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“It’s Not Fair! Everyone Has It Except Me!”

 If you’ve been parenting your children for more than a few minutes you already know that “Everyone has it” means that someone has it. How do we respond to our children when they try to guilt us about how they are the only ones in their class or camp group that does not have a certain item or who isn’t allowed to do a certain activity?

Clarify Your Values  

First, get clear about the actual lifestyle you want your family to have. Make sure to choose schools and camps that match the lifestyle that you are looking for your family and your children. All too often parents say that 95 percent of the children in their kids’ classes do or have a certain thing that they as parents are totally against. If that is the case, parents can rethink whether the school is a good fit for their family. If not, although it is not easy, your best bet is to  find a different setting that matches the value system of their home. With an open mind, you will see that there are many schools to choose from these days.  

Once you are comfortable with the lifestyle of MOST of the school’s population, recognize that you will be saying no to things that other parents say yes to. The healthiest way to go is to never judge the other parents, and to also be confident that different families do different things. If your children play outside, you will see that some neighbors might allow their children to play outside until 8:00 p.m., while others call the kids in earlier or permit them to stay out later, and that is 100 percent okay. If we are judgmental of other families who allow different things, our children will sense our insecurity about the limits we set. 

Get Confident! 

If the child senses that a part of you wants to tell them no but the other part of you pities the child, your child will pity himself because, as we know, children always feel our vibes. Our children can feel disappointed in a healthy way and then be able to move on. (If validation of our children’s feelings is left out of the equation, it makes it much harder for them to move on.) It becomes tricky when we ourselves are not confident about whether or not this is good for our child. So, before we give the child an answer, think it over so that you actually get confident.

The next rule is: don’t make your child the odd man out. You don’t want to be the one mother who’s saying no to a certain item when 95 percent of the class really does have it. If it is, in fact, something that you passionately believe is unhealthy, perhaps you can speak to a school administrator and work together to try to bring the student body to a better place. School administrators are happier to listen to parents when instead of expressing complaints we frame what we are saying in a way that brings about collaboration to raise our children to a higher level. 

Get clear on what’s right, get confident, and lead the healthy way for your children!  

Make Your Child Feel Validated  

If your child asks why other children are allowed to do something or have something you do not permit, you can respond with any of the following statements:  

First start with, “It’s so normal that you wish you can have…” (validation) 

Then wait a few seconds, and you can add: (Pick one) 

“Every family does things differently.” 

“This is what we decided is best for our family.” 

“When you ask why other families have things it comes across like you think every family should have/do the same things, and I know you don’t really believe that.” 

“My thoughts also sometimes tell me to look at what other people have.”

Remember that the goal is for your child to feel validated, and to also know that it’s actually not good for them to have everything they want. Making these statements is not going to make your child magically stop wanting the item, but your confidence about the limit can certainly help them get through the disappointment. 

Propel Graduation

This past month, PROPEL hosted its third graduation at The Center. The graduation celebration showcases PROPEL’s accomplishments through the achievements of clients who have completed their certificate studies or educational programs and are now ready to enter the workforce.

The room was full of proud family and friends of the graduates. The graduates were all adorned in their graduation sashes. They were followed by their coaches, Ellen Ades and Gitta Neufeld. Among the guests were PROPEL’s proud board members, President Dr. Gayle Krost, Michael Haddad, Jacqueline Harary, Elaine Parker, and Gitta Kaplan. In addition, many of the mentors from PROPEL’s “Weaving a Network: Women Helping Women,”  were in the audience applauding the accomplishments of the PROPEL graduates.

PROPEL’s Co-Executive Directors, Randi Eisenstein and Alissa Shams, and Director of Operations, Viviane Darwish, welcomed the guests, and praised the graduates for all of their successes. They also thanked all those community members who support PROPEL and its mission to inspire, train, and educate women to enter the workforce.

Dr. Gayle Krost, President of the PROPEL Board of Directors, expressed her heartfelt congratulations to the graduates and shared some exciting updates about PROPEL. Over the last six years, PROPEL has coached over 800 women, graduated over 200, and currently assists over 50 women in graduate school.

Ellen Ades, PROPEL’s career coach, proudly introduced Michelle Saad, who inspired the audience with her personal story and accomplishments in the workforce. Michelle, a wife and mother of four, reached out to PROPEL several years ago to hone her professional skills. With Ellen’s guidance, Michelle began taking computer courses, and worked diligently to gain skills essential in today’s workplace. Michelle succeeded in building a career and is proud to be a role model to her children. Michelle’s beautiful testimonial included words from her husband, who sees Michelle as a heroine who tapped into her inner strengths as she re-entered the workforce. PROPEL, Michelle’s husband noted, is the organization that helped her entire family move forward.

