We all know how important it is to model good values to our children.
This month we will take a look at three specific healthy behaviors that we would like to model.
Being Responsible
Being responsible is staying true to our word.
Imagine that you tell your daughter that you are planning to pick up a certain specific pink birthday cake that she really wants for her birthday celebration tonight.
While she is in school, you get a call that your grandmother is in the hospital. You need to go visit her. As much as you want to keep your word to your daughter, you know that visiting your grandmother is the right thing to choose.
When your daughter comes home and starts crying that you did not get the birthday cake for her, you can still show your commitment to being responsible. You can say, “I feel terrible, I got a call from Grandma asking me to come to the hospital. I knew it was the right thing to do. I needed to go visit her. This is how I’m planning to make it up to you….” And you can do something else in lieu of the cake that is cute, or fun, or creative.
We do not want our children to come back to us and say, “But you said you would, and you have to….” That would not be respectful. We just want to model for them that we, on our own, are thinking of how to stay true to our word.
Being Kind and Caring
We want to model to our children that we care about people’s feelings. We care about meeting people’s needs and we are warm and compassionate people. We cannot expect our children to be kind to siblings and friends unless they see that we live by that core value.
Accepting Life on Life’s Terms
This one is hard. We want to model accepting life on life’s terms. That means we recognize that in life there are two categories of events: a) the things that we can control, and b) the things that we cannot control. Of course we want to teach our children that they should put a lot of energy into what they can control. This should not be done with negative emotional energy, but rather with positive energy directed at making good choices.
Then there are all the things that we cannot control in our lives. There are certain parts of our health that we can control, and certain parts that we cannot control. There are certain parts of our relationships that we can control and there are the other people’s opinions, ideas, behaviors, and moods that we cannot control.
We want to show our children that we are accepting life on life’s terms. We are completely accepting of the things in our lives we are not able to control, and we are not fighting them. We do having feelings about them – we may feel sad, but we know that our sadness is okay. We recognize that this is what life is delivering me right now, and I am 100 percent okay 100 percent of the time.
If they see you going about your life that way, they are much more likely to deal with disappointments in the same way. If, for example, when you cannot find a parking spot, your children see you get all agitated and yell at them, they might be thinking that it’s right to only be in a good mood if things go your way. But if when you cannot find a parking spot, you say, “Okay, well this is frustrating,” and you continue looking they will see that you are accepting this challenge even if, say, you have an appointment to get to. From this they will learn that disappointments are okay. We feel and honor our feelings, and then we are 100 percent okay.
There are so many more values that we want to be modeling, so stay tuned for Part Two next month.
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In the Midrash (Beresheet Rabbah 68:4), we are privy to a conversation between Rabbi Yossi ben Halafta, one of the sages of the Mishnah, and an unnamed Roman woman of rank. During this exchange, Rabbi Yossi attested that ever since Gd created the world, He has been occupied with shidduchim, making matches. The Mishnah’s reference, and the most common understanding of a “shidduch,” conjures up images of brides and grooms, weddings, and the long-awaited happiness of finding a zivug, or “match.”
While single men and women await their life partner with excitement, trepidation, and at times impatience, there are others waiting for a life-saving “match” in the form of a kidney donor.
Here, too, Hashem is the ultimate matchmaker, in this case matching not a bride and groom, but an altruistic kidney donor and an anxious recipient. This shidduch brings together two complete strangers, who miraculously, with undeniable intervention by the ultimate matchmaker, cross paths in a way that alters both their lives.
“Find Someone Who Can Use My Kidney”
Emily Volz has always been aware of the lifesaving gifts that we have inside our bodies that we need to share. From a very young age, she was a conscientious blood donor and signed onto the bone marrow registry. Registering to become a live organ donor, she says, “just felt like the obvious right thing to do. I have always been aware that tissue and organs are needed for people to survive.” Emily believes that her awareness and sensitivity to this need can be attributed to her having lost her father when she was just seven years old.
So last July, in the midst of the Covid spikes and plateaus, Emily underwent the process to gain approval to become a kidney donor. Once she was approved, she was matched with a few transplant hopefuls, but timing and various health issues prevented a transplant from taking place. Then, in December 2020, a definitive match was made. After further testing to ensure the health and safety of both the donor and recipient, a transplant was scheduled. But unfortunately, at the last moment the designated recipient was not well enough to undergo a transplant.
Emily recalls feeling “a bit frustrated, especially since I was going back to Israel at the start of the next school year. But I knew that whoever was supposed to have my kidney would have it. I trusted that it was going to work out well, and I told the doctors, ‘Find someone who can use my kidney before I leave’.”
The Gift of a Better Life
For three years, Elizabeth Yedid Hinden was dealing with the daunting challenges of kidney failure and dependence on dialysis to flush toxins out of her body so she could stay alive. As she describes it: “On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I would get up at 3am, and be picked up at 5:45am to go into the city where I spent four-and-a-half hours tethered to a machine. I would get home exhausted and fall into bed. On the days I wasn’t having dialysis, I was recovering from the procedure. Dialysis stole all my time and energy, and I became a slave to dialysis.” Her only hope for a fuller, richer life was a kidney transplant.
Rabbi Dweck with his surgeon Dr. Goldstein Hackensack at Memorial Hospital before his surgery.Rabbi Dwek getting a beracha before his surgery from his donor’s husband (who is also a kidney donor).
