BBC news segment in Arabic was filmed in Damascus at the historic Eliyahu Hanavi Synagogue, which had been bombed and looted during the civil war. The film featured Kamoo, wearing a kippa, along with  his sister, Rachel. She is believed to be his only surviving relative. A few Jewish artifacts of historic value were shown in the film clip. The synagogue was built in in the Sephardic tradition, with classic Ottoman architecture and Islamic influences. 

The Great Aleppo Synagogue (better known as Al Safra, “the yellow”) was in actuality a complex, with several synagogues and an outdoor sanctuary for use in the hot summer months. It is said to have been founded by Joab, a nephew of King David.  The oldest surviving inscription is from the year 834. 

Deteriorating Conditions Lead to Mass Emigrations

Many Syrian Jews emigrated to the Americas during the early 1900s. The last official national census that listed religious affiliation was conducted in 1953. Over 31,000 Jews were recorded living in Syria, a figure equaling slightly less than one percent of the population. The two major Jewish population centers were in the capital city of Damascus and in the northern city of Aleppo. Then, in the aftermath of the Six-Day War in 1967, conditions for Jews severely deteriorated and a mass emigration followed. The last chief rabbi of Damascus, Abraham Hamra, left Syria in 1994, when President Hafez Assad allowed the Jews to leave. The last Chief Rabbi of the Aleppo community, Hacham Yom Tov Yedid, emigrated in 1985.

In 2015, many Jews fled to Israel via neighboring Turkey as part of a top-secret rescue mission following escalating violence in the civil war and the threat of ISIS looming.

Daring Escape Orchestrated by Moti Kahana

New York-based businessman Moti Kahana assisted 28 Jews, mostly from Aleppo, to escape. He  orchestrated the complicated logistics involved. He said, “It was extremely dangerous for them. I’m not supportive of the Syrian government, but they did not harm the Jews. In fact, they protected them. The risk was more from fanatic extremists and potential kidnappers than from the Syrian government.” He continued, “I know many Jews who would love to go back to Syria if they had a chance. But with the economy down the drain and very poor safety, why would they live there? Deep down, we are Middle Easterners. We love the food, the weather, and other things in the region. But it’s just not safe.”

In addition to the Jews, Kahana helped over 5,000 Muslims to flee the war-torn nation. He chuckled, “Only the Queen has blue blood probably, for everyone else it is red.”

Other Jewish Communities Dwindle

Yemen and Iraq, which also have had ancient, established Jewish communities now count less than half a dozen Jews. Almost all of those countries’ Jews have emigrated due to severe persecution, a lack of safety, and economic instability. The Jewish community in Turkey would periodically send a shochet to perform shehita, but that ultimately ceased. Other Jewish communities such as those in Ireland and India have also been reduced to a shadow of what they once were, barely a century ago.

Chef Shiri – Fried Apple Rings

Kids – See if you have what it takes to become a Junior Chef!

Adult Supervision Required

Utensils Needed:

Whisk

Mixing bowl

Medium frying pan

Paper towels

Measuring cups and spoons

Oven mitts 

Ingredients:

12 ounces apple cider

1½ cups Self-Rising flour

2 tablespoons sugar

4 ounces dried apple rings

Vegetable oil, for frying

1 tablespoon cinnamon mixed with 1 cup sugar

Makes About 20 Apple Rings!

 

Let’s Get Started! 

Caution: ADULT ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED

DIRECTIONS:

  1. 1. Pour the cider into a mixing bowl and add the flour and sugar. Whisk until smooth.
  2. Place the dried apple rings in the batter and refrigerate until ready to fry.
  3. When ready to cook, ask an adult to heat the oil in a frying pan over a medium to high heat.
  4. Ask the adult to remove the apple rings from the batter, ensuring they are well coated and start frying the rings – not too many at once, otherwise they start to stick to one another and fry too quickly. Don’t let the oil get too hot – otherwise they will burn.
  5. When golden brown, ask the adult to remove and drain on paper towels.
  6. Sprinkle with the cinnamon sugar and serve.