Gitta Neufeld, PROPEL’s educational consultant, proudly introduced Sally Baraka. Sally is a PROPEL Ed Touro graduate who is receiving a dual master’s degree in Jewish Education and Special Education. She is currently teaching at Yeshiva Prep and is applying the skills she acquired. During the pandemic, Sally reached out to PROPEL for guidance and help with determining how to best utilize her strengths and experiences. Gitta has helped Sally throughout her educational journey at Touro, and she continues to mentor Sally as she advances in her career.

The keynote speaker and awardee of the evening was Shifra Hanon, a well-known educator at Yeshivah of Flatbush, and namesake of The Shifra Hanon Pathfinders program. In addition to her many heartfelt hesed endeavors, Shifra is very involved in PROPEL’s mentorship program in conjunction with UJA – “Weaving a Network – Women Helping Women.” Evet Ballas, a PROPEL ambassador and entrepreneur extraordinaire (Light Lab Design), spoke beautifully about the many fine character traits that Shifra possesses. The audience was touched when Evet relayed the kindness that she experienced firsthand in high school from Ms. Hanon. Evet was a 14-year-old immigrant, new  in this country, with limited English-speaking skills, and Ms. Hanon took her under her wing.

Shifra, a woman of great humility, emotionally accepted the beautiful personalized Eshet Hayil plaque, whose words so befit her. Evet was one of Shifra’s many touch points throughout her career, and they continue to maintain a beautiful and supportive relationship.

Shifra has used her energies and talents to support those around her, and make them feel like they can accomplish anything. She exemplifies mentorship and there is no better PROPEL role model to honor for this accomplishment. Shifra spoke volumes about her love of PROPEL and her continued role as both mentor and advisor to community members.

Most fitting was the establishment of the Shifra Hanon Scholarship Fund. It was so fitting that fund Caroll Dweck Sutton announced the new fund. Shifra’s is Carol’s protégée and beloved colleague at Yeshiva of Flatbush.

The graduation concluded with the presentation of certificates by PROPEL’s board members. Receiving those certificates, testifying to the students’ perseverance and success, proved to be an incredibly proud moment for both PROPEL graduates and supporters alike. The song We Are The Champions rang loudly as the audience cheered during the closing montage, showcasing the accomplishments of the multi-faceted organization that is PROPEL. 

_________________________________________ 

PROPEL 646-494-0822 | info@thepropelnetwork.org | Instagram @PropelNetwork  

Please reach out to PROPEL: 

*If you are interested in a career or career advice; PROPEL can help you take the steps to fulfill your professional goals and dreams.

*If you are interested in joining PROPEL’s cohort of mentors in PROPEL’s “Weaving a Network: Women Helping Women” program or being paired with a mentor.

From the Files of the Mitzvah Man – Hashem’s Miracles Are Large and Small, Explainable and Unexplainable

Some time ago, volunteer at the Mitzvah Man hotline received an unusual request. The caller asked for someone to please visit a family member named Ann who has been in a coma for three months. Most visitations are to lonely seniors and Holocaust survivors. Hospital visitations are usually made to patients who are lucid, and are in need of company. 

At first, the Mitzvah Man was not sure  a volunteer could be found. Perhaps, he thought, he should visit himself. It would not be an easy visit.  

However, much to the Mitzvah Man’s surprise, a woman named Janet responded to the request. She lived an hour away from the hospital where Ann was a patient and was prepared to visit Ann the next day. 

Janet went to see Ann as promised. What happened during the visit was nothing short of miraculous!  

The Mitzvah Man listened to Janet in amazement as she recounted her visit to Ann.  

“I read Tehillim, rubbed Ann’s hands, and I sang to her, doing this for two and a half hours. Suddenly, Ann opened her eyes and said, ‘Oh, my leg is hurting!’ I ran to get a nurse. The nurses came running in. They couldn’t believe their eyes! They were all in shock, saying how Ann was so unresponsive for three months!” 

Of course, Ann’s family was called right away. They rushed straight to the hospital. They were amazed and so grateful to Janet, whose devoted actions brought Ann out of her coma. 

The impossible became possible. None of the hospital staff thought that Ann would wake up from her coma. As far as they were concerned, they had tried everything possible. 

Janet continues to visit Ann, who continues the therapy she needs after such a long period of unconsciousness. Janet’s selfless dedication to doing the mitzvah of helping another Jew may just have been what tipped the scales for Ann. We will never know. However, we do know that nothing is impossible in Hashem’s World. 