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, there are over 90,000 people waiting for a kidney transplant, with another person being added to the list every nine minutes. The grim news is that 17 people die each day waiting for that lifesaving organ. AJ Gindi, community advocate at Renewal – an organization that matches organ donors with patients – and a kidney donor himself, adds: “There are 14-16 cases of people in our community who are in need of a kidney, and the best odds of them finding a match is from someone within our community.”
Liz understood that the odds of her getting a kidney, with an average wait of 7-9 years, were slim, unless she got up and proactively searched for a donor.
“I was tenacious,” she said. “I contacted every hospital, every organization. And even after being rejected by several hospitals, I kept on trying. And I prayed – a lot.”
Liz’s family, with the help of Renewal, organized a kidney awareness event for the family, friends and the community. Eighty people attended, and many agreed to be “swabbed” to be tested for possible matching to Liz.
Although Liz was and is so grateful for everyone’s efforts, no match was found at that event, and she continued to wait. Then, on July 27, 2021, at 2:30pm, Liz got the life-changing phone call from NY Presbyterian Weill-Cornell telling her that a potential match had been found for her, and that she needed to be in the city the following day for further testing.
Emily received a similar phone call from her hospital telling her that there was another potential match for her kidney, and off she went for further testing. The next obstacle she faced was a series of negotiations between the two hospitals. Usually, when a transplant occurs, both the recipient and the donor are at the same hospital. In this case, since only one hospital would collect a fee, intervention and negotiations from Renewal were needed to make it happen.
On August 25, 2021, a full year after Emily registered to become a donor, and three years after Liz began dialysis, the long-awaited transplant took place.
Because they were not in the same hospital, the two women met over FaceTime right before the surgery. “I remember asking Emily, ‘Why are you doing this? It is so good of you!’ Emily’s response was: ‘It’s the right thing to do’.”
After a week in the hospital, Liz returned home to recover.
“The transplant has completely changed my life. I went from having all my time dedicated to my health and finding a donor, to enjoying and pursuing the things I love. I have been wearing a bracelet that says ‘blessed’ and that is how I truly feel – blessed and grateful.”
That is another thing she and Emily share. “I feel truly blessed and honored – blessed to be healthy, and honored that I have been able to give someone the gift of a better life.”
Rock-Climbing After Donating a Kidney
The idea of donating a kidney to a total stranger is something which few of us have entertained. A cup of sugar, no problem. My car – maybe, if you have your own insurance and fill it with gas when you’re done. But body parts…umm, not so fast.
One reason for the widespread hesitancy is the lack of knowledge about the nature of kidney donation. AJ Gindi, as a representative of Renewal, spends much of his time educating the public. “The donor process begins with a swab test. The swab will give us quite a bit of information about the potential donor. It will tell us his blood type, his HLA type, and other details which will give us an idea of whether or not he is a match for a recipient.” Extensive medical tests follow to assess if you are healthy enough to donate a kidney. “Because the health and wellbeing of the donor is paramount, they will undergo extensive medical testing to ensure that they will be in perfect health after the donation. Most donors will be in the hospital for 2-3 days, and within three weeks are back to full physical strength.” Emily shared that she went rock climbing just one month after she donated her kidney.
Transplants take place around the schedule of the donor, and the donor is fully reimbursed for expenses incurred, including lost wages. At all times, the donor “owns” his or her kidney and can choose to donate anonymously or become a “directed donor” through an event for a specific recipient. The fact that only 30 percent of the people that sign up to be donors actually qualify to donate underscores the tremendous need for volunteers.
AJ Gindi, community advocate at Renewal.
Gd’s Hand in Kidney “Matchmaking”
Rabbi Yitzhak Dwek, a recent recipient of a kidney transplant, sees kidney donation as a holy endeavor. “Hashem, our creator, is the ultimate giver,” the rabbi says. “A person who gives of himself so selflessly, giving another person the chance for a better life… is tremendously holy.”
When I spoke to the rabbi, I shared my thought that Hashem is hard at work not only making marriages, but matches for kidney transplants, as well. He wholeheartedly agreed, and told me his story as further corroboration that these shidduchim happen with Gd’s clearly discernible assistance.
As a single woman, the donor babysat for Rabbi Shimon and Rebbetzin Russel’s children. Before her wedding, she asked Rabbi Russel to meet her fiancé and give his approval. The rabbi confirmed that he was a fine young man, and they married. Fast forward many years…Rebbetzin Russel is in need of a kidney transplant, and the donor approaches Renewal to be tested as a possible match. Although she was not a match, her husband was so inspired by her willingness to donate her kidney, that he also did the swab test and was a match!! The rebbetzin received her life-saving kidney from him.
Fast forward another several years…and Rabbi Dwek is now in need of a kidney after a debilitating bout of Covid. A community event, with over 500 people attending, was held to find a donor for the rabbi, but no match was found. However, Renewal has a database of past volunteers, and found that the donor who was not a match for Rebbetzin Russel was, in fact, a match for Rabbi Dwek. So her kidney, which she intended for Rebbetzin Russel, who subsequently received her husband’s kidney, went to Rabbi Dwek!
But wait…there’s more! When the rabbi and the donor met, they discovered that she was a childhood friend of his daughter’s, and had been in their home many times!
I don’t know how you express your profound amazement at the events I just described, but I know I have broken the rules of writing by overusing exclamation points… It is the only way I know, as a writer, to convey my excitement at witnessing Hashem’s benevolence at work. There is no denying that the Supreme Matchmaker, Hashem, who actually performed the first transplant when he removed Adam’s rib and created Havah, is present and arranging the needs of His beloved people.