** If you find the batter isn’t retaining its crispness, place the apple rings into a preheated oven at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 5–6 minutes and they will crisp up.

A Dash of Humor

Q: Who is an apple’s favorite relative?

A: Granny!

Spice is Nice

Did you know that cinnamon spice is the ground-up, dried bark of the cinnamon tree?

FRIED APPLE RINGS

Recipe contributed by  Sharon Lurie. Photo: Michael Smith.

Support Your Favorite Charity with Life Insurance

As Americans, we can take pride in the fact that we are a nation of givers. And as the economy improves, charitable giving is on the rise. In fact, according to the National Philanthropic Trust in 2020 total charitable giving from U.S. individuals, corporations, foundations, and bequests exceeded $471 billion with 69% coming from individuals.

While money may be tight for many Americans, it’s nice to know that there is a way to support a favorite charity without having to worry about the impact it could have on your budget. How? By giving the gift of life insurance. Here are just a few ways you can use this proven method to contribute money to your favorite causes:

  • Donate an existing policy – If you already have a policy and no longer need the death benefit, you can gift the policy to your desired charity, which may give you some tax benefits. The charity will receive the full benefit amount when you die.
  • List the charity as a beneficiary – As the owner, you remain in control of your policy and can leave money to as many beneficiaries as you like: children, grandchildren – even multiple charities. Or, you can name a single charity the sole beneficiary, and it will receive the entire amount.
  • Purchase a separate policy – There are times when it makes sense to have separate policies: one for loved ones and one for charitable gifts. This technique can prove especially helpful if you would like to retain ownership of one policy, but not the other.
  • Create a Charitable Remainder Trust – While this planned-giving tool is designed to shelter appreciated assets such as stocks and real estate, you can also incorporate life insurance if it’s set up properly. Be sure to consult a trusts and estates advisor before pursuing this approach.

Giving life insurance can be a lasting legacy to support causes dear to you. Depending on the method you choose, it may also offer a variety of tax benefits.

Beware of Unwelcome Surprises

Below is a list what most surprised homeowners after they bought their first home. 

The Amount of Maintenance a Home Requires  

About 32 percent of buyers expressed having buyer’s remorse after purchasing a house that needed more work or maintenance than they expected. 

How much maintenance is required depends entirely on the home. For example, there’s likely to be far less maintenance to tend to with a condo, which typically has a homeowner’s association to handle service requests for common areas, like the exterior, landscaping, and shared hallways. (But even with a condo, you, as the homeowner, generally are responsible for maintaining and repairing appliances and taking care of your unit’s interior.) 

Some things you may learn: how amazingly fast grass grows, why it’s important to clean your gutters regularly, and how to clear a clogged drain. 

Changing Costs of Taxes and Insurance  

When you buy your home with a fixed-rate mortgage, you may think that the amount of your initial mortgage payment will remain the same for the life of the loan. But the monthly payment almost always includes property taxes and property insurance, which the mortgage servicer collects in an escrow account and pays for you. Those costs change over time. 

How Neighbors Can Affect Your Quality of Life  

As much as you love your home, life there can be gloriously elevated or horribly impacted by the people living around you.  

Check out the neighbors! Not just a quick drive by. Walk through the neighborhood, and talk to the people who live there.

Amount of Knowledge Required  

Remember when something broke and you called the landlord or property manager to fix it? You’re that person now. Think about the things that make your home cozy and functional: working heating and air conditioning systems and appliances, unobstructed sewer pipes and water-tight plumbing. If something breaks, you’ve got to fix it yourself or hire someone to do it. 

Know your house: the sprinkler system, water and gas valve shut offs, the hot water heater, water softener. Learn how to fix things. 

Yearly Maintenance  

Some systems in your house require annual inspections and tune-ups. Here are some of those things: 

You need to have your furnace and air conditioning serviced yearly. 