After all, miracles come large and small, explainable and unexplainable.

Mayor Sam Cohen Welcomes the Community to Deal

Dear Friends,

I am excited to welcome everyone back to a fresh, beautiful, and exciting summer season in Deal.

Our borough team has been working year-round on always new and ongoing initiatives. As many of our residents are returning to the borough after months away from Deal, I would like to share with you some highlights and updates.

The beauty and grandeur of the Borough of Deal is a tradition from its earliest days. While the work was being done on Almyr Avenue last week, we were reminded of just that. Several cobblestone bricks were unearthed below the pavement with blue glazing and Tiffany and a date of 1907 embossed on the underside. We did a little research and found that there was in fact a Tiffany brick company around 1900 that produced these. You’ll remember that Ocean Avenue used to be all yellow brick and apparently some or all of Almyr Avenue included these blue bricks!

To that end, we continue our efforts to enhance and maintain the town’s appearance. We are in the process or have completed several major resurfacing projects which include Lawrence Ave., Deal Esplanade, the entire length of Almyr Ave., Pearl Ct., as well as Phillips Ave. and Parker Ave. (west of Norwood).

On another note, I want to urge both residents and visitors of Deal to enjoy the Borough safely. As always, we encourage bicyclists, motorists, and pedestrians to exercise extra caution during the busy summer months.

Furthermore, there continue to be too many reports of car thefts in the area. In turn, we urge all residents to be extra vigilant with their vehicles and homes. Virtually every car stolen has had the keys left inside. Should you have any concerns whatsoever, please visit us at: http://www.dealborough.com/ and fill out a “Report a Concern” form. If you require any immediate assistance, police, fire or first aid for an emergency, please dial 911. I along with

fellow Commissioners, Morris Ades and David Simhon, would like to extend our warmest wishes for a safe and enjoyable summer

Sincerely,

Mayor Samuel Cohen

Hardships – Our or Someone Else’s?

It is told that the students of the Baal Shem Tov once asked their Rabbi, “You’ve always taught us that every negative character trait can be used in a positive, constructive way. Jealousy can be used to bring us closer to Hashem if we envy those who are more spiritually accomplished than us. Even desire can be used for the right reasons. But what about kerifah (heresy)? How can this be used for a positive purpose?’

The Baal Shem Tov answered that kerifah – the denial of Hashem – must be used in situations where one’s fellow is suffering and going through a difficult time. The person enduring hardship must try to have complete faith in Hashem, but the other people in his life should approach the situation with a tinge of kerifah. They should not tell him, “Don’t worry, just have faith in Hashem; He loves you and he’ll make sure everything turns out fine.” While this is certainly true, this should not be our response to a person facing hardship. Instead, we need to share in his pain and try to help him in any way we can. If our friend lost his job and is worried how he will provide for his family, we should not tell him, “Don’t worry, Hashem will take care of it.” Instead, we should think of how we can help provide him with the money he needs until he finds a new job, and which connections we have that might help him find new employment.

Afterward, once a person sees that we are genuinely concerned and trying to help, then we can offer words of encouragement and try strengthening his emunah by reminding him that Hashem can solve every problem and that He loves and cares for all of us. But first we must offer assistance and sensitivity.

The Steipler Gaon once said that after having untold numbers of people approach him over the course of many years for help with their problems, he realized that no matter what a person’s problem is, it fills the entire heart and causes overwhelming pain. He added that the person who is suffering should try to strengthen his emunah, but everyone else needs to focus their attention on offering assistance in any way they can.

When we learn about emunah and bitachon, it’s for ourselves, reinforcing in our minds the awareness of how everything that happens is caused directly by Hashem Who always wants only the very best for us. A person’s remark cannot break a shidduch; a doctor’s mistake cannot hurt a patient; and a competitor cannot take away someone’s parnassah. The pasuk in Eichah (3:37) states, Who could possibly cause something to happen if Hashem did not first decree that it should happen? Hashem is behind everything that takes place, he loves us, and wants us to trust Him even when we do not understand why things happen. But we must train ourselves ahead of time, before hardship sets in. It is very difficult to teach people to have emunah while they’re

experiencing hardship. In a period of pain and anxiety, people are not receptive to this message. But if we keep reminding ourselves of how everything is caused by Hashem Who wants only the best for us, we are preparing ourselves to be able to remain calm and relaxed in any situation.