“I Never Felt Alone”
Rabbi Dwek expresses his enormous hakarat hatov (gratitude) for the extraordinary communal support system that was at work throughout this process, to all those who have been praying for him daily, and to each of the 500 people who came to be tested as potential donors on his behalf.
“I always knew that our community is great. Throughout the whole ordeal, I never felt alone. I had Hashem and the community behind me. Our hesed and charity is amazing. But donating a life-saving organ is on a whole other level.”
Liz also expresses her heartfelt gratitude, not only to Hashem and Emily, but to the hospital staff and nephrologist Dr. John Lee, who monitor her recovery on a monthly basis. “I am grateful to have so much time on my hands, to pursue the things I love, like teaching art to the seniors at DSN and SBH. I am happy and excited to be able to give back, especially to the seniors. They need something to do, too.”
These miraculous, happy endings are but two of the many stories of selfless giving and grateful receiving. Emily Volz speaks from the heart when she says, “I believe anyone with the gift of health can think of someone else on the other end who is relying on the kindness of a stranger to save their life. And although it may seem scary, we are sharing a tremendous gift.”
Although it is clear that Hashem’s divine intervention is at work in these “matches,” the process begins with us. For more information about becoming a donor, or if you know of someone suffering from kidney failure, please contact our Renewal community Advocate, AJ Gindi, at 732-996-4040. That phone call could very well end up saving a life.
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.” She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” “Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”
Sally F.
Chicken Little
Emma, the teacher, is reading her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma gets to the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So, Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”
Emma then asks her class, “And what do you think the farmer said then?”
Little Maxie raises his hand. “I don’t know what the farmer said. But I would have said, ‘I can’t believe it! A talking chicken!’”
Joe B.
Gym Membership
Saul Epstein joins a local gym in Jerusalem called “Dudu’s.” He can never find the time to go, but when he gets a letter in the mail saying that Dudu’s will cancel his membership unless he renews, he rushes down to make a payment.
When he arrives, his speaks to the gym’s owner, Dudu, and says half-jokingly, “So be honest with me, do you have a name for guys like me who join and never show up?”
“Yes,” says Dudu. “Profit.”
Eli M.
New Father
Sam picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam try his hand at changing a diaper.
“I’m busy,” he said. “I promise I’ll do the next one.”
The next time soon came around, so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, “I didn’t mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby.”
Danny S.
Yiddish Waiter
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else would hear and said… “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
Ronnie L.
Raise Request
Paul goes to see his boss one day and says, “My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled.”
Paul’s boss replies, “Come back tomorrow. I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you.”
Carol A.
Note Worthy
Little Mikey was having a tough time adjusting to first grade. At least twice a week, his parents would receive a note from his teacher outlining his latest infractions.
Finally, his parents sat him down and said, “Mikey, we’ve had enough! We don’t want any more notes from your teacher!”
Mikey replied, “Alright. Do you guys want to tell her or should I?”
Frieda C.
First Week of School
It’s Friday afternoon and Miriam picks up her five-year-old daughter Esther at the end of her first week at primary school. When they get home, Miriam asks Esther, “Well, darling, how was your first week at your lovely new school? Was it as nice as Mommy told you it would be?”
“No, Mommy,” replies little Esther, looking very serious. “No it was not!”
“Oh, my poor wonderful darling,” says Miriam sadly, “why didn’t you enjoy yourself?”
Little Esther replies, “Well Mommy, I think I’m just wasting my time going to school.”
“Why is this, my beautiful princess?” asks Miriam.
“Because, Mommy,” replies little Esther, “I can’t read or write at all. I’m afraid this school thing just isn’t for me.”
Sara R.
Tradition
A young Jewish mother is preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, “You know, I am not sure – this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let’s call Grandma and ask her.”
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why she always slices the ends off the brisket before roasting. The grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, “You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket.”
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. “You know when we make a brisket,” they explain, “we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?”
“I don’t know why you do it,” says the old woman, “but I never had a pan that was large enough to fit in the whole brisket!”
Janet K.
Bank Account
Moshe is sitting in his office one morning when his phone rings.
“Mr. Minkovsky,” says the caller, “my name is Peter Burton and I’m the manager of your bank. As you know, you hold your business account with us and I’m calling to inform you that at close of business yesterday, your account was overdrawn by nearly $600.”
“Thank you, mister bank manager for letting me know this,” replies Moshe. “Do you have access to my account statements for the last three months?”
“Yes, I have them in front of me,” replies the bank manager.
“So could you tell me what my account balance was at the end of each of the last three months?” asks Moshe.
“Yes, of course,” replies the bank manager. “Over the last three months, your account ended the month in credit by $789.26, $1,245.90, and $444.01.”
“So, nu, mister bank manager,” says Moshe, “did I phone you up on those occasions?”
Hi, Frieda here for another roundtable discussion. This month’s topic: Hanukah celebrations. Personally, I love this holiday, and I’m always so excited when it comes around.
This year, everyone is talking about the shortage of goods (especially if you’re an importer, like many men in the community). Will there be enough gifts for sale? Will the prices be as high as they say due to limited supply? Only time will tell. So let’s instead discuss family celebrations. I’m here to share with you some good memories and useful ideas.