You have to drain your water heater once a year.  

Clean your gutters, pay attention to your roof, and take note of when to paint your home’s exterior or replace rotted pieces, things like that. 

Degree to Which You Become Attached to Your Home 

Live in a place for any length of time and memories – and feelings – will quickly attach to it. Leaving those memories behind can be difficult, especially if you’ve made improvements yourself that have left you with a feeling of accomplishment.  

You may fall in love with the place and have a very hard time leaving (selling it) – that’s the good news and the bad news. 

Spotlight on Mental Health – Confronting Fears and Recognizing Our Worth

Last month, we explored the two halves of the brain: the emotional and logical hemispheres. The divide between them explains the common struggle that many of us have. We know we can say no to others’ requests, yet we find ourselves saying a begrudging “yes.” We know we should be open with our spouse, yet we’re not. We know it’s time to ask the boss for a raise, yet we continuously push it off.  

Why is that? 

Experiences Wire Our Brains 

Every experience that we encounter in our lives, from very early childhood, wires our brains, and dictates what we fear and what we don’t. This is why a child in America who encounters a rat is likely to shriek and jump sky high, yet a same-aged child in Africa would be more likely to pick it up and play with it. It’s not about if the threat is legitimate or not, but rather how we are conditioned to think about things.  

This concept also explains why someone who was chased by a vicious pit bull as a child will find that his automatic response to a dog is run as fast as you can, even when his adult logical brain says don’t be afraid of that little fluff ball. Logic will not override a strong emotionally recognized fear. 

Let’s take it a step further. A child who is constantly rejected or criticized for being his true self – why wear your hair so frizzy? You’re such a dork, who listens to music like that? If you study harder next time, you’ll get 100 instead of a 94! – will develop a belief that there is something wrong with him. He will remain on the defensive, and hide his true self under layers of what he believes will make others like him. He will likely overcompensate his behaviors, always aiming for perfection to avoid mistakes, driving fancy cars and dressing to kill, and avoiding being vulnerable and real to others, assuming people would never associate with him if they knew the real him. 

This is especially damaging for those who have experienced rejection, negativity, or abuse from one they respected and trusted implicitly – a parent, teacher, or authority figure – since they learn to hide their true selves even from those they should trust most, such as a spouse, rabbi, or good friend. These relationships, which are cultivated through openness and sincere vulnerability, suffer as a result of this behavior. 

Why Therapy Can Help 

In therapy, clients explore the thinking errors, fears, and responses that prevent them from living as their true selves and with peace of mind. Therapy clients discover their own value and learn to be real, vulnerable, honest, and to be themselves rather than who they believe others want them to be. They learn to identify cognitive distortions responsible for depression, anxiety, and other afflictions, such as dismissing positives (that wasn’t a genuine compliment), mind-reading (she’s saying that because she feels bad for me), black-and-white thinking (I’m a bad parent because I yelled), and “should” statements (I should really extend myself for hachnasat orchim). 

In exposure therapy people learn to overcome their phobias by approaching them slowly, in small doses. That’s essentially at the core of all therapy: pinpoint the phobia – I’m afraid my rabbi will judge me if I open up, I’m afraid my spouse will look down on me if I assert myself, I’m afraid I’ll lose my friends if I say no – and then face that fear. Say Shabbat Shalom to three people in shul. Cook something new. Have that uncomfortable conversation you’re avoiding.  

Once we identify the threat – real or perceived – we can empower ourselves to face the fear and banish it. When a child is terrified of monsters under the bed, it doesn’t help to reassure him  “there are no monsters” or “I’ll protect you, don’t worry.” Most helpful is to lift the mattress to show there’s no monster. A therapy client learns to confront fear and discover it was unfounded, realizing that there’s truly nothing to fear but fear itself. 

This type of therapy isn’t new. The Rambam advises chronic people-pleasers to davka not give tzedaka if you have a hard time saying no, fearing letting people down.  