Imagine that Hashem comes to a person one morning and says to him, “I know you have a very important business meeting today, with a lot at stake. But I am in charge of your parnassah, I love you very much and I will always take care of you, and today, for reasons that you cannot know, I am causing you to have a flat tire on the way to work. Trust me, this is the very best thing for you.” When that person has a flat tire on his way to work, he will not get agitated at all, because he was prepared ahead of time and realizes that this was caused by Hashem and it must therefore be the best thing to happen. We have to try to feel that way in every situation in life, realizing that everything is from Hashem and not get depressed or anxious. Hashem is in full control of our lives and the more we live with this recognition, the happier we will be.

The Case – Not All Fun and Games

Annie operates a playgroup for toddlers from her home, located on the main floor of a three-story apartment house. She opened the playgroup nearly a year ago and did not receive any complaints from the neighbors in her building. Sally, the neighbor on the third floor, without warning, opened a file in our Bet Din demanding that Annie is to close her playgroup immediately. The basis for Sally’s complaint included congestion in the entrance way of the building, the noise coming from the playgroup throughout the day, and the depreciation of the value of her apartment by allowing a business to operate from the main floor of the building. In her defense, Annie responded that Sally’s complaints were not substantial issues. As per the congestion in the entrance way, Annie defended that not all the children arrive at the same time. Rather, most often the children arrive one by one in the span of an hour. They are picked up midday during hours that most of the residents of the building are either at work or are out shopping. Annie continued that the noise factor was a frivolous complaint, especially from a neighbor living on the third floor. She further defended that she is not the first person to open a playgroup from their home, and never heard of the value of a property depreciating as a result of a playgroup. Annie suggested that Sally was jealous of her successful business and that is the reason Sally is only complaining after nearly a year. Sally countered that the reason she did not complain earlier is because she originally thought she could handle the disturbances, but she now realizes that it is beyond her ability to do so.  

How should the Bet Din rule, in favor of Sally or Annie, and why? 

Torah Law 

According to the ruling of the Shulhan Aruch, one has the right to prevent and control the amount of noise or traffic caused by a neighbor. Leading halachic authorities limit this right to instances in which the neighbor’s conduct is clearly abusive. In determining what constitutes abusive conduct, a Bet Din will examine what is viewed as customary practice in the area of residence.  

Leading halachic authorities suggest that noise or traffic during day hours is not necessarily viewed as excessive, unless it spans over a good portion of the day. Naturally, such rules and regulations are subject to the assessment of a staff of rabbinical judges.  

The education of our children, the future of our nation, is viewed by our Torah with the upmost of importance. A community is required to contribute and even sacrifice for the welfare of its children by providing for them a proper education. Within reason, the rights of a neighbor can be waived for the sake of the education of our children. Hence, a reasonable amount of noise and congestion is not necessarily a valid complaint to close a playgroup educating our children in their early years.  

Furthermore, according to some halachic opinions, certain leniencies are extended to a business that is typically operated in a residential neighborhood and not in a commercial center. A service that benefits the general public can operate although it likely poses a slight inconvenience to some of its neighbors. Playgroups, schools, and the like need to operate within a neighborhood for the safety and convenience of the children. 

The burden of proof is on a claimant when he accuses another party of causing depreciation and damage to property. In the absence of proof, a Bet Din will reject a baseless claim. 

Lastly, a business actively operating for a year without complaint is an indication that the neighbors acquiesced to its existence. It also serves as an indication that if the status quo is maintained, the neighbors forfeited their claim to request its closing. 

A Bet Din will formally instruct a business to conduct their business dealings in compliance with the law of the land. Service businesses sometimes require a license and insurance in order to operate legally.

VERDICT: For the Sake of Our Children 

Our Bet Din ruled in favor of Annie by permitting her to maintain the size and status of her playgroup. As explained in Torah law, although the playgroup generated some noise and congestion, it was nevertheless not excessive. Additionally, the span of time that the noise and slight congestion could have possibly affected the surroundings was for no more than an hour a day. Our Bet Din conveyed to Sally the importance of the education of our children and requested of her to waive her complaint for their sake. We further expressed to Sally that it is most typical of playgroups and the like to operate in residential areas. Hence, halachically, Annie is entitled to provide such a service in a non-commercial area. Annie’s playgroup was open for approximately a year without interruption or complaint. Seemingly, from a halachic standpoint, Sally acquiesced to the existence of Annie’s playgroup in her building. Sally’s claim that the playgroup depreciated the value of her apartment was rejected. The claim was unproven and was seemingly baseless. 

Lastly, our Bet Din instructed Annie to be sure to operate her business in compliance with civil law. She presented to us her satisfactory legal paperwork.