In my family, Hanukah usually includes a secret grab bag – one for the kids, and another round for the young adults. Lots of food and donuts, both store-bought and homemade. My aunt fries donuts and sprinkles them with lots of powdered sugar. Another aunt, who’s been hosting for the past several years, likes to plan games to get everyone involved, both young and old. We all hang out and catch up, and it’s really something we look forward to. With everyone getting older, now married and having their own families, I don’t often see my first cousins. The young adults’ grab bag offers us the opportunity to give to each other, and it’s something I organize each year to keep us connected.
Last year, due to Covid, the party looked much different. In fact, to most, it hardly felt like a party at all, but an effort was made. My Aunt Terry, who usually hosts the party, decided not to cancel the event, but to instead make it virtual. She instructed everyone beforehand to pick up a special holiday treat from her house – a pack of holiday-themed cupcakes for each family. We were then given a Zoom login and a link to a trivia game. On the day of the party, my aunt happened to be here in Deal, so I invited her and her family to come play the trivia game at my place, and it was amazing. We ordered takeout and logged in on several computers at the scheduled time. The advantage of a virtual event was that we were joined by my uncle, aunt and cousins who moved to Israel about seven years ago, and who were able to join and play the game over Zoom.
The game was surprisingly entertaining and fun. My aunt’s family took the time to make a trivia question about each member of the family, such as, “What was the name of Uncle Albert’s office cat?” or, “How did so-and-so meet their spouse?” They were multiple choice questions, each with three silly options and one correct answer to choose from. It was also surprisingly bonding. We kept the grab bag for the kids and had them delivered to everyone’s house beforehand. The kids took turns (like we normally do), youngest to oldest, opening their gift on the live Zoom and thanking whoever sent it.
Yet, as nice as it was, I am very much looking forward to us being all together this coming holiday!
With my husband’s family, we changed it up a little. Years back, we used to do a grab bag, but with significant gifts. The spending limit was $50-$100, and people would sometimes make it known what they wanted to avoid the risk of getting a large gift they didn’t want. Last year, we weren’t feeling the high spending limit, so my sister-in-law did something fun: she collected $10 from each of us and bought small, general gifts. She wrapped and numbered them and laid them out on the table at our Hanukah party. When it was time to do gifts, everyone chose a number out of a hat that corresponded to a gift. She announced that trading was allowed, and as soon as we opened the gifts, some people clung to their gems, while others swapped. It was lots of fun. These gifts included a handheld milk frother, head massager, small box with a variety of Chapsticks, small colored plastic cats to be hung on wine glasses to tell them apart, and Poo Pourri (fancy bathroom spray). I still have no idea what this year’s party will look like, but I’m hoping to see everyone in person.
Now let’s turn our attention to some other community members, and see how they celebrate the holiday with their extended family.
Claire Chera
We’re all invited to a family member’s house, usually my aunt. We enjoy a family meal and hang out together. It’s so nice. We have a grab bag to exchange gifts, which is always lots of fun.
In recent years, my aunt has prepared games for us, which have been great. One year, we played Family Feud. My aunt questioned me in advance about my favorite foods, and she placed them on a board, hidden. Then she pinned my husband and my mother against each other in competition to see who could get the most correct answers. My mother won, of course! We all had a good laugh as more family members competed answering various silly questions about their spouses, parents, and cousins. In another game, the daughters were blindfolded and told to do their mothers’ makeup for two minutes. Whoever’s mom looked the best by vote, won!
Some of the other games were simpler, but just as fun, as they allowed the younger kids to get involved. One was separating M&M’s with a straw – whoever got the most blues out in the time allotted was the winner. For each game, my aunt had small gifts such as Amazon gift cards ready to hand to the winners!
Lorraine Shamah
My husband had the idea of instead of giving presents for all eight nights, we would do acts of kindness on one or two of the days of Hanukah. Last year, we bought presents and dropped them off to Sari Shamah (a community healthcare worker) who distributed them in the pediatric ward in Monmouth Hospital. The idea is to do an act of hesed in lieu of giving and receiving gifts. This gives us and our children the sense that it’s not all about getting, that giving can be just as rewarding, if not more so.
Raquel Vogel
Each of the eight nights, I make oily food with dinner, such as French fries or latkes, to make it feel special and yummy. Additionally, each child gets a small, inexpensive gift. I also decorate the inside of my home and put a bowl of chocolate gelt on the table to make the home feel festive. My husband likes to purchase donuts multiple times during the holiday, as well. All this helps us feel the spirit of the holiday all eight days!
Freda Levy
Each year, a different family member hosts our Hanukah party. We all cook and bring a dish (pot luck dinners make it easier on the hostess), and the rest of us help plan the entertainment. Sometimes we do real gifts, but other times we do cheaper gag gifts, which are fun. We have a good laugh as each of us takes turns opening our presents from a mystery sender.
Entertainment varies each year, but we always make sure to keep all ages excited and involved. Minute To Win It is the most popular game we’ve played. We choose simple games that can be played with household items, such as: who can pull the most tissues out of a tissue box with one hand behind their back in one minute; who can knock the most plastic cups down with a ball placed inside a stocking (also within one minute).
On the other nights of the holiday, I have my own traditions. I fry up some edge (Syrian latkes using various veggies in addition to potato) and distribute it to both sides of our family. We light the candles and sing and dance around the menorah. Next, we take out dreidels which we save from year to year, and we play for money, following the traditional dreidel rules. To keep it interesting, my husband decides in each round what price point to give the child who wins.