Next month, we’ll discuss more how this works, as well as how this concept can be the biggest barrier in relationships, and how overcoming these barriers can bring relationships to a whole new level.  

Dr. Yossi Shafer, PhD is the clinical director and a clinical psychologist at Empower Health Center, a private practice of multispecialty psychotherapists. They have offices in Deal/Long Branch and Lakewood and can be reached at (732) 666-9898 or office@empowerhealthcenter.net 

Gd’s Call to Avraham – and to Us

If you’ve ever tried borrowing somebody else’s pair of eyeglasses, you would immediately notice that they don’t work for you.  Every pair of eyeglasses has a specific prescription that is unique to the specific pair of eyes belonging to the specific person for whom they were made.  Nobody else can see properly with those glasses.

This is true of eyeglasses, and this is true also of life’s struggles and challenges.

The Arizal taught that every soul which descends into the world is charged with a specific mission, a particular tikkun (“rectification”) which it is to achieve.  No two people have the exact same personality traits, skill sets, strengths, or weaknesses; no two people face the exact same circumstances; and no two people are presented with the same challenges – because every person has something special and unique to achieve during his sojourn here on earth.

The “Bookends” of Avraham’s Tests

This concept sheds light on the remarkable story of Avraham Avinu, the father of our nation, which we read this month.  Not coincidentally, the Torah’s account of Avraham’s life and experiences revolves around “tests.”  From the moment Gd first spoke to him and commanded him to leave his homeland, until his final and most striking test – his preparedness to slaughter his beloved son, Yitzhak – Avraham faced numerous difficult challenges.  As the Mishnah in Avot (5:3) famously teaches, “Our patriarch Avraham was tested with ten tests, and he withstood them all.”

Intriguingly, these tests are “bookended” by the well-known phrase, “Lech lecha” – literally, “Go forth for yourself.”  It is with this expression that Gd commanded Avraham to leave his homeland and resettle in the Land of Israel (Beresheet 12:1), subjecting him to the grueling test of relocating in a new land and living as a foreigner.  And, it is with this expression that Gd commanded Avraham to travel with Yitzhak to Mount Moriah and offer him as a sacrifice (22:2).

What is the particular significance of this phrase – “lech lecha” – that it was selected as the “bookend” of our patriarch’s tests?

The commentators explain that Avraham’s tests were given “lecha” – for him, for the purpose of his realizing the unique, singular purpose for which he came into this world.  “Lech lecha” means that this was a personal, tailormade challenge through which Avraham would achieve his special “tikkun,” the one that nobody else could achieve.

The Ben Ish Hai (Rav Yosef Haim of Baghdad, 1833-1909) adds that this explains why Gd commanded Avraham to go “from your land, from your birthplace, and from your father’s home.”  These three expressions, the Ben Ish Hai writes, correspond to the three dimensions of the human soul – nefesh, ru’ah, neshamah.  Gd was hinting to Avraham that by fulfilling this command, he would be realizing the full potential of his soul, thereby fulfilling his unique purpose.

Avoiding Judgementalism

This fundamental teaching is crucial for us to understand, for several reasons.  One has to do with the way we look at the people around us.

People often become overly critical and disdainful of others who fail to meet their own standards.  There is a certain snobbery that sets in when we see people who are not as careful about the things that we ourselves are very careful about.  It behooves us to remember what the Arizal taught – that no people face the same challenges.  What is fairly simple and self-understood for one person is a difficult struggle for the other.  What for one person is an integral part of religious life that doesn’t require a second thought is a challenge for somebody else.  We will never fully understand why people speak and act the way they do.  We will never fully understand the mindset, the background, the pressures and the struggles of others, just as others will never fully understand our own internal workings. 

This deep meaning of “lech lecha” can profoundly enhance our respect and esteem for the people around us, by reminding us that every person faces his or her unique challenges, tailor-made for that person’s unique purpose in the world.