YOU BE THE JUDGE 

It’s Mine  

Bobby was interested in purchasing a fine piece of jewelry for his wife for their upcoming anniversary. On his recent trip overseas, while window shopping, he found the perfect piece. However, he did not make the purchase at that time. With his anniversary nearing, he reached out to Joey, an acquaintance in the country abroad, and instructed him to make the purchase for him. Bobby transferred the money to Joey and the very next morning Joey purchased the fine piece of jewelry. Much to Joey’s surprise, immediately upon the purchase the store owner presented him with a valuable $500 gift certificate. The store was running a promotion awarding a valuable gift certificate to the first customer to enter and make a purchase on that day. Joey later notified Bobby of the gift he received, and Bobby demanded that the gift be forwarded to him. After all, it was ultimately his purchase that made the gift possible. Joey resisted, explaining that the store owner specifically presented him with the gift certificate. 

Who is entitled to the $500 gift certificate, Joey or Bobby? 

How should the Bet Din rule and why? 

Do We Need Anger?

Do we ever go an entire day without getting angry?

Perhaps we sometimes do…but Gd doesn’t.

The verse in Tehillim (7:12) states, “VeKel zo’em bechol yom – And Gd is enraged every day.”  The Gemara in Masechet Berachot (7a) interprets this to mean that there is a fraction of a second every day when Gd is angry.  Every single day, there is a very brief moment of divine wrath.

Confronting Our Evil Instincts

The Gemara explains on this basis the mysterious story of Bilam, which we read this month.

Bilam was an evil, gentile prophet who was hired by Balak, the king of Moav, to place a curse on Beneh Yisrael.  Bilam had earned a reputation for the effectiveness of his spells, and so Balak, a fierce enemy of Beneh Yisrael, decided to solicit his “services” and have him 

place a curse on Gd’s beloved nation, so they would be annihilated.  The plot backfired, quite drastically, as Gd forced Bilam to bless Beneh Yisrael, instead of cursing them.  The Gemara explains that Bilam had  the unique ability to determine the moment of every day when Gd becomes angry, and he could then seize that opportunity to place a curse.  This is how he was so successful in his “craft” – by pronouncing his curse at the instant when Gd grows angry.  However, throughout the time when Bilam tried to curse Beneh Yisrael, Gd mercifully refrained from anger.  In order to protect His beloved nation from Bilam’s nefarious scheme, Gd suspended His daily moment of rage during this period.  And thus Bilam was, in effect, disarmed, such that he was forced to bless Beneh Yisrael.

The Gemara’s comments give rise to many questions, which have been addressed by our sages throughout the centuries.  For our purposes here, let us focus on perhaps the most basic question: why does Gd get angry every day?  Is it because there are always people acting wrongly?  Is it ever possible for a day to go by without Gd becoming angry?

The scholars of Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism) offer an insight into this Talmudic teaching, explaining the nature and purpose of Gd’s daily moment of anger.  We need anger, the Kabbalists teach us, in order for us to be angry at our yetzer hara – our evil inclination.  The Gemara (Berachot 5a) instructs, “A person should always make his good inclination furious at his evil inclination.”  We are born with negative, sinful impulses, and the only we can resist them is by holding them in contempt, by “fuming” at our instinct to act wrongly.  This is why Gd becomes angry each day.  He does not need to be angry at people – but He needs to inject a degree of anger into the world for us to use in our lifelong struggle against our negative tendencies.

This is why the verse in Tehillim states, “VeKel zo’em bechol yom” – referring to Gd with the Name “Kel” (spelled aleflamed).  This Name signifies the highest level of Gd’s kindness, as evidenced by the verse elsewhere in Tehillim (52:3), “Vehesed Kel kol hayom – Gd’s kindness is throughout the day.”  Gd’s daily moment of anger is a great act of kindness.  It occurs not out of a desire for vengeance, Heaven forbid, but out of love and compassion, to enable us to confront and overpower our sinful inclinations.

Bilam, however, misused this great gift of anger.  He took the anger which Gd brought into the world for our benefit, and directed it towards the people he despised, thereby destroying them.  Gd shielded Beneh Yisrael from Bilam by suspending even His brief daily moment of anger, so that Bilam could not harm them.

Pinhas’ Anger

The Kabbalists explain on this basis the story that followed Bilam’s unsuccessful attempt to curse Beneh Yisrael – the sin of Ba’al Pe’or, and Pinhas’ act of zealotry which ended that tragic episode.