We don’t give “big-ticket” gifts every night. They get one nice gift for Hanukah, priced usually around $100, no more, and the other nights they’ll either get treats or small prizes. Donuts are typically one of the treats. Another night we’ll go to shul and they’ll hand out candy bags, like on Simhat Torah, that is their treat for that night. We like to teach the value of little things, not to afford too much significance to expensive gifts, so that we do not lose the meaning of the holiday in the materialism that may come with it.
Joy Ades
We like to play the traditional dreidel game as a family during the holiday. Instead of gelt or money, we play with M&Ms. Each year, we buy matching pajamas for the whole family. At our holiday party, a fun event is the pinata – but instead of filling it with candy, we fill it with Hanukah gelt and dreidels.
Leah Nachmani @dumbanddelish
One year, I invited all the small kids in my family over for a Hanukah celebration. I had the table decorated with gifts of various sizes as centerpieces. Each gift had the name of a child on it. I wrapped for each child one large, “good” gift that he or she would like, and I also wrapped some “bad” gag gifts to make them laugh, such as a pack of batteries or tea bags. We all got a kick out of seeing the reactions to the terrible things I decided to wrap and call gifts…
Jeanette Haddad
We do some standard things. For example, a few weeks before Hanukah, we put the names of all the family members in a hat and we each pick to determine whom we need to buy a gift for. We also get together and choose a spending limit. We really love this. I find it brings us together, as we give to someone in the family we might not have thought to buy a gift for.
At our holiday party, we have donut wars, an activity we all enjoy. My mother buys pre-made frozen dough balls and defrosts them in the morning. Then, instead of baking them like it says on the package, she fries them in a shallow baking pan until each side is golden and the middle is cooked through. Next, she prepares the filling and topping table. She puts syringes of Nutella, vanilla and chocolate icing, peanut butter sauce, custard, and jelly. She then puts out bowls of toppings, sprinkles of varying colors and shapes, all different kinds of chocolates like chocolate chips, heath chips, different colored icing in piping bags for drawing and writing, whipped cream, and cherries. She also puts on the table a pile of different serving platters and boards for the teams to choose from.
After everyone’s eaten the meal and it’s time for dessert, the bakers take their places at the decorating stations. Usually, there are four teams of two. They have ten minutes to decide what their plan is, and 25 minutes to execute it. The judges (four family members) make their decision based on taste, creativity and presentation, so the teams really have to focus if they want to win the prize. My mom buys a donut-shaped trophy, and it’s truly coveted. She also buys ribbons for the second and third place winners. Within the first ten minutes of the competition, the teams sit down with a notebook and draw out a plan of what it’ll look like and what it’ll be filled and topped with. When my mom blows a whistle, they are allowed to begin decorating. A second whistle blow means “hands down,” the competition has ended. The trays are brought to the judges one at a time, and one of the team members describes the vision and what they should be tasting. The judges have their cards and they mark from 1-10 on taste, 1-10 on presentation, and 1-10 on creativity. The spectators taste along with the judges, and some of them even fill out their own judging cards to see if they match up with the judges. The team who gets the most points combined from all the judges’ cards wins! My mom announces the winners from last place to first, and it’s always really exciting!
~~~
Wow!
I don’t know about you folks, but I’m super inspired to make this year’s party the best yet. Such awesome and creative ideas for bringing the family together in playful competition!
Wishing everyone has a happy and healthy holiday!
Enjoy!
Frieda Schweky
If this article inspires something great, I’d love to hear about it! You can email me Frieda@sephardic.org or write to me on Instagram @friedaschwekyphoto.
Presented by Rabbi Hayim Asher Arking and Rabbi Ezra Ghodsi of Ohr Halacha
The misvah of menorah is an extremely beloved misvah (Rambam). In regard to all misvot, there is a standard way of performance and then an enhanced and more meticulous way. Being that Hanukah is so beloved, it has been unanimously accepted that the misvah is performed in a superior manner; that is we begin with a single candle on the first night, adding a candle each night, ultimately kindling eight lights in the final night. We hope that the following guide will enhance our superior performance.
When is the preferred time to light the menorah?
The proper time to light is close to nightfall, that is approximately twenty minutes after sunset (4:50pm in the NY/NJ area).1 The earlier on in the evening the better, so as to be within half hour of nightfall; otherwise, anytime thereafter while there are still passersby is fine. If no one will be home until very late, for example at 2am, when there are no people passing by, he may still light when he arrives at that late hour.2 He should try to have at least one other person up while he is lighting the menorah.3 If this is not an option he may light after plag hamincha, provided that there is enough oil to last half hour after nightfall.4
Can I eat before I light?
Once it reaches within a half hour of the time to light the menorah one should not sit down for a bread meal. However, if one already started his meal before that half hour, he may continue, though he can light during his meal.
Is it better for my wife to light on time before I come home, or wait until everyone is home?
Lighting on time is very important and one should not necessarily wait for the rest of the family; however this will depend on how late they will be home, if there will still be passersby, and who it is that we are waiting for. Today, we generally light the menorah indoors, therefore one can be more lenient to wait for the whole family up to a reasonable time that there will still be passersby.5
What if I lit Shabbat candles first?
Although one should first light the menorah and then light the Shabbat candles, if the wife mistakenly lit first, the husband may still light the menorah after the wife has lit the Shabbat candles. If the woman is the one lighting the menorah, and she lit the Shabbat candles first, lighting the menorah at this point will depend on if her custom is to accept Shabbat with the lighting of the candles or not.6
Where do I light?