Growth Spurts

But there is also another lesson we can learn from this understanding of “lech lecha.”

Rashi writes that this expression implies “lehana’atecha” – that Avraham’s compliance with this command would be “for his benefit.”  The Rebbe of Slonim explained this to mean that it would be to Avraham’s benefit because he would thereby realize his purpose, achieving the unique “tikkun” which he was to achieve.  It is by meeting these challenges that Avraham would enjoy the “benefit” of self-actualization, accomplishing what he had come into the world to accomplish.

This expresses the second significant aspect of “lech lecha” – the notion that life’s challenges are presented to us for our benefit, to help us grow and achieve.  Whenever we face any sort of “test” in life, we must remember what Rashi here teaches us – “lehana’atecha,” that as hard as it might be to see how, this is to our ultimate benefit.

In fact, this might be the significance of the use of the verb “lech” (“walk,” or “go forth”) in the context of Avraham’s tests.  The purpose of tests is to help us “go forth,” to propel us forward, to spur a process of growth.  We might say that periods of challenge catalyze “growth spurts.”  We normally associate this term with the rapid growth of adolescents.  But Avraham went through a “growth spurt” at the age of 75, when Gd commanded him to leave his homeland and settle in Eretz Yisrael, and he experienced yet another “growth spurt” at the age of 137, when Gd commanded him offer his beloved son as a sacrifice.  This is the function of life’s tests – to move us forward, to help us grow and achieve.

This concept is expressed in the Hebrew word for “test” – “nisayon.”  We are familiar with the usage of the word “nes” to mean “miracle,” but this word also refers to a flag waved up high.  For example, when Moshe made a copper snake for the people to look at after being bitten by a snake, so they would be healed, he placed it “al hanes,” high up on a post, like a tall flag (Bamidbar 21:9).  Tests elevate us, raising us to heights we could never achieve otherwise.  If life was always smooth and easy, without ever demanding perseverance, hard work, patience and discipline, we would never grow.  We need life’s challenges and struggles to lift us up, so we can rise as high as possible.

The Two Greatest Challenges

Finally, these two “lech lecha bookends” represent what are perhaps the two greatest challenges we face as religious Jews.

The first is the need to leave our “birthplace,” to give up our bad habits and change our routines.  Over the years, we invariably will develop inappropriate practices that are very difficult to stop.  For some, this is an actual addiction, such as alcohol, gambling, and technology.  Others need to struggle to observe halachot which they were not taught to observe as children.  Another common example is the difficulty many adults have giving up childhood pastimes such as gaming and following sports, which consume valuable time.  Gd’s command to Avraham to leave his birthplace signifies the enormous challenge of change.

Avraham’s second “lech lecha” challenge, the test of akedat Yitzhak, represents the challenge of sacrifice.  None of us are ever called upon to make the kind of sacrifice that Avraham was commanded to make, but nevertheless, we often need to make very difficult sacrifices.  Businessmen need to sacrifice profits for the sake of Shabbat and holidays, and, often, for the sake of ethics.  Parents need to sacrifice for their children’s religious education.  We all must sacrifice to assist the needy and support our institutions.  Some of the most important, and most impactful, sacrifices that we make involve giving up something we want because of our values and our religious commitments.  These sacrifices are very difficult, but they are what lift us up and help us achieve our unique purpose.

Being Worthy Heirs of Avraham Avinu

One of the dangerous “idols” of our generation is that of comfort, ease and convenience.  People today are accustomed to accomplishing tasks swiftly or easily, at the touch of a button or the click of a mouse.  We are used to having “apps” and advanced technology to make otherwise complicated tasks simple.  Of course, there is nothing at all wrong with the convenience; quite to the contrary, technology saves us valuable time which can be used productively and meaningfully.  However, the danger arises when we cannot handle challenges or hardships, when we do not want to involve ourselves in anything that requires hard work or sacrifice.