Seeing that he was unable to curse Beneh Yisrael, Bilam advised Balak to send women to lure Beneh Yisrael to immorality and idol worshipBilam knew that Gd would need to punish the nation for these two grievous sins – illicit relationships, and pagan worship – and they would then be annihilated. 

This scheme, unfortunately, succeeded, as Beneh Yisrael were seduced by the Moavite women and worshipped their deity, Ba’al Pe’or.  Gd unleashed a plague that killed 24,000 people.  But the plague ended when Pinhas, a grandson of Aharon, arose and publicly slew two public violators.  Afterward, Gd informed Moshe that Pinhas would be rewarded for his heroic act, which effectively saved Beneh Yisrael from annihilation, as Gd would have destroyed the entire nation if Pinhas had not acted. 

How could Beneh Yisrael have fallen prey to this scheme?  Were they not sufficiently firm in their commitment to withstand the lures of the women of Moav? 

The answer, the Kabbalists explain, is that, as we have seen, Gd had withheld His anger from the world during this period.  Bilam knew the reason why He was unable to curse Beneh Yisrael – because Gd made a point of withholding His anger.  And without Gd’s anger in the world, people’s ability to overcome the yetzer hara is compromised.  Bilam understood that the absence of Gd’s anger left Beneh Yisrael vulnerable to temptation – and so he advised Balak to lure them to sin, a strategy which would have succeeded, if not for Pinhas’ act of zealotry. 

When Gd announced His reward to Pinhas, he described how Pinhas “heshiv et hamati” – which is commonly translated as, “pulled away My anger.”  However, the word “hesheiv” usually means “return” or “restore.”  The deeper meaning of this verse, then, is that Pinhas “restored” anger to the world.  Gd had withdrawn His anger so that Bilam would be unable to curse Beneh Yisrael – and this resulted in their vulnerability to sinful lures.  Pinhas’ angry zealotry reintroduced anger into the world, so that Beneh Yisrael would once again have the ability to overpower the yetzer hara.

Constructive Anger 

There is much more to discuss regarding this perspective on the story of Bilam, and several questions that still need to be resolved.  (For example, we must ask how it was possible that Bilam could, seemingly, “outmaneuver” Gd through this tactic, leading to the death of 24,000 people among Beneh Yisrael.  One great Spanish commentator, Rav Avraham Saba, explained that these 24,000 violators were actually the erev rav – foreigners who joined Beneh Yisrael when they left Egypt, who were sinful and not committed to Gd, such that they needed to be eliminated.)  In this context, however, I would like to focus on one specific message that we can learn from this Kabbalistic understanding of the text, and that is, the proper approach to anger. 

The Kabbalists here are teaching us, in effect, that anger is to be directed towards ourselves, not towards other people.  We are to become angry not at what others do, but at the darker elements of our own characters, our flaws and sinful inclinations.   

Unfortunately, we often misuse anger, directing it the wrong way.  Rather than harnessing this power for the lofty purpose of opposing our sinful temptations, we use anger to oppose other people.  Anger can and must be used constructively, not destructively.  Gd brings anger into the world not so we can shout at and resent people who wrong us, but rather so we can work on ourselves and grow, by being angry at our faults and vices. 

Pinhas’ act of zealotry represents the exception, not the rule.  He arose to restore the anger which is needed in the world.  And, indeed, there are exceptional circumstances when anger towards other people is necessary, for the purpose of taking a stand and opposing evil.  Generally, however, the emotion of anger is to be directed inward, to strongly oppose our bad habits and character flaws, and not towards the flaws of other people. 

The three-week period leading to Tisha B’Av is traditionally a time when we focus on improving our interpersonal conduct, in an effort to correct the sin of sin’at hinam (baseless hatred) which caused the destruction of the second Bet Hamikdash, and which has prevented its restoration for two thousand years.  A key element of this effort is controlling, restraining and managing our anger.  So much of the hostility that exists between people is a result of this especially powerful human emotion.  When we feel wronged, offended or disrespected, or when we observe behavior of which we disapprove, we are naturally overcome by anger, which causes us to say and do things that we shouldn’t.  The great masters of Kabbalah teach us that we should reserve our anger for our internal enemy, our yetzer hara.  We should be tolerant of others, but intolerant of our own faults.  This is why Hashem brought anger into the world. 

A number of rabbis taught that the 22 days of mourning from Shivah Asar BeTamuz through Tisha B’Av correspond to the 22 days of Yom Tov which we celebrate over the course of the year (eight days of Pesach, seven days of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret, and Simhat Torah, two days of Shavuot, two days of Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur).  This correspondence teaches that in the future, these days will be observed as days of festivity and celebration.  Let us work to transform our feelings of anger and resentment towards others into feelings of love, kindness and sensitivity, so we will be worthy of the transformation of these days of mourning into days of festivity, amen. 