The placement of the menorah is for public display of the miracles Hashem has done with us. Originally, the lighting would be outside, by the entrance to the courtyard or home. However, as we are in exile among other nations, it is recommended in most places to light inside and not incite our gentile neighbors. Although when lit inside, the menorah is primarily for the people inside the home, we light the menorah by the window so it is visible to the passersby.7
How high should I place my menorah?
The preferred height to place the fire of the candles is approximately between 10 inches and 32 inches high. The reason being that it should be noticeable that the light is for the purpose of Hanukah, and not to provide light for the household. For this reason, the menorah should be placed away from the place of the Shabbat candles. Should the menorah be visible only when placed on a higher window ledge, or if there are young children around, there is no problem with placing the menorah higher than the preferred height mentioned above.8
Who lights?
Unlike other misvot, like eating massah or shaking a lulav, where each person is required to perform the misvah individually, any one member ― man or woman over bar/bat misvah ― may light the menorah on behalf of the household. The reason why women are also obligated in this mitzvah, is because a woman played a significant role (Yehudit killed an important Greek general.)
Children under the age of bar/bat misvah may light any subsequent candles after the first candle is lit by an adult, providing that they have reached the age of chinuch, meaning that they have some understanding of the misvah.
Children younger than that may only light the shamosh candle.9
What should I do if I am a guest?
One may fulfill his obligation with his host. The guest should participate in the misvah by acquiring a partial ownership of the oil and wicks.10 For close family members visiting and sleeping over, the host is surely considering them to be included as part of the household, for regular guests however, it is preferable for the host to verbalize that he is giving the guest acquisition as a partial owner in the oil, wicks, etc.11
I have a child studying out of town in school, is he required to light himself?
Children who are still being supported by their parents and view their parents’ house as home, are still considered part of the household, even though they are temporarily not living in the house. Therefore, they can fulfill their obligation with their parents’ lighting. However, if one’s home is in America and he is in Israel, then at the time of lighting in Israel, no one can yet light in America. When it becomes nightfall in America it is usually past the time when there are passersby in the streets of Israel. Therefore, it is preferable for the student to light himself, and according to some, even with a beracha. If he would be in an earlier time zone, such as home in NY and studying in LA, then all hold he will not recite a beracha.12
How do I light?
Every Friday night in reading bameh madlikin, we recite a list of wicks and oils that are not suitable for Shabbat candles, either because they do not draw the oil well, causing flickering or because of their odor. For Hanukah, however, these wicks and oils may be used. The reason is that since the objective of Shabbat candles is to enjoy and benefit from their light, one may mistakenly adjust or tilt the candle for it to light better on Shabbat. However, Hanukah candles however, are not for our personal use and therefore, even if they do not light well, we have no concern that one may adjust the candles.13
Should I use candles or oil?
The miracle occurred through the flask of oil lasting eight days. Therefore, the preferred manner to perform this misvah is with oil; otherwise, candles are acceptable.14
Which side of the menorah do we start lighting from?
The setup of the candles is arranged so that on the first night the rightmost candle is on the right of the one lighting. On the second night, the second candle will be on the immediate left of the first candle. And so on ― every added candle is placed in the next left slot. The lighting will always begin with the newest added candle (increasingly left) so that when you actually light, your direction will bring you to move your hand toward the right. The reason to perform the lighting in a rightward direction is like all avodah ― service in the Bet Hamikdash where the setup of the service positions the Kohen to begin at a point where his direction during his avodah will subsequently turn toward the right.15
What if my candles went out?
It is proper to keep one’s hand lighting the flame until most of the wick is lit before proceeding to the next candle.16 Once the fire caught onto the wick properly, even if it went out within a half hour, one is not required to light again; however, it is preferable.17 The leftover oil or candle from it extinguishing prematurely can be used for the next night. Otherwise it will not be disposed of like regular garbage since it was dedicated for a misvah; therefore, it is burned, similar to leftover sacrifices.18
Can I light a match from my Hanukah candles?
If the lighting of the match is for the purpose of lighting another candle, the preferred way is to use the shamash candle to light a match or else to directly light from one wick/candle to the other. However, to light or relight the shamash or the lighting for any other purpose, one may not use the Hanukah candles.19
Steven is an owner of a residential building complex. By contract, a tenant who wishes to rent in the luxury building is required to prepay a year in advance at the time of signing. Gary, an old friend of Steven’s, showed interest in one of the smaller apartments in the building. Steven quoted Gary the price of $3,800 for the apartment and Gary rejected the offer as the price seemed exorbitant. Steven then showed Gary a larger apartment he had just rented out on the floor below for the whopping sum of $4,500. Steven explained to Gary that based on the larger apartment’s square footage the going rate for his apartment is at least $3,800. Gary was convinced, he signed, and prepaid the first year of his two-year contract. A short time thereafter Gary spoke with the tenant on the floor below and inquired about the size and cost of his rental. The tenant told Gary that he was paying $3,800 for his apartment, which was clearly larger than Gary’s. Gary confronted Steven and demanded his money back claiming that the apartment was rented to him under false pretenses. Steven dismissed Gary’s claim with the wave of a hand, defending his position by claiming that the contract made no mention of any contingencies or considerations regarding the $3,800 cost of rent. He added that he did not necessarily recall the exact figure he told Gary regarding the larger apartment. Furthermore, Steven explained that the larger apartment was indeed valued at $4,500 in the market. Gary contested and refused to be a victim of deception.
Is Gary entitled to breach his contract? Is he entitled to his money back?
How should the Bet Din rule and why?