The first words spoken to the father of our nation – “lech lecha” – instructed him to leave his “comfort zone,” to inconvenience himself, to go forth, to work hard, to take on the challenge to live on a higher plane.  These words are spoken also to us, the descendants and heirs of Avraham Avinu, each and every day.  We must start each day hearing the call of “lech lecha,” summoning us to move forward, to grow, to advance, to accomplish more, to rise higher, to strive for a new level.  We are not put here to “take is easy,” to relax, to stay where we are.  Hashem puts us where we need to be at every moment so we can progress to the next step, and accomplish something meaningful.

Let us resolve to be worthy heirs of our great patriarch, to continue working and advancing, step by step, even – or especially – when challenges arise.  Let us embrace every challenge as another opportunity to grow, to realize our potential, and to soar to greater heights of achievement. 

From the Files of the Mitzvah Man – A Small Item Can Mean the World

Pnina Souid 

Sharon, a woman in her forties, reached out to the Mitzvah Man Foundation not knowing if they would be able to help her. 

“I’m a saleslady and am experiencing severe hearing loss. I cannot properly serve my customers because of my hearing issues! I am afraid of losing my job. The hearing loss is disrupting my life. However, I don’t want to take money from the organization. I will be happy with refurbished hearing aids and would be able to pay something for them.” 

The Mitzvah Man volunteer told Sharon that they usually do not provide hearing aids. However,  he would send out a text to all the volunteers with a request for refurbished hearing aids. One volunteer responded. He was sure that he would be the messenger to fulfill this mitzvah. “This must be a sign from Hashem!” he exclaimed. 

Hayim, the volunteer, explained that he has a business selling on the internet. He looks at various new items to sell but always tests them first. Recently Hayim evaluated hearing aids and was extremely impressed with their efficiency. Hayim recently ordered  hearing aids to sell. He would be more than happy to fulfill Sharon’s request for a brand-new pair of hearing aids free of charge, not refurbished.  

These hearing aids were certain to change Sharon’s life for the better. Sharon was overjoyed when she learned that she would get the hearing aids. Being able to hear well would give her a new lease on life.  

Unfortunately, Hayim’s business deal fell through, but others saw the post for refurbished hearing aids, and a pair of refurbished hearing aids was located. Baruch Hashem, Sharon was able to have her sense of hearing restored. 

A Second Call for Hearing Aids 

Another call came in in response to the original post.  

“My daughter Frieda is 16 years old. She is deaf in both ears. After a certain age, our insurance does not cover the cost of the hearing aids she so desperately needs. She wants to live a normal life, have friends, date, marry, and have a family! Instead, she is living in a world of silence. Is there something that you can do for her? Frieda requires specific, expensive hearing aids, $6,000, to be exact.” 

When the Mitzvah Man spoke to Frieda’s mother, he really did not know what he would do, but assured her that he would try his best. 

First, he turned to Hashem. Then he remembered that years ago one of his friends who was a regular donor had told him that if he ever needed a large donation, do not hesitate to call. The Mitzvah Man volunteers had put tefillin on this man’s ailing father, and the man wanted to do something special for the organization.  

Immediately, the Mitzvah Man picked up the phone to call his friend. “Joe, do you remember the time you told me to ask when I need a sizeable donation for one of our cases? We need $6,000 to buy special hearing aids for a 16-year-old girl.” 

“I’m in,” Joe answered. “Just tell me where to send the check!” 

Within a week Frieda had her hearing aids and a new life!  

The Mitzvah Man stated, “We often take our senses for granted. The sense of hearing, just like the sense of sight, helps us to be a part of the world around us, to be with family and friends, and to enjoy life cycle celebrations. Baruch Hashem, we were able to help this teenager who is so happy with a bright present, and B’ezrat Hashem an even brighter future. Tizkeh l’mitzvot to the donor of the hearing aids. He made a tremendous difference in another person’s life.” 

To most people, a hearing aid seems to be such a small item.  To Sharon and Frieda, however, a hearing aid means the world.