Letters – July 2022

One’s Mission in Life 

Although I enjoyed and appreciated Rabbi Eli Mansour’s inspiring words last month (“Everybody Has Their Own Special and Unique Mission”), I never understood people’s hang-ups about trying to figure out their mission in life. There really is no need to knock yourself out trying to figure it out on your own – Gd will direct your steps to the location where your mission lies. 

Actually, Gd tells us plainly what our mission is. He says, “What do I desire more than sacrifice?” Then he tells us what that is. He wants us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, care for the sick, provide for the widows and orphans, and give to the poor. He tells us to love our neighbors and to do all kinds of good works. If we do His will, He will add joy to it. And I think that when we ask what is my mission, really it is happiness that we are looking for, and we are just feeling a little lost within the muck of self-interest. Gd understands that we need to work in order to be fulfilled. We have to love and work in order to gain the love that we are longing for. All of the things that Gd asks us to do are for our own personal joy in the end. That is the real miracle work of Gd. Obedience brings about happiness, joy, and fulfillment. 

Elliot D. 

 

Rav Chaim Kaniefsky, zt”l 

Many articles have been written about Rav Chaim Kaniefsky, zt”l, since his petira. All of them are most inspiring. I felt that Rabbi Meyer Yedid’s message (“He’s Closer Than We Think” – Issue #7) was unique in that it applied to and addressed all of us – both men and women.  

Rabbi Yedid explains how each of us can incorporate the Gadol Hador’s exemplary middot into ourselves in our everyday lives. 

Thank you Community for this illuminating article. 

Mrs. E. Berman 

  

Wedding Prep 

Great tips last month on wedding preparation (“Preparing for a Family Wedding”). One item that people are probably not aware of is the need for getting the right postage for the wedding invitations. Of course, you want the perfect stamps. But not all stamps are widely available at every post office, especially in large quantities. Save yourself scouting time by ordering them online at USPS.com. And be sure to weigh your invitation and all the additional paper products before you send them out so you can affix the right amount of postage. Ask your stationer about the need for additional postage for oddly shaped envelopes. 

Esther L. 

 

Positive Parenting 

Last month’s letter from the mother who was having difficulty with her teenage son (Positive Parenting column) was heart-breaking.  I have had my share of issues with teenagers (I raised seven). My advice to parents with teenagers is to let them know you appreciate them and that you are glad you are their parent.  A person sees themselves, first and foremost, through the eyes of their parents. When you look at them, your face should radiate pleasure and love, not anger and criticism. Light up when they come into a room. Don’t scowl at them. As King Solomon famously said, “As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another.” If your teenager is acting aggressively or disrespectfully, take note of your own mien and attitude when you speak to him or her. 

Robin N.

 

MDY Warriors 

Congrats to the players and coaches of the MDY Warriors on winning the 6th Grade Yeshiva League Title!  Although going undefeated is quite an outstanding feat – what was even more impressive was the team’s performance off the court. Their acts of sportsmanship and camaraderie is what makes them true champions.  

Irwin T. 

Mabrouk – July 2022

Births – Baby Girl 

Rabbi & Mrs. David Levy 

Ronnie & Esti Sitton 

Aaron & Joy Bivas 

Norman & Michelle Cohen 

 

Bar Mitzvahs 

David, son of Elliot and Danielle Brown

 

Engagements 

Joey Mosseri to Melanie Ades 

David Beida to Lillian Sasson 

Isaac Betesh to Jaime Balassiano 

Isaac Sasson to Madalyn Zalta 

Morris Gindi to Norma Shriqui 

Daniel Cohen to Dana Zalta 

Jack Pindek to Shira Tobaly 

Moses Betesh to Sophie Bailey 

 

Weddings 

Artie Schweky to Allegra Cojab 

Sammy Saka to Esther Greenstein 

Abraham Seruya to Rachel Mann

Fortifying a Community

We live in the era of the digital revolution.  

Life in the Digital Age is vastly different than it had ever been, and it affects so many people in almost every area of their lives. It has changed the way we do business, the way we communicate, and the way we interact. For some, it also affects the way they engage in leisure and recreation. In our own time, we have watched as technology advances so rapidly that we can barely keep up with it. 

Many people welcome these advances with unsuspecting open arms. Indeed, modern man is living with conveniences that past generations never could have imagined.  