Torah Law
According to the ruling of the Shulhan Aruch, a real estate buyer or seller is not legally entitled to nullify a sale due to the price at which the property was sold. Once a transaction is final, a buyer cannot claim that the cost of the property was inflated, thus constituting price fraud.
This ruling is not limited to the sale of property but also includes property rentals. Hence, once a rental transaction is complete, neither the tenant nor the landlord can breach their agreement by claiming price fraud.
Interestingly, although the sale of property cannot be nullified due to price fraud, nevertheless, some halachic authorities view such business dealings as a Torah prohibition. Obviously, even according to this view, if a buyer is aware at the time of the purchase that he is overpaying, the sale is halachically permissible.
Some opinions rule that unless the price charged was double the going market rate there is no Torah violation.
Others differ and rule that one is permitted to sell real estate at an exorbitant rate even if the buyer is unaware of the going market rate.
Leading halachic authorities debate whether one can nullify a real estate transaction in instances in which a seller uses an element of deception to get his price. Some rule that although a seller can demand an exorbitant price for a property, it is illegal to deceive a buyer and mislead him to believe that the exorbitant price reflects the going market rate. In such instances in which the buyer’s perception is wrongfully tainted, the sale can be nullified.
Others differ and argue that it is the responsibility of a buyer to be cautious and suspect that it is common for a seller to manipulate and scheme when interacting with a potential buyer. According to this view, a buyer of real estate is expected to spend time on due diligence to avoid getting harmed or damaged. If he fails to do so, the sale cannot be reversed.
The above halachic dispute has far-reaching ramifications for a Bet Din when determining the outcome of a dispute between two litigants. Generally, the party in possession of the funds can rely on the halachic opinion that supports his claim and he may withhold payment from the other litigant. Obviously, if the latter party did not yet pay, he is not required to do so, and he may rely on the opposing opinion that supports his claim.
The above information is only applicable to real estate transactions. As per the sale of other merchandise, the law varies.
VERDICT: Due Diligence
Our Bet Din submitted a split decision in the dispute between Steven and Gary. The prepaid year of rent that Gary forwarded to Steven is halachically unretrievable. However, Gary is entitled to breach his contract and is not required to rent the property for the second year. As mentioned in Torah law, some halachic authorities rule that although Steven was clearly deceiving, nevertheless, Gary is expected to spend time on due diligence and verify the price of the larger apartment in the building prior to prepaying the year’s rent. It is common practice for a seller to manipulate a buyer and Gary was expected to suspect such behavior and act accordingly. Thus, Steven can rely on this halachic view and withhold the one year of rent he collected. Other halachic authorities differ and rule that in instances in which a seller clearly manipulates and schemes a buyer into a higher price, the sale is null and void. Since Steven wrongfully tainted Gary’s perception of the value of the rental, Gary is entitled to breach the second year of the contract. Gary, who is still in possession of the money of the second year, can withhold payment and rely on the opinion which supports his claim.
YOU BE THE JUDGE
A Short Delivery
Simon was planning a trip to Israel and Robert asked him to take four thousand dollars to his sister who resided in Jerusalem. Robert placed the money in an unsealed white envelope and gave it to Simon. Simon did not count the money and stipulated that he is not assuming responsibility for the funds. He placed the cash in his wife’s bag, which he stowed in the overhead bin on the plane. Upon arrival to Jerusalem, Simon was required by law to quarantine for seven days, and thereafter he took the envelope to Robert’s sister, who counted the cash and found the amount in the envelope was short five hundred and ninety dollars. In Bet Din Robert’s sister reprimanded Simon for carelessly stowing the cash in an overhead bin. Simon responded that the four-thousand-dollar cash envelope he received consisted of many fifty, twenty, and ten-dollar bills, and it would have been an extra time-consuming burden for him to count each bill. Also, the overstuffed envelope was unreasonable to carry on his person for the duration of the flight. Simon added that it was irrational to say that someone stole five hundred and ninety dollars and left the entire balance behind. He therefore suggested that he perhaps never received the complete four thousand dollars from Robert. Robert defended that he carefully counted the money before placing it in the envelope. Robert and his sister suggested that perhaps Simon or his wife mistakenly used the cash for their expenses thinking the cash was their own. The couple responded that for the duration of the flight and the seven days of quarantine they did not even use a total sum near the amount missing.
Rabbi David Eliach, longtime educator of Jewish children in Israel and New York, passed away on Thursday evening, 25 Tishrei/September 30. He was 99 years old.
Rabbi Eliach, whose family lived in Jerusalem for seven generations, originally learned in Hevron Yeshiva. During that time, he was a havrutah of several people who later were known as Torah sages. In addition, soon after the arrival of the relatively unknown Chazon Ish, zt”l, in Eretz Yisrael from Vilna, Rabbi Eliach merited to spend time with him in a ramshackle shanty in the newly formed city of Bnei Brak. He compiled his memories of those days in Mandate Palestine in a book titled Ha’avar Shelo Avar.
In 1943, while preparing to study for a career in law, Rabbi Eliach was asked to teach 70 of the 800 “Yaldei Teheran,” some young, orphaned children who were brought to what was then Palestine. Although the job was meant to last only a few weeks, Rabbi Eliach decided that these children needed guidance, and thus he began his long, storied career in teaching.
In 1953, Rabbi Eliach came to the United States to take a teaching position at the Yeshivah of Flatbush, and shortly thereafter was named Assistant Principal of Judaic Studies. In 1967, he became Principal of the Yeshivah of Flatbush High School and served as Dean of its elementary and high schools. Rabbi Eliach was Adjunct Assistant Professor in the Azrieli Graduate Institute of Jewish Education and Administration at Yeshiva University.