Revolutionary Challenges, a Revolutionary Response 

However, this massive revolution comes with a host of new challenges. For the first time in history, every imaginable image, video, and recording is available at the click of a button. And it isn’t only sights and sounds that we are privy to. Every idea and value is being brought into one’s home and placed on his desktop – or even in his pocket – regardless of whether he agrees with them or even wishes to be exposed to them. Our children are being placed frighteningly close to whatever the world has to offer – and the world does not shy away from peddling its wares to anyone willing to watch and listen.  

We’ve all heard “horror stories” of marriages torn apart, children gone under, and adults who suddenly turned their backs on their entire lives because of the material they were exposed to on these devices. But technology awareness isn’t only about avoiding tragedies. It’s about living life on a higher plane, about understanding that when we set boundaries for ourselves, our lives are that much richer; that restrictions sometimes provide the most powerful kind of freedom.  

And then there are addiction concerns. Some are obvious, like gambling, which has become increasingly widespread thanks to the internet. But there are also less obvious technology-related addictions, such as social media addiction. (One indication of how far these lesser-acknowledged addictions have gone is the fact that some people are being made to contend with a challenge to their Shabbat observance – something that the Jewish world has for a long time viewed only in its rearview mirror.)  

Revolutionary times present unprecedented challenges. And those challenges call for a revolutionary response.  

A New Office on the Jersey Shore 

Enter the Technology Awareness Group, more commonly known as TAG. Ever since the standard-setting gathering of tens of thousands of Jews in Citi Field in 2012, much of the Torah world has come to view basic filtering as a must for every technological device in their possession. All across the globe, Jews visit TAG’s 56 locations to have their devices rendered fit for use before bringing them home.  

Until recently, the Jersey Shore Jewish community did not have a TAG office of their own. Those who wanted their devices filtered would have to bring them to Lakewood’s TAG headquarters in order to have it done. More significantly, the lack of a local TAG branch meant limited public awareness of the need to filter devices.  

All that changed last summer, when the Jersey Shore welcomed its very own TAG office at 211 Monmouth Road in West Long Branch. 

Things got underway with a soft opening on July 11, with the enthusiastic participation of many local community rabbis, including Rabbi Shmuel Choueka, Rabbi Reuven Semah, Rabbi Shaul Kassin, Rabbi Eli Mansour, Rabbi Bar-Hen, Rabbi Michael Semah, and Rabbi Leon Cohen. Also present to address those assembled was Harry Adjmi.  

Soon after that soft opening, the need for this new TAG office became apparent. Hundreds of devices have since been “tagged,” with many people taking measures to ensure that their entire households are properly protected.  

The presence of a local TAG office has benefitted the Jersey Shore community schools, as well. One faculty member at Bet Yaakov of Jersey Shore noted that it is only thanks to a local TAG office that they have been able to maintain a high standard of technology protection among their parent and student bodies. And Rabbi Shaul Kassin of Hillel Yeshivah remarked that proper controls are something that every parent should want to put in place to ensure their children’s proper growth and development. 

Personalized Safety Solutions 

To be sure, each individual needs a tailored solution, as the detriments of modern technology affect each person differently. Parents of young children worry that their children’s mental development is being hampered by hours of screen time (as has indeed been clinically proven). Parents of teens are concerned that their children’s ability to connect with others and forge meaningful relationships is being compromised by social media’s idea of human interaction (is a true friend someone who “likes” you on Facebook?).  

Meanwhile, many children express frustration at their inability to hold their parents’ attention for more than the few seconds’ respite between dings, pings, and updates. Moreover, many children themselves admit that they would benefit from more parental control over their technological use.  

At the same time, many people are not ready to do away entirely with technological connectivity. They feel they need it for business, shopping, long-distance connectivity, or for other reasons. But they know that it should be limited to some degree.  

For example, everyone agrees that entirely unfiltered internet is too great a danger to expose oneself to. In fact, no less an authority than Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, zt”l, ruled unequivocally – and repeatedly – that the usage of unfiltered internet is halachically forbidden. But after that, there are a lot of grey areas, and thus many decisions that each individual must make for himself and standards that one must set for his own family.  

TAG is here to help create solutions for each individual and every family.  

So, whether you want to protect yourself, your children, and your home from the dangers of digital technology lurking just beneath the surface, or you simply aspire to live on higher level, TAG Jersey Shore is ready and willing to create a solution just for you.  

 TAG Jersey Shore Contact Info 

Tel. (732) 538-7350 

Website: tagjerseyshore.com  

Address: 211 Monmouth Road 

West Long Branch, NJ 07764