In 1987, Yeshiva University conferred an honorary degree of Doctor of Pedagogy upon Rabbi Eliach, the first educator to receive that honor. In 1992, he was honored with the prestigious Covenant Award. Rabbi Eliach stepped down as principal of the high school in 1997 and served as principal emeritus. He continued to come to the elementary school and high school each week to mentor teachers up until the pandemic began. He officially retired from the Yeshivah of Flatbush this past June. Yihyeh zichro baruch.
Governor Hochul Announces Nearly $25 Million Available to Strengthen Security at Nonprofit Organizations
Last month, NY Governor Kathy Hochul visited the Museum of Jewish Heritage in Battery Park City and announced the availability of an additional $25 million to help nonprofit organizations. The funds will be used to improve the security of their facilities to better protect those at risk of hate crimes or attacks because of their ideology, beliefs, or mission.
“By their very nature, hate crimes strike at the heart of our democratic values and threaten to undermine the very tenets of our society,” Governor Hochul said. “By helping these nonprofit organizations protect themselves against these cowardly acts of violence, we continue to make public safety a top priority. Bigotry and hate have no place in our state, and we will do everything in our power to protect vulnerable people from those who would lash out against them due to their ideology, beliefs, or mission.”
Maimonides Celebrates Grand Opening of Maimonides Doctors Multispecialty Pavilion
Last month, Maimonides Medical Center celebrated the grand opening of the new Maimonides Doctors Multispecialty Pavilion, Brooklyn’s newest destination for outstanding healthcare.
The state-of-the-art facility located on Ninth Avenue between 48th and 49th Streets, is home to more than 130 world-class physicians and 35 specialty and primary care practices, including: adult medicine specialties; pediatrics specialties; surgical specialties; women’s health and OB/GYN services; primary care; Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) services; and the Maimonides Neurosciences and Heart & Vascular Institutes.
“This new addition to our campus is a significant milestone in our ongoing transformation to better meet the needs of our community,” noted Kenneth D. Gibbs, Maimonides President and CEO. “Maimonides Doctors Pavilion reflects Maimonides’ commitment to making patients’ experience exceptional – delivering the world-class care Maimonides is renowned for and providing easy access in a single location with modern spaces, parking, and the ability to get the ancillary services they need without leaving the building.”
I was already disheartened about the whole Afghanistan fiasco before reading last month’s cover story (Arming the Taliban). But after reading what Marine Corps Major Joshua S. Zager had to share – I literally got sick to my stomach.
The global lesson learned from this tragedy is that the universal revulsion of the mainstream press towards the barbaric Taliban is heavily filtered with bias when reporting on Israel’s enemies, Hamas and Hezbollah. Magically, with a strong dose of anti-Semitism, there is a sudden moral equivalence in the media and the Squad, between Israel and their arch-enemies, that is shocking to basic human logic. What the Taliban is doing to their own people is what Hamas and their ilk want, Gd forbid, to do to Jews, but unimaginably worse.
Moshe K.
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This whole enterprise to remold Afghanistan into a modern democracy was doomed from the very start, and it is a pity that no one dares to analyze why this is so. The Afghan population is very religious Islamic, yet, none of our civilian or military leaders ever studied the Koran and the Sunnah in order to learn what guides, motivates, and inspires most of the Afghan population. If they had studied Islam, they would have known that it was impossible to make a liberal democracy out of a Moslem society. There is no way that we can win the hearts and minds of religious Moslems no matter how much money we give them, and no matter how many roads, schools, water filtration plants, government buildings, and mosques we build for them. The very religious Moslem Taliban will always be closer to the Afghans’ hearts and minds than we will. The Taliban wants a stricter practice of Islam than much of the rest of the population, but all of them want Islam.
Carl G.
Household Help
Thanks for last month’s column about the pros and cons with household help. I believe in designating children to do chores. They should have time to play, study, and do chores. Many moms today try to prevent their kids from doing anything unpleasant. But as a result, we raise lazy kids, young women who don’t know how to care for the house, and young men who don’t know how to cook or do their own laundry. Plus, doing chores together can be fun, creates a common purpose, teaches many lessons, and can bring family together. Oh, and we also save some money!
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I always had cleaning help until about two years ago, and it has taken me this long to realize what a huge mistake it’s been to be without the help of my own children. My kids have learned to clean up after themselves, and we have saved money – but in the end it is not worth it. I’m a mother of a large family and the only overworked person is me! I stay up way too late at night to have some “me” time. The laundry never ends, I don’t have time to exercise unless I’m willing to let other high-priority things go, and the list goes on. A sane, happy mother – now that’s worth something! Unfortunately, now that my husband is unemployed, I don’t have a choice in the matter, But for those that do – think twice before you decide to do it on your own.
Lorraine H.
Judge Gina Levy Abadi
Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed reading the interview with Judge Gina Levy Abadi (The First Orthodox Sephardic Woman to Join the NY Supreme Court). May she be guided by Hashem to judge the facts and the law correctly and may her service be a Kiddush Hashem. Mabrouk!
We do some standard things. For example, a few weeks before Hanukah, we put the names of all the family members in a hat and we each pick to determine whom we need to buy a gift for. We also get together and choose a spending limit. We really love this. I find it brings us together, as we give to someone in the family we might not have thought to buy a gift for